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1
00:00:06,765 --> 00:00:09,724
On today's show, a man
who had a penis transplant
2
00:00:09,725 --> 00:00:12,122
finally meets the family
of his deceased donor.
3
00:00:12,147 --> 00:00:14,644
What he doesn't know...
4
00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:16,704
they want the penis back.
5
00:00:16,705 --> 00:00:19,634
That's so ridiculous!
6
00:00:19,635 --> 00:00:21,764
I never would've gone
on national television
7
00:00:21,765 --> 00:00:23,694
after my penis transplant.
8
00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:24,714
What?
9
00:00:24,715 --> 00:00:26,654
Oh, dude, we got a job.
10
00:00:26,655 --> 00:00:28,291
- Grab your jacket. Let's go.
- Yeah, look, dude,
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00:00:28,292 --> 00:00:30,381
we just worked yesterday.
I mean, come on,
12
00:00:30,383 --> 00:00:32,402
let's set a couple guidelines
here, okay, Roomie?
13
00:00:32,403 --> 00:00:34,139
I'm not really a "get up early",
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00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,985
wash my whole body, and go
to work two days in a row"
15
00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:38,083
type of guy, just generally speaking.
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00:00:38,108 --> 00:00:41,118
Pac, we do this job,
we get a thousand clams.
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00:00:41,119 --> 00:00:42,208
I don't know, dude.
That seems like
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00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,118
way too many clams for just two guys.
19
00:00:45,315 --> 00:00:46,364
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
20
00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:48,277
I mean, that's a thousand clams.
21
00:00:48,302 --> 00:00:49,764
I guess we could freeze half of them
22
00:00:49,765 --> 00:00:51,764
and then slowly work our way
through the first 500.
23
00:00:51,765 --> 00:00:54,664
No, Pac, the job pays
a thousand dollars.
24
00:00:54,665 --> 00:00:56,654
Oh, fuck me, okay!
25
00:00:56,655 --> 00:00:57,754
Why didn't you say so?
26
00:00:57,755 --> 00:00:59,774
What do you say, celebratory bong hits?
27
00:00:59,775 --> 00:01:01,824
No, dude.
We just got a job.
28
00:01:01,825 --> 00:01:04,535
Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry.
29
00:01:04,536 --> 00:01:06,445
It's unprofessional.
30
00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:09,456
- We're smoking blunts.
- Hey-o!
31
00:01:09,457 --> 00:01:11,516
Let me see that thing.
Do you have one for you?
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- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Ooh.
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- But it sounds good.
- Reverb, brother.
35
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- Hi.
- You must be the ghost guys.
36
00:01:56,437 --> 00:01:58,486
We are indeed.
Although I don't see ghosts.
37
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He does. But we're partners.
38
00:01:59,617 --> 00:02:01,536
Yeah. I mean, we're not,
like, life partners.
39
00:02:01,537 --> 00:02:03,516
We're business partners.
But I guess we would like
40
00:02:03,517 --> 00:02:05,466
the business to last a lifetime.
41
00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:06,586
- But, no, we're not lovers.
- Yeah, but we have, like,
42
00:02:06,587 --> 00:02:08,486
no problem changing
in front of each other
43
00:02:08,487 --> 00:02:09,566
- and stuff like that.
- I don't love it, but...
44
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:10,636
Thrilling story. Listen,
45
00:02:10,637 --> 00:02:12,476
I'm getting married here in a week
46
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and every time I try to rehearse,
47
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my father-in-law gets injured
48
00:02:15,587 --> 00:02:17,566
and it's really taking
the attention away from me.
49
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,546
Clearly, something doesn't want me
50
00:02:19,547 --> 00:02:20,656
to walk down this aisle.
51
00:02:20,657 --> 00:02:22,516
- Yeah.
- So maybe it's best
52
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,536
- I just sit this one out.
- Come on, Gus.
53
00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:27,676
You know I need a father figure
to walk me down the aisle.
54
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,606
See, my real dad's an astronaut
55
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and he's been busy on this
super important space mission
56
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- since before I was born.
- Whoa. Oh, holy shit.
57
00:02:35,617 --> 00:02:37,867
I... you know, I never
met my dad either.
58
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In fact, I was born in an orphanage.
59
00:02:39,457 --> 00:02:40,576
I mean, I wasn't born
in an orphanage...
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00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,486
I'm sorry. It just... it seems like
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00:02:42,487 --> 00:02:43,606
you're winding up to tell
a very lengthy story
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and I really don't have time for that.
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00:02:45,437 --> 00:02:46,556
Right, yeah, of course.
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00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,496
Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind,
65
00:02:48,497 --> 00:02:50,486
would you take a couple
steps down the aisle
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00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:52,506
so I can get a better sense
of what's going on in here?
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00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:53,606
I'd rather not.
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00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,456
I'd really rather you did.
69
00:02:55,457 --> 00:02:56,937
Come on, Gus. This is important.
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00:02:56,962 --> 00:02:59,076
We're getting married in one week.
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Just walk down the aisle.
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00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,556
Okay.
73
00:03:05,557 --> 00:03:07,506
- Not so bad.
- No, no, keep going.
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Get into the aisle.
75
00:03:09,487 --> 00:03:11,536
Oh!
76
00:03:11,537 --> 00:03:13,446
I told you!
77
00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:14,646
We should, um...
78
00:03:14,647 --> 00:03:16,486
We should really go check on him.
79
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:18,456
- Sure.
- Fix this.
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00:03:18,457 --> 00:03:19,566
Yes, as you wish, ma'am.
81
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,586
This is wrong.
82
00:03:21,587 --> 00:03:23,546
This is all wrong.
83
00:03:23,547 --> 00:03:25,506
- God.
- Hi there!
84
00:03:25,507 --> 00:03:27,426
- Oh, is it the ghost?
- Yeah.
85
00:03:27,427 --> 00:03:29,127
Fucking Jesus Christ!
86
00:03:29,159 --> 00:03:30,506
It's the ghost of Jesus?
87
00:03:30,507 --> 00:03:31,875
Oh, I have so many questions.
88
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,435
Ask him what kind of wood I should use
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00:03:33,437 --> 00:03:34,586
when I'm building my end table.
90
00:03:34,587 --> 00:03:36,476
No, it's not the ghost
of Jesus Christ, man.
91
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,436
It's a... it's a lady ghost.
92
00:03:38,437 --> 00:03:39,606
Really? Describe her.
93
00:03:39,607 --> 00:03:41,606
Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh...
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00:03:41,607 --> 00:03:44,426
uh,
95
00:03:44,427 --> 00:03:45,536
well-built.
96
00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:47,456
Muscular? That's hot.
97
00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:48,566
- Yeah, muscular.
- All right, listen.
98
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,466
I'm kind of in a time crunch here,
99
00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:52,486
- so if we could just...
- Get right to it.
100
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:54,476
The thing is, I know I
don't look old-fashioned,
101
00:03:54,477 --> 00:03:56,516
but I am, and I really
need Jane's father
102
00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:58,616
- to walk her down the aisle.
- Isn't Jane's father
103
00:03:58,617 --> 00:04:01,345
- in outer space?
- What? No!
104
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:02,606
She just told me he was.
105
00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:04,163
Jane's father is not in space.
106
00:04:04,188 --> 00:04:05,486
That is something I made up
107
00:04:05,487 --> 00:04:06,616
to tell a two-year-old.
108
00:04:06,617 --> 00:04:10,028
See, the thing is, I was
a porn actress, okay?
109
00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:12,426
- Yeah.
- Cindy Squirter.
110
00:04:12,427 --> 00:04:13,446
- No?
- No.
111
00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:15,566
- No?
- Cindy Squirter?
112
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,606
Her dad was one of my costars
113
00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:20,436
and I was gonna come clean
to her about it at some point,
114
00:04:20,437 --> 00:04:21,596
but I died when she was so young.
115
00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:23,486
Pac, what's happening?
Tell me what's going on.
116
00:04:23,487 --> 00:04:24,536
Okay, she was a porn star.
117
00:04:24,537 --> 00:04:25,905
- Actress.
- Muscle porn?
118
00:04:25,930 --> 00:04:26,626
- Yo, that's my jam!
- I know.
119
00:04:26,627 --> 00:04:27,850
- Okay,
- Hook me up!
120
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,264
This might be kind of
easier than we think.
121
00:04:29,289 --> 00:04:30,830
You just tell us the
name of that costar,
122
00:04:30,831 --> 00:04:32,871
we go round him up
and bring him to the wedding.
123
00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:33,840
- Piece of cake.
- I don't know
124
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,812
who Jane's father is.
That's the problem.
125
00:04:35,837 --> 00:04:37,351
I made a lot of movies
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around the time that
Jane was conceived.
127
00:04:40,178 --> 00:04:42,129
All I know is it was October 1991
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00:04:42,161 --> 00:04:43,270
and the only person
with the information
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00:04:43,271 --> 00:04:45,140
of who I was in the movies with
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00:04:45,141 --> 00:04:47,095
was my agent, Saul.
131
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,240
Your agent Saul.
132
00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:50,160
Okay, good. That's where
we'll start, then.
133
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,851
- Come on, let's go.
- So, does she have, like,
134
00:04:53,852 --> 00:04:54,971
a Sylvester Stallone kind of body?
135
00:04:54,972 --> 00:04:56,011
Yeah. "First Blood."
136
00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:00,011
- Guys, come in. Sit down.
- Thank you.
137
00:05:00,012 --> 00:05:01,656
Thank you. Don't mind if we do.
138
00:05:01,657 --> 00:05:03,626
Okay, before we get
started, you gotta sign
139
00:05:03,628 --> 00:05:05,557
one of these release forms.
140
00:05:05,558 --> 00:05:06,677
- Here.
- Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
141
00:05:06,678 --> 00:05:09,587
Sorry, the pen's a
little chewed up, but...
142
00:05:09,588 --> 00:05:12,507
Sorry, what are these
release forms for?
143
00:05:12,508 --> 00:05:13,657
Big, fat, gay bear movie.
144
00:05:13,658 --> 00:05:16,527
- No...
- You two, you're perfect.
145
00:05:16,528 --> 00:05:18,587
No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.
146
00:05:18,588 --> 00:05:21,647
No, no, no, we're not here for
any big, fat, gay bear porn.
147
00:05:21,648 --> 00:05:23,637
You can't quite pull off twink anymore.
148
00:05:23,638 --> 00:05:26,647
No, no, no. We're not here
for any kind of gay porn.
149
00:05:26,648 --> 00:05:28,647
You don't have to be gay
to suck dick in a film.
150
00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:29,648
- Well...
- Some of
151
00:05:29,649 --> 00:05:30,697
the straightest guys I know,
152
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,617
they exclusively have sex with men.
153
00:05:32,618 --> 00:05:35,201
- No. Saul...
- How much do these guys make?
154
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,759
- No, Clyde!
- What if we just
155
00:05:36,784 --> 00:05:38,200
- jerk off with... all right.
- Yeah, we're not.
156
00:05:38,201 --> 00:05:39,380
We're not going down that path. Saul,
157
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,320
we're here because of
a former client of yours,
158
00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:43,360
- Cindy Squirter.
- God.
159
00:05:43,694 --> 00:05:45,643
- Sweet girl.
- Yeah.
160
00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:47,659
Can I have one of these dick candies?
161
00:05:47,684 --> 00:05:48,724
Yeah, help yourself.
162
00:05:50,854 --> 00:05:53,643
She has a kid who's all grown up now
163
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,683
and we're trying to find its father.
164
00:05:54,684 --> 00:05:55,469
Do you have any recollection
165
00:05:55,470 --> 00:05:56,880
of what Cindy's schedule
would've looked like
166
00:05:56,905 --> 00:05:58,348
in October of '91?
167
00:05:58,349 --> 00:05:59,428
You know, around that time,
168
00:05:59,429 --> 00:06:02,278
Cindy, she worked almost exclusively
169
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,338
with an actor named Diego.
170
00:06:04,339 --> 00:06:06,288
- Diego.
- Decent guy.
171
00:06:06,289 --> 00:06:08,338
- Great penis.
- Okay, well, excellent.
172
00:06:08,339 --> 00:06:09,448
So, then Diego must be her father.
173
00:06:09,449 --> 00:06:11,378
- I think so.
- The only trouble is
174
00:06:11,379 --> 00:06:14,298
Diego, he had a vasectomy.
175
00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:15,458
Could not have been him.
176
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:18,328
Let me see if I've got
one of my calendars.
177
00:06:18,329 --> 00:06:19,508
This release is not that bad.
178
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,308
I guess.
179
00:06:21,309 --> 00:06:23,418
It's worth considering.
180
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:24,939
- Is that the rate?
- Yeah!
181
00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:27,799
- Got it.
- Hey, bingo!
182
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,909
Diego, Diego.
183
00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:31,859
- Mm-hmm.
- Diego,
184
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,779
Diego, "Cindy 500,"
185
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,403
Diego, Diego, Diego.
186
00:06:37,404 --> 00:06:38,843
Hold on, hold on, back that up.
187
00:06:38,868 --> 00:06:40,787
What's "The Cindy 500"?
188
00:06:40,788 --> 00:06:41,897
It's a little movie we made
189
00:06:41,898 --> 00:06:44,747
where 500 guys banged Cindy
190
00:06:44,748 --> 00:06:46,797
in a paint shed.
191
00:06:46,798 --> 00:06:48,767
- I got a copy.
- Give it here.
192
00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,257
- That'll help.
- Okay, so the father
193
00:06:50,258 --> 00:06:52,566
is gonna be any one of these 500 guys?
194
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:55,261
Could be worse. I have a client
who did a picture called
195
00:06:55,262 --> 00:06:57,207
"20,000 Loads Under the Sea."
196
00:06:58,302 --> 00:07:00,281
Keep the pen. I've got
a million of them.
197
00:07:00,282 --> 00:07:01,332
Thank you.
198
00:07:06,690 --> 00:07:08,455
Ugh, to all the people
who laughed at me
199
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,048
for still using a VHS,
look who's laughing now.
200
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,471
Ha ha!
201
00:07:14,041 --> 00:07:16,309
- Got 'em.
- Hey, hey, don't fast-forward.
202
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:17,364
I don't want any spoilers.
203
00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:19,294
We just need to get to the end
credits so we can get the names.
204
00:07:19,295 --> 00:07:21,036
But when I looked it up on Wankipedia,
205
00:07:21,037 --> 00:07:22,623
it said it was really good.
It's worth watching.
206
00:07:22,648 --> 00:07:23,456
Okay, we'll watch it later,
207
00:07:23,457 --> 00:07:25,292
but for right now, come on.
It's work time, buddy.
208
00:07:25,317 --> 00:07:26,872
- Here we go.
- All right.
209
00:07:26,873 --> 00:07:28,772
- End credits.
- Unrelated, I have an erection.
210
00:07:28,797 --> 00:07:30,596
- Okay, write these down.
- Yeah.
211
00:07:30,597 --> 00:07:33,626
Okay. Tommy Salami.
212
00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:35,147
James Van Der Cock.
213
00:07:35,148 --> 00:07:38,057
Edward Scissordicks.
Benicio Del Toro.
214
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,606
Wait a minute, these aren't
real names, are they?
215
00:07:39,631 --> 00:07:41,650
No, they're obviously fake porn names.
216
00:07:41,651 --> 00:07:43,610
Although I did grow up down the street
217
00:07:43,611 --> 00:07:46,610
- from a Scissordicks family.
- Fuck!
218
00:07:46,611 --> 00:07:49,720
Well, that was a huge
waste of a few moments.
219
00:07:49,721 --> 00:07:53,560
Oh, wait a second.
220
00:07:53,561 --> 00:07:55,287
All these porn actors,
they probably had to fill out
221
00:07:55,288 --> 00:07:57,337
one of these, um... the
forms that Saul gave us.
222
00:07:57,338 --> 00:07:58,594
- Oh, the release form.
- Release form, yeah!
223
00:07:58,619 --> 00:08:00,307
Look at this. Number's on here.
224
00:08:00,308 --> 00:08:02,275
Oh, shit! I'm gonna call Loinsgate.
225
00:08:02,331 --> 00:08:05,407
What is it? Yeah, yeah. 555-0169.
226
00:08:05,408 --> 00:08:08,297
It ended in 69.
227
00:08:08,298 --> 00:08:09,427
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause
they're a porn company.
228
00:08:09,428 --> 00:08:11,357
I know, I know. That's really funny.
229
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,615
Hello. I was wondering
if... if you could give me
230
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,327
the 500 release forms
231
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:17,477
in the adult cult classic
232
00:08:17,478 --> 00:08:19,895
"The Cindy 500"?
233
00:08:20,015 --> 00:08:21,363
Uh-huh.
234
00:08:21,388 --> 00:08:23,457
Oh, okay.
235
00:08:23,973 --> 00:08:25,983
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
236
00:08:27,268 --> 00:08:28,457
Thank you.
237
00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:30,945
- They gave you all 500 names?
- No.
238
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,928
They said that that was
really sensitive information
239
00:08:32,953 --> 00:08:34,556
they don't just give out
to any douchebag.
240
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,496
Shit!
241
00:08:36,497 --> 00:08:38,496
Okay, well...
242
00:08:38,497 --> 00:08:39,676
I guess we have one option left.
243
00:08:39,677 --> 00:08:42,537
Break into Loinsgate
and steal the release forms.
244
00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:47,028
No, I was gonna say smoke a bowl
and guess the 500 names.
245
00:08:47,029 --> 00:08:48,103
But that's a way better idea!
246
00:08:48,899 --> 00:08:50,898
Uh, if you weren't writing down names,
247
00:08:50,899 --> 00:08:52,879
- what were you writing down?
- Oh.
248
00:08:55,819 --> 00:08:57,738
- Ah.
- Cute, right?
249
00:08:57,739 --> 00:08:58,768
Yeah.
250
00:09:32,829 --> 00:09:34,789
Pac, come on, we're in.
251
00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:38,898
Did you get that cheeseburger
out of this Dumpster?
252
00:09:38,899 --> 00:09:40,788
What? No!
253
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,768
I got it from the Dumpster
near our apartment.
254
00:09:42,769 --> 00:09:43,779
Okay.
255
00:09:52,889 --> 00:09:54,869
This is so awesome. I love being bad!
256
00:10:04,939 --> 00:10:07,708
Hey, here it is! Here it is, here it is!
257
00:10:07,709 --> 00:10:08,828
- You got it?
- I got it!
258
00:10:08,829 --> 00:10:10,789
I couldn't even get the...
259
00:10:12,198 --> 00:10:14,167
Hey, what do you two
think you're doing?
260
00:10:14,192 --> 00:10:15,904
- Huh?
- Huh?
261
00:10:15,929 --> 00:10:17,918
No, nothing. What do
you think we're doing?
262
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:20,526
You know what the penalty is
for trespassing, huh?
263
00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:22,721
Six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.
264
00:10:22,816 --> 00:10:24,775
One deep-dicking.
265
00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:27,652
- Huh?
- Huh, what?
266
00:10:27,653 --> 00:10:29,799
- This LA-Chicago-style?
- That's right. Come on.
267
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,628
- What?
- Cut!
268
00:10:31,653 --> 00:10:33,652
What's the problem?
Suck his dick already.
269
00:10:33,653 --> 00:10:35,880
You want me to suck his dick
or do you want him to suck mine
270
00:10:35,905 --> 00:10:37,826
- or... who's sucking...
- Whoa, neither.
271
00:10:37,851 --> 00:10:39,110
- What?
- Actually, I don't know.
272
00:10:39,135 --> 00:10:40,930
Wait, what's happening right now?
273
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,910
You're ruining "File Cabinet
Security Dick Suck 3,"
274
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,760
- that's what's happening.
- Oh.
275
00:10:45,761 --> 00:10:47,880
What's going on?
276
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:48,940
When did we get replaced
277
00:10:48,941 --> 00:10:50,780
by these bigger, fatter, gayer bears?
278
00:10:50,781 --> 00:10:52,800
Hold on.
279
00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:54,880
If those gay bears are the actors,
280
00:10:54,881 --> 00:10:56,427
who are these other gay bears?
281
00:10:56,428 --> 00:10:58,684
We're not gay bears!
282
00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:00,417
What, do you think you're twinks?
283
00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,389
No!
284
00:11:10,449 --> 00:11:12,399
Good to see you guys.
285
00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:16,518
Let's take it back
from "one deep-dicking."
286
00:11:16,519 --> 00:11:17,987
All right, I gotta pick up my kids,
287
00:11:18,012 --> 00:11:19,428
so let's wrap this up.
288
00:11:21,429 --> 00:11:22,518
All right.
289
00:11:22,519 --> 00:11:25,448
500 names for 500 faces.
290
00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:26,528
Now let's watch some porn.
291
00:11:26,529 --> 00:11:28,528
Oh, God, this TV is too small!
292
00:11:28,529 --> 00:11:31,458
I can't see any of the guys' faces.
293
00:11:31,459 --> 00:11:34,408
Are you zooming in like it's an iPhone?
294
00:11:34,409 --> 00:11:36,408
What, no. No!
295
00:11:36,409 --> 00:11:37,608
No, there's... there's a little smudge
296
00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:39,388
on the screen right there. See?
297
00:11:39,389 --> 00:11:40,468
There you go.
298
00:11:40,469 --> 00:11:42,398
Let me try.
299
00:11:42,399 --> 00:11:44,418
- Nope, it's broken.
- I don't have any money.
300
00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:46,578
Okay, well, we can't
work like this, man!
301
00:11:46,579 --> 00:11:48,518
Need a bigger TV.
302
00:11:48,519 --> 00:11:50,448
- We do need a bigger TV.
- Yeah.
303
00:11:50,449 --> 00:11:52,738
You know, if we wanna
start making some money,
304
00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:53,949
we're gonna need to spend money.
305
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:55,003
Right.
306
00:11:55,028 --> 00:11:56,548
'Cause you gotta...
307
00:11:56,867 --> 00:11:59,786
you gotta spend money to make money.
308
00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:00,528
Yeah.
309
00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:02,428
Yeah, you gotta spend money
310
00:12:02,429 --> 00:12:06,518
- to make money!
- To make money!
311
00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:07,608
Shit!
312
00:12:09,409 --> 00:12:10,548
Let's talk about payment.
313
00:12:10,549 --> 00:12:12,548
I don't have any money.
314
00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,518
Well, I got 500 guys out in the truck
315
00:12:14,519 --> 00:12:16,468
who need to get paid.
316
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,379
Get paid?
317
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,558
I'm sure we can work something out.
318
00:12:24,829 --> 00:12:26,848
Oh, yeah. This is so much better.
319
00:12:26,873 --> 00:12:28,498
- That's Cindy, huh?
- Yeah.
320
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,528
She's not even nearly as buff
as I thought she was gonna be.
321
00:12:30,529 --> 00:12:32,398
Nice pecs, though.
322
00:12:32,399 --> 00:12:33,972
So we're gonna need to "demise" a way
323
00:12:33,997 --> 00:12:36,418
to narrow down these gents
and then get their DNA.
324
00:12:36,419 --> 00:12:38,538
What about good old-fashioned
racial profiling?
325
00:12:38,539 --> 00:12:40,488
Read my mind.
326
00:12:40,489 --> 00:12:41,518
What does that mean?
327
00:12:45,553 --> 00:12:48,006
All right, down to 493.
328
00:12:48,197 --> 00:12:51,212
493? Oh, God damn it!
329
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,847
There's too many dicks
and dudes coming at me.
330
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:55,426
I can't... this is gonna
be effing impossible.
331
00:12:55,427 --> 00:12:58,286
That's a good paint job.
332
00:12:58,287 --> 00:13:01,346
- Let me give you a paint job.
- Oh, yeah.
333
00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:04,176
Whoa, whoa, did you see that?
334
00:13:04,177 --> 00:13:05,265
That dude just popped on her face.
335
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:06,573
That dude popped on her face!
336
00:13:06,574 --> 00:13:08,483
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Clyde, X him out!
337
00:13:08,485 --> 00:13:10,504
- Uh, this guy, right?
- Yeah, the smug-looking fucker.
338
00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,554
Oh.
339
00:13:12,555 --> 00:13:15,654
This might just be effing possible.
340
00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:16,635
Tits.
341
00:13:18,525 --> 00:13:20,574
Tits.
342
00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:23,118
Tits. Face. Tits.
343
00:13:23,119 --> 00:13:25,333
- Yep.
- Stomach. Tits.
344
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,397
Face. Ass. Hair.
345
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,719
Ew, camera lens.
346
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,699
- Camera guy.
- Uh...
347
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,027
Well, that one got past the goalie.
348
00:13:34,052 --> 00:13:36,709
Circle that guy.
349
00:13:36,710 --> 00:13:38,769
Tits, tits, tits.
350
00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:41,659
- Got it.
- I want your big brush!
351
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:43,610
Oh, man.
352
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,609
Tits.
353
00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,709
Another one got in. Circle 17.
354
00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:50,759
Number 436, fire in the hole.
355
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,690
No, never mind. Wrong hole.
356
00:13:54,690 --> 00:13:56,770
All right. Let's go find these guys.
357
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:28,789
Spend money...
358
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:30,769
To make money!
359
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,809
Yeah!
360
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:57,729
30 paternity tests if you please.
361
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,639
Also, careful with some
of those semen jars.
362
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,729
It's hard to get a proper
seal with a hot load.
363
00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:04,729
Okay, you're gonna need
to fill out some paperwork.
364
00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:06,670
Uh...
365
00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:10,629
Okay, altogether,
these tests will cost you
366
00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:12,488
roughly $30,000.
367
00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:20,422
What the hell are we gonna do?
368
00:15:20,423 --> 00:15:21,713
We've already spent too much money.
369
00:15:21,714 --> 00:15:22,707
The wedding is tomorrow.
370
00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:24,629
How the hell are we gonna get
30 paternity tests done
371
00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:26,604
quickly and cheaply?
372
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,218
Coming up next... a medium
373
00:15:33,219 --> 00:15:35,631
who's been in contact
with a dead porn star
374
00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:37,888
tries to find out who her baby daddy is
375
00:15:37,913 --> 00:15:40,416
and I reveal which one of these men
376
00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:41,278
is the father.
377
00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,248
Coming up right after
the commercial break.
378
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,198
Welcome back.
379
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,178
Clearly, none of these
men want to man up
380
00:15:52,179 --> 00:15:53,955
and admit that they are the father.
381
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,267
Yeah, right? I know!
382
00:15:56,269 --> 00:15:58,188
Okay, so, Kevin,
383
00:15:58,189 --> 00:16:01,288
are you sure that one of these men
384
00:16:01,447 --> 00:16:02,850
is the father of your baby?
385
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,919
Wesley, I'm 1,000% sure.
386
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,598
But just to be clear... not my baby.
387
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,488
You heard it here first, folks.
388
00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:10,639
The father of this man's baby
389
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,519
is definitely on this stage.
390
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,103
Are you ready to hear
the results, Kevin?
391
00:16:15,128 --> 00:16:16,598
Never been more ready in my life.
392
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,549
- Uh, but again...
- Moment of truth!
393
00:16:18,550 --> 00:16:19,589
Not my baby.
394
00:16:19,590 --> 00:16:21,539
Number one...
395
00:16:22,670 --> 00:16:24,499
You are not the father!
396
00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:29,549
Okay, cut the music. Thank you.
397
00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:32,499
Number two, you are not the father!
398
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,499
Okay, let's just quickly go...
399
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:37,649
not the father, not the father,
400
00:16:37,650 --> 00:16:40,689
definitely not the father. No, no, no,
401
00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:43,639
no, no, no, no, no, no.
402
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,619
And last and probably least,
403
00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:49,579
you...
404
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,619
are not the father!
405
00:16:51,620 --> 00:16:54,559
What?
406
00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:02,549
That's just excessive.
407
00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:04,569
- A little excessive.
- I like it.
408
00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:06,569
Go, go, go!
409
00:17:06,570 --> 00:17:09,479
- Oh! Okay.
- Whoo!
410
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,599
- All right, all right!
- Yes!
411
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,539
- Yes!
- All right!
412
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,539
Well, folks,
413
00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:18,579
we may not have had any positive
paternity tests here today,
414
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,629
but stay with us. Right after
the commercial break,
415
00:17:20,630 --> 00:17:23,489
I will reveal which of
these four gentlemen
416
00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:25,619
tested positive for HIV!
417
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:27,679
Back in a moment!
418
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,619
And we're clear.
419
00:17:29,857 --> 00:17:31,876
Uh, Mr. Chilcott?
420
00:17:31,905 --> 00:17:32,688
- Great show.
- Right?
421
00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:34,589
Uh, what... what happened here?
422
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,569
- What, there was no match?
- Oh, there was a match.
423
00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:38,609
I was just surprised
you didn't bring him with you.
424
00:17:38,610 --> 00:17:40,540
What do you mean? What
are you talking about?
425
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,489
There was DNA all over that.
426
00:17:46,490 --> 00:17:48,550
Good luck.
427
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:54,549
I knew you two were coming back.
428
00:17:54,550 --> 00:17:56,195
Now, that just proves that you're secure
429
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:57,599
in your heterosexuality.
430
00:17:57,989 --> 00:18:00,216
Okay, now let's see
a little ass to mouth.
431
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,436
Saul, we told you before, we're
not doing any gay bear porn!
432
00:18:03,437 --> 00:18:05,971
Yeah, no shit. We
wrapped that last week.
433
00:18:06,091 --> 00:18:08,396
- Good!
- We're on to rhino porn now.
434
00:18:08,397 --> 00:18:09,486
- What?
- All you gotta do
435
00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:11,506
is strap a dildo to your head
436
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,496
and peg each other in a mud puddle.
437
00:18:13,497 --> 00:18:15,416
- That's gross, man!
- It's not that bad.
438
00:18:15,417 --> 00:18:16,724
That is bad, Clyde.
439
00:18:16,749 --> 00:18:17,979
Doesn't get much worse than that.
440
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:20,179
Listen, Saul, we're trying to tell you
441
00:18:20,204 --> 00:18:22,233
that you are the father
of Cindy's daughter.
442
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,878
- You're Jane's dad.
- Really?
443
00:18:24,879 --> 00:18:25,988
- Yeah.
- Yes.
444
00:18:25,990 --> 00:18:27,023
Hey, can I have one
of these dick candies?
445
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:27,809
Yeah, help yourself.
446
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:30,892
So, basically, we tested this
pen, which had your DNA on it,
447
00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,703
- and it was a match.
- Well, that makes sense.
448
00:18:34,037 --> 00:18:36,046
I always give my clients
a warm-up fuck.
449
00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,684
Huh. That information
might've been useful
450
00:18:38,709 --> 00:18:40,873
- about a week ago.
- Listen, the warm-up fuck,
451
00:18:40,898 --> 00:18:42,917
it is standard practice in our industry.
452
00:18:44,768 --> 00:18:46,857
- I have a daughter?
- Yes, you do,
453
00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,777
and she is marrying a very, very nice,
454
00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:50,837
- very quiet guy.
- That little prick
455
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,813
didn't ask for my blessing!
456
00:18:51,814 --> 00:18:54,374
Saul, you're getting caught up
in the wrong details, man!
457
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:55,740
You have a daughter who is waiting
458
00:18:55,765 --> 00:18:57,529
for you to walk her
down the aisle right now.
459
00:18:57,530 --> 00:18:58,649
Wow.
460
00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:01,459
Is there anything special
461
00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:02,510
I have to wear to this wedding?
462
00:19:03,670 --> 00:19:06,609
As a matter of fact, there is.
463
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:13,489
My God, you look beautiful.
464
00:19:13,490 --> 00:19:15,457
I think you have a future in film.
465
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:18,599
The astronaut helmet
was a really good idea.
466
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:19,669
Yeah, I think so.
467
00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:21,489
I still think he should be wearing it,
468
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:22,589
but...
469
00:19:24,470 --> 00:19:26,469
My little baby girl looks so happy.
470
00:19:27,610 --> 00:19:30,439
Thank you so much
for finding her father back.
471
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,619
I...
472
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,489
it couldn't have been easy.
473
00:19:33,490 --> 00:19:36,449
Well, it was my pleasure, honestly.
474
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:39,106
It just gives me so much joy
helping somebody find their dad.
475
00:19:39,131 --> 00:19:40,528
I mean, I... I never knew my dad,
476
00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:42,183
but, you know, who knows?
477
00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:43,352
- Maybe one day I'll...
- Listen, my light's here,
478
00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:45,232
so I'm just gonna...
479
00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,583
Oh, right. Yeah. Of course.
480
00:19:50,343 --> 00:19:53,182
Oh, my God.
481
00:19:53,183 --> 00:19:55,272
Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.
482
00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:56,362
Oh!
483
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,192
Oh, it's finally happening!
484
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:04,242
Oh!
485
00:20:04,243 --> 00:20:06,233
I'm coming!
486
00:20:09,213 --> 00:20:10,382
Oh, yes.
487
00:20:19,223 --> 00:20:22,252
Welcome back to the Daytona 500 Open.
488
00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,202
Check this out.
489
00:20:24,488 --> 00:20:26,173
A thousand clams. Making it rain.
490
00:20:26,198 --> 00:20:28,107
Shit.
491
00:20:28,108 --> 00:20:30,066
How do the hip-hoppers
make it look so easy?
492
00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:31,581
They take the elastic off first.
493
00:20:31,582 --> 00:20:33,651
Listen, we made a lot of
money on this last job,
494
00:20:33,652 --> 00:20:35,571
but with all our expenses,
495
00:20:35,572 --> 00:20:36,771
we didn't net quite as
much as we had hoped.
496
00:20:36,772 --> 00:20:39,102
Okay, well, how much did we make?
497
00:20:40,702 --> 00:20:44,621
- Negative 40 grand.
- What?! Holy shit! How?!
498
00:20:44,622 --> 00:20:47,233
I mean, I guess we didn't need
to fly to China first class.
499
00:20:47,258 --> 00:20:48,793
And travel like garbage people?
500
00:20:48,794 --> 00:20:50,743
Absolutely not. Look,
501
00:20:50,744 --> 00:20:52,773
we both understand that you need
to spend money to make money.
502
00:20:52,774 --> 00:20:54,633
- We're gonna be fine.
- Yeah, I'm starting to think
503
00:20:54,634 --> 00:20:55,763
that might be a flawed theory.
504
00:20:55,764 --> 00:20:58,184
No. No, it is not. Just
look at this TV, okay?
505
00:20:58,185 --> 00:20:59,366
- See that guy?
- Yeah.
506
00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:02,045
That's Danny Poker, all right?
He spent $10,000
507
00:21:02,070 --> 00:21:03,989
to enter this tourney just for a chance
508
00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:05,069
to win a million bucks.
509
00:21:05,070 --> 00:21:07,079
That guy spends money to make money
510
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,979
- and he always wins.
- Huh.
511
00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:10,919
- All right...
- That's pretty cool, I guess.
512
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,039
- He's about to make a move.
- Wow!
513
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,939
Danny Poker is being taken all-in.
514
00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:18,069
Will he call or will he fold?
515
00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:20,079
Oh, there it is, folks...
516
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,238
Danny's patented death stare
517
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,289
where he reads his
opponent like a book.
518
00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:37,348
Call.
519
00:21:37,349 --> 00:21:39,378
Holy shit.
520
00:21:39,379 --> 00:21:42,288
- Intense, right?
- Oh, my God!
521
00:21:42,289 --> 00:21:44,529
He did it! He won!
522
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:46,278
Danny Poker did it again!
523
00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:49,966
Can you believe that he
called with a 7-2 off-suit?
524
00:21:50,402 --> 00:21:52,762
It's like he knew his opponent's cards.
525
00:21:52,796 --> 00:21:54,855
Little, tiny paper dicks in your mouth.
526
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:57,037
How's it feel? How's it feel?
How's it feel?
527
00:21:57,062 --> 00:21:59,061
Now that's how you make it rain.
528
00:22:05,986 --> 00:22:10,986
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
37634
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