Original subtitles

I'll be cheering for you, Quail.

- Thanks, Sheila. - He knows my name.

Make us proud, Quail.

I'll try my best, Principal Gunther.

He knows my name.

This is for the championship.

Yes, he's got it. He's jumped the highest jump of all.

I won, Dad. Coach said

I might be the highest jumper in the state.

Mm-hmm.

I'm also the star quarterback of the football team.

But that's a fall sport, and it's spring right now.

- Mm. - I'm also the valedictorian

with a full ride to college?

Dad, aren't you proud of me?

You'll never own...

...a museum.

Big day today, Mr. Eegan.

Are you excited for your grand opening?

Shut the fuck up.

Now that it's been a few days, I just want to say

I'm so glad that I finally told you guys

I've been keeping Bella's frozen corpse in my chamber.

I still can't believe Saltine freaked out and quit.

I mean, it's just my late wife's dead body.

That's not so weird, is it?

Well, I mean, you know...

Wait a minute, What's with the hemming?

To say nothing of the hawing.

It is weird, Rip.

But everybody's a little weird.

For example, for a brief period in the 1990s,

I used to eat my pizza crust first.

Ew!

Um, okay, so we're even.

How did you manage to pull this off?

A fine question, for 'tis a tale

most worthy of telling indeed.

It all began 12 years ago on the Zientek glacier.

This cave bird doesn't look like she's aged a day.

That's because the glacier's ice contains special mineral

properties that preserve bodies for eternity.

But once a body is removed, it's only a matter of minutes

- before it crumbles to dust. - That was the museum.

We got to head to Mondonesia to find the molten idol.

And we all know how that turned out.

I will not let you die!

Oh, God, her heart stopped beating.

That's the type of day I'm having.

And I've been looking for the Holy Grail ever since.

While the glacier ice has kept her perfectly preserved.

Wow. Great story.

And you're not worried that the ice is melting?

What? Aw!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, so it's not supposed to be.

Okay, nobody panic.

To the microfiche.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, crap. It says here that the Zientek ice's

unique chemical composition is breaking down

and there's nothing we can do.

And at the rate Bella's block is melting...

We have less than a day before it's gone.

Good thing I know where the Grail is now.

At Quail's new museum.

I'll just go steal it from him, as is my wont.

- I'm in. - I'm in, too.

But it won't be easy. Today

is Quail's museum opening.

Oh, I didn't even know we had a TV down here.

Welcome back to the Eegan Museum's opening ceremony.

It's a day of nonstop excitement,

all leading up to the grand opening tonight at 7:00 p.m.

But before that happens, Zane Troy will debut his new single

and become the latest celebrity to also launch a music career.

Following in the footsteps of Florence Foster Jenkins.

That place is crawling with security.

In that case, I won't bring the Grail to Bella.

I'll bring Bella to the Grail.

It's just too bad Saltine isn't here to help.

I'm actually glad she's gone 'cause she was so annoying.

She was always pushing my butt in.

I think you mean "pushing my buttons"?

What? No, that's not a phrase.

She was pushing my butt in.

You know, getting under my skin, rubbing me the wrong way,

bursting my butthole.

You mean "bursting your bubble"?

No, I don't mean bursting my bubble, goddamn it!

What don't you understand here, you stubborn old mule?

- Hey, watch it, buster. - Agatha, walk with me.

My main man Rip has something called "idiom blindness."

It's very rare, but it's real, and he's got it.

So if you're really his friend, you'll just ignore it

and pretend he said the right thing.

- That's insane. - But you got to think about it

from his perspective. He's living in hell.

Idioms are flying this way and that,

and poor Rippy thinks they're all about his butt.

Fine.

Sorry about that, Rip.

Apology graciously accepted... by me.

Anyway, Saltine sucks, and we all agree.

Nevertheless, I wonder what she's up to right now.

- Here's your itinerary, boss. - Oh, thanks, Saltine.

- You are an amazing assistant. - Thank you, sir.

You know, I had my reservations about working for you,

but then I realized I needed a job

if I didn't want to starve to death.

Oh, that's so kind of you to say, Saltine.

It's not too early for champagne, is it?

- Uh... - What? I drink.

I smoke. You got a problem with that?

Take it up with I don't give a rat's ass!

Oh, my darling wife.

It's so wonderful to see you, baby.

It's even more wonderful to be me.

I love being a wife guy.

I know. You're such a wife guy.

Can I be honest? I'm surprised

the two of you are still together.

I thought you were only marrying her for the Grail.

Oh, at first so did I, but she showed me things

in the bedroom that have made me question the fabric

of my reality in a good way.

- Hey, boss. - Trisket, just in time.

Listen, I need the two of you to keep watch over the Holy Grail

until its big unveiling tonight.

It's a massive responsibility, but I trust you.

And thy trust shall be rewarded, good sir.

Great, uh,

- but-but don't say that, yeah? - You got it.

I tracked down the blueprints for the Eegan,

thanks to my shadowy network of lowlives and scoundrels.

Don't even ask what I had to do.

I wasn't going to.

Asking questions is a sign of weakness in a man.

Agreed. We'll put Bella in a crate,

and you'll sneak her in by posing as a delivery man.

Swooper will be your driver.

Ever driven a delivery truck?

Come on, Rip, you know I can drive, sail or fly anything.

Except a pogo stick.

So don't even think about making me use a pogo.

- I hate that! - That's fine, Swooper.

I'm not going to ask you to use a pogo stick.

Good. And don't ask me why I feel this way.

The memory is too painful!

This is so cool that we get to work together.

And we get to guard the Grail?

If anyone tries to take it, I'm gonna be like, "Gadoosh!"

Yeah. And then I'll be like, "Kadorf."

Whoa. Really?

Yeah. Did I mention I'm crazy?

Well, I'm gonna hit the can.

Okay.

Bitch.

What? Who said that?

Fat bitch. Wait.

The Holy Grail shouldn't call people bitches.

Oh, my God! What were those hellish visions?

You all right, Saltine?

Um...

yeah, I just forgot I have an appointment

with, uh, my plastic surgeon.

I'm getting my butt...

crack...

lengthened.

Okay.

All right, Swooper, if I'm not back by 8:00 p.m.,

- you know what to do. - Yep. Freak out and go nuts.

Just totally wigging out and attacking people

- and screaming your name. - Exactly.

No, wait. It means I'm in trouble and you need to help me.

Got my papers right here

from the Totally Legit Delivery Company.

- Sounds totally legit. - What the...?

I don't remember ordering anything

from Totally Legit Delivery.

Freeze it.

Zoom in... closer.

Closer.

I'd recognize that pore anywhere.

That's Rip Digman.

- Why would Rip Digman be here? - There can only be one reason.

He thinks he co-wrote my new song.

But it was an interpolation!

Zaney!

Oh, it's you.

- I need to ask you something. - Let me guess.

Where do babies come from?

Look, I don't know, okay?

No, it's about the Grail.

I know the Grail came from Puffland,

- so I thought maybe you... - You don't know anything!

I think you've had too much champagne.

More like nine much champagne.

Give me a light, would you?

Let me guess.

It called you a bitch.

Yes, and I'm not a bitch.

Unless I haven't had my java.

Did it also show you hellish visions, including a pig nun?

Pig nun, yes! Why's it doing that?

I wish I knew.

There were some in Puffland who hated

the Grail, wanted it gone.

They said a man named the Antiquarian

told them the truth about it,

but that's all I know.

Wow. That's actually quite a bit.

So who is the Antiquarian?

Ugh, what is with all the questions? I feel like

I'm on an episode of the hit game show Jeopardy!

Look, my life is perfect now with Zane.

Don't ruin it by looking into the Grail.

I'm sorry. I just want to know what-- aah!

Quit making me feel like I'm on an episode

of the hit game show Jeopardy!

And get out of here!

Okay, Swooper, I'm entering the Hall of Weapons.

Looks like the walls are quadruple-plated steel.

So our signal might...

What's that, Rippy? You're breaking up. Rip!

Swooper. Hello?

Rip Digman.

I always knew this day would come.

Tuesday, June 20th. How?

Not the date. I'm talking about...

our final showdown.

Now... choose your weapon.

Very well.

What the...?

Oh, shit.

Uh, no matter.

I shall still but defeat you.

Prepare to meet...

your physical equal!

Too bad the signal gave out.

But knowing Rip, he's doing just fine.

I know why you're here, Rip.

- You do? - Yes.

You think you co-wrote my song,

so you're here to ruin my performance.

Oh, thank God. Yes, that's exactly it.

I knew it.

That's always been your problem.

You've never wanted to share the spotlight

because you knew I was better.

That's why you held me back all those years.

I never held you back.

I was only so tough on you

because I wanted you to be the best.

Like the teacher in that Paul Reiser movie

Whiplash.

Well, then you betrayed me like Paul Reiser in Alien.

And now I'm mad about you!

That is horrid grammar.

Ow.

If you're such a great mentor, Rip,

then why do your assistants keep quitting?

You know, when Saltine came to me begging for a job,

I hired her because I knew we shared a special connection.

Unless you didn't know.

You didn't, did you?

Well, she's my assistant now.

And she says I'm the best boss

she's ever had.

No!

Aah! Room temperature tea!

Fleety!

Aw, man.

Face it, Rip.

Your story ends here,

while my legend will only continue to grow.

That's always been your problem, Zane.

You care more about personal glory than you do about history.

I mean, did you even know that, during the Reformation,

Catholicism was outlawed in England

so homes were built with hidden priest holes

where clergy members could hide?

- So? - So...

you're standing on one.

Now, Fleety!

Whoa!

Bloody hell!

All right, Fleety, let's go back

and get that crate. Boss?

Over here! I'm in a priest hole!

Oh, my God. "In a priest hole"?

I have so many distasteful retorts to that,

but I'm not even gonna go there!

Oh, crap!

You're the only person I could turn to. Please.

I thought you quit. I don't help quitters.

I know, but I need information.

And nobody knows more about the underbelly

of the arky world than you.

So, tell me, who is the Antiquarian?

I prayed this day would never come.

I guess that proves it.

I don't know how to pray.

Agatha! Please tell me who it is

or I'll absolutely beef in my khakis!

Fine. He knows more than anyone

about rare and obscure historical objects,

but he's not someone you want anything to do with.

Look, I've already said too much.

Just stay away from his nightclub

on the outskirts of town at 4409 Hemlock Avenue,

even though there's usually ample street parking.

You don't think she could be going to the...?

Nah.

Rip, I know you're in here.

I can smell your monkey.

Fleety! You see what happens when you don't let me

give you a bath?

Huh.

What the dickens?

Oh, God! Who's this gonna be?!

Dad, look, I took all the money I made from my new invention

and I bought a vase dating from the days of Alexander the Great.

I know it's not much, but one day

I'll own a museum full of them.

Dad?

That's my dad. He always dreamed of seeing me open a museum,

but he died before I ever could.

So I had him cryogenically frozen

until I could find the Holy Grail

and bring him back to make him proud.

You don't think that's weird, do you?

Oh, wait. Of course you don't.

Whoa!

What is that?!

Huh?! Is that Bella?!

Wow, this is crazy!

She's, like, frozen or something?

I know you brought her here, Rip.

We have you on, like, 50 cameras.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, what do you say we bring them

both back to life?

Rip, do you copy?

Damn it. Rip, just in case you can hear me,

I feel it's time to finally admit why I hate pogo sticks.

I used to love pogo-sticking as a kid.

I'd pogo all over town.

But then, one day, I left my pogo unattended,

and my grandpa, who idolized me,

took it for a ride.

He pogoed up to the town canyon

and went over the edge...

No!

...where he bounced off

the canyon floor and then shot up

into the sky! And he got chopped up

in a passing seaplane's propeller.

No...!

The whole experience made my family uncomfortable.

And ever since that day,

I never pogoed again.

Okay, our next item is a 19th century Queen Anne highboy.

Can I get a ten, ten, ten?

How about 11 now, 11 now?

Ten, ten, ten, 11...

Pennsylvania Dutch tinware

with a tole-painted design.

Vibrant colors.

Gooseneck spout.

Yeah, I'd say that, in auction,

this would go for roughly...

nine Gs!

Wow. Thank you, Antiquarian.

Go see my associate to set up the auction.

Our cut is 40%.

And who the hell are you?

I'm interested in the Holy Grail.

No shit. Who isn't? It's the ultimate antique.

Every asshole in here wants that thing on their mantel.

Taffy? Mmm.

Hooey, that's some salty water.

No, you don't understand.

I'm talking about the Grail that came from Puffland.

Something's wrong with it.

I don't know nothing

- about that. - Yes, you do.

And so what? I ought to wash your mouth out

with distilled white vinegar

and scrub you with artisanal potpourri

for even mentioning that thing around me.

Now beat it or I'll put an antique bullet in your brain.

Do that

and they'll be cleaning you off the ceiling for weeks.

Agatha? But I thought you said you don't help quitters.

I always say crazy shit like that.

I was just being random.

Now you're gonna tell us everything about the Grail.

Fine. I'll tell you.

But you're not gonna like it.

Yeah.

Thank you!

And now please welcome Quail Eegan!

Showmanship!

Now, I know there's been talk

that I didn't find the real Holy Grail.

So how about I prove it?

Let's resurrect some frozen corpses!

This is my dad.

And that's the great arky Bella Torres,

who didn't take Rip Digman's last name.

As you may know, they've both been dead for years.

But not for much longer.

Oh, my gosh.

Son?

Dad.

Is it really you?

Where am I?

The last thing I remember,

I was in the kitchen.

That's right, Dad. You died years ago,

but I became a billionaire and brought you back to life

using the Holy Grail

so that you could see my spectacular new museum.

That's what I was going to guess happened.

Oh, Quail, I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

I love you, too!

Wow. Did you just see that?

That was amazing.

Your turn.

Okay.

Something's wrong. I got to help Rip.

But this museum is huge. How will I find him in time?

So we meet again, you springy bitch.

Okay.

Here I go.

No, Rip! Don't! Don't!

Who said that? Rip!

- Don't! - Saltine said that!

Oh, this is just my luck. Here I am, trying to revive

my frozen spouse with water from the Holy Grail,

and who interrupts me?

My former assistant!

I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't my own crazy life!

Rip, don't do it! It's...

Anyways, back to this. Aw.

I haven't seen that ear in many moons.

Huh.

I forgot about that scar, though.

I'm just gonna open it.

I don't think it's booby-trapped.

It definitely is.

I doubt it.

It's gonna leave a scar,

but you'll be fine.

Why didn't you listen to me?

I was trying to enjoy the ride

and you just kept pushing my butt in.

Rip, you only say that

when someone who loves you is trying to help you.

You get mad that they know what's best for you.

Why would I get mad about that?

Because you have major psychological issues

and you should go to therapy.

The industry of death?!

Just remember this, Rip--

whenever you think someone is "pushing your butt in,"

it means they care about you.

So you should always listen to them...

and do what they say.

Rip, what are you waiting for?

Let her drink from the Grail.

- Bring her back. - Yes, give her a sip.

As another recently revived American,

I can say it was quite refreshing.

No.

And pray tell, why not?

Because even though I want more than anything

to bring Bella back to life,

what she would want me to do

is listen to someone who pushes my butt in.

Whip!

Jump kick!

I was a cod-headed fool to let you quit, Saltine.

- I'm sorry. - Rip!

I conquered my fear of pogo sticks!

The main thing we all care about!

Oh, shit. Is that the Grail?

They stopped you from giving it to Bella?

Don't worry! I'm on it!

- Swooper, no! - Swooper, no!

No...!

Bella?

My love?

Yes, it's me.

I'm here.

Not you.

- Huh?! - My dear.

Papa?

I was trying to tell you--

it's not the Holy Grail.

It's the Unholy Grail.

I'll be taking that.

Whoa!

Let's raise a glass...

to evil.

How did I not notice that sticker?

Bella, if you can hear me in there,

you have to fight this!

I am no longer Bella.

I am the Antichrist!

And I am...

the Uncle Christ.

Auntie Christ and Uncle Christ.

That's really clever!

And, together, we shall destroy

all of mankind!

Die!

Huh.

Following the incident at the Eegan tonight,

the Antichrist and Uncle Christ destroyed a power plant,

throwing the world further into chaos.

Hey, guys. Sorry again for bringing Bella back to life

as the embodiment of pure evil.

To make it up to you,

I got acai bowls for everyone!

Swooper, there's no time for acai bowls right now.

- Not even a bite? - No!

Because we have a new mission.

Stupid Antichrist

ruining my grand opening.

Hello, Mr. Eegan.

Billy Themet?

What are you doing here?

I checked out your museum

and found it to be...

quite impressive indeed.

But I ruined it all by unleashing hell on Earth.

On the contrary.

The Antichrist and the Uncle Christ

may prove quite useful to us.

Tell me, Mr. Eegan, have you ever heard of...

The Council?

We have

a mission to restore order to the world.

A mission to undo the horrors I have very indirectly caused.

And there's only one way to accomplish said mission.

We have to kill Bella.

And how are we gonna do that?

I'll tell you next season.

- Season? - Yeah. As mentioned,

today was June 20, aka the last day of spring.

And it will be midnight in three,

two, one. Now, as I was say...

Chirp.