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1
00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:02,561
You know who I am?
2
00:00:02,571 --> 00:00:05,435
Yeah, you know who I am.
3
00:00:05,445 --> 00:00:07,339
And I know who you are.
4
00:00:07,349 --> 00:00:10,144
And I know you've got that missing girl.
5
00:00:12,425 --> 00:00:13,718
Uhh!
6
00:00:13,728 --> 00:00:17,728
1661 Oakwood Drive.
7
00:00:18,539 --> 00:00:20,266
Montauk.
8
00:00:20,276 --> 00:00:23,170
You're going away for
a long time, dirt-face.
9
00:00:23,180 --> 00:00:24,574
We got you on murder.
10
00:00:24,584 --> 00:00:28,248
No. No, wait. I see... I see a girl.
11
00:00:28,258 --> 00:00:30,487
She's there willingly.
12
00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:34,497
It's some kind of weird sexual role-play.
13
00:00:35,272 --> 00:00:37,100
Damn it. That's not even a crime.
14
00:00:37,110 --> 00:00:40,105
- Why would he hide that?
- Wedding ring. He's married.
15
00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:42,276
Adultery. That's a class B miz.
16
00:00:42,286 --> 00:00:46,117
Hear that, slut-boy? You're
looking at 30 days hard time
17
00:00:46,127 --> 00:00:48,156
- in the clink.
- Or a small fine.
18
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:49,792
This is going to be one rap on the wrist
19
00:00:49,802 --> 00:00:52,664
this perv won't enjoy.
20
00:00:52,674 --> 00:00:54,401
Coming up next, the news.
21
00:00:54,411 --> 00:00:57,475
I miss Camomile.
22
00:00:57,485 --> 00:01:00,648
Maybe I should just call her, right?
23
00:01:00,658 --> 00:01:02,685
I'm just going to call her.
I'm just going to call her.
24
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:05,133
You know? I'll call her up.
25
00:01:11,079 --> 00:01:14,576
Shh.
26
00:01:14,586 --> 00:01:17,482
This is Camomile White. Leave a message.
27
00:01:17,492 --> 00:01:20,298
Hey, bitch. It...
28
00:01:23,638 --> 00:01:26,467
Uh, sorry. That was
my... that was my, uh...
29
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:30,108
my barber.. shop quartet friends.
30
00:01:30,118 --> 00:01:31,545
They were just leaving.
31
00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:35,820
Uh, anyway, it's me,
Kevin Pacalioglu again.
32
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:38,258
Uh, just calling to say, "what's up?"
33
00:01:38,268 --> 00:01:42,802
And check in on you and just,
uh, ask you the question,
34
00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,438
"whatever happened to us?"
35
00:01:44,448 --> 00:01:46,108
Just, you know, a simple question.
36
00:01:46,118 --> 00:01:48,847
The elephant in the room.
37
00:01:48,857 --> 00:01:50,617
Another cave-in during construction
38
00:01:50,627 --> 00:01:52,221
of the Second Avenue subway line
39
00:01:52,231 --> 00:01:53,790
has workers threatening to strike.
40
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,128
Other lines will be shut
down for precaution,
41
00:01:56,138 --> 00:01:59,402
so if you plan on traveling
today, be safe out there.
42
00:01:59,412 --> 00:02:03,412
And that is the reason I am not
allowed in Applebee's anymore.
43
00:02:04,187 --> 00:02:06,416
Any Applebee's. It's like a nationwide ban.
44
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:08,453
It's crazy.
45
00:02:08,463 --> 00:02:11,594
So, you know, if you ever
want to go out sometime,
46
00:02:11,604 --> 00:02:14,265
uh, give me a call. I'm around.
47
00:02:14,275 --> 00:02:16,704
It's been way too long. Uh...
48
00:02:16,714 --> 00:02:19,142
speaking of things that are way too long,
49
00:02:19,152 --> 00:02:20,813
this voice mail is one of them.
50
00:02:20,823 --> 00:02:23,117
Heh, heh. Fits into that category.
51
00:02:23,127 --> 00:02:24,620
But you know what they say.
52
00:02:24,630 --> 00:02:26,734
Long voice mail, uh...
53
00:02:33,615 --> 00:02:34,808
that was pretty good.
54
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,926
I'm going to call her again.
55
00:02:41,264 --> 00:02:42,457
Shh.
56
00:02:44,370 --> 00:02:46,508
Hey, bitch. I...
57
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:21,000
☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯
❃www.addic7ed.com❃
58
00:03:28,929 --> 00:03:30,788
Hey!
59
00:03:30,798 --> 00:03:32,692
Thanks for only being an hour late.
60
00:03:32,702 --> 00:03:36,334
Yeah, my pleasure, man. Can't
wait to start the ransacking.
61
00:03:36,344 --> 00:03:37,870
What the hell is that helmet?
62
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,375
It's my viking helmet, for the ransacking.
63
00:03:40,385 --> 00:03:43,248
- You know, for the pillaging.
- Man, for the last time,
64
00:03:43,258 --> 00:03:45,420
there's not gonna be no
ransacking or pillaging.
65
00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:47,991
I bought a house in
foreclosure for dirt cheap.
66
00:03:48,001 --> 00:03:50,295
We're gonna spruce it up,
put it back on the market
67
00:03:50,305 --> 00:03:51,799
for more than I bought it.
68
00:03:51,809 --> 00:03:54,605
Yeah, but I can still keep
all the goodies I ransacked?
69
00:03:54,615 --> 00:03:57,510
Hell, yeah, you can. Just
get rid of that helmet.
70
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,983
If anything, you're more of
a scavenger, not a viking.
71
00:03:59,993 --> 00:04:02,420
- Okay. I can work with that.
- You can work with that?
72
00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:04,392
But can you work with this?
73
00:04:04,402 --> 00:04:07,798
- Oh. Is that what I think it is?
- Yup. Pot chocolates.
74
00:04:07,808 --> 00:04:09,802
They make your day more fun, you know?
75
00:04:09,812 --> 00:04:12,441
I don't know, Roofie. You and I
don't do so well with edibles.
76
00:04:12,451 --> 00:04:14,513
You know what? They're not
supposed to be that strong.
77
00:04:14,523 --> 00:04:15,849
- No?
- Nah.
78
00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:18,354
- You know you like it.
- Just a couple squares.
79
00:04:18,364 --> 00:04:20,592
Now, this is the house.
80
00:04:20,602 --> 00:04:22,739
You own this?
81
00:04:25,879 --> 00:04:29,575
It's like Silence of The
Lambs up in this bitch.
82
00:04:29,585 --> 00:04:32,014
I don't know. I think this
bitch looks pretty sweet.
83
00:04:32,024 --> 00:04:34,252
Yeah, but we'll have to put
a lot of elbow grease in
84
00:04:34,262 --> 00:04:35,722
if we wanna sell it.
85
00:04:35,732 --> 00:04:37,659
Yeah, or we could find some
owners who are into it,
86
00:04:37,669 --> 00:04:40,765
- you know, as is.
- Oh, like a serial killer?
87
00:04:40,775 --> 00:04:42,936
Yeah, or, like, a wizard.
88
00:04:42,946 --> 00:04:46,378
Man, this don't look like none
of the pictures on the site
89
00:04:46,388 --> 00:04:48,449
that I bought it on. Well, I don't know.
90
00:04:48,459 --> 00:04:50,286
Wait a minute. You've never even been here?
91
00:04:50,296 --> 00:04:53,402
No. I bought in on a
site. Look, check it out.
92
00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:56,532
There's no signal.
93
00:04:56,542 --> 00:04:58,035
Must be a dead zone.
94
00:04:58,045 --> 00:05:01,508
I gotta say, Roofie, honestly, I'm, uh...
95
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:05,749
I'm seeing about zero potential
with this place altogether.
96
00:05:05,759 --> 00:05:08,423
What are you talking about,
man? Just use your imagination.
97
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,928
Once we clear all this
stuff out, it'll be nice.
98
00:05:10,938 --> 00:05:14,401
I'm not touching these dolls.
These are creeping me out.
99
00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:17,040
But this on the other hand. But this
looks like a pretty sweet little...
100
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:20,305
- it's a tempur-pedic.
- That is most definitely not a tempur-pedic.
101
00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:21,610
Yeah it is. I'm scavenging this.
102
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,915
This is what scavenging
is all about. Right here.
103
00:05:23,917 --> 00:05:25,420
We gotta start somewhere. Come on.
104
00:05:25,434 --> 00:05:27,863
- It's light for a tempur-pedic.
- It's heavy to me.
105
00:05:27,873 --> 00:05:30,067
- Oh, hey, Roofie.
- Huh?
106
00:05:30,077 --> 00:05:31,871
Remember those dolls we were talking about,
107
00:05:31,881 --> 00:05:33,440
- like, two seconds ago?
- Yeah.
108
00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:35,511
Yeah, now there's, like, an identical set
109
00:05:35,521 --> 00:05:37,984
lined up out here in the hall.
110
00:05:37,994 --> 00:05:40,055
Aah! What?
111
00:05:40,065 --> 00:05:41,690
Aah!
112
00:05:43,003 --> 00:05:45,631
Okay. What is this?
113
00:05:55,462 --> 00:05:58,090
- Mine won't open!
- I know. Me, neither.
114
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,597
Man, I can't believe I
bought a haunted house.
115
00:06:00,607 --> 00:06:03,101
That's why it was so cheap.
116
00:06:03,111 --> 00:06:05,138
You know what? I must be tripping.
117
00:06:05,148 --> 00:06:07,911
Maybe that's it. Maybe we're
still high from the chocolates.
118
00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:10,016
- You think so?
- No. I was just saying that
119
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:11,987
to make you feel better. This
place is definitely haunted.
120
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,789
Oh, God. Come on, man. Look, look, look.
121
00:06:13,799 --> 00:06:15,560
You're a medium. Use your medium skills.
122
00:06:15,570 --> 00:06:17,999
Do something. Talk to the
ghost. Find out what it wants.
123
00:06:18,009 --> 00:06:20,471
I don't know, Roofie. Even if I find him,
124
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,443
there's no guarantee he's gonna
talk. Even if I do get him to talk,
125
00:06:23,453 --> 00:06:25,514
there's no guarantee that I'm gonna listen.
126
00:06:25,524 --> 00:06:29,757
What? Could you please just
talk to the ghost, okay?
127
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:32,462
What do you want, my soul or my money?
128
00:06:32,472 --> 00:06:35,568
Stop, stop, stop. Calm down. Stop it.
129
00:06:35,578 --> 00:06:37,104
Listen. Stop, stop. It's okay.
130
00:06:37,114 --> 00:06:39,142
I'll do it. What are you gonna do?
131
00:06:39,152 --> 00:06:40,846
We split up. Scooby Doo style.
132
00:06:40,856 --> 00:06:42,582
I'm gonna find another way out of here.
133
00:06:42,592 --> 00:06:44,653
- Okay. Good plan.
- They're not taking me alive.
134
00:06:55,486 --> 00:06:57,589
Hello, ghost?
135
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,024
Okay.
136
00:07:03,034 --> 00:07:04,627
Way to go, house.
137
00:07:04,637 --> 00:07:07,065
You have successfully
freaked out my friend.
138
00:07:07,075 --> 00:07:09,871
Really, really, really amazing. Great job.
139
00:07:09,881 --> 00:07:13,212
Can't freak me out, though.
No. I'm a professional.
140
00:07:13,222 --> 00:07:14,849
I'm a professional at this.
141
00:07:14,859 --> 00:07:16,986
Wanna come out and have a
little one-on-one chat with me?
142
00:07:16,996 --> 00:07:19,859
That'd be easy, huh?
143
00:07:19,869 --> 00:07:23,869
But no, no. You wanna resort to
these ice cream parlor tricks.
144
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,506
Look at this. Oldest one in the book.
145
00:07:26,516 --> 00:07:28,943
Shutters on the windows are
locked. Come on, piece of cake.
146
00:07:28,953 --> 00:07:30,580
Piece of cake.
147
00:07:30,590 --> 00:07:34,523
Unh. That is really hooked
on there tight, huh?
148
00:07:47,192 --> 00:07:49,453
Piece of cake!
149
00:07:49,463 --> 00:07:51,891
Unh! Oh! Oh!
150
00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:55,901
Oh. Oh, my God. Did that
actually just happen?
151
00:07:56,711 --> 00:07:59,640
Oh, God. I think my ass is broken.
152
00:07:59,650 --> 00:08:01,945
Oh, it was worth it.
153
00:08:01,955 --> 00:08:03,983
It feels good to laugh. I needed that.
154
00:08:03,993 --> 00:08:06,755
- This floor is hard as a rock.
- Yeah, no kidding.
155
00:08:06,765 --> 00:08:09,093
My stupid wife, Julep,
didn't want carpeting.
156
00:08:09,103 --> 00:08:10,930
"Hardwood is classier."
157
00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:13,769
Ohh. Was it too much to ask for a rug?
158
00:08:13,779 --> 00:08:15,807
That's what I said. I keep telling her.
159
00:08:15,817 --> 00:08:18,613
If we're gonna work on the
house, it's gotta be practical.
160
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,584
Not this froufrou design crap.
161
00:08:21,594 --> 00:08:23,488
Uhh!
162
00:08:23,498 --> 00:08:26,930
Yeah. There is a lot of
froufrou around here.
163
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,668
I'm definitely gonna talk to
Roofie about that rug thing,
164
00:08:29,678 --> 00:08:32,173
because you could break your
neck on a floor like this.
165
00:08:32,183 --> 00:08:34,812
You know, I actually did
break my neck on this floor.
166
00:08:34,822 --> 00:08:36,081
Seriously?
167
00:08:36,091 --> 00:08:37,752
I had this huge fight with my wife.
168
00:08:37,762 --> 00:08:40,223
I got so upset, I slipped,
I fell down the stairs.
169
00:08:41,636 --> 00:08:43,964
Ooh. Oh, both ways.
170
00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:46,102
I didn't even get to finish the fight.
171
00:08:46,112 --> 00:08:50,311
Oh, that is classic unfinished
business you got there.
172
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:53,885
Ohh. What was the fight
about? Anything juicy?
173
00:08:53,895 --> 00:08:56,591
Honestly? What color to paint the kitchen.
174
00:08:56,601 --> 00:08:58,996
Say, what if I were to
help you win that fight
175
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,767
by painting the kitchen
whatever color you wanted?
176
00:09:01,777 --> 00:09:03,738
- Far out.
- It is far out.
177
00:09:03,748 --> 00:09:06,144
All right.
178
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:08,115
No. No, you...
179
00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:10,028
I don't really get it, either.
180
00:09:14,838 --> 00:09:16,666
- Oh!
- Oh, geez!
181
00:09:16,676 --> 00:09:19,237
- What are you doing?
- Yo, I couldn't find a way out.
182
00:09:19,247 --> 00:09:21,008
But I found a screwdriver.
183
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,613
Maybe I can, like, get the
door unhinged. What about you?
184
00:09:23,623 --> 00:09:24,849
Well, speaking of unhinged,
185
00:09:24,859 --> 00:09:27,121
I met the ghost. His name is Jack.
186
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:30,159
He wants me to paint his
kitchen this color of cream.
187
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,230
That sounds nice. Is he reasonable?
188
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,670
No, if I'm being totally honest.
He's a bit of a loose canyon.
189
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,743
You mean, cannon. Like Nick, right?
190
00:09:38,753 --> 00:09:40,781
No. Like the grand.
191
00:09:40,791 --> 00:09:42,651
Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
192
00:09:42,661 --> 00:09:45,924
Loose canyon. Any moment the
rocks could just give way...
193
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:47,127
- rocks?
- Like a Cannon.
194
00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:48,831
Just, look, forget the cannon.
195
00:09:48,841 --> 00:09:50,300
You work on the kitchen,
196
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:52,204
I'll go figure out how to
get this door unhinged.
197
00:09:52,214 --> 00:09:55,020
Deal. Excuse me.
198
00:10:15,229 --> 00:10:16,988
If you're gonna paint
the kitchen any color,
199
00:10:16,998 --> 00:10:18,326
it should be fuschia.
200
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:21,766
Fuschia? Oh, you're the wife. Julep.
201
00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:23,135
You're the one who got Jack so upset
202
00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:24,938
he fell down the stairs, right?
203
00:10:24,948 --> 00:10:27,911
Is that what Jack told you?
He fell down because of me?
204
00:10:27,921 --> 00:10:29,716
Did he mention he only fell down the stairs
205
00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:31,352
after he stabbed me in the chest 47 times?
206
00:10:31,362 --> 00:10:34,726
What? No. He most certainly
did not mention that.
207
00:10:34,736 --> 00:10:39,035
Also, 47 times? That seems
really, like, unnecessary.
208
00:10:39,045 --> 00:10:40,771
The first few didn't take.
209
00:10:40,781 --> 00:10:43,677
Well, Julep, if I may be so bold,
210
00:10:43,687 --> 00:10:45,747
you don't look a stab wound over 20.
211
00:10:45,757 --> 00:10:48,229
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
212
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,972
Wanna sniff?
213
00:10:59,787 --> 00:11:01,179
What are you doing?
214
00:11:01,189 --> 00:11:03,685
I'm, uh, painting the kitchen fuschia.
215
00:11:03,695 --> 00:11:05,454
But that's Julep's choice.
216
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:07,158
Yeah, well, I met her, okay?
217
00:11:07,168 --> 00:11:08,828
And she told me
218
00:11:08,838 --> 00:11:11,334
that you, like, stabbed
her in the chest 47 times.
219
00:11:11,344 --> 00:11:13,071
Is that what she told you? I stabbed her?
220
00:11:13,081 --> 00:11:14,840
- She did.
- Did she mention
221
00:11:14,850 --> 00:11:17,112
that I only stabbed her
after she tried to poison me?
222
00:11:17,122 --> 00:11:18,815
- No. What?
- Yup.
223
00:11:18,825 --> 00:11:20,920
The kitchen paint dispute
had reached a climax.
224
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,157
She was so desperate to get rid of me
225
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:25,263
that she poisoned my afterwork seltzer.
226
00:11:25,273 --> 00:11:28,201
My God. How did you know
that it was poisoned?
227
00:11:28,211 --> 00:11:30,406
It's just a feeling I
had, I mean, in my gut.
228
00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:32,410
Also, the seltzer was pretty brown.
229
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:35,784
Okay, I got it. So you
snapped, you felt betrayed,
230
00:11:35,794 --> 00:11:38,857
you grabbed a knife and... a screwdriver.
231
00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:40,293
I was just trying to open a paint can.
232
00:11:40,303 --> 00:11:43,033
Wow, you guys are a couple of whack jobs.
233
00:11:43,043 --> 00:11:45,270
Okay, I'm gonna go and
paint that kitchen fuschia.
234
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,741
- No way.
- Yes. Let me do it. It's temporary,
235
00:11:47,751 --> 00:11:49,845
so your wife will be happy
and move into her light. Okay?
236
00:11:49,855 --> 00:11:52,118
Then I'll go back and
paint it cream for you.
237
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,191
Then you'll be happy. Then I can
get out of this godforsaken house,
238
00:11:55,201 --> 00:11:57,061
paint the town red with
Roofie, call it a night.
239
00:11:57,071 --> 00:11:58,497
- It's a win, win, win.
- What?
240
00:11:58,507 --> 00:12:00,335
- What?
- You've woken the beast.
241
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:01,914
Uh-oh.
242
00:12:03,417 --> 00:12:06,880
- You were gonna lie to me?
- No, I...
243
00:12:06,890 --> 00:12:10,287
Yeah. Yes. Okay, I was
being shifty. I'm sorry.
244
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,392
But, lady, you kind of forgot to mention
245
00:12:12,402 --> 00:12:14,196
that you were gonna poison your husband.
246
00:12:14,206 --> 00:12:17,035
If he had just painted the
kitchen fuschia like I asked,
247
00:12:17,045 --> 00:12:19,974
- none of this would've happened.
- Stop it with the fuschia.
248
00:12:19,984 --> 00:12:21,443
What are we, a band of circus performers?
249
00:12:21,453 --> 00:12:24,317
Oh, and beige is a much
more refined choice.
250
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,087
It was not beige. Cream.
251
00:12:26,097 --> 00:12:27,923
What's the difference between the two?
252
00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:29,927
No difference. That's the
point. It's just cream.
253
00:12:29,937 --> 00:12:31,531
It doesn't need a fancy name.
254
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,770
There is nothing remarkable about cream.
255
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:37,477
It is the color of your mother's kitchen.
256
00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:39,147
My mother's kitchen?
257
00:12:39,157 --> 00:12:41,084
Your mother's looks like
a goddamned gypsy cart.
258
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,793
Whoa. Okay, guys, hey, I'm
just gonna say from experience,
259
00:12:44,803 --> 00:12:47,030
let's leave the moms and the
gypsies out of this, okay?
260
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,101
Let me tell you something
about fuschia, okay, Jack?
261
00:12:49,111 --> 00:12:53,342
Fuschia is spontaneous.
It's sexy. It's free.
262
00:12:53,352 --> 00:12:56,216
Fuschia is fine the first time you see it.
263
00:12:56,226 --> 00:12:58,220
But not when you come home,
and you have to have it
264
00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:01,827
assault your senses every day for 30 years!
265
00:13:01,837 --> 00:13:04,199
Unlike cream, who sits in the
corner at the cocktail party
266
00:13:04,209 --> 00:13:06,504
and makes no attempt at
conversation with anybody.
267
00:13:06,514 --> 00:13:08,441
Cream, you don't have to
explain to your friends.
268
00:13:08,451 --> 00:13:10,512
It's warm, it's safe. I like cream!
269
00:13:10,522 --> 00:13:13,183
Okay, let me make a little
suggestion, if I may.
270
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,555
Robin's egg blue. Super hip right now.
271
00:13:15,565 --> 00:13:17,358
Shut up!
272
00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:23,280
Oh, my God. I just finished
my last seven years.
273
00:13:30,562 --> 00:13:33,892
Okay, well, I am glad you two calmed down
274
00:13:33,902 --> 00:13:36,965
because you were breaking a lot
of stuff I was gonna scavenge.
275
00:13:36,975 --> 00:13:39,069
- What?
- So let's start. Ahem.
276
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:42,610
I have a hunch that you guys
are having a problem moving on,
277
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,981
because we need to fix this marriage,
278
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,487
so why don't we try a
little role playing. Okay?
279
00:13:47,497 --> 00:13:48,890
I will be playing, obviously,
280
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,426
the role of the marriage counselor.
281
00:13:50,436 --> 00:13:52,932
You two can play whatever
parts you want, you know?
282
00:13:52,942 --> 00:13:54,601
Pilot, veterinarian, lady plumber.
283
00:13:54,611 --> 00:13:57,408
Why don't we just play husband and wife?
284
00:13:57,418 --> 00:14:00,214
Oh, my God, that's a good
idea. Yes. Thank you for that.
285
00:14:00,224 --> 00:14:02,251
Actually, that would help
me a lot with my thing.
286
00:14:02,261 --> 00:14:04,398
You know, being a marriage counselor.
287
00:14:10,143 --> 00:14:12,037
Hello, ghost?
288
00:14:12,047 --> 00:14:14,576
I'm trying real hard not
to be the scared black guy
289
00:14:14,586 --> 00:14:18,284
in a haunted house. Okay?
290
00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:43,268
Okay. You two were obviously
very much in love at one point.
291
00:14:43,278 --> 00:14:46,073
- Let's start there.
- It was a long time ago.
292
00:14:46,083 --> 00:14:49,414
It was easier to be in love
back then. It was the '50s.
293
00:14:49,424 --> 00:14:51,284
- The McCarthy years.
- Yeah.
294
00:14:51,294 --> 00:14:55,025
Something obviously kept you
guys together. What was that?
295
00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:58,199
The only thing that kept us
together, honestly, was Brianne.
296
00:14:58,209 --> 00:14:59,668
- Who?
- Our daughter.
297
00:15:05,590 --> 00:15:08,429
Rose petals?
298
00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:18,507
Oh, yeah, right, your daughter.
299
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:20,144
I did see the little girl's room before.
300
00:15:20,154 --> 00:15:21,948
You know, with all the dolls.
301
00:15:21,958 --> 00:15:25,020
She was no little girl.
She was 30 years old.
302
00:15:25,030 --> 00:15:26,523
30?
303
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,293
She's (Bleep) 30?
304
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:32,469
- She was a little eccentric.
- She was a weirdo.
305
00:15:32,479 --> 00:15:34,540
30 years old, didn't have a boyfriend.
306
00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:36,577
Spent all day inside,
playing with her dolls.
307
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,281
She was shy.
308
00:15:38,291 --> 00:15:40,620
You never gave her a
chance to express herself.
309
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:05,102
Can I just ask you something?
What do you mean, she was shy?
310
00:16:05,112 --> 00:16:06,438
- My wife killed her.
- What?
311
00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:07,774
Oh, that is not fair.
312
00:16:07,784 --> 00:16:09,611
She came home the night of the incident.
313
00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:11,716
She saw us dead, she called the cops...
314
00:16:11,726 --> 00:16:14,655
she tried to call the cops,
she could barely speak,
315
00:16:14,665 --> 00:16:17,361
she grabbed the first drink
she could find, the seltzer.
316
00:16:17,371 --> 00:16:20,032
- The one she...?
- With the poison in it?
317
00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:22,405
From when Julep tried to poison me earlier.
318
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:26,246
Oh, yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, got it. Okay. Good.
319
00:16:26,256 --> 00:16:27,682
No, that's a really effed-up story.
320
00:16:27,692 --> 00:16:30,187
She's gotta be pretty pissed with you guys.
321
00:16:32,269 --> 00:16:35,799
- What was that?
- Sounded like a man orgasming.
322
00:16:35,809 --> 00:16:37,469
Or it could be somebody dying.
323
00:16:37,479 --> 00:16:40,708
Roofie! Hey!
324
00:16:45,596 --> 00:16:48,692
Roofie! Hey! Roofie!
325
00:16:48,702 --> 00:16:52,702
What the hell is going on, man?
I got this, like, ghost blowjob
326
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:57,043
or handjob or energy job. I
don't know what's going on.
327
00:16:57,053 --> 00:16:58,713
It just got kind of weird.
328
00:16:58,723 --> 00:17:01,151
You're being held hostage
by a creepy ghost chick.
329
00:17:01,161 --> 00:17:04,491
What? Is she hot?
330
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,428
Yeah.
331
00:17:06,438 --> 00:17:09,601
- Brianne, put that down.
- Right now, young lady.
332
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,204
No, it's fine. He's my boyfriend.
333
00:17:11,214 --> 00:17:13,309
I just need to kill him
so he can, you know,
334
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:14,578
see me and then we can be together.
335
00:17:14,588 --> 00:17:16,649
No, don't kill him.
336
00:17:16,659 --> 00:17:18,252
- What?
- He's not your boyfriend.
337
00:17:18,262 --> 00:17:20,290
You just met him.
338
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,361
You think once he sees me,
he won't be interested?
339
00:17:22,371 --> 00:17:25,334
- What? No.
- You can't jump into something serious
340
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:27,070
with someone you barely know.
341
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,843
But I do know him. We were intimate.
342
00:17:29,853 --> 00:17:32,347
I'm just gonna jump in here
for a quick second and say that
343
00:17:32,357 --> 00:17:34,587
the rate I quoted you earlier
was for couples' counseling.
344
00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:36,758
This is technically family counseling now.
345
00:17:36,768 --> 00:17:38,561
So it's gonna... Brianne, listen.
346
00:17:38,571 --> 00:17:40,097
You don't wanna tie yourself down
347
00:17:40,107 --> 00:17:42,135
to the first guy you fall for.
348
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,507
You'll regret it your entire afterlife.
349
00:17:44,517 --> 00:17:47,146
Your mother's right. Thirty years from now,
350
00:17:47,156 --> 00:17:50,318
you'll be trapped in a loveless marriage.
351
00:17:50,328 --> 00:17:52,289
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?
352
00:17:52,299 --> 00:17:55,296
Because from my point of view,
it's just a bunch of silence,
353
00:17:55,306 --> 00:17:57,434
and I got this screwdriver pointing at me.
354
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:00,138
What's going on is, a few minutes ago
355
00:18:00,148 --> 00:18:02,176
I was making real
progress with this couple,
356
00:18:02,186 --> 00:18:03,579
and now they're talking about
357
00:18:03,589 --> 00:18:05,751
being trapped in a loveless marriage.
358
00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:09,525
- What happened?
- Just tell them to get a divorce.
359
00:18:09,535 --> 00:18:11,596
- That's not an option.
- What would people say?
360
00:18:11,606 --> 00:18:13,532
They're concerned about
the social concussions
361
00:18:13,542 --> 00:18:14,836
of getting a divorce.
362
00:18:14,846 --> 00:18:16,907
I guess it wasn't as common back then.
363
00:18:16,917 --> 00:18:20,917
Tell them now it's less common
for people not to get a divorce.
364
00:18:21,592 --> 00:18:23,385
- Really?
- What?
365
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:27,695
- Jack, I think I want a divorce.
- You do?
366
00:18:27,705 --> 00:18:30,134
I'm sorry. When we first met,
367
00:18:30,144 --> 00:18:31,703
you had just come back from the war
368
00:18:31,713 --> 00:18:34,408
and I looked at you as
this adventurous hero.
369
00:18:34,418 --> 00:18:37,783
You were the first woman I'd
seen in, like, three years.
370
00:18:37,793 --> 00:18:39,663
I guess it wasn't enough, was it?
371
00:18:41,299 --> 00:18:43,293
I'm sorry I tried to poison you.
372
00:18:43,303 --> 00:18:45,765
I'm sorry I stabbed you in
the chest a couple of times.
373
00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:47,235
Forty-seven times.
374
00:18:47,245 --> 00:18:48,782
- Forty-seven?
- Yeah.
375
00:18:51,587 --> 00:18:53,658
No hard feelings?
376
00:19:02,777 --> 00:19:05,306
- I can't believe it.
- Oh, no, no, don't worry.
377
00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:07,477
I think it all goes to the same place.
378
00:19:07,487 --> 00:19:09,882
I mean, they didn't even say goodbye to me.
379
00:19:09,892 --> 00:19:11,953
- Oh.
- It makes sense.
380
00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:14,859
I'm 30, living at home, single.
381
00:19:14,869 --> 00:19:17,932
Again, maybe that was a
little weird back in the '80s,
382
00:19:17,942 --> 00:19:20,503
but nowadays that's pretty standard.
383
00:19:20,513 --> 00:19:21,840
Really?
384
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,854
Yeah. Plus, you got this really cool...
385
00:19:25,223 --> 00:19:26,525
doll collection that you keep.
386
00:19:28,364 --> 00:19:30,902
And, uh, look at you. You're a catch.
387
00:19:42,257 --> 00:19:44,886
Okay. They're gone. So...
388
00:19:44,896 --> 00:19:46,823
you okay?
389
00:19:46,833 --> 00:19:50,231
I don't know, man. I feel kind of violated.
390
00:19:50,241 --> 00:19:52,402
But, like, in a good way.
391
00:19:52,412 --> 00:19:54,306
Oh, yeah? What did it feel like?
392
00:19:54,316 --> 00:19:57,780
It was like having sex with a
jacuzzi jet with no jacuzzi.
393
00:19:57,790 --> 00:19:59,025
Nice.
394
00:20:07,743 --> 00:20:09,570
Man. So happy to be out
of the haunted house.
395
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:10,940
That place sucked.
396
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,711
Too bad you didn't get
to scavenge anything.
397
00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:14,781
I wouldn't say I didn't get anything.
398
00:20:14,791 --> 00:20:16,488
I got this awesome viking helmet.
399
00:20:16,498 --> 00:20:19,024
- You came here with that.
- I did?
400
00:20:19,034 --> 00:20:20,826
What about you? You get anything?
401
00:20:20,836 --> 00:20:22,461
Nah, man, you know what? I'm done.
402
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,429
This place got bad vibes. I'm out.
403
00:20:24,439 --> 00:20:26,898
Yeah? You got smart. Let's
get something to eat.
404
00:20:26,908 --> 00:20:28,367
All right.
405
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:30,335
I'm gonna eat, like, 17 burritos.
406
00:20:36,451 --> 00:20:46,450
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