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00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,128
[TV static drones]
2
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,005
[bright tone]
3
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,632
"Why You Ain't Say Nothing?"
was filmed
4
00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:09,217
before a fake studio audience.
5
00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,719
Call me Jay-Z
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00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,387
'cause tonight
I'm eating Red Lobster
7
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,514
[laughter]
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00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,807
You had to be there
if you were--
9
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,142
- Ooh.
- Damn, Aquaria.
10
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,435
Uh, peek-a-boob.
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00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:19,519
[whispering]
Your titty's out.
12
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,438
Oh! Oh, my God. Damn.
13
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:22,772
Why you ain't say nothing?
14
00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:24,399
I was enjoying the view.
15
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,900
Baby, go help me
log on to your computer
16
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,235
and get on the Shein website
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00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,404
so you can buy me
an affordable replacement.
18
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:30,655
[laughter]
19
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:31,823
- He's cheap.
- Oh.
20
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:34,367
- He got a new Acer laptop.
- Oh, okay.
21
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:35,785
- So cute.
- So cute.
22
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,538
- They're good together.
- They are good... together.
23
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332
- Good together.
- Together. [chuckles]
24
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,466
Why is he always laughing
at his own corny-ass jokes?
25
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,301
- Right.
- And Aquaria? Ugh.
26
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,428
Her life revolves
around that man,
27
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,804
but I saw him
at the movies last week
28
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,389
revolving around another girl.
29
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,558
Why you ain't say nothing?
30
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,560
Oh, you know we've been
carpooling to work
31
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,479
ever since I got caught
painting my own handicap space.
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00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,897
Okay, Picasso.
33
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,649
I see you out here doing art.
[both chuckle]
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00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:10,111
- That's why I like you.
- You like me?
35
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:12,489
Why you ain't say nothing?
36
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,158
Boy, you so crazy.
[both laugh]
37
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,785
Uh, speaking of crazy,
38
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,620
remember when Tyree
had food poisoning?
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00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:21,247
Let's just say it wasn't
from bad Benihana.
40
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,666
- Oh!
- It might have been
41
00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:26,628
from some bad sushi
that he had on a boys' trip
42
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,630
that Aquaria didn't want him
to go on.
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00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,173
Well, of course
she don't want him
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00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,841
to go on a boys' trip.
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00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,176
Y'all are nasty.
46
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,178
Mm, he said it was
a work convention.
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00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,846
Only thing he convened
was strippers.
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00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,181
Like this and like that
49
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,517
- and like this.
- Ooh!
50
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,851
Why you ain't say nothing?
51
00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:44,521
He works for Delta.
I just got my buddy pass.
52
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,439
- Oh!
- Thank you, baby!
53
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,817
Stop right there!
"Essence" called.
54
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,611
They want y'all to star
in their new Black Love issue.
55
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,488
- Hey, strike a pose, baby.
- Eh!
56
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,073
[laughter]
57
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,491
Oh, shoot, baby,
we forgot the drinks.
58
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:57,700
- Give me a hand.
- You forgot the drinks.
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00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,744
I forgot the drinks.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
60
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:02,497
- Even cute when y'all fuss.
- So cute.
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00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,832
All right, you know Tyree's
my boy, right?
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00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,834
- But?
- Bro can't hear birds.
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00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,336
[both cooing]
64
00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:09,879
[imitating birdsong]
65
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,339
- He can't hear none of that.
- None of that?
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00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:12,590
How the hell does he wake up?
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00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:15,218
- Just raw air.
- Oh.
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00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,219
He can't even listen
to Birdman
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00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,303
without being triggered.
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00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,263
Why you ain't say nothing?
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00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,722
Well, you know
he's my FUBU hookup.
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00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:21,015
He gets 'em fresh from Siberia.
73
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,725
They say "FUBUN" on them,
but that's fine.
74
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,935
What does the N stand for?
75
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,395
"For Us, By Us, Niggas."
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00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,563
So let me tell you something.
77
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,523
Last week, I was
at the swap meet, okay?
78
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:32,527
And I saw him pawning all
of Aquaria's good jewelry.
79
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:33,695
Why you ain't say nothing?
80
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,281
I was down there buying
myself some knockoff Gucci.
81
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,199
- Drinks!
- Oh! [laughs]
82
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:40,118
Hey now, is that
Courtney B. Vance
83
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,119
and Angela Bassett?
84
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,912
Y'all are giving stable.
85
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,331
Aww. Thanks, girl.
86
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,500
Joe, did I show you the new
hoop that I just put up?
87
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,086
'Ey, the Golden State Warriors
better sign your boy.
88
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,796
- [giggles]
- Why?
89
00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,590
Are the Warriors
signing waterboys?
90
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:57,093
[laughter]
91
00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,595
That ain't funny.
92
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,889
You guys are so crazy
how you joke with each other!
93
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,807
[laughs]
94
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,017
Girl, the real joke is,
95
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,977
he took seven hours
to put that basketball hoop up,
96
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,770
then he had to hire
a TaskRabbit,
97
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,731
and that little boy showed up
and did it in 15 minutes.
98
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,065
And then he didn't even
tip him.
99
00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:13,359
Ah!
Why you ain't say nothing?
100
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:14,527
Well, he's over there
talking about
101
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,279
"being broke builds character."
102
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,697
[scoffs]
You know what it doesn't build?
103
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,115
What?
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00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,450
An orgasm.
105
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,618
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
106
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,120
- He's not putting it down?
- Uh-uh. He gets confused.
107
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,580
He says it's bad sense
of direction.
108
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,081
Why you ain't say nothing?
109
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,750
I mean, 'cause
our couple's TikTok
110
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,751
just started popping off.
111
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,294
We finally reached
a dozen followers.
112
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462
- Oh!
- Oh! They're back!
113
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,463
It's your boy! Hey!
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00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,797
We weren't talking
about nobody.
115
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:37,342
Babe, why don't you show Myra
the garden you been working on?
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00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,509
Oh!
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00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:39,928
My baby all dyslexic
and whatnot.
118
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,137
D-domestic, babe.
119
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,805
Wait, I been
using that word wrong?
120
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:45,099
Babe, why you
ain't say nothing?
121
00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:46,601
Oh, my bad. [chuckles]
122
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,811
It's okay, you got all
your other words right, mostly.
123
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,897
Come on, girl.
You dressed for my garden.
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00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:51,940
Whew.
125
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,274
So you know you my boy, right?
126
00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,651
- Of course.
- Hey.
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00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,110
both:
Pew!
128
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:58,529
So I want you to know...
129
00:03:58,529 --> 00:04:00,406
[mischievous music]
130
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,866
I'm about to propose tonight.
131
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,493
Why you ain't say nothing?
132
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,119
So I use roaches
instead of earthworms
133
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,287
to help aerate the garden.
134
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:07,455
- I love that idea.
- Yeah.
135
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,123
- Aquaria.
- Oh. Yes, baby?
136
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:12,001
I love you more than words
can express.
137
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,670
Oh! Oh.
138
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,214
Aquaria, will you marry me?
139
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,008
Oh...I...
[laughs]
140
00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,885
Wow, baby.
141
00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,846
I don't see any reason
why I shouldn't.
142
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:26,557
Unless y'all
wanna say something.
143
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,559
- Joe?
- Uh--uh--how about you?
144
00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:30,019
Uh, didn't--didn't you
wanna say something?
145
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,230
- You. Uh--no, no, you.
- I thought it was you.
146
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,564
No, I-I-I'm pretty sure
it was you.
147
00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:34,607
But I thought it was you, though.
148
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:35,650
No, I'm pretty sure
it was you.
149
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,276
- It could be you, though.
- Oh, my God.
150
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:38,444
Uh, I-I just think
it's better
151
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,321
- if we say something together.
- Yes.
152
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:41,572
- Could we do that?
- Yes.
153
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,824
- Uh...
- So let's just do that on one.
154
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,951
- Two.
- Three.
155
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,036
both: Can we be
in y'all's wedding?
156
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,663
All right.
157
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,165
- Hey, girl, put this ring on!
- Okay!
158
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,792
- Baby girl!
- You did it!
159
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,212
[laughter]
160
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,881
Why you ain't say nothing?
161
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,177
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
162
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,971
♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪
163
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,015
♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪
164
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,058
♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪
165
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,060
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told 'em, goddamn ♪
166
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,062
♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪
167
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:15,064
♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪
168
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:17,150
♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪
169
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,735
♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
170
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,196
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
171
00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:24,741
♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪
172
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,826
♪ What you told 'em ♪
173
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,705
♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪
174
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,541
♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪
175
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,251
♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, goddamn ♪
176
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,753
♪ ♪
177
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,254
♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪
178
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,756
♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪
179
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,177
{\an8}- This season,
Lady Gloria Purnell,
180
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,929
{\an8}like every other byproduct
of inbreeding and wealth,
181
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,599
{\an8}seeks to catch the eye
of the prince--
182
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:53,019
a harrowing feat
given her forgettable face.
183
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,064
Thus, tonight's gown
must be giving life
184
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,523
if she wants to be
somebody's wife.
185
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,150
Harder, Temperance!
186
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,486
This corset must be tighter
than my lips
187
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,904
when men are speaking.
188
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,238
[groans]
189
00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,740
[bone cracks]
190
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,534
Oh, you cracked a rib.
191
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,827
Perfect.
192
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:11,579
Gloria, look at yourself.
193
00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,582
Do you think you need to do
all of this to find love?
194
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,834
The man of my dreams
would love me for who I am
195
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,127
and allow me to read.
196
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,797
Clearly, Lady Temperance
is a fan
197
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,049
of this new concept
from the south
198
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,468
called "body positivity."
199
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,303
[laughs]
Oh, gross.
200
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:30,264
I'll never get devoured
like an hors d'oeuvre
201
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:31,849
at the royal feast.
202
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:34,060
But you might get stuffed
like a turkey.
203
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,812
Either way,
it's not a competition.
204
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,481
All women are beautiful,
including you, Gloria.
205
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,525
And I've seen you
without your wig.
206
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,152
Oh, Temperance,
you and your empowerment.
207
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:46,447
If you weren't my sister,
I'd have you lobotomized.
208
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:48,533
- [both giggle]
- Look at these idiots!
209
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,409
Sisterly affection is not
210
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,787
going to get you
any brotherly love.
211
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,289
You'll need more
than implied incest
212
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:56,958
to catch the penis
of a prince.
213
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,501
[footsteps approaching]
Oh, wait.
214
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,670
Finally,
something interesting...
215
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,506
I heard there was a damsel
in distress who needed a dress.
216
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,091
An unexpected visitor.
217
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,926
Don't worry--
once you're in my threads,
218
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,845
you'll turn all
the ballers' heads, ee-ooh.
219
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,264
Oh, yes,
the new chamber maid.
220
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,141
My pot is right over there.
221
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,185
I had some bad meat last night,
so it's a bit full.
222
00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:17,728
- Ew.
- Gloria.
223
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,856
- Don't be rude to the help.
- Who you calling "the help"?
224
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:23,151
I'm Lady Shein, the fashion
designer of the century.
225
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,902
My clothes will ensure
you catch a man.
226
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,696
Even you with that face.
227
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,698
- [gasps]
- Bam!
228
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,701
My devil!
Where's the rest of the gown?
229
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,869
The rest of it?
230
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,370
{\an8}Honey, wait till you see
the best of it.
231
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,580
{\an8}- [gasps]
- Bam!
232
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,373
{\an8}Is that an exposed
shoulder blade?
233
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:39,500
{\an8}- Yeah.
- I've barely even seen my own!
234
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,044
{\an8}Look, in my dresses,
you can sit, you can waltz,
235
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,462
{\an8}or you can pussy pop
for the prince.
236
00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:46,257
{\an8}Whatever you have to do to get
your ass in the palace, ee-ooh.
237
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:50,303
{\an8}- While Shein may be showing
too much ass and titties
238
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,013
for the modest Lady Gloria,
239
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:55,641
Lady Temperance seems to be
an interested buyer.
240
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,059
For just five shillings,
241
00:07:57,059 --> 00:08:00,104
you, too,
can get this fire attire.
242
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,315
Yeah, my sizes go from
skin and bones to big-boned,
243
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,858
but don't just take my word
for it.
244
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,152
Come on out, ladies! It's time!
245
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,778
[gasps]
246
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,405
Do a spin, show us, yeah.
247
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:12,408
My God!
Her bustier is broken!
248
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,577
Only cows show their udders
in public.
249
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,121
Cows can show their nipples;
why can't I, right?
250
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:19,248
Ladies, this is the future.
251
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,919
No more torturous undergarments
and hefty gowns
252
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,421
that leave your crevices
smelling like mildew.
253
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,048
I am tired
of summer bosom sweat.
254
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,008
My body is too fine
to be confined.
255
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,426
How long is your wait list?
256
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,510
Now, look,
them other designers
257
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,429
have you waiting three months
for delivery.
258
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,181
Lady Shein delivers
in three days.
259
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,308
I take Regency Afterpay
and Peasant Pal.
260
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,435
- [coins jingling]
- Temperance, no!
261
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,395
I can't watch you throw
our father-slash-uncle's
262
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:42,772
hard inherited money away!
263
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,315
I'll have you know, Gloria,
264
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,609
I make my own money
writing letters for women.
265
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,486
- That's right--I read and write.
- [gasps]
266
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,904
- [chuckles]
- Traitor!
267
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,864
Wow, she's illiterate.
That's crazy.
268
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,074
- Can I see that? Thank you.
- Sure.
269
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,116
I got the bag.
270
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,035
I hate to butt in...
271
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:57,578
[feedback squeals]
272
00:08:57,578 --> 00:09:00,957
But I really can't allow you
to purchase...
273
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,250
this bullshit.
274
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,292
And who the hell are you?
275
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:06,337
This, darling,
is what I ordered.
276
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,130
Work it, work it,
turn around.
277
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,174
- Show 'em the slit. Bend over.
- Yes, yes, yes.
278
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,300
[record scratches]
This...
279
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,635
- [shrieks]
- Oh, my--
280
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,971
- Is what I got.
- No. No, no, no.
281
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,847
No, she's lying.
282
00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,307
- [yelps]
- It's not true.
283
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,767
Your handmaidens must have
soaked it on high
284
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:20,851
in the washing bucket.
285
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:22,311
You should've read
the fine print.
286
00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:24,689
Oh, my goodness, look at that!
Hello, Your Majesty!
287
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:25,940
[gasps]
288
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,277
Ee-ooh, it's time to pussy
pop on out of here, ladies.
289
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,321
[whines]
My hot girl summer!
290
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,115
[crying]
291
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,075
Mine too.
292
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,953
- [laughing]
- This place is fancy.
293
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,163
I bet you
all they water's free.
294
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,206
Oh, what's up?
295
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,500
Uh, welcome to Teddy Riley
Resort and Suites.
296
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,668
I'm Cousin Curtis.
297
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:46,794
You got the dime,
we got the time.
298
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:48,004
How can I help you?
299
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,505
TC Quest checking in.
300
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:52,216
It's my lady and I's
week anniversary,
301
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:55,219
- and I booked us the penthouse.
- Penthouse!
302
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,847
I'm gonna pay for it
with my Kohl's cash.
303
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:58,889
[chuckles]
[cash register dings]
304
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,350
My nigga, welcome back!
[laughs]
305
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,687
I remember your points-using
ass from last month.
306
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,772
Yeah, he was here
with this big booty shorty
307
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:07,982
from the Poconos--
308
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,318
I don't Poco-knows what
you're talking about, partner.
309
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,986
Yeah, what are you,
a dentist's office?
310
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,696
'Cause my baby clearly never
been here before.
311
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,157
Kay, well, look, I seen him
strollin' through here
312
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,284
with 3 to 15--
313
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,660
16 queens a week!
314
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:20,870
And guess what?
315
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,621
Mama, he was not repeating
none of 'em!
316
00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,832
[laughs]
Yeah!
317
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,667
It looks like my fuckboy
self-defense,
318
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,295
all-offense training class
is about to come in handy!
319
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,921
Hey, wait, baby, chill.
320
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,257
You know I still got payments
left on those earrings.
321
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:36,344
And dude doesn't know what
he's talking about, anyway.
322
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,263
Let's just go down the street
to After 7 Motel.
323
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,598
It's better, anyway.
324
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,391
Like I said, it was great
seeing you, my brother.
325
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,851
You always keep one on you!
326
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,103
I like that!
[laughs]
327
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,689
Hi.
Jerelle Thomas, checking in.
328
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,191
Yo, cuz--you gonna act like
329
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,901
you don't recognize
your Cousin Curtis?
330
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:55,404
I am sorry, sir,
but I don't know you.
331
00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,531
Like Michael Strahan's
two front teeth,
332
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,200
we have never met before.
333
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,493
Why you doing me like this?
334
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,578
Listen, last Christmas, remember?
335
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,789
You said Auntie Mavis
wet the bed.
336
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,041
But then we found out
it was really you,
337
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,168
and you the one
who wear Depends!
338
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,088
You got a phone in her name,
so I know you not talking!
339
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,215
I'ma keep it on the hush,
Master Pee.
340
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,176
Listen, if you could just
check me into this hotel,
341
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,511
I need a night away
from my husband--
342
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,096
for non-pee-related reasons.
343
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,263
Yo, you peed the bed,
didn't you?
344
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:22,598
Shh!
345
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,058
[whispering]
It was one time!
346
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,267
If you say so,
but you already admitted
347
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,437
to at least two times,
Pee-tey Pablo. [laughs]
348
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,106
I am gonna punch you
in your face.
349
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,524
Hey, just don't pee on it,
Pee-Diddy.
350
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,067
You know what,
I'm going next door
351
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,735
to the New Edition Hotel.
352
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,320
- I love you.
- I hate you.
353
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,406
- [laughs]
- Excuse me.
354
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,116
Why is you in my station?
355
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,117
Uh-oh.
356
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,910
{\an8}[upbeat music]
357
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,787
You sexy as fuck,
you know that? [laughs]
358
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,163
Thank you, Yosemite Sam.
359
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,790
Welcome to Teddy Riley
Resort and Suites.
360
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,250
That's gonna be $2
for the greeting.
361
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,960
Ooh! Keema!
362
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,503
You better work... here!
363
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,088
I'm surprised to hear
your acrylics
364
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,131
clack-clack-clacking
on them keys.
365
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,715
I had to get a second job, Simone.
366
00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:57,758
Are you checking in?
367
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,260
It's $5 extra if you booked
on Orbitz.
368
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,678
And how am I supposed
to grow my nail business
369
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,012
if people don't grow more than
ten fingers and ten toes?
370
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,305
It's the Darwin for me.
371
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,141
Okay, it's giving
"hurry up, evolution."
372
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,475
And Orbitz was playing
with my Orbucks,
373
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,644
so I had to book on Priceline,
so you can charge them the fee.
374
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:09,854
Exactly.
A bad bitch can't be broke.
375
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,439
Now, you are booked for
two nights in a double queen,
376
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,857
but you can upgrade to a king
for a extra $100.
377
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,983
You gonna die when I tell you
378
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,276
what my cousin Juicy's man's
best friend did.
379
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,444
Slay me, don't king size me.
380
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,778
I'm still sleeping
on my childhood twin at home.
381
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:18,821
Now, I know you only call him
382
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,156
your cousin Juicy man
best friend
383
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,615
when he acting up,
so what's the tea?
384
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,534
Not you knowing me!
There's a $20 fee per pillow.
385
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,785
Now, how is this fool
gonna ask me
386
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,495
can he borrow the credit cards
that we keep on file, like...
387
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:27,580
Uh-uh, no he did not,
388
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789
him trying to "Set It Off"
up in here!
389
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,082
No pillows for me
or my lash extensions.
390
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,292
We sleep sitting up.
391
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,501
But did you slide him
the plastic, though?
392
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:33,836
Bitch, Teddy Riley
Resort and Suites
393
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,880
offers the finest 400 thread
count sheets for $1 per thread,
394
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,047
and yes, I told him
I would do it,
395
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,466
but no, I told him I would not
do it with Cleo cornrows.
396
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,550
- Uh-oh.
- [shrieks]
397
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,509
The scream I just scrumpt!
398
00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:41,802
Okay, no sheets;
millennials ruined those.
399
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,095
But if you the new
'03 "Bonnie and Clyde,"
400
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,180
- just say that.
- And that's on what?
401
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,222
both:
Periodt.
402
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,640
Loving and looting
is exhausting.
403
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,850
Now, do you plan
on flushing the toilet?
404
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,351
Because if so, that's gonna be
an additional $10
405
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,187
on top of the $5 for the
toilet paper per square.
406
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,521
And yes, I have been written up
a couple of times.
407
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,939
Ooh! Big yikes!
408
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,191
Not your cousin Juicy
man best friend
409
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,067
have you scruggling at work.
No flushing, I'm fasting.
410
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,319
I brought Kleenex
'cause it's softer.
411
00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,487
How much trouble are you in, though?
412
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,197
Oh, best friend, Wendy
Williams ain't got shit on me,
413
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,990
but HR does, so I should
probably be quiet.
414
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,325
Now, do you want channels
that's higher than 8?
415
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,160
Because channel 9 is gonna
be $2, 10 is gonna be 10.
416
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,953
Any channel above channel 11
is gonna go up
417
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:08,996
in increments of $11.
418
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,206
And it's a good thing
that I got
419
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,499
an aunt-torney in my family. Hello.
420
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,042
Girl, it's the courtroom
family reunion for me.
421
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,002
And no TV for me, because
my imagination is free, okay?
422
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,045
You know I can get away
with anything
423
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,588
- 'cause my mama's a judge.
- That's right!
424
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,548
Our families ate
and left no crumbs.
425
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:21,217
Look at us and all
of our generational wealth!
426
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,760
Okay, but we do charge $25
to remove
427
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,928
that burnt popcorn smell
from the microwave.
428
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,095
Girl, this is why we march.
429
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:26,305
It's giving and living
my ancestors' dream.
430
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,306
You can keep
the burnt popcorn smell
431
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,474
because it brings back
my childhood memories.
432
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,517
{\an8}Oh, look at that tall, dark,
433
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,434
{\an8}and bald-some concierge
over there.
434
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:31,435
What's the sitch, Him Possible?
435
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:32,561
{\an8}Well, if you like it,
I love it.
436
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:33,979
{\an8}Payroll gave me his check
by accident one time,
437
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,439
{\an8}and they really should stop
playing with people's money.
438
00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,691
Now, if you want a view,
it's gonna be $29.95,
439
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,401
if you want a breeze,
it's gonna be $16.27,
440
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:40,736
and if you wanna be downwind
from flatulence,
441
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,279
it's gonna be an extra $1.50.
And cashing his check
442
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,531
{\an8}was definitely not worth
the fraud charge.
443
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,615
{\an8}Ooh, girl, caught in 4K.
444
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,658
{\an8}Now, you know pollution is bad
for my health
445
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,951
{\an8}and I do not have benefits.
446
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,369
{\an8}So no windows, no breeze,
no flatulence, please.
447
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,703
{\an8}Is that charge sticking, though?
448
00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:51,038
{\an8}[chuckles] We gonna
fuck around and find out.
449
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,540
{\an8}I have formed a whisper network
of bellboys.
450
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,708
{\an8}So if you want that hot shower
to run, it's gonna be $99.99.
451
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,627
{\an8}If you want that liquid water,
it's gonna be $11 per drop
452
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:59,046
{\an8}because these boys are good at
both bags and blackmail, hello.
453
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:00,589
No showers for me
because I'm a bath bitch.
454
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,383
You can keep that liquid water
because I prefer ice
455
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:03,300
because it doubles as a meal.
456
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,552
Your bellboys are ready
for war.
457
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,053
Fuck with me and my B-boys
if you want to!
458
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,429
For a limited time,
you can upgrade your floors
459
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,764
from dirt to carpet for $350.
460
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,267
- Otherwise, that'll be $670.35.
- Let 'em know, girl!
461
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,434
Dirt was good enough
for my forefathers,
462
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,435
and it's good enough for me.
463
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,395
So I'll take the key
to the basic room
464
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,854
'cause the sign out front says
it's $49 a night
465
00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:17,565
and that's all I'm paying.
Okay, later, friend!
466
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,732
I'll holla!
467
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,109
It's gonna be $10 if you want
that key card to work.
468
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,610
Purr.
I'll sleep in the hallway.
469
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:22,903
Next.
470
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:30,244
{\an8}I play Cousin Curtis,
but my real name is Tyrone.
471
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,328
{\an8}I guess.
472
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:33,581
I'm fighting this 'cause
playing Curtis is whack.
473
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,000
Dude is misogynistic
and stupid.
474
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,960
All he do is talk
about women's breasts
475
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,336
and laugh with his tongue out.
476
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,046
Who actually laugh
with they tongue out like that?
477
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,298
I wish I never did that.
478
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,300
I'm trying to turn
my life over, I got a family.
479
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,051
I don't wanna do
all this raunchy material.
480
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,929
I just wanna be myself.
I hate it here.
481
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:56,145
Aww, Merry Christmas to you,
too, babe.
482
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,606
Oh, I know, I know,
but you know my parents said
483
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,941
I couldn't invite anybody home
for the holidays
484
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,234
who doesn't know
the choreography
485
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,444
to "Jingle Jangle."
486
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,404
All right, I'm thinking of you.
487
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,906
Love you. Mwah. Bye.
488
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,870
Alexa, play smooth jazz.
489
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:16,123
Now playing
Kenny Warren G Radio.
490
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,042
Set the mood.
491
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,501
[soft jazz music playing]
492
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,880
Tonight, it's just me and you,
Buzz Tightyear.
493
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,173
[vibrator buzzing]
494
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,341
- [gasps]
- [shrieks]
495
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,967
both:
What you 'bout to do?
496
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,218
[yells]
497
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:30,721
[groans]
Oh, God.
498
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,723
Okay, I'm tripping.
[chuckles]
499
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,308
Let's get back to it.
500
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,352
Wand-kanda forever!
501
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,229
[ominous music]
502
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:42,024
[deep voice]
What you 'bout to do?
503
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,401
[yells]
Oh, God!
504
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:47,988
Thanks for your care, bear,
but I don't need your stare.
505
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,448
Damn, I'm tripping.
506
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,408
What was in that eggnog?
[device chimes]
507
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,661
Hello, Desi.
Did I hear you say "eggs"?
508
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,829
Yours will never
get fertilized with...
509
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:56,997
[in deep voice]
What you 'bout to do.
510
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,124
Alexa, stop!
511
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:00,918
My God, I don't need
your judgement.
512
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,878
I just need the weather
and news.
513
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,172
Now playing "Turn Up Tulsa."
514
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:07,091
Okay, "Turn Up Tulsa."
It's my favorite program.
515
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,425
You're listening
to "Turn Up Tulsa."
516
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:09,885
I'm Cynthia Tucker.
517
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,220
In tonight's top story,
518
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,971
- we're gonna find out, Desi...
- Huh?
519
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,390
[voice distorted]
What you 'bout to do?
520
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,934
Oh, God, no!
Oh, why's she saying my name?
521
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,560
Desecrate your parents' home
by shaking the foundation
522
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479
of your childhood bed?
A little playtime?
523
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,022
- Talk about a touching story.
- [groans]
524
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:25,859
Alexa, stop! Stop, stop, stop!
[device chimes]
525
00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,279
[panting]
Crazy. This is crazy.
526
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,739
[wood creaks]
[dramatic musical sting]
527
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:31,949
[yells]
528
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,283
What I'm 'bout to do?
529
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,202
I'm 'bout to write in cursive
on my coochie.
530
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,871
I'm 'bout to set it back
to daylight comings time.
531
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,457
I'm about to finger paint
all over my puss!
532
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,959
Is that what you wanna hear?
533
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,962
[phone ringing]
[sobbing]
534
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,799
♪ ♪
535
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,175
Aw, Mom.
536
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,928
You just right down the hall!
Stop calling me!
537
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,304
Absolutely not.
538
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,598
[phone rings]
[groans]
539
00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,142
Yes, Mom, what?
540
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,226
{\an8}Hello, is this Desi?
541
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,269
{\an8}Who's asking?
542
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,979
{\an8}I kinda got my hand full
right now.
543
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:04,273
{\an8}- Apologies, I just need
a moment of your time.
544
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,442
{\an8}I'm with
Auto Warranty Unlimited.
545
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,235
{\an8}We've been trying
to reach you regarding...
546
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,862
{\an8}[in deep, distorted voice]
What you 'bout to do?
547
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,740
{\an8}[yelling]
548
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,950
How are you seeing this?
549
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:18,662
What do you want from me?
[yells]
550
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,247
Oh, I'm gonna masturbate!
551
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:23,083
I'm about to focus on my needs
552
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,127
for an efficient, yet thorough
553
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,838
3 minutes and 26 seconds.
554
00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,174
I am gonna come so hard,
555
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,926
my legs are gonna shake
like a baby deer for days!
556
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:34,261
[groans]
557
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,637
Get out of here, bear.
558
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:36,972
Sorry, grandparents.
559
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,348
Alexa, stop!
560
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:40,017
HomeGoods, suck it!
[wood crashes]
561
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:42,144
Kick rocks,
you're killing my vibes!
562
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,812
[door slams]
[whimpers]
563
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:47,441
[grunting]
564
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:48,984
Think you can stop me?
565
00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:53,280
You can't stop me!
566
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,365
I'm gonna rub my Harry Potter!
567
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,785
Wand-gardium pleasure-osa!
568
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,244
[laughs]
569
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,954
[vibrator buzzes, winds down]
570
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,039
Fuck!
571
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:06,168
[bright classical music]
572
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,586
[gavel bangs]
573
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,631
Welcome to the
Picture-Perfect Auction.
574
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,675
I am Bidibidi Bombas,
and this is where
575
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:17,554
you trade in your normality
for a dream reality.
576
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:21,099
Remember, your life goals
are just one Bidibidi away.
577
00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,768
- [nails clacking]
- Carissa, Michelle, listen up.
578
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,646
- Yeah.
- Today I plan to clean house.
579
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:26,897
I mean, ever since
the untimely demise
580
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,316
of my 86-year-old husband--
ugh, may he rest in pieces--
581
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:32,486
the word "budget" is totally
not in my vocabularrrry.
582
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,988
Right, but be careful, Janita.
583
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:38,659
New money can turn
into no money very quickly.
584
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,452
Well, besties, y'all could
just call me Erykah Badu
585
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,912
'cause I'm just here
with a window seat
586
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,664
to watch two baddies
outbid each other.
587
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,082
[both laugh]
[gavel bangs]
588
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,917
Our first item up for bid,
589
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,545
the Picture-Perfect Family.
590
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:52,548
That's right, there's a zaddy,
four beautiful zids.
591
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,716
They're just missing
their zommy.
592
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,093
Do we have any bidders?
593
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,262
Now, remember,
we don't take dollars,
594
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,890
we only take dreams,
so bid accordingly.
595
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:05,102
Let's start the bidding at
"giving up your business."
596
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:08,063
Does anyone have a hair salon,
a tech startup, a bakery?
597
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,690
Trade it in
for the perfect family.
598
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,692
My Pussy Pudding Pops!
599
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,861
I couldn't find investors anyway.
600
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,320
I heard Pussy Pudding Pops.
601
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,739
Now, do I have a social life?
602
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,242
Give up a social life
to take this beautiful family
603
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,953
to Red Lobster
after Sunday service.
604
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:27,082
Well, I will give up
all of my cousins and...
605
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,250
all of my play cousins!
606
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,626
[audience groans]
607
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:30,961
Take that.
[laughs]
608
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,880
Sold to the woman
whose cousins
609
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,965
- are now wasn'ts!
- I got a man now, y'all.
610
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,093
Yeah, and you got four kids
that don't look like you.
611
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,678
Honey, what do you think
Instagram filters are for?
612
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,763
- [gavel bangs]
- Patrick, come on up here.
613
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,932
As part of your alimony,
you get to work here.
614
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:48,186
Our next item up for bid
is the Picture-Perfect Career.
615
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:51,481
Take a corner office
at a Fortune 500 company
616
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:55,068
that has health, dental,
vision, and nail care!
617
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,737
Now, we'll start
the bidding at...
618
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,030
a sex life.
619
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,198
Oof, that's too rich
for my blood.
620
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:01,909
Do I hear giving up
bumping uglies,
621
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,328
knockin' boots,
grindin' groins and tenderloins
622
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,955
for money, power, respect,
but no sex?
623
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,415
That's right, no sex
in the champagne room,
624
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,750
no peen, no poon, no porn!
625
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,126
Uh, but can you peg, though?
626
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,295
- No pegging!
- No sex!
627
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,006
That's easy. I don't do people.
[chuckles]
628
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,758
Unless they're descendants
of monarchs.
629
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,802
- Wow.
- [laughs] Ooh, I like you.
630
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,805
All right,
no fucks given or getting.
631
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,683
Let's raise our no sex
with no time.
632
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,477
No time for you,
no time to think,
633
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,686
no time to die,
634
00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,063
all for the
Picture-Perfect Career.
635
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,522
- Who's bidding?
- Time!
636
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,441
I'll give up all of my time.
637
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:35,609
I hear time!
638
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,486
Janita, you just won
a whole family!
639
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:38,779
- Going once...
- You ain't got no time!
640
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:39,780
Going twice...
641
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:44,743
I will raise her time and...
642
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,119
my hairline.
643
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:47,162
[audience gasps]
644
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:48,455
- I heard hairline. Going once.
- What?
645
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:49,790
A-going twice.
646
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,792
Sold to the woman
who's volunteered
647
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,335
to be booked, busy, and bald.
648
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,795
Why are y'all playing
"The Game of Life"
649
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:55,796
like it's "Trivial Pursuit"?
650
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,674
This is a crime
against humanity!
651
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:01,009
Our final item up for bid,
it's the biggest one.
652
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,010
Mm-mm-mm.
653
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,429
It is a woman unbothered!
[audience oohs]
654
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,182
Life with boxed wine,
nobody calling,
655
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,351
and your life
on Do Not Disturb.
656
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,894
Let's start the bidding
at giving up--
657
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,270
My friends!
[audience oohs]
658
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:14,106
- What?
- Sold.
659
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,819
This season on
"The Real Housewives of B.C."
660
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:22,280
{\an8}[grunting]
661
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,615
{\an8}[creature screeches]
662
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,325
{\an8}[upbeat music]
663
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:28,120
{\an8}[grunting]
664
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,204
{\an8}[creature squawks]
665
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,291
{\an8}[grunting]
666
00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:34,626
{\an8}[creature roars]
667
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:39,256
{\an8}[yelling]
668
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,549
{\an8}[elephant trumpets]
669
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,761
{\an8}[grunting]
670
00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:45,846
{\an8}Teeth!
671
00:21:47,305 --> 00:21:48,807
{\an8}[animal roars]
672
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,565
[all grunting]
673
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:01,653
{\an8}Cheers!
674
00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:03,113
{\an8}[all oohing]
675
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:14,624
{\an8}You!
676
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,424
[gasps]
[all ooh]
677
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,427
[tense music]
678
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:26,887
♪ ♪
679
00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,141
{\an8}Evolved than you!
680
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,645
{\an8}[yelling]
681
00:22:53,997 --> 00:22:55,290
{\an8}[groaning]
682
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,050
[all yelling, grunting]
[bleeping]
683
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,603
{\an8}I love it here!
684
00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:18,939
{\an8}I love my last name,
I love my job.
685
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,399
My idea of the perfect day
is serving others.
686
00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:24,111
Anything I can do to bring
a smile to people's faces.
687
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,946
You ever make somebody laugh
so hard they pee a little bit?
688
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,239
[chuckles]
689
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,782
I'm laughing right now
just thinking about it.
690
00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:30,325
Uh-oh. I peed a little.
691
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:31,660
Y'all cover dry cleaning,
don't you?
692
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:36,957
'Ey, yo,
anybody ever tell you
693
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,542
you look like Bobby Brown
if you go like this?
694
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:41,837
- Nah, no I don't.
- Bobby Brown-lookin' ass!
695
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,005
I'm 'bout to ride
a fake penis!
696
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:45,048
I'm gonna shove this in,
697
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:46,633
and I don't even know
which end.
698
00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,009
I'm 'bout to finger paint
my puss
699
00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:50,387
like a Picasso
with a pink penis!
700
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,763
They're lizard people.
701
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,141
My boyfriend shed his dick afterwards.
702
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,725
It was magnificent.
703
00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:57,310
Uh, Ms. Bibity-Bibity,
can you move on,
704
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,311
'cause I'm freaking out.
705
00:23:58,311 --> 00:23:59,771
Well, you know he works
for Frontier.
706
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,606
He's gonna hook me up with a
seatbelt on my next flight.
707
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,817
Sold to the woman
who just married
708
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,152
the neighborhood Black Santa.
709
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,571
Sold to the woman
who just married Suge Knight.
710
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:09,823
Sold to the woman
in the fake Versace.
711
00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:10,866
No, no, no.
712
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,117
You the only one that stuck
with me
713
00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,327
through that LL Cool J phase
I had.
714
00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,121
And Kangol sent me
that cease and desist.
715
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,330
That's right,
you was doing it wild.
716
00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,040
Hey.
both: Pew!
717
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:23,712
Sold to the woman who thinks
one plus one is one.
718
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,922
- Four.
- Well, not quite.
719
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,382
I like how you waited
until the end
720
00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:28,800
to reveal your shadiness.
721
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,093
Well, I like how
you waited till the end
722
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,262
to do something
worth bidding on.
723
00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,471
- Bitch.
- Ooh--
724
00:24:33,471 --> 00:24:35,056
Ooh, I'm gonna masturbate!
725
00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:36,558
That's what I'm 'bout to do!
726
00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:38,894
I'm gonna...
[yells incoherently]
727
00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:40,103
[cat yowls]
728
00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:52,908
[bright tone]
729
00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:57,508
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