Original subtitles

Checkmate.

You checkmated my queen, not my king.

We're playing lesbian chess because I'm lesbian,

so the queen trumps the king.

- Ah, fair enough. Good game. - Shush.

Can you keep it down, please?

Why is he so nervous?

Invites are going out tonight for the Arky Gala.

They're hand-delivered to all the top Arkies.

Wow, the Arky Gala is the most exclusive

and sexy event of the year.

Well, if I get invited, you'll get to come, too.

Assistants are mandatory plus-ones.

Oh, my goggles.

That's a catchphrase I'm trying out

because I wear glasses.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

ArkyTV says I'm on the bubble.

Well, I hope we get invited.

- It sounds fun! - I don't want to go to have fun.

I want to go so I can curry favor

with a venerable Richard Longtooth!

Who? -He's the CEO of Splunk Energy Drinks.

Rip and Bella were their spokespeople.

- You were a Splunksman? - Indeed.

And together we were Splunkspeople.

It's not often that advertising meets art,

but in our campaign, that's exactly what transpired.

♪ If you're stuck in a funk ♪

♪ You got to drink Splunk ♪

♪ Will it shrink my junk? ♪

♪ What, are you drunk? ♪

♪ That rumor's debunked ♪

♪ I got to drink Splunk. ♪

I know if I can just suckle a tiny taste of talky time

with Longtooth, a Splunksman once more could I be.

That could be the fucking invite!

Sorry, Rip. Just testin' out the doorbell.

You got to do that every year.

Ugh, Swooper, don't do that again.

I'm expecting someone very important.

I told you not to ring it again!

I didn't. It rang on its own 'cause it's broken.

See? Good thing I tested it.

Sorry, that was me. It was an accident that time.

Sorry, forgot you didn't want me to ring it.

That's on me.

Okay, that time, I was doing a goof

where I pretended to push it,

but then I did actually push it, so I know I messed up.

Sorry. Another accident.

Rip Digman, you have been invited to the Arky Gala.

Yes! This is the happiest I've been

in many moons!

And, for the occasion, my tuxedo of deepest brown.

Remember, my darling Maraschino Cherry?

Dip me, Rip,

like I'm a mozzarella stick

and the floor is marinara sauce.

Hydip!

Oh, how I miss you.

Tux shrank in the closet,

probably due to the temperate air.

Let me just...

Ow!

It was an accident!

It's archaeology's biggest night,

and all the stars are out,

from Mayor Magooble to Zane Troy himself.

Oh, Rip Digman. Say, what's it like to be back

at the Arky Gala after so many years

- as a punchline? - A punchline?

You mean the best part of a joke? It feels great.

And as always, no one outside of the venue will have

any idea what's going on inside.

That's right, Howard.

As you can see, guests are depositing their phones

and signing NDAs in order to enter the event.

But I wanted to play with my clock app.

So we'll never know exactly what's happening at this party,

but I would imagine there are a ton of drugs.

More flake than you can possibly imagine,

and probably a sex room.

A big, orgy sex room

where everyone is fucking and sucking

to their heart's content. Howard.

Thanks, Doreen, for that vivid speculation.

But alas, we can only wonder

what sort of debauchery goes on in there.

Rest assured, whatever it is must be very cool.

Hey, everyone, it's time for the Arky shuffle!

♪ Dig, dig ♪

♪ Clean dirt from a vase ♪

♪ Now look inside a tomb and get scared of a mummy ♪

♪ Run away from the mummy, now dust a little dust ♪

♪ Whip to the left, whip to the right ♪

♪ Now excavate and swing from a vine ♪

- Come on, Rip. - Hard pass.

I haven't danced since Bella died.

♪ Sink, sink ♪

♪ There's quicksand on the floor ♪

- Excuse me. - My God.

It's synchronicity. It's exquisite.

I spy with my little Arky eye:

- Mr. Longtooth. - Great!

I can show him a magic trick to butter him up.

I shoved a huge ribbon in my throat before we got here,

and I'm dying to get it out.

Respectfully, that sounds like

the worst idea I've ever heard in my entire life.

- That was respectful? - Yes.

The disrespectful version would've been that it was

the worst idea I've heard in all my many lives,

were I to believe in reincarnation,

which I strongly don't.

Anyway, you need to head over

to the assistants' section. Aw, man!

I can't believe how many people are drinking champagne here

when they could be enjoying a Splunk Energy Drink.

Oh, hey, Mr. Longtooth. I didn't see you there.

Is there a finer sight in all the world than the Arky shuffle?

Mmm! It's absolutely mesmerizing. Oh, Rip Digman.

Been a while since I've seen you around these parts.

Well, I'm back and feeling very good,

which reminds me of my favorite flavor of Splunk, Berry Splunk.

Well, this is pathetic.

Rip, are you seriously trying to pitch yourself

as a new Splunksperson for Splunk?

How desperate.

Mr. Longtooth, would you care to see a magic trick?

Wow, there was so much ribbon in there.

- Oh, goddamn it! - Can I buy you a drink?

It's an open bar, but sure.

Hello, fellow assistant Arkies.

What do you all think of the latest issue

of Assistant Arky Magazine?

Hmm. Talk about a humdinger, right?

Ah! -Hey, I haven't seen you around before.

I'd be more than happy to show you the ropes if you want.

You know, mentor you.

Back off, creep.

Oh, s-sorry, ma'am. S-Sorry.

Hey, I'm Trisket. I like your vest.

Thank you. It helps me keep track of

where my torso ends and begins.

By the way, wearing sunglasses inside

where you're protected from UV rays,

that's badass.

- Want to try them on? - Over my glasses?

- Okay. - Looks good. I like your vibe.

Really? My mom always said I come on too strong.

But then again, she doesn't talk to me anymore.

Neither does my dad. Oh, no. See? I'm doing it again.

Nah, it's cool. My parents hate me, too.

Apparently, no daughter of theirs would ever

"moon people all the time."

- Whoa. You're so cool. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, you want to go, flyboy? I'm down for a donnybrook!

Oh, yeah? I'm gonna punch the tip of your cock.

Come on.

Wait, you're his assistant?

Saltine, why are you fraternizing

with my greatest enemy's subordinate?

- That's Trisket, my new friend. - Oh, no, she's not.

If I ever catch you talking to her again, you're fired.

- But that's not fair! - And that goes double for you,

- Trisket, you little wanker. - Okay.

Oh, man.

Please tell me you're not gonna drink that.

Trisket, we're not supposed to talk to each other.

We could get fired.

Then let's go somewhere

they can't see us.

You mean break a rule?

Okay, I'm obsessed.

Attention, everyone.

I'm Billy Themet, head of the Met,

and I want to welcome you all.

I haven't tried the food because I'm waiting for

my wife to cut it up for me, but it smells delectable.

I want to share an exciting announcement.

Tomorrow we break ground on a new wing of the museum,

all thanks to a generous donation from Rich Longtooth.

The Longtooth wing will be just as refreshing

and exciting as my non-FDA-approved energy drinks.

Everyone into the temple.

Detonate the charges.

We're here to stop the museum from expanding.

So we can say Zapper's Arcade!

Sorry to crash your party, moldy oldies.

You can call me High Score

'cause I have the high score in every game at Zapper's.

Meet your other hosts for the evening.

- Boombox. - Pump up the volume.

Tomboy. -I'm a girl that dresses different.

Allergies.

- Slingshot. - Sling-a-ding dong.

Dojo Dave.

- Australia. - Have a go, ya mug.

And Booby Trap.

Zapper's is where we hang out every day,

and we're not gonna let a bunch of moldy oldies

tear it down just to make your stupid museum bigger.

So, here's how this is gonna go.

Mayor Magooble is gonna sign this form

to make Zapper's Arcade a historic landmark

that can't be demolished.

Do that, Mr. Mayor, and you'll find

your campaign contributions drying up

- before the next election cycle. - I can't sign it.

It'd be political suicide!

Suit yourself, but if you don't sign within an hour,

an Arky will die every ten minutes.

- Of natural causes? - No, of murder.

All right, enough of this BS.

There's no way these snot-nosed brats

are gonna murder anyone.

Oh, won't we?

The children have the upper head.

You'll never get away with this.

Oh, yes, we will.

You moldy oldies gave up your phones,

so you can't call the cops.

And those NDAs you signed means

no one can say a word about what happens tonight.

You're trapped!

Mon Dieu, he's right. The NDAs.

Why did we sign those?

It's your choice, Mr. Mayor.

Sign the landmark form or watch the world's greatest Arkies die.

And if any of you are thinking about escaping,

we filled the moat with piranhas.

Even if you made it across, you'd have to deal with

an oil slick. Booby Trap.

Holy hell. One step on that oil,

and we'll likely slip straight to death.

Well, well, well. Rip Digman.

I've played your arcade game at Zapper's.

My arcade game?

The Arcade Game!

King Tut is back,

and he is pissed at archaeologists.

Play as Rip or Bella as we battle

to rescue Swooper from Tut's evil clutches.

Power up by eating iguana jerky.

But don't let Tut defeat you.

Tonight I dine on Arky hummus.

Good God.

And it's the only game

with ungrounded wiring so you get shocked as you play.

- Ow! Fu-- - Digman!

But they buried all the copies of my game in the Arizona desert

after everyone complained that it was impossible to beat.

Impossible to beat?

No, you just got to know the trick.

The trick? What trick?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Australia, Slingshot. Search the whole museum.

Hunt for stragglers. Dojo Dave.

You're in charge of security while we're gone.

Got to be honest.

This kid has amazing leadership skills.

- I can't see anything. - Here.

Wow.

This is my favorite room in the museum.

It's an exact recreation of a bedroom

from the Victorian era.

Ooh! It even has an authentic chamber pot.

- Man, that thing is beat up. - I know, right?

And look, there's even an original copy

of my favorite book.

There are many stories about heights that are not wuthering.

This is not one of those stories.

- Such good writing. - This is cool.

I've never hung out with an assistant Arky

- I actually like. - Same.

- You're like my first friend. - Yeah, same.

Maybe we can have another friend-hang next week.

That sounds great. Oh, who am I kidding?

Rip and Zane would never allow that.

And I can't get fired.

Being an Arky is my dream. I'm sorry.

This needs to be a one-night-only friendship.

Alas, we're fated to be star-crossed homies.

Star-crossed homies. I love that phrase. Oh!

- Hey there, kids. - Okay, here's the deal.

Whoever gets us the hell out of here will be named

the spokesperson for Splunk Energy Drinks.

In that case, it shall be me.

Toodle-oo, chaps.

Merde. He was the best jumper of us all.

I could certainly never jump that far.

Man, that skeleton is cool as shit, though.

Silver lining, I guess.

What are you kids doing here?

Uh, just enjoying this awesome museum.

But it's closed.

Yeah, we absolutely love history,

- so we snuck in. - Ah, I used to do that.

Let me guess. Gate C?

Exactly. Gate C.

Well, you guys picked a simply fascinating exhibit,

but there's just one problem.

- There is no Gate C. - Now!

Australia, report in. Everything clear?

Could use your help with the hostages.

Hostages? Uh, yeah.

It's all bonzer out here.

And good on ya for asking.

Copy that. Over and out.

- Wow. That was fucking spot-on. - Right?

We are dead.

Sure, eventually we'll go the way of all flesh,

but perhaps not today.

Follow me.

This temple was transported completely intact from Egypt,

and inside was a great pharaoh's tomb.

As was tradition, he was buried

with his organs hidden nearby in Canopic jars.

If we can find a preserved organ like this,

we can throw it in the water to distract the piranhas.

Soup's on.

Don't you have a race car bed to piss?

Whoa!

He's just a kid, Rip. How are you losing?

He's shockingly strong.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Hey, Rip.

Fuck off.

Zane's about to get out and free us all.

One more step, and he's my new Splunksman.

Never!

Ah!

Nice.

Wha...

Well, your hour is up, Mr. Mayor.

What's it gonna be?

- I'll never sign. - Very well.

Then the time has come for an Arky to die.

Any volunteers? Him!

Oh, my goggles.

- Where are we going? - After observing those kids,

I think I know how to defeat them.

Wait. Should we even bother?

- What do you mean? - If we do,

everyone will learn the truth,

that we're friends.

I can't keep our friendship in the shadows anymore.

Here. I stole this from the gift shop earlier.

- It's a brontosaurus bracelet. - That's funny.

I also got you a bronto bracelet.

Whoa. Okay, this just got quite real.

Time for your kill scream, Rip.

Any last words?

Only these: Mr. Longtooth,

feel free to use my image posthumously

in an ad for Splunk. I don't mind.

I'm not sure that's...

You can make me do whatever feels right.

It can be demeaning, nasty, perverted stuff.

If you want, you could even use actual footage of my autopsy.

And the doctor could be like, "Hey, where's the balls?"

That is A-okay with me.

Wow. You really are a sad man.

Sad?

Would a sad guy do this?

It's game over for you, Rip.

Game over?

Wait. What about this?

If I can beat your high score in the Digman video game,

you let me go.

If I can't, you can kill me and everyone else here.

What the fuck, Rip?

No, I think I'll just kill you.

Oh, I get it.

Is this how you keep your high scores intact?

You murder anyone who may actually

- threaten your pixelated crown? - No, I...

Fine, then, just kill me,

since you're so afraid I'll humiliate you.

Just do it and then kill Zane.

Bring in the game.

Here are the rules: if Rip beats High Score's high score,

you go free. If he doesn't, you die.

Step aside, pizza face.

It's go time.

Aw, fucking no way!

Oh, I'm so fucked! I'm so royally fucked!

And one quarter pourer to boot.

Time's up, Rip.

I'm coming, Bella.

- Not so fast. - Saltine!

Wh-What?

I can't hear my boombox. Who am I?

- Ha! - Whoa, whoa.

Hooray! All right!

Yay!

Rip, before you say anything,

this is Trisket, and she's my friend.

If you can't accept that, it's your problem.

No, yeah, it's fine.

I don't give a shit about that stuff anymore.

You saved our lives!

- Oh, really? - Trisket, we're leaving.

Ugh! I got to go. Zane's my ride.

Wait a minute. Where's High Score?

Huh.

High Score?

I was hoping you'd find me in here.

Perhaps I should introduce myself.

You already did. You're High Score.

My name isn't High Score.

It's Ponce de Leon.

500 years ago, me and my fellow conquistadores--

Tomboy, Allergies, Boombox and the rest--

found the Fountain of Youth here in Nueva York.

I created a cover story that it was in Florida

to throw people off,

but we've been living in a state of

perpetual youth for centuries.

Ironic, isn't it? After all that,

I was the moldiest oldie of all.

Whoa. So, uh, just wondering.

Can this fountain bring people back to life?

No, it just makes you look younger.

But the older you get,

the more often you need to drink from it.

That's why I'm always sipping from my cup.

The water from the lake runs up the tube

into the soda fountain.

But I can't let it fall into the hands

of the museum, it's too addictive.

It makes you feel youthful, like bangs,

but it also overtakes your life, like bangs.

So I'm gonna hit this button and destroy it once and for all.

Don't move a muscle.

Wait, not even my heart muscle? Because I would die.

You know the heart is a muscle, right?

I swear I'm not trying to be a know-it-all.

I'm just saying, you said, "Don't move a muscle,"

but I got to keep moving that one, Mr. Longtooth.

Okay, my hands are up.

What the hell are you doing, Longtooth?

I've been searching for the fountain for decades.

When I discovered it was here, I donated a fortune

to expand the museum and gain access.

And now that it's mine, I'll add it to Splunk.

An addictive drink that also makes you look younger?

I'll make billions.

Oh. Ah, I feel 40 years old.

The age at which life begins,

according to Women's World magazine.

I bet I can do the splits again.

Rip, I need to tell you

how to beat the Digman video game.

It's impossible to beat it solo,

but when you play it two-player,

Rip and Bella can do a combo move

to defeat the final boss.

It's all about... it's all about teamwork.

- He's dead. - Saltine, you heard him.

- We need to do teamwork. - But what kind?

The one thing Longtooth can't tear his eyes away from.

The Arky shuffle.

Two, three, four.

♪ Now dig, now dig ♪

♪ Clean dirt from a vase ♪

♪ Now look inside a tomb, get scared of a mummy ♪

-♪ Run away from a mummy. ♪ - Wait.

Wait, what are you doing? My God.

That dance, it's incredible.

It's working. He's falling under our spell.

- Now let's ice this moldy oldie. - For High Score!

Aw, look. He's just a baby now.

Indeed, but it'll wear off.

Ponce said so himself.

There's only one thing left to do.

He's actually an old man, don't forget.

I know it looks bad, but it's totally aboveboard.

This is a necessary evil.

Not even evil, just totally and completely necessary.

There. That piece of shit is dead.

Man, that's tough to look at.

Also, I got to say, didn't feel good doing that.

But it was the only option. Had to do it.

I'm sure he's gonna re-age any second,

and it'll be like I definitely didn't kill a baby.

Any second now.

I'm betting it still reverts even though he's dead.

That magic water's gonna wear off, and it'll be aces.

Any second.

Oh, fuck yes! Thank Christ!

That was a little touch-and-go there for a minute,

right, Saltine?

And by the way, I'm off the hook for the one earlier, too.

The karate guy? He was also old.

Yeah, man.

All right, now that that is neatly and morally settled,

let's blow this place to hell and get out of here.

Did you yell "For High Score" earlier?

I did. Yeah. It's weird in retrospect.

We didn't really know him, and he was pretty much the villain

most of the time, but... heat of the moment.

A giant sinkhole formed next to the Arky Gala

last night, destroying Zapper's Arcade

and killing the CEO of Splunk Energy Drinks.

We wish we could provide you with more details,

but since everyone signed NDAs,

nobody who was there is allowed to say what happened.

Airtight NDAs once again

spoil what we can only assume would be a great story.

Ooh! We almost got him.

We got to do the combo move.

C-C-Combo!

♪ If ever you think about ♪

♪ The happiest days of your life ♪

♪ Cast back your mind for a while...♪

Yeah!

I couldn't have done it without you, Bella.

I love you. We will never be apart.

♪ Just remember all the good times that you had♪ -

Oh, no! Damn it!

♪ Do you remember only happy days ♪

♪ Full of flaming Junes... ♪

Fleety! Stop! It was an accident!

♪ Or do you remember ♪

♪ Those stormy Novembers ♪

♪ When we walked in the wind and the rain?♪

♪ Schooldays were such happy days.♪

Chirp.