All language subtitles for Ghosts s02e22 The Heir.eng

Oh, Isaac, just
who I was looking for.

I have something for you.

A gift for me?
Whatever for?

I just got the advance for your
biography from the publisher

and I wanted to give you
something to say thank you.

Ooh, classy move, babe.

Can I open it since
Isaac can't use his hands?

I know Jay's
offering to help,

but it feels like
he's rubbing it in.

Oh...!

Nice, babe.
A scented candle.

Because they can smell.

Mm.
(sniffs)

So how much was the advance?

$20,000.

My God.
You could buy Delaware.

Okay, hold on, Sam,
you get $20,000

and all Isaac gets
is a candle?

Which cost...?
$12.

Plus tax.

Sasappis brings up
an interesting point.

I am the subject of the book
and your collaborator.

Shouldn't I be entitled to
half the compensation?

Isaac thinks we should split
the advance with him.

(chuckles)
A ghost wants $10,000?

NIGEL:
I stand with Isaac.

You can't just
exploit his labor

and take all the profits
for yourself. HETTY: Agreed.

He's not a child
in your iron foundry.

I mean, none of this
would be happening

if it weren't for Isaac.

ISAAC:
Ooh, she's about to surrender.

Nigel, this must
take you back.

Okay, fine.

Isaac, we can
split the advance.

Huzzah!

We haven't been on
a vacation in three years

but now
a ghost has $10,000.

(chuckling)
I can buy Rhode Island.

* *

* *

Hello, Alberta.

Okay, I know that
you're mad about the whole

"my son murdering you
and me not telling you

about it for
a hundred years,"

but, but... how long do you
intend to freeze me out?

Flower, can you please
tell Hetty

I'm still not talking to her?

Hetty, Alberta wants me to
tell you that--

Wait, I just had it.

Never mind.

(doorbell chimes)

Hi.
SAMANTHA: Hi.

I'm Sam,
can I help you?

I'm Kelsey Foster.

Okay, this is gonna sound
kind of weird,

but my mom was an exotic dancer
back in the '90s.

I don't know
where this is headed,

but I like
the way it started.

Anyway, I only
recently found out

that she had
a sort of office romance

with a client named
David Woodstone.

That was my Uncle David.

And my boy.
Who dump your body in lake.

Just that one time.
KELSEY: Yeah, well,

I think we're related
because your Uncle David

knocked up my mom, and then
nine months later... ta-da.

Oh, my God!
KELSEY: Little family history,

"ta-da" is actually
what my mom used to yell

when she would take her top off
onstage.

And I am now realizing
what exotic dancer means.

So nice to have that
in the gene pool. SAMANTHA: This is amazing.

I can't believe this.
I hardly have any family.

I know, I'm so excited.
You should totally stay.

We have some openings
this weekend.

And it's on the house.

So, you own this place?
SAMANTHA: Yeah.

I inherited it
a couple years ago

from my Great Aunt Sophie,
who was actually David's mom.

Which would make Sophie
this woman's grandmother.

KELSEY:
Yeah.

That's actually why I'm here.

See, the thing is,
I'm actually more of a Woodstone

than you are, turns out.

What are you saying?

You seem really cool,

and I don't want this to affect
our relationship, but...

I think this house,

technically,

belongs to me.

* *

PETE:
Hetty and Alberta...

It's been a week
and the rift between you guys

is starting to
affect the whole house.

That's why we've
asked you here today.

SASAPPIS:
In keeping with the bylaws

outlined in
the Woodstone Accords,

we've decided to
convene Ghost Court. I'm sorry, Ghost Court?

When two or more ghosts
have a conflict

that there doesn't seem to
be a resolution for,

we convene a council

to agree on an
appropriate punishment

so we can put
the matter behind us.

How wonderfully bureaucratic.

Is this really necessary?

Oh, it's necessary.

It's time to pay the piper,
Hetty Woodstone.

Then it's official.
Ghost Court is in session.

FLOWER:
Although, it is almost noon.

Should we figure out what
we're smelling for lunch first?

Great point, uh...

We smell lunch and then,
Ghost Court is in session.

Although, does an afternoon
start feel like

might get
a little bit sleepy?

Ah.

Hit the ground
running tomorrow. Great.

(sighs)

The wheels of justice
grind slowly.

So, what do we do here, Dan?
DAN (over laptop): Well, look,

if she's telling the truth,
she has a claim.

Now, that being said,
there's a lot scammers.

So, I'm gonna send
my DNA guy up there.

Absolute best in the biz.
Does all of Jeter's stuff.

Are you allowed to tell us that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who's the lawyer now, Jay?

Okay? I love it. I love you.

He remind me of guy I knew
who sold used longships. SAMANTHA: Okay.

Well, that's a relief.

So, you think it's
probably nothing?

Well, you know what? Look.

The only thing that does
give me pause is

our firm has been representing

the Woodstone family
for decades.

And without
getting into details,

I do know that Davey Woodstone,
let's just say,

had... an enthusiasm for
exotic dancers.

Yeah, he did.

Again, he dump
your body in lake.

Doesn't mean I can't be
proud of my bro.

Pizza oven.

You got to use your money
to buy a pizza oven.

I've never been
overly fond of pizza.

Now a quail oven, though,
is that a thing?

You should donate the money.
Save the narwhals.

Screw that,
get a new water heater.

Let's party.

Okay, thank you
for your suggestions,

but this is Isaac's money

and I think
he should spend it

as he sees fit.

Thank you, Nigel.

And the truth is,

I've already decided what
I'm spending the money on.

Oh.

A new daybed!

A new daybed?

I saw it in a catalog
for this emporium called

the Pottery Barn,
and I must have it.

And this daybed would
presumably sleep just one?

Like your current daybed?

I mean, I guess so.

Mm. Well, that's
just lovely!

Okay, does anyone know
what that was about?

SASAPPIS:
Isaac, don't you see?

This daybed
is not just a daybed.

It's a sign that you don't
want to get more serious.

I recently had
a girlfriend for a week,

so I know what
I'm talking about.

I mean, I did just
ask Nigel to move in.

Yeah, to the mansion,
but not into your room.

And now by getting this
new bed that only sleeps one,

you're showing you're nowhere
near making a real commitment.

Which, honestly,

I respect as a "hit it
and quit it" kind of girl.

Oh, dear.

This money,
it's complicating everything.

(sighs) I'd be better just
washing my hands of it.

SASAPPIS:
Ironic.

If you'd washed your hands
250 years ago,

you wouldn't have
pooped yourself to death.

Thank you, Sass.

DAN:
Okay, so,

inside this
manila envelope

are the results
to Kelsey's DNA test.

What is DNA?

Stand for
deoxyribonucleic acid.

They explain on
O.J. Simpson episode of

How 'Bout Those Nineties.

KELSEY:
I just want to say,

no matter what happens, Sam,
we'll always be family.

Thank you, Kelsey.

But if this does
go my way,

is the furniture included?

This was all here, right?

Absolutely.

Dude, whose lawyer are you?

Well, technically I represent

the Woodstone Estate.

So I guess... Hey-oh!

We're about to find out.

God, it's like
an episode of Maury. Who?

TV show host also from '90s
who reveal baby daddies

and send problematic teens
to boot camp.

Oh, my.

What? What is it?

Wow.

Oh, I mean, this is
frustrating for y'all,

but as an entertainer,
I respect his showmanship.

And the owner of
the mansion is...

* *

(quietly):
Ooh, this guy's good.

She's in this room.

Dan!
It's Kelsey, I'm sorry.

It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey.

(squeals)
(laughs) Congratulations.

I can't believe this.
I finally get a cousin,

and one day later,
she's taking the house from us?

What about us?
We're going to lose you.

Just when we finally
got a Living

who can serve us...

See us. See us.

Thor and I have a plan.

You push Kelsey
down the stairs.

Either she dies
and your problem is solved,

or she can see ghosts,
and then our problem is solved.

THORFINN:
Though we will miss you.

Even though we now have
Kelsey to help us.

Okay, interesting development.

Dan says Kelsey is
willing to pay us

a settlement to avoid
dragging things out in court.

Way less than what
the house is worth,

but at least we'd get something.

I can't believe
this is happening.

JAY:
Yeah, it's like the weirdest butterfly effect ever.

Some '90s douche finance bro
falls in love with a dancer

at Scores and now
we're out of a house.

Wait, what did he say?
Get over it, Trevor, you were all douches.

No. No, no, no.
Scores?

Woodstone wouldn't
have been at Scores.

He got banned from there
when he tried to get

autographs from Gary Dell'Abate
and Jeff the Drunk.

Jeff the Drunk?
JAY: From the Wack Pack?

We got a Howard Stern fan
in the house?

Okay, so the ban
happened in like...

Baba Booey.
SAMANTHA: Jay, please,

I'm getting important
information here.

Trevor's saying that

David Woodstone was
banned from Scores.

So, what are we saying here?

That David Woodstone
isn't actually the father?

But how would
we prove that?

Short of asking the ghost
of David Woodstone himself--

Oh, right.
That's what we should do.

I wonder where he died.

HETTY:
Do we think perhaps Kelsey

might spring for the upgraded
cable television package?

I'm sorry,

but we must emotionally
gird ourselves

for a Sam-free future.
JAY: Okay.

According to his obituary,

he died in Upstate New York

at a gentlemen's club.

Ooh, gentlemen's club.
That sounds classy.

THORFINN:
Just hope he didn't get sucked off.

(dance music playing)

Ugh. Of course this
is where he died.

This place is so depressing.

JAY:
I've seen more depressing.

On TV. I've never been
to a strip club. (shudders)

Check it out, Schmitty,
new talent.

Excuse me?

W-Wait...
Are you a ghost?

No. Are you
David Woodstone?

Uh-huh.

I'm your descendent.
We're related.

You mean, he's
actually here? It would appear so.

Wow, we're so lucky
he didn't go up to heaven.

This isn't heaven?

ALBERTA:
In summation,

for a hundred years, Hetty's
been pretending to be my friend.

Withholding the truth
about how I died.

This was a century

of betrayal.

And I hope this court
remembers that

when it comes
time to sentence her.

Hetty, do you deny
these charges?

I do not.

But I ask that the court

consider the following.

The Hetty of a hundred
years ago stayed silent

for many reasons.

But the Hetty that stands
before you today did not.

Thanks to women
like Alberta and Flower

and Samantha
and a washing machine,

I have changed.
Aw.

In my time, women
were competition.

But I now know
that they are friends.

And I couldn't sit back

and let my friend
Alberta believe

her sister had killed her,
no matter the cost to me.

And I know that may not
change the way you feel...

...but I am deeply
sorry, Alberta.

PETE:
Wow.

Not sure how the washing machine
got mixed up in all that,

but still I was moved.

The washing machine
gave her an orgasm.

Oh, cheese and crackers.

Now, Alberta, you have a choice.

You can accept
Hetty's apology,

put this matter behind us,

house harmony restored.

Or we can move
to the punishment phase.

Punishment phase.
FLOWER: Are you sure?

You can take some time
to think about it.

Punishment phase.
Your girl wants blood. (gasps)

ISAAC: I'm just vexed
by this Nigel situation.

Moving in together
as a ghost is different

than moving in
together as a Living.

The stakes are
much higher.

I mean, what if
things go south?

I will be heartbroken
for eternity.

Taking chance at love
always carry risk.

Like when I catch
Danish man with cousin.

We disembowel the Dane
and force him to march

until entrails wrap around tree.

Okay.
THORFINN: For him,

risk not work out.

But sometimes risk do work out.

Like with Thor and Flower.

TREVOR:
Isaac,

relationships are
like sharks.

Either they move forward
or they die.

That's from
a Woody Allen movie.

And that guy knows
relationships.

Did you ever move in
with anyone?

Almost. Once.

She wanted to
get engaged first.

She wanted that commitment.

I was only in my 30s,
had my whole life ahead of me.

I thought.
(laughing)

Very funny, because actually
die soon after.

You two have been very helpful.

(dance music playing)

Hmm. Strip club sushi.

It shouldn't look good.
But it does.

That's what
I thought, man.

Before it killed me.

So, this chick just
shows up out of the blue

and says
she's my daughter? Pretty much.

But there's something
off about her story.

How old is she?

She was born in '97.

No, she can't be mine.

I've been
shooting blanks since '93.

Oh, okay.
What happened in '93?

I dipped my balls into
a scalding hot coffee pot.

(chuckling)

Why?

Uh, my boy Ari said
that I wouldn't, so...

Freaking love that guy.
Okay, this is huge.

So she definitely
can't be your kid.

No.
SCHMITTY: Uh, excuse me.

You might want to
tell your husband

that sushi was on top of
a stripper last night

at a bachelor party.

Babe, they got
all-you-can-eat sushi.

It's better than you'd think.

ISAAC:
Matters are on my mind,

and we must speak.
Let me get right to it.

Nigel, it seems apparent

that you wish for us
to move in together.

You read my storm-out
correctly, Captain Higgintoot.

I don't know
how else to say this,

but I fear that
our relationship is not

at the stage in which
I would feel

comfortable cohabitating.

I see.

So let's take our
relationship to that stage.

I'm sorry?

(gasps)
Now it is I who gasp.

Nigel...

Yes, Isaac?

Will you make me

the happiest ghost
on the entire property?

No.

I will make you
the second happiest.

Get up so I can look
my fianc in the eye.

Oh, my only regret is
that I lack the ability

to physically place
a ring on this finger.

You've already embedded a shiny
metal object deep in my heart.

You're referring to the bullet
I killed you with.

NIGEL:
Or, as Samantha would say,

our meet cute.

So, we can move in
together now?

My fianc ?

Absolutely.

Oh, and I'll ask Samantha
if we can just use

one of the extra
guest rooms.

If she says no, I'll tell her
she's being homophobic.

It gets stuff done.

And perhaps we can use
that money of yours

to buy a king-sized bed.

That might be nice.

Yeah, nothing better
than a king.

Oh, I see what
you did there.

It's hard to beat me
in a battle of wits. (chuckling)

Well, a battle of armies
on the other hand...

(chuckles)
We will have fun.

PETE:
We've reached a verdict.

Henrietta Woodstone,
for your crimes,

you are hereby sentenced
to banishment in the woods

for a period of one year.

A year?

Thor only got three days
for chopping Peter in half.

Ended up staying entire week.

Bonded with family of beetles
that taught me life lessons.

Wow. A year.
Y'all don't mess around.

It is quite harsh.

But I accept my fate.

And do not worry about me.

When the weather turns
I shall take shelter

in the old outhouse
we reserved for the help

and foreign-born guests.

TREVOR:
Hey, guys.

Did you hear the big news?

Isaac and Nigel
are engaged.

(excited laughter)

What?
Yes.

They're moving in together,
the whole megillah.

That's incredible.
We should all celebrate

after Thor dumps Hetty
in the woods.

Wait, what?

She's been convicted
by the Ghost Court.

Thor, take her away.

Can't it just wait
a moment?

I would like to take part
in the celebrations.

You celebrate with
beetle friends now.

(laughing)
(Hetty gasps)

Wait.

Uh...

So, like...

can I still meet up
with Hetty for our daily walks?

Yeah, that's not really

how the whole
banishment thing works.

What about conjugal visits?

* *

Not in this situation,
obviously.

But if I ever get banished

and there's a Swedish
bikini team ghost

that I'm schtupping?

There is no
outside contact allowed.

So like, I can't even
watch TV with her sometimes?

Who am I gonna make
my naughty Momoa comments to?

I'm around and ready to
objectify that man.

It's not the same.

You said you wanted her
punished, Alberta.

I think.

Sometimes I hear things.
ALBERTA: Yeah.

But I don't want to go
a whole year without...

my friend.

Well, you could forgive her.

That would allow the court
to vacate her sentence.

Okay, I might be able to
forgive you, Hetty.

But I want something if you're
going to stay in this house.

Anything.

Well, if Isaac's moving in
with Nigel,

then you've got that big
room all to yourself.

So how about I get your room,
and you move in with Flower?

(gasps)
New roomie?

I'm gonna braid your hair
while you're sleeping.

(Alberta laughs)

Well, what's it
gonna be, Hetty?

Flower or the woods?

If I could just see if
the outhouse still has a roof.

Seriously?
HETTY: Fine.

Fine.
Thank you, Alberta.

I truly am sorry.

I know.

And it's a good thing you've
embraced female friendships

'cause you're going to get
a lot of practice with Flower.

Oh, oh, oh...

Do you want to be
the engine or the caboose

in the massage train?

It just doesn't even
make any sense.

There's only
the two of us.

Not every conversation
has to make sense.

We're gonna have
so much fun!

Yay!

Ooh, God.
(sniffles)

TREVOR:
So he was shooting blanks?

That makes so much sense!

That's why he was always
raw-dogging it.

A life without
consequences.

What a gift.

So, how he die
in strip club?

I like to say I died
in a motorboating accident.

I had an aneurism with my head
pressed between two boobs.

I didn't ask.
(door opens)

So, you wanted to talk
about my offer?

Yeah, uh, we did.

We just thought before
we make our final decision,

we want to do
another DNA test,

just to be sure.

Okay, why?

Because we've recently
uncovered evidence

that suggests
David Woodstone was sterile.

SAMANTHA:
We're not accusing you of anything.

We just want you to
take another test

from a different company.

(singsongy):
Dan, what should I do?

Why is she asking him?

Why is she asking you?

I have no idea.
(quietly): Dan, you said this would work.

Okay, clearly,
this woman is having

some sort of
a mental breakdown. No, I'm not.

He said he'd give
me $10,000

if I pretended to be
your cousin. SAMANTHA: What?!

Dan, you were in
on this?

No!
Yes!

Normally, I would stand up
and confront you,

but I ate strip club
sushi, and...

my stomach's not feeling
so good right now.

So, why don't you tell us
what's going on?

Okay, you know what?
Fine.

Recently,
I was contacted

by a major hotel chain with
an offer to buy your home

for way over market value.

Simultaneously,
the New York Knicks

have been blowing some very
large second half leads.

Yeah, they're resting their
starters, it's driving me nuts.

But that is not what we're
talking about right now.

So, you were trying to trick us
into selling you our house

for basically nothing
so you could turn it around

and sell it at a huge profit,

all to pay off
some gambling debts?

Well summarized, babe.

That's all water under
the bridge, okay?

What is important is,

there is a very substantial
offer on the table

for your house
from the Four Seasons.

Now, look.

There is no one better
to help you navigate

that tricky sale
than your man Dan.

No!
JAY: Get out of our house!

Both of youse.

When you say,
"Get out of our house,"

do you mean after
my free weekend stay?

Just go!

I'd walk you to the door,
but I am afraid to stand up.

JAY:
Thank you for coming with me

to get Pepto Bismol.
SAMANTHA: You're welcome.

I can't believe
we almost lost the house. But we didn't, babe.

Your dead uncle dipped
his balls in a pot of coffee

and everything
turned out fine. Yeah, that's true.

It was scary though.
Yeah.

And just to be clear,

we're not gonna take the offer
from the Four Seasons?

Come on, we could
never leave the ghosts. Yeah.

I love those stupid
invisible bastards.

Think about how much
our lives have changed

in these past two years.

Each one of the ghosts has come
to mean so much to me.

I never had a lot of family.

But the truth is,

these days we're
surrounded by family.

And yes, they can be frustrating

and demanding and childish.

* *

But I've also seen them grow.

Seen them be loving and giving

and sweet.

And the thing is,

for as much as we help them,

they've made our lives
so much richer.

Not in the financial
sense, but sure.

I just can't imagine
not having them around.

Yeah, I feel
the same way.

I mean...

SAMANTHA:
Oh, my God.

What?

I think one of the ghosts
just got sucked off.

What? Who?

I have no idea.

I hope it's Trevor.

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