All language subtitles for A.black.lady.sketch.show.S01E06.AMZN.WEB-DL.720p-MZABI.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

Soul food Saturday!
Saturday for soul food!

Finally, we have a place in the hood
that is owned by black folks!

I heard the oxtails are to die for.
Hi! Table for two?

Oh, hey, babies. Read the sign.

What's she talking about?
Oh, wait a minute.

Sit wherever.

That's okay. The sign probably
just fell on the floor, so...

We 'bout to tip 40 percent
and give them a six-star Yelp review.

It's hard to open
a business in the hood.

My aunt's daycare got shut down.
That's just 'cause it was a casino.

Those little hands could shuffle
fast though. She's smart.

Just give me a minute.
I'm the only one working.

See, this is why we have to support.
If we just come here 57 more times...

- They will have more servers.
- However, business is booming.

So let's see what
these oxtails are talmbout.

I'm back. Before I get started,
we're out of a few things.

- That's okay.
- The whole left side of the menu.

That's no problem. No problem.

I will have the mac and cheese,
sweet potatoes, and a garden salad.

My little precious moment, I gotchu.

I'll have your famous oxtails.
And to drink...

You order your drinks at the counter
from the drank lady.

Hi, can we have two sweet teas
with extra ice, please?

- Only got warm sweet tea.
- But you have ice, right?

Only for the iced tea.

So you have unsweetened iced tea,

but if we want sweet tea,
we cannot get ice?

Correct.

We don't need all that sugar anyway.
So two iced teas.

Two hot teas, got it.

I see what's happening. She tryin'
to hook us up with the good shit.

Yeah, two hot teas, please.

Two hot teas.

Okay. I think she heard us.

30 minutes later

That tea ran through me like the Feds
through my aunt's baby casino.

Excuse me. Where's your bathroom?

Costs a quarter to get in,
quarter to get out.

QUARTER TO GET IN,
QUARTER TO GET OUT

- I don't have no change.
- Me either, girl.

Just hold it.
For the culture.

One hour later

Here you go, muffin tops.
Sorry about the wait.

- Can we please get some silverware?
- We're BYO-silverware.

B.Y.O. SILVERWARE

This is ridiculous. All I wanted
to do was support our people.

Give 'em a fair shot! But I knew
I should have brought my purse fork.

A surprinsingly delicious meal later

Ladies, how you enjoy your meal?

- You know what?
- The food was poppin'.

How about I do you guys a favor
and box up your leftovers for you?

Let me grab that for you.

I'll be right back, okay?

Well, that was nice.

Got 'em!

- Who he got...?
- I thought he was the manager!

The nigga acted
like he was the manager!

Cash only, 65 dollar minimum.

- But we only spent 37 dollars!
- We came here to support.

- But you're out of half the menu!
- You did not have silverware.

- You had no ice for the sweet tea.
- And some man stole our leftovers!

You think you can do better?
Then you go back there and run it!

- Fine! We will!
- Help yourself too.

- We can do it.
- Watch this.

We gon' be here a while.

- What the fuck?
- Same. Let's go.

Soul food Saturday!
Saturday for soul food!

Finally, a place in the hood
that is owned by black folks...

I heard the oxtails here
are to die for.

PURGATORY SOUL FOOD

A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW
Episode 6

Calm down, it's just a phone!

What am I supposed to do?
No more genius bars!

No more texts from my mom,
no more pictures from my brother.

- All my shit is gone!
- You wanna know what else is gone?

- The Cool Ranch Doritos!
- Everyone is gone!

We've been sitting here
playing games and having spa time

like this is Girls Trip 2 and
not the fucking end of the world!

- We'll never see Girls Trip 2.
- Shut up. Shut up!

I do not want to spend the rest of my
life arguing with the same people.

If I had wanted that,
I would have gotten married!

I wanted to get married! Robin,
you forced me to come here!

- Before Kevin could propose!
- Kevin wasn't gonna propose!

What is wrong with you people?
Seriously! I saved us from death.

I fortified a goddamned
apocalypse-proof house,

I stocked it with food, I froze sperm
in single serving sizes.

I am the only one who had a plan!

Oh my god.

- Is she dead?
- Oh my god.

- What are we gonna do?
- Eat her?

Okay. I will take a T.

I got it.
I will take a lower case T.

- Buy a vowel, bitch!
- Ain't none of those neither?

Reniece!

Welcome back to Get the Belt,
voted 1992's favorite

mother versus child
competition show. I'm Kimber Zak.

I'm Carmen Sipp. Tonight, we've got
two dynamic contestants.

Representing the home team is
this season's standout, Tonisha.

She knocks challengers
into next week.

She took out fan favorite, Man Man,
with an early game spank-out.

Her opponent is her eldest daughter,
Reniece.

This 13-year-old dynamo has been
focusing on her obedience,

and she's undefeated.

Hand me the remote.

An absolutely brilliant
opening move from Tonisha.

That remote is clearly
well within her own reach.

It's a tactic
for Reniece to show some attitude,

which would lead
to an immediate beat and defeat.

Many things can lead to a spank-out,
including showing disrespect,

raising your voice
or being told to fix your face.

Let's keep an eye on the mouth to
see if Reniece can hold it together.

Are you kidding me? Not a smirk
or a smile. Astonishing!

She knows she nailed that one.
That must feel good.

Reniece doesn't think
it's going to be that easy.

If a child crosses
the threshold of her room

without the mother geting
the belt, she wins.

Tonisha was born at night,
but she wasn't born last night.

She's got more in store here.

Flag on the play.
The batteries are dead.

Get back here!

Bring me some double-A batteries.

The dreaded "if I have to get up
and find it myself" challenge.

Historically, Reniece has excelled
at this obstacle,

but she might be tired after
playing 18 rounds of slippity slide.

Tonisha's home court
advantage really comes in handy.

Reniece hasn't payed
nan one bill around here.

Let's put 15 seconds on the clock.

She picked up the blue tin,

not gonna be anything in there
but needles and thread.

These items are never anywhere
that makes a lick of sense.

Looks like this may be
all she wrote for Reniece.

No hocus pocus, just focus
on that by Reniece! Amazing!

And the channel is changed.
Textbook execution by Reniece.

Earlier tonight, Man Man
worked Tonisha's last good nerve.

Seems to have taken a toll.

There's a coupon.

As a player, Reniece wants
to head to her room for the easy win.

But as a child, Reniece clearly
wants to capitalize off

of the chance to watch something
she has no business watching.

I was in the same position in 1979.
I could either watch Facts of Life,

which my mother had banned due
to "Jo's lesbian energy"

or I could go to my room for
the easy win. I chose the W

because I knew if I didn't start
none, there wouldn't be none.

Reaching for the remote.
That's risky.

Most veteran players would wait until
Tonisha hit that good drool sleep.

Clearly Reniece disagrees.
She already has the remote.

78 percent of wake-ups happen
during the channel changing stage.

Something about the abrupt noise shift
is disrupting to a snoozing parent.

Is she turning down the TV?
I've never seen this strategy.

We are witnessing
an embarrassing lack of judgment

or a move that could quite frankly
revolutionize this sport.

And she did it! You go, girl!
These are the moments I live for.

- This is what live TV is about.
- I can't breathe right now.

Making noise while her mother's
asleep, she's just showboating now.

Bogie!
Surprise attack by Man Man.

You letting all the cold air
out my house?

It wasn't me!

And you talkin' back?

And just like that, it's over.
Congratulations to Tonisha.

This was clearly Man Man's fault,
but as we've seen here,

it doesn't fucking matter.

- You got shoes on in my house?
- No, ma'am.

I would never track outside
on your floors.

That's it for us,
tune in next time

when we find out whether or not
I was too grown to get a whooping.

I used to run track!

Thanks for watching
Get the Belt. Be inspired.

- Mark, where are you taking me?
- Got you something. You ready?

Happy anniversary.

No!

A hot air balloon?
A balloon full of hot air?

What was Mark thinking?

We'll get air sick, throw up,
and then pass out in the throw up.

Do I look like the kind of chick who
says put my ass up in a balloon?

- They don't even have seat belts.
- This synthetic wig is top heavy.

We are going to plunge
to our death.

But Mark is worth the risk.
He's the one, ladies.

We already wasted our peak
fertility years with Andre.

Such a wet man. But he liked us.

There's a man who loves us,
and we love him. Get in the basket.

I'd rather be single and alive. This
balloon will never leave the ground.

- What do we do?
- Start a fight.

- Let's get him to break up with us.
- Krystal, piss your pants.

Get in the death balloon
and act like you like it!

It's toe time!

It'll just be me and you and the man
I paid extra not to talk to us.

Can I tell you one thing
about hot air balloons?

No, you cannot! Let's go!

Hello? Our wig! This hair hat
is basically lighter fluid.

- We should've sprung for human hair.
- You got money?

We'd have, if we decided instead
of ordering two dinners every night.

- We just gonna piss our pants.
- Just get in.

We get a little crispy.
Our head's been through worse.

Remember that home relaxer?

Mark put a lot into this.
We can't just leave him hanging.

What if he cheated
on us, and he's feeling guilty?

Then we're getting in the balloon
so we can push his ass out!

Do not ruin this day with a fight.
We went to the botanical gardens,

we had lunch at the restaurant,
Mark took us to get our nails done.

He's about to propose!

- Let's go!
- Wait, hold on!

I got you something.

I figured you'd do that part
in the sky, but okay.

I cannot make you compromise your wig
up with all that wind and open flame.

So I got you this custom unit
hand made by Beyoncé's wig wizard.

This is the happiest day
of my life!

Will you marry me?

INSIDE A BLACK LADY'S MIND:
HOT AIR BALLOON

- We are not going to eat Robin!
- She's all gristle, so...

I'm not actually saying
we are going to eat her.

But we are bound to run out of food,
Quinta already ate all the snacks.

- Why are you bringing up old shit?
- Robin, get up!

If Robin's gone, what are we gonna do
when the generator runs out?

How do we grow food if we can't go
outside? What is the half-life...

Robin, please get up.
Do not leave me with them

for the rest of eternity.
I never told you this, but...

You had me muted on Twitter?

No-Fun Threesome

We've been dreaming about this
ever since we saw you

at the bi-weekly church potluck.

Have you ever been
a special guest star before?

What have you heard?

They said they were gonna take
Cheaters off of the internet.

- Have you ever had a threesome?
- This is my first time.

It's been a while since I've had
even one partner. Other than myself.

- So how long is a while?
- Two years?

Two years?
Like Earth years?

We gonna fix that right now.

- Wait.
- Oh my god. I'm sorry.

We usually do a check in.

I got so excited to eat that taco,
I forgot to ask

if you have any boundaries.
Please.

Thank you so much.
Just a couple little things.

No kissing.

Totally.

That's fair.
Very intimate, I get it.

No holding hands.

Hopefully our hands will be
full of other things.

No eye contact.
No anal, no vaginal, no oral.

- No oral?
- No going down, no coming up.

My safe word is a stern look,
and I'm gonna need a copy

of everyone's last STD
and driver's license test.

- Is there anything else?
- One more thing.

- Okay.
- Bag of tricks!

Hold onto that.

- Definitely gonna want these...
- What? Okay...

- We'll use that later...
- You wanna tell me something?

A squeegee?

You know that thing where you just
put too much in your threesome purse?

Okay, here we go.

It's the Outbreak suit.
Now we cookin'. Lube?

No. That's hand sanitizer, but it's
FDA approved for more than just hands.

Let's see here. Condoms.

Hand condoms. And now...
Let's get to the fun part.

She handed me gloves.

- Who wants to shit in my mouth?
- What?!

Hey, nice mattress.

Casper mattress. For sleeping.

And whatever else
y'all nasty asses are doing.

Hey, girl!

- Black girl magic, for real.
- Right?

I know!

Well... Good morning!

- God is good?
- All the time!

Amen!

Apologies for my tardiness.

My client was stuck
in a revolving door.

- What in the baby hair...?
- It's a black lady courtroom!

Black lady courtroom!

Okay!

I have been sitting
in this courtroom for 20 years,

and I have never seen
melanin this poppin'!

- Cicely Tyson would be very proud.
- Why would she be proud of that?

I call this evidentiary hearing
to order in the civil matter

of Trina's Vintage Furniture
vs Sweet Song Restaurant.

First order of business...
Do you want to get lunch after this?

I would like to submit to the court
that your honor

is welcome to dine
at Sweet Song any time!

Objection. Dining at defendant's
restaurant would be prejudicial.

But if you do go, plaintiff's
counsel likes to eat too.

- Sustained!
- This isn't professional.

Trina? Let me handle this.
I got you.

Rude.

My clients couldn't
attend this hearing,

but they'd appreciate it
if we took some time

to find out how my girl over there
got her goddess locks all right!

- Thank you!
- I see you.

I'm suing your clients,
and they would not appreciate that.

That doesn't help your case.

- Counselors, approach the bench.
- See?

Get them together, please.

Hush. Courtroom.

- You guys can approach too.
- Me too, your honor?

I've never been up here!

- Where did y'all go to law school?
- USC.

- I knew you looked familiar!
- I'm going to USC undergrad.

- Are any of you Greek?
- AKA, first and finest.

- What y'all talkin' bout?
- Black girl magic, man.

Let me get this photo.

Put that Valencia filter on.
We lit! We lit! We so lit!

Good sidebar, ladies.
Can you Airdrop that to me?

God bless y'all.

My client, who does not understand
the historicness of this moment,

reupholstered several
high end chairs for the defense.

- And was not paid.
- No disrespect to my sister-in-law.

Get it? That's cute.

But the plaintiff never completed
the work in question.

- I'd like to consult exhibit B.
- Take your time.

You'll see there are no chairs.

And if there's no place to sit,
you must acquit.

That's a solid Cochran.

But as you can see
from my supplemental exhibit G,

my client clearly posted timestamped
photos of the chairs on Instagram.

Defense counsel clearly
just removed them from her pic.

- You tried it, sis.
- I'm a fool for that one.

The defense photos
are deemed inadmissible,

and I hereby deem this courtroom
ready to kiki!

Black lady courtroom!

- Does this mean it's just over?
- Yeah. And you won.

- Oh, shit! Thank you, judge!
- Okay. Also, thank you, me.

Black lady courtroom!

Ladies! Ladies.
Anybody got any Carmex?

They don't have any over
at the white man's courtroom.

I just happen to have some
in my bra, boo. Help yourself!

Black lady courtroom!

Robin, everyone is going crazy.
I'm glad you're not dead.

I always pass out when I'm being
attacked. It's my white side.

- Quinta tried to eat you.
- I'll eat you if you keep talking.

Ladies! Enough! It is far too early
for us to be losing our minds.

We have to look out for each other.
We have to have each other's backs.

We're all we got. It's just us.

What y'all bondin' about?

How y'all whisper laughing?
Can my lawyer stop nae nae-ing?

Apologies for my tardiness.

My client had a flat tire
even though she doesn't have a car.

My apologies for my tardiness.

My client got caught
in a push door, trying to pull.

Apologies for my tardiness.

My client was getting her hair
braided by Corey Booker.

He's cheap and slow.

- Get up. He's about to propose.
- I'm dead.

- You dead?
- Her insecurity died.

That's good,
we about to be more confident.

END OF EPISODE 6