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CHAP:
Ch-Ch-Cheerio!
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00:00:09,103 --> 00:00:10,523
And welcome to tonight's
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00:00:10,620 --> 00:00:12,100
Bareknuckle Boxing
Championship bout,
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00:00:12,206 --> 00:00:14,066
where the action is set
to get underway
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00:00:14,172 --> 00:00:16,452
in just a matter
of metric seconds.
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00:00:16,551 --> 00:00:18,761
In one corner,
we've got the champ himself,
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00:00:18,862 --> 00:00:20,792
the undefeated
Prince of Punches,
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00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:24,376
the Lord of Long Armspan,
Punchy Dunkins.
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00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,242
And our challenger...
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00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:27,968
[drumroll]
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00:00:28,068 --> 00:00:29,688
...Pee-Wee Pipsqueak.
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00:00:29,793 --> 00:00:31,283
[man coughs]
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00:00:31,379 --> 00:00:34,899
Please get prepared
for some pugilism!
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00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,280
[cheering]
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00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,589
Now let's watch
as Pee-Wee is pummeled
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00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:41,279
into human jam
before our very eyes.
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00:00:44,103 --> 00:00:46,213
- [crowd gasps]
- Down goes Punchy!
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00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:49,380
Eight, nine. Cock and hen.
It's a knockout!
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00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:52,552
[bell dings] -And Pipsqueak
has defeated the champ.
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00:00:52,655 --> 00:00:54,275
Unbelievable!
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Yeah, he went down
like a ton of bricks.
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00:01:01,827 --> 00:01:03,237
So, what's the gig, Nigella?
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00:01:03,344 --> 00:01:05,244
You hiring us to look
for that coffee filter
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00:01:05,344 --> 00:01:06,934
Shakespeare called a collar?
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00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,314
His Elizabethan Ruff?
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00:01:08,413 --> 00:01:09,693
That's actually
rather a good idea.
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00:01:09,793 --> 00:01:10,973
I'll make a note, but no.
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I've someone
I'd like you to meet.
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The Lord of Long Armspan?!
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Let me guess. He's a big,
scary guy, but when he talks,
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00:01:18,172 --> 00:01:20,592
he has a funny voice
like Mike Tyson.
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[high-pitched voice]:
'Ello. Nice to meet you.
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I was right! -Punchy,
tell them what you told me.
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Well, everybody knows
me training ritual.
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I've one very strict rule: no
shags the night before a fight.
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That's right. You abstain
from sex before boxing
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because it saps your strength.
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00:01:39,103 --> 00:01:41,413
On the eve of the championship,
I called for room service.
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00:01:41,517 --> 00:01:43,207
- An order of crisps...
- Chips.
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- And an order of chips.
- Fries.
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Even though I knew the carbs'd
go straight to me fanny.
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- U.S. or U.K.? Butt.
- U.S.
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When the bellman arrived
in me room,
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he started reciting a poem.
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I-I don't recall the words,
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but it was quite beautiful, actually.
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And-and by the time
he finished,
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I, uh... I climaxed.
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00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,720
Well, then, I guess
the legend 'tis true.
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00:01:59,827 --> 00:02:03,027
Someone has found
Shakespeare's Lost Sonnet.
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00:02:03,137 --> 00:02:04,477
Okay, I'm going
to need you to...
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[imitates tape rewinding]
...rewind.
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00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:09,590
Okay, that was very cool.
Now, here comes the explanation.
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There have long been whispers
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that the immortal Bard once
wrote a sonnet so romantic,
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00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:16,144
so passionate,
so heartbreakingly amorous,
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00:02:16,241 --> 00:02:18,661
that simply hearing it
would cause any listener
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to become aroused to the point
of biological climax on sight.
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00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,445
- You mean shoot ropes?
- Precisely, yes.
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00:02:25,551 --> 00:02:27,691
Wow. I knew he wrote
the source material
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00:02:27,793 --> 00:02:30,283
for 10 Things I Hate About You,
but he also wrote a poem?
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When he realized
the sonnet's power,
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00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:33,859
he hid it away from the world.
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00:02:33,965 --> 00:02:36,065
I'd never encountered any proof
of its existence,
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00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:39,342
but like a casual Fleetwood Mac
fan, I'd heard rumors.
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00:02:39,448 --> 00:02:41,898
And now let me guess.
You want us to track it down
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00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,030
so you can keep it safe
within your archives.
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00:02:44,137 --> 00:02:46,687
Would a rose by any other name
smell as sweet?
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00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:49,623
I can't help
but imagine it would.
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00:02:50,655 --> 00:02:52,685
โช โช
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00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:14,825
โช โช
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00:03:25,827 --> 00:03:27,967
- [phone ringing]
- Talk to me, Agatha.
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00:03:28,068 --> 00:03:30,478
Rip, I called
every London bookie I know
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00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,966
and found only one
sizeable bet placed
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00:03:32,068 --> 00:03:33,928
on that little guy
the night of the fight.
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00:03:34,034 --> 00:03:36,934
The bettor used a pseudonym,
but called from a local pub
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00:03:37,034 --> 00:03:38,454
where a bunch
of stage actors hang out
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00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:39,791
called "The Broken Keg,"
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00:03:39,896 --> 00:03:41,586
which is actually
a pretty novel name.
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00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,829
So I better put down the phone
and laugh for a moment.
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00:03:43,931 --> 00:03:45,521
[laughs softly]
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00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:47,970
Looks like I'm going
to have to go undercover.
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00:03:48,068 --> 00:03:50,828
And when I go in, I go all in.
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00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,171
Rip, no. Every time
you go undercover,
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00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,205
you get in too deep,
and you can't come back.
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00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:57,280
- Well, that's ridiculous.
- No, it's not!
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00:03:57,379 --> 00:03:59,549
What about
the Winnipeg incident?
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00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:02,375
This is nothing like
the Winnipeg incident.
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00:04:02,482 --> 00:04:04,242
- What's the Winnipeg incident?
- I'm sorry,
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00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,104
but you're just gonna have
to trust my instincts here.
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00:04:06,206 --> 00:04:08,686
Don't like it? There's the door.
There's a complaint box on it.
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00:04:08,793 --> 00:04:10,213
You're welcome
to drop a complaint in it.
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00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:11,550
You better believe I will.
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00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:12,855
Your instincts
nearly got you killed.
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00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,855
But they didn't!
Instead, they paid
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00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:16,585
for that Starbucks gift card
you're always reloading
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00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,169
for double the points.
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00:04:18,275 --> 00:04:20,405
- Guys, come on! You're friends!
- I'll kill you!
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I'll have you arrested
for homicide. -Guys!
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00:04:22,310 --> 00:04:26,380
Fine, fine! But as of right now,
I am no longer Rip Digman.
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00:04:26,482 --> 00:04:29,722
The name's Doobie.
Doobie McBooberton.
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00:04:29,827 --> 00:04:31,517
Maybe we can work on the name?
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00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:35,550
Oh, now even she's coming at me.
Jesus Christ!
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00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:39,446
[rock music plays quietly]
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[British accent]:
16 ounces of beer, please.
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Okay, here's a tongue twister
for you.
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Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow. [groans]
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00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:52,025
[crowd cheers, applauds]
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00:04:52,137 --> 00:04:53,897
A proper pot of coffee
in a proper coffee pot.
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The pot acts all posh,
but we know they are not.
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- [crowd cheers, applauds]
- Ha!
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- [growls]
- Got a problem, mate?
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I hear you laughing, but
I don't see anyone performing
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- The Taming of the Shrew.
- It's your friends.
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00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:08,898
Their words couldn't twist
the tongue of a toddler!
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00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,380
Well, if you think you can
do better, the stage is yours.
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00:05:12,482 --> 00:05:15,072
Unless it gives you... fright.
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[gulping]
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Saltine, Swooper,
bail me out here!
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"World's hardest
tongue twister."
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Got it. Repeat after me.
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A biscuit baker...
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Mixed a box of biscuits
in his mixer.
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"Mixed biscuits?"
cried the baker.
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00:05:27,172 --> 00:05:29,002
- The mix betwixt the mixer.
- SALTINE: Ow!
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- [muffled]: My tongue!
- She sprained her tongue, Rip.
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- You got to take it from here.
- Well.
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Ah. [laughs]
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[takes deep breath]
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So the biscuit baker mixed
the mixes in his biscuit mixer
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as Seabiscuit sold his semen
by the seashore by the liter.
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Lighted by the light
on the ledger by the lighter,
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00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:46,974
the letter read more lightly
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00:05:47,068 --> 00:05:49,688
than a lady lightly looming
lollies littered on a sweater.
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00:05:49,793 --> 00:05:51,213
"Better wetter,"
said the swimmer,
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00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,860
who was drier but not slimmer,
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00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:54,825
and as limber as the timber
of a soggy finger splinter.
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00:05:54,931 --> 00:05:56,661
"Time for dinner,
David Schwimmer!"
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00:05:56,758 --> 00:05:58,858
said the weary biscuit mixer,
whose elixir was a fixer
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00:05:58,965 --> 00:06:01,375
and a fixture in the picture
of the scripture for the richer,
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00:06:01,482 --> 00:06:02,762
not the poorer.
"Pour the mixture
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00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,032
"with a soggy swimmer's
sweater texture
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00:06:04,137 --> 00:06:06,997
sprinkled by a sprinkler!"
[panting]
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No notes.
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- [whoops] Brilliant!
- [cheering]
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His tongue-- it has nary a knot!
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00:06:15,551 --> 00:06:18,031
That twister would please
Thespis himself.
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00:06:18,137 --> 00:06:21,477
- What's your name?
- Fourth. Wally Fourth.
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00:06:21,586 --> 00:06:23,476
Come rehearse with us.
The Englandshire Theater,
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00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,166
tomorrow night at 10:00.
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00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:27,375
- Thank you, ten.
- SWOOPER: Rip,
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- you did it!
- Rip? Who's Rip?
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Oh, right. Me.
Almost got in too deep.
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00:06:31,827 --> 00:06:34,067
- [ominous sting plays]
- [phone beeps]
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- Sorry. That's my ringtone.
- Yeah, you should change that.
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00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,410
It gives me a great sense
of unease!
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SWOOPER: Okay, Rip,
once you're inside, all you
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got to do is locate and extract
that missing sonnet.
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00:06:46,551 --> 00:06:48,341
Don't get sucked in
by his charisma.
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00:06:48,448 --> 00:06:50,138
Come on, Swooper.
What do you take me for?
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I'm serious, Rip!
Saltine, I think
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he's going to be fine.
The guy is rock solid.
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Wally Fourth,
welcome to our humble home.
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Quite chic.
How'd you land such a fit flat?
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00:07:02,068 --> 00:07:05,758
Well, let's just say it was
thanks to a recent lucky bet.
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- [laughter]
- Everyone, lend me your ears.
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00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:12,477
For too long, we have
toiled as understudies,
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00:07:12,586 --> 00:07:14,376
always waiting in the wings.
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00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:16,382
We deserve the spotlight.
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00:07:16,482 --> 00:07:18,282
Wow. This guy's
charismatic as shit.
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00:07:18,379 --> 00:07:22,169
But soon, we understudies
shall become overstudies.
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00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,375
And we shall mount
the greatest production
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of Hamlet
the world has ever seen.
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We've already secured
the greatest stage.
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00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,002
Next, the greatest prop.
For you see,
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00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:34,313
playing the part
of Yorick's skull will be...
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00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,523
the skull of The Bard himself.
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00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,620
But isn't that
at the Shakespeare Museum?
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00:07:39,724 --> 00:07:42,934
Exactly. So we'll just
have to liberate it.
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00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:44,694
- Are you in?
- SALTINE: No! Stay behind
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00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:46,003
and look for the sonnet, Rip!
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00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:48,243
SWOOPER:
Don't betray the plan!
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00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,864
You bet I am.
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00:07:49,965 --> 00:07:51,785
Then let's go fetch
that head bone.
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00:07:51,896 --> 00:07:54,786
- [whooping, cheering]
- Ha, ha! Yes!
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00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,240
The skull is yonder. -SWOOPER:
Rip, what are you doing?!
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00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,834
We're supposed to be working
for Nigella, not robbing her.
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00:08:00,931 --> 00:08:02,411
You don't think
I see the irony in this?
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00:08:02,517 --> 00:08:03,827
Come on, Wally.
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00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:07,281
Most excellent fancy.
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00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:08,619
Hey! What's all this, then?!
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00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,764
I'll give you one chance
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00:08:10,862 --> 00:08:13,452
to put down your weapons
and lay on the floor.
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00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:16,071
- Or else what?
- Or else... this.
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00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:17,662
Wally, put these on!
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00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,448
[clears throat]
"Such sweeter form."
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00:08:20,551 --> 00:08:23,861
- [continues reading sonnet]
- GRACE: Now, Wally, put them on!
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00:08:23,965 --> 00:08:25,335
- [muffled chatter]
- [Rip panting]
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00:08:25,448 --> 00:08:27,478
- We lost sound!
- Don't panic!
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00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:28,996
- Too late! Oh!
- [glass breaks]
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00:08:29,103 --> 00:08:33,343
- [indistinct, muffled chatter]
- [Rip panting]
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00:08:33,448 --> 00:08:36,518
[whimpers, pants]
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00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,410
[muffled groaning]
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00:08:39,517 --> 00:08:40,657
[both sigh]
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00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:42,278
- [laughter]
- [glass breaking]
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00:08:42,379 --> 00:08:44,899
Come, Wally. Let's make haste.
207
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,760
- To us-- The Understudies!
- [others cheering]
208
00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:49,522
- Yeah!
- MAN: Hear! Hear!
209
00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:51,170
Hey, Seb, say,
what even is that?
210
00:08:51,275 --> 00:08:53,445
Oh, just something
I found tucked away inside
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00:08:53,551 --> 00:08:54,661
- a very old book.
- Oh.
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00:08:54,758 --> 00:08:56,238
And where do you
usually keep it?
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00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:59,104
[chuckles] That is something
I'll take to the grave.
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00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,586
I like the way you handled
yourself today, Wally.
215
00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:04,339
You're one of us now.
216
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:08,760
Good night, my friend.
Parting is such sweet...
217
00:09:08,862 --> 00:09:10,142
Well, you know the rest.
218
00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:12,141
- [laughs]
- Sorrow.
219
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:15,101
[gasps]
I am an actor.
220
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,551
Rip, where have you been?
221
00:09:18,655 --> 00:09:20,615
Oh, I think
you've got the wrong chap.
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00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:24,144
The name's Fourth. Wally Fourth.
223
00:09:25,206 --> 00:09:27,236
[indistinct chatter]
224
00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:30,974
Attention! The time has come
to unveil the cast list
225
00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:33,338
for our most epic production
of Hamlet.
226
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,518
Behold!
227
00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:37,480
- [gasps]
- Ooh.
228
00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:39,306
Gravedigger Number Two.
229
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,553
You may not have many lines,
but remember, for an actor,
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00:09:41,655 --> 00:09:44,585
there's no such thing
as a small role.
231
00:09:44,689 --> 00:09:46,099
- I agree!
- Thank you, man with headband.
232
00:09:46,206 --> 00:09:47,786
I can't believe
we get to perform Hamlet
233
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:49,376
with Shakespeare's actual skull.
234
00:09:49,482 --> 00:09:52,172
That's got to be the most
extreme acting there is.
235
00:09:52,275 --> 00:09:53,545
No, it's not.
236
00:09:53,655 --> 00:09:55,065
All right, here he goes again
with his myth.
237
00:09:55,172 --> 00:09:57,792
Oh, 'tis no myth!
Every 50 years,
238
00:09:57,896 --> 00:10:00,586
a majorly mondo tempest
comes out of Antarctica
239
00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,409
and blasts the South Pacific.
240
00:10:02,517 --> 00:10:04,717
The most extreme acting
would be to perform The Tempest
241
00:10:04,827 --> 00:10:07,067
in that tempest.
242
00:10:07,172 --> 00:10:09,832
It's happening next year.
All are invited, Wally.
243
00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:11,551
- Then I'd better leave.
- Where are you going?
244
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:14,925
To find work as a gravedigger
and truly live the role.
245
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:18,284
For you see, when I go in,
I doth go all in.
246
00:10:18,379 --> 00:10:21,239
Welcome back to
ArkyTAINMENT This Evening!
247
00:10:21,344 --> 00:10:24,594
The theater world is abuzz
with, well, buzz
248
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,619
about actor Wally Fourth.
249
00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,284
Wally Fourth's turn
as Gravedigger Number Two
250
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:33,279
is the greatest non-Joker
performance I've ever seen.
251
00:10:33,379 --> 00:10:34,829
DOREEN DONKER JR:
And once the reviews were in,
252
00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:37,071
the television industry
came a-calling.
253
00:10:37,172 --> 00:10:39,102
Wally walked
100 kilometers a day
254
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,096
for the one-line role
of Pedestrian
255
00:10:41,206 --> 00:10:44,586
in the hit BBC drama Small Cars
Driving in the Left Lane.
256
00:10:44,689 --> 00:10:46,099
He went that way.
257
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:48,066
He broke his own wrist
for the role
258
00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:49,932
of Waiting Room Patient
in the show
259
00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:51,794
Feeling a Bit Iffy, Are We?
260
00:10:51,896 --> 00:10:54,236
before a last-minute rewrite
changed the injury.
261
00:10:54,344 --> 00:10:56,244
Hi. I think
I broke my collarbone.
262
00:10:56,344 --> 00:10:57,554
What's next for Wally?
263
00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:59,825
Well, he's just been cast
as Denim-Clad Dad
264
00:10:59,931 --> 00:11:01,621
in a commercial
for Eegan Blue Jeans.
265
00:11:01,724 --> 00:11:02,934
And to prepare for the role,
266
00:11:03,034 --> 00:11:05,034
he's already adopted
a small child.
267
00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:09,167
- We've lost him.
- That's so, so, so sad.
268
00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:10,995
Dibs on his flat-screen.
269
00:11:14,896 --> 00:11:16,786
- Okay, Rip's birth certificate?
- Toss it.
270
00:11:16,896 --> 00:11:18,926
- Rip's beloved childhood sled?
- Toss it.
271
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:21,384
I just don't see
how this is necessary.
272
00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:24,622
Rip's gone, dear. I got
to get all his belongings logged
273
00:11:24,724 --> 00:11:27,834
and incinerated by the end
of the month for tax purposes.
274
00:11:27,931 --> 00:11:29,621
- Rip's petty cash?
- Toss it.
275
00:11:29,724 --> 00:11:31,594
Wait. How did Rip come back
from the Winnipeg incident?
276
00:11:31,689 --> 00:11:34,549
I told you never to say those
words around me ever again!
277
00:11:34,655 --> 00:11:35,995
- No, you didn't!
- Well, I meant to!
278
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:38,003
He finished
the original mission.
279
00:11:38,103 --> 00:11:41,033
He said that made him remember
his true purpose in life--
280
00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,757
to become the greatest
arky of all time.
281
00:11:43,862 --> 00:11:45,522
After that, he was Rip again.
282
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:46,860
So if he came back last time,
283
00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,585
why are you guys
giving up so easily?
284
00:11:48,689 --> 00:11:50,069
Shouldn't we be trying
to save him?
285
00:11:50,172 --> 00:11:51,832
Saltine,
he's a famous actor now.
286
00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:53,281
He doesn't want to be saved.
287
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,589
It's clearly simpler
to just burn everything
288
00:11:55,689 --> 00:11:57,479
and start our lives over
from scratch.
289
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,966
Screw that. I worked too hard
to get this job.
290
00:12:00,068 --> 00:12:02,068
If he came back once,
he can come back again.
291
00:12:02,172 --> 00:12:04,242
We just need Wally
to pick up where Rip left off
292
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:06,414
and find the sonnet
for the Shakespeare Museum.
293
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,827
And how are we going to get
showbiz's hottest method actor
294
00:12:09,931 --> 00:12:12,001
- to do that?
- [gasps] I know what we can do.
295
00:12:12,103 --> 00:12:13,863
That's great, dear.
We'll get on it
296
00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:15,585
as soon as we finish up here.
297
00:12:15,689 --> 00:12:17,209
- Rip's stick of dynamite?
- Toss it.
298
00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:18,900
- [dramatic music plays]
- ZANE: Honor,
299
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,900
heritage, tradition,
300
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,170
a rooster weather vein.
301
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,335
Eegan Blue Jeans,
one of the 7,200 subsidiaries
302
00:12:26,448 --> 00:12:27,828
of EeganCorp.
303
00:12:27,931 --> 00:12:29,861
And cut. Great take.
304
00:12:29,965 --> 00:12:31,515
I'm so glad
I directed this myself.
305
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:34,280
You're Wally Fourth, right?
Ah, your aces, bruv.
306
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,999
You know, you'd be a dead ringer
for my old boss Rip Digman,
307
00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:39,073
if you didn't have that scar
or dark hair.
308
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,382
Bet you do, so, never mind. Uh,
you want to party after we wrap?
309
00:12:41,482 --> 00:12:42,622
Don't know what
you're talking about.
310
00:12:42,724 --> 00:12:44,034
I'm just a modest farmer.
311
00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:45,407
I got to tend to my dying crops
312
00:12:45,517 --> 00:12:47,377
and my beloved
little young boy son.
313
00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,312
- You do your homework, lad?
- I swear I did, Pop. I promise.
314
00:12:50,413 --> 00:12:52,413
Actually, you know what?
I think I got all I need.
315
00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:53,927
- That's a wrap.
- Whoo!
316
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,414
[British accent]:
Let's fucking rage!
317
00:12:55,517 --> 00:12:57,717
- Back to the orphanage, bub.
- But you adopted me.
318
00:12:57,827 --> 00:12:59,517
- No, Denim-Clad Dad adopted you.
- [phone rings]
319
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:01,480
[boy cries] -Hold on.
This is my agent. Talk to me.
320
00:13:01,586 --> 00:13:03,306
A film? Brilliant!
321
00:13:03,413 --> 00:13:04,593
SWOOPER [with gruff voice]:
Wally Fourth.
322
00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,099
Just the man I want to see.
323
00:13:06,206 --> 00:13:08,756
I'm Don Sleaze,
and here at Sleaze Pictures,
324
00:13:08,862 --> 00:13:11,692
we make highbrow art films
that take home Oscar gold.
325
00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:13,343
Huh. The name is misleading.
326
00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:16,278
We've got the perfect project
for you to sink your teeth into.
327
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,279
- Bring me the script.
- I'm Jill Filth!
328
00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:20,069
Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Fourth.
329
00:13:20,172 --> 00:13:22,002
Ooh, look at that physique.
330
00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:25,553
You'd be perfect for this.
Boopy de doopsy!
331
00:13:25,655 --> 00:13:28,025
The Rip Digman Story.
Hot off the press.
332
00:13:28,137 --> 00:13:30,897
We want youse
to play Rip Digman.
333
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,930
The has-been arky? Interesting.
334
00:13:33,034 --> 00:13:36,694
But if I take this role, I am
going to live as Rip Digman.
335
00:13:36,793 --> 00:13:38,003
Do you think
you could hook me up
336
00:13:38,103 --> 00:13:39,483
with his old coworkers
for research?
337
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,896
Oh, I think
that could be arranged.
338
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:41,930
That should be
no problem at all.
339
00:13:42,034 --> 00:13:43,764
Is this how he walks?
340
00:13:43,862 --> 00:13:45,312
[grunting]
341
00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:46,693
[chittering]
342
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,103
โช โช
343
00:13:50,310 --> 00:13:53,210
- How about this? [grunting]
- [chittering]
344
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:56,210
The seat goes up for number one
and down for number two.
345
00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:58,100
I'm sorry. I just don't follow.
346
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:00,136
Oh, what about
something like...?
347
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:01,791
- Ooh! [grunts]
- [chittering]
348
00:14:01,896 --> 00:14:03,516
[normal voice]:
Okay, very funny.
349
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,280
Hey, I sound just like him.
350
00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:07,279
[snoring] -I got to say,
I'm feeling more and more
351
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,759
like this Rip chap all the time.
352
00:14:09,862 --> 00:14:11,482
Wish I had a little more
backstory, though.
353
00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:13,166
W-What was he doing
before he disappeared?
354
00:14:13,275 --> 00:14:15,235
He was trying to find
Shakespeare's lost sonnet
355
00:14:15,344 --> 00:14:16,974
by infiltrating
a production of Hamlet.
356
00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:18,278
Maybe you could
complete the mission.
357
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,099
An undercover job, eh?
Let me guess.
358
00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:22,136
When Rip would go in,
he'd go all...
359
00:14:22,241 --> 00:14:24,971
No! Rip would only
ever go partially in.
360
00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:26,408
You can just be Rip.
361
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:27,757
He never learned
where the sonnet was hidden.
362
00:14:27,862 --> 00:14:29,102
But the actor who had it said
363
00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:30,476
he'd take that info
"to the grave."
364
00:14:30,586 --> 00:14:32,026
Well, if it's a production
of Hamlet,
365
00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:34,307
maybe he meant Ophelia's grave.
366
00:14:34,413 --> 00:14:36,693
- Beneath the stage!
- Swoopy, fire up the plane.
367
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,453
We're headed to London, England.
368
00:14:39,551 --> 00:14:41,211
It's "Swooper," but okay.
369
00:14:42,551 --> 00:14:45,241
Hey, hey, you're the actors
who are doing Hamlet, right?
370
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:46,794
Indeed.
371
00:14:46,896 --> 00:14:49,136
Bartender, I'd like to buy
these kind folks a round...
372
00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:51,761
- of steaming hot piss!
- What the devil?!
373
00:14:51,862 --> 00:14:53,482
The person you've got playing
Gravedigger Number Two
374
00:14:53,586 --> 00:14:55,476
can't act for shit.
There, I said it.
375
00:14:55,586 --> 00:14:58,476
'Tis true.
Ever since Wally left,
376
00:14:58,586 --> 00:15:01,206
we've been going through
one replacement after another.
377
00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:02,690
The play is terrible now.
378
00:15:02,793 --> 00:15:05,033
You're right
to order piss for us to drink.
379
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,717
Why don't you let me
play the part?
380
00:15:06,827 --> 00:15:08,137
I'm a goddamn arky.
381
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,031
Wait just a Big Ben tick.
382
00:15:10,137 --> 00:15:11,517
Aren't you Rip Digman?
383
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:14,000
Yup. My whole life
is going on digs.
384
00:15:14,103 --> 00:15:17,933
Good Lord, you're right. Hell,
even your name is "dig man."
385
00:15:18,034 --> 00:15:20,694
Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it?
Never really put that together.
386
00:15:20,793 --> 00:15:22,723
This is so mental,
387
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:25,927
it just may bloody work.
388
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,210
[indistinct chatter]
389
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:30,970
I pray this
isn't utterly dreadful.
390
00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:34,377
Looks like the trap door where
the sonnet is hidden is locked.
391
00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:36,172
But I think
I know a way around it.
392
00:15:36,275 --> 00:15:37,615
SWOOPER: Maybe we can get it
after the show.
393
00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:39,664
No, I've got a better idea.
394
00:15:40,793 --> 00:15:42,693
[applause]
395
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,833
Get thee to... a nunnery!
396
00:15:45,931 --> 00:15:49,071
Where is the beauteous majesty...
397
00:15:49,172 --> 00:15:51,452
of Denmark?
398
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,761
- Showtime, mate.
- Let's give these boards
399
00:15:53,862 --> 00:15:55,482
the trodding of their lives.
400
00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:57,586
Is she to be buried
in Christian burial,
401
00:15:57,689 --> 00:15:59,759
that willfully seeks
her own salvation?
402
00:15:59,862 --> 00:16:01,552
Yup! Let's dig!
403
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,855
- [audience gasping]
- Go, get thee in,
404
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:05,655
and fetch me a stoop of liquor.
405
00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:08,168
Actually, I shall not
fetch thee a stoop.
406
00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:10,655
I shall continue... to dig!
407
00:16:10,758 --> 00:16:12,758
[gasps]
What the hell are you doing?!
408
00:16:12,862 --> 00:16:15,342
What I do best. [grunts]
409
00:16:15,448 --> 00:16:17,548
- Aha!
- Dear God, no.
410
00:16:17,655 --> 00:16:20,275
[grunts]
En garde, Rip Digman!
411
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:23,309
[laughs] Wow.
Break the fourth wall much?
412
00:16:27,517 --> 00:16:29,307
- Parry! Fleche! Flunge!
- [grunts]
413
00:16:29,413 --> 00:16:30,663
- Uh, guys, am I good at fencing?
- [grunting]
414
00:16:30,758 --> 00:16:32,548
- SALTINE: No.
- Oh, that's too bad,
415
00:16:32,655 --> 00:16:34,515
because Wally just completed
an expert-level fencing course.
416
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,280
But I will not draw
upon those skills.
417
00:16:36,379 --> 00:16:37,789
- Ugh.
- You didn't know that!
418
00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:39,206
How could you have known that?!
419
00:16:39,310 --> 00:16:41,070
- [grunts]
- [audience gasping]
420
00:16:41,172 --> 00:16:43,312
- It's Wally Fourth!
- [applause and cheering]
421
00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:45,243
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Rip! I'm Rip!
422
00:16:45,344 --> 00:16:47,454
- Give me the sonnet.
- [grunting]
423
00:16:47,551 --> 00:16:50,411
You're going to jail. -I don't
care what happens to me,
424
00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:52,517
but this sonnet
shouldn't be locked away.
425
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,760
Let me read it,
here, now, for the people.
426
00:16:55,862 --> 00:16:59,242
I know the real Wally
is in there somewhere.
427
00:16:59,344 --> 00:17:01,074
Don't let him
have that sonnet, Rip!
428
00:17:02,931 --> 00:17:05,281
[British accent]:
The name's Wally, not Rip.
429
00:17:05,379 --> 00:17:06,659
Oh, goddamn it.
430
00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:08,028
And I'm not an arky.
431
00:17:08,137 --> 00:17:11,307
I am an actor. [grunts]
432
00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:12,693
We have to get in there
and stop him.
433
00:17:12,793 --> 00:17:14,033
Not anymore, Saltine.
434
00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:15,757
We have to trust his instincts.
435
00:17:15,862 --> 00:17:17,862
You're the one who didn't
trust his instincts earlier.
436
00:17:17,965 --> 00:17:20,025
What possibly convinced you
to trust them now?
437
00:17:20,137 --> 00:17:21,827
I'm too tired to walk in there.
438
00:17:21,931 --> 00:17:23,281
We just flew to England!
439
00:17:23,379 --> 00:17:26,379
[audience murmuring]
440
00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:28,862
- Lights, please.
- [lights clack on]
441
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:29,995
[audience whispering]
442
00:17:30,103 --> 00:17:31,073
[clears throat]
443
00:17:31,172 --> 00:17:33,932
A sonnet by William Shakespeare.
444
00:17:34,034 --> 00:17:35,314
[audience gasping]
445
00:17:35,413 --> 00:17:39,903
"Such sweet a form
thy body and thy skin
446
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,140
"and charms, that thou hath
learned to preen and show.
447
00:17:44,241 --> 00:17:47,411
"But I desire
what lieth deep within,
448
00:17:47,517 --> 00:17:51,207
"the part of thee
that only thou yet know.
449
00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:55,240
"Oh, how mine poenis plumpens
when you're near!
450
00:17:55,344 --> 00:17:58,694
"To see thy comely form
all squished and smushed,
451
00:17:58,793 --> 00:18:02,553
"mine humors boil forsooth
and roar arear.
452
00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:06,965
"And lo, unto my britches
poenis pushest.
453
00:18:07,068 --> 00:18:09,718
"But what is silhouetted
on the wall?
454
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,407
"A shapely maiden? Nay.
455
00:18:11,517 --> 00:18:13,997
"My poenis 'tis. It's back.
456
00:18:14,103 --> 00:18:16,523
"In powdered wig
and child's shawl,
457
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:19,760
"for thine delight
to dance a merry jig.
458
00:18:19,862 --> 00:18:23,762
"And now, as one,
our seeds shall both be sowed,
459
00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:29,382
as your sweet maidenhood
meets my stout chode."
460
00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:30,552
[grunts]
461
00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:32,545
- [squeals]
- [groans] -Ah!
462
00:18:32,655 --> 00:18:34,685
[groaning, grunting, whimpering]
463
00:18:34,793 --> 00:18:36,283
[sighs]
464
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,310
[applause and cheering]
465
00:18:43,862 --> 00:18:45,342
[grunts]
466
00:18:45,448 --> 00:18:46,828
Breaking news out of London.
467
00:18:46,931 --> 00:18:48,931
William Shakespeare's skull
has been recovered
468
00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:51,794
by police and returned
to the Shakespeare Museum.
469
00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:55,586
Stage actor Sebastian Lines has
been found guilty on all counts
470
00:18:55,689 --> 00:18:58,099
and shipped to the penal colony
of Australia.
471
00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:01,166
They should really update
the law. It's very nice here.
472
00:19:01,275 --> 00:19:02,855
And ever since
being recited publicly,
473
00:19:02,965 --> 00:19:05,825
Shakespeare's lost sonnet
has spread like wildfire.
474
00:19:05,931 --> 00:19:07,661
And as global orgasms skyrocket,
475
00:19:07,758 --> 00:19:09,788
so too have sales
of Eegan Blue Jeans.
476
00:19:09,896 --> 00:19:14,096
ZANE: Jeans so tough,
so rugged, so resilient.
477
00:19:14,206 --> 00:19:16,376
- [honks]
- [panting]
478
00:19:16,482 --> 00:19:18,212
Good luck creamin' them.
479
00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:21,904
Query for you chaps.
480
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,450
I noticed a door in the garage
481
00:19:23,551 --> 00:19:25,211
that says Rip's Secret Chamber.
482
00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:26,790
Am I allowed to go
in there for research?
483
00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:28,686
- Do whatever you want, Wally.
- Cheers.
484
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,483
I don't get why he didn't
revert to being Rip.
485
00:19:31,586 --> 00:19:32,476
He finished the mission.
486
00:19:32,586 --> 00:19:33,926
Yeah, I was only guessing
487
00:19:34,034 --> 00:19:35,484
that that's what
would bring him back.
488
00:19:35,586 --> 00:19:37,276
I'm not a shrink, Saltine.
489
00:19:37,379 --> 00:19:39,139
Huh. Whoop.
490
00:19:39,241 --> 00:19:40,791
[gasps]
491
00:19:40,896 --> 00:19:42,546
[whistles]
492
00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:49,102
Well, aren't you fit.
493
00:19:49,206 --> 00:19:50,206
[gasps]
494
00:19:50,310 --> 00:19:53,450
โช โช
495
00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:58,972
[roaring]
496
00:19:59,068 --> 00:20:00,378
[grunting]
497
00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:06,276
[gasps] I remember
my true purpose in life.
498
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,409
- [Rip yelling]
- [birds squawking]
499
00:20:08,517 --> 00:20:11,237
- What was that?
- Everything okay, Wally?
500
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,314
Who's Wally? It's me, Rip.
501
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,863
Oh, man, I went in
too deep again, didn't I?
502
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,305
- Rip, you're back.
- Yeah, I guess I am.
503
00:20:19,413 --> 00:20:21,593
Just like the Winnipeg incident.
504
00:20:21,689 --> 00:20:24,169
No, this was nothing
like the Winnipeg incident.
505
00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:26,545
Will you please just tell me
what was the Winnipeg incident?
506
00:20:26,655 --> 00:20:28,715
Well, there was a missing poem
that made people orgasm
507
00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,997
and Rip had to disguise himself
as an actor to get it back.
508
00:20:31,103 --> 00:20:33,313
How was that
any different than this?
509
00:20:33,413 --> 00:20:34,903
It happened in March, not May.
510
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,410
So this was just
a big waste of my time?
511
00:20:37,517 --> 00:20:40,097
Or was it so funny
that you actually don't mind?
512
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:43,236
I agree. It's funny in theory.
It's just not my kind of humor.
513
00:20:43,344 --> 00:20:46,834
Well, I guess everyone
has their own taste.
514
00:20:46,931 --> 00:20:48,931
[laughter]
515
00:20:49,034 --> 00:20:50,834
It's good to be back!
516
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,070
I knew you wouldn't
miss the 50-year tempest.
517
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,002
[scoffs] Wally Fourth.
518
00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:04,903
It's not Wally Fourth anymore.
519
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,170
I'm Rip Digman.
520
00:21:06,275 --> 00:21:08,545
- Are you?
- [gasps]
521
00:21:08,655 --> 00:21:12,615
You are just in time for my one-
man performance of The Tempest.
522
00:21:14,344 --> 00:21:17,314
Time to dance with the universe.
523
00:21:17,413 --> 00:21:19,623
[grunting]
524
00:21:21,379 --> 00:21:24,099
Boson! Here, master: what cheer?
525
00:21:24,206 --> 00:21:25,756
Good. Speak to the mariners:
526
00:21:25,862 --> 00:21:28,522
Fall to't, yarely, or we run
ourselves aground. Bestir--
527
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,450
Oh, my God!
These waves are huge!
528
00:21:30,551 --> 00:21:32,661
I'm going to fucking die!
529
00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:33,828
[screaming]
530
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:37,686
Well, I guess all's well
that ends well.
531
00:22:01,758 --> 00:22:03,758
Chirp.
532
00:22:03,808 --> 00:22:08,358
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