All language subtitles for A Black Lady Sketch Show s04e05 Peek A Boob.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,128 [TV static drones] 2 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,005 [bright tone] 3 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,632 "Why You Ain't Say Nothing?" was filmed 4 00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:09,217 before a fake studio audience. 5 00:00:09,217 --> 00:00:10,719 Call me Jay-Z 6 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,387 'cause tonight I'm eating Red Lobster 7 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,514 [laughter] 8 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:15,807 You had to be there if you were-- 9 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,142 - Ooh. - Damn, Aquaria. 10 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,435 Uh, peek-a-boob. 11 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:19,519 [whispering] Your titty's out. 12 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,438 Oh! Oh, my God. Damn. 13 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:22,772 Why you ain't say nothing? 14 00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:24,399 I was enjoying the view. 15 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,900 Baby, go help me log on to your computer 16 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,235 and get on the Shein website 17 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,404 so you can buy me an affordable replacement. 18 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:30,655 [laughter] 19 00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:31,823 - He's cheap. - Oh. 20 00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:34,367 - He got a new Acer laptop. - Oh, okay. 21 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:35,785 - So cute. - So cute. 22 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,538 - They're good together. - They are good... together. 23 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,332 - Good together. - Together. [chuckles] 24 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,466 Why is he always laughing at his own corny-ass jokes? 25 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,301 - Right. - And Aquaria? Ugh. 26 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,428 Her life revolves around that man, 27 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,804 but I saw him at the movies last week 28 00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,389 revolving around another girl. 29 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,558 Why you ain't say nothing? 30 00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,560 Oh, you know we've been carpooling to work 31 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,479 ever since I got caught painting my own handicap space. 32 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,897 Okay, Picasso. 33 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,649 I see you out here doing art. [both chuckle] 34 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:10,111 - That's why I like you. - You like me? 35 00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:12,489 Why you ain't say nothing? 36 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,158 Boy, you so crazy. [both laugh] 37 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,785 Uh, speaking of crazy, 38 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,620 remember when Tyree had food poisoning? 39 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:21,247 Let's just say it wasn't from bad Benihana. 40 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,666 - Oh! - It might have been 41 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:26,628 from some bad sushi that he had on a boys' trip 42 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,630 that Aquaria didn't want him to go on. 43 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,173 Well, of course she don't want him 44 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,841 to go on a boys' trip. 45 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,176 Y'all are nasty. 46 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,178 Mm, he said it was a work convention. 47 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,846 Only thing he convened was strippers. 48 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,181 Like this and like that 49 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,517 - and like this. - Ooh! 50 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,851 Why you ain't say nothing? 51 00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:44,521 He works for Delta. I just got my buddy pass. 52 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,439 - Oh! - Thank you, baby! 53 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,817 Stop right there! "Essence" called. 54 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,611 They want y'all to star in their new Black Love issue. 55 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,488 - Hey, strike a pose, baby. - Eh! 56 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,073 [laughter] 57 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,491 Oh, shoot, baby, we forgot the drinks. 58 00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:57,700 - Give me a hand. - You forgot the drinks. 59 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,744 I forgot the drinks. I'm sorry. [laughs] 60 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:02,497 - Even cute when y'all fuss. - So cute. 61 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,832 All right, you know Tyree's my boy, right? 62 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,834 - But? - Bro can't hear birds. 63 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,336 [both cooing] 64 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:09,879 [imitating birdsong] 65 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,339 - He can't hear none of that. - None of that? 66 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:12,590 How the hell does he wake up? 67 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:15,218 - Just raw air. - Oh. 68 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,219 He can't even listen to Birdman 69 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,303 without being triggered. 70 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,263 Why you ain't say nothing? 71 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,722 Well, you know he's my FUBU hookup. 72 00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:21,015 He gets 'em fresh from Siberia. 73 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,725 They say "FUBUN" on them, but that's fine. 74 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:23,935 What does the N stand for? 75 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,395 "For Us, By Us, Niggas." 76 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,563 So let me tell you something. 77 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,523 Last week, I was at the swap meet, okay? 78 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:32,527 And I saw him pawning all of Aquaria's good jewelry. 79 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:33,695 Why you ain't say nothing? 80 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,281 I was down there buying myself some knockoff Gucci. 81 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,199 - Drinks! - Oh! [laughs] 82 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:40,118 Hey now, is that Courtney B. Vance 83 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,119 and Angela Bassett? 84 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,912 Y'all are giving stable. 85 00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,331 Aww. Thanks, girl. 86 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,500 Joe, did I show you the new hoop that I just put up? 87 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,086 'Ey, the Golden State Warriors better sign your boy. 88 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,796 - [giggles] - Why? 89 00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,590 Are the Warriors signing waterboys? 90 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:57,093 [laughter] 91 00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,595 That ain't funny. 92 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,889 You guys are so crazy how you joke with each other! 93 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,807 [laughs] 94 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,017 Girl, the real joke is, 95 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,977 he took seven hours to put that basketball hoop up, 96 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,770 then he had to hire a TaskRabbit, 97 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,731 and that little boy showed up and did it in 15 minutes. 98 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,065 And then he didn't even tip him. 99 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:13,359 Ah! Why you ain't say nothing? 100 00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:14,527 Well, he's over there talking about 101 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,279 "being broke builds character." 102 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,697 [scoffs] You know what it doesn't build? 103 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,115 What? 104 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,450 An orgasm. 105 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,618 - Oh. - Mm-hmm. 106 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,120 - He's not putting it down? - Uh-uh. He gets confused. 107 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,580 He says it's bad sense of direction. 108 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,081 Why you ain't say nothing? 109 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,750 I mean, 'cause our couple's TikTok 110 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,751 just started popping off. 111 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,294 We finally reached a dozen followers. 112 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,462 - Oh! - Oh! They're back! 113 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,463 It's your boy! Hey! 114 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,797 We weren't talking about nobody. 115 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:37,342 Babe, why don't you show Myra the garden you been working on? 116 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,509 Oh! 117 00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:39,928 My baby all dyslexic and whatnot. 118 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,137 D-domestic, babe. 119 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,805 Wait, I been using that word wrong? 120 00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:45,099 Babe, why you ain't say nothing? 121 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:46,601 Oh, my bad. [chuckles] 122 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,811 It's okay, you got all your other words right, mostly. 123 00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,897 Come on, girl. You dressed for my garden. 124 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:51,940 Whew. 125 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,274 So you know you my boy, right? 126 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,651 - Of course. - Hey. 127 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,110 both: Pew! 128 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:58,529 So I want you to know... 129 00:03:58,529 --> 00:04:00,406 [mischievous music] 130 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,866 I'm about to propose tonight. 131 00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,493 Why you ain't say nothing? 132 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,119 So I use roaches instead of earthworms 133 00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,287 to help aerate the garden. 134 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:07,455 - I love that idea. - Yeah. 135 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,123 - Aquaria. - Oh. Yes, baby? 136 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:12,001 I love you more than words can express. 137 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,670 Oh! Oh. 138 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,214 Aquaria, will you marry me? 139 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,008 Oh...I... [laughs] 140 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,885 Wow, baby. 141 00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,846 I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. 142 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:26,557 Unless y'all wanna say something. 143 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,559 - Joe? - Uh--uh--how about you? 144 00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:30,019 Uh, didn't--didn't you wanna say something? 145 00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,230 - You. Uh--no, no, you. - I thought it was you. 146 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,564 No, I-I-I'm pretty sure it was you. 147 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:34,607 But I thought it was you, though. 148 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:35,650 No, I'm pretty sure it was you. 149 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,276 - It could be you, though. - Oh, my God. 150 00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:38,444 Uh, I-I just think it's better 151 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,321 - if we say something together. - Yes. 152 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:41,572 - Could we do that? - Yes. 153 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,824 - Uh... - So let's just do that on one. 154 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,951 - Two. - Three. 155 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,036 both: Can we be in y'all's wedding? 156 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,663 All right. 157 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,165 - Hey, girl, put this ring on! - Okay! 158 00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,792 - Baby girl! - You did it! 159 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,212 [laughter] 160 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,881 Why you ain't say nothing? 161 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,177 [Doechii's "I Told Em"] 162 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,971 ♪ We told 'em we was kings, we showed 'em the machine ♪ 163 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,015 ♪ I been gave 'em the keys, I been flew overseas ♪ 164 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,058 ♪ I been knew I'm a queen, I been knew I was free ♪ 165 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,060 ♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em, goddamn ♪ 166 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,062 ♪ I been whippin' the rolls, I been bookin' the shows ♪ 167 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:15,064 ♪ I been takin' the hoes, they been calling me doe ♪ 168 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:17,150 ♪ I been pickin' the clothes, I been knew I was gold ♪ 169 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,735 ♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em ♪ 170 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:22,196 ♪ Holla, ooh ♪ 171 00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:24,741 ♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪ 172 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,826 ♪ What you told 'em ♪ 173 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,705 ♪ The funk don't matter if it's not cross chatter ♪ 174 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,541 ♪ If the Black Lives Matter I would know ♪ 175 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,251 ♪ What you told 'em, what you told 'em, goddamn ♪ 176 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,753 ♪ ♪ 177 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,254 ♪ I would know, what you told 'em ♪ 178 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,756 ♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪ 179 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,177 {\an8}- This season, Lady Gloria Purnell, 180 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,929 {\an8}like every other byproduct of inbreeding and wealth, 181 00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,599 {\an8}seeks to catch the eye of the prince-- 182 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:53,019 a harrowing feat given her forgettable face. 183 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,064 Thus, tonight's gown must be giving life 184 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,523 if she wants to be somebody's wife. 185 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,150 Harder, Temperance! 186 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,486 This corset must be tighter than my lips 187 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,904 when men are speaking. 188 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,238 [groans] 189 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,740 [bone cracks] 190 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,534 Oh, you cracked a rib. 191 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,827 Perfect. 192 00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:11,579 Gloria, look at yourself. 193 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,582 Do you think you need to do all of this to find love? 194 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,834 The man of my dreams would love me for who I am 195 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,127 and allow me to read. 196 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,797 Clearly, Lady Temperance is a fan 197 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,049 of this new concept from the south 198 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,468 called "body positivity." 199 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,303 [laughs] Oh, gross. 200 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:30,264 I'll never get devoured like an hors d'oeuvre 201 00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:31,849 at the royal feast. 202 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:34,060 But you might get stuffed like a turkey. 203 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,812 Either way, it's not a competition. 204 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,481 All women are beautiful, including you, Gloria. 205 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,525 And I've seen you without your wig. 206 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,152 Oh, Temperance, you and your empowerment. 207 00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:46,447 If you weren't my sister, I'd have you lobotomized. 208 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:48,533 - [both giggle] - Look at these idiots! 209 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,409 Sisterly affection is not 210 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,787 going to get you any brotherly love. 211 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,289 You'll need more than implied incest 212 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:56,958 to catch the penis of a prince. 213 00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,501 [footsteps approaching] Oh, wait. 214 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,670 Finally, something interesting... 215 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,506 I heard there was a damsel in distress who needed a dress. 216 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,091 An unexpected visitor. 217 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,926 Don't worry-- once you're in my threads, 218 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,845 you'll turn all the ballers' heads, ee-ooh. 219 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,264 Oh, yes, the new chamber maid. 220 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,141 My pot is right over there. 221 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,185 I had some bad meat last night, so it's a bit full. 222 00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:17,728 - Ew. - Gloria. 223 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,856 - Don't be rude to the help. - Who you calling "the help"? 224 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:23,151 I'm Lady Shein, the fashion designer of the century. 225 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,902 My clothes will ensure you catch a man. 226 00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,696 Even you with that face. 227 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,698 - [gasps] - Bam! 228 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,701 My devil! Where's the rest of the gown? 229 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,869 The rest of it? 230 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,370 {\an8}Honey, wait till you see the best of it. 231 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,580 {\an8}- [gasps] - Bam! 232 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,373 {\an8}Is that an exposed shoulder blade? 233 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:39,500 {\an8}- Yeah. - I've barely even seen my own! 234 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,044 {\an8}Look, in my dresses, you can sit, you can waltz, 235 00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,462 {\an8}or you can pussy pop for the prince. 236 00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:46,257 {\an8}Whatever you have to do to get your ass in the palace, ee-ooh. 237 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:50,303 {\an8}- While Shein may be showing too much ass and titties 238 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,013 for the modest Lady Gloria, 239 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:55,641 Lady Temperance seems to be an interested buyer. 240 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,059 For just five shillings, 241 00:07:57,059 --> 00:08:00,104 you, too, can get this fire attire. 242 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,315 Yeah, my sizes go from skin and bones to big-boned, 243 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,858 but don't just take my word for it. 244 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,152 Come on out, ladies! It's time! 245 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,778 [gasps] 246 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,405 Do a spin, show us, yeah. 247 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:12,408 My God! Her bustier is broken! 248 00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,577 Only cows show their udders in public. 249 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,121 Cows can show their nipples; why can't I, right? 250 00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:19,248 Ladies, this is the future. 251 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,919 No more torturous undergarments and hefty gowns 252 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,421 that leave your crevices smelling like mildew. 253 00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,048 I am tired of summer bosom sweat. 254 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,008 My body is too fine to be confined. 255 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,426 How long is your wait list? 256 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,510 Now, look, them other designers 257 00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,429 have you waiting three months for delivery. 258 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,181 Lady Shein delivers in three days. 259 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,308 I take Regency Afterpay and Peasant Pal. 260 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,435 - [coins jingling] - Temperance, no! 261 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:41,395 I can't watch you throw our father-slash-uncle's 262 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:42,772 hard inherited money away! 263 00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,315 I'll have you know, Gloria, 264 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,609 I make my own money writing letters for women. 265 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,486 - That's right--I read and write. - [gasps] 266 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,904 - [chuckles] - Traitor! 267 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,864 Wow, she's illiterate. That's crazy. 268 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,074 - Can I see that? Thank you. - Sure. 269 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,116 I got the bag. 270 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,035 I hate to butt in... 271 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:57,578 [feedback squeals] 272 00:08:57,578 --> 00:09:00,957 But I really can't allow you to purchase... 273 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,250 this bullshit. 274 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,292 And who the hell are you? 275 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:06,337 This, darling, is what I ordered. 276 00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,130 Work it, work it, turn around. 277 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,174 - Show 'em the slit. Bend over. - Yes, yes, yes. 278 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,300 [record scratches] This... 279 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,635 - [shrieks] - Oh, my-- 280 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,971 - Is what I got. - No. No, no, no. 281 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,847 No, she's lying. 282 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,307 - [yelps] - It's not true. 283 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,767 Your handmaidens must have soaked it on high 284 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:20,851 in the washing bucket. 285 00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:22,311 You should've read the fine print. 286 00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:24,689 Oh, my goodness, look at that! Hello, Your Majesty! 287 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:25,940 [gasps] 288 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,277 Ee-ooh, it's time to pussy pop on out of here, ladies. 289 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,321 [whines] My hot girl summer! 290 00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,115 [crying] 291 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,075 Mine too. 292 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,953 - [laughing] - This place is fancy. 293 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,163 I bet you all they water's free. 294 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,206 Oh, what's up? 295 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,500 Uh, welcome to Teddy Riley Resort and Suites. 296 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,668 I'm Cousin Curtis. 297 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:46,794 You got the dime, we got the time. 298 00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:48,004 How can I help you? 299 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,505 TC Quest checking in. 300 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:52,216 It's my lady and I's week anniversary, 301 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:55,219 - and I booked us the penthouse. - Penthouse! 302 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,847 I'm gonna pay for it with my Kohl's cash. 303 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:58,889 [chuckles] [cash register dings] 304 00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,350 My nigga, welcome back! [laughs] 305 00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,687 I remember your points-using ass from last month. 306 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,772 Yeah, he was here with this big booty shorty 307 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:07,982 from the Poconos-- 308 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,318 I don't Poco-knows what you're talking about, partner. 309 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,986 Yeah, what are you, a dentist's office? 310 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,696 'Cause my baby clearly never been here before. 311 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,157 Kay, well, look, I seen him strollin' through here 312 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,284 with 3 to 15-- 313 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,660 16 queens a week! 314 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:20,870 And guess what? 315 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,621 Mama, he was not repeating none of 'em! 316 00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,832 [laughs] Yeah! 317 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,667 It looks like my fuckboy self-defense, 318 00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,295 all-offense training class is about to come in handy! 319 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,921 Hey, wait, baby, chill. 320 00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,257 You know I still got payments left on those earrings. 321 00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:36,344 And dude doesn't know what he's talking about, anyway. 322 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,263 Let's just go down the street to After 7 Motel. 323 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,598 It's better, anyway. 324 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,391 Like I said, it was great seeing you, my brother. 325 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,851 You always keep one on you! 326 00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:46,103 I like that! [laughs] 327 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,689 Hi. Jerelle Thomas, checking in. 328 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,191 Yo, cuz--you gonna act like 329 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,901 you don't recognize your Cousin Curtis? 330 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:55,404 I am sorry, sir, but I don't know you. 331 00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,531 Like Michael Strahan's two front teeth, 332 00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,200 we have never met before. 333 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,493 Why you doing me like this? 334 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,578 Listen, last Christmas, remember? 335 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,789 You said Auntie Mavis wet the bed. 336 00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,041 But then we found out it was really you, 337 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,168 and you the one who wear Depends! 338 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,088 You got a phone in her name, so I know you not talking! 339 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,215 I'ma keep it on the hush, Master Pee. 340 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,176 Listen, if you could just check me into this hotel, 341 00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,511 I need a night away from my husband-- 342 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,096 for non-pee-related reasons. 343 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,263 Yo, you peed the bed, didn't you? 344 00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:22,598 Shh! 345 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,058 [whispering] It was one time! 346 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,267 If you say so, but you already admitted 347 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,437 to at least two times, Pee-tey Pablo. [laughs] 348 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,106 I am gonna punch you in your face. 349 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,524 Hey, just don't pee on it, Pee-Diddy. 350 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,067 You know what, I'm going next door 351 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,735 to the New Edition Hotel. 352 00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,320 - I love you. - I hate you. 353 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,406 - [laughs] - Excuse me. 354 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,116 Why is you in my station? 355 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,117 Uh-oh. 356 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,910 {\an8}[upbeat music] 357 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,787 You sexy as fuck, you know that? [laughs] 358 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,163 Thank you, Yosemite Sam. 359 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,790 Welcome to Teddy Riley Resort and Suites. 360 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,250 That's gonna be $2 for the greeting. 361 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,960 Ooh! Keema! 362 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,503 You better work... here! 363 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,088 I'm surprised to hear your acrylics 364 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,131 clack-clack-clacking on them keys. 365 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,715 I had to get a second job, Simone. 366 00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:57,758 Are you checking in? 367 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,260 It's $5 extra if you booked on Orbitz. 368 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,678 And how am I supposed to grow my nail business 369 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,012 if people don't grow more than ten fingers and ten toes? 370 00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,305 It's the Darwin for me. 371 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,141 Okay, it's giving "hurry up, evolution." 372 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,475 And Orbitz was playing with my Orbucks, 373 00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,644 so I had to book on Priceline, so you can charge them the fee. 374 00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:09,854 Exactly. A bad bitch can't be broke. 375 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,439 Now, you are booked for two nights in a double queen, 376 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,857 but you can upgrade to a king for a extra $100. 377 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,983 You gonna die when I tell you 378 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,276 what my cousin Juicy's man's best friend did. 379 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,444 Slay me, don't king size me. 380 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,778 I'm still sleeping on my childhood twin at home. 381 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:18,821 Now, I know you only call him 382 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,156 your cousin Juicy man best friend 383 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,615 when he acting up, so what's the tea? 384 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,534 Not you knowing me! There's a $20 fee per pillow. 385 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,785 Now, how is this fool gonna ask me 386 00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,495 can he borrow the credit cards that we keep on file, like... 387 00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:27,580 Uh-uh, no he did not, 388 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,789 him trying to "Set It Off" up in here! 389 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,082 No pillows for me or my lash extensions. 390 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,292 We sleep sitting up. 391 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,501 But did you slide him the plastic, though? 392 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:33,836 Bitch, Teddy Riley Resort and Suites 393 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,880 offers the finest 400 thread count sheets for $1 per thread, 394 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,047 and yes, I told him I would do it, 395 00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,466 but no, I told him I would not do it with Cleo cornrows. 396 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,550 - Uh-oh. - [shrieks] 397 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,509 The scream I just scrumpt! 398 00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:41,802 Okay, no sheets; millennials ruined those. 399 00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:43,095 But if you the new '03 "Bonnie and Clyde," 400 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,180 - just say that. - And that's on what? 401 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,222 both: Periodt. 402 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,640 Loving and looting is exhausting. 403 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,850 Now, do you plan on flushing the toilet? 404 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,351 Because if so, that's gonna be an additional $10 405 00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,187 on top of the $5 for the toilet paper per square. 406 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,521 And yes, I have been written up a couple of times. 407 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,939 Ooh! Big yikes! 408 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,191 Not your cousin Juicy man best friend 409 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,067 have you scruggling at work. No flushing, I'm fasting. 410 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,319 I brought Kleenex 'cause it's softer. 411 00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,487 How much trouble are you in, though? 412 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,197 Oh, best friend, Wendy Williams ain't got shit on me, 413 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,990 but HR does, so I should probably be quiet. 414 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,325 Now, do you want channels that's higher than 8? 415 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,160 Because channel 9 is gonna be $2, 10 is gonna be 10. 416 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,953 Any channel above channel 11 is gonna go up 417 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:08,996 in increments of $11. 418 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,206 And it's a good thing that I got 419 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,499 an aunt-torney in my family. Hello. 420 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,042 Girl, it's the courtroom family reunion for me. 421 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,002 And no TV for me, because my imagination is free, okay? 422 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,045 You know I can get away with anything 423 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,588 - 'cause my mama's a judge. - That's right! 424 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,548 Our families ate and left no crumbs. 425 00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:21,217 Look at us and all of our generational wealth! 426 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,760 Okay, but we do charge $25 to remove 427 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,928 that burnt popcorn smell from the microwave. 428 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,095 Girl, this is why we march. 429 00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:26,305 It's giving and living my ancestors' dream. 430 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,306 You can keep the burnt popcorn smell 431 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,474 because it brings back my childhood memories. 432 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,517 {\an8}Oh, look at that tall, dark, 433 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,434 {\an8}and bald-some concierge over there. 434 00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:31,435 What's the sitch, Him Possible? 435 00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:32,561 {\an8}Well, if you like it, I love it. 436 00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:33,979 {\an8}Payroll gave me his check by accident one time, 437 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,439 {\an8}and they really should stop playing with people's money. 438 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,691 Now, if you want a view, it's gonna be $29.95, 439 00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,401 if you want a breeze, it's gonna be $16.27, 440 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:40,736 and if you wanna be downwind from flatulence, 441 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,279 it's gonna be an extra $1.50. And cashing his check 442 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,531 {\an8}was definitely not worth the fraud charge. 443 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,615 {\an8}Ooh, girl, caught in 4K. 444 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,658 {\an8}Now, you know pollution is bad for my health 445 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,951 {\an8}and I do not have benefits. 446 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,369 {\an8}So no windows, no breeze, no flatulence, please. 447 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,703 {\an8}Is that charge sticking, though? 448 00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:51,038 {\an8}[chuckles] We gonna fuck around and find out. 449 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,540 {\an8}I have formed a whisper network of bellboys. 450 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,708 {\an8}So if you want that hot shower to run, it's gonna be $99.99. 451 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,627 {\an8}If you want that liquid water, it's gonna be $11 per drop 452 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:59,046 {\an8}because these boys are good at both bags and blackmail, hello. 453 00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:00,589 No showers for me because I'm a bath bitch. 454 00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,383 You can keep that liquid water because I prefer ice 455 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:03,300 because it doubles as a meal. 456 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,552 Your bellboys are ready for war. 457 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,053 Fuck with me and my B-boys if you want to! 458 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,429 For a limited time, you can upgrade your floors 459 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,764 from dirt to carpet for $350. 460 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,267 - Otherwise, that'll be $670.35. - Let 'em know, girl! 461 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,434 Dirt was good enough for my forefathers, 462 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,435 and it's good enough for me. 463 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,395 So I'll take the key to the basic room 464 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,854 'cause the sign out front says it's $49 a night 465 00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:17,565 and that's all I'm paying. Okay, later, friend! 466 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,732 I'll holla! 467 00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,109 It's gonna be $10 if you want that key card to work. 468 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,610 Purr. I'll sleep in the hallway. 469 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:22,903 Next. 470 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:30,244 {\an8}I play Cousin Curtis, but my real name is Tyrone. 471 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,328 {\an8}I guess. 472 00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:33,581 I'm fighting this 'cause playing Curtis is whack. 473 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,000 Dude is misogynistic and stupid. 474 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,960 All he do is talk about women's breasts 475 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,336 and laugh with his tongue out. 476 00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,046 Who actually laugh with they tongue out like that? 477 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,298 I wish I never did that. 478 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,300 I'm trying to turn my life over, I got a family. 479 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,051 I don't wanna do all this raunchy material. 480 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,929 I just wanna be myself. I hate it here. 481 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:56,145 Aww, Merry Christmas to you, too, babe. 482 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,606 Oh, I know, I know, but you know my parents said 483 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,941 I couldn't invite anybody home for the holidays 484 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,234 who doesn't know the choreography 485 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,444 to "Jingle Jangle." 486 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,404 All right, I'm thinking of you. 487 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,906 Love you. Mwah. Bye. 488 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,870 Alexa, play smooth jazz. 489 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:16,123 Now playing Kenny Warren G Radio. 490 00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,042 Set the mood. 491 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,501 [soft jazz music playing] 492 00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,880 Tonight, it's just me and you, Buzz Tightyear. 493 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,173 [vibrator buzzing] 494 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,341 - [gasps] - [shrieks] 495 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,967 both: What you 'bout to do? 496 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,218 [yells] 497 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:30,721 [groans] Oh, God. 498 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,723 Okay, I'm tripping. [chuckles] 499 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,308 Let's get back to it. 500 00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,352 Wand-kanda forever! 501 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,229 [ominous music] 502 00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:42,024 [deep voice] What you 'bout to do? 503 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,401 [yells] Oh, God! 504 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:47,988 Thanks for your care, bear, but I don't need your stare. 505 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,448 Damn, I'm tripping. 506 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,408 What was in that eggnog? [device chimes] 507 00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,661 Hello, Desi. Did I hear you say "eggs"? 508 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,829 Yours will never get fertilized with... 509 00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:56,997 [in deep voice] What you 'bout to do. 510 00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,124 Alexa, stop! 511 00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:00,918 My God, I don't need your judgement. 512 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,878 I just need the weather and news. 513 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,172 Now playing "Turn Up Tulsa." 514 00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:07,091 Okay, "Turn Up Tulsa." It's my favorite program. 515 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,425 You're listening to "Turn Up Tulsa." 516 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:09,885 I'm Cynthia Tucker. 517 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,220 In tonight's top story, 518 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,971 - we're gonna find out, Desi... - Huh? 519 00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,390 [voice distorted] What you 'bout to do? 520 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,934 Oh, God, no! Oh, why's she saying my name? 521 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,560 Desecrate your parents' home by shaking the foundation 522 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,479 of your childhood bed? A little playtime? 523 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,022 - Talk about a touching story. - [groans] 524 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:25,859 Alexa, stop! Stop, stop, stop! [device chimes] 525 00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,279 [panting] Crazy. This is crazy. 526 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,739 [wood creaks] [dramatic musical sting] 527 00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:31,949 [yells] 528 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,283 What I'm 'bout to do? 529 00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,202 I'm 'bout to write in cursive on my coochie. 530 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,871 I'm 'bout to set it back to daylight comings time. 531 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,457 I'm about to finger paint all over my puss! 532 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,959 Is that what you wanna hear? 533 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,962 [phone ringing] [sobbing] 534 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,799 ♪ ♪ 535 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,175 Aw, Mom. 536 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,928 You just right down the hall! Stop calling me! 537 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,304 Absolutely not. 538 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,598 [phone rings] [groans] 539 00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,142 Yes, Mom, what? 540 00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,226 {\an8}Hello, is this Desi? 541 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,269 {\an8}Who's asking? 542 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,979 {\an8}I kinda got my hand full right now. 543 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:04,273 {\an8}- Apologies, I just need a moment of your time. 544 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,442 {\an8}I'm with Auto Warranty Unlimited. 545 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,235 {\an8}We've been trying to reach you regarding... 546 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,862 {\an8}[in deep, distorted voice] What you 'bout to do? 547 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,740 {\an8}[yelling] 548 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,950 How are you seeing this? 549 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:18,662 What do you want from me? [yells] 550 00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,247 Oh, I'm gonna masturbate! 551 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:23,083 I'm about to focus on my needs 552 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,127 for an efficient, yet thorough 553 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,838 3 minutes and 26 seconds. 554 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,174 I am gonna come so hard, 555 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,926 my legs are gonna shake like a baby deer for days! 556 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:34,261 [groans] 557 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,637 Get out of here, bear. 558 00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:36,972 Sorry, grandparents. 559 00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,348 Alexa, stop! 560 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:40,017 HomeGoods, suck it! [wood crashes] 561 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:42,144 Kick rocks, you're killing my vibes! 562 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,812 [door slams] [whimpers] 563 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:47,441 [grunting] 564 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:48,984 Think you can stop me? 565 00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:53,280 You can't stop me! 566 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,365 I'm gonna rub my Harry Potter! 567 00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,785 Wand-gardium pleasure-osa! 568 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,244 [laughs] 569 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:00,954 [vibrator buzzes, winds down] 570 00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,039 Fuck! 571 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:06,168 [bright classical music] 572 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,586 [gavel bangs] 573 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,631 Welcome to the Picture-Perfect Auction. 574 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,675 I am Bidibidi Bombas, and this is where 575 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:17,554 you trade in your normality for a dream reality. 576 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:21,099 Remember, your life goals are just one Bidibidi away. 577 00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,768 - [nails clacking] - Carissa, Michelle, listen up. 578 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,646 - Yeah. - Today I plan to clean house. 579 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:26,897 I mean, ever since the untimely demise 580 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,316 of my 86-year-old husband-- ugh, may he rest in pieces-- 581 00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:32,486 the word "budget" is totally not in my vocabularrrry. 582 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,988 Right, but be careful, Janita. 583 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:38,659 New money can turn into no money very quickly. 584 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,452 Well, besties, y'all could just call me Erykah Badu 585 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,912 'cause I'm just here with a window seat 586 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,664 to watch two baddies outbid each other. 587 00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,082 [both laugh] [gavel bangs] 588 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,917 Our first item up for bid, 589 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,545 the Picture-Perfect Family. 590 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:52,548 That's right, there's a zaddy, four beautiful zids. 591 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,716 They're just missing their zommy. 592 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:56,093 Do we have any bidders? 593 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,262 Now, remember, we don't take dollars, 594 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,890 we only take dreams, so bid accordingly. 595 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:05,102 Let's start the bidding at "giving up your business." 596 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:08,063 Does anyone have a hair salon, a tech startup, a bakery? 597 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,690 Trade it in for the perfect family. 598 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,692 My Pussy Pudding Pops! 599 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,861 I couldn't find investors anyway. 600 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,320 I heard Pussy Pudding Pops. 601 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,739 Now, do I have a social life? 602 00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,242 Give up a social life to take this beautiful family 603 00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,953 to Red Lobster after Sunday service. 604 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:27,082 Well, I will give up all of my cousins and... 605 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,250 all of my play cousins! 606 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,626 [audience groans] 607 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:30,961 Take that. [laughs] 608 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,880 Sold to the woman whose cousins 609 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,965 - are now wasn'ts! - I got a man now, y'all. 610 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,093 Yeah, and you got four kids that don't look like you. 611 00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,678 Honey, what do you think Instagram filters are for? 612 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,763 - [gavel bangs] - Patrick, come on up here. 613 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,932 As part of your alimony, you get to work here. 614 00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:48,186 Our next item up for bid is the Picture-Perfect Career. 615 00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:51,481 Take a corner office at a Fortune 500 company 616 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:55,068 that has health, dental, vision, and nail care! 617 00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,737 Now, we'll start the bidding at... 618 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,030 a sex life. 619 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,198 Oof, that's too rich for my blood. 620 00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:01,909 Do I hear giving up bumping uglies, 621 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,328 knockin' boots, grindin' groins and tenderloins 622 00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,955 for money, power, respect, but no sex? 623 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,415 That's right, no sex in the champagne room, 624 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,750 no peen, no poon, no porn! 625 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,126 Uh, but can you peg, though? 626 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,295 - No pegging! - No sex! 627 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,006 That's easy. I don't do people. [chuckles] 628 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,758 Unless they're descendants of monarchs. 629 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,802 - Wow. - [laughs] Ooh, I like you. 630 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,805 All right, no fucks given or getting. 631 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,683 Let's raise our no sex with no time. 632 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,477 No time for you, no time to think, 633 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,686 no time to die, 634 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,063 all for the Picture-Perfect Career. 635 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,522 - Who's bidding? - Time! 636 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,441 I'll give up all of my time. 637 00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:35,609 I hear time! 638 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,486 Janita, you just won a whole family! 639 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:38,779 - Going once... - You ain't got no time! 640 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:39,780 Going twice... 641 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:44,743 I will raise her time and... 642 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,119 my hairline. 643 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:47,162 [audience gasps] 644 00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:48,455 - I heard hairline. Going once. - What? 645 00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:49,790 A-going twice. 646 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,792 Sold to the woman who's volunteered 647 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,335 to be booked, busy, and bald. 648 00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,795 Why are y'all playing "The Game of Life" 649 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:55,796 like it's "Trivial Pursuit"? 650 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,674 This is a crime against humanity! 651 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:01,009 Our final item up for bid, it's the biggest one. 652 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,010 Mm-mm-mm. 653 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,429 It is a woman unbothered! [audience oohs] 654 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,182 Life with boxed wine, nobody calling, 655 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,351 and your life on Do Not Disturb. 656 00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,894 Let's start the bidding at giving up-- 657 00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,270 My friends! [audience oohs] 658 00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:14,106 - What? - Sold. 659 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,819 This season on "The Real Housewives of B.C." 660 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:22,280 {\an8}[grunting] 661 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,615 {\an8}[creature screeches] 662 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:25,325 {\an8}[upbeat music] 663 00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:28,120 {\an8}[grunting] 664 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,204 {\an8}[creature squawks] 665 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,291 {\an8}[grunting] 666 00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:34,626 {\an8}[creature roars] 667 00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:39,256 {\an8}[yelling] 668 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,549 {\an8}[elephant trumpets] 669 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,761 {\an8}[grunting] 670 00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:45,846 {\an8}Teeth! 671 00:21:47,305 --> 00:21:48,807 {\an8}[animal roars] 672 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,565 [all grunting] 673 00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:01,653 {\an8}Cheers! 674 00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:03,113 {\an8}[all oohing] 675 00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:14,624 {\an8}You! 676 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,424 [gasps] [all ooh] 677 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,427 [tense music] 678 00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:26,887 ♪ ♪ 679 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,141 {\an8}Evolved than you! 680 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,645 {\an8}[yelling] 681 00:22:53,997 --> 00:22:55,290 {\an8}[groaning] 682 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,050 [all yelling, grunting] [bleeping] 683 00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,603 {\an8}I love it here! 684 00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:18,939 {\an8}I love my last name, I love my job. 685 00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,399 My idea of the perfect day is serving others. 686 00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:24,111 Anything I can do to bring a smile to people's faces. 687 00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,946 You ever make somebody laugh so hard they pee a little bit? 688 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,239 [chuckles] 689 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,782 I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. 690 00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:30,325 Uh-oh. I peed a little. 691 00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:31,660 Y'all cover dry cleaning, don't you? 692 00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:36,957 'Ey, yo, anybody ever tell you 693 00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,542 you look like Bobby Brown if you go like this? 694 00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:41,837 - Nah, no I don't. - Bobby Brown-lookin' ass! 695 00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,005 I'm 'bout to ride a fake penis! 696 00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:45,048 I'm gonna shove this in, 697 00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:46,633 and I don't even know which end. 698 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,009 I'm 'bout to finger paint my puss 699 00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:50,387 like a Picasso with a pink penis! 700 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,763 They're lizard people. 701 00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,141 My boyfriend shed his dick afterwards. 702 00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,725 It was magnificent. 703 00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:57,310 Uh, Ms. Bibity-Bibity, can you move on, 704 00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,311 'cause I'm freaking out. 705 00:23:58,311 --> 00:23:59,771 Well, you know he works for Frontier. 706 00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,606 He's gonna hook me up with a seatbelt on my next flight. 707 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,817 Sold to the woman who just married 708 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,152 the neighborhood Black Santa. 709 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,571 Sold to the woman who just married Suge Knight. 710 00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:09,823 Sold to the woman in the fake Versace. 711 00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:10,866 No, no, no. 712 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,117 You the only one that stuck with me 713 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,327 through that LL Cool J phase I had. 714 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,121 And Kangol sent me that cease and desist. 715 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,330 That's right, you was doing it wild. 716 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,040 Hey. both: Pew! 717 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:23,712 Sold to the woman who thinks one plus one is one. 718 00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,922 - Four. - Well, not quite. 719 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,382 I like how you waited until the end 720 00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:28,800 to reveal your shadiness. 721 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,093 Well, I like how you waited till the end 722 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,262 to do something worth bidding on. 723 00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,471 - Bitch. - Ooh-- 724 00:24:33,471 --> 00:24:35,056 Ooh, I'm gonna masturbate! 725 00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:36,558 That's what I'm 'bout to do! 726 00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:38,894 I'm gonna... [yells incoherently] 727 00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:40,103 [cat yowls] 728 00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:52,908 [bright tone] 729 00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:57,508 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 54271

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