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(rain pouring)

I don't believe in open relationships.

If it's called a relationship, then it's not open.

How can you be dating someone and then

fucking around with some other one?

- How are love and sex

with someone else connected?

Well. .

- I mean, are you trying to tell me that if I love you

and I go and have sex

with another person, I don't love you?

How do you describe loving someone then?

(she clears her throat)

(soft music)

[Dhruv] Yeah, I'm scared of monogamy.

Just as anyone is scared of going to jail.

Of having their physical freedom curtailed, having my sexual and

emotional freedom curtailed scares me, yes.

Why is it that I'm asking this question?

Why is it that I have this fear?

So why am I so promiscuous?

[Dr. Barash] Sexual attraction and excitation is a mechanism,

it's a trick, really.

Not necessarily a bad trick, but it's certainly a trick,

whereby evolution gets us to do those things

and contribute to our success and more precisely,

the success of our genes.

(kissing noises) (cymbals)

Huh?

Even as individuals may be inclined to engage in other

sexual relationships for their own reproductive benefit,

not that they're thinking of it for reproductive benefit,

they may be simply attracted to the concept without even knowing

that their genes have another agenda.

I think people need to realize that if they feel a biologically

mandated inclination to be interested in

a sexual relationship with someone else,

that doesn't mean that they don't love their partner.

It doesn't mean that they're not good people.

It doesn't mean they're somehow inhuman.

Quite the opposite. It may mean that they're very, very human.

Then you have to decide what you want to do about it.

(soft music)

[Dr. Ray]In an open environment that hunter gatherers lived in,

there's no way to control somebody's sexuality.

So how do you stay monogamous?

Thhe woman is supplying 60-70% of the calories,

for the family, that's a pretty big contribution.

The man is off hunting protein with other men.

Then she's got a lot of freedom.

- [Dr. Ryan] When women have direct access to the food,

the security, the healthcare and so on

that they need, what you find is

women who are autonomous, happy, have a very high status

in terms of their political decision making power,

and who are very free sexually.

[Dr. Ray] This idea that hunter gatherers could be monogamous is

kind of laughable on the face of it.

Until the societies become pastoral,

herders, or farmers.

Then things really start changing.

(phone rings)

[Dhruv] Hey Ma!

- How are you? Can you see me?

No. . I can't.

- Okay now?

Choose front camera.

- Now! (laughs)

I got a call from somebody saying look. .

you have an eligible son, she has an eligible daughter.

So, I can get both these girls to come up

around that time and you can meet them both.

- Isn't it a bit of a long shot to be calling them

out there to meet me while I'm in a relationship?

- So that's what you need to tell us,

that if you're in a relationship,

are you in a serious relationship?

- Well I can't say if it's serious or not yet

but it's definitely not at that point where

I'm just like, oh yeah this is just a. . fling thing.

I had a chat with her as well,

just to get an idea of where she is.

I'm not going to. . sort of be two faced about this.

- So, think about it and let me know

and then I can tell these parents.

I don't know where you're going with Hannah.

You know you also have to think about your future,

you have to think about settling down.

- Ma, do you really think I'm that

old school arranged marriage type?

- Ok then. Then I will. . Just. .

say to them that uh. .

- Yeah, just tell the truth.

That he's seeing someone right now.

- No I won't say anything about seeing someone.

- No you must! The truth is the best thing.

So have you ever cheated on any of your boyfriends?

Nope.

I'm a good girl.

That's why, like you know what, in a relationship

I am patient.

I am good.

I don't do bad things.

When I walk out of your life, it's your fault, not my fault

I have no regret when I actually walk out of someone's life.

And yeah sometimes I look at you and I say. .

I don't know why.

- Why what?

I don't know why I. .

with you and stuff. I was like, that's so weird.

You don't expect the person to be

with you forever but at the moment. .

Whatever's mine is mine.

(sirens in distance)

[Dhruv]After we had the first discussion,

Hang did make it clear that. .

she doesn't believe in open relationships,

and I responded to that by saying,

"Well. . that I'll respect that, and I won't do it then. "

After that period,

I felt that, "Okay, I think

this relationship has also got its shelf life, then. "

And then Hang opened up

the discussion again a few months later,

and suggested we go to a swinger's club.

- You know, I've been thinking. . a lot.

So. . how to find the best way. .

to make me feel comfortable.

What did you Google?

Vancouver swinger club.

- What?

Vancouver swinger club.

Have you ever done this with any of your other boyfriends?

(she shakes her head)

Not even think about it.

- Don't you think you'd get jealous

seeing me with someone else?

- No, before I did, before I got really jealous.

But no, not anymore.

Well, I will get jealous. .

If there's some secrets out there.

(tense music)

But if there's no secret then there's no jealous.

I love watching.

(indistinct chatter) - Should we do it baby?

(club music)

Yeah you just need to sign in.

(kissing noises)

I think about the other couple and they were. .

they are together for 14 years,

and I think that is really amazing.

And how they maintain their relationship.

And how they have fun!

So I think, maybe you just accept. .

the reality, you cannot expect. .

the person to be with you

the rest of their life without

like having fun outside.

And you talk about monogamy. .

I think if you have a little fun outside of that area,

it makes monogamy more bearable. . is it?

But. .

It doesn't mean that you go fuck around like that. .

- I know. I know. It just- It just-

It means I don't feel trapped any more.

It just means that if it happens, I don't have to

go into major fucking depression and guilt and. .

and start tearing my life apart about it.

And tearing yours.

(phone rings)

- Happy birthday with love from your mummy!

- Thank you, Ma. Thank you.

Thirty three huh!

Three and three is thirty three!

(music plays over speakers)

- The discussion is going on

about the date for Dash's marriage.

- Hm.

- We're talking basically of the winter, this coming winter.

- Ok.

- Ok.

- Hang says that she is willing to do make-up and hair.

- Oh that's so sweet!

- She's good. Doing good. How is your girlfriend?

- Where is she?

- Uh. . she's uh. . in the kitchen.

She stayed over last night.

- So she's living with you?

- Yeah. . for 4 or 5 days in the week.

- So this means that you've become a couple?

- Yeah.

- So if that's the case then make a decision and get married.

Get married along with your brother.

- Why?

No, no. We'll talk about all this when I get there.

You guys can explain all to me why we should get married.

And then you can. . compare me to my brother.

Who's made the good choice in life.

(indistinct)

So did Dad turn up with a card or flowers then?

- Nothing. . utterly shameless.

Did you get anything?

- No why should I get him? He should get me.

Listen to me Dhruv. . Ok!

Four years ago he let me down very badly.

And he promised to make things ok.

And he hasn't made things ok.

The only way to make things ok is to pamper me, to spoil me.

Two days in the year is not a very big thing to ask for.

(grunts)

No, when I get there we'll talk.

Let me just get there and talk.

- Bye! - Bye, see ya. - Ok. - Ok jee.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- A few weeks earlier, Hang had got out on a date

with a guy that she met while I was out of town, and. .

on this night I was alone at home

wondering if she was out with him again.

And yeah, I mean I was jealous, but

I never stopped her from seeing him.

And I was actually more worried that by leaving the door open in

the relationship, she would find a monogamous man

and eventually leave me.

And meanwhile, I began to text a girl that I was intimate with

during my last trip to Dubai.

But Hang had asked me for the password

to my computer and my phone and. .

I gave it to her in the spirit of being honest

and open within the relationship.

(quiet music)

- What did you find that was sexual in my mails to her?

I read a while ago, a long time, I don't know. .

You want to look at her brown breasts.

- I always joke about that with her.

And she's been teasing you with those

kinds of frickin' pictures. - No! She never. .

Babe, I know her, she'll never send it.

Did you see anything?

Yeah I saw, she's been teasing you, that's why.

- You talk about it and. . You said I can do what I want.

But can I? I can't even write emails, based on your. .

And to be honest there's no woman in the world

that actually. .

just, yeah baby go have sex with her. No!

(suitcase zipping)

(suitcases clattering)

(kissing noises)

Have a safe flight baby.

- I love you. - Love you too.

(she sighs)

(soft music)

(greeting)

(dogs barking) Hi.

Mmh, hello.

(dogs barking)

Good to see you.

I was born in India,

and my parents moved to Dubai in 1980, just a year after.

And so I grew up there, under Sharia Law.

Magazines, or books, or just posters.

Anything which contained an image of a female body which

revealed shoulder, or the waistline,

or even the back of women's legs.

That used to be blackened out.

And I remember we would go into the bathroom

and we would hold up the pages to the tube lights

to try and penetrate that oppressive black ink.

I didn't even know what sex was until 13 or 14, really.

How it happened.

I was one of the few guys in my school who was

lucky to have a girlfriend, I mean. .

Many of my friends didn't lose their virginity

until much later.

I mean, I even lost it relatively late at 17,

but I'd started kissing

and hooking up with girls at around 14.

- Oh that's irritating!

Dhruv, you drink!

(chanting) - Drink, drink, drink!

(cheers)

I wanna say that, I wanna. .

I never wanna be ashamed of

anything I've done, my whole life.

I wanna be glad I've done it. . - Obviously Dhruv.

I wanna have no regrets in life.

Did you ever cheat on me?

- Um. .

I did.

Really?

Did something just happen to that camera?

(camera clanking)

Who?

When?

- It was. . this girl in Bombay.

Oh.

What did you do?

I slept with her.

Were we still together then?

Mm hmm. (Hannah gasps)

So maybe I should have been worried about you?

- And to be honest, I never even contemplated telling you.

Wow!

That would have killed me if I had

known that at the time, oh my God!

- It would, wouldn't it? - Oh my God!

- It would have messed with us. - Yeah. That's not. .

- And the last year we had together.

And me. And like, the way I thought about people and

that would have affected actually everything

past that point as well.

I do see a lot of change.

It's just maybe because we're meeting after a long time.

But you, yeah you're quite an asshole!

Just. . using them.

I thought you were a very terrible person, lying-

lying to them and doing things behind their back.

Because obviously you wouldn't be open about those things.

You can't be. They are not accepted, widely.

Widely over a certain section they

will not be accepted and you will. .

that will backfire and you know that.

So that's also the reason you don't commit because

then your conscience is clear.

So anything, tomorrow, if someone just says wife,

someone. .

one of the women, if she confronts

you about what you've been doing,

you have it safe by saying, but we're

not in a committed relationship.

So. . yeah.

So you've got that sorted out pretty well.

So. .

Technically you're correct.

Principally also you're correct.

But you on a basic human level, you know. .

I think that's incorrect.

[Deepak] Man throws wife from balcony.

(laughs)

Tossing, tossing. .

(both laugh)

You can't do with them, you can't do without them.

- So then why are you getting your son married?

(they laugh)

I know.

(he laughs)

One son is too smart.

(dance music)

- This is not working with the music. The beat is different.

- Ah ah ah!

So that we can start talking about it, but Dhruvy

seriously now when do you want to get married son?

and discussing it and. .

- We're talking about it now.

Planning it and finding a venue.

We'll do Langkawi.

Answer my question and leave the camera!

Leave it for some time!

(laughter)

- Listen to your nana!

Now tell me, we are really serious.

Serious in the sense that you have

to respond positively and tell us. .

when you are getting married?

The time is ripe. There won't be another chance.

- But why do people get married grandad?

- People marry to build the family legacy and lineage.

Name. Family name. Successors!

- Family tree.

- I can do that anyway. So what's the need for marriage?

- Your children born out of wedlock

And I hope you are not going to are called "harami" (bastards)

give birth to some harami (bastard) children.

- Daddy! What's wrong with you?

I'm just trying to explain why he should get married.

- Do you know what monogamy is?

Monotony?

- No, monogamy.

No, I don't know. Could you explain it to me.

So monogamy is the word where. .

which basically stipulates that. .

where you are sexually exclusive with one person only.

You are intimate only with one person.

I was not sure if I could be faithful to this vow.

For the rest of my life. With just one person.

I don't want to be sexually exclusive with just one woman.

Oh! You mean you cannot be one woman man.

Men. .

By nature. .

By nature, man is polygamous.

- The relationship that I'm trying to build

with my girlfriend is an open-ish relationship. .

Not that I, everyday, I'm with someone else. No.

But in a year, once or twice. .

If occasional departures from monogamy. .

Is what I felt would make me feel

comfortable with the idea of marrying them

and just being with one person.

But she doesn't know that you are going to the other.

- She does. - She does?

And she tolerates it?

- We are working it out, we are trying to. .

No. . That is my main question now.

If she accepts it. .

with happiness.

Without creating problems in day-to-day life.

Then she is the best woman.

Then she is the best woman.

And I will advise you. .

not to part with her.

Vice versa.

If you have a woman who tells you like that. .

"I want to be with another man tonight. "

"Would you allow me to do it?"

- I. . Now I would, I would allow Hang to do it

because I want the same thing in my life.

But it would take me a lot of time,

it would have taken me years to get

to this point to be able to. . say that-

No you can never.

You can never.

No man will tolerate. .

Flirting with some other, his wife. .

having an affair with someone.

No man can tolerate.

If any man knowingly tolerates it

and is fully aware of it,

Then he is not of manhood.

He is a pimp.

- Ok.

And if I told you that I wanted, I was ready to get married

and I was in a relationship, but the vow of sexual fidelity

might not be there in our marriage,

how would you react to that?

You know, it's your life and it's your decision,

but I would just advise you that Dhruv,

then you're asking for a lot of pain.

Sexual fidelity is a basic tenet of marriage.

You can't break that.

You can't.

You can't want to revolutionize marriage.

It's an institution.

(soft music)

(singing)

And in front of the fire goddess, you are taking

I accept you for all of my life. vow of your marriage.

As your wedded wife,

she has the right on your heart.

Don't allow anyone to enter.

(romantic music)

(taking vows)

(indistinct chatter)

(cheers)

(fireworks exploding)

- [Dhruv] The oldest marriage laws that I could find

dated back to about 2000 BCE.

They were found in Mesopotamia.

During these times, a father would marry his daughter

with these words.

"I pledge my daughter for the purpose of producing

legitimate offspring. "

Sexual monogamy for women was tied into the vows of marriage

so that men could be certain of who their children are.

Wait, so you're saying marriage is not meant to be about love?

(laughs)

No, for thousands of years,

marriage was not about love.

There were tremendous variations.

There were every kind of marriage from. .

one man, many women,

to one woman, several men, to monogamy,

to ghost marriages even.

But there were two things that marriages

through the ages had in common.

First, they were not about love and free choice.

They were about making alliances.

If you were in the upper classes, it was the way

you signed peace treaties, made military deals.

The middle classes, it was the way you made business mergers.

And in the lower class, it was the way

you expanded your family labor force.

It was not about love and free choice.

The second theme of marriage through the history was

that it was also about a way of controlling young people,

and especially controlling women.

The male obsession with controlling women's

reproductive lives, is an economic response

to agriculture.

Sexual monogamy became an issue when men had property

that they wanted to pass along to their sons, right?

That's when it becomes vitally important that you control your

woman's sex life, in order to make sure that no other man's

son is inheriting your property, your sheep, your house,

your land, whatever it is that you've spent

your life accumulating. Right?

That's why I say marriage and sexual monogamy

is an economic issue.

It's not biological, it's not human nature.

It's about preserving your fortune.

(soft music)

When people first adopted agriculture,

it made people sicker.

It put them in situations where they began fighting over land.

So when you have agriculture, you need to control land.

And then you need to find out, who gets that land

after the current occupant dies?

And you end up with inheritance.

And then, when you have inheritance,

you can have accumulation.

And so that accumulation over time,

if one group's accumulating, another group's not,

you can end up with big inequalities.

Some males are going to be sufficiently able to provide

a lifestyle or economic well being

for more than one wife, and so

there will be some females who will prefer to be a second or

third wife of a particularly

prestigious hunter or a good farmer,

rather than being the first wife of a not very good

hunter or a not very good farmer.

Most societies, 90% or so. .

More than 90%, like 98%,

constrain female sexuality in some way.

The societies that get most bent out of shape

about any deviations by the female,

sexually, are societies where

it's patrilineal, patrilocal.

The clan is important, there are ancestors to be attended to.

So the more patriarchal, patrilineal it is,

the more constraints there are on the female.

Because you've got to ensure the paternity,

and if you don't then. .

you don't ensure the lineage.

- So why do we have this double standard?

Because women always know

who their children are, and men don't.

There's this asymmetry in the biology

which gives rise to all this.

(soft music)

- [Dhruv] Human biology bestows women with eggs

and men with muscles.

Men eventually began to dominate most of the resources in

agricultural societies that were becoming more inclined towards

warfare and the expansion of territory,

to sustain growing populations.

(popping noises)

As the practice of hunting and gathering faded, women gradually

lost their skills as gatherers, and eventually became dependent

on wealthy men who demanded virgin brides to ensure them

certainty of paternity.

After marriage, women were expected to remain monogamous,

but men could take on as many wives or concubines

as they could afford.

(light music)

By the 15th century, in the Incas of South America,

each wealthy lord had a harem of up to 700 women.

Principal persons had 50 women.

Leaders of vassal nations were allowed 30.

Heads of provinces, 20.

Governors of 100 people had 8,

and chiefs were only allowed 3 women each.

The genes of poor men were systematically weeded out.

Meanwhile, in parts of Arabia, rich polygynous men spent lavish

evenings in harems, while their wives could be

stoned to death for infidelity.

In parts of South Asia, a woman's fidelity was of such

grave concern that it was considered honorable for a widow

to burn on her husband's funeral pyre,

so that her sexuality would not tempt other men.

(flames crackling) (woman screaming)

In China, wealthy men developed

an erotic preference for young women

whose feet had been broken and bound from an early age,

rendering them immobile and probably unable to act on any

promiscuous impulses.

In parts of polygynous Africa, the clitoris of young girls

would be cut out, and their labia sewn shut

to ensure their virginity,

while replacing the pleasure of sex with pain.

This brutal practice also reared its head in the United States,

and Europe as a way to suppress female libido.

And, in as recent as 1822,

a surgeon in Berlin cut out the clitoris

of a teenage girl, because she enjoyed masturbating frequently.

[Dr. Ryan] Jared Diamond said agriculture is the worst mistake

in the history of the human race,

and certainly from a woman's perspective.

It was a disaster.

(bell jingling)

(reading in foreign language)

- Deepak listen to me, you know. .

This your secretary should do, why am I doing it?

- Falcon Associates. .

- I mean no help I get from your office.

- Manju just leave it then! Just leave it!

You're not understanding!

Homai has to decide who we're inviting!

- No! Homai has been sent two lists.

- No. It's all. . unclear, - And she has to decide. .

- Unclear! There's nothing unclear!

- Open the mail! - Give clear instructions.

Open the mail and see what is unclear. .

- Ok it's unclear I'm saying.

- No! Open the mail, I want to see my covering mail.

- Ok, open. - No. . open the mail!

- Manju, I don't have the time.

- You can't make an accusation against me

because I don't write anything that's unclear.

- Ok, let's leave it.

- You're such an idiot really!

You know that's what you are.

- In this much time you would have finished it!

Because all you want to do is. . - You're not willing to admit. .

- Chew up my brains.

- Do you want to finish it or no?

- Ya!

- Falcon Associates.

Under that Emily Oman and Giselle. .

That's it.

I mean this is what your secretary had to do.

She had to look at this list and she had

to look at this list and see what's missing.

That's all and then she had to compile it together.

- What are you going to do with this? You've left those!

- You don't do anything yourself

and make me into a secretary.

It's not fair!

(object clatters)

- [Dhruv] How would you describe our parents' relationship?

Up, down, at best.

I don't think there is an ideal word, why?

I mean, like, kids go through it.

I mean, we went through

some pretty weird and bad shit, but. .

I guess some kids had it even worse.

Right?

- It definitely turned me off the idea of marriage,

you know, when I was growing up.

It really really had a big effect on me and. .

I'm amazed it didn't have that effect on you. .

And I just wonder is it. . what’s wrong with me?

No, I think you use it as a crutch.

Your parents smoked and drank, that didn't stop you or make you

averse to smoking or drinking, right?

- [Dhruv] Yeah! Yeah!

(dog panting)

Yeah!

(bird caws)

Come on Dukester! (phone rings)

[Dhruv] Hey!

[Hannah] I miss you baby.

Good morning! Here I am.

Someone sounds happy today huh?

Happy birthday my love.

(kissing sounds) Thank you baby.

I love you.

Go out for a coffee with him, I also. .

- No. No! - Why not?

- I don't want to. - Just do it.

- I don't like him.

Look at me, here I am forcing my girlfriend

to go out for a coffee with someone.

No it's just because I wanna feel, like I just wanna. .

- That guy. .

No, I don't like wasting my time on that guy especially.

- Ok, fine.

Dhruv, you would be ok if Hannah (Hang) was. .

had a physical encounter. You'd be ok?

- Well, I'm willing to accept it

if this is what I want in my own life.

No, it won't work.

I mean even at this age.

He's 64, he's old. I'm 62!

But if I see him chatting up a female

a little too long, I'm uncomfortable.

What is the definition of marriage, now

these things are not. .

carved in stone, they're not static.

Marriage cannot evolve

because marriage was. . - Not a. . not a marriage.

I'm saying the definition of marriage.

- It cannot evolve. . - The concept of marriage.

- It's never evolved, it hasn't.

People have tried to change it but it has not evolved.

- No, it has evolved. It has evolved.

There is no evolutionary process to marriage.

- If you go back 100 years in different societies. .

- You marry for one reason and that's procreation.

- . Take our society. - To procreate,

to build a family, to build a home, to build a life. .

to have a companion, to have children. . that's it!

And if you're going to get into

dillying-dallying and open relationships,

your kids are going to get fucked up,

and everything else is. .

You're going to fuck your lives up, frankly speaking.

- Sorry did you want to say something?

No, I was going to ask you.

That don't you have any sorts of things,

that you'd like to have a family, you'd like to. .

also have children who. . you know, you can. .

like we've enjoyed having you and your brother. .

Don't you have those thoughts?

- I do have those thoughts,

but I am still reconciling them.

Why do you think I should get married?

For the same reason I got married, for the same reason

that my father got married and the whole world.

I mean, in our lives we never questioned it now. .

- Monogamy is a vow in marriage.

Is that right?

I guess so, I guess so. .

- Because that's the only thing that scares

the shit out of me with it.

What percentage do you think are really. .

really live by that vow?

And the truth is, you know men, I mean

I don't know why men don't. .

but eventually. .

let's say. .

Minutes after a man has come,

the thought goes through, "What the fuck, was is it worth it?"

You know?

I'm telling you my own thing.

I've often said, "Listen I could have just masturbated. "

You know?

That's why I said man is inherently I think. .

Just made that way.

But I want to comment that,

I agree that, emotional monogamy,

emotional honesty, emotional. .

Is more important.

(soft music)

- [Dhruv] Casual sex at swinger clubs

wasn't really what I was looking for.

I needed deeper and more intimate connections with women

to enjoy the sex.

And while I was in Dubai, I slept with the girl

that I'd been texting.

So when I flew back to Vancouver, I had to tell Hang

because I couldn't lie to her.

Well I wasn't enjoying it because

I was just like, shit, I. .

know that this is. . this is something that

Hang will not like and. .

the reason I did it also was because. .

I didn't want to have it sitting in my head.

But. .

I'm sorry for doing it.

(Hang sniffs)

(sirens wailing)

Hm, Hang. .

Come on, talk to me. .

I give you that freedom and sometimes I wonder like. .

even though you have that freedom, but is it, like. .

should you just like. .

maybe I'll just keep my body for her or something like that.

Like, do you sometimes wonder like that?

Or are you just like, yeah I have that freedom,

I'll just go for it.

- This is my sexual needs.

This is about me, it's not about her.

It's about me.

Like, you're in a relationship with me.

I lie here at night watching porn most often,

trying to find different porn to stimulate

my mind because I'm just very sexually bored.

Sex life goes down it's not because

you're getting bored or anything,

it's because of so much drama in the relationship,

that it's actually torn the people apart.

(sobs)

(soft music)

(crying) Sometimes, don't you have a feeling that is like. .

"She is more special"?

- [Manjula] Sexual fidelity is a basic tenet of marriage.

- [Deepak] What percentage do you think are really. .

really live by that vow?

- [Manjula] You can't want to revolutionize marriage.

You know, it's your life, and it's your decision,

but I would just advise you that Dhruv,

that you're asking for a lot of pain.

(machine whirring)

(soft music)

- [Dr. Barash] What happened in the evolution, and again,

I use it as sort of "cultural evolution" of monogamy,

was essentially a trade off

where a wealthy, more powerful man agreed to forgo

some of their reproductive advantages in return for

a degree of social stability

on the part of men who would otherwise be really troublesome.

- One of the advantages that monogamous

marriage institutions have is that polygyny. .

because the richest men in the society take extra wives.

That leaves very few wives or no wives

for the poorest men in society.

You have a large number of men who essentially have no mates

for their entire lives.

So in the Middle Ages it became a kind of social movement

to have more males be able to get married, whereas in

a polygamous society, they couldn't.

So in many ways, one could say that monogamy was a force to

enable ordinary men, men who were say less than six feet tall

or a little bit overweight, or not exceptionally rich,

to have partners.

- [Dr. Barash] Really, the ones who gained by monogamy is

not so much the women but the men.

The men who would otherwise be excluded in a harem situation.

The first step on the road to egalitarianism in Europe

was the spread of monogamous marriage.

Because this was the first time that kings were

set on the same standard as everybody else.

So they could only have one wife and the poorest

guy in the community could only have one wife.

And of course, you know, the kings figured

out lots of ways to get around this

and lots of ways to try to beat the system, but the church was

this independent agent that kept pushing them.

- So it was really religion that. .

Yeah, it was religion.

And it's not just any religion.

It's specifically Catholic Christianity.

Well that's why the history of the West is so interesting,

because we actually see that.

So there's Jesuit missionaries who go to China,

and they've convinced one Chinese

emperor to convert to Christianity.

And he's just about ready to do his baptism,

and then he finds out about the monogamy thing.

And then he's like, "Whoa.

Cancel the plans for the baptism. "

And so he didn't become a Christian and Christianity

didn't spread, at that point in China.

Meanwhile in Europe they didn't have

a choice because the church was there.

And they were converting all the common people,

and they were delegitimizing the leaders' children,

and the Pope was writing letters

and century after century forced these guys to come into line,

because their sons couldn't inherit if they didn't.

- [Dhruv] Monogamy was recognized

for its egalitarian advantages

by the ancient Romans and the Greeks,

well before the birth of Christianity.

It's just that they were not very good

at practicing what they preached.

In 325 CE, monogamy was declared a law

in Christianity at the Council of Nicaea.

But it took the Catholic church another 400 years to convert

Europe from being polygynous to monogamous.

By the 7th century, most of Europe had abolished polygyny,

and as Christian values spread with colonialism

and the Westernization of the world,

other non-Islamic countries also began to outlaw polygyny.

(popping and booming noises)

(soft music)

However, married men could still sleep around

without much repercussion, right up until the 1960's.

(indistinct chatter)

But the second half of the 20th century

ushered in a new era of equal rights,

and the women's rights movement finally began to gain momentum.

- [Narrator] These marching people were not merely voters to

Franklin Roosevelt, they were human beings.

- [Dhruv] Women started to regain their independence

and demanded equal treatment on various fronts.

(Crowd chanting) Equal Pay!

I say "Equal" you say "Pay!"

- [Dhruv] The movement spread to other parts of the world,

and by the mid 1970s,

most democratic nations began to recognize

marriage as a legal union between two equal citizens.

Male infidelity now became firm grounds for divorce.

Laws were changed to make men liable to pay alimony

and child support, and both husband and wife

were now expected to remain monogamous.

- [Dr. Ryan] We came to a point in western society where

we had to choose either to. . allow women

to have the same freedom that men

had always enjoyed, which is yes, you've got your marriage,

you've got your family, but you can play around as long as

you're discreet and don't do anything

that's going to hurt the family.

Or, we force men into the same trap

that women had been in for thousands of years.

And in the 60's, it sort of split, and people went in two

different directions, but the society as a whole has sort of

moved towards saying, "No, men have

to follow the same rules that women have. .

been forced into for all this time. "

But that's what's lead us to this crisis

that we're at now with monogamy.

(soft music)

(train rumbling)

- [Dhruv] There's this huge breach that's taken place

with the Ashley Madison site.

Half the people on there are from the UN, White House,

Bank of America, and they've used all

their actual corporate email addresses.

See, some of this is Sony, people at Sony.

University of Texas.

This is Bank of America,

all the email addresses at Bank of America.

The Ashley Madison thing used to be,

life is short, have an affair.

Now people are saying it should be

life is short, get an attorney.

(Hang laughs)

- [Hang] Divorce lawyer.

- Hm?

(Dhruv laughs)

(indistinct)

- It's not like all the people. .

- This is all the places in the world

where they have Ashley Madison accounts.

- [Hannah] Wow. - [Dhruv] Yeah.

People try to defend it by saying, "People have affairs

because they want to keep their marriages going. "

(indistinct)

"I would cheat long before I would get a divorce, if you have

children that you love and a home that you built together and

a future that you planned, why would you

give that up just for sex?"

"The reason people have affairs

is that they want to stay married. "

Why do we get jealous? What is jealousy anyway?

Tell me the definition of jealousy.

- Definition? - Mmhm.

- The definition of jealousy, let's look it up.

(Hang laughs)

Jealousy.

"Showing suspicion of someone's

unfaithfulness in a relationship. "

So.

I don't think I've learned very much about non-monogamy.

I think I've learned a lot about monogamy.

(wind)

There's still a lot to learn about non monogamy.

- [Dr. Barash] I don't think it's possible to really

transcend sexual jealousy.

The notion of love, you know, "Spread the love around,

what could be bad about that?"

is itself very attractive, but there will be this gnawing sense

of sexual jealousy that's involved because

for millions and millions of years,

these two were not divorced.

Sexual behavior with someone else carried with it the risk of

either reproducing with that other person, or tending to

destabilize the preexisting relationship.

If someone after having a sexual relationship with someone else,

decides to choose that person in preference.

So I think that even if we could prevent. . even if we could. .

guarantee non reproduction, that would not end sexual jealousy.

It might diminish it a little bit.

Say, "Well at least he's not going

to have a kid with this lady. "

But the fact that he's having sex with her is going to be seen

as threatening to the woman, I think as long as we are

biological creatures, which is to say forever.

I think you're defining something

different than I am.

I don't agree with you.

I think you're talking about betrayal.

I think you're talking about cheating.

And I think the effects of being cheated on, whether it's cheated

in cards or cheated in money or cheated in

a real estate transaction, always hurts.

But if you're talking about a group of people who are not

already in committed relationships,

and they maybe want to have

multiple partners and they're doing it openly.

With the technology in place of protection if there is a baby,

and good contraception, then I think, I'm more optimistic than

you are that a free love scenario is possible

there with transparency.

- I agree. - Then I don't see a problem.

- Outside of a committed relationship,

there's not likely to be a problem.

But in a committed relationship, I think there would.

- Furthermore, the people I know

who are polyamorous,

we're friends, I'm friends with

a lady you should interview named

Dossie Easton, who is the author of a book

called the Ethical Slut.

And Dossie is a. . - Outside San Francisco.

- She's a 70 year old somewhat, bright red hair.

The most out-there person

I think in some ways I've ever met.

Ok. We got it rolling?

- Mm hmm.

Some people seem to think that a ring around

the finger will lead to a nerve block to the genitals,

and that they will never be turned on to anyone else

once somebody pledges their troth as it were.

And that's just plain not true.

Why do we lie about our desires?

We've been told it makes us a bad person.

We've been told that our desire for someone else

means we don't really love our partner.

And then what are you going to do with the kids, you know!

We've been told that we are a bad. .

that, you know, we're a sex addict,

we're compulsive, we can't do intimacy, whatever intimacy

we think we have in our partner isn't real intimacy.

Whatever love we think we share isn't real love,

this isn't true love, and I must not be the one.

Of course since for me, that would be about the thousandth,

this concept of the one looks pretty stupid.

But this is what our whole cultural mythology tells us.

Is it natural for humans to get jealous, to feel what they want,

to feel sad about that when they see someone else get it?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

But we teach children how to deal with sibling rivalry.

Sibling rivalry is natural.

Our parents only had so much time and so much energy

So sometimes, one of us got some and one of us didn't.

You know, it's not like that never happens.

But we expect to learn to deal with that kind of jealousy.

So why would we imagine that sexual jealousy is somehow so

vastly worse than any other kind of jealousy?

And that is the thing that I question.

(soft music)

♪ Oh my summer love ♪

♪ You're the only one that I dream of. . ♪

- [Dhruv] We'd heard of this conference taking place on

the future of monogamy and non monogamy, in California.

At Berkeley.

We went there, more as film makers than participants.

I mean, it was a good exercise to meet

people who are practicing it and. .

see whether we fit in.

- There's this assumption that

a monogamous one-on-one relationship

involves more intimacy because it's exclusive and whatnot.

Do you think that's true?

Do you think you experience anything different in poly. .

We do fall in love with our partners.

Like very much so.

I. . you know, I. .

I had a partner of 5 years who was very much someone I loved,

very deeply,

whom we were thinking about moving in with us.

Whom we were thinking about being

involved raising a family with.

Right? And that's. .

That's a pretty serious relationship

but it's not some. .

But I would not have left Pepper for this person.

But I wouldn't have left this person for Pepper either.

It's a very. .

The basic premise of polyamory is you don't have to leave

the person you're seeing, for the new person you're seeing.

Yeah.

- So let's say if you see Jen with someone else

having a great time, it doesn't, you don't feel. .

It doesn't stir you? That butterfly feeling?

It's weird, we have actually been in

situations where for example Jen has a date over

and they're having sex in the next room,

or sometimes in the same room, right?

And it doesn't stir me in any way.

I. .

grew up in a household with

an open relationship among my parents,

so I didn't have the parent model of jealousy.

Right. . I just didn't pick it up.

I get bad jealousy.

And it took me. .

it took me a couple of years to really get. .

To kind of deprogram some of that jealousy

so that it wasn't crippling.

(airplane flying overhead)

- [Shay] For me, jealousy comes from insecurity.

For different people it comes from different places.

For me, it almost entirely comes from insecurity.

With Stefanos, I feel completely secure, and therefore I really

don't have any feelings of jealousy,

I'm very happy for him when he's with his other partners.

Gabriel and I have conversations about this, because I don't feel

quite as secure with Gabriel.

We haven't been together quite as long.

I feel that at this moment, if Gabriel got in a very serious

romantic relationship, I'm not sure

how I would react with that.

I think I would struggle more than I do with Stefanos,

because I'm just not quite as secure.

So, I think for a lot of people asking how they got into

polyamory is a lot like asking, how long have you been gay?

Or. . It can feel kind of similar to that,

for some of us, not for all.

And for me, it was definitely. .

I hadn't heard of poly for a super long time.

So I kept having relationships, I was in lots of relationships,

and what I would find myself doing was just

putting off that -

there's always that conversation in

a normal, vanilla kind of relationship,

the model that I was used to, where you have

the conversation of, now let's be exclusive.

And my expectation was that up until that conversation,

you're not exclusive.

So I would just kind of try to put off that conversation.

Because I knew that exclusivity didn't work for me,

but I didn't know anything else.

And then when I would finally have that conversation,

"Okay, well. . we'll try to be exclusive"

and I ended up having a lot of relationships where I cheated

on people, which was very. . I feel very badly about that.

And so it was a matter of

kind of figuring out this model existed

for the way that I wanted to have relationships.

And having a relationship in an ethical way, that was going to

fit with my kind of inclinations on what I was looking for.

(coughs)

(snorts) (children laughing)

- So what do the kids call you Gabe?

- Gabe.

- Oh, they call you Gabe? - Yeah.

I haven't had too many discussions about it.

[Kid] Gabriel!

There you go, see. (they laugh)

- It's just simple. - Yeah, you know.

So Shay and Stef are Mom and Dad, I'm Gabe. And that works.

- Can you do it for me Gabe?

Okay one last try for Lucy and then I'll do it for you.

- Whoop! Ow. - Ok.

You did the left hand toward you.

- [Shay] People always will ask,

what do the kids think about this?

It's a very common question or concern.

You know, what do the kids think?

But things like polyamory or I think

things like, you know, gay marriage or relationships,

things like gender issues too,

they don't confuse kids.

They only confuse adults.

And the kids really, they don't know anything different.

We've never been monogamous.

They've always had us having other partners, they've always

seen us being romantically involved and affectionate with

other people around them.

It's completely normal for them.

It doesn't confuse kids, it only confuses adults.

One of the things in poly is like,

some people hear it and they're like,

"Oh, that just means you just see more than one person and

everything's great, right?

That must be awesome.

You can go have sex with more than one person,

you can love more than one person.

So it means you can be noncommittal. "

That's really actually not at all how I view it,

and that's not how you were looking for it either.

I think what I kept hearing, and allowed

me to develop my philosophy a little bit

further was, each relationship is its independent state,

and has its own importance.

[Shay] I think we very easily can look at love as not a zero

sum game when it comes to kids.

And for some reason, we can't see it that way

when it comes to adult relationships.

And I don't think that love is a zero sum game.

I think that there's a lot of love, and you can spread it

around among different people,

and the love I have for Gabriel,

or the "lurve" that I have with Jade,

doesn't take away from my love for Stef.

And, you know, this is not a finite resource.

- People like your parents and I -

them because they've had a lot of

life experiences, and me because I've

had a lot of education in human mating strategies,

and the conflict of the sexes -

are a little skeptical about the success of open relationships.

And again, I'm only skeptical when

there are children in the nest.

Let's make that very clear.

Because, we've been there

and we see that jealousy is a natural

part of human mating, that mate poaching and mate guarding can

be treacherous and even dangerous.

And we want people to stay alive.

Because there's no greater threat to our life

than the person we love the most.

(she laughs)

Because of the passion involved.

And if you don't have that kind of passion then what've you got?

If they're just having these loosey goosey open relationships

where they say they don't feel jealousy, they're either lying

or they're not really close.

I prefer to have really hot, passionate sex,

where I mate guard,

and I'm jealous, because that's intense.

- [Dhruv] Thank you very much. (she laughs)

You get it now?

(she laughs)

I just thought maybe you'd think that "Ok, jealousy can. . "

Like, I just. . What I mean is that jealousy seems

like such a negative emotion. .

Yeah if you take away jealousy, you're taking away passion.

You're taking away the excitement of it all.

Like, "Oh yeah sure honey, go hook up

with her, fine I'll get dinner ready. "

I don't want that kind of relationship!

I want to have a "Who you talking to?

What is she with? I'd better get in shape. "

(laughs)

I love mate competition.

It makes it. . it's fabulous.

(ocean surf and seagulls cawing)

- [Hannah] ♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday Uncle Dhruvy, happy birthday to you ♪

- [Dhruv] Yay, thank you. How many candles?

- I don't know, I didn't count.

- What?! It's supposed to be 36.

It's ok baby. - Huh?

- You are making a wish and blow the candle.

Dhruv!

- So how long were you guys

chatting on Tinder before you met?

- Uh huh. A few weeks or something.

Ah, that's what you've been up to huh?

Yeah, yeah.

- A-ha, so all behind my back.

Ok so you should give me the password to your phone now.

So. . so you're not going to give

me the password to your phone?

Yeah I will.

If you want it.

- Do you want to give it?

- Yeah I'm fine with that, I never had. .

- See. . now, so now you see how it feels?

And now you know that I'm going to be reading all your messages.

- No it's fine. Read it!

I never had password on before until you put the password

on your phone so I decided to put the password on my phone.

(engine rumbling)

- So when's your next date?

(Hang laughs)

- Oh you're jealous!

- And so you enjoyed spending time with him?

- He's interesting. He's not that bad.

- No it's good. I want you to enjoy yourself.

I. . yeah, I. . I. .

So do you want to have sex with him?

- See. . See. . That's why I hate going on a date

'cause it's going to make you feel really weird.

- No! I'm fine with you going on a date.

You've been on many dates.

It's just that this is a guy I don't feel comfortable about and

so I'm worried about you.

But the thing is that you get

jealous and you get turned on by it.

I don't get so turned on by it.

I know.

No I get jealous but like it's only when like. .

I get jealous emotionally but when you have like physical,

it's not that much but I hate it, like when

you get like emotionally involved with bitches.

Well you're emotionally involved with these guys you're dating.

You're starting to like them, you're talking to them.

No but you said, remember last time you were like,

you would rather me be emotionally

involved than physically involved.

- For you? - Yeah.

Yeah but you wanna have sex with him too so when you do. .

I didn't say I want to. I said "I'll consider it, I'll see. "

Hang on, hang on.

I'm not allowed to get emotionally involved.

But you first get emotionally involved

and then you have sex so you get both.

Right? And I can't have. . - No.

I don't know, I said I don't know yet. So. .

It can't be guaranteed.

Alright sweetie,

I'm going to go. . - Ok baby.

- and deal with my jealousy and then

I have to wake up early. - Goodnight.

Oh! I hate for you to be jealous too much.

It fucks around with you head that's why I. .

No, it's ok.

That's why it's barely for me to go on a date.

(phone rings)

- Hello. - Hey sweetie.

- Ok ok.

Baby, baby.

Can't use camera because the volume is going to go out.

I'm at work.

Ok you want me to turn off my camera?

- Yeah.

I'm here. Ok.

- Here's my thing. I just feel insecure that you want to go

have sex with someone because you don't enjoy the sex with me.

- Not that. - So what is it?

- I told you, I wanna see how it feels and you don't listen.

I just wanna see how is the sex, that's it.

- And that’s fine, I want you to be in a place where

you and I are both comfortable with you doing it.

And I don't want to control you at all.

- Yeah. - But Hang. .

- That's why I tell you.

- But then you see. . see when this stuff comes up

then I need to tell you about things that

I feel in the relationship which. .

- We can't deal with this.

Can't do this when you're there and I'm here

and then we just talk on the phone. Like, yeah. .

(Hang sniffs)

(Dhruv sighs)

(birdsong)

(soft music)

- [Manjula] If you're going to get into dillying, dallying,

and open relationships, your kids are going to

get fucked up, and everything else is.

You're going to fuck your lives up.

Frankly speaking.

- If I love you, then he is a pimp.

- If any man was to tolerate

his wife having an affair with someone,

and I go have sex with another person I don't. . love you?

- How do you describe loving someone then?

- So to have to accept that you are

going to sleep with someone else is. .

It made me realise what is awful about masculinity.

It's that we always create this idea around

masculinity that you have to be dominant,

you can't be submissive to someone else enjoying something.

And so much peace actually comes when you're just. .

trying to be less dominant always.

I was just so much more at peace after

I just. . finally just came to terms with it.

And it was nothing, it was not like

a big thought that came or anything.

It was just. . 10 minutes ago I was pissed

and in the next 10 minutes I was just free.

I was just. . light and new and I don't know what happened.

I get it, like, it's been four years you've

been in the same relationship with me, you. .

It's completely natural to wanna. .

try something with someone else.

That's a completely natural human impulse and you're not

cheating on me or anything, you're telling me so it's fine.

And I understand that there's an emotional connection too and

whatever. . that's. . you need that so. .

Emotional connection I don't know,

it's not lovey-dovey, not like us.

(hum of car) Not like us.

(upbeat music)

(Manjula laughs)

(indistinct)

- [Dhruv] Okay that was looking good.

How was that? - [Dhruv] Very nice. Very nice.

[Manjula] See, I don't understand this whole

sexual evolution that's taken place.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand how people can have multiple partners and

enjoy sex out of. . with multiple partners.

With me, you've got to be in love with that person.

Yeah?

There has to be a very strong chemistry

to be able to enjoy it.

And. .

I don't think I would. .

Up to here, I cannot think about it.

To even think about things like this.

But even when I was younger, I never. .

I never thought about it.

I mean, we all fantasized about it.

You know, my friends and I.

We'd all say, "Ha ha, before we are 40 we must have an affair!"

We always said that kind of rubbish.

I think when we saw these movies where these women have these

affairs and we said, "Lucky. "

Like. .

Gosh, which was that movie?

Bridges of Madison County.

If that oldie can have why can't we?

But it was just silly girl talk, but never, never, never,

thought about it even seriously.

Not once.

- After speaking to you today,

Yeah, I've come to terms with a lot more of it-

So I can get rid of this guilt that I've been carrying on my. .

this thing that. . it's the reason that you

are not ready to commit is because of

the bad marriage that you saw at home.

- You can get rid of that guilt, yes.

You should get rid of that guilt anyway.

You shouldn't have that guilt.

But you guys throw it at me at the slightest instance.

Dash threw it at me the other day also. .

And I was actually seriously thinking. .

of writing to you two,

and saying, don't make a parody out of something

that was a very- which were very painful moments for me.

If our marriage was bad, it was very painful for me.

- No we know that and I think that deep down inside

we also feel bad about that.

and to anesthetize that guilt maybe we've thrown stuff around.

I mean I'll also say that, the truth is that, yup,

children that have seen bad marriages do. .

have issues with getting married themselves,

but you have to overcome that,

and we've both done that.

Dash has done it in his way and I'm doing it in my way, and. .

And so you can let go of that now because

all that's in the past, it's done.

(she sniffs, clears her throat)

I promise you that, ok?

We'll let this day put that all behind us.

And you're going to organize two great weddings sometime.

One you're already organising.

(engine rumbling)

(dance music) (applause)

- How come you made the decision to be monogamous?

How come I made? I've been monogamous for the last. .

four years.

It'll be four years on Christmas day.

You know? - Yeah.

- So it's not like a decision,

it's just like an evolution. You know? Of man, that you start

with a wide range when you're a teenager and you're young,

and you're full of come and stuff like that.

And It just starts narrowing the field down.

You know? And as you get more hair on your back

and on your ears and less on your head, you know?

Your options and things like that change.

You know?

So you start focusing all your time and energy on one person.

You know? So it's. . And then you,

by the time you realize it, it's a bit late.

(laughs)

- Biologically, we are not prepared for monogamy.

Monogamy is a very difficult thing to do biologically.

It's not natural for human beings.

Whereas our culture tells us that monogamy

is something we should do.

This is a very good example I think of the conflict between

our biology and our culture.

So I think it's useful to look at both sides.

But to do it in both cases with honesty,

rather than a predisposition based on religion

or on what your parents may have told you.

I think we need to look honestly and straightforwardly.

There are pay offs, there are liabilities, too.

And once people know both of them,

then let them make up their own mind.

I think human beings are. . have certainly a drive to

connect with an intimate other and to

maintain that relationship over time.

They also have the impulse to engage

in sexual experimentation.

And. . we're constantly torn.

And some couples will make

a decision that it's worth the pain,

in order to have the open relationship and others will

decide it's worth the repression in order not to feel the pain.

(she laughs)

(drumming)

(drumming fades out) (gentle music)

♪ I have tied this thread with you my love ♪

♪ I could never be separated from you ♪

♪ Love on paper holds no worth ♪

♪ And when I'm tied to your heart,

there is no way to measure this love ♪

♪ Let the world say whatever. . ♪

♪ But I'll never find anyone like you ♪

- I am blessed that God has let me witness this great day.

- [Dhruv] There are times when I feel that Hang may love me less,

because I don't want to be monogamous.

And I actually think that when someone wants to be monogamous

to you, it does make you feel more loved and more special.

And being that special someone to someone matters to us.

And even if it is true that a monogamous relationship shares

a deeper love than a non monogamous one, I'm willing to

trade that in exchange for being able to experience my sexuality

and passion with others.

My greatest fear. .

was. .

that. .

you would die before me and I would have to live without you.

- If I ever die before you. .

I think it's beautiful.

Rather than seeing you walk away.

- Your fears of me leaving you. .

and my fears of you leaving me. .

(sniffs)

(soft music)