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1
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,314
Iguana jerky?
2
00:00:09,413 --> 00:00:10,723
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
3
00:00:10,827 --> 00:00:11,997
It's a rare
4
00:00:12,103 --> 00:00:13,453
- and cantankerous delicacy.
- I'm good.
5
00:00:13,551 --> 00:00:14,621
Well, I got plenty
of different varieties
6
00:00:14,724 --> 00:00:16,074
in my billfold, if that's what
7
00:00:16,172 --> 00:00:17,312
floats your apple. Let's see.
8
00:00:17,413 --> 00:00:19,483
Ostrich, cicada,
I got dolphin,
9
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,446
albino dolphin, porpoise,
10
00:00:21,551 --> 00:00:24,101
albino porpoise,
tarantula, Bunnicula,
11
00:00:24,206 --> 00:00:26,406
- fuckin' emu.
- I'm fine, thank you.
12
00:00:26,517 --> 00:00:28,027
Suit yourself, Saltine.
More for me.
13
00:00:28,137 --> 00:00:29,517
[munching]
14
00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,620
Oop, that one's not
cured all the way through.
15
00:00:31,724 --> 00:00:33,414
[chuckling]:
That's good luck, though.
16
00:00:33,517 --> 00:00:35,137
And now back to this
week's Arky Rankings.
17
00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:36,281
RIP:
Ooh, turn it up.
18
00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,479
Coming in at number one:
Zane Troy,
19
00:00:38,586 --> 00:00:39,966
fresh off his triumphant hire
20
00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,238
by Quail Eegan.
21
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,624
I don't have a son,
but if I did,
22
00:00:42,724 --> 00:00:44,724
I'd throw him away
and make Zane my son.
23
00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:47,307
And I would go along with that,
no matter the emotional fallout.
24
00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,413
One person not appearing
on the Arky Rankings:
25
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,407
Rip Digman. Just thought
I'd mention that.
26
00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:52,757
Moving on to our next story:
27
00:00:52,862 --> 00:00:53,932
Santa Claus has announced
28
00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:55,284
that he will be participating
29
00:00:55,379 --> 00:00:56,759
in No Nut November.
30
00:00:56,862 --> 00:00:58,722
Well, pickle shit.
31
00:00:58,827 --> 00:01:00,547
Oh, don't worry, Rip,
he'll blow a load in December.
32
00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,685
Not that, the Arky Rankings.
33
00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:04,313
12 years ago, I was number one,
34
00:01:04,413 --> 00:01:05,693
and now I can't even crack 'em.
35
00:01:05,793 --> 00:01:07,483
You know, you'll never
make the rankings
36
00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:09,586
if you keep passing on
every job that comes in.
37
00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:10,969
Well, the only
job offers I'm getting
38
00:01:11,068 --> 00:01:12,968
are from little
rinky-dink museums.
39
00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,618
New job offer just came in, Rip.
40
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,794
Let me guess,
some rinky-dink museum?
41
00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:19,546
Yeah, it's rinky and,
from what I can tell,
42
00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:21,305
dinky, too. You want me to pass?
43
00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:22,723
Rip, before you
say no, just listen:
44
00:01:22,827 --> 00:01:24,657
I have formulated
a five-point plan
45
00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:26,168
to get you back
atop the rankings,
46
00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,335
and step number one
is to successfully complete
47
00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:29,448
a small-time job.
48
00:01:29,551 --> 00:01:30,551
Well, what are the other steps?
49
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:31,685
I didn't want to spoil it,
50
00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:33,413
but step four is a makeover.
51
00:01:33,517 --> 00:01:34,717
Well, I like that.
52
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:36,687
Of course you do.
My plan will work.
53
00:01:36,793 --> 00:01:37,833
Just trust me.
54
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:38,861
[echoing]:
Trust me.
55
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,135
You won't regret hiring me
56
00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:41,721
as your assistant. Trust me.
57
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,617
Consider this my resignation.
58
00:01:43,724 --> 00:01:46,724
Bella! I will not let you die!
59
00:01:46,827 --> 00:01:49,207
- I'll never trust you, Zane!
- Whoa, okay.
60
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,550
I learned my lesson about
61
00:01:50,655 --> 00:01:52,135
blindly trusting an assistant.
62
00:01:52,241 --> 00:01:53,761
Agatha, tell that
rinky-dink museum
63
00:01:53,862 --> 00:01:55,452
to make like
Christopher McCandless
64
00:01:55,551 --> 00:01:57,071
- and take a hike.
- The Into the Wild guy?
65
00:01:57,172 --> 00:01:58,452
Yeah, do you have a problem
66
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,071
with what I said, Saltine?
67
00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:02,592
He famously took a hike.
I'm halfway through that book,
68
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:03,999
- and the guy is all about hikes.
- Actually, Rip,
69
00:02:04,103 --> 00:02:05,693
you know how you've
got that snake terrarium?
70
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,553
Because they're my
favorite animal, yeah, go on.
71
00:02:08,655 --> 00:02:10,405
And the snakes
require heat lamps.
72
00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:11,927
Because they're
ectothermic, yes. Continue.
73
00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,724
Well, those lamps
use a lot of power,
74
00:02:13,827 --> 00:02:15,687
and we're way behind
on our bills,
75
00:02:15,793 --> 00:02:17,313
so you should take
the job because
76
00:02:17,413 --> 00:02:18,763
we desperately need the money.
77
00:02:18,862 --> 00:02:20,972
Okay, fine. I'll do it
for my beloved snakes.
78
00:02:21,068 --> 00:02:22,238
So what's the job?
79
00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,074
Welcome to
the Museum of Confetti.
80
00:02:24,172 --> 00:02:25,482
The only museum dedicated to
81
00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:27,276
indistinguishable
little scraps of paper.
82
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:28,689
Oh, man.
83
00:02:28,793 --> 00:02:30,383
So, this one is from
the London Olympics'
84
00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,412
opening ceremony, and this one
is from the closing ceremony.
85
00:02:33,517 --> 00:02:36,027
Wait, that's the closing,
and this is the opening.
86
00:02:36,137 --> 00:02:38,407
I'm sorry. I feel
so ashamed right now.
87
00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,097
- Kind of wish I could die.
- Oh, no.
88
00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:41,966
Anyways, I was hoping
you could help me find
89
00:02:42,068 --> 00:02:44,718
a piece of the most historically
significant confetti ever.
90
00:02:44,827 --> 00:02:46,687
I didn't know
confetti had a history.
91
00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:48,073
- Please share.
- [groans]
92
00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:49,412
PETEY:
Hundreds of years ago in Italy,
93
00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:50,927
it was a young boy's birthday,
94
00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,694
but his family
couldn't afford any gifts.
95
00:02:52,793 --> 00:02:54,693
So the boy sat alone,
wishing for a miracle,
96
00:02:54,793 --> 00:02:56,073
when someone
emptied their trash,
97
00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:57,412
filled with
small pieces of paper,
98
00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:59,277
out the window above him.
99
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,549
-♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪
- His prayers were answered,
100
00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:01,925
and confetti was born.
101
00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:03,864
On the dark web,
I came across a tip
102
00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,205
as to the location of
one of the original pieces.
103
00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:08,550
It says it's hidden
near the Rialto Bridge,
104
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:09,925
but I can't go to Italy.
105
00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,664
Who would sing
to my confetti at night?
106
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,688
- [groans]
- Five-point plan.
107
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,283
Fine, yes, we're in.
Swooper, gas up the plane.
108
00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:17,659
We're headed to Venice, Italy.
109
00:03:17,758 --> 00:03:18,928
Plane's already gassed up.
110
00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,794
If I add any more,
it will explode.
111
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,656
Is that what you want?
'Cause I swear to God,
112
00:03:22,758 --> 00:03:25,478
I'll do it, Rip.
I'll do anything for you, man!
113
00:03:34,241 --> 00:03:36,281
RIP: Well, seems like
Petey's tip was a bust,
114
00:03:36,379 --> 00:03:38,829
and that stupid piece of
paper's nowhere to be found.
115
00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:40,341
What are you getting
up to over there?
116
00:03:40,448 --> 00:03:41,758
The confetti may not be
on the bridge,
117
00:03:41,862 --> 00:03:43,382
but it could be in the bridge.
118
00:03:43,482 --> 00:03:45,722
I noticed an opening, so I'm
having Fleety look inside.
119
00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:48,137
We can watch with
my newest cool invention:
120
00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,521
The FleetyCam.
121
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,860
RIP:
Oh, yeah, look at that.
122
00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:52,655
SALTINE:
That must be it. Go, Fleety.
123
00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:54,338
RIP:
Oh. Oh, God.
124
00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:56,238
Fleety, watch out! What the...?
125
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:57,484
Fleety? How did you...?
126
00:03:57,586 --> 00:03:58,996
The video's on
a 30-second delay.
127
00:03:59,103 --> 00:04:00,483
Would you have
preferred a live feed?
128
00:04:00,586 --> 00:04:01,656
Yeah, of course.
129
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:03,208
I mean, little anticlimactic.
130
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:04,760
Kind of wanted to see
how Fleety got out of that.
131
00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:06,312
Nice work, buddy.
Here's your treat.
132
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,723
[snorts, sighs]
133
00:04:07,827 --> 00:04:09,277
Well, there it is, whoop-de-doo,
134
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,139
a boring piece of confetti
that nobody cares about.
135
00:04:12,241 --> 00:04:13,591
- Confetti?
- Confetti?
136
00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:15,209
Did somebody say "confetti"?
137
00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:17,970
CROWD:
♪ Confetti, confetti ♪
138
00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:19,138
♪ Confetti,
confetti, confetti.♪
139
00:04:19,241 --> 00:04:20,141
Confetti!
140
00:04:20,241 --> 00:04:21,971
Wow, I guess people here
141
00:04:22,068 --> 00:04:23,308
really do love confetti.
142
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,623
Hold on, there's something
written on this.
143
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,144
[tires screech]
144
00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:28,311
They've got the confetti.
145
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:30,448
RIP:
Guys, I love the hat,
146
00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,311
but I think it's too long.
147
00:04:32,413 --> 00:04:34,453
[tires screech]
148
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,375
[both gasp]
149
00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:37,762
MAN:
Welcome, Rip Digman.
150
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,592
What the hell is going on here?
151
00:04:39,689 --> 00:04:42,409
We are the descendants
of Julius Caesar,
152
00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:44,997
and my name is Cale.
Cale Caesar.
153
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:48,143
But before you say anything,
I've heard all the jokes.
154
00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:49,451
And I love them,
155
00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:52,381
so if you'd like to
make any, I am all ears.
156
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,522
Uh, your name
sounds like a salad?
157
00:04:56,344 --> 00:04:57,864
[laughs]
158
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,335
I actually hadn't
heard that one before.
159
00:05:00,448 --> 00:05:02,588
[laughs]
Wow, you went right at it.
160
00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:04,719
We are known
as the Little Caesars.
161
00:05:04,827 --> 00:05:06,827
And, yes, I've heard
all the jokes.
162
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,721
Those ones, I don't like.
163
00:05:08,827 --> 00:05:10,897
Seems arbitrary,
but humor is subjective.
164
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,480
We will stop at nothing
to return the Caesars to power.
165
00:05:13,586 --> 00:05:15,096
For years we have been searching
166
00:05:15,206 --> 00:05:17,586
for the world's original
batch of confetti
167
00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,719
because it is actually
a torn-up map
168
00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:22,587
leading to one of Italy's
greatest lost treasures.
169
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,929
The knife Brutus used
to kill Caesar.
170
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,214
Ah, shit.
171
00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,340
CALE: Legend has it
that the knife is cursed,
172
00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:29,688
and anyone who holds it
173
00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:31,833
is overcome by the desire
to kill their boss.
174
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,481
Just like Brutus did to Caesar.
175
00:05:33,586 --> 00:05:34,926
CALE:
Many have sought the knife to
176
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,904
exploit its power,
so, hundreds of years ago,
177
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,970
the great Venetian
mapmaker Fra Mauro
178
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:39,998
hid the knife
179
00:05:40,103 --> 00:05:41,593
and drew a map to its location.
180
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:42,929
But when evildoers closed in
181
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:44,794
on Fra Mauro,
he tore up the map,
182
00:05:44,896 --> 00:05:46,206
scattering the pieces
to the wind.
183
00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:47,790
- [Fra grunts]
-♪ La-la-la-la ♪
184
00:05:47,896 --> 00:05:49,336
♪ La-la-la-la-la. ♪
185
00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:51,518
The writing on the back,
that's why you grabbed us.
186
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:52,860
We found the final piece.
187
00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:54,995
Precisely. The map
is now complete,
188
00:05:55,103 --> 00:05:57,623
but there's no "X"
marking the knife's location,
189
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:58,694
just a Latin riddle
190
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,553
that you will help us solve.
191
00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,445
And why would we help you?
192
00:06:02,551 --> 00:06:03,831
Because if you don't,
193
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,381
you'll find yourself
at the bottom of a canal.
194
00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,832
- With scuba equipment on?
- No.
195
00:06:07,931 --> 00:06:09,411
- Damn it.
- GIRL: Lunch is here.
196
00:06:09,517 --> 00:06:11,237
Okay, I've got a Caesar salad.
197
00:06:11,344 --> 00:06:13,214
- That's me.
- And I've got a Caesar salad.
198
00:06:13,310 --> 00:06:14,690
- That's mine.
- GIRL: A make-your-own salad
199
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:16,243
with romaine,
anchovies, parmesan,
200
00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:17,864
- croutons, Caesar dressing.
- Oh, that's... Hey, that's mine.
201
00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:19,855
You guys want any salad?
202
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:21,205
And they stole
the map and escaped.
203
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:23,140
[sighs] I feel like
that's on all of us.
204
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,211
You know, I mean, honestly,
who escapes anymore? Just stay.
205
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:30,897
Now, this is more like it.
If we find the knife
206
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,170
that killed Caesar, I'll make
the Arky Rankings for sure.
207
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,925
And that will solve
all my problems forever.
208
00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:35,454
Aren't you worried
about the knife's curse?
209
00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:38,341
Oh, Saltine, there's
no way this knife is cursed.
210
00:06:38,448 --> 00:06:39,378
People want to kill their bosses
211
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,482
every day.
212
00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:41,786
Hell, you probably want to
213
00:06:41,896 --> 00:06:43,236
kill me right now.
But don't, though.
214
00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,034
- I don't want to kill you.
- Yeah, you say that,
215
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:46,717
because you need job security,
216
00:06:46,827 --> 00:06:48,657
but we both know
you'd kill me in an instant
217
00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:50,898
if given an opportunity.
Now, all we have to do
218
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,760
is solve this riddle,
and, luckily,
219
00:06:52,862 --> 00:06:54,692
I know just the new character.
220
00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:57,335
Rip Digman?
221
00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:58,688
Oh, sorry, it's not
222
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,283
that I'm shocked to
see you, I'm just clumsy.
223
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,589
A bit of an olive oil fingers,
if you take my meaning.
224
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:04,899
Saltine, meet Professor McEwan,
225
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,760
my old Italian
history professor,
226
00:07:06,862 --> 00:07:10,722
and an absolutely primo,
grade A, male mentor.
227
00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:13,928
- Grappa?
- No, thanks.
228
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,314
- 10:15 a.m.
- Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
229
00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:17,833
Not if it's 10:15?
230
00:07:17,931 --> 00:07:19,311
Right, so let's take
a look at this map.
231
00:07:19,413 --> 00:07:21,593
- [glass shatters]
- Whoop. My bad. So, the map...
232
00:07:21,689 --> 00:07:22,859
Not sure if I mentioned this,
233
00:07:22,965 --> 00:07:24,305
I'm a bit of
an olive oil fingers.
234
00:07:24,413 --> 00:07:25,973
- Yeah, you did.
- That's the Italian version...
235
00:07:26,068 --> 00:07:27,618
Of a butterfingers.
Right, I get it.
236
00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:29,694
Great, then you understand.
Moving on.
237
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,003
Fascinating.
238
00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:33,313
Seems like this phrase
may be a clue.
239
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,793
"Flavo pila credere in."
240
00:07:34,896 --> 00:07:36,826
That's Latin for
"Trust in the sun."
241
00:07:36,931 --> 00:07:39,241
Perhaps sunlight will
reveal a hidden message.
242
00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,244
Ah, nothing.
243
00:07:40,344 --> 00:07:41,484
Let's think.
244
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,926
if I were Fra Mauro,
what would I do?
245
00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:45,244
Well, I'd change my name
first, that's for sure.
246
00:07:45,344 --> 00:07:46,344
[both laugh]
247
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,618
You are the funniest person
248
00:07:47,724 --> 00:07:49,624
I've ever met. Bar none.
249
00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,524
Now, how to solve this riddle.
250
00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:54,720
Can I try? I'm pretty good
at cracking those things.
251
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,897
[echoing]:
Cracking those.
252
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,240
- [groans] Damn these eggs.
- Can I try?
253
00:07:59,344 --> 00:08:01,144
I'm pretty good at
cracking those things.
254
00:08:01,241 --> 00:08:03,901
No way, Zane! I don't want
your help, you backstabber!
255
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,380
Whoa, Rip, you're clearly
256
00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:07,032
projecting your issues
with Zane onto me.
257
00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,657
Well, I'm sorry, Saltine,
but I have trauma.
258
00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:13,068
You can't argue with trauma.
Are you unsympathetic to trauma?
259
00:08:13,172 --> 00:08:15,762
Uh, Saltine, perhaps we should
give Rip a moment here.
260
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,762
My assistant Roberto
would be more than happy
261
00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:19,522
to show you around
our beautiful city.
262
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:20,970
At your service.
263
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,378
Why don't you come
with me, amica?
264
00:08:22,482 --> 00:08:23,412
[chuckles]
265
00:08:23,517 --> 00:08:25,967
Um, yes, please.
266
00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,588
And that is what happens
267
00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:30,689
when the moon hits your eye.
But enough astronomy talk.
268
00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,903
This is really lovely, Roberto.
269
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,100
Oh, for me, it's my pleasure.
270
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,856
To stroll with a beautiful
woman such as yourself,
271
00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:40,785
it made my armpits,
um, how you say, uh,
272
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,616
wet and scented.
273
00:08:42,724 --> 00:08:44,214
What a great way
of putting that.
274
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,280
May I, uh, remove?
275
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:47,900
[Saltine laughs]
276
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,340
"I'm with Stupid" in Latin?
277
00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:51,658
That's so clever.
278
00:08:51,758 --> 00:08:52,968
You're a fellow Latin lover?
279
00:08:53,068 --> 00:08:54,688
Oh, Mamma mia, yes.
280
00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:56,173
It is my one true passion.
281
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,205
I-I wish it was
a living language still.
282
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:01,380
Me, too. I could talk
about it "ad nauseam."
283
00:09:01,482 --> 00:09:02,862
[laughs]
284
00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:05,615
And yet, Saltina,
I feel I could never reach
285
00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:07,484
"nauseam" with you.
286
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:10,756
Ergo, I'd like to show you
my Venice. Will you allow me?
287
00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:12,832
Well, "carpe diem," right?
288
00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,591
Saltina, I love you.
289
00:09:14,689 --> 00:09:17,999
Whoa. Okay, rad. Thanks.
290
00:09:18,896 --> 00:09:21,656
To me, this is
the most romantic sight
291
00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:22,968
in all of Venezia. Via!
292
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,338
[gasps] Is that
293
00:09:24,448 --> 00:09:27,098
an imperfect subjunctive
contrafactual condition?
294
00:09:27,206 --> 00:09:28,206
Yes.
295
00:09:29,034 --> 00:09:30,414
[both moaning]
296
00:09:30,517 --> 00:09:33,137
Thank you for an
incredible day, Roberto.
297
00:09:33,241 --> 00:09:34,591
It's so beautiful here.
298
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:36,479
Made more beautiful
299
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,996
by you. [groans]
300
00:09:39,103 --> 00:09:40,453
- You okay there, Roberto?
- Mm-hmm.
301
00:09:40,551 --> 00:09:42,381
'Cause it seems like
you thought you could
302
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,662
just take a big bite
of a lemon
303
00:09:43,758 --> 00:09:44,688
like it would be no big deal.
304
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,413
No, it tastes very good.
305
00:09:46,517 --> 00:09:48,517
If that's what happened, it's
fine, we're still gonna smash.
306
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,070
It just seems weird
you wouldn't be honest.
307
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,622
Mmm. You know, lemons
308
00:09:52,724 --> 00:09:55,794
were a rare treat
in ancient Italy,
309
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,406
reserved only for the wealthy.
310
00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,377
[Roberto laughs weakly]
311
00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:00,692
[gasps]
312
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,383
We've got to get
back to the manor.
313
00:10:03,551 --> 00:10:06,001
Hey, what are you doing?
You're gonna ruin the map.
314
00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:07,213
No, I'm not.
Your translation was wrong.
315
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,690
It wasn't "Trust in the sun,"
316
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,143
it was "Trust
in the yellow ball,"
317
00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:11,551
which is what your average
person called lemons
318
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,235
in ancient Italy
because they were so rare.
319
00:10:13,344 --> 00:10:14,934
And lemon juice can
be used as an acid developer
320
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:16,414
to make invisible
phenolphthalein inks visible
321
00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:17,717
like so.
322
00:10:17,827 --> 00:10:19,337
Easy-peasy,
323
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:20,858
lemon-squeezy.
324
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:23,065
St. Mark's Piazza, that's
where the knife is hidden.
325
00:10:23,172 --> 00:10:25,102
Holy authentic Italian cannoli.
326
00:10:25,206 --> 00:10:26,376
- You've done it.
- [glass shatters]
327
00:10:26,482 --> 00:10:27,902
Oh, I think I should
just go for it
328
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,380
and get all rubber
everything, right?
329
00:10:29,482 --> 00:10:31,552
You'd be selling yourself
short not to. Yeah.
330
00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:33,615
- Do you know a rubber monger?
- Not locally.
331
00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:35,034
- But back home?
- Yeah.
332
00:10:35,137 --> 00:10:36,407
If Rip gives you my email,
will you send me
333
00:10:36,517 --> 00:10:37,617
your rubber monger's info?
334
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,764
Of course, but just so you know,
335
00:10:38,862 --> 00:10:40,072
he's in Temecula until Thursday.
336
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:42,032
It's his aunt and uncle's
40th anniversary.
337
00:10:42,137 --> 00:10:43,547
The anniversary was
actually last year,
338
00:10:43,655 --> 00:10:45,895
but Don hurt his foot,
so they couldn't celebrate.
339
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,970
- Don is the uncle.
- What is Don's wife's name?
340
00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:49,618
- Kathleen.
- Kathleen and Don
341
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:50,904
actually met a few blocks away
342
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,140
from where the party
is being held.
343
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:53,521
- Is that so?
- But Kathleen was with
344
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,210
Gary Delvecchio back then,
so she and Don
345
00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:57,070
didn't start dating
until a few months later.
346
00:10:57,172 --> 00:10:58,452
In fact, he wanted
to come to the anniversary,
347
00:10:58,551 --> 00:10:59,791
but he's staying
in Chicago because
348
00:10:59,896 --> 00:11:01,096
it's his granddaughter Jessica's
349
00:11:01,206 --> 00:11:02,306
seventh birthday party.
350
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,003
- It's pony-themed.
- Which, yes,
351
00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:05,593
was also her friend
Madison's birthday theme.
352
00:11:05,689 --> 00:11:08,139
Ah, well, please send Madison
and her family my best.
353
00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:09,591
Will do.
354
00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:20,275
[sighs] This place
is crawling with Little Caesars.
355
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:21,859
Why don't you guys
check the basilica,
356
00:11:21,965 --> 00:11:23,135
and we'll meet back up at...
357
00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,101
Uh, let's see,
what time is it now?
358
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,656
Great Caesar's ghost.
359
00:11:26,758 --> 00:11:27,718
That clock hand, it's the knife.
360
00:11:27,827 --> 00:11:29,307
Hidden in plain sight.
361
00:11:29,413 --> 00:11:31,243
Just like Waldo
in the Where's Waldo? novels.
362
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:32,524
Or the Bible verse on the bottom
363
00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,100
of a Forever 21 bag.
364
00:11:34,206 --> 00:11:36,756
Now, here's the plan.
You'll climb the clocktower...
365
00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,926
- Oh, is that it?
- Yup, that's the whole thing.
366
00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,336
[panting]
367
00:11:42,448 --> 00:11:43,338
[groans]
368
00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:44,588
How it's looking down there?
369
00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,549
Don't worry,
no one's "clocked" you,
370
00:11:46,655 --> 00:11:48,995
pun absolutely intended.
371
00:11:49,103 --> 00:11:50,103
Everyone is just buried
in their phones.
372
00:11:50,206 --> 00:11:51,376
It's sad when you
think about it.
373
00:11:51,482 --> 00:11:53,002
No way, fuck that.
I love my phone.
374
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:54,663
Push that shit on someone else.
375
00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:56,618
Almost... got... it.
376
00:11:56,724 --> 00:11:57,624
[screams]
377
00:11:57,724 --> 00:11:58,864
Who am I,
378
00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,375
Harold Lloyd in Safety Last!?
379
00:12:00,482 --> 00:12:02,342
- Anyway, I'm in huge trouble!
- [both gasp]
380
00:12:04,586 --> 00:12:05,476
[gasps]
381
00:12:05,586 --> 00:12:06,716
[grunts]
382
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,547
Woo-hoo!
383
00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,305
Who am I, Hudson Hawk?
384
00:12:10,413 --> 00:12:11,723
Uh, I would describe that as
385
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,237
Hudson Hawk meets Harold Lloyd.
386
00:12:13,344 --> 00:12:15,144
- Thank you.
- [laughs]
387
00:12:15,241 --> 00:12:16,451
So, Saltine,
you're holding the knife.
388
00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:17,481
Is it cursed?
389
00:12:17,586 --> 00:12:18,516
I am your boss.
390
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:19,970
Does it make you
want to kill me?
391
00:12:20,068 --> 00:12:21,098
Fine. It's just a normal knife.
392
00:12:21,206 --> 00:12:22,236
Well, I guess all's well
393
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,244
- that ends...
- It's them.
394
00:12:23,344 --> 00:12:24,794
- Over there.
- Shit!
395
00:12:24,896 --> 00:12:26,516
Okay, this piazza
is famously full of pigeons.
396
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,240
We run straight at them,
and when they take flight,
397
00:12:28,344 --> 00:12:29,764
they'll hide us in a canopy
of wings and feathers.
398
00:12:29,862 --> 00:12:31,452
Sounds good, let's go!
399
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,341
[all panting]
400
00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:35,452
[crunching]
401
00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:36,831
- They're not flying!
- Why won't they fly?
402
00:12:36,931 --> 00:12:38,411
We're just crunching them.
403
00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:40,447
I can hear their tiny,
brittle bones beneath my feet.
404
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,521
Oh, God, I think
I just curbed one.
405
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,030
- Are we going to hell for this?
- ROBERTO: Oh, no, no!
406
00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:45,897
I have now killed,
like, 4,000 pigeons.
407
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,140
I will never not
feel them under my feet.
408
00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:49,861
And we're leaving a perfect
pigeon carcass path
409
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:51,205
for the Caesars to follow.
410
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,210
It's disgusting
and hurting our cause.
411
00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:56,620
Okay, new plan. Jump!
412
00:12:58,275 --> 00:12:59,205
[groans]
413
00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:02,693
Well, at least the canal water
414
00:13:02,793 --> 00:13:04,523
washed off the pigeon blood.
415
00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:09,004
And then she walked in
with her perfect figure:
416
00:13:09,103 --> 00:13:11,723
30-30-30, a total tube.
417
00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:12,997
- [phone rings]
- Yello?
418
00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:14,903
Swooper, we're in
the canal by St. Mark's.
419
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,690
Get a gondola and get us fast.
420
00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:17,833
On my way, Rippy.
421
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,031
Sorry that my five-point plan
422
00:13:19,137 --> 00:13:20,027
might get us killed, Rip.
423
00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,067
Are you kidding me?
424
00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:22,342
This is the good stuff.
425
00:13:22,448 --> 00:13:23,238
I haven't been
this happy in years.
426
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,594
Really? Wow. So, I guess
427
00:13:24,689 --> 00:13:26,449
you could say trusting me
was a good call.
428
00:13:26,551 --> 00:13:28,171
[echoing]:
Good call.
429
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,785
Hey, Zane, what do you
think of this turkey call?
430
00:13:30,896 --> 00:13:32,996
[gobbling]
431
00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:38,861
[whistles] Good call.
432
00:13:39,103 --> 00:13:40,933
No, I'm not falling
for that again.
433
00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:43,344
I'll never trust you. [cries]
434
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,208
Come on, Swooper, where are you?
435
00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:47,520
One gondola, please.
436
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,930
You need a license
to rent a gondola.
437
00:13:50,034 --> 00:13:52,074
But getting one is no easy task.
438
00:13:52,172 --> 00:13:53,592
The training is rigorous.
439
00:13:53,689 --> 00:13:55,969
It will test you.
It will break you.
440
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:57,658
And it will cost you
441
00:13:57,758 --> 00:13:59,278
60 euros.
442
00:14:00,103 --> 00:14:01,593
Welcome to...
443
00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,589
Top Gondola.
444
00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:05,719
♪ ♪
445
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:08,657
Gentlemen, look around you.
446
00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:09,898
Someone in this
classroom will die
447
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:10,970
before the training is over.
448
00:14:11,068 --> 00:14:13,378
[grunting]
449
00:14:17,827 --> 00:14:21,407
Rule number one:
Never drop your oar.
450
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:29,720
[crowd cheers]
451
00:14:32,068 --> 00:14:33,928
[singsongy]:
I don't hear singing.
452
00:14:34,034 --> 00:14:37,104
[singing in Italian]
453
00:14:45,206 --> 00:14:47,686
♪ ♪
454
00:14:59,758 --> 00:15:04,238
This is wrong.
You are my teacher.
455
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:08,928
Yee-haw!
456
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,314
Time for your greatest test:
457
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:11,763
the Quick Stop.
458
00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:13,212
Guppy, you're up first.
459
00:15:13,310 --> 00:15:14,790
[singing in Italian]
460
00:15:17,034 --> 00:15:18,524
Guppy, there's a whirlpool!
461
00:15:19,413 --> 00:15:21,173
Quick stop, Guppy!
462
00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:25,615
Guppy! No...!
463
00:15:27,034 --> 00:15:28,974
Is Papà in heaven, Mamma?
464
00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:31,998
Siì. Papà è in paradiso.
465
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:34,483
TEACHER:
What do you mean you quit?
466
00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:36,336
You haven't even mastered
the Quick Stop yet.
467
00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:38,758
We can't give you
a license until you do.
468
00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:41,032
I'm sorry, Denise. I can't.
469
00:15:41,862 --> 00:15:42,862
Hey, man.
470
00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:45,375
You were the best of us.
471
00:15:45,482 --> 00:15:46,902
[sniffs]
472
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,210
So you got your license?
473
00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:50,070
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, here you go.
474
00:15:50,172 --> 00:15:53,312
Somebody order a gondola?
475
00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,102
♪ Barcarola... ♪
476
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,516
Swooper, what are
you doing? Shut up.
477
00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,660
I'm a gondolier, Rip,
I got to sing.
478
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,478
You're gonna attract
too much attention.
479
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,586
I'll attract more attention
if I don't sing.
480
00:16:03,689 --> 00:16:06,339
There's nothing more suspicious
than a silent gondolier.
481
00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:08,138
I don't care. Put a sock in it.
482
00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:10,615
Over there.
That gondolier isn't singing.
483
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:12,724
- It's them.
- Told you.
484
00:16:14,689 --> 00:16:15,999
[squawks]
485
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:18,243
[grunting]
486
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,284
They have Jet Skis?
487
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:21,789
Nothing a little NOS
can't outrun.
488
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:24,615
[cheering]
489
00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:26,214
- That's how you do it.
- [dolphin squeaking]
490
00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:28,100
- H-hey, look, it's a dolphin.
- [cheering]
491
00:16:28,206 --> 00:16:29,236
[laughs]
492
00:16:29,344 --> 00:16:31,624
- Oh, no, a shark ate it!
- [booing]
493
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:32,904
[cheering]
494
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,030
SALTINE:
A big dolphin ate the shark!
495
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:37,307
[screaming]
496
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,143
- There are rapids in Venice?
- Yes.
497
00:16:39,241 --> 00:16:40,691
Oh, my God, Swooper, stop.
498
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:43,073
Swooper, what the hell
are you doing? Stop!
499
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:44,692
This is for you, Guppy.
500
00:16:44,793 --> 00:16:46,283
[shouts]
501
00:16:46,379 --> 00:16:49,099
[men screaming]
502
00:16:52,517 --> 00:16:53,787
Incredible work, Swooper.
503
00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:56,206
Thanks. I'm gonna go
return the gondola.
504
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,380
Well, that worked out great.
505
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:58,972
And now for an epic selfie
506
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:00,658
with my phone, which I love.
507
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,688
- Saltine, hold this a sec.
- Okay.
508
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,833
- Okay.
- Oh, no, you don't, Zane.
509
00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:06,281
You'd stab me with it.
510
00:17:06,379 --> 00:17:07,859
You know that's not true.
I was holding it earlier.
511
00:17:07,965 --> 00:17:08,925
You were joking about it.
512
00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:10,314
Doesn't matter, I have trauma.
513
00:17:10,413 --> 00:17:11,763
Roberto, here, you hold it.
514
00:17:11,862 --> 00:17:12,972
Sure thing.
515
00:17:13,068 --> 00:17:15,408
[laughs]
516
00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:17,167
What's so funny, Roberto?
517
00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:19,025
Are you remembering
a Latin meme?
518
00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:20,377
- Can you share?
- Mi scusi.
519
00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:21,972
I am laughing because
520
00:17:22,068 --> 00:17:24,278
I have the knife now.
521
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,069
Roberto, you're betraying us?
522
00:17:26,172 --> 00:17:27,212
I trusted you.
523
00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:28,550
Wait, so you've been undercover,
524
00:17:28,655 --> 00:17:30,755
working for and sleeping
with Professor McEwan
525
00:17:30,862 --> 00:17:32,522
- just to look for the knife?
- Wait, sleeping with?
526
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,210
That's right. I tricked you.
527
00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:38,000
And soon I'll explain why.
528
00:17:38,103 --> 00:17:39,793
[both gasp]
529
00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:41,996
I'm sorry, not to harp on this.
You were sleeping with McEwan?
530
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,863
Yes, but you are focusing
on the wrong thing. But yes.
531
00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:49,446
Roberto, no.
Was it all just a lie?
532
00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:51,141
What about the seven
times we had amazing sex?
533
00:17:51,241 --> 00:17:53,071
What about the time we started,
but then you slipped out,
534
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,792
and then we heard people coming
so we decided to just call it?
535
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:55,786
Been there.
536
00:17:55,896 --> 00:17:57,476
None of it was a lie, Saltina.
537
00:17:57,586 --> 00:17:59,966
When I said I loved you
45 seconds after meeting you,
538
00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:01,338
I meant it.
539
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,518
But there is more
you should know about me.
540
00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:05,620
I am actually
the deputy vice president
541
00:18:05,724 --> 00:18:07,174
of Italy's Ministry
of Education,
542
00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:09,615
meaning I am third in line
to rule as secretary.
543
00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:12,104
But when I place the dagger
in the hands of the man
544
00:18:12,206 --> 00:18:15,026
who is second in line,
he will kill his boss,
545
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:17,307
then be arrested,
leaving the education throne
546
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:18,663
to be assumed by me,
547
00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:21,278
and then I shall once
more make Latin
548
00:18:21,379 --> 00:18:22,789
the national language of Italy!
549
00:18:22,896 --> 00:18:24,446
I realize you have
the upper hand,
550
00:18:24,551 --> 00:18:25,931
but it's a weird plan.
551
00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:27,594
- It's not weird.
- The knife isn't even cursed,
552
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,209
genius. You saw it yourself.
553
00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:30,620
Oh, it's cursed all right.
554
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:32,454
You just hadn't activated it.
555
00:18:32,551 --> 00:18:35,931
Veni ad vitam,
cultrum mirabilis.
556
00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:37,764
Aw, shit, it's glowing red.
Yeah, it's cursed.
557
00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:39,552
So, what,
you're just gonna kill us?
558
00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:43,275
On the contrary, I want
to rule this new empire
559
00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:45,169
with you by my side.
But as for Rip?
560
00:18:45,275 --> 00:18:46,405
He will die.
561
00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,617
- By your hand.
- No, I-I can't.
562
00:18:48,724 --> 00:18:51,074
Why not? He doesn't trust you.
563
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,282
He can't even speak Latin.
564
00:18:52,379 --> 00:18:55,829
Tell me, Saltine.
Where's the lie?
565
00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:57,001
I mean, sure,
566
00:18:57,103 --> 00:18:58,453
that is all true.
567
00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:00,071
Give me the knife.
568
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:01,482
What? Saltine, no.
569
00:19:01,586 --> 00:19:02,686
I thought we had
a good thing going.
570
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,283
This won't hurt a bit, boss.
571
00:19:04,379 --> 00:19:05,549
Trust me.
572
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,210
Aw, crap.
573
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,310
Is this curtains for me?
574
00:19:10,413 --> 00:19:11,313
I'm about to be fitted for
575
00:19:11,413 --> 00:19:12,383
a pine overcoat, aren't I?
576
00:19:12,482 --> 00:19:13,692
I don't want to pay Charon's fee
577
00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:15,073
and shake hands with Elvis.
578
00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:16,102
You're telling me I'm gonna be
579
00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:17,406
promoted to Glory? No way.
580
00:19:18,482 --> 00:19:20,072
[both shout]
581
00:19:21,862 --> 00:19:24,412
And now that
he's definitely dead,
582
00:19:24,517 --> 00:19:25,617
I can fulfill my destiny
583
00:19:25,724 --> 00:19:26,834
- as the...
- I'm back.
584
00:19:26,931 --> 00:19:28,381
- [both grunt]
- [bones crack]
585
00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:29,382
[chuckles] Saltine,
586
00:19:29,482 --> 00:19:30,762
you remembered the jerky.
587
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,382
- I did.
- That was amazing.
588
00:19:33,482 --> 00:19:35,762
[both laugh, sigh]
589
00:19:37,413 --> 00:19:39,593
So... you kill people?
590
00:19:39,689 --> 00:19:41,619
It would appear so, yeah.
591
00:19:42,655 --> 00:19:43,615
- Huh.
- Truth be told,
592
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,904
this was my first time.
593
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,760
[chuckles]
I'm actually having...
594
00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,482
having a little trouble with it.
595
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,026
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
596
00:19:50,137 --> 00:19:52,097
His life! I snuffed it out!
597
00:19:52,206 --> 00:19:53,716
He'll never have
another birthday!
598
00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:55,687
But he was gonna kill us,
right? I had no choice.
599
00:19:55,793 --> 00:19:58,693
You saw, he was evil.
Oh, shit, I'm gonna boot.
600
00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,312
Oh, no.
601
00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:02,933
He slipped on a rock! You saw!
602
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,414
Oh, God, he had
a mother, Saltine!
603
00:20:05,517 --> 00:20:07,027
[sobs] Oh, fuck.
604
00:20:07,137 --> 00:20:10,277
I'm a piece of shit,
I'm a fucking piece of shit!
605
00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:12,589
So it's agreed, we'll never
talk about that again.
606
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,279
Yup, you got it.
So, are you excited
607
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,969
to make the Arky Rankings
this week, Rip?
608
00:20:16,068 --> 00:20:18,028
- The knife makes it a sure bet.
- Indeed, 'twould be nice.
609
00:20:18,137 --> 00:20:20,307
But I think it will be
many moons longer still.
610
00:20:20,413 --> 00:20:21,623
- What do you mean?
- It's the unwritten
611
00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:23,074
arky code, Saltine.
612
00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:24,792
We can't give a cursed
object to a museum,
613
00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:26,996
for it will always be
targeted by ne'er-do-wells.
614
00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:28,973
I am just happy
returning the confetti.
615
00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:30,588
That was step one
of your five-point plan,
616
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:31,999
and I trust your plan.
617
00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:34,863
Perfect, time for
step two: Making amends.
618
00:20:34,965 --> 00:20:35,995
Fuck that. I'm out.
619
00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:52,789
Ouch!
620
00:21:06,551 --> 00:21:07,971
Come to papa.
621
00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:12,571
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