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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:08,105
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:11,708
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,252
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:18,148
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:21,291
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:23,018
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,293
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:31,201
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:40,344
Ah, boy, do I love
the Fall Festival.
11
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:42,080
Especially how
everywhere you turn
12
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,906
is the smell of pumpkin spice.
13
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,281
Pumpkin spice.
14
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,779
Sounds like a reject
from a female British pop band.
15
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,693
Quit tossing your scarf
over your shoulder
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00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,845
to punctuate your jokes.
17
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:53,886
You know what, Peter?
18
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,161
I like me.
19
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:56,615
Look, "Guess Your Weight."
20
00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:01,333
With a line that long, I'll
guess my own wait: 30 minutes.
21
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:04,002
Oop, see you in a few.
22
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,097
Got scarfed up.
23
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:13,966
No. No, no, no.
24
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,884
I don't-- I don't
throw in public.
25
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,636
Ugh, and I only fetch.
26
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,654
All right, I'll see
if I can get my money back.
27
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:20,746
Excuse me?
28
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,287
Oh, cool. I like your tattoo.
29
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,032
Oh, that? Yeah, that's the
Hormone Monstress.
30
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,098
She likes sex
and I like sex, so I figured
31
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,867
I'd permanently disfigure
myself with something
32
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,067
I'd seen on Netflix three times.
33
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:43,599
You like sex, huh?
34
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,474
You, uh, wouldn't maybe want
to grab dinner sometime?
35
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,213
Nah, but I'll bang you
in the porta-potty
36
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:51,349
back by the
very loud generators.
37
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,905
The one that smells like all
different pees mixed together?
38
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,484
Um, hell yes.
39
00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:56,582
See ya, Stewie.
40
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,583
Wait, you're just going to
41
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:58,794
leave me here by myself?
42
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,385
Look at all these
ne'er-do-wells.
43
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:03,517
When's that guy
gonna do well? Ne'er.
44
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,357
Hello, carnival-goers, and
welcome to "Generation Gap,"
45
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,634
where we learn which of these
parents and kids
46
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,833
know each other best.
47
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,974
How'd you get Dad to agree
to be in this?
48
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,809
I rescued him from
the corn maze, so he owes me.
49
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:19,835
Oh.
50
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,410
Yeah, he was crying.
51
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:22,808
Okay, first question:
52
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,379
Parents, what does your child
want to be
53
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,209
when they grow up?
54
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,824
How did you answer,
Team Number One?
55
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,516
Lady NASA scientist.
56
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:34,088
Okay, weird, and what did
you say, Dad?
57
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,858
Hidden Figures gal?
58
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:36,816
Judges?
59
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,933
A match.
60
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,259
Team Number Two?
61
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,100
You both said, "Retire after
62
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,196
large personal
injury settlement."
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00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,268
Bravo.
64
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,125
Team Three?
65
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:50,474
Guy who holds the "Slow" sign
during road construction.
66
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:52,110
And, Dad, you said...?
67
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,705
Leprechaun.
68
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,679
Ooh, our first wrong answer.
69
00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:58,808
Fat Leprechaun?
70
00:02:58,812 --> 00:02:59,882
Also incorrect.
71
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,010
You may not understand the game.
72
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:02,354
Next question:
73
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:06,549
Kids, what would your parent
say is their hobby?
74
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:07,653
Team Number One?
75
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:08,964
Refurbishing people's
76
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,086
garage door openers.
77
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,290
That's a match.
78
00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:12,861
It's one button.
79
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,100
You just got to fix one button.
80
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,540
Okay, final question.
81
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:25,205
Team Three, who is your child's
favorite singer?
82
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,065
The Price is Right yodeler.
83
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,484
What? No. I said Adele.
84
00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:30,476
Judges?
85
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,617
Ugh, this is more humiliating
86
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,646
than my first day working at
that rice pilaf company.
87
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,222
You know, I think we can start
putting pilaf in other things.
88
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:45,062
Lois, can I see you
in my office for a second?
89
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:49,727
I told you not to rock
the boat over there.
90
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,267
Oh, there you are, little dude.
91
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,699
Ah, finally back from
the carnival, I see.
92
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,274
Ah, it was amazing.
93
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,783
I got to tell you
all about Amber, amigo.
94
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,975
"Little dude"? "Amigo"?
95
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,581
Brian, have you...
have you forgotten my name?
96
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,680
I don't know, I-I spent
the whole afternoon
97
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,422
drinking ethanol out of a ladle.
98
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,247
It's "Stewie."
99
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,291
Stewie, right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
100
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:16,056
Anyway, Amber is, like,
the perfect girl for me.
101
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,486
How old is she, even?
102
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:18,931
Well, she's so weathered
103
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,656
that that's a hard number
to peg.
104
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,901
Either 27 or 61.
105
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,496
But the thing is, Stewie,
she's leaving town
106
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,499
with the carnival
in three days, Stewie,
107
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:31,941
so it's sex-sex-sex and
then "adios," Stewie.
108
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:34,639
By the way, and, like,
relax about this,
109
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:38,051
but is abortion
still legal in Rhode Island?
110
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,921
Peter, it was humiliating
having the whole town witness
111
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,817
you and Chris not knowing the
first thing about each other.
112
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,360
I know the first
thing about him.
113
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:51,455
It was his goopy head squishing
out of you like toothpaste.
114
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,288
Peter, it's important
a boy knows his father.
115
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,704
Now go up to Chris' room
and talk to him.
116
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,971
Hey, Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?
117
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,270
Next door over, Chief.
118
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,741
Roger that.
119
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,243
Yeah, Pop? What's up?
120
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,542
Oh, I'm so sorry.
121
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,214
- Chris?
- Yes?
122
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,282
Phew.
123
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,258
Is there something
you want, Dad?
124
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,460
I don't know.
Your mom sent me up here.
125
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,932
We-we embarrassed her in front
of the town or something.
126
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,271
Ugh, that is so Mom,
127
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,797
always getting mad about
stuff that doesn't even matter.
128
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,436
Oh, my God, tell me about it.
129
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,337
I can't tell you how tired
I am of hearing,
130
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:42,679
"Peter, don't use my hair dryer
to dry your anus."
131
00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:44,509
Yeah, or
132
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,851
"Chris, stop freezing
bees until they fall asleep
133
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,948
and gluing little leashes
on them."
134
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,650
Totally.
135
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,722
God, I can't believe
you notice this stuff, too.
136
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,120
Oh, you mean like how if a pair
of her underpants goes missing
137
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,557
she can't just let it go
and move on?
138
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,760
Exactly.
139
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:06,230
Well, sounds like bonding to me.
140
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,743
Looks like somebody worked some
pretty good mom magic.
141
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,407
Huh? Where the hell
are all my underpants?
142
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,679
Okay, place your bets.
143
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,084
Stewie's shoe: burn or melt?
144
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,193
I'm gonna say
a little bit of melt,
145
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,685
and then a lot
of very quick burn.
146
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,732
Wow, would not have expected
rainbow sparks.
147
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,828
Lot of chemicals
near my baby's foot.
148
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,300
Well, look at you two
getting along.
149
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,999
Now I wonder who made
that happ--
150
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,171
Oh, my God, are you
lighting fires in the house?
151
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,470
Huh. Just what we
guessed you'd say.
152
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,172
Yeah, it was either
gonna be that or,
153
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:50,084
"I'm Lois. When I don't
hit my step goals,
154
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:53,307
I spin my arm
around to trick my Fitbit."
155
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,922
Wh-What is that?
Is that supposed to be me?
156
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,587
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe you'll recognize this one.
157
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:02,986
"I'm Mom. I cry on the toilet
158
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:06,390
as I circle things in catalogs
I'll never afford."
159
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:12,126
Ah, damn it.
Look what you guys did.
160
00:07:15,169 --> 00:07:18,469
All right, men, looks like Mom's
got this one under control.
161
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:22,282
Now back to the station for
spaghetti and a group shower.
162
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,118
Oh, hey, Stewie, perfect timing.
163
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,560
- Amber, come meet Stewie.
- Pass.
164
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,126
Ooh, he's so cute.
165
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,725
I just got to kidnap him,
don't I?
166
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:41,861
Would you like that?
167
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,132
I stuff you in a duffel bag,
168
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,430
zip it up, we're in Indiana
before you know it?
169
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:46,732
Charmed.
170
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:47,903
Isn't she awesome?
171
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:48,871
You want to come inside, babe?
172
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,142
Nah, I'm just gonna park it here
for a few hours
173
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:56,178
and watch Fuller House
on my stepson's cracked iPad.
174
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:59,646
I'm telling you, Stewie, this
thing is all next-level sex.
175
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:03,116
The rugs in her van are just
filled with crushed Froot Loops.
176
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,946
So, while we're doing it, I can
lean over and lick the crumbs.
177
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,816
I'm familiar with
the temptations
178
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,591
of crushed Froot Loops,
thank you.
179
00:08:10,424 --> 00:08:12,664
Brian, you should know
the Nextdoor app
180
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,129
is on fire right now.
181
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,997
"Have you seen the van?"
"What's with the van?"
182
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,727
"Here's a photo of the van."
183
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,802
"I checked with the police
and we can't get rid of the van
184
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,772
unless we witness
criminal activity."
185
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,410
And then just some
nervous comments
186
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:28,336
about the Black Amazon driver,
but you get the gist.
187
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,852
Hurry up, gang,
the movie starts soon.
188
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,118
What are we seeing, Mom?
189
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,486
Oh, something I've been
waiting forever for:
190
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:41,455
Penelope's Struggle
starring Renée Zellweger.
191
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:42,955
The dramatic, true story
192
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,726
of the first female
carriage driver for the Queen.
193
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,356
That movie sounds terrible.
194
00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,601
And, besides, Chris and I had
our hearts set on seeing
195
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:52,366
the re-release of
You Don't Mess with the Zohan,
196
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:54,866
now remastered
to be 40% louder.
197
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:58,438
Oh, but, Peter,
you know I always choose
198
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,708
the movie for
family movie night.
199
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,481
It's tradition.
200
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:07,706
Yeah, but just now I'm realizing
Chris and me are two guys.
201
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:09,354
And you're only one guy.
202
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,083
So, technically,
we can outvote you.
203
00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:13,215
I'm sorry. Out-outvote me?
204
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,890
But-- but what about Meg?
205
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,158
I-I mean, she obviously
gets a vo--
206
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,326
All in on Zohan, bro.
207
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,485
My armpit is smelly
208
00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:23,764
and now you smell like
my smelly armpit.
209
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,834
The whispers
in this movie
210
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:28,372
would be yells in other movies.
211
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,814
Ugh, these are basically steps,
212
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,683
it's the same thing as steps.
213
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,608
You can put all that away, Lois.
214
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,983
Me and Chris just bought
dinner at the grocery store.
215
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,892
The-the grocery store?
W-Without me?
216
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,185
Okay, so everybody gets
four puddings
217
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,987
and their own package
of bologna.
218
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,359
But I spent all day
making lasagna.
219
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,088
Yeah, no, our thing is more fun.
220
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,093
Shall we take a vote?
221
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,634
All in favor say "aye."
222
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:56,759
- Aye.
- Aye.
223
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:57,833
The "ayes" have it.
224
00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,231
Sorry, Lois, democracy.
225
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:01,503
Oh, and we're dragging
the TV into the dining room.
226
00:10:01,502 --> 00:10:03,602
What? You know that's
not allowed.
227
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,744
Vote? All in favor say "aye."
228
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:05,808
- Aye.
- Aye.
229
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,506
"Ayes" have it, sorry.
Kids, dinner.
230
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,248
Dad, can we watch
The White Lotus ?
231
00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:15,048
Why not?
232
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,248
I poop in a suitcase,
233
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,950
I'm wrestled
to the ground at LaGuardia.
234
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,251
That guy does it: gold statue.
235
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,625
Oh, boy.
236
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:26,786
What? What is it?
237
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,003
Text from Amber:
238
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,955
"We should talk
about where this is going."
239
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,103
Man, what if she wants
to get married?
240
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,169
Ugh, looks like I have
to break things off with her.
241
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,706
Hey, Amber.
Listen, I got your text--
242
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,808
Brian, this here
ain't working out.
243
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,251
We need to break up.
244
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,845
What?
You're breaking up with me?
245
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:51,118
Whoa. Dumped by a carny. Brutal.
246
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,248
Yeah, I've been thinking.
247
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,123
We don't really
have much in common.
248
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,862
I mean, you don't know
a single Kid Rock lyric
249
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,328
or the names of
any monster trucks.
250
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,627
Monst-- I--
Grave Maker, that's one.
251
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:07,200
Ah! Grave Digger!
You're embarrassing yourself!
252
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:09,341
Come on, what's this
really about?
253
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,206
Is this because I couldn't
smash that Percocet
254
00:11:11,205 --> 00:11:12,665
into powder fast enough?
255
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:18,548
Goodbye, Brian.
256
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:23,877
Wow, buddy, I just want you
to know that I'm...
257
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,094
She's stealing our mail.
258
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,615
She's stealing our mail!
259
00:11:29,590 --> 00:11:31,430
Thanks for meeting me, guys.
260
00:11:31,425 --> 00:11:33,055
I should warn you:
this is gonna be
261
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:36,130
a two-hands-on-the-coffee-cup
conversation.
262
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:39,470
All right. Time to get
some work done.
263
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,366
Don't mind me.
264
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,197
This is screenwriting software.
265
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,742
You've probably
never seen it before.
266
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,337
You guys, I don't know
what to do.
267
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,082
I-I told Peter to bond
with Chris, and he did,
268
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,075
but now, well,
it's like they've stolen
269
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,707
all the power in the family.
270
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:52,752
Oh, no, no, no.
271
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,176
For a mother to remain
in control of her family,
272
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,722
she needs to make sure
there are no alliances
273
00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:58,918
she's not a part of.
274
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,489
If a scene is in the sea,
275
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,317
would you put
"interior" or "exterior"?
276
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,463
Ah, never mind.
277
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:05,688
No alliances, huh?
278
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,462
What's a funny name for a boat?
279
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:08,501
Well, then, that's it.
280
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:11,095
I have to drive a wedge
between Peter and Chris.
281
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,768
Push them back apart.
282
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:16,866
Okay, now to loudly watch this
Aaron Sorkin MasterClass.
283
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:20,110
Hi, I'm Aaron Sorkin and
I've been paid a lot of money
284
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,837
to give you false hope
about your ridiculous dream.
285
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,953
Oh, thanks, you guys.
286
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,405
I got this.
287
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,713
What the hell?
288
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,254
My credit card is gone.
289
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,589
"Dear Lois,
290
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:36,917
Chris and I borrowed your credit
card to shop for fireworks
291
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,694
you would normally
have to be a town to buy."
292
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,598
Ow! Ow! Ow!
293
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,440
Gather all the fingers! Ow!
294
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:59,782
All right, time to put an end
to this Peter-Chris alliance.
295
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,180
Hey, FYI, I accidentally got
in the shower with my socks on.
296
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,553
I wasn't sure what to do,
297
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,951
so I just mashed them down
the drain with my elbow.
298
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:08,864
Peter, we need to talk.
299
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,526
I just found the oddest thing
in Chris' room.
300
00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:13,955
It's this essay he apparently
wrote for school
301
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,731
about his hero: Joe Swanson.
302
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,100
Joe Swanson?
303
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,228
Let me see that.
304
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,043
Okay, th-this is actually quite
long, can you just summarize it?
305
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,536
Chris says,
"Mr. Swanson's skewed take
306
00:13:25,539 --> 00:13:29,109
"on contemporary politics
is painfully astute
307
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,909
and refreshingly twisted."
308
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:32,311
That son of a bitch.
309
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,452
I've been like
a father to that kid.
310
00:13:34,448 --> 00:13:35,448
I know, right?
311
00:13:35,449 --> 00:13:38,189
I mean, who does Chris
think he is?
312
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,356
The last three pages
is all about
313
00:13:41,355 --> 00:13:44,285
how you're aging as well
as Jennifer Lopez.
314
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,892
Well, that's our son.
315
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,904
Oh, hey, Chris.
316
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,756
You know, I just found
the oddest thing
317
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,134
in your father's room:
318
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,202
an essay he wrote for work
about his favorite son,
319
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,535
Charles from Charles in Charge.
320
00:13:57,538 --> 00:14:00,668
What? But Charles wasn't
even one of the sons.
321
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,544
He was their babysitter.
322
00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:04,243
I'm so sorry.
323
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,384
I know it must be hard
to hear that your father
324
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,380
would rather be a parent
to a fictional character
325
00:14:08,382 --> 00:14:11,552
who the writers, in five
seasons, never even bothered
326
00:14:11,652 --> 00:14:12,822
to give a last name--
327
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,690
a totally weird but true fact,
feel free to Google that--
328
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:16,919
than his own son.
329
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:20,094
I hate him so much.
330
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:24,063
Wait, Dad dots all his
I's with a smiley face?
331
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,874
Yeah, that means he's got flair.
332
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,626
Maybe those faces
brighten his otherwise
333
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,804
bleak day just a tiny bit.
334
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:31,143
Maybe he's known for them.
335
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,008
I don't know,
it seems stupid and weird.
336
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,477
You're stupid and weird!
337
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,235
Now I see why
your father prefers
338
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,614
Charles Last Name Unknown.
339
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:46,617
Hello, uh, my name is Stewie,
340
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,920
and I'm a milk-aholic.
341
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,822
Okay, I figured out
what I got to do:
342
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,834
I need to get back together
with Amber.
343
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,256
What? But I thought you were
just about to break up with her.
344
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:58,402
Brian, are you sure this isn't
just your wounded ego talking?
345
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,828
Pfft, no. What?
346
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,073
No, I-I can really
see us together.
347
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:04,438
There's something romantic about
her style of life on the road.
348
00:15:04,538 --> 00:15:06,508
Oh, really?
What's the romantic part?
349
00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:08,877
Taking a whore bath
in a Taco Bell restroom
350
00:15:08,876 --> 00:15:12,046
or peeing in a Gatorade bottle
that you leave near a payphone?
351
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,675
You don't know what
you're talking about.
352
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,820
Don't I?
353
00:15:14,815 --> 00:15:17,015
Because I think that
you can't stand
354
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,817
that you got dumped by a carny,
355
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,949
someone you feel
is inferior to you.
356
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,224
Fine, you're right, okay?
I'm pissed.
357
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:26,393
That's why I'm off to win
Amber back so I can dump her.
358
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:28,963
Look, man, I don't know if
Lois and the fat man told you,
359
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,196
but they found a lump
on your neck.
360
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,968
Is this really what you want
to spend your time on?
361
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,737
What the hell?
362
00:15:38,739 --> 00:15:41,909
I thought you said we were both
gonna get Mark Davis haircuts.
363
00:15:41,909 --> 00:15:44,079
- Who's that?
- This maniac.
364
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:47,879
I don't know what
you're talking about.
365
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,751
I'm talking about
the voice mail you left me.
366
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,890
Which now I see was all just
a trick to humiliate me.
367
00:15:52,886 --> 00:15:55,856
- I didn't leave you
a voice mail.
- Oh, no?
368
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:57,816
Uh, hey, Dad.
369
00:15:57,925 --> 00:15:59,755
It's your son, Chris.
370
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,860
Hot Pockets and Fortnite.
371
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,972
Son of a bitch,
I guess I did call you.
372
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:07,398
Hey, know what could be fun?
373
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:11,241
If we both got bowl haircuts
like-- Oh, hang on.
374
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,768
Estrogen smoothie, please.
375
00:16:12,773 --> 00:16:14,783
Sorry, I'm busy
tricking my husband.
376
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:16,105
Wait a minute.
377
00:16:16,210 --> 00:16:18,650
I would never trick my husband.
378
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,775
Dad, I think Mom
may have left that message.
379
00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:23,422
But why?
380
00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:26,347
You think she's, like, trying
to get us mad at each other?
381
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:29,363
Well, it would certainly
explain the voice mail I got.
382
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,086
Hey, Chris,
Principal Shepherd here.
383
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:34,601
So, listen, the nurse
is going to press charges
384
00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,325
for you touching her breast.
385
00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:39,600
I offered her the money
like you said, but, well,
386
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,070
that seemed to make it worse.
387
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,038
So, we either got to come up
on that number
388
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,536
or find a different plan,
389
00:16:44,538 --> 00:16:49,578
but methinks a lawyer
is in our future. Hmph.
390
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,476
Anyway, call me back,
391
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:55,818
but remember the rule on these:
delete, delete, delete.
392
00:16:55,916 --> 00:16:57,776
Message saved.
393
00:16:57,885 --> 00:17:00,385
What kind of game
is Mom playing?
394
00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:14,736
♪ Last night I took
a walk after dark ♪
395
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:17,695
♪ A swingin' place called
Palisades Park ♪
396
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,944
♪ To have some fun
and see what I could see ♪
397
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,941
♪ That's where the girls are. ♪
398
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,583
Brian? What are you doing?
399
00:17:25,579 --> 00:17:27,409
Amber, please take me back.
400
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,384
Look, I even brought you
a peace offering:
401
00:17:29,383 --> 00:17:31,493
a pack of cigarettes
and some Nicorette gum
402
00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:33,815
because I wasn't sure which way
you wanted to go this week.
403
00:17:33,954 --> 00:17:35,724
Aw, that's sweet.
404
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:39,192
I'm-a smoke and chew them both
for an extra nicotine surge.
405
00:17:39,193 --> 00:17:41,333
It's what carnies call
"The Surf and Turf."
406
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,698
Well, that doesn't
make much sense,
407
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,229
but it sure is two things.
408
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,171
Amber, we have
something special.
409
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,037
I want us to grow mold together.
410
00:17:49,036 --> 00:17:51,166
Aw, me, too.
411
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,211
And I'd love
to take you back, Brian,
412
00:17:53,307 --> 00:17:54,537
but if we're a couple,
that means
413
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,911
you'd have to be willing
to come on the road
414
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,080
and work the carnival with me.
415
00:17:59,213 --> 00:18:01,353
I mean, that's my life.
416
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,348
Of course.
I'm totally up for that.
417
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,050
Really?
418
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,451
Aw, that's boss!
419
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,723
Let's do it!
420
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:09,491
Okay, great, so you
do take me back?
421
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,830
Well, then, as long as we're
officially a couple again,
422
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:13,225
I have something to say.
423
00:18:13,227 --> 00:18:15,257
Amber, if you think
for one second--
424
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:19,702
Oh, my gosh, Uncle Earl, you got
to meet my new boyfriend Brian.
425
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:21,273
Good to meet you, Brian.
426
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:23,638
But don't you break
her heart, you hear?
427
00:18:23,737 --> 00:18:25,267
Last guy who treated her wrong
428
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,212
had his scrotum
nail-clippered off,
429
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,937
then got kicked to death
behind a Chick-fil-A.
430
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:32,813
I assure you, my intentions
are strictly honorable.
431
00:18:32,813 --> 00:18:34,353
Okay, then.
432
00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:38,188
I'm just telling you this as
her uncle and her ex-boyfriend.
433
00:18:44,725 --> 00:18:45,625
Check it out, Chris.
434
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:48,059
Your mom tries to turn us
against each other?
435
00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:50,361
Well, this ought to teach her
a thing or two.
436
00:18:50,364 --> 00:18:53,104
Your plan is to drop
a piano on Mom?
437
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:53,900
No, not at all.
438
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:55,971
See, your mother
loves this piano,
439
00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:57,969
and by stringing it up
in the air like this,
440
00:18:58,071 --> 00:18:59,941
she'll never be able
to touch it again.
441
00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:01,140
That's genius.
442
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,211
My plan was just to suggest
something to you halfheartedly
443
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,381
and then immediately back down
like a beta.
444
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,883
I think we should
go with my plan.
445
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,821
No, yeah,
your-your plan is better.
446
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,086
Oh, hey, you two.
What's all this?
447
00:19:12,186 --> 00:19:13,516
Don't play dumb, Mom.
448
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,760
Chris and I see you're
trying to push us apart.
449
00:19:15,856 --> 00:19:18,056
Yeah, we're your husband
and your son
450
00:19:18,058 --> 00:19:20,288
and we were actually getting
to know each other,
451
00:19:20,394 --> 00:19:24,704
but it seems like some part
of you wanted that to fail.
452
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,799
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
453
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,241
You're right.
454
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,666
I guess, at first, I felt bad
you were making fun of me,
455
00:19:31,772 --> 00:19:34,272
and then later I resented
that you'd removed me entirely
456
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:36,784
from any family decision-making.
457
00:19:36,877 --> 00:19:38,847
But what I did was awful.
458
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,476
I genuinely hope you
can forgive me.
459
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:48,521
Honestly, Lois, I'm not certain
I will be able to excuse this.
460
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:52,032
But I pray that, with time,
healing may come.
461
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:55,655
What? You do something crazy
basically once a week
462
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,262
and I always forgive you.
463
00:19:57,264 --> 00:20:00,604
Fine. Get a Mark Davis haircut
and we'll call it even.
464
00:20:01,802 --> 00:20:03,572
I hate you for this, Peter.
465
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:04,570
I know.
466
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,241
Now let's go upstairs
and have idiot sex.
467
00:20:12,613 --> 00:20:14,013
Well, these last few days--
468
00:20:14,114 --> 00:20:16,254
Ahh! Son of a bitch!
469
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,950
Dad never took the piano down.
470
00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:20,451
I think it just fell on Brian.
471
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,024
He has had a bad week.
472
00:20:23,023 --> 00:20:25,993
Anyway,
like I was saying,
473
00:20:25,993 --> 00:20:28,163
these last few days
have been quite an adventure,
474
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:30,861
but I'm just happy that
everything is back to normal.
475
00:20:30,864 --> 00:20:33,404
Yes. And now I must away
to the sea,
476
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,570
and hunt down the orca
that killed my Pappy.
477
00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:38,210
Be careful, my love,
478
00:20:38,205 --> 00:20:41,675
for no one truly knows
the secrets of the inky deep.
479
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,875
Fare thee well, my love.
480
00:20:43,877 --> 00:20:49,617
♪ I'm sailing away... ♪
481
00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:53,816
As "Come Sail Away" by Styx
begins to play,
482
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,621
Peter heads off to the harbor,
483
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,562
and we fade out.
484
00:20:57,658 --> 00:20:59,558
Thank you, Mr. Sorkin.
485
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,700
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
486
00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:12,943
♪ Come sail away with me, lads ♪
487
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,980
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
488
00:21:16,076 --> 00:21:19,506
♪ Come sail away with me ♪
489
00:21:19,513 --> 00:21:22,953
♪ Come sail away,
come sail away ♪
490
00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:26,150
♪ Come sail away with me, babe ♪
491
00:21:26,253 --> 00:21:27,693
♪ Come sail away ♪
492
00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:29,658
♪ Come sail away, come... ♪
34735
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