Original subtitles

(Peter grunting)

Peter: Say something, Esther.

I love you.

Say something else. (Grunts)

(Praying indistinctly)

You don't love me.

Yes, I do.

But love's not enough for you.

Sex has its own rules.

Sex only has one rule,

procreation.

(Bells tolling)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Bells continue tolling)

(A ve mar/a playing)

(Bells tolling)

(Birds chirping)

(Laughs)

Are you sister Mary?

Never call me "sister Mary." Call me ma.

Sister Mary: You've aged, Andrew, but you kept your good looks.

Mmm.

You've aged too, ma, but, mmm, you haven't.

I should have followed my instincts and broken open the aims box

and then spent all that money on a good plastic surgeon.

You ever regret becoming a nun?

If I hadn't become a nun,

I never would have raised my two precious jewels,

you and Lenny.

The pope's a Jewel.

I'm just a bungling missionary priest.

You're both jewels, Andrew. And besides, you're a cardinal.

Yeah. Which means nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

But we're not here to talk about me, ma.

How is our pope?

In seventh heaven.

In seventh heaven, right.

I mean, who would have ever imagined that Lenny would become pope?

I should go now.

Never a good idea for a nun to be in a cardinal's room.

Well, if you see our pope, tell him to hurry up and give his address

because I would like to get back to my good works.

(Chuckles) Or bad ones.

That remains to be seen.

Don't you like it here?

This place smells like incense and death.

I prefer the smell of shit and life.

You haven't changed at all, I see.

And you, ma?

Will you change,

now that you've become a powerful woman?

(Exhales)

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I don't know if it's a good idea, Sofia.

I'm afraid it's premature.

"Premature," your eminence?

The time it takes to develop and update the merchandise,

it means we have to move right away, before the fakes start appearing.

Crooks are always so much faster.

Who knows how they do it?

Criminal organizations are faster because they don't forgive inefficiency.

At the risk of seeming too materialistic, your eminence,

do you know how much the Vatican coffers lose

for every day that passes

without any new papal merchandizing on the market?

Not exactly.

(Inaudible)

(Speaks Italian)

- Wow!

(In English) Now do you understand why I need

the holy father's immediate approval?

Yes, I do. But you don't know him.

And believe me, he's not an easy one.

He's a difficult, unpredictable man.

So? I'm a difficult, unpredictable woman.

True. Which is precisely why I'm worried.

Let me handle it.

You'll see. It'll go fine.

Help us, pipita.

Who's Saint pipita?

He's not a Saint.

He's the center fonnard for napoli.

Sofia: (Laughs) What a lame joke.

I see you've lost your optimism along with your sense of humor, eminence.

Voiello: A sense of humor is irrelevant for the secretary of state.

May I smoke as well, holy father?

Unfortunately not.

His holiness John Paul ii, in his day, forbade it.

May I tell you something, holy father?

That's why we're here.

With all due respect, seen from up close, you are an extraordinarily handsome man.

I had asked to meet the prefect

for the congregation for the clergy before anyone else.

And you, I think it's safe to deduce,

are not the prefect for the congregation of the clergy.

No, but I would like to be.

So would I.

But they made me pope instead.

(All chuckle)

I'm in charge of marketing here in Vatican City.

Did you study marketing in college?

- At Harvard, to be precise. - Don't sound so cocky.

The word "Harvard" may impress people around here,

but to an American, it means one thing only, decline.

Did you know that when the archbishop of Boston

would visit Harvard, he would boast to everyone

that he never washed his feet?

- (Chuckles) - It was public knowledge.

And at easter, at the washing of the feet,

everyone was terrified

that the archbishop of Boston might be chosen.

As soon as I became his superior, I sent him three envelopes.

In the first was a letter transferring him to Alaska.

In the second was some soap.

And in the third, a notecard on which I'd written, "choose."

And what did he choose?

- The soap. - I imagined.

Right, but what you couldn't possibly have imagined

was the fourth letter I sent him.

"Excellent choice, archbishop," I wrote.

"You'll find plenty of water in Alaska."

Sofia: A most edifying anecdote, holy father.

But I don't want to waste your time, so let me come right to the point of my visit.

- Please. - As you know, your holiness,

the Vatican holds a monopoly on the production

of any and all merchandise with an image of the pope on it.

Today's papal turnover requires us to come up with new designs,

which we will then need to get into production

as quickly as possible.

All those items with the holy father's picture on them,

which the faithful just love

and which make up a sizeable slice of the Vatican budget.

I see. Go on.

What would be required, then, is a brief photo shoot,

which will then enable us to get into production

as soon as possible a series of items displaying your holiness' picture.

Key chains, postcards, ashtrays, lighters, picture cards, plates...

- Plates? - Yes, of course, holy father.

Plates, too.

In addition to the usual plastic plates, which sell for €5,

we were thinking of something more refined.

It occurred to us that we might commission a special plate from vietri, in campania.

Oh, the craftsmen there do the most marvelous decorations.

So naturally, we were thinking of creating a plate with your portrait right in the center,

painted by the very best vietri craftsmen.

Nice. How much would they sell for?

€45, at least.

Oh, a reasonable price.

I would say so, considering that we're talking about craftsmanship, holy father.

Handmade, not some cheap factory production.

Perhaps we could send one to all the heads of state.

An excellent idea, your eminence.

Good. Very good.

Very good.

- Good. - Lenny: Very good.

- Yes, very, very, good. - Very, very good.

Good.

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

Good.

(Sighs)

(Whispers) Where did he go?

To get a gun, I imagine.

Come on. It went fine.

Do you see this plate, ma'am?

Yes, of course I see it.

Good.

This is the sort of merchandise I'm prepared to authorize.

But it doesn't have your image on it.

I do not have an image, my good lady, because I am no one.

Do you understand?

No one.

Only Christ exists.

Only Christ.

And I am not worth €45 or even €5.

I am worth nothing.

I... I don't understand, holy father.

Lenny: Of course you don't.

Because, as you said earlier, you studied at Harvard.

And Harvard is a place in decline

where you are taught to lower yourselves.

Whereas here in the Vatican, we try to elevate ourselves.

Who exactly is in charge of curating the image of the pope?

The secretary of state entrusted that delicate task to me, holy father.

- Two years ago. - Lenny: Very good.

And now I'm gonna tell you what you,

as curator of the image of the holy father, are gonna do.

You are gonna fire

the Vatican's official photographer immediately.

No photographs of the pope are to be issued.

Just as there were none when I was a cardinal or a bishop.

Do you know why?

I never allowed my picture to be taken.

And when someone managed to sneak a photograph of me,

I always bought them up before they could be published.

Now that I think about it,

I've been training my whole life to be an invisible pope.

And so for my first address, you will see to it

that the lighting is so dim, no photographer, no TV cameraman, and not even the faithful

will see anything of me but a dark shadow.

My silhouette.

They will not see me because I do not exist.

If I may, holy father,

what you are proposing is nothing short of suicide.

Media suicide.

Media suicide, you say?

Fine.

Now try to keep up with me if you can.

I'm right with you, holy father.

Good. Okay, so who is the most important author

of the last 20 years?

Careful now.

Not the best.

Virtuosity is for the arrogant.

The most important.

The author who sparked so much morbid curiosity

that he became the most important?

I... iwouldn't know. I'd say Philip roth.

No. Salinger.

The most important film director?

- Spielberg. - No, kubrick.

Contemporary artist?

Um, Jeff koons. Or Marina abramovic.

Banksy. Electronic music group?

Oh, I don't know the first thing about electronic music.

You say Harvard is a good university.

Anyway, daft punk.

The best Italian female vocalist?

- Mina? - Lenny: Ah.

- Very good!

(In English) Now do you know what it is,

what the invisible red thread that connects them all?

All these most important figures in their respective fields?

None of them let themselves be seen.

None of them let themselves be photographed.

But you are not an artist, holy father.

You are a head of state.

Yes, of a city-state so small, it has no outlet to the sea.

And in order to survive,

its leader has to make himself as unreachable as a rock star.

The Vatican survives thanks to hyperbole.

So we... we shall generate hyperbole.

But this time in reverse.

I'm beginning to get your point, holy father.

Yes, not only am I beginning to get it.

I'm beginning to like it, too.

Good. Very good.

(Assente speaks Italian)

- Childhood?

- His parents, both hippies,

abandon him at an orphanage,

and they give fake names to sister Mary, making it impossible for Lenny to find them.

Sister Mary's orphanage has ties to cardinal Spencer's university.

Spencer at that time was in New York.

Of all her little orphans, the only one she recommends to him is Lenny.

(In English) A British newspaper got the scoop with the headline,

"the pope smokes."

And this is how the world responded.

Once at Spencer's side we're all familiar with the direction his career takes.

Lenny succeeds him when Spencer is called to the curia.

Very young, he takes over the entire archdiocese of New York.

He's a cardinal at the age of 42.

But, if Lenny was so submissive, so dull,

why did Spencer favor him so much?

- Precisely because he never threatened Spencer's boundless ego.

And besides, Spencer has always preferred servile underlings.

But now, he's the one who has to serve that little boy.

- Lenny's moral conduct? - Irreproachable.

No gossip, no insinuations even.

No love affairs. Nothing.

- Sexual orientation? - Unknown.

- And what do you think his sexual orientation is?

- None.

He only cares about the church.

- And the church is female.

(In English) "Dear pope, what do I have to do to believe in god?

"Tommy, amarillo, Texas."

(Chuckles)

I want us to write back to all the children.

Aguirre: Of course, holy father.

And how would you respond to this child, eminence?

You'd write back and say,

"dear Tommy, think of all the things you like.

"There. That's what god is."

- (Animal grunts) - Aguirre: I knew it.

- There are mice in here. - Shh.

(Shushing)

That's no mouse.

(Cage rattling)

Man: A gift from the Australian foreign minister, holy father.

We thought we would donate it to the biopark.

- (Animal grunts) - What do you mean, "biopark"?

Man: The 200.

Not on your life.

(Animal grunting)

(Clicking tongue)

You can come out, sweetie.

(Smooth rock music playing)

Lenny: We'll set him free in the gardens.

Do you intend to follow me even in my more private moments?

I wasn't following you.

I, too, enjoy communing with nature.

- Well, what do you know? - Mmm.

Just one day, and we've already discovered we have something in common.

Don't be funny with me.

I've never been more serious,

and worried, about the pope.

The pope is a Saint.

Let him be the one to worry about you.

Yes, I've been told he chats with the kangaroos.

A Saint Francis of Sydney.

By "Saint," I don't mean a good man.

I mean he's literally a Saint.

Voiello: The holy father and you would do well to be a little more humble.

The Vatican is a state.

There is politics, finances, there are delicate balances,

donated by the Italian sailors

and grave dangers if those balances are upset.

Yes, but there are also lobbies, internal tensions,

scandals, vendettas, and threats.

All of this the holy father understands only too well, your eminence.

His bizarre refusal to show himself in public is just crazy.

To reveal his eyes right now

might be too much.

Too much for the world.

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

You will one day.

At any rate, let me reassure you that we intend to tackle

all of the concerns that you have raised, one by one.

"We"? Who's we?

You and the pope?

Do we have two popes now?

We also intend to tackle the question of the cardinal secretary of state.

It's a good thing you've come, sister Mary.

I was getting bored.

I must admit, you're a first-class adversary.

At any rate, here is the address I wrote for him.

I worked on it all night long.

It's a good address.

It's well-balanced and prudent and takes account of various positions.

It's diplomatic, in other words.

Haven't you realized the pope is indifferent to diplomacy?

Voiello: Yes, and wrongly so.

We are an anomalous state, and diplomacy is the only thing we have,

other than a handful of buildings and some works of art.

Let me say again, it's a good address.

I have infused it with all my commitment, all my passion.

Have you already seen dussolier?

Um, no. Mmm-mmm. Not yet.

Do you have any ideas for your first address?

Because you could ask Spencer for advice.

I don't need Spencer's advice.

That incident today with this kangaroo...

Stop it. It was nothing.

- Just chance. - Okay, just chance.

- And the time when we were... - Stop it.

(Cell phone ringing)

- Good evening, eminence.

Really?!

(Gate closing)

(Inaudible)

(Speaks Italian)

So, how are you?

I have to tell you a wonderful thing that happened to higuain.

Sister Mary: "My dear faithful ones,

"I'm sorry I'm late.

"Laughter from the audience.

"But here I am.

"Look at me.

"Only don't look at me.

"Look up.

"The pope points to the sky and the stars.

"Do you see the sky?

"Do you see god?

"No? You don't see him?

"No matter.

"Now look at the person next to you.

"Look joyfully upon him and remember what Saint augustine said.

- "'If you want to see god..." - Mmm-mmm.

You have the means to do it.

"'God is love.

(Door opens)

Lenny: Thank you, sister Mary.

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

So, I finally get to meet the prefect for the congregation for the clergy.

I've been anxious to see you.

Here I am, holy father.

Did you vote for me in the conclave, your eminence?

Not even once.

Why not?

Even though I don't know your ideas, in truth, no one does,

you are a pupil of cardinal Spencer.

Cardinal Spencer is a conservative,

a moderate one, but a conservative nonetheless.

I am not a conservative.

I figured that you were probably a conservative as well.

Are you, holy father?

What do you think?

I think that if the name you have chosen, pius xiii,

is intended to signal a continuity with pius xii,

then there is reason for concern.

Let's not forget that pius x!

Considered Mussolini to be a man of divine Providence.

At any rate, the college of cardinals was very rash

to elect a pontiff whose ideas and orientation

they did not know.

I agree with you.

It was rash.

At any rate, holy father, please don't take this as a criticism

or think that this will, in any way, dampen my obedience.

You ask me a question.

I consider it my duty to respond truthfully.

I appreciate your sincerity.

I'm gonna ask you another question,

and you will Grant me the courtesy of another sincere answer.

Of course, holy father. (Clears throat)

Are you homosexual, your eminence?

Yes, holy father.

Time for your snack, holy father.

(Snorts)

(Sighs)

My snack?

Yes, holy father. Your snack.

Right. That's what she calls it.

(Sighs)

I have to have my snack now.

Goodbye, your eminence.

Tommaso: I saw sister Mary coming out of cardinal dussolier's room.

Lenny: What else?

People are saying that sister Mary is the real pope,

notyou.

Who's saying that?

Cardinal ozolins.

He's heard it said that sister Mary uses "we" when she talks about the pope.

"We will do. We will tackle."

I overheard him talking to the Vatican secretary of state.

(Speaks Italian)

- "Lenny will always be a child."

(In English) He said.

How did the Vatican secretary of state react?

Tommaso: He was impassive.

He is a clever devil, that one.

But it's a lie, what ozolins says.

It is a lie,

isn't it, holy father?

Of course it's a lie.

A woman will never become the pope.

I am the pope.

Good morning, Mrs. Patane.

Good morning, cardinal ozolins.

(Lock rattling)

This office is falling apart. (Chuckles)

I'm quite fed up.

Give me a hand, Mrs. Patane.

How many times have I said it needs to be renovated?

Oh, here you are.

What alacrity.

(Drill whirring)

It's enough to raise one's voice around here for things to get resolved.

Ah, the door won't open.

- The door, the key.

Aguirre?

(Drill whirring)

How can I thank you, holy father,

for having entrusted the Vatican museums to me?

There's no need to thank me.

What made you enter the church, your eminence?

Life is so short.

I decided to opt for eternity.

(Bells tolling)

Lenny: Did you receive your calling as an adult?

Gutierrez: No, lheard the call.

Right here.

When I was 16.

Right here,

where may afternoons land.

That light spoke to me and said,

"be calm, Bernardo. Be calm."

The boy had become a man.

My mother, my father, they were here with me.

They looked at me,

but they were no longer themselves.

I was no longer myself.

"Where do afternoons land?"

The voice of conscience asked.

"They land here," I replied.

And the voice responded calmly,

"yes, it's true.

(Noice breaking) "But I will continue to protect the boy."

Lenny: What have we forgotten?

We have forgotten...

We have forgotten...

What have we forgotten?

We have forgotten...

We have forgotten...

(Gently) What have we forgotten?

We have forgotten...

We have forgotten...

(Flips paper)

What do you think, holy father?

I thought it was beautiful.

I thought it was full of references that...

Did I ask your opinion, sister Mary?

What? No, I just...

Keep quiet, then.

(Ball bangs)

Your address is really beautiful, eminence.

Balanced, yes,

but a balance of love,

which is exactly what love should be when it's full and resolved.

(Sighs) I, on the other hand, have never truly known what love is.

I've never really lived,

but I've come to the right place, though,

a city-state full of lost souls who have never really lived.

Sister Mary?

Sister Mary preferred to dine in her apartment this evening.

Sister Mary: What is it you wanted to say to me?

What have you decided about your address?

I have some very clear ideas about it.

Do you think you might use some of what the secretary of state wrote?

- Lenny: No. - Oh.

It's rather weak.

I thought it was beautiful. What a shame, Lenny.

Sister Mary?

Yes, Lenny?

From now on, you are to call me "your holiness."

As you wish, "your holiness."

I remember now what it was I wanted to say to you.

What?

You can let everyone know

that tomorrow evening at 9:00 pm,

pope pius xii! Will appear on the balcony at Saint Peter's basilica

and deliver his first official address.

(Praying indistinctly)

Lenny: I love you, Michael.

I'm so happy you asked me to come see you.

(Chuckles)

I couldn't wait to talk with you, Michael.

To thank you and to tell you

I owe it all to you that I've gotten this far.

You taught me about life. You taught me about theology.

(Spits)

I was supposed to be pope.

I know. But that was your mistake.

You could have refused the deal voiello offered you,

to betray me in exchange for the election.

What are you talking about? No one ever offered me a deal.

You liar!

But I don't expect anything from you.

You don't know how to love.

Don't talk to me like that, please.

If you think I'm gonna talk to you differently now that you're pope,

well, let me tell you something, Lenny.

That's never gonna happen, never.

Don't talk to me like that. You're hurting me.

I'm hurting you?

You've ruined my life.

You've destroyed any sense of destiny in my life.

So I spoke with assente.

He confessed to being gay.

It is unacceptable that a homosexual heads the congregation that trains priests.

- He's out. - That's nuts.

I want you to take his place.

We'll work together side-by-side every day.

You'll continue to mentor me, just like you've always done.

(Spits)

Are you crazy?

People will say you're just doing a favor for a friend.

What do you take me for?

Did you really think I'd accept your charity?

Lenny: "Charity"?

I don't have the power to make you pope, Michael.

It's not true

that you don't have the power to make me pope. You do.

- What? - Resign.

I'll win in the next conclave.

I wouldn't be so sure.

The conclave is mysterious.

(Laughs) You don't know shit.

You're just a blue-eyed kid.

The conclave is merely a place where games get played.

- Games in which you were never included. - You're just saying that to hurt me.

I'm saying it

because I'm the one who invented all the games that get played during conclave.

If you invented them, then why aren't you pope?

I shall soon find out.

Things went the way they did, Michael.

Please just accept it and accept the post as prefect for the congregation for the clergy.

You'll be the most powerful man in the whole church.

- (Spits) - And, Michael, help me.

I'm begging you. Help me write my first speech.

- I need you. - But I don't need you, Lenny.

Help me write my speech. I need your advice.

I have no more advice.

Get out of my house, Lenny.

Why did you have me come here, Michael?

To remind you that you're the pope now.

And that you're all alone.

Just as you've always been.

And that you're a nothing.

Nothing.

Your holiness pius xiii.

Lenny: Tell me about my parents.

Your parents left you at the orphanage,

saying they couldn't keep you anymore because they had to go to venice.

And you didn't ask them what they had to do in venice?

We didn't ask questions.

Lenny: What were they like?

Sister Mary: I don't remember, Lenny.

I must have seen thousands of parents leave their children with us.

I can't remember them all.

Lenny: I remember them. At least I remember them in my dreams.

In theory, they might still be alive.

Yes. They'd be just over 70 now.

And in theory, they might still be in venice.

They could be anywhere, Lenny.

I search everywhere.

I pray everywhere.

But I don't see god.

Because I don't see my father. Because I don't see my mother.

I, on the other hand, see everything.

What do you see?

God's plan.

A complex architecture that depends on you, your holiness.

Everything is so clear.

Who's in there?

No one.

Go see for yourself if you don't believe me.

All of Vatican City is yours, holy father, and so is this apartment.

No one loves me,

which is why I'm prepared for every kind of vileness from everyone.

Holy father,

I see Christ's reflection in you.

And in dussolier?

I see Christ's reflection in him, too.

A paler reflection.

(Upbeat guitar music playing)

(All singing in Italian)

Len NY: "My dear faithful ones,

"I'm sorry I'm late,

"but here I am.

"Look at me.

"Only don't look at me.

"Look up.

"Do you see the sky?

"Do you see god?

"No matter.

"Now look at the person next to you.

"Look joyfully upon him

"and remember what Saint augustine said.

"'If you want to see god, you have the means to do it.

"'God is love.

(Crowd roaring)

(Applause subsides)

(Indistinct murmuring)

(Crowd roaring)

(Cheers and applause)

(Crowd chanting faintly)

(Cheers and applause)

Crowd: (Chanting) Pio! Pio!

Not now.

Let yourself go, your holiness.

And if the Saint here were you, Gutierrez?

(Crowd cheering faintly)

(Crowd chanting)

(Crowd roaring)

(Cheers and applause)

Lenny: What have we forgotten?

(Crowd falls silent)

What have we forgotten?

(Camera shutters clicking)

We have forgotten god.

You! You have forgotten god.

I want to be very clear with you.

You have to be closer to god than to each other.

I am closer to god than I am to you.

You need to know! Will never be close to you.

Because everyone

is alone before god.

I have nothing to say to those

who have even the slightest doubt about god.

All I can do is remind them of my scorn

and their wretchedness.

I don't have to prove that god exists.

It is up to you to prove that he doesn't.

Are you capable of proving that god does not exist?

If you aren't able to prove it, that means god does exist.

God exists.

And he isn't interested in us

until we become interested in him,

in him exclusively.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Exclusively.

Twenty-four hours a day,

your hearts and minds filled only with god.

There's no room for anything else.

No room for free will.

No room for Liberty.

No room for emancipation.

"Free yourself from god," I've heard people say.

"Liberate yourself from god."

But the pain of liberation is unbearable,

sharp enough to kill.

Without god,

you're as good as dead.

Dead, abandoned strays

wandering the streets.

We want to look you in the face!

You want to look me in my face?

Go see god first!

I won't help you.

I'm not gonna show you the way.

Search for it.

Find it.

And when you've found god,

perhaps you will see me as well.

Stop it!

How dare you shine a light on your pope?

What you're doing is more than a simple lack of respect.

I don't know if you deserve me.

I don't know.

At this point,

I don't know if you're worthy of me.

I don't know.

(Thunder booming)

(Indistinct shouts)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Voiello speaks Italian)

- Help me.

Help me...

Atone for all the wrong I'll have to do in order to save the church.

(Crying)