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English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E14 (720p) Don't Give a Monkey a Gun - HDTV [KoTuWa]
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♪ Men. ♪
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00:00:03,410 --> 00:00:04,576
Morning.
4
00:00:04,578 --> 00:00:07,079
Oh, morning, Lyndsey.
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00:00:07,081 --> 00:00:08,780
Have you two officially met?
6
00:00:09,782 --> 00:00:10,749
We have, actually.
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00:00:10,751 --> 00:00:12,551
Remember
when you were stalking Alan
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00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:14,119
and you followed him
to a restaurant
9
00:00:14,121 --> 00:00:15,654
to catch him with his whore?
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00:00:15,656 --> 00:00:17,689
I was that whore!
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00:00:17,691 --> 00:00:18,757
(laughing)
Oh, my God.
12
00:00:18,759 --> 00:00:20,492
That was you?
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00:00:20,494 --> 00:00:22,027
Yes.
You know, I remember thinking,
14
00:00:22,029 --> 00:00:24,563
"What is such a beautiful
woman doing with Alan?"
15
00:00:24,565 --> 00:00:26,265
I thought the same thing
about you.
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00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:28,567
"What are we doing with Alan?"
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00:00:28,569 --> 00:00:32,404
And here I was worried you two
would have nothing in common.
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00:00:32,406 --> 00:00:34,072
Care for a mimosa?
Oh, no,
19
00:00:34,074 --> 00:00:35,941
thanks, I'm recently sober.
I'm cutting down
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00:00:35,943 --> 00:00:38,010
on the self-destructive choices
in my life.
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00:00:38,012 --> 00:00:39,645
Morning.
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00:00:39,647 --> 00:00:41,613
And she's down to one.
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00:00:42,315 --> 00:00:43,749
ALAN:
Oh!
24
00:00:43,751 --> 00:00:46,518
Oh, this is so uncomfortable.
What?
25
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,654
Well, I'm about to have
breakfast with my current lover,
26
00:00:48,656 --> 00:00:51,623
my former lover, and my husband.
27
00:00:52,692 --> 00:00:55,460
Oh, my God,
I'm turning into my mother.
28
00:00:57,030 --> 00:00:58,130
Well, to be fair,
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00:00:58,132 --> 00:01:00,499
your mother slept
with a lot more women.
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00:01:07,373 --> 00:01:08,974
Oh, hey, our, uh,
three-month anniversary
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00:01:08,976 --> 00:01:11,176
is on Valentine's Day.
What should we do?
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00:01:11,178 --> 00:01:13,645
I don't know. I was thinking
we could get dressed up
33
00:01:13,647 --> 00:01:16,315
and put on some cologne
and get some flowers
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00:01:16,317 --> 00:01:17,816
and go to
a romantic dinner...
35
00:01:17,818 --> 00:01:19,217
Ooh, I like it.
36
00:01:19,219 --> 00:01:21,420
...with our girlfriends.
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00:01:21,422 --> 00:01:24,423
Our girlfriends?
But it's Valentine's Day.
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00:01:25,925 --> 00:01:28,860
I can't believe I'm in a
relationship with a married man.
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00:01:28,862 --> 00:01:31,430
Eh. By the third time,
you get used to it.
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00:01:31,432 --> 00:01:32,698
WALDEN:
You know what,
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00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:34,166
that's actually
a really good point.
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00:01:34,168 --> 00:01:37,402
Since Louis' adoption's final,
why are we still married?
43
00:01:37,404 --> 00:01:39,471
Uh, because we love each other.
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00:01:39,473 --> 00:01:42,341
See? They always promise they're
gonna get out of their marriage,
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but they never do.
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Alan, I want a divorce.
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Wow. Just get right to it.
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Happy Valentine's Day to Alan.
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Oh, come on.
This was never a real marriage.
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00:01:54,287 --> 00:01:56,121
And these aren't
real tears, either.
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00:01:56,989 --> 00:01:58,957
I'm a stone-hearted
bastard, too!
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00:02:00,226 --> 00:02:02,594
You know what, Walden,
you can keep him.
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00:02:02,596 --> 00:02:03,929
(sighs) All right.
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00:02:03,931 --> 00:02:05,664
I'll go get him
before I find him masturbating
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in a pool of his own tears.
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00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:12,671
Been there.
Been there.
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00:02:12,673 --> 00:02:15,507
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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00:02:15,741 --> 00:02:19,741
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x14 ♪
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
Original Air Date: 2015-02-12
.
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00:02:19,742 --> 00:02:24,742
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
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00:02:24,743 --> 00:02:26,377
♪ Men. ♪
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00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,746
Can we make pancakes?
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00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:31,349
Oh. You know, I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't right now.
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00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:32,784
I'm k... I'm kind of busy.
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Y-You remember how I told you
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00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:36,921
that Alan and I aren't gonna
be married anymore?
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00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,055
(sadly):
Yeah.
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00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:40,458
Are you sad about the divorce?
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00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,994
No. I'm sad about the pancakes.
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00:02:46,665 --> 00:02:48,599
Hey.
Oh, hey. Great.
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00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,868
Uh, you know what, I'm working
on our divorce papers.
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00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:54,138
I need you to sign
right here.
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00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:55,973
What about dividing our assets?
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00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,277
Well, we both get what we had
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00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,611
when we came into the marriage.
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00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:02,413
So you get the house and the car
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00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:04,448
and the billion dollars
and the private jet?
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00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:05,583
Yep.
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00:03:06,718 --> 00:03:08,886
And you'll get that shirt.
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00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:12,423
You know what?
I'll go first.
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00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:15,359
You know, this isn't easy
for me either.
82
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,095
Does the beach house
and the private jet
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00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:20,431
and the billion dollars
make it easier?
84
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:22,200
Duh.
85
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:26,204
But this is still the best
relationship I've ever been in.
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00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,572
Hmm. It's funny.
87
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,640
When Judith and I got
divorced, she said,
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00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:31,976
"If you don't leave,
I will kill you."
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00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:34,979
I believed her.
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00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,448
Here. Your turn.
91
00:03:41,553 --> 00:03:43,721
I can't. My hand
knows it's wrong.
92
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:48,292
Your hand does a lot of things
it knows is wrong.
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00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:51,162
Just sign it.
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00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,097
(sighs)
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00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,266
(sighs)
Good-bye...
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00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,569
Dr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
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00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:02,773
I hardly knew ye.
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00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:05,209
Thank you. I really appreciate
you doing this whole thing.
99
00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:08,613
You know, in fact, I'd like to
get you a gift to say thank you.
100
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:11,249
Well, that's very nice, but
I didn't do it for a gift.
101
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,351
You're my best friend, and
I would walk through fire...
102
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,086
What kind of a gift
are we talking about?
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00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,088
Whatever you want.
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00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,724
Don't worry about the cost.
You deserve it.
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00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:21,459
Oh, wow.
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00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,527
This is exciting.
107
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:25,596
You're like a genie.
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00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:29,166
What do I rub to make
my wish come true?
109
00:04:30,369 --> 00:04:32,003
I heard it.
110
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,105
Oh. I-I already know
what my wish will be.
111
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,373
You can't wish for more wishes.
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00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,341
Damn it.
113
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,609
So-so what are the limits?
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00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,211
Are we talking
a trip to Disneyland?
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00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,679
More than that.
116
00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:42,713
Owning Disneyland?
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00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:43,915
Less than that.
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00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,883
I really want to own Disneyland.
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00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,885
Then the Little Mermaid
can't tell me,
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00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:51,822
"Pictures with children only."
121
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:54,759
Okay, I-I know my parameters,
I just have to think about it.
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00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,460
Can I have a wish?
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00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,764
I'll give you a hint:
it's pancakes.
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00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:04,001
You know what, fine,
I'll get you pancakes.
125
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:08,606
That's how it's done.
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00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:14,412
♪ Men. ♪
127
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:17,381
I'm sorry, so, after living
in his guesthouse for free
128
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:19,884
for four years,
your billionaire friend
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00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:22,086
is granting you a wish?
(scoffs)
130
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,821
Just one.
(scoffs)
131
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,189
This is so hard.
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00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:29,427
Yeah. What do you get
for a guy who has... nothing?
133
00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:30,962
No, I'm serious.
134
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,064
This is a very
tricky negotiation.
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00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,865
He'll-he'll hate me
if I ask for too much,
136
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:37,101
but I'll hate myself
if I ask for too little.
137
00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:38,636
I mean...
138
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:41,539
I'll hate myself either way,
but I could be hating myself
139
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:44,175
while Michael Caine
is my butler for a day.
140
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:47,445
(imitating Michael Caine):
Shall I bring the Volvo round then, sir?
141
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,916
Okay. What do you have so far,
besides Michael Caine?
142
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,884
Well, right now there's
a range of things.
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00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:56,554
A new computer,
a real bed,
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00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,256
um, $10,000 to my
favorite charity...
145
00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:00,825
Wow, that's very generous.
146
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:03,294
That was just in case
somebody else saw my list.
147
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,596
Don't you think it should be
something that lasts
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00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:08,332
for a while, something
that sets you up for the future?
149
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:11,068
Uh, number five,
penis enlargement.
150
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:13,904
Just promise me
you'll pick something practical.
151
00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:16,474
Right. Right. Practical.
Got to think practical.
152
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:20,745
Hey, um, if you had
the right kind of saddle,
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00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:24,782
could you ride
a giant panda?
154
00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:28,052
♪ Men. ♪
155
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:30,588
Don't peek.
I want it to be a surprise.
156
00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:32,223
Please don't be
a panda.
157
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,891
Please don't be a panda.
158
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,727
It's not a panda.
But that would be awesome.
159
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,496
Can you ride a panda?
(scoffs)
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00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:41,432
I wish. Apparently
it's animal cruelty.
161
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,567
PETA ruins everything.
162
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:45,336
Can I uncover my eyes?
163
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,771
Uh, ooh, one second.
164
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,172
Is he getting naked?
165
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:51,308
If he was,
I'd be covering my eyes.
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00:06:52,811 --> 00:06:54,412
ALAN:
Okay, open your eyes.
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00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:57,948
Wow.
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00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,350
What do you think?
169
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,786
I think he should've gotten
the penis enlargement.
170
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:04,388
This thing must
have cost a fortune.
171
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,890
Oh, it's not as expensive
as you think.
172
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:07,024
Plus, I traded in my Volvo.
173
00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:10,027
Yeah, it paid for
his first tank of gas.
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00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:13,431
You had one wish
and this is what you asked for?
175
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,966
Yeah. Five people flipped me off
on the way home.
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00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:17,268
It was awesome.
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00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,070
WALDEN:
Oh, plus,
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00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,404
you won't have to
explain your relationship
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00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:21,202
to your friends anymore.
180
00:07:21,226 --> 00:07:22,140
Mmm.
They all ask,
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00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,774
"What are you doing with
Alan?" But nobody asks,
182
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,910
"What are you doing with
the guy in the Ferrari?"
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00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:27,645
BERTA:
Oh, wow.
184
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,980
Sweet ride, Walden.
185
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:32,583
Finally a car
as pretty as you are.
186
00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:34,051
It's actually mine.
187
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:36,320
There is no God.
188
00:07:37,389 --> 00:07:39,056
Alan, we talked
about this.
189
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,825
I thought you were gonna get
something practical.
190
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,093
I thought so, too.
191
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,794
But Michael Caine is out
of the country shooting a movie,
192
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,362
so here we are.
193
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:47,131
Couldn't you have talked
some sense into him?
194
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,632
I told him to get
whatever he wants.
195
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,335
Don't hate the genie,
hate the wish.
196
00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:54,672
Right now I hate the idiot
who wasted it on a Ferrari.
197
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,475
Lyndsey, w-wait, wait.
We can take it for a spin.
198
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,276
I'll let you drive!
199
00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,378
Not a chance.
200
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:03,080
What the hell? I really thought
she was gonna like it.
201
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:04,381
I know. Me, too.
202
00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:06,817
Hey, Berta, uh, if you had
one wish, what would you get?
203
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,686
Have you signed the
divorce papers yet?
204
00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:10,888
I did.
Then I'm good.
205
00:08:12,457 --> 00:08:14,492
Men. ♪
206
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,227
Oh.
207
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,295
Hey. Have you, uh,
heard from Lyndsey?
208
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:19,497
No.
209
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,031
I even pulled out the big guns.
210
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:24,468
I texted her a picture of
my penis with a sad face on it.
211
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:27,471
Why would that work on her
212
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:30,674
when it never worked on me?
213
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:32,576
(door opens)
214
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:33,711
Hey, Walden.
215
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:37,515
Alan, why did you send me
your sad penis pic?
216
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,383
I-I'm sorry.
That was for Lyndsey.
217
00:08:39,385 --> 00:08:42,453
Come on, man!
218
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,188
Grow up.
She's seen it in person.
219
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,890
Yeah, and it was sad then, too.
220
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:47,858
Yeah, well, that sad penis
221
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,827
is driving around
in a brand-new Ferrari.
222
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:53,097
Why can't you talk
like a person?
223
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:56,100
Wait, so you used your wish
on a Ferrari?
224
00:08:57,335 --> 00:08:59,003
And how did Lyndsey feel
about that?
225
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,638
Well, she hated it,
and I just don't know why.
226
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,774
I-It was like our anniversary
lunch at Hooters all over again.
227
00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:06,777
Don't you know anything
about women?
228
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:09,413
Uh, you and I dated... I think
you know the answer to that.
229
00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:12,983
You had the chance to do
something for you and Lyndsey,
230
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:15,553
and instead you did something
just for yourself.
231
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,587
WALDEN:
You know what?
232
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:17,855
This is my fault.
233
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,957
I gave you
too much power.
234
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,526
You don't give
a monkey a gun.
235
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:26,797
Did we learn nothing
from Planet of the Apes?
236
00:09:26,799 --> 00:09:29,266
So how do I make this right
for Lyndsey?
237
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:33,604
Oh. Maybe you could paint
a smiley face on her vagina.
238
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:37,875
If she had one wish,
what would it be?
239
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:39,343
To be married to him.
240
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:40,945
Okay, that's probably true,
241
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,514
but she can't have Walden.
(chuckles)
242
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,716
And make sure she knows that.
243
00:09:45,718 --> 00:09:47,818
But I think you might
be on the right track
244
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,720
that she would
like a commitment.
245
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:51,121
Wow... a commitment.
246
00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:52,690
(chuckles)
247
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:55,726
For years, I-I felt
I should marry Lyndsey,
248
00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:58,262
but, uh, it's never
the right time.
249
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,965
Maybe now is the right time.
250
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,734
I just...
251
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:07,238
wish I had the money
for an engagement ring.
252
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,242
I'm not getting you an
engagement ring and a Ferrari.
253
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,943
How 'bout a promise ring
and a Beemer?
254
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,446
♪ Men. ♪
255
00:10:21,697 --> 00:10:23,031
♪ Men. ♪
256
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,366
Wow.
257
00:10:24,368 --> 00:10:27,402
I've never been to a high-end
jewelry store like this.
258
00:10:27,404 --> 00:10:29,905
Really? Where'd you get
your engagement ring for your ex-wife?
259
00:10:29,907 --> 00:10:32,040
Well, when I met Judith,
I was working at a funeral home.
260
00:10:32,042 --> 00:10:33,241
I'll let you
figure out the rest.
261
00:10:33,243 --> 00:10:34,342
(clears throat)
262
00:10:34,344 --> 00:10:37,679
(lock buzzes)
263
00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:41,249
I don't think
I belong here.
264
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,018
You know, I-I feel
out of place.
265
00:10:43,020 --> 00:10:45,086
Just follow my lead,
and keep it classy.
266
00:10:45,088 --> 00:10:47,355
Hi. Welcome to BJ's.
267
00:10:47,357 --> 00:10:48,557
(muffled laughter)
268
00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:51,460
I'm sorry.
(both laugh)
269
00:10:51,462 --> 00:10:54,362
(laughing):
Um, what does "BJ" stand for?
270
00:10:54,364 --> 00:10:55,464
Bountiful Jewels.
271
00:10:55,466 --> 00:10:58,200
Oh. You know, I...
I love your ads.
272
00:10:58,202 --> 00:11:01,803
Uh, uh, "Want a
diamond, give a BJ."
273
00:11:01,805 --> 00:11:03,205
Uh, uh, how about this one?
274
00:11:03,207 --> 00:11:05,073
If you're gonna
get down on your knees,
275
00:11:05,075 --> 00:11:06,842
you better be giving a BJ.
276
00:11:06,844 --> 00:11:08,310
(both laughing)
277
00:11:08,312 --> 00:11:10,078
We've heard them all, sir.
278
00:11:11,581 --> 00:11:13,381
So, what can we do for you guys?
279
00:11:13,383 --> 00:11:15,383
Uh, well,
to celebrate our divorce,
280
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:17,552
I'd like to get my ex-husband
an engagement ring
281
00:11:17,554 --> 00:11:19,454
for his on-again,
off-again girlfriend.
282
00:11:19,456 --> 00:11:22,057
Oh, and I might need your card,
in case I propose
283
00:11:22,059 --> 00:11:24,092
to my girlfriend,
his ex-girlfriend,
284
00:11:24,094 --> 00:11:26,361
our social worker.
285
00:11:27,763 --> 00:11:29,831
Also, do you validate?
286
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:32,067
We do.
So, what kind of cut
287
00:11:32,069 --> 00:11:33,401
were you thinking?
288
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:37,539
Oh, well, a-a cushion cut
is très in vogue right now.
289
00:11:37,541 --> 00:11:39,674
Oh, on the other hand,
ever since I was a little boy,
290
00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:41,409
I had my heart set
on a princess cut.
291
00:11:41,411 --> 00:11:43,512
I think that she's asking
what Lyndsey would like.
292
00:11:43,514 --> 00:11:46,915
Oh, uh, right, um,
uh, the bride, uh, Lyndsey.
293
00:11:46,917 --> 00:11:49,718
Um, uh, well, you know,
she has very common taste,
294
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,786
so, you know, probably round.
295
00:11:54,457 --> 00:11:56,558
Well, what do you think
of these?
296
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,894
They are both a minimum
of four carats each.
297
00:11:58,896 --> 00:12:01,029
Oh, and, uh,
how much are they?
298
00:12:01,031 --> 00:12:02,831
Oh, dear Lord!
299
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:06,268
I think I just dropped
four carats in my pants.
300
00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:07,936
Don't worry about the price.
301
00:12:07,938 --> 00:12:09,170
Just get what you want.
302
00:12:09,172 --> 00:12:10,939
Wow. Lyndsey is very lucky
303
00:12:10,941 --> 00:12:13,375
to have a man like you
in my life.
304
00:12:14,544 --> 00:12:16,745
So, do you
see anything you like?
305
00:12:16,747 --> 00:12:18,747
They all look good under
these showroom lights.
306
00:12:18,749 --> 00:12:20,382
I need something
that looks good
307
00:12:20,384 --> 00:12:21,983
in a rent-controlled
apartment in Van Nuys.
308
00:12:21,985 --> 00:12:23,652
Then I suggest this one.
309
00:12:23,654 --> 00:12:24,719
It's flawless.
310
00:12:24,721 --> 00:12:27,856
Oh. Well,
I'll take it.
311
00:12:27,858 --> 00:12:29,524
It'll remind her of me.
312
00:12:29,526 --> 00:12:31,993
Why? Does the diamond
fart a lot?
313
00:12:33,496 --> 00:12:35,330
I'll just go wrap this up.
314
00:12:36,699 --> 00:12:39,034
Wow. Wow!
(laughs)
315
00:12:39,036 --> 00:12:41,169
It's really happening.
Yeah.
316
00:12:41,171 --> 00:12:42,370
You're getting married.
317
00:12:42,372 --> 00:12:44,839
I know. I know.
318
00:12:44,841 --> 00:12:47,008
Pretty soon, I'll be
moving out of the house.
319
00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,510
(laughs)
I mean,
320
00:12:48,512 --> 00:12:49,678
I certainly wouldn't expect you
321
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,113
to let Lyndsey and I live
in your guest room.
322
00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:53,682
I mean,
that'-that'd be ridiculous.
323
00:12:53,684 --> 00:12:55,317
(laughing):
Wouldn't it?
324
00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:56,618
(laughs)
325
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,053
Wouldn't it?
326
00:12:58,055 --> 00:13:01,990
Hm... I have the house
all to myself.
327
00:13:01,992 --> 00:13:04,159
I hadn't thought about that.
328
00:13:04,994 --> 00:13:07,095
ALL:
Yay!
329
00:13:07,097 --> 00:13:09,097
Thank you.
330
00:13:09,099 --> 00:13:11,466
Well, we should
do this more often.
331
00:13:11,468 --> 00:13:13,034
We never get
together anymore.
332
00:13:13,036 --> 00:13:15,103
Oh, we wouldn't miss
your 50th birthday,
333
00:13:15,105 --> 00:13:17,272
here in the year >030.
334
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:18,974
Why are you telling
us what year it is?
335
00:13:18,976 --> 00:13:20,976
I don't know. I was just
providing some context,
336
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,812
in case people
missed the subtitle.
337
00:13:23,814 --> 00:13:25,914
Well, I really appreciate
you all being here.
338
00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:29,117
And, Louis, I'm glad you could
take time away from college.
339
00:13:29,119 --> 00:13:30,485
I wouldn't miss it, Dad.
340
00:13:30,487 --> 00:13:31,786
Although, today is the big game
341
00:13:31,788 --> 00:13:33,822
between Jupiter State
and Moon University.
342
00:13:33,824 --> 00:13:35,624
Go... Craters!
343
00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:39,828
Wow. Things sure are different
in the year 2030.
344
00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:42,263
Yeah. Lots of things
are different.
345
00:13:43,599 --> 00:13:45,900
(sputters)
346
00:13:45,902 --> 00:13:47,302
BERTA:
All right.
347
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,070
I'm out of here.
What?!
348
00:13:49,072 --> 00:13:50,372
No. You're leaving?
349
00:13:50,374 --> 00:13:52,307
Yeah. I want to get home
350
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:55,677
and watch the series finale
of The Big Bang Theory.
351
00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:59,581
Matthew McConaughey
is guest starring.
352
00:13:59,583 --> 00:14:02,951
I didn't know President
McConaughey could act.
353
00:14:02,953 --> 00:14:04,419
We should really get going, too.
Yeah.
354
00:14:04,421 --> 00:14:08,056
Oh, no! No. Come on,
stay, guys. The-the...
355
00:14:08,058 --> 00:14:10,358
Wait, wait. Why don't you...
why don't you stay the weekend?
356
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,626
I've have all
these extra rooms.
357
00:14:11,628 --> 00:14:14,429
God, Walden, I am a
successful businessman.
358
00:14:14,431 --> 00:14:17,465
I don't need to live in
your house for free anymore.
359
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:20,335
I live in Lyndsey's
house for free now.
360
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,103
Bye, guys.
Happy birthday.
361
00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:25,874
Well, I guess it's
just you and me.
362
00:14:25,876 --> 00:14:27,409
And Louis.
363
00:14:27,411 --> 00:14:28,677
WALDEN:
Oh, yeah, but
364
00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:29,778
he's just a hologram.
365
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,046
I've got to go.
366
00:14:31,048 --> 00:14:32,808
(echoing): It's pancake day
in the cafeteria.
367
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:38,319
Now it's really just
you and me. Hmm.
368
00:14:38,321 --> 00:14:40,155
You want some cake?
369
00:14:40,157 --> 00:14:44,059
Hey, babe. Ready to go?
370
00:14:44,061 --> 00:14:45,694
I sure am.
371
00:14:45,696 --> 00:14:47,128
Rain check on the cake?
372
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,564
How the hell
did you not age?
373
00:14:49,566 --> 00:14:51,066
I'm Michael Freakin' Bolton.
374
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:53,068
(laughs)
375
00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:54,736
And thanks for introducing us.
Mm.
376
00:14:54,738 --> 00:14:56,271
Get out of my house, Bolton.
377
00:14:56,273 --> 00:14:58,106
Bye, Walden.
378
00:14:58,108 --> 00:15:00,675
Yeah, bye, Walden.
379
00:15:00,677 --> 00:15:05,013
♪ When a man steals a woman. ♪
380
00:15:05,015 --> 00:15:06,614
Wait, no!
No, no, no, don't leave!
381
00:15:06,616 --> 00:15:08,016
I don't want to be alone!
382
00:15:08,818 --> 00:15:10,485
I don't want to be alone.
383
00:15:10,487 --> 00:15:12,220
Oh, Walden,
what-what are you talking about?
384
00:15:12,222 --> 00:15:15,390
No. You can't leave me.
385
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:16,624
I'll give you
anything you want.
386
00:15:16,626 --> 00:15:18,026
You can sleep in
the master bedroom,
387
00:15:18,028 --> 00:15:19,594
and I'll sleep on the futon.
388
00:15:19,596 --> 00:15:21,029
Just, you can't marry Lyndsey!
389
00:15:21,031 --> 00:15:22,897
Wait...
you can't ask that of me.
390
00:15:22,899 --> 00:15:24,365
I'll give you the house!
391
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,234
What's your return policy?
392
00:15:26,236 --> 00:15:27,769
You can't give back a BJ.
393
00:15:27,771 --> 00:15:31,172
Oh, God...
I'm gonna die alone!
394
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:32,440
Well, Walden, relax.
395
00:15:32,442 --> 00:15:33,742
No, I can't relax.
396
00:15:33,744 --> 00:15:35,643
I have seen the future!
397
00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:37,712
Ms. McMartin has
beautiful new boobs,
398
00:15:37,714 --> 00:15:39,714
but I don't get the boobs.
399
00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:41,082
Bolton gets the boobs.
400
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:44,619
And Louis... he won't come
home from Moon College!
401
00:15:44,621 --> 00:15:46,187
Oh, calm down.
Calm down, Walden.
402
00:15:46,189 --> 00:15:48,389
Now, I want you
to take a deep breath
403
00:15:48,391 --> 00:15:50,992
and tell me every detail
about Ms. McMartin's boobs.
404
00:15:50,994 --> 00:15:52,994
I can't breathe.
405
00:15:52,996 --> 00:15:54,295
I need air.
406
00:15:54,297 --> 00:15:55,597
(high-pitched gasping)
407
00:15:55,599 --> 00:15:56,931
Everything is spinning!
408
00:15:56,933 --> 00:16:00,201
My whole world is coming apart!
409
00:16:00,203 --> 00:16:02,070
Could you please buzz me out?
410
00:16:02,738 --> 00:16:04,606
(lock buzzing)
411
00:16:04,608 --> 00:16:07,275
♪ Men. ♪
412
00:16:07,277 --> 00:16:09,878
Hey, hey, don't
beat yourself up about this.
413
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,081
I mean, everybody freaks out
a little bit every now and then.
414
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:15,650
I mean, it's like...
it's like when I, uh, lost Louis
415
00:16:15,652 --> 00:16:17,252
for two hours at the mall.
416
00:16:17,254 --> 00:16:18,653
What?
417
00:16:18,655 --> 00:16:21,289
Uh, he found a Wetzel's Pretzel
in the trash.
418
00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:22,624
It was fine.
419
00:16:22,626 --> 00:16:25,226
I'm sorry
I caused a scene back there.
420
00:16:25,228 --> 00:16:27,395
Everything hit me all at once,
421
00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:29,964
and I had this terrifying vision
of the future,
422
00:16:29,966 --> 00:16:32,567
where I-I ended up all alone
in this house.
423
00:16:32,569 --> 00:16:35,036
Terrifying?
Next to my mother dying,
424
00:16:35,038 --> 00:16:38,706
being alone in this house
is my favorite dream.
425
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:43,111
Oh, it's just, when I think
about the rest of my life,
426
00:16:43,113 --> 00:16:45,079
you're the one constant.
427
00:16:45,081 --> 00:16:46,915
And I know
428
00:16:46,917 --> 00:16:49,150
I joke a lot
about you moving out,
429
00:16:49,152 --> 00:16:51,886
but the only thing...
worse than...
430
00:16:51,888 --> 00:16:54,422
you staying is you leaving.
431
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,294
Don't you think I'm scared, too?
432
00:16:59,296 --> 00:17:00,662
I mean,
433
00:17:00,664 --> 00:17:02,630
I'm trading you
for someone ten years older
434
00:17:02,632 --> 00:17:04,766
and a billion dollars poorer.
435
00:17:04,768 --> 00:17:07,802
Don't put it that way
in the proposal.
436
00:17:07,804 --> 00:17:09,871
Good call. See?
437
00:17:09,873 --> 00:17:11,739
I'm always gonna need you.
438
00:17:11,741 --> 00:17:13,808
And look, it's not like
I'm leaving tomorrow.
439
00:17:13,810 --> 00:17:16,344
Plus, even after Lyndsey
and I are married,
440
00:17:16,346 --> 00:17:17,812
we're still gonna
see each other.
441
00:17:17,814 --> 00:17:18,847
You mean it?
442
00:17:18,849 --> 00:17:20,348
Of course.
443
00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:22,317
I gotta do something
while Lyndsey's at work.
444
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:23,985
♪ Men. ♪
445
00:17:23,987 --> 00:17:26,154
Thank you both
for inviting me to dinner.
446
00:17:26,156 --> 00:17:28,189
Well, we just wanted
to cheer you up.
447
00:17:28,191 --> 00:17:30,892
I'm really fine. I'm pretty used
to Alan disappointing me.
448
00:17:30,894 --> 00:17:32,827
That's Alan.
He disappoints us,
449
00:17:32,829 --> 00:17:35,163
then he redeems himself,
only to disappoint us again.
450
00:17:35,165 --> 00:17:36,231
Yeah.
451
00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:38,399
It's the great circle of Alan.
452
00:17:38,401 --> 00:17:41,069
Hello, Lyndsey.
453
00:17:41,071 --> 00:17:43,004
Alan!
454
00:17:43,006 --> 00:17:45,206
Why are you dressed
like the waiters?
455
00:17:46,542 --> 00:17:48,810
That's an unfortunate
coincidence.
456
00:17:50,246 --> 00:17:52,747
I didn't know the restaurant
was gonna be this nice.
457
00:17:52,749 --> 00:17:54,082
What's going on?
458
00:17:54,084 --> 00:17:56,651
Hold that thought
until you hear this.
459
00:17:56,653 --> 00:18:00,188
Um, everybody,
this is Scott.
460
00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:02,223
Uh, he is available
for lessons
461
00:18:02,225 --> 00:18:04,959
at the Valley West
Community College.
462
00:18:04,961 --> 00:18:07,428
Uh, please inquire
after the performance.
463
00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:09,530
There you go, paid in full.
Now play.
464
00:18:09,532 --> 00:18:12,300
(playing romantic melody)
465
00:18:12,302 --> 00:18:15,236
Lyndsey Ruth Anne McElroy...
466
00:18:15,238 --> 00:18:16,271
What are you doing?
467
00:18:16,273 --> 00:18:18,273
The right thing for once.
468
00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:19,774
I've been in a lot
of relationships...
469
00:18:19,776 --> 00:18:22,577
Oh, three of whom
are at this table.
470
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:26,347
But none of them even
come close to what we have.
471
00:18:26,349 --> 00:18:30,151
From the moment I met you,
I knew you were too good for me.
472
00:18:30,153 --> 00:18:32,086
Oh, that's so sweet.
473
00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:33,922
And so true.
474
00:18:33,924 --> 00:18:38,960
Walden asked me to pick anything
in the world that I wanted,
475
00:18:38,962 --> 00:18:40,962
and I pick you.
476
00:18:40,964 --> 00:18:42,063
Ah.
477
00:18:42,065 --> 00:18:44,098
Will you marry me?
478
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,702
That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me,
479
00:18:47,704 --> 00:18:50,571
but I hope you didn't do
anything as silly as waste
480
00:18:50,573 --> 00:18:52,540
your wish on ring...
(gasps)
481
00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:55,009
I'm a princess!
I'm a pretty, pretty princess!
482
00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:56,411
(yells)
Is that a yes?
483
00:18:56,413 --> 00:18:58,112
Yes!
Ah! (laughs)
484
00:18:59,581 --> 00:19:02,283
That is so sweet.
485
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:04,585
It's so beautiful.
So moving.
486
00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:06,654
So... romantic.
487
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,823
In fact... Ms. McMartin,
488
00:19:08,825 --> 00:19:10,692
will you...?
No.
489
00:19:10,694 --> 00:19:11,859
Right, it's too soon.
490
00:19:11,861 --> 00:19:13,428
Don't leave me.
491
00:19:13,430 --> 00:19:14,595
I'm so happy.
492
00:19:14,597 --> 00:19:16,130
This is really
a new beginning.
493
00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:19,400
It is. We get our own place,
our own things, new jobs...
494
00:19:19,402 --> 00:19:20,735
Oh, perfect.
495
00:19:20,737 --> 00:19:22,203
Started the day
with a Ferrari,
496
00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:25,340
ended it with a
wife and a job.
497
00:19:25,342 --> 00:19:27,508
♪ Men. ♪
498
00:19:33,453 --> 00:19:35,521
♪ Men. ♪
499
00:19:35,523 --> 00:19:37,089
Thanks again
for the engagement ring.
500
00:19:37,091 --> 00:19:38,958
Thanks for being
such a great friend.
501
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,493
Oh, please.
502
00:19:40,495 --> 00:19:42,495
You gave me
a new lease on life.
503
00:19:42,497 --> 00:19:45,663
I mean, after we lost Charlie,
I thought we were done.
504
00:19:45,687 --> 00:19:46,667
We?
505
00:19:46,668 --> 00:19:50,469
Well, you know, me,
uh, Berta, Jake,
506
00:19:50,471 --> 00:19:52,471
my mom, Lyndsey,
507
00:19:52,473 --> 00:19:56,042
all the crazy characters who've
walked into this amazing house.
508
00:19:56,044 --> 00:19:59,445
Yeah, it's been a pretty
wacky last four years, huh?
509
00:19:59,447 --> 00:20:00,780
Yeah. (laughs)
510
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:01,947
Had a lot of laughs.
511
00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:05,868
Imagine how weird
it would be without the laughs.
512
00:20:29,003 --> 00:20:34,550
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
36971
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