All language subtitles for Deadbeat - 03x04 - The Cindy 500.WEBRip.x264-[eSc].English.C.edit.Addic7ed.com_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,765 --> 00:00:09,724 On today's show, a man who had a penis transplant 2 00:00:09,725 --> 00:00:12,122 finally meets the family of his deceased donor. 3 00:00:12,147 --> 00:00:14,644 What he doesn't know... 4 00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:16,704 they want the penis back. 5 00:00:16,705 --> 00:00:19,634 That's so ridiculous! 6 00:00:19,635 --> 00:00:21,764 I never would've gone on national television 7 00:00:21,765 --> 00:00:23,694 after my penis transplant. 8 00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:24,714 What? 9 00:00:24,715 --> 00:00:26,654 Oh, dude, we got a job. 10 00:00:26,655 --> 00:00:28,291 - Grab your jacket. Let's go. - Yeah, look, dude, 11 00:00:28,292 --> 00:00:30,381 we just worked yesterday. I mean, come on, 12 00:00:30,383 --> 00:00:32,402 let's set a couple guidelines here, okay, Roomie? 13 00:00:32,403 --> 00:00:34,139 I'm not really a "get up early", 14 00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,985 wash my whole body, and go to work two days in a row" 15 00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:38,083 type of guy, just generally speaking. 16 00:00:38,108 --> 00:00:41,118 Pac, we do this job, we get a thousand clams. 17 00:00:41,119 --> 00:00:42,208 I don't know, dude. That seems like 18 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,118 way too many clams for just two guys. 19 00:00:45,315 --> 00:00:46,364 - Are you serious? - Yeah. 20 00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:48,277 I mean, that's a thousand clams. 21 00:00:48,302 --> 00:00:49,764 I guess we could freeze half of them 22 00:00:49,765 --> 00:00:51,764 and then slowly work our way through the first 500. 23 00:00:51,765 --> 00:00:54,664 No, Pac, the job pays a thousand dollars. 24 00:00:54,665 --> 00:00:56,654 Oh, fuck me, okay! 25 00:00:56,655 --> 00:00:57,754 Why didn't you say so? 26 00:00:57,755 --> 00:00:59,774 What do you say, celebratory bong hits? 27 00:00:59,775 --> 00:01:01,824 No, dude. We just got a job. 28 00:01:01,825 --> 00:01:04,535 Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry. 29 00:01:04,536 --> 00:01:06,445 It's unprofessional. 30 00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:09,456 - We're smoking blunts. - Hey-o! 31 00:01:09,457 --> 00:01:11,516 Let me see that thing. Do you have one for you? 32 00:01:15,931 --> 00:01:18,931 - Synced and corrected by hawken45 - - www.addic7ed.com - 33 00:01:48,607 --> 00:01:50,656 Ooh. 34 00:01:50,657 --> 00:01:53,426 - But it sounds good. - Reverb, brother. 35 00:01:53,427 --> 00:01:56,436 - Hi. - You must be the ghost guys. 36 00:01:56,437 --> 00:01:58,486 We are indeed. Although I don't see ghosts. 37 00:01:58,487 --> 00:01:59,616 He does. But we're partners. 38 00:01:59,617 --> 00:02:01,536 Yeah. I mean, we're not, like, life partners. 39 00:02:01,537 --> 00:02:03,516 We're business partners. But I guess we would like 40 00:02:03,517 --> 00:02:05,466 the business to last a lifetime. 41 00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:06,586 - But, no, we're not lovers. - Yeah, but we have, like, 42 00:02:06,587 --> 00:02:08,486 no problem changing in front of each other 43 00:02:08,487 --> 00:02:09,566 - and stuff like that. - I don't love it, but... 44 00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:10,636 Thrilling story. Listen, 45 00:02:10,637 --> 00:02:12,476 I'm getting married here in a week 46 00:02:12,477 --> 00:02:14,202 and every time I try to rehearse, 47 00:02:14,227 --> 00:02:15,586 my father-in-law gets injured 48 00:02:15,587 --> 00:02:17,566 and it's really taking the attention away from me. 49 00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,546 Clearly, something doesn't want me 50 00:02:19,547 --> 00:02:20,656 to walk down this aisle. 51 00:02:20,657 --> 00:02:22,516 - Yeah. - So maybe it's best 52 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,536 - I just sit this one out. - Come on, Gus. 53 00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:27,676 You know I need a father figure to walk me down the aisle. 54 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,606 See, my real dad's an astronaut 55 00:02:30,607 --> 00:02:33,526 and he's been busy on this super important space mission 56 00:02:33,527 --> 00:02:35,616 - since before I was born. - Whoa. Oh, holy shit. 57 00:02:35,617 --> 00:02:37,867 I... you know, I never met my dad either. 58 00:02:37,892 --> 00:02:39,456 In fact, I was born in an orphanage. 59 00:02:39,457 --> 00:02:40,576 I mean, I wasn't born in an orphanage... 60 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,486 I'm sorry. It just... it seems like 61 00:02:42,487 --> 00:02:43,606 you're winding up to tell a very lengthy story 62 00:02:43,607 --> 00:02:45,436 and I really don't have time for that. 63 00:02:45,437 --> 00:02:46,556 Right, yeah, of course. 64 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,496 Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind, 65 00:02:48,497 --> 00:02:50,486 would you take a couple steps down the aisle 66 00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:52,506 so I can get a better sense of what's going on in here? 67 00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:53,606 I'd rather not. 68 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,456 I'd really rather you did. 69 00:02:55,457 --> 00:02:56,937 Come on, Gus. This is important. 70 00:02:56,962 --> 00:02:59,076 We're getting married in one week. 71 00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:01,487 Just walk down the aisle. 72 00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,556 Okay. 73 00:03:05,557 --> 00:03:07,506 - Not so bad. - No, no, keep going. 74 00:03:07,507 --> 00:03:09,486 Get into the aisle. 75 00:03:09,487 --> 00:03:11,536 Oh! 76 00:03:11,537 --> 00:03:13,446 I told you! 77 00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:14,646 We should, um... 78 00:03:14,647 --> 00:03:16,486 We should really go check on him. 79 00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:18,456 - Sure. - Fix this. 80 00:03:18,457 --> 00:03:19,566 Yes, as you wish, ma'am. 81 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,586 This is wrong. 82 00:03:21,587 --> 00:03:23,546 This is all wrong. 83 00:03:23,547 --> 00:03:25,506 - God. - Hi there! 84 00:03:25,507 --> 00:03:27,426 - Oh, is it the ghost? - Yeah. 85 00:03:27,427 --> 00:03:29,127 Fucking Jesus Christ! 86 00:03:29,159 --> 00:03:30,506 It's the ghost of Jesus? 87 00:03:30,507 --> 00:03:31,875 Oh, I have so many questions. 88 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,435 Ask him what kind of wood I should use 89 00:03:33,437 --> 00:03:34,586 when I'm building my end table. 90 00:03:34,587 --> 00:03:36,476 No, it's not the ghost of Jesus Christ, man. 91 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:38,436 It's a... it's a lady ghost. 92 00:03:38,437 --> 00:03:39,606 Really? Describe her. 93 00:03:39,607 --> 00:03:41,606 Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh... 94 00:03:41,607 --> 00:03:44,426 uh, 95 00:03:44,427 --> 00:03:45,536 well-built. 96 00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:47,456 Muscular? That's hot. 97 00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:48,566 - Yeah, muscular. - All right, listen. 98 00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,466 I'm kind of in a time crunch here, 99 00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:52,486 - so if we could just... - Get right to it. 100 00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:54,476 The thing is, I know I don't look old-fashioned, 101 00:03:54,477 --> 00:03:56,516 but I am, and I really need Jane's father 102 00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:58,616 - to walk her down the aisle. - Isn't Jane's father 103 00:03:58,617 --> 00:04:01,345 - in outer space? - What? No! 104 00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:02,606 She just told me he was. 105 00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:04,163 Jane's father is not in space. 106 00:04:04,188 --> 00:04:05,486 That is something I made up 107 00:04:05,487 --> 00:04:06,616 to tell a two-year-old. 108 00:04:06,617 --> 00:04:10,028 See, the thing is, I was a porn actress, okay? 109 00:04:10,053 --> 00:04:12,426 - Yeah. - Cindy Squirter. 110 00:04:12,427 --> 00:04:13,446 - No? - No. 111 00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:15,566 - No? - Cindy Squirter? 112 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,606 Her dad was one of my costars 113 00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:20,436 and I was gonna come clean to her about it at some point, 114 00:04:20,437 --> 00:04:21,596 but I died when she was so young. 115 00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:23,486 Pac, what's happening? Tell me what's going on. 116 00:04:23,487 --> 00:04:24,536 Okay, she was a porn star. 117 00:04:24,537 --> 00:04:25,905 - Actress. - Muscle porn? 118 00:04:25,930 --> 00:04:26,626 - Yo, that's my jam! - I know. 119 00:04:26,627 --> 00:04:27,850 - Okay, - Hook me up! 120 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,264 This might be kind of easier than we think. 121 00:04:29,289 --> 00:04:30,830 You just tell us the name of that costar, 122 00:04:30,831 --> 00:04:32,871 we go round him up and bring him to the wedding. 123 00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:33,840 - Piece of cake. - I don't know 124 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,812 who Jane's father is. That's the problem. 125 00:04:35,837 --> 00:04:37,351 I made a lot of movies 126 00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:39,908 around the time that Jane was conceived. 127 00:04:40,178 --> 00:04:42,129 All I know is it was October 1991 128 00:04:42,161 --> 00:04:43,270 and the only person with the information 129 00:04:43,271 --> 00:04:45,140 of who I was in the movies with 130 00:04:45,141 --> 00:04:47,095 was my agent, Saul. 131 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,240 Your agent Saul. 132 00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:50,160 Okay, good. That's where we'll start, then. 133 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,851 - Come on, let's go. - So, does she have, like, 134 00:04:53,852 --> 00:04:54,971 a Sylvester Stallone kind of body? 135 00:04:54,972 --> 00:04:56,011 Yeah. "First Blood." 136 00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:00,011 - Guys, come in. Sit down. - Thank you. 137 00:05:00,012 --> 00:05:01,656 Thank you. Don't mind if we do. 138 00:05:01,657 --> 00:05:03,626 Okay, before we get started, you gotta sign 139 00:05:03,628 --> 00:05:05,557 one of these release forms. 140 00:05:05,558 --> 00:05:06,677 - Here. - Sure. Sure, sure, sure. 141 00:05:06,678 --> 00:05:09,587 Sorry, the pen's a little chewed up, but... 142 00:05:09,588 --> 00:05:12,507 Sorry, what are these release forms for? 143 00:05:12,508 --> 00:05:13,657 Big, fat, gay bear movie. 144 00:05:13,658 --> 00:05:16,527 - No... - You two, you're perfect. 145 00:05:16,528 --> 00:05:18,587 No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. 146 00:05:18,588 --> 00:05:21,647 No, no, no, we're not here for any big, fat, gay bear porn. 147 00:05:21,648 --> 00:05:23,637 You can't quite pull off twink anymore. 148 00:05:23,638 --> 00:05:26,647 No, no, no. We're not here for any kind of gay porn. 149 00:05:26,648 --> 00:05:28,647 You don't have to be gay to suck dick in a film. 150 00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:29,648 - Well... - Some of 151 00:05:29,649 --> 00:05:30,697 the straightest guys I know, 152 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,617 they exclusively have sex with men. 153 00:05:32,618 --> 00:05:35,201 - No. Saul... - How much do these guys make? 154 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,759 - No, Clyde! - What if we just 155 00:05:36,784 --> 00:05:38,200 - jerk off with... all right. - Yeah, we're not. 156 00:05:38,201 --> 00:05:39,380 We're not going down that path. Saul, 157 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,320 we're here because of a former client of yours, 158 00:05:41,321 --> 00:05:43,360 - Cindy Squirter. - God. 159 00:05:43,694 --> 00:05:45,643 - Sweet girl. - Yeah. 160 00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:47,659 Can I have one of these dick candies? 161 00:05:47,684 --> 00:05:48,724 Yeah, help yourself. 162 00:05:50,854 --> 00:05:53,643 She has a kid who's all grown up now 163 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,683 and we're trying to find its father. 164 00:05:54,684 --> 00:05:55,469 Do you have any recollection 165 00:05:55,470 --> 00:05:56,880 of what Cindy's schedule would've looked like 166 00:05:56,905 --> 00:05:58,348 in October of '91? 167 00:05:58,349 --> 00:05:59,428 You know, around that time, 168 00:05:59,429 --> 00:06:02,278 Cindy, she worked almost exclusively 169 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,338 with an actor named Diego. 170 00:06:04,339 --> 00:06:06,288 - Diego. - Decent guy. 171 00:06:06,289 --> 00:06:08,338 - Great penis. - Okay, well, excellent. 172 00:06:08,339 --> 00:06:09,448 So, then Diego must be her father. 173 00:06:09,449 --> 00:06:11,378 - I think so. - The only trouble is 174 00:06:11,379 --> 00:06:14,298 Diego, he had a vasectomy. 175 00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:15,458 Could not have been him. 176 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:18,328 Let me see if I've got one of my calendars. 177 00:06:18,329 --> 00:06:19,508 This release is not that bad. 178 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,308 I guess. 179 00:06:21,309 --> 00:06:23,418 It's worth considering. 180 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:24,939 - Is that the rate? - Yeah! 181 00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:27,799 - Got it. - Hey, bingo! 182 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,909 Diego, Diego. 183 00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:31,859 - Mm-hmm. - Diego, 184 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,779 Diego, "Cindy 500," 185 00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,403 Diego, Diego, Diego. 186 00:06:37,404 --> 00:06:38,843 Hold on, hold on, back that up. 187 00:06:38,868 --> 00:06:40,787 What's "The Cindy 500"? 188 00:06:40,788 --> 00:06:41,897 It's a little movie we made 189 00:06:41,898 --> 00:06:44,747 where 500 guys banged Cindy 190 00:06:44,748 --> 00:06:46,797 in a paint shed. 191 00:06:46,798 --> 00:06:48,767 - I got a copy. - Give it here. 192 00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,257 - That'll help. - Okay, so the father 193 00:06:50,258 --> 00:06:52,566 is gonna be any one of these 500 guys? 194 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:55,261 Could be worse. I have a client who did a picture called 195 00:06:55,262 --> 00:06:57,207 "20,000 Loads Under the Sea." 196 00:06:58,302 --> 00:07:00,281 Keep the pen. I've got a million of them. 197 00:07:00,282 --> 00:07:01,332 Thank you. 198 00:07:06,690 --> 00:07:08,455 Ugh, to all the people who laughed at me 199 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,048 for still using a VHS, look who's laughing now. 200 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,471 Ha ha! 201 00:07:14,041 --> 00:07:16,309 - Got 'em. - Hey, hey, don't fast-forward. 202 00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:17,364 I don't want any spoilers. 203 00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:19,294 We just need to get to the end credits so we can get the names. 204 00:07:19,295 --> 00:07:21,036 But when I looked it up on Wankipedia, 205 00:07:21,037 --> 00:07:22,623 it said it was really good. It's worth watching. 206 00:07:22,648 --> 00:07:23,456 Okay, we'll watch it later, 207 00:07:23,457 --> 00:07:25,292 but for right now, come on. It's work time, buddy. 208 00:07:25,317 --> 00:07:26,872 - Here we go. - All right. 209 00:07:26,873 --> 00:07:28,772 - End credits. - Unrelated, I have an erection. 210 00:07:28,797 --> 00:07:30,596 - Okay, write these down. - Yeah. 211 00:07:30,597 --> 00:07:33,626 Okay. Tommy Salami. 212 00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:35,147 James Van Der Cock. 213 00:07:35,148 --> 00:07:38,057 Edward Scissordicks. Benicio Del Toro. 214 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,606 Wait a minute, these aren't real names, are they? 215 00:07:39,631 --> 00:07:41,650 No, they're obviously fake porn names. 216 00:07:41,651 --> 00:07:43,610 Although I did grow up down the street 217 00:07:43,611 --> 00:07:46,610 - from a Scissordicks family. - Fuck! 218 00:07:46,611 --> 00:07:49,720 Well, that was a huge waste of a few moments. 219 00:07:49,721 --> 00:07:53,560 Oh, wait a second. 220 00:07:53,561 --> 00:07:55,287 All these porn actors, they probably had to fill out 221 00:07:55,288 --> 00:07:57,337 one of these, um... the forms that Saul gave us. 222 00:07:57,338 --> 00:07:58,594 - Oh, the release form. - Release form, yeah! 223 00:07:58,619 --> 00:08:00,307 Look at this. Number's on here. 224 00:08:00,308 --> 00:08:02,275 Oh, shit! I'm gonna call Loinsgate. 225 00:08:02,331 --> 00:08:05,407 What is it? Yeah, yeah. 555-0169. 226 00:08:05,408 --> 00:08:08,297 It ended in 69. 227 00:08:08,298 --> 00:08:09,427 Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause they're a porn company. 228 00:08:09,428 --> 00:08:11,357 I know, I know. That's really funny. 229 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,615 Hello. I was wondering if... if you could give me 230 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,327 the 500 release forms 231 00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:17,477 in the adult cult classic 232 00:08:17,478 --> 00:08:19,895 "The Cindy 500"? 233 00:08:20,015 --> 00:08:21,363 Uh-huh. 234 00:08:21,388 --> 00:08:23,457 Oh, okay. 235 00:08:23,973 --> 00:08:25,983 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 236 00:08:27,268 --> 00:08:28,457 Thank you. 237 00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:30,945 - They gave you all 500 names? - No. 238 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,928 They said that that was really sensitive information 239 00:08:32,953 --> 00:08:34,556 they don't just give out to any douchebag. 240 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,496 Shit! 241 00:08:36,497 --> 00:08:38,496 Okay, well... 242 00:08:38,497 --> 00:08:39,676 I guess we have one option left. 243 00:08:39,677 --> 00:08:42,537 Break into Loinsgate and steal the release forms. 244 00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:47,028 No, I was gonna say smoke a bowl and guess the 500 names. 245 00:08:47,029 --> 00:08:48,103 But that's a way better idea! 246 00:08:48,899 --> 00:08:50,898 Uh, if you weren't writing down names, 247 00:08:50,899 --> 00:08:52,879 - what were you writing down? - Oh. 248 00:08:55,819 --> 00:08:57,738 - Ah. - Cute, right? 249 00:08:57,739 --> 00:08:58,768 Yeah. 250 00:09:32,829 --> 00:09:34,789 Pac, come on, we're in. 251 00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:38,898 Did you get that cheeseburger out of this Dumpster? 252 00:09:38,899 --> 00:09:40,788 What? No! 253 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,768 I got it from the Dumpster near our apartment. 254 00:09:42,769 --> 00:09:43,779 Okay. 255 00:09:52,889 --> 00:09:54,869 This is so awesome. I love being bad! 256 00:10:04,939 --> 00:10:07,708 Hey, here it is! Here it is, here it is! 257 00:10:07,709 --> 00:10:08,828 - You got it? - I got it! 258 00:10:08,829 --> 00:10:10,789 I couldn't even get the... 259 00:10:12,198 --> 00:10:14,167 Hey, what do you two think you're doing? 260 00:10:14,192 --> 00:10:15,904 - Huh? - Huh? 261 00:10:15,929 --> 00:10:17,918 No, nothing. What do you think we're doing? 262 00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:20,526 You know what the penalty is for trespassing, huh? 263 00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:22,721 Six months in jail and a $1,000 fine. 264 00:10:22,816 --> 00:10:24,775 One deep-dicking. 265 00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:27,652 - Huh? - Huh, what? 266 00:10:27,653 --> 00:10:29,799 - This LA-Chicago-style? - That's right. Come on. 267 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,628 - What? - Cut! 268 00:10:31,653 --> 00:10:33,652 What's the problem? Suck his dick already. 269 00:10:33,653 --> 00:10:35,880 You want me to suck his dick or do you want him to suck mine 270 00:10:35,905 --> 00:10:37,826 - or... who's sucking... - Whoa, neither. 271 00:10:37,851 --> 00:10:39,110 - What? - Actually, I don't know. 272 00:10:39,135 --> 00:10:40,930 Wait, what's happening right now? 273 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,910 You're ruining "File Cabinet Security Dick Suck 3," 274 00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,760 - that's what's happening. - Oh. 275 00:10:45,761 --> 00:10:47,880 What's going on? 276 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:48,940 When did we get replaced 277 00:10:48,941 --> 00:10:50,780 by these bigger, fatter, gayer bears? 278 00:10:50,781 --> 00:10:52,800 Hold on. 279 00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:54,880 If those gay bears are the actors, 280 00:10:54,881 --> 00:10:56,427 who are these other gay bears? 281 00:10:56,428 --> 00:10:58,684 We're not gay bears! 282 00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:00,417 What, do you think you're twinks? 283 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,389 No! 284 00:11:10,449 --> 00:11:12,399 Good to see you guys. 285 00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:16,518 Let's take it back from "one deep-dicking." 286 00:11:16,519 --> 00:11:17,987 All right, I gotta pick up my kids, 287 00:11:18,012 --> 00:11:19,428 so let's wrap this up. 288 00:11:21,429 --> 00:11:22,518 All right. 289 00:11:22,519 --> 00:11:25,448 500 names for 500 faces. 290 00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:26,528 Now let's watch some porn. 291 00:11:26,529 --> 00:11:28,528 Oh, God, this TV is too small! 292 00:11:28,529 --> 00:11:31,458 I can't see any of the guys' faces. 293 00:11:31,459 --> 00:11:34,408 Are you zooming in like it's an iPhone? 294 00:11:34,409 --> 00:11:36,408 What, no. No! 295 00:11:36,409 --> 00:11:37,608 No, there's... there's a little smudge 296 00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:39,388 on the screen right there. See? 297 00:11:39,389 --> 00:11:40,468 There you go. 298 00:11:40,469 --> 00:11:42,398 Let me try. 299 00:11:42,399 --> 00:11:44,418 - Nope, it's broken. - I don't have any money. 300 00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:46,578 Okay, well, we can't work like this, man! 301 00:11:46,579 --> 00:11:48,518 Need a bigger TV. 302 00:11:48,519 --> 00:11:50,448 - We do need a bigger TV. - Yeah. 303 00:11:50,449 --> 00:11:52,738 You know, if we wanna start making some money, 304 00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:53,949 we're gonna need to spend money. 305 00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:55,003 Right. 306 00:11:55,028 --> 00:11:56,548 'Cause you gotta... 307 00:11:56,867 --> 00:11:59,786 you gotta spend money to make money. 308 00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:00,528 Yeah. 309 00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:02,428 Yeah, you gotta spend money 310 00:12:02,429 --> 00:12:06,518 - to make money! - To make money! 311 00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:07,608 Shit! 312 00:12:09,409 --> 00:12:10,548 Let's talk about payment. 313 00:12:10,549 --> 00:12:12,548 I don't have any money. 314 00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,518 Well, I got 500 guys out in the truck 315 00:12:14,519 --> 00:12:16,468 who need to get paid. 316 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,379 Get paid? 317 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,558 I'm sure we can work something out. 318 00:12:24,829 --> 00:12:26,848 Oh, yeah. This is so much better. 319 00:12:26,873 --> 00:12:28,498 - That's Cindy, huh? - Yeah. 320 00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,528 She's not even nearly as buff as I thought she was gonna be. 321 00:12:30,529 --> 00:12:32,398 Nice pecs, though. 322 00:12:32,399 --> 00:12:33,972 So we're gonna need to "demise" a way 323 00:12:33,997 --> 00:12:36,418 to narrow down these gents and then get their DNA. 324 00:12:36,419 --> 00:12:38,538 What about good old-fashioned racial profiling? 325 00:12:38,539 --> 00:12:40,488 Read my mind. 326 00:12:40,489 --> 00:12:41,518 What does that mean? 327 00:12:45,553 --> 00:12:48,006 All right, down to 493. 328 00:12:48,197 --> 00:12:51,212 493? Oh, God damn it! 329 00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,847 There's too many dicks and dudes coming at me. 330 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:55,426 I can't... this is gonna be effing impossible. 331 00:12:55,427 --> 00:12:58,286 That's a good paint job. 332 00:12:58,287 --> 00:13:01,346 - Let me give you a paint job. - Oh, yeah. 333 00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:04,176 Whoa, whoa, did you see that? 334 00:13:04,177 --> 00:13:05,265 That dude just popped on her face. 335 00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:06,573 That dude popped on her face! 336 00:13:06,574 --> 00:13:08,483 - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Clyde, X him out! 337 00:13:08,485 --> 00:13:10,504 - Uh, this guy, right? - Yeah, the smug-looking fucker. 338 00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,554 Oh. 339 00:13:12,555 --> 00:13:15,654 This might just be effing possible. 340 00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:16,635 Tits. 341 00:13:18,525 --> 00:13:20,574 Tits. 342 00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:23,118 Tits. Face. Tits. 343 00:13:23,119 --> 00:13:25,333 - Yep. - Stomach. Tits. 344 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,397 Face. Ass. Hair. 345 00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,719 Ew, camera lens. 346 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,699 - Camera guy. - Uh... 347 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,027 Well, that one got past the goalie. 348 00:13:34,052 --> 00:13:36,709 Circle that guy. 349 00:13:36,710 --> 00:13:38,769 Tits, tits, tits. 350 00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:41,659 - Got it. - I want your big brush! 351 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:43,610 Oh, man. 352 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,609 Tits. 353 00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,709 Another one got in. Circle 17. 354 00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:50,759 Number 436, fire in the hole. 355 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,690 No, never mind. Wrong hole. 356 00:13:54,690 --> 00:13:56,770 All right. Let's go find these guys. 357 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:28,789 Spend money... 358 00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:30,769 To make money! 359 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,809 Yeah! 360 00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:57,729 30 paternity tests if you please. 361 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,639 Also, careful with some of those semen jars. 362 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,729 It's hard to get a proper seal with a hot load. 363 00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:04,729 Okay, you're gonna need to fill out some paperwork. 364 00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:06,670 Uh... 365 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:10,629 Okay, altogether, these tests will cost you 366 00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:12,488 roughly $30,000. 367 00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:20,422 What the hell are we gonna do? 368 00:15:20,423 --> 00:15:21,713 We've already spent too much money. 369 00:15:21,714 --> 00:15:22,707 The wedding is tomorrow. 370 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:24,629 How the hell are we gonna get 30 paternity tests done 371 00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:26,604 quickly and cheaply? 372 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,218 Coming up next... a medium 373 00:15:33,219 --> 00:15:35,631 who's been in contact with a dead porn star 374 00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:37,888 tries to find out who her baby daddy is 375 00:15:37,913 --> 00:15:40,416 and I reveal which one of these men 376 00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:41,278 is the father. 377 00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,248 Coming up right after the commercial break. 378 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,198 Welcome back. 379 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,178 Clearly, none of these men want to man up 380 00:15:52,179 --> 00:15:53,955 and admit that they are the father. 381 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,267 Yeah, right? I know! 382 00:15:56,269 --> 00:15:58,188 Okay, so, Kevin, 383 00:15:58,189 --> 00:16:01,288 are you sure that one of these men 384 00:16:01,447 --> 00:16:02,850 is the father of your baby? 385 00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:04,919 Wesley, I'm 1,000% sure. 386 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,598 But just to be clear... not my baby. 387 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,488 You heard it here first, folks. 388 00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:10,639 The father of this man's baby 389 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,519 is definitely on this stage. 390 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,103 Are you ready to hear the results, Kevin? 391 00:16:15,128 --> 00:16:16,598 Never been more ready in my life. 392 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,549 - Uh, but again... - Moment of truth! 393 00:16:18,550 --> 00:16:19,589 Not my baby. 394 00:16:19,590 --> 00:16:21,539 Number one... 395 00:16:22,670 --> 00:16:24,499 You are not the father! 396 00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:29,549 Okay, cut the music. Thank you. 397 00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:32,499 Number two, you are not the father! 398 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,499 Okay, let's just quickly go... 399 00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:37,649 not the father, not the father, 400 00:16:37,650 --> 00:16:40,689 definitely not the father. No, no, no, 401 00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:43,639 no, no, no, no, no, no. 402 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,619 And last and probably least, 403 00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:49,579 you... 404 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,619 are not the father! 405 00:16:51,620 --> 00:16:54,559 What? 406 00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:02,549 That's just excessive. 407 00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:04,569 - A little excessive. - I like it. 408 00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:06,569 Go, go, go! 409 00:17:06,570 --> 00:17:09,479 - Oh! Okay. - Whoo! 410 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,599 - All right, all right! - Yes! 411 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,539 - Yes! - All right! 412 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,539 Well, folks, 413 00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:18,579 we may not have had any positive paternity tests here today, 414 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,629 but stay with us. Right after the commercial break, 415 00:17:20,630 --> 00:17:23,489 I will reveal which of these four gentlemen 416 00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:25,619 tested positive for HIV! 417 00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:27,679 Back in a moment! 418 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,619 And we're clear. 419 00:17:29,857 --> 00:17:31,876 Uh, Mr. Chilcott? 420 00:17:31,905 --> 00:17:32,688 - Great show. - Right? 421 00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:34,589 Uh, what... what happened here? 422 00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,569 - What, there was no match? - Oh, there was a match. 423 00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:38,609 I was just surprised you didn't bring him with you. 424 00:17:38,610 --> 00:17:40,540 What do you mean? What are you talking about? 425 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,489 There was DNA all over that. 426 00:17:46,490 --> 00:17:48,550 Good luck. 427 00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:54,549 I knew you two were coming back. 428 00:17:54,550 --> 00:17:56,195 Now, that just proves that you're secure 429 00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:57,599 in your heterosexuality. 430 00:17:57,989 --> 00:18:00,216 Okay, now let's see a little ass to mouth. 431 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,436 Saul, we told you before, we're not doing any gay bear porn! 432 00:18:03,437 --> 00:18:05,971 Yeah, no shit. We wrapped that last week. 433 00:18:06,091 --> 00:18:08,396 - Good! - We're on to rhino porn now. 434 00:18:08,397 --> 00:18:09,486 - What? - All you gotta do 435 00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:11,506 is strap a dildo to your head 436 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,496 and peg each other in a mud puddle. 437 00:18:13,497 --> 00:18:15,416 - That's gross, man! - It's not that bad. 438 00:18:15,417 --> 00:18:16,724 That is bad, Clyde. 439 00:18:16,749 --> 00:18:17,979 Doesn't get much worse than that. 440 00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:20,179 Listen, Saul, we're trying to tell you 441 00:18:20,204 --> 00:18:22,233 that you are the father of Cindy's daughter. 442 00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,878 - You're Jane's dad. - Really? 443 00:18:24,879 --> 00:18:25,988 - Yeah. - Yes. 444 00:18:25,990 --> 00:18:27,023 Hey, can I have one of these dick candies? 445 00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:27,809 Yeah, help yourself. 446 00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:30,892 So, basically, we tested this pen, which had your DNA on it, 447 00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,703 - and it was a match. - Well, that makes sense. 448 00:18:34,037 --> 00:18:36,046 I always give my clients a warm-up fuck. 449 00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,684 Huh. That information might've been useful 450 00:18:38,709 --> 00:18:40,873 - about a week ago. - Listen, the warm-up fuck, 451 00:18:40,898 --> 00:18:42,917 it is standard practice in our industry. 452 00:18:44,768 --> 00:18:46,857 - I have a daughter? - Yes, you do, 453 00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,777 and she is marrying a very, very nice, 454 00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:50,837 - very quiet guy. - That little prick 455 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,813 didn't ask for my blessing! 456 00:18:51,814 --> 00:18:54,374 Saul, you're getting caught up in the wrong details, man! 457 00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:55,740 You have a daughter who is waiting 458 00:18:55,765 --> 00:18:57,529 for you to walk her down the aisle right now. 459 00:18:57,530 --> 00:18:58,649 Wow. 460 00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:01,459 Is there anything special 461 00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:02,510 I have to wear to this wedding? 462 00:19:03,670 --> 00:19:06,609 As a matter of fact, there is. 463 00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:13,489 My God, you look beautiful. 464 00:19:13,490 --> 00:19:15,457 I think you have a future in film. 465 00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:18,599 The astronaut helmet was a really good idea. 466 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:19,669 Yeah, I think so. 467 00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:21,489 I still think he should be wearing it, 468 00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:22,589 but... 469 00:19:24,470 --> 00:19:26,469 My little baby girl looks so happy. 470 00:19:27,610 --> 00:19:30,439 Thank you so much for finding her father back. 471 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,619 I... 472 00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,489 it couldn't have been easy. 473 00:19:33,490 --> 00:19:36,449 Well, it was my pleasure, honestly. 474 00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:39,106 It just gives me so much joy helping somebody find their dad. 475 00:19:39,131 --> 00:19:40,528 I mean, I... I never knew my dad, 476 00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:42,183 but, you know, who knows? 477 00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:43,352 - Maybe one day I'll... - Listen, my light's here, 478 00:19:43,353 --> 00:19:45,232 so I'm just gonna... 479 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,583 Oh, right. Yeah. Of course. 480 00:19:50,343 --> 00:19:53,182 Oh, my God. 481 00:19:53,183 --> 00:19:55,272 Oh, my God, it's so beautiful. 482 00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:56,362 Oh! 483 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,192 Oh, it's finally happening! 484 00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:04,242 Oh! 485 00:20:04,243 --> 00:20:06,233 I'm coming! 486 00:20:09,213 --> 00:20:10,382 Oh, yes. 487 00:20:19,223 --> 00:20:22,252 Welcome back to the Daytona 500 Open. 488 00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,202 Check this out. 489 00:20:24,488 --> 00:20:26,173 A thousand clams. Making it rain. 490 00:20:26,198 --> 00:20:28,107 Shit. 491 00:20:28,108 --> 00:20:30,066 How do the hip-hoppers make it look so easy? 492 00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:31,581 They take the elastic off first. 493 00:20:31,582 --> 00:20:33,651 Listen, we made a lot of money on this last job, 494 00:20:33,652 --> 00:20:35,571 but with all our expenses, 495 00:20:35,572 --> 00:20:36,771 we didn't net quite as much as we had hoped. 496 00:20:36,772 --> 00:20:39,102 Okay, well, how much did we make? 497 00:20:40,702 --> 00:20:44,621 - Negative 40 grand. - What?! Holy shit! How?! 498 00:20:44,622 --> 00:20:47,233 I mean, I guess we didn't need to fly to China first class. 499 00:20:47,258 --> 00:20:48,793 And travel like garbage people? 500 00:20:48,794 --> 00:20:50,743 Absolutely not. Look, 501 00:20:50,744 --> 00:20:52,773 we both understand that you need to spend money to make money. 502 00:20:52,774 --> 00:20:54,633 - We're gonna be fine. - Yeah, I'm starting to think 503 00:20:54,634 --> 00:20:55,763 that might be a flawed theory. 504 00:20:55,764 --> 00:20:58,184 No. No, it is not. Just look at this TV, okay? 505 00:20:58,185 --> 00:20:59,366 - See that guy? - Yeah. 506 00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:02,045 That's Danny Poker, all right? He spent $10,000 507 00:21:02,070 --> 00:21:03,989 to enter this tourney just for a chance 508 00:21:03,990 --> 00:21:05,069 to win a million bucks. 509 00:21:05,070 --> 00:21:07,079 That guy spends money to make money 510 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,979 - and he always wins. - Huh. 511 00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:10,919 - All right... - That's pretty cool, I guess. 512 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,039 - He's about to make a move. - Wow! 513 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,939 Danny Poker is being taken all-in. 514 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:18,069 Will he call or will he fold? 515 00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:20,079 Oh, there it is, folks... 516 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,238 Danny's patented death stare 517 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,289 where he reads his opponent like a book. 518 00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:37,348 Call. 519 00:21:37,349 --> 00:21:39,378 Holy shit. 520 00:21:39,379 --> 00:21:42,288 - Intense, right? - Oh, my God! 521 00:21:42,289 --> 00:21:44,529 He did it! He won! 522 00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:46,278 Danny Poker did it again! 523 00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:49,966 Can you believe that he called with a 7-2 off-suit? 524 00:21:50,402 --> 00:21:52,762 It's like he knew his opponent's cards. 525 00:21:52,796 --> 00:21:54,855 Little, tiny paper dicks in your mouth. 526 00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:57,037 How's it feel? How's it feel? How's it feel? 527 00:21:57,062 --> 00:21:59,061 Now that's how you make it rain. 528 00:22:05,986 --> 00:22:10,986 - Synced and corrected by hawken45 - - www.addic7ed.com - 37634

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