Original subtitles

Packed in there perfectly like a Jenga, Nora.

Oh.

Nora, what are you doing?

Didn't you just work a full day at the bodega?

Yeah. Can't stop, won't stop, Father.

I gotta sell some of my old shoes on Depop.

I got my little slime biz here,

getting ready to ship out these little babies.

- What? - And I working on this logo.

It looks like a butthole.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

It's for a sexual Kratom company.

I could do your wedding invites as well.

I have all types of different templates.

No, thank you.

Ew, what the hell is that?

Oh, this is slime.

This is huge on the Instagram.

- You're selling that? - All the little kiddies love it.

I'm just trying to get the right texture,

which is actually harder than you think.

Yeah, Nora, listen. You should be concentrating

on the whole... Like a career, you know?

Not just selling 100 different things on the Internet.

Just get a 9:00 to 5:00 job like a normal person.

Dad, I'm not like you, okay?

I am not built for that boring, normal, stable...

What am I gonna work for, health benefits?

You need an income, Nora.

I can make 50K right now.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Look at this, I get these casting ads all the time.

There's a reality show.

- Too Hot to Survive. - "Too Hot to Survive"?

"Sexy, fit singles live in a house,

do challenges."

Like physical challenges on a reality show?

Why you laughing?

You don't have any core strength.

I have core strength. I'm strong inside.

You quit the dental assistant program.

You quit guitar lessons. You quit Wordle.

Everyone quit Wordle.

Quitters never win, Nora.

Oh, my God, you really don't think I could do it.

You struggle doing a lady pushup.

- No, I don't. - Princess.

I am like, I'm so good. I could do...

I'm gonna pop one for you right now.

Jesus.

You got this, you silly goose.

Oh, shit.

One.

You know, they're never gonna pick you for that thing.

I'm your host, Dave Lee,

and these are the gorgeous idiots

all vying to be the last one standing

on Too Hot to Survive!

Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys, come on in.

Make yourselves at home.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!

- This is insane. - It is!

- Boozing it up. - I can do yoga there.

I can do yoga there.

Yo, can we, can we...

Ah, thank you, thank you.

You can sit down. You don't have to

be all on the steps.

There you go.

Yeah, for sure.

My name is Nora. So, hey, my name's Nora.

Did you want me to "Hey"?

Hey, my name is Nora.

I've come to make friends

and show off some of the goods,

my goods, my body goods.

I'm Poosh. That is short for Pupoosha.

And I am from the beautiful country

of Houston, Texas.

Go, Texans, whoo!

So my name is Ozzy, you know, rhymes with Fozzie,

like the bear who is my personal hero

because he wears a hat, a scarf, with no pants,

which means that doink is out.

You feel me?

No, seriously, I'm here because I'm trying

to purchase a car named Mandy.

I need $50,000 and I need it quick.

And I'm also here to prove my fucking stupid dad wrong.

Suck it, Dad.

I'm Shawn. I'm a short king,

and I am ready to slay some box, if you catch my drift.

And also to win enough money

to pay for my uncle's dialysis machine.

All right, pull it back.

Okay, my little hotties.

Do you wanna see where you'll be sleeping?

Yes! All right.

Let's go on in.

Is that one giant bed?

Don't look down the lens, just go on in.

Man, this is gonna be so epic!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

I get to be in the middle.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

Is this mongolian sheep hair?

Ooh, everything is so nice.

Wow, all of us on the same bed, huh?

That's cool.

I'm a bit of a night-sweater.

I sweat at night.

It's... I wake up drenched.

- No, no. - Good morning.

- Oh, hey, Ma. - Hey.

- How you doing? - Okay.

I'm just getting a Tupperware to soak some seaweed.

You be careful.

I'm fine.

Hey, get down from there!

- Easy. - Okay.

Gosh, this is dangerous. You could kill yourself.

Just get me and tell me, and I can help you.

Son, you're not always here, but Jessimae is.

Love you, Jessimae.

You know, you don't need that.

- Give me that. You don't... - No, I do, I do need this.

Let go, Mom.

Jesus Christ.

And what the hell is it? It's so fucked-up-looking.

This stool has been in the family longer than you.

That doesn't matter. It's broken. You need to...

Excuse me, I will go to G Mart.

No, no, no, you can't go to G Mart by yourself.

You know Nora doesn't like that

and she's off doing that stupid TV show.

Why aren't you at work, anyway?

Because, obviously, I'm needed here to help you

so that you don't fall and break your neck.

- Right? - No. I'm okay.

- We're going to G Mart. - No.

- Get in the car... Yes! - No. No.

- In the car, lady. - Eh, fine.

Right now, march.

- I'm going to drive. - No, you're not.

Cheers.

To us.

Don't give me the whole bottle.

Oh, my God, Dillo and Ozzy are so cute.

And Jan, Jan is so hot. I'd totally do Jan.

Who?

Hello, party people.

Yeah, what's up?

It's that guy.

Oh, welcome to your new digs. You liking the place?

Yeah.

Oh, that's too bad because you gotta get the fuck out!

Is that a fire alarm?

No, just a tasty twist.

- Tasty... - What?

Turns out this game isn't about surviving the competition.

It's about actual survival.

They won't be doing it in this house.

They'll be doing it on the Pee Pee Beach.

Wait, what beach?

I love beaches.

- You guys ready? - No.

Well, too bad! You should've read the fine print!

Welcome to the real Too Hot to Survive.

Brought to you by Pee Pee Champagne,

the official champagne of Pee Pee Beach.

Glug, glug. Pee, pee!

To win that $50,000,

our contestants must survive to the end.

Find this special acorn and bring it to this flag.

I found it! Oh, my God, it's right there.

Not this one, you beautiful dumbass.

There's another one of these

hidden somewhere on the island

off Pee Pee Beach.

In order to find it, you'll need clues,

and in order to get clues,

you'll need to win challenges,

but first a reward challenge

and it starts, tick tock, tick tock, tick, now!

Yes!

One lucky winner sleeps on an air mattress tonight

instead of the sand.

Whoever blows up their palm tree first, wins.

The only catch is you can't use your hands or feet.

Begin.

Yes, bitch.

Fuck, yeah!

Is she using her ass? Genius.

Full disclosure, I didn't know what to think about Nora

because she has the voice of an 80-year-old man,

but watching her pump that balloon,

man.

And my dad said I have no core strength!

That doesn't work. That's not how you do it.

- That's not how you do it. - Wow, almost there.

That's not how you do it!

Yes!

Yes. Congratulations, Nora. You win.

And you get to sleep in comfort tonight.

It wasn't me. It was my perineum.

Okay. Perineum.

Short King grew a few inches, if you know what I mean.

I mean my dick.

Let's see.

Oh, Ma, no.

These are so sticky, these gummies.

I don't wanna be helping you

pick this shit out of your teeth for an hour

- like last time. - Ah.

Ah, shrimpey chips.

Oh, Ma, you're killing me. You're killing me.

Look, these are 75% preservatives,

they're full of sodium, and they're fried.

You love these.

I know, I know, but, you know, maybe we could eat

a little bit healthier.

- No, give it back. - No. No.

- Ma, give it back. - Come on.

- No. No! No. - Ma, let go! Let go.

What?

- Elder abuse! Elder abuse! - No, no, no!

Somebody record this so I can get on NextShark!

Hey, stop it. Get up, get up, get up.

Ozzy, Jan, Dillo, and Poosh,

I don't know, are just kind of, like, dancing in a circle,

forming a friendship that seems everlasting.

And I asked if I could come

and they said there wasn't enough room,

which is a weird thing to say about the ocean,

but I'm not angry about it.

Alas, I have come to win one challenge.

Um, so fuck you, Dad!

Ow! The mosquitoes here are so big.

Not enough room in the ocean for you either, huh?

Don't worry. The only alliance that matters

is you, boop, and me, boop.

As long as we keep winning, dude, we'll be fine.

Ooh, I love the confidence of a tall goddess.

I'm, like, 5'2".

You had me at five.

You wanna cuddle,

so we can keep each other warm with body heat?

It's, like, 85 degrees and humid.

I know. I love a wet sleep.

Okay.

Frankenstein!

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I do that at night.

Wally! Wally!

Yes, Ma, what happened?

What's the matter?

Where is she?

I have no idea what you're talking about, Ma.

You have every idea.

Where is Jessimae?

Well, Jessimae is apparently a person.

Maybe she walked out of here on her own.

Very funny. Give her back or else.

I have no idea where she is.

Well, then I'm afraid I'm gonna have to forfeit

eating healthy, nutritious, top-shelf food

in exchange for bottom-shelf bullshit.

Ma.

Ma.

I'm a bottom feeder now, Wally.

And it's all your fault.

You are one crafty Chinese bitch.

It's a new day in paradise

on Pee Pee Beach.

Today is their first elimination challenge.

Our contestants are paired in teams of two.

Poosh and Ozzy, Jan and Dillo,

and Norbert and Shawn.

- It's Nora. - Short King.

The challenge is simple.

They'll search a mud bucket to find a key.

Then once they have the key,

they have to delicately unlock

the final pieces of a 3D puzzle.

First team to solve that 3D puzzle

wins a clue to the acorn.

Last team gets eliminated. Begin.

What...

I got it. I just wanna say first,

I just wanna say I'm so happy that we're teamed up together.

I got this for you. I don't want you to get dirty.

Just continue.

I don't really wanna touch the mud, though.

I really don't wanna touch the mud. It's...

What you mean you don't wanna touch the mud?

This is a... Get out of here!

Oh, here's the key.

Yes! Yes!

Wow, Jan and Dillo surprisingly good at this.

Go counterclockwise to you know where you are.

Start in the corner and work this way.

You don't even wanna touch it, dude.

- You got this. - Get in there.

Dig deeper. Hurry! Oh, give it here.

Yes! Yes! We're amazing.

Jan and Dillo win, but two teams remain.

Turn it.

We gotta move. We gotta do something.

Something's not right.

Here you go. Baby wants, baby gets.

Okay. Hold on with the "baby."

Oh, Nora and Shawn arguing

like me and my wife over the last slice of pizza.

And I hate pizza.

This? Pick this? Okay.

- This one. - Yes.

I'm helping. I'm contributing. I'm contributing.

- Great job, okay. - I can do the last piece.

Okay. Let's do it together.

Help me, help me. Oh, yeah.

We don't need two people for this, Short King.

Nora and Shawn with the last piece.

- Yes! - That means they're safe.

And Poosh and Ozzy have been eliminated.

So slow.

I wasn't good at geometry. It wasn't my thing.

I'm sorry.

I just can't believe I lost

to a girl wearing socks on the beach the whole time.

I just kinda think this game is bullshit.

And...

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck was that?

Poosha, my God!

Oh, yeah.

Surprise twist, guys, you've just heard the foghorn of death

which means Poosh and Ozzy have been eliminated.

You mean "executed."

Oh, my God, this is... This is like a reality Squid Game.

Not at all. This is Too Hot to Survive.

No! No, wait for me!

Did you get my good side?

We're down to our final four

and everyone's searching for that special acorn.

Two of them have a clue.

Two of them have no clue whatsoever.

Now let's go see some more bloodshed.

We gotta find that acorn.

We don't have any clues.

Maybe we could just live here and make short babies.

No. I can't go out like this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I think Jan just died!

Oh, no, Jan.

We have to hold it together. We have to keep on going.

Okay.

Oh, no, I can't do this!

Short people never win.

They win sometimes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Short King.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Winners never quit.

Quitters never win.

Ooh, what was that?

Ma, what the hell are you doing?

What the hell you think I'm doing?

I'm looking for Jessimae.

Oh, Jessimae...

Is she behind this calendar?

- No. Ma, no! - Maybe I should look.

What the hell are you do... Come on.

Are you crazy?

I'm sorry. Does it hurt your feelings

when someone messes with your personal property?

Oh, Ma, why?

Why you even home now? You should be at work!

I got fired, Mom.

What?

All right. Don't make me say it again.

Here's your Jessimae.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just gonna have to get another job, I guess.

I haven't told Brenda yet.

I will, though.

I'm sure you'll get another job soon.

In fact, I have one for you now.

Do you?

Clean your fucking room.

Must find acorn.

Acorn.

Must find acorn.

Hungry.

Ra, ra, ra!

Logo.

Logo!

Yes. Acorn!

Acorn!

Victory is mine!

Wow. We didn't think it was possible,

but Nora has found the special acorn.

I love acorn!

Yes, and acorn loves you.

Congratulations, Nora.

Everybody dead.

Oh. Well, um, nobody died.

Nobody got blasted,

so all good. We're gonna cut that out.

What?

JK.

- Oh, yeah. - Nora.

The game was fake all along.

Anytime someone was eliminated, they fell through a trap door

and we brought them here, yes, yes.

All of us got to see the rest of the game

and, quite frankly, you did amazing.

Girl, you were so flames, eating that bird alive.

And then when you drank your own pee

and then peed out your own pee,

it was Mother Nature collapsing on itself.

You should really be proud.

But, unfortunately, we had to

give the prize money to Short King,

for legal reasons,

because when he fell through the trap door,

he broke his leg.

I'm gonna grow it back bigger.

But we have something for you that's even better than money.

Wait for it.

Tada!

You get to keep this.

Yeah. And, of course, you have your memories,

which is like you look back and laugh,

like, "Oh, my God, it was amazing.

I thought everyone died."

But it's just that nobody can ever see the show

because we can never air it.

Okay.

It's all good.

To you, thank you for my ability

to be here on the programming.

- Anytime. - And to you folks,

I bid you adieu.

Gracious...

No, she's good, she's good.

Don't get all afraid of me.

It's so emotional. I can't...

No!

I was really rooting for you.

I'm sorry the whole game thing

didn't work out, though, princess.

Oh, no, you're right.

Reality shows aren't really the best way

to make a living, I guess.

Oh, but, I mean, come on. You won the whole goddamn thing.

You showed everybody.

No, I did, yeah.

Showed myself that I could eat raw seagull

that I killed myself.

- You killed it yourself. - Yeah.

- It was liberating, Father. - It was amazing.

Yeah, I should've known better than to underestimate you.

Look at me. I'm the unemployed loser.

You'll get a job in no time, Dad.

- Yeah, I... - And until then,

I got alot of things going on.

I can keep the family afloat for a little while.

Wow.

So all you got was this Pee Pee Champagne?

Yes, Pee Pee Shom-phan-yeh, the call it.

Directly from the Pee Pee.

From the Urian region.

And I also got the acorn, which I gave to Grandma

because she likes to keep all my old trophies.

Wow.

Ah, Jessimae, you're hurt.

Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.

Well, time to retire you.

Who the is Awkwafina?

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