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Crowd: Pio! Pio!

Pio! Pio!

Ciao, Rome!

Ciao, world!

Ciao!

What have we forgotten?

What have we forgotten?

We have forgotten you!

Let me be very clear.

I am here for one very simple reason.

To not forget anyone.

God does not leave anyone behind.

That is what he told me
when I decided to serve him.

And it is what I say to you now.

Iserve god.

Iserve you.

We have forgotten

the women and children,

who will change this world
with their love and their kindness

and with their marvelous,
divine disposition, to play.

Whoo!

Play is the only authentic means we have

to make us feel in Harmony with life.

And to be in Harmony with god,

we have to be in Harmony with life.

We don't have a choice.

We must be in Harmony with god.

And what else have we forgotten?

We have forgotten to masturbate.

To use contraceptives.

To get abortions,

to celebrate gay marriages.

To allow priests to love each other
and even to get married.

We have forgotten that we can decide to die
if you detest living.

We have forgotten to have sexual relations

for purposes other than procreation

without feeling guilty!

- Help!

Help!

To divorce, to let nuns say mass.

To make babies in all the ways
science has discovered

and will continue to discover.

In short, my dear, dear children...

Not only have we forgotten to play,

we have forgotten to be happy.

And there is only one road
that leads to happiness.

And that road is called freedom.

Sancti apostoli
petrus et paulus,

de quorum potestate
et auctoritate confidimus...

Voiello: What are you saying? Lenny?

What's all of this nonsense?

You are not the pope, Lenny.

I am the pope.

I'm the pope, and you, Lenny,

are no longer a member of the church.

You are done with god, Lenny.

What do you mean "done"?

I just barely got started with god.

Spencer: Who are you, Lenny?

Lenny: I'm a contradiction.

Like god.

One in three and three in one.

Like Mary, virgin and mother.

Like man, good and evil.

- The papacy of pius xiii starts today.

The cardinals are still in the Vatican.

They'll leave Rome only after
the first homily of the new pope.

Lenny: I am the pope.

I am the pope.

Not knowing your tastes, your holiness,

we took a Liberty of
preparing a little of everything.

Didn't anyone tell you I don't eat much?

Hardly anything, in fact.

All I have in the morning
is a cherry coke zero.

We will get some right away.

- What's your name?
- Domen, your holiness.

I am your holiness' majordomo.

Do you know what "domen" means?

- "One who belongs to god."
- Precisely.

So, by transitive property,

you belong to me.

How did you sleep, your holiness?

I had an amusing dream.

Cardinal ozolins and cardinal aguirre
were slapping each other,

and I said the most outrageous things
to the crowd in Saint Peter's square.

Well, then, I'll wait here
for my cherry coke zero.

In the meantime, would your holiness
care for a regular diet coke?

Oh, let's not utter heresies, domen.

It's death to settle for things in life.

Domen: Holy father, while you wait,

may I present sister bice, from nepi,

in the delightful province of lazio.

She will be your personal cook.

Sister bice also served the three pontiffs
who came before you.

When she was young,
she was a missionary in India,

and fortunately for us,
she speaks a good English.

Well, my sweet and holy father,

now, what is it you would like
to have for your lunch?

You just tell your bice what you want,
and I'll prepare it for you.

Matriciana, pasta e fagioli,

carbonara, lasagne...

Am I mistaken? Did she say "my sweet"?

Your holiness, sister
bice is rather quaint.

No, domen, she's not quaint.

She's friendly.

Mother.

Let me explain something to you
that you, in your long life,

have not yet had occasion to understand.

Friendly relationships are dangerous.

They lend themselves to ambiguities,
misunderstandings, and conflicts,

and they always end badly.

Formal relationships, on the other hand,

are as clear as spring water.

Their rules are carved in stone.

There's no risk of being misunderstood,
and they last forever.

Now, you need to know.

I do not appreciate friendly relationships.

But I'm a great admirer of formal ones.

Where there are formal relationships,

there are rites, and where there are rites,

the earth order reigns.

Your holiness,

his eminence the
cardinal secretary of state

and the prefects of the
various congregations

can't wait to make your acquaintance
and to welcome you.

Well, they're gonna have to.

Because, first I have to drink
my cherry coke zero.

- May god, who has enlightened
every heart, help you

to know your sins and trust in his mercy.

- Your sins, voiello?
- Tommasino, don't waste my time.

My sins have to do with high finance
and diplomacy.

Even if I were to confess them,
you wouldn't understand a thing.

- So confess those I can understand.

- I've had impure thoughts.

- About whom?

- About the Venus of willendorf.

- Who's she?

- The paleolithic statue the pope
keeps in his library.

It's 25,000 years-old.

- Impure and gerontophilic thoughts
about a statue...

What sort of penance can I assign for that?

You're making things
difficult for me, voiello.

- You think about it and let me know.

I'm in a hurry.

Look, guys. The holy
spirit is blowing away.

Speaking of the holy spirit,
what do you think?

Did he illumine the cardinals?

The na'iveté of you
africans is really touching.

Do you really believe that
the holy spirit elects the pope?

We africans, no.

But, we catholics, yes.
That is what we believe.

Don't you, ozolins?

Well, the holy spirit is not stupid

but he's ironic and cunning.

I don't understand.

What he's trying to tell you
is that here, in the Vatican,

the holy spirit is
just another name for voiello.

Belardo is 47 years old.

That's young.

Which means we won't live
to see another pope.

- How sad.
- Caltanissetta.

It's already a miracle

that you have lived long enough
to see this one.

I'm not so sure

that voiello has shown
good leadership this time.

I have never really
trusted voiello, myself.

He's the devil incarnate.

Spencer would have been the right choice.

Far too independent,

and that wouldn't have been
good news for us cardinals.

Caltanissetta: True.

But, all we have in exchange
is a telegenic puppet.

And that means that he can be manipulated.

This is a masterpiece
of voiello's diplomatic cunning,

the way he shepherded
the cardinals' votes to belardo.

Now belardo holds office,

but voiello is pulling the strings.

And he'll run things the way we tell him,

because, once again,

we saved his life.

I may be African, and I may be naive,

but if you ask me,
you are simplifying the future

to an unhealthy degree.

I am in agreement with
our African colleague.

What do you mean by that?

That you have forgotten

to ask one fundamental question.

What's Spencer going to do now

that his beloved, detested protege

has become pope?

Man: What I really want to know is...

Do you feel that you have more freedom?

Are you treated more like a human being?

Lenny: "My god, my god,

"why have you forsaken me?"

Said Jesus before he was about to die.

Which is what I say to you now,
before I begin to live.

God's infinite silence...

God's infinite silence...

God's infinite silence...

Tommaso: Your holiness...

Your sins.

Lenny: I don't have any sins to confess.

Are you serious?

My only sin,

and it's an enormous one,

is that my conscience
does not accuse me of anything.

Ego te absolvo peccatis tuis

in nomine patris et filii
et spiritus sancti.

Amen.

If I always heard confessions
like yours, your holiness,

I'd be out of a job.

How many confessions do you hear
in the Vatican, Don tommaso?

Tommaso: Me?

The entire curia,

a good number of nuns and priests,

as well as several lay employees
who work in Vatican City.

How old are you?

Sixty-one.

How's your eyesight?

I don't even wear glasses.

And your hearing?

My only problem is my hair, your holiness.

You mean it's falling out?

Not only that.

Sometimes it hurts.

Your hair hurts?

Good, very good.

I'll be frank, Don tommaso. I need you.

You must do something very important

for the eminency of your pontiff.

Whatever you wish, holy father. Tell me.

Come then, I'll tell
you in the confessional.

Confessional booths are so beautiful.

They look like little mountain huts.

Do you like the mountains?

I... I don't like the snow.

Here's what I want you to do.

- Behold the Naples Trinity.

- Federico.
- Your eminence.

- Do you know how many books
have been written about me?

- Seventeen.
- Eighteen.

The last one's going to press next week,

and it's got the best title of all.

- Which is?
- The man behind the scenes.

- Beautiful!
- Of course, I suggested it myself.

- Who wrote it?
- Manna, that leftist reporter.

- That means it's going to be critical
of you, your eminence.

- Of course, those are the best.

They turn you into a legend.

Don't overdo it now, or people
will know you're faking it.

- Forgive me, eminence,
but that was a good one.

- You should laugh, but in proportion.

Valente.

His holiness?

- He's at the heliport.

- He just got here,
and he already wants to leave?

Now you could have laughed a little more.

- He sent me to tell you he'll be a
bit late for your meeting, eminence.

- Okay, but if you see him,
tell him not to be too late,

because I, unlike him, have a lot to do.

I've got to steer this boat, which
that indecisive fisherman Peter left me.

Valente.

What do you make of him?

- He's a man of little appetite.

Actually...

Very little.

- This is not a good sign.

Not a good sign.

Don't ever call me "ma."

Call me "sister Mary."

What's that?

My father gave it to me.

You can give it to me if you like.

I'll hold onto it for you.

No, my father said that
I should always keep it with me.

Lenny.

Sister Mary.

Here you are, my Saint.

No, I'm not a Saint.

Yes.

Do you still have it on you?

Oh.

Always.

Sister Mary: What's this?

A replica of the grotto
of our lady of lourdes.

It's being restored.

From now on, you're gonna be living
at the exact center of the church.

Sister Mary: But, I don't understand.
What does that mean?

That means that just now,

the center of the church
took a few steps back.

Lenny: Do you like the apartment?

I'll bejust fine here.

You're only a few feet away from me.

On the plane,
I read this amusing description of Rome.

"A suburb of Vatican City."

Well, that's not exactly true.

But it will be.

What's wrong, Lenny?

What's not wrong, sister Mary?

North is that way.

Where venice is.

Listen to me, Lenny.

Starting today, you
have to lead the church.

One billion people.

One-fifth of the world's population.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Lenny?

One billion people will depend
on what you say and do.

They will make important decisions.

Happy or sad, of life or death,

in order to obey you in the name of god.

All of this creates a new perspective.

An immense perspective.

Now, your personal aches,

your enormous sufferings,

your terrible memories...

It's a harsh thing to say, Lenny,
but I have to say it.

They must take a backseat.

They are things of this earth.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Lenny?

I know all your sorrows.

I've lived with them together with you.

I've wept over them with you.

But now the time has come
for you to let your sorrows fade.

To become irrelevant, distant memories,

insignificant, vanquished,
destroyed, and overpowered

by the terrible responsibility
that god has given you.

From now on,
you are no longer Lenny belardo,

the fatherless, motherless boy.

From now on,

you are pope pius xiii,

father and mother

of the entire catholic church.

Allow me to say, your holiness,

what joy, what joy.

The holy spirit could not have
illumined us in a better manner.

In the name of the entire church, welcome.

May your pontificate
be long, radiant, and fruitful.

Let's settle for "long."

What a telling joke.

Jokes are never telling. They're jokes.

Well, holy father, first of all,

a small piece of information
of a practical and picturesque nature.

Under your desk, on the right,
you will find a button.

If you feel that an encounter
is becoming disagreeable

or a waste of time,

all you have to do is
to press it discreetly,

and an assistant will
swiftly appear with some excuse,

liberating you from your engagement.

He'll lie, in other words.

Yes, but he'll have plenty
of time and opportunity to repent.

Well, holy father, if you agree,

I would like to start
with our top priorities.

The most urgent of them all

is your first homily in
Saint Peter's square.

There is a great deal
of agitation about it,

something which I, in my long career,

have never quite seen before.

The entire office of the secretary
of the state is working on it.

I myself worked

all night long on a rough draft,

which I would like to submit to you.

The press and the faithful
who are coming here

from every corner of the globe
were all convinced

that you were going to
deliver your homily today.

We did an excellentjob
at calming their spirits.

But, at the same time, your holiness,

I am sorry to say that
we can only delay for so long.

Tomorrow would be ideal.

There, this is the most pressing issue.

The most pressing issue is my need
for a cup of American coffee.

Would you make me one, your eminence?

Certainly.

Amatucci.

I didn't ask him.

I asked you.

It will be a pleasure and an honor
for me to bring you coffee, your holiness.

Thank you, your eminence.

It's my duty, blessed father.

Holy father, now, about your homily,

how would we like to proceed, then?

Lenny: Later.

Voiello: And has the holy father

already thought of some candidates for
the delicate role of a special assistant?

- I have an idea.
- I do, too.

Monsignor gemelli comes to mind.

My idea is sister Mary.

An admirable idea, your holiness,

and completely understandable.

Allow me to add,
however, that unfortunately,

the curia has complex mechanisms

which might seem like astrophysics.

Therefore, the holy father's
inevitable lack of experience,

together with sister Mary's
inevitable lack of experience,

would lead me to suggest
an internal contribution.

Of course, I realize how central
sister Mary seems to you.

We could invent a sort
of ad hoc role for her.

We don't lack for imagination around here.

Yeah.

You're exactly right, voiello.

She's central.

Sister Mary took me in at her orphanage
when I was seven years old.

She raised me and she loved me.
She made me a good Christian.

A great Christian!

Monsignor gemelli is experienced.

I would rely on him.

Perhaps you didn't hear me correctly.

Perhaps, holy father.

My English does have its limits.

You'd better improve it, then.

Sister Mary will be my special assistant.

As you wish, holy father.

Then, of course, there is the matter

of drafting and delivering your address

to the college of cardinals.

They are all still here.

They will not leave the Vatican
until you address them.

Later.

In the office of the secretary,

we have been wondering
if the holy father would care

to provide us with some indications

regarding the draft of an encyclical.

Later.

The prefects of the various congregations

are, of course, eager to see you
with their own eyes.

But I imagine that you would like
to deal with this matter later.

No, now.

First off, I want to meet the prefect
for the congregation of the clergy.

At any rate, holy father,

I understand your reluctance
about the encyclical.

Your predecessor always made me laugh

when he said that an encyclical is like

proust's in search of lost time.

"Everyone quotes it, but no one reads it."

Are you sleeping, holy father?

No, your eminence, I'm praying.

Foryou.

Stop looking at the Venus of willendorf
in that way.

Holy father, holy father!

Smoking is not allowed in the papal palace.

Is that so?

Who decided that?

John Paul ii.

- The pope?
- Yes, the pope.

There's a new pope now.

True.

- Your eminence...
- Voiello: Yes, holy father?

You're too tied to the past.

They say the same thing
about you, your holiness.

The past is an enormous place
with all sorts of things inside.

Not so with the present.

The present is merely a narrow opening,
with room for only one pair of eyes.

Mine.

Your eminence.

Yes?

Our top priorities.

Here I am. As I was saying...

You will be in charge of politics, finance,

theology, appointments, and promotions.

I will take care of worldly matters, travel,
adulation of the masses, celebrations.

A most effective division
of roles, holy father.

Your eminence?

Yes, blessed father?

I was just kidding.

That wasn't obvious?

Hardly.

So, as I was saying,

our top priorities are...

One, the radio Vatican signal
needs boosting.

It's unacceptable the reception is so poor.

Two, the pope wants to see
all the gifts the pope receives.

Have a storage facility fitted out
for storing all the gifts I receive.

Three, the Vatican must
immediately buy back

the papal tiara from
the basilica in Washington, DC,

which my predecessors,
who favored sobriety over tradition,

imprudently let go.

And four...

Sister Mary will also look after you.

She will oversee all your activities
and report directly back to me.

She'll be your guardian angel.

I am 60 years old, holy father.

I don't need a guardian angel.

Oh, we all need a guardian angel, voiello.

Especially unscrupulous, ambiguous men.

Then please,
allow me to choose mine myself.

In another life.

In this life, the pope chooses
your guardian angel for you.

And he is the pope.

Did you call for me, holy father?

- Pope!

Lenny: It all comes back
to this in the end, doesn't it?

To the mother.

What was your mother like,
monsignor Gutierrez?

She was a woman
who did not scorn wickedness.

It had the effect of
creating a son full of goodness.

I inquired about you.

Everyone tells me you are
a shining example of goodness.

I thank you for believing
them, holy father.

It is I who should thank you

for allowing me to be here
without hordes of tourists.

It's my duty, holy father.

Was it hard, close off
the basilica to tourists?

No, no, all we had to do was hang up a sign
saying "closed."

I will never shed my aversion to tourists.

Why is that, holy father?

Because they are just passing through.

Lenny: I was late
because I couldn't find your office.

Gutierrez: I know,
and you opened the wrong door

and found yourself face-to-face
with some visitors to our museum.

Lenny: So, you've been
inquiring about me, too.

It's very difficult to keep anything secret
here in the Vatican.

Rumors fly so quickly
that sometimes they arrive

even before the event has taken place.

That's quite a useful piece
of information for my future.

Which is exactly
what it was intended to be, holy father.

Ah, what is one to do, monsignor?

It's the times.

In america, we call it "gossip".

Here in the Vatican, we call it "calumny".

This way.

Lenny: How many years
have you been at the Vatican?

Gutierrez: So many
that I've stopped counting.

Lenny: Do you like it here?

Gutierrez: Yes, I feel safe here.

It's as if time were dead.

Speaking of that time, the other day,

during the conclave,
I read an Italian newspaper.

It was an article about this politician.

He had hidden some compromising files

in the gaps between the walls of his house.

Yes, I read about that as well.

I thought...

Gutierrez: Hmm?

I wouldn't need to hide anything
in the gaps in my house.

Because my mind is a gap.

And everything that is hidden from me,

sooner or later,

is revealed.

Lenny: As if it were being entrusted to me.

A precious skill for leading the church.

It's not a skill, Gutierrez.

It's my destiny.

- Federico, do you know why
all the good souls of this world

rage against power?

- Why, your eminence?

- Because they simply
don't know what it is.

- What is it?

- Power is knowledge.

- What is it you want to know, eminence?

- Who is pius xiii?

Or rather, who was Lenny belardo?

You need to carry out a small
investigation, discreet but thorough.

His weak spots,
his trials and tribulations, his sins.

Especially his sins.

Because the sins we commit in the past are
the same ones we'll commit in the future.

Because man is like god:

He never changes.

- I'll start right in.

But is the situation of this papacy
already that serious?

- No, not yet.

But if it were to become so,

we'll be ready.

Because the powerful may have knowledge,

but they don't realize what it takes
to be more powerful than everyone else.

- And what does it take?

See how beautiful it is?

- It takes getting knowledge
before anyone else does.

Fabulous.

Go on, tommaso. Don't be afraid.

But...
Violating the secret of the confessional...

No, no, it's not,
not if the information is intended for me,

the pontiff,
and is for the survival of our church.

Don't disappoint me, tommaso.

Your holiness, I'm just
a poor, simple priest,

and the secret of the confessional

is the only respectable thing I have.

Today. But think of tomorrow.

Scarlet robes and the
ring are in your future.

The cardinalship, my dear.

Which is much more respectable.

What if someone hears us?

Only he can hear us up here.

Tommaso: Who knows where he is?

There. By the big Dipper.

That's where god's house is.

God's house.

What's it like?

Half of a duplex,

with a private swimming pool.

Come on, now, tell me people's sins.

Well... have I already told you

about voiello's impure thoughts
about the Venus of willendorf?

Yes, yes, you told me already.

- What else?
- Yes.

No, nothing.

Lenny: Hmm?

Cardinal aguirre did
an imitation of you today, your holiness.

Everyone laughed.

Did you laugh?

Yes, but to myself. So, no one noticed.

Good. What else?

Everybody is wondering
who sister Mary is to you,

what she's doing here.

What else?

Everybody is also wondering,

"is the pope thinking
about his first homily?"

I ask myself the same thing all the time.

Of course I'm thinking about it.

It's all I think about.

I even dreamed about it.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

Ever since I was little,
I've learned to confound

people's ideas of what's
going on in my head.

You're so wise, holy father.

Mmm.

Not only that.

I'm also intransigent,

irritable,

vindictive,

and I have a prodigious memory.

And now I want to make my confession.

Oh, fine. Let's go back downstairs...

No. Here.

Before the house of god.

Oh. Okay.

In nomine patris et filii
et spiritus sancti.

God, my conscience does not accuse me,

because you do not believe
I am capable of repenting.

And therefore, I do not believe in you.

I don't believe you're capable
of saving me from myself.

Holy father, what are you saying?

I'm saying that
I don't believe in god, tommaso.

What are you saying, blessed father?

Tommaso, tommaso.

I was joking.