Original subtitles

- It's headed right for the pin.

- Oh, man.

- Why can't I hit a ball like that?

- I could answer that,

Or you could just look in the mirror.

- All right, what did I miss?

- The swedish guy is starting to choke.

- Swedish guy?

Who taught him how to swing, heidi?

- Actually, heidi was swiss.

- Get out of my chair.

- Hey, robert, can you move over a little bit, please?

- No. Take the middle. - I don't want the middle.

Gianni, you move over to the middle.

I'll go on the end. - Just sit down.

- All right, you're gonna feel a little man thigh.

How does that feel? You like that?

- Come on! Cool it already.

- People, shut up, all of you guys.

- What? What's wrong?

- Nothing. It's...

Debra's not feeling well bio...Hormonally.

- Oh...Got it.

The enemy within.

- So...Do me a favor.

Just don't do-- don't give her a reason--

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

- Hey, ray.

These were on top of the hamper.

Are they dirty, or are they clean?

- Uh, yeah, those are dirty.

- Oh, they're dir-- okay, well, then, ray,

Let me enlighten you as to how a hamper works, okay?

There's a lid on it, and that lid lifts up.

Now, you take your clothes-- not your clean clothes,

Not the clothes you're wearing right now,

But your dirty clothes--

You lift that lid, you insert the clothes,

And you shut that lid.

- Yeah. Got it. Got it.

- This is very nice, ray.

Yeah. This is very nice.

Pretzel crumbs all over the place.

- Yeah, I'm gonna clean those up.

- [laughing]

- Okay, see what I'm talking about?

Frickin' mood swings.

They find me chopped up in the freezer,

Don't believe the suicide note.

- That's a beautiful shot.

- Boy, it's a rough time of the month.

You know a lot of criminals turn themselves in

When their wives are like this?

- Look, just do me a favor.

Don't be, like, animals, all right?

I don't need-- - iceberg dead ahead.

- Coaster.

Robert, coaster.

- What?

- Need help? Need any help?

- No. I'm going to the bank, all right?

Listen, when the buzzer goes off,

Could you maybe take the clothes out of the dryer?

- Yeah. No problem. How long you gonna be?

- Why?

- Oh, nothing.

No. Take your time.

Or hurry back if you want to. It's your choice.

- [burps] ah...

I thought she'd never leave.

- Is debra aware of how she's coming off to others?

- No, she--she doesn't hear herself.

And if I bring it up to her, she gets all nuts and denies it.

That's the sickness.

- You should get her on tape and make her listen to it.

- You want to wear a wire?

I'll shave you down and hook you up.

- Why doesn't she just take something for this?

- What's she gonna take?

- Raymond, have you ever been in a drugstore, huh?

There's a whole wing dedicated to this problem.

- Yeah, all right, what am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do, buy her something?

Besides, I wouldn't even know what to get.

- Get 'em all.

- Yeah, all right.

Just don't worry about me, all right?

I'll just ride it out.

- You dumb bastard.

- What?

- Ride it out?

You put a stop to this now.

- All right, dad. All right.

- Let me ask you, she's in a bad mood what,

Two, three days tops?

Not so tough now, right?

She's gonna get a mood that lasts five days...

Then it's a week.

And before you know it,

What used to be a bad mood now takes over

And becomes her only mood.

And then...

Well, then you become like me...

Where not a day goes by

That I don't wish there was a comet

Screaming towards earth to bring me sweet relief.

- [dopey laughter]

- What's so funny?

- Dumb bastard. He's a dumb bastard.

- Hey, banjopants.

Hope you're in the mood for some delicious italian,

And I don't mean just me.

Big bag of nemo's takeout.

- Oh...

- What? I--I went by,

And I stopped, and I picked up some dinner.

I also picked up some after-dinner mints...

Which for your sake, I've already dipped into.

- But I have already started dinner, ray.

Why didn't you call me ahead of time?

- Who knows? But look, surprise.

Garlic bread.

- Well, I've made a salad, and I've cooked the rice,

But... Forget it.

We'll eat your food.

- You all right?

- Yeah...Fine.

I'm sorry. Thanks for the dinner.

- Don't worry about it.

Look, I know a lot of stuff's going on...

Feminine-ally...

You know.

I know it's-- it's not your fault.

I understand that. It's, uh...

You know, it's like a jekyll-and-hyde thing...

Only more...Hyde...

If he's the bad one.

It was hyde, right?

Whatever. Whatever.

That's yelling at my friends for making a mess

Or getting all crazy about clothes on the hamper.

I know that that's not you.

That's hyde...

If he was the bad one.

But you know what?

While--while I was out today, I got you something.

I--I really...

I want to help you feel better, you know,

And...And--and this should take care of all your...

Symptoms.

- Except for bitchy, right, ray?

- I mean, there's nothing in here for bitchy.

- Probably need a prescription for bitchy.

- Boy, this is just like you, ray.

Just when I think that you can't be any more insensitive,

You rise to the occasion.

- Hi, are the kids home yet? I've got cookies.

- Oh, mama, mom--mom, please, just go home.

It's not a good time--

- It's okay. She can stay if she wants.

I'm not afraid if she hears this.

- Jekyll would be.

- Tell you what, I cannot...

Take this anymore, okay?

You make a huge mess, you don't help me at all,

You invite your friends over

To drive me crazy all day,

And all you can think of is, "oh, she must have pms.

Let's just load her up with drugs."

- No. It's got st. John's warts in it.

- I can't believe you.

If there's ever anything wrong, it's pms, huh?

Sometimes--I just-- I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I just want to smack you.

- Debra's right, raymond.

- You smacked me. - I know I did. I'm sorry.

- Well, what--uh-- what you do that for?

- It's just that it sounds like you're becoming

Just like your father.

- What are you doing? - I don't know.

I don't know. It's just that...

He was so awful during my...

Ladies' days.

Anytime I happened to make a comment

About his usual disgusting behavior,

He would just blame it on that.

- That's what ray does. - That's what they all do.

- What are you talking about?

Look, I'm just trying to help.

- You should be quiet. - Yes.

Yes. Oh, no.

He is trying to help.

Look what he bought me. Magic pills, huh?

Maybe I should try some.

[gulping] mmm. Oh, look.

Ray's clothes just flew off the bed

And into the hamper.

These really work.

- Oh. Let me have one.

Ohh...Frank's toenails

Just crawled right into the garbage can.

- What are you doing, mom? It's me. Raymie.

- Raymond, you know that I always let you two

Fight your own battles, but I can't let you go on

With this cycle of your father's imbecility.

- I'm out of here.

- Oh, come on. Where you going?

- I'm leaving too. I'm gonna talk to your father.

- Oh, please, come on. Debra, debra, please.

- Raymond, don't you say one more word,

Or I'm gonna send your mother right back in here

To smack the crap out of you.

- The three-game series is even at one apiece.

- Hi.

- Oh, you're home.

Did you have a good time?

- Yeah.

- What'd you do?

- I told you. I went shopping with amy.

- Shopping? For 5 hours?

Where are your shopping bags?

- I didn't buy anything.

Then we went back to amy's and, you know, just sat around,

Talking, relaxing.

- Oh, sitting around, talking, relaxing, yeah.

You want to hear my evening?

I fed the kids dinner: Peanut butter and jelly.

Then I gave 'em a bath, 'cause they were covered

In peanut butter and jelly.

Then I'm mean, because I won't let them sleep in a tree house,

And then they went to bed yelling and screaming.

So that was my evening.

Thank you very much.

- Well, that's my evening every night, so--

- Oh, don't even.

You just wanted me to suffer tonight.

- What? - Yes. It's not fair.

You get to walk out and do whatever you want,

And--and-- let's just say it--

Use your "ladies' days" as an excuse

To treat me rotten every month.

- My needing to get out of here once in a while

Has nothing to do with my "ladies' days."

- Bull-loney.

- What?

- Baloney.

You want to see? 'cause I don't care, okay?

I tried to be nice, and that doesn't work.

Here. Look at this. You see this date?

That's today. Now, this is last month.

What a coincidence that on the same day last month,

I found my golf clubs upside down in the garbage can.

I'm telling you, I'm sick of this, all right?

Every month the-- the same wacko screaming at me

For no reason, having meltdowns and crying,

Crying over nothing.

And god forbid I should mention what might be the problem.

You know what I think?

I think that you enjoy your ladies' days,

Because you think I deserve to be treated like this.

"oh, look what day it is.

Oh, come here, ray."

Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow.

"oh, oh, I've been saving that up."

And then after a couple days of that,

You're like, "oh, sorry, ray.

I was just a little bit, heh, you know."

And by the way, the next time I used those clubs,

I shot a 110, so don't think I don't know

You didn't put a curse on them.

- You are out of your mind.

- No, you are... Once a month.

How come you don't treat me like this on all the other days?

- I treat you just fine, ray.

You're just mad, 'cause you had to spend

One lousy night with the kids.

- Oh, so you don't get crazy this time of month?

- No. - You remain perfectly calm,

Don't overreact, don't treat me meanly,

Or yell at me like a screaming, raving maniac.

- No, I do not.

- 4:38 today...

Right when the guys went home.

- I've told you 8 million times when you empty the dryer,

You clean the lint screen.

Look at all this lint.

What, do you like lint, ray?

Maybe I'll get you some for your birthday.

Happy birthday, ray. Here's your lint.

- I just thought you'd, you know,

Want to hear what you sound like

When you're like this.

Okay?

- You are a gigantic ass.

- 10:32, "gigantic ass."

Listen, I'm sorry.

I know what it's like to hear yourself on tape.

I remember when I heard my first radio interview.

First of all, I sounded like snuffleupagus.

I said, "do I really sound like that?" and andy said--

- Oh, would you stop it.

I'm not crying because of what I sound like.

I'm crying because I'm married to an insensitive durfwad

Who instead of trying to make life better for his wife,

Tape-records her so he has proof that she's a terrible person.

- What's a durfwad?

- What, was that tape for the guys, huh?

You gonna play it for the guys?

"hey, come on, fellas, step right up

And listen to the witch who killed my good time."

- No. No. It's just for us.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Where's my tape recorder, ray?

When I was in labor with the twins for 36 hours,

And you were asking the nurse if the tv gets espn?

- Well, I mean, 36 hours, that's not a short time.

- Yeah. Guess what.

It's even longer when you're trying to push

Two human beings out of your body

"does this hospital have fudgesicles?"

Yeah, where's my tape recorder, huh?

Or when you ask me why I get so upset

Because I find your underpants in the kitchen, huh?

Or when you started snoring at my grandmother's funeral?

Or when you taped a football game

Over our wedding video?

- Do you--do you really need a tape recorder?

You seem to remember everything.

- Yeah.

That's right, ray. I remember everything.

And I'm not gonna forget, either.

- Honey, I think you make some excellent points here,

But I can't help wondering that, you know,

Maybe part of the reason you're so upset right now

Might possibly be pms-related.

- Would somebody get me a tape recorder,

- Look, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

- Yeah. Yeah. No kidding.

Listen, if I had pms-- and I'm not saying that I have--

Is that how you help me?

By taping me, by telling me I have pms?

That doesn't help me, ray. That doesn't help me.

- Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know what to do.

Show me what to do. Just draw it out for me.

- Have you ever thought about giving me a hug?

- A hug.

Did you ever think of hugging me, you jerk?

- Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone

Who's trying to kill you.

- Yeah, well, it never occurred to you.

You've never even tried it before.

- Well, look. This is not huggable.

This--this is not debra.

This is the woman who shows up once a month

To rip into me like a monkey on a cupcake.

All right, that's it.

That's the reason I taped you:

And maybe admit that there might be a problem

That isn't just me being a dorkwang or whatever.

[telephone rings]

- Hello?

Hi, amy.

Yeah. Yeah.

You went back for that dress?

How much was it?

Oh. You are so bad.

Yeah. Right. Right. Right.

Oh, god. I know. Me too. Me too.

Oh, my god.

Okay, well, listen. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

- Feeling better?

- She's so funny.

- Yeah, she is.

Could we put her number on speed dial?

- Listen, ray.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I guess I am a little, you know.

- Well, I didn't want to say anything.

- Listen, I...

I--I don't mean to-- to lay into you like that.

- I know. I know. I know.

- Come on. Sit. - No. It's okay.

- Ray.

Honey, listen.

I need a little understanding, just a little caring.

I need to know that, you know,

If I'm going through a rough time,

That--that you're there for me,

And that you want to, you know,

Just take care of me.

- I do want to.

You're my girl.

- I love you, ray.

- Oh, god, you're a mess.

- I know.

- Listen, you want to just try those pills that I got you?

'cause I really just want you to feel better.

- Yeah, I know, but I just want you to know that,

You know, no pill is gonna solve everything.

- I mean, do you have any idea what goes on in here?

- Yeah. Let me just get 'em. - I know, but--

You know, yes, there's all these emotions--

Believe me. Listen. I'm very into all of that.

Let me get the pills.

- Here we go. Hmm?

Here we go. It's okay. It's okay.

Look, it's, "for bloating--

For bloating, cramps," and, oh, right there,

"irritability associated with pms."

We have a winner.

Goes great with ginger ale.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

What? Hey. Come on.

- Why don't you just lock me in the attic

For a few days?

- What?

You, you're the one who said, "hug me."

The hug was your idea.

[sighs]

Come on, comet.

- So you think I'm just rude and insensitive,

That I'm so tough to live with,

And you're the queen of sheba?

Did you ever hear yourself?

Well, in case you haven't,

Here's a little trick that my boy raymond taught me.

I said, "where's my eggs?"

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Here, here. Wait a minute. Here, here it is.

What?. It's just my feet. They're not dirty.

Aw, crap.

You scared you're gonna hear something you don't like?

If I scratch it, it's because it itches.