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English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E02 (720p) A Chic Bar in Ibiza HDTV [KoTuWa]
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00:00:01,407 --> 00:00:02,999
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:03,023 --> 00:00:03,920
I'm dead.
3
00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,349
You're in the hospital.
You had a mild heart attack.
4
00:00:06,350 --> 00:00:07,449
I almost died, Alan.
5
00:00:07,451 --> 00:00:09,151
But the important thing is
you didn't.
6
00:00:09,153 --> 00:00:11,720
Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.
7
00:00:11,722 --> 00:00:13,121
At least you
got Jake.
8
00:00:13,123 --> 00:00:14,489
I want to have a kid of my own.
9
00:00:14,491 --> 00:00:17,693
You are obviously more than qualified.
Thank you.
10
00:00:17,695 --> 00:00:19,061
I'd start looking
at golden retriever puppies,
11
00:00:19,063 --> 00:00:20,562
'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
12
00:00:20,564 --> 00:00:22,364
You're a single guy,
and the system
13
00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:23,832
is really geared
towards married couples.
14
00:00:23,834 --> 00:00:26,368
Alan Harper,
will you marry me?
15
00:00:28,472 --> 00:00:30,572
♪ Men. ♪
16
00:00:30,574 --> 00:00:32,941
Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?
17
00:00:32,943 --> 00:00:34,309
Yes.
18
00:00:34,311 --> 00:00:36,345
Alan Jerome Harper,
19
00:00:36,347 --> 00:00:38,947
would you be my wi...?
20
00:00:38,949 --> 00:00:42,251
Hus...?
21
00:00:42,253 --> 00:00:43,585
Life buddy?
22
00:00:43,587 --> 00:00:45,687
Okay, I'm a little confused.
23
00:00:45,689 --> 00:00:49,858
And not like the time I-I got
that massage from that lady-boy.
24
00:00:51,428 --> 00:00:53,428
Look, I want
to adopt a kid,
25
00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:56,565
and the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.
26
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,767
And if I'm gonna
settle for someone,
27
00:00:58,769 --> 00:01:00,502
it might as well be you.
28
00:01:00,504 --> 00:01:03,338
That's exactly what
my first wife said.
29
00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:06,108
Listen, I-I know
this sounds crazy,
30
00:01:06,110 --> 00:01:09,578
but you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.
31
00:01:09,580 --> 00:01:11,079
Walden, there are
literally millions of women
32
00:01:11,081 --> 00:01:13,282
who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.
33
00:01:13,284 --> 00:01:14,883
Yeah, but I wouldn't be
half as happy
34
00:01:14,885 --> 00:01:16,919
with any of them
as I would be with you.
35
00:01:16,921 --> 00:01:18,820
Go on.
36
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:24,459
When-when I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,
37
00:01:24,461 --> 00:01:26,228
you have nine of them.
38
00:01:26,230 --> 00:01:28,463
You're my best friend,
you're trustworthy,
39
00:01:28,465 --> 00:01:31,733
you're loving, you're smart,
you'll never leave me.
40
00:01:31,735 --> 00:01:34,436
Married or not, till
death do us part.
41
00:01:34,438 --> 00:01:36,605
You're funny,
you're understanding.
42
00:01:36,607 --> 00:01:39,141
You don't care
if I leave the toilet seat up.
43
00:01:39,143 --> 00:01:40,876
I actually prefer it.
44
00:01:40,878 --> 00:01:43,078
Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,
45
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,813
and I had a surprise
splash-down.
46
00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:49,618
I was like a
turtle on its back.
47
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:50,786
Right there. That's another one.
48
00:01:50,788 --> 00:01:51,954
As long as you're around,
49
00:01:51,956 --> 00:01:54,623
I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.
50
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,291
So, what's the one thing
51
00:01:56,293 --> 00:01:59,261
you want in a wife
that I don't have?
52
00:01:59,263 --> 00:02:01,063
Oh. Right, right.
53
00:02:01,065 --> 00:02:03,966
I-I do not have
one of those.
54
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:05,867
I barely have one of these.
55
00:02:08,605 --> 00:02:10,605
I mean, how would
this work exactly?
56
00:02:10,607 --> 00:02:13,241
I mean, we're gonna
pretend to be a couple?
57
00:02:13,243 --> 00:02:14,876
We wouldn't pretend.
58
00:02:14,878 --> 00:02:17,879
We're actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.
59
00:02:17,881 --> 00:02:21,616
And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.
60
00:02:22,486 --> 00:02:25,120
Not even on my birthday?
61
00:02:25,122 --> 00:02:28,890
Sorry, sorry... flashback
to the first wife.
62
00:02:28,892 --> 00:02:31,159
So, so, I can have
crazy, anonymous sex
63
00:02:31,161 --> 00:02:33,095
with any woman I want?
64
00:02:33,097 --> 00:02:36,365
No. You will still be you.
65
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,934
Oh.
66
00:02:40,637 --> 00:02:43,338
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
67
00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:46,875
Dr. Alan Schmidt.
68
00:02:46,877 --> 00:02:48,176
What are you doing?
69
00:02:48,178 --> 00:02:51,346
Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.
70
00:02:51,348 --> 00:02:53,148
Yes, Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt,
71
00:02:53,150 --> 00:02:54,783
welcome back
to the Four Seasons.
72
00:02:54,785 --> 00:02:56,752
Your ocean front suite is ready.
73
00:02:56,754 --> 00:02:58,854
Okay, cut the Schmidt.
74
00:02:58,856 --> 00:03:01,423
Oh, yeah, I'd have
to put up with that Schmidt.
75
00:03:01,425 --> 00:03:03,458
But you know what?
I'm gonna own it.
76
00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,027
I don't give a Schmidt.
77
00:03:05,029 --> 00:03:07,496
What are you saying?
78
00:03:07,498 --> 00:03:10,198
I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you,
you big dumb Schmidt.
79
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,034
(laughing)
80
00:03:12,036 --> 00:03:14,202
Ah.
81
00:03:14,204 --> 00:03:17,472
Oh, please tell me that's
ChapStick in your pocket.
82
00:03:17,474 --> 00:03:20,175
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
83
00:03:20,177 --> 00:03:21,620
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
84
00:03:21,621 --> 00:03:24,621
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x02 ♪
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
Original Air Date: 2014-11-06
.
85
00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:27,940
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
86
00:03:29,207 --> 00:03:30,606
♪ Men. ♪
87
00:03:30,608 --> 00:03:32,308
(doorbell rings)
88
00:03:32,310 --> 00:03:34,010
Hi, Mom.
Thanks for coming over.
89
00:03:34,012 --> 00:03:35,411
What is so important
90
00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:38,581
that I had to leave halfway
through my bikini wax?
91
00:03:38,583 --> 00:03:40,917
I look like a black
and white cookie.
92
00:03:42,654 --> 00:03:46,722
Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.
93
00:03:47,992 --> 00:03:50,626
What's going on?
94
00:03:50,628 --> 00:03:52,829
Is this another
intervention?
95
00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:56,799
For the millionth time, I do not
have a drinking problem.
96
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:59,168
No, Evelyn.
It's-it's a celebration.
97
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:00,336
Well, in that case,
98
00:04:00,338 --> 00:04:02,438
I'll have a double martini
and hold the vermouth.
99
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,473
Hello. I'm Robin.
I'm Walden's mother.
100
00:04:04,475 --> 00:04:06,309
Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.
101
00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:09,612
You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.
102
00:04:09,614 --> 00:04:11,147
Who did them?
103
00:04:11,149 --> 00:04:12,448
God?
104
00:04:12,450 --> 00:04:14,450
Well, he's still the best.
105
00:04:14,452 --> 00:04:17,553
Although Dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.
106
00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:20,223
They are lovely.
107
00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:23,526
Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom's boobs? God.
108
00:04:23,528 --> 00:04:26,963
Oh, my God, that's why I had
so many friends in high school.
109
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:30,399
So, what's
the big announcement?
110
00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:32,501
Uh... Well...
(chuckles)
111
00:04:32,503 --> 00:04:34,537
Alan and I...
112
00:04:34,539 --> 00:04:36,439
We're getting married!
113
00:04:36,441 --> 00:04:38,774
Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.
114
00:04:38,776 --> 00:04:40,476
Sorry, sorry.
I'm just so excited.
115
00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:44,714
Uh, no offense, but
can't you do better than Alan?
116
00:04:45,617 --> 00:04:48,651
Back up. You are marrying him?
117
00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,586
Yup.
118
00:04:50,588 --> 00:04:52,588
Ow! What was
that for?
119
00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:54,357
For marrying Zippy.
120
00:04:54,359 --> 00:04:56,025
Hey! Why are you
hitting me?!
121
00:04:56,027 --> 00:04:58,494
For being Zippy.
122
00:04:58,496 --> 00:05:00,329
This sounds great,
except for one thing.
123
00:05:00,331 --> 00:05:01,664
You guys aren't gay.
124
00:05:01,666 --> 00:05:03,299
No, we're not gay.
125
00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,167
We are getting
married because...
126
00:05:05,169 --> 00:05:07,570
It'll make it easier
for him to adopt a child!
127
00:05:07,572 --> 00:05:09,238
Aah, come on!
128
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,640
Uh, thank you, Berta.
129
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:12,208
ROBIN:
Hold on.
130
00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:13,509
You want a child?
131
00:05:13,511 --> 00:05:15,511
Yes. I've been doing
a lot of thinking
132
00:05:15,513 --> 00:05:17,713
about my life,
and I believe
133
00:05:17,715 --> 00:05:20,316
that having a kid would
add more meaning to it.
134
00:05:20,318 --> 00:05:22,618
Parenthood can be
very rewarding.
135
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:24,820
Some of the time.
136
00:05:26,324 --> 00:05:28,424
So, this marriage
is just a sham?
137
00:05:28,426 --> 00:05:30,860
I didn't march in all
of those gay rights parades
138
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:34,330
so you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.
139
00:05:34,332 --> 00:05:35,531
You marched in
those parades
140
00:05:35,533 --> 00:05:37,566
so you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.
141
00:05:37,568 --> 00:05:41,003
Hard-won chicks.
142
00:05:41,005 --> 00:05:43,406
All right, look, we're not
making a mockery of anything,
143
00:05:43,408 --> 00:05:46,042
and I get the challenges
that gay couples face,
144
00:05:46,044 --> 00:05:49,078
but I-I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there
145
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,113
that are just looking
for a good home,
146
00:05:51,115 --> 00:05:53,149
and I think we
can provide that.
147
00:05:53,151 --> 00:05:55,117
And I get health insurance.
148
00:05:55,119 --> 00:05:57,353
You guys are lucky
you're in California.
149
00:05:57,355 --> 00:06:00,122
In some states, they still don't
let gay couples get married
150
00:06:00,124 --> 00:06:01,424
or adopt kids.
151
00:06:01,426 --> 00:06:03,092
You know, when
I was in Utah,
152
00:06:03,094 --> 00:06:06,595
I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.
153
00:06:07,465 --> 00:06:10,099
Simply for being gay.
154
00:06:11,803 --> 00:06:13,803
Wow, this is a lot to take in.
155
00:06:13,805 --> 00:06:17,006
My son is going to get married
and have a child with...
156
00:06:18,242 --> 00:06:21,811
Oh, God, where...
where did I go wrong?
157
00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:25,982
♪ Men. ♪
158
00:06:25,984 --> 00:06:29,952
Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.
159
00:06:31,189 --> 00:06:33,756
My friend with no benefits.
160
00:06:35,026 --> 00:06:36,926
My boo.
161
00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:40,529
You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you're all of them.
162
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:43,933
What's all this?
163
00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:45,167
Uh, oh, I'm, uh...
164
00:06:45,169 --> 00:06:47,403
I'm making a dream
board for our wedding.
165
00:06:47,405 --> 00:06:48,938
Uh, there's also
a Pinterest page,
166
00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:51,707
or you can go to: Alan
and Walden's big day dot com.
167
00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:54,210
Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.
168
00:06:54,212 --> 00:06:56,712
Uh, I really loved
the photoshopped picture
169
00:06:56,714 --> 00:06:59,115
of both us peeking
around the same tree.
170
00:07:01,586 --> 00:07:03,652
However, you know,
171
00:07:03,654 --> 00:07:06,522
we're not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.
172
00:07:06,524 --> 00:07:08,024
Oh, okay, I get it.
173
00:07:08,026 --> 00:07:09,759
You know,
small destination wedding.
174
00:07:09,761 --> 00:07:12,728
Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,
175
00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:15,631
matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.
176
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:18,634
Seagulls flying overhead.
177
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:22,605
Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!
178
00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:26,008
And where do you see this
happening?
179
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:29,478
Well, obviously,
there's Hawaii and Cabo.
180
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:30,913
Um,
181
00:07:30,915 --> 00:07:32,815
I'd be happy
with either one of those.
182
00:07:32,817 --> 00:07:35,785
Um, but I hear that Greece is
fabulous this time of year.
183
00:07:35,787 --> 00:07:38,320
And just FYI, Mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.
184
00:07:38,322 --> 00:07:40,022
Opa!
185
00:07:40,892 --> 00:07:43,692
Nopa!
186
00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,528
We're getting married
in the courthouse.
187
00:07:45,530 --> 00:07:48,497
Please tell me “the courthouse"
is a chic bar in Ibiza.
188
00:07:48,499 --> 00:07:50,399
No, it's a rundown courthouse
189
00:07:50,401 --> 00:07:52,468
around the corner
from the Jiffy Lube.
190
00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:53,736
We'll pay 50 bucks,
191
00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:55,304
we'll do some paperwork,
192
00:07:55,306 --> 00:07:57,106
and if you're good,
we'll go outside
193
00:07:57,108 --> 00:07:59,575
to the food truck,
and I'll buy you a gyro.
194
00:07:59,577 --> 00:08:02,111
Opa!
195
00:08:02,113 --> 00:08:03,779
Oh.
196
00:08:03,781 --> 00:08:05,948
Okay. I see.
197
00:08:05,950 --> 00:08:07,917
What's wrong?
198
00:08:07,919 --> 00:08:10,019
Nothing.
199
00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:12,021
(sighs)
Talk to me.
200
00:08:12,023 --> 00:08:13,656
No, it's fine.
201
00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:15,724
You know, I just
wanted to make sure
202
00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:17,493
this whole thing
was special for us,
203
00:08:17,495 --> 00:08:19,762
for you, but, you know,
it's no big deal.
204
00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:22,231
I'm sure we can
still make it special.
205
00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,300
Maybe, uh... maybe Jenny
can take some pictures
206
00:08:24,302 --> 00:08:26,335
on her iPhone.
207
00:08:26,337 --> 00:08:28,571
Alan, come on.
208
00:08:28,573 --> 00:08:30,773
Don't touch me.
209
00:08:33,111 --> 00:08:35,711
Look, this isn't about us.
210
00:08:35,713 --> 00:08:37,980
It's about bringing
a kid into our lives.
211
00:08:37,982 --> 00:08:40,249
It's a simple
business transaction,
212
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,952
like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...
213
00:08:42,954 --> 00:08:44,887
writing a rent check.
214
00:08:44,889 --> 00:08:48,424
Stop me when I land on something
you've actually done.
215
00:08:48,426 --> 00:08:49,758
I just got excited
216
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,460
because I've never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.
217
00:08:51,462 --> 00:08:55,998
Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.
218
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,736
You know, we still need
to get each other rings.
219
00:09:00,738 --> 00:09:02,905
We can just get something
online.
220
00:09:02,907 --> 00:09:06,542
Or we could go into
Beverly Hills and have brunch,
221
00:09:06,544 --> 00:09:08,611
and go ring shopping together.
222
00:09:08,613 --> 00:09:10,980
Really?
223
00:09:10,982 --> 00:09:12,548
Sure.
224
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:15,317
Because I do have ideas.
225
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:19,421
♪ Men. ♪
226
00:09:19,423 --> 00:09:21,190
ALAN:
Hey, Berta,
227
00:09:21,192 --> 00:09:22,825
do we have any carrots?
228
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:25,761
Oh, wait. I've got 14 karats
of white gold
229
00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:27,263
right here.
230
00:09:27,265 --> 00:09:30,533
You'll make a beautiful
bride, Zippy.
231
00:09:30,535 --> 00:09:33,502
Hey.
Hey, there's my future baby daddy!
232
00:09:34,572 --> 00:09:37,306
If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.
233
00:09:40,077 --> 00:09:43,112
Hey, uh, I got some paperwork
for you to sign.
234
00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:45,447
Oh, uh, and I've got some
paperwork for you to sign.
235
00:09:45,449 --> 00:09:48,017
Guess it's true. Married couples
do start to think alike.
236
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:52,288
Maybe soon, we'll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.
237
00:09:52,290 --> 00:09:55,124
It's the application form
for our marriage license.
238
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:57,726
Oh, look at you.
Yeah.
239
00:09:57,728 --> 00:09:59,662
I guess somebody's
gonna get that money
240
00:09:59,664 --> 00:10:01,564
for that Mani-pedi
he wants after all.
241
00:10:01,566 --> 00:10:03,432
Ah, you spoil me.
242
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:05,734
No, I'm just trying to be
a good business partner.
243
00:10:05,736 --> 00:10:08,637
The Johnson to
your Johnson.
244
00:10:08,639 --> 00:10:09,972
Wait, that-that
didn't come out right.
245
00:10:09,974 --> 00:10:12,074
So, uh... so what do
you need me to sign?
246
00:10:12,076 --> 00:10:14,510
Uh, just this.
247
00:10:14,512 --> 00:10:16,545
Oh. What's that?
(laughs)
248
00:10:16,547 --> 00:10:19,148
Oh, it's a simple dissolution
of services agreement.
249
00:10:20,284 --> 00:10:23,752
Oh! Oh, you-you mean,
like a... like a prenup?
250
00:10:23,754 --> 00:10:26,055
Yup. So, it's not a big deal.
251
00:10:26,057 --> 00:10:29,758
Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.
252
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,027
Why do we need a prenup?
253
00:10:32,029 --> 00:10:33,529
And here we go.
254
00:10:33,531 --> 00:10:34,863
Uh...
255
00:10:34,865 --> 00:10:36,732
when couples get married,
256
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:38,601
finances become complicated,
257
00:10:38,603 --> 00:10:40,903
and this just simplifies it.
258
00:10:40,905 --> 00:10:42,271
Oh, does it?
259
00:10:42,273 --> 00:10:44,340
'Cause it seems like
it's pretty simple right now.
260
00:10:44,342 --> 00:10:45,541
You don't trust me.
261
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:47,276
Okay, that's not true at all.
262
00:10:47,278 --> 00:10:48,477
Isn't it?
263
00:10:48,479 --> 00:10:50,913
I mean, is this what
you really think of me?
264
00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:53,849
That I'm some kind
of gold digger?
265
00:10:53,851 --> 00:10:57,386
Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.
266
00:10:57,388 --> 00:10:59,755
Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?
267
00:10:59,757 --> 00:11:02,191
You know, why do you make
everything so difficult?
268
00:11:02,193 --> 00:11:04,593
It's like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne
269
00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,464
because the bubbles didn't taste
like “a mouthful of stars”"
270
00:11:08,466 --> 00:11:11,333
If it doesn't explode in
your mouth, what's the point?
271
00:11:11,335 --> 00:11:15,237
You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!
272
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,906
Look, I'm just trying
to protect my assets.
273
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:20,743
Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe
I should protect my assets.
274
00:11:20,745 --> 00:11:23,012
You know, don't worry, I'm pretty sure
that your VHS copy
275
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:25,147
of Dirty Dancing
and your complete collection
276
00:11:25,149 --> 00:11:27,883
of Ghostbusters trading cards
are safe.
277
00:11:27,885 --> 00:11:31,587
I am a collector
of '80s movie memorabilia.
278
00:11:31,589 --> 00:11:35,324
And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.
279
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,093
Hobby mocker.
280
00:11:38,095 --> 00:11:41,230
I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,
281
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:42,698
my dignity.
282
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,932
Your dignity?!
Mm-hmm.
283
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:45,534
Your dignity...?
Yes.
284
00:11:45,536 --> 00:11:47,503
Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure
that the security guard
285
00:11:47,505 --> 00:11:49,538
at the shopping mall had
to remove the bench
286
00:11:49,540 --> 00:11:52,775
from outside of Victoria's
Secret because of you!
287
00:11:53,678 --> 00:11:55,577
Mall flogger!
288
00:11:55,579 --> 00:11:58,247
I got to tell you, I'm having a lot of
second thoughts right now.
289
00:11:58,249 --> 00:12:00,749
Really? Because this is exactly
where I want to be in my life,
290
00:12:00,751 --> 00:12:03,852
begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.
291
00:12:03,854 --> 00:12:06,288
Now sign the prenup!
292
00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:08,290
I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn't mean you get
293
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,925
to shove whatever you want
down my throat
294
00:12:09,927 --> 00:12:11,527
and expect me to swallow it!
295
00:12:11,529 --> 00:12:14,563
Do-do you... do you even hear
296
00:12:14,565 --> 00:12:16,799
the words that you are saying?!
297
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:19,868
How about these words?
The wedding's off!
298
00:12:21,072 --> 00:12:22,538
(crying)
299
00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:28,344
I can't even get Alan Harper
to marry me.
300
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,081
♪ Men. ♪
301
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,401
♪ Men. ♪
Boy, this better be important.
302
00:12:41,403 --> 00:12:43,937
I just saw you
two days ago.
303
00:12:43,939 --> 00:12:46,707
Walden and I broke up.
The-the wedding is off.
304
00:12:46,709 --> 00:12:47,709
Oh, Alan.
305
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,776
You had a rich husband
on the hook
306
00:12:49,778 --> 00:12:51,445
and you couldn't reel him in.
307
00:12:52,281 --> 00:12:53,847
What happened?
308
00:12:53,849 --> 00:12:56,783
Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.
309
00:12:56,785 --> 00:12:59,319
Well, of course you refused.
310
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:03,190
The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.
311
00:13:03,192 --> 00:13:04,791
Mom, I don't want his money.
312
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,896
Never say that again.
313
00:13:09,898 --> 00:13:11,231
Is that a new ring?
314
00:13:11,233 --> 00:13:13,033
Feels like Cartier.
315
00:13:13,035 --> 00:13:15,636
Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?
316
00:13:15,638 --> 00:13:16,970
My rich husband.
317
00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:20,340
When Marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign
318
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:23,610
was his “do not resuscitate”
order.
319
00:13:23,612 --> 00:13:26,613
Walden says this wedding is just
a-a business transaction.
320
00:13:26,615 --> 00:13:28,515
H-How many business
transactions end
321
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,685
with the release of
grand monarch butterflies?
322
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,820
Darling, it is
just business.
323
00:13:33,822 --> 00:13:36,823
He's using you
to get what he wants,
324
00:13:36,825 --> 00:13:39,726
and you should be using him
to get what you want:
325
00:13:39,728 --> 00:13:41,662
financial security.
326
00:13:41,664 --> 00:13:43,397
I'm not doing it for
financial security.
327
00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:45,032
Walden genuinely
wants a child,
328
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:48,068
the same way that I wanted
Jake and-and you wanted...
329
00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:50,037
Charlie.
330
00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:51,872
I just thought that
after four years together
331
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,540
that he would trust me
when it comes to money.
332
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:57,377
Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don't trust you.
333
00:13:57,379 --> 00:14:00,347
Maybe, uh, a-a
prenup is justified.
334
00:14:00,349 --> 00:14:02,049
Maybe I am just a sponge.
335
00:14:02,051 --> 00:14:04,184
A-a-a parasite.
336
00:14:04,186 --> 00:14:08,622
And-and he tolerates me
because he's my best friend.
337
00:14:09,425 --> 00:14:10,490
And I've let him down,
338
00:14:10,492 --> 00:14:13,293
and all I want to
do is make him happy.
339
00:14:13,295 --> 00:14:15,329
“Best friend.”
340
00:14:15,331 --> 00:14:17,030
“Happy.”
341
00:14:17,032 --> 00:14:19,733
I just have no idea where
you got these warped views
342
00:14:19,735 --> 00:14:21,268
on marriage.
343
00:14:21,270 --> 00:14:22,769
He wouldn't sign a prenup?
344
00:14:22,771 --> 00:14:26,073
No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.
345
00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:28,542
“You don't trust me.
The wedding's off.
346
00:14:28,544 --> 00:14:32,079
I'm going to
Ibiza by myself”"
347
00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:34,314
Let's face it, the man
is simply not your equal.
348
00:14:34,316 --> 00:14:36,616
If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed
349
00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:40,487
in the mountains, Alan would be
the first person eaten.
350
00:14:40,489 --> 00:14:42,022
On the other hand,
351
00:14:42,024 --> 00:14:43,824
you're handsome,
successful, smart.
352
00:14:43,826 --> 00:14:46,126
You would be eaten last.
353
00:14:46,128 --> 00:14:49,830
You're just saying I'd be eaten
last 'cause you're my mom.
354
00:14:49,832 --> 00:14:52,766
Well, listen, I know you're
serious about this child thing,
355
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:55,931
so I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.
356
00:14:55,932 --> 00:14:56,996
You didn't.
357
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:59,549
Oh, Jessica's very amenable
to striking a business deal.
358
00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:00,974
(sighs)
Plus,
359
00:15:00,976 --> 00:15:03,210
she's already visited
Dr. Schenkman,
360
00:15:03,212 --> 00:15:04,578
if you know what I mean.
361
00:15:04,580 --> 00:15:07,547
Mom, that's exactly
what I don't want.
362
00:15:07,549 --> 00:15:09,282
I don't even
know this Jess...
363
00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,985
Holy Schenkman.
364
00:15:11,987 --> 00:15:14,121
Look, I-I w...
365
00:15:17,993 --> 00:15:21,461
No, she'd be eaten first.
366
00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:24,564
Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.
367
00:15:24,566 --> 00:15:27,000
That's why I picked Alan
in the first place.
368
00:15:27,002 --> 00:15:29,002
How can you possibly trust him?
369
00:15:29,004 --> 00:15:31,138
He siphons gas out of your car.
370
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:32,506
Technically, I never caught him.
371
00:15:32,508 --> 00:15:33,840
I just assumed that he did it
372
00:15:33,842 --> 00:15:35,509
'cause the garden hose smelled
like gas
373
00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:37,244
and one time he burped
near a candle
374
00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:39,413
and it lit the couch on fire.
375
00:15:39,415 --> 00:15:42,416
I don't know why you ever
let Alan live with you in the first place.
376
00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:44,351
Uh, for starters,
he saved my life.
377
00:15:44,353 --> 00:15:47,020
And... he's been
there for me,
378
00:15:47,022 --> 00:15:51,658
every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn't.
379
00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:54,094
The bottom line is...
380
00:15:54,096 --> 00:15:56,096
he's my best friend.
381
00:15:56,098 --> 00:15:57,230
Jessica could be
your best friend.
382
00:15:57,232 --> 00:15:59,399
I'm not going out with Jessica.
383
00:15:59,401 --> 00:16:00,967
Fine. I get it.
384
00:16:00,969 --> 00:16:03,170
I do have another intern
that you might like better.
385
00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:05,138
His name is Derek.
He does Pilates...
386
00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:06,973
Mom, I'm not gay!
387
00:16:06,975 --> 00:16:09,075
I-I just want to marry a man.
388
00:16:09,077 --> 00:16:12,479
Why is that so difficult
to understand?
389
00:16:12,481 --> 00:16:14,781
♪ Men. ♪
390
00:16:15,584 --> 00:16:17,751
Hey.
391
00:16:17,753 --> 00:16:19,920
Hey.
392
00:16:19,922 --> 00:16:22,522
Listen...
About earlier...
393
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:25,459
Uh, that-that's,
that's my fault.
394
00:16:25,461 --> 00:16:28,462
I-I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.
395
00:16:28,464 --> 00:16:31,231
I mean, there's guys standing
at freeway onramps
396
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,133
that make more money than I do.
397
00:16:33,135 --> 00:16:36,102
You know what,
you don't need to sign it.
398
00:16:36,104 --> 00:16:38,038
Despite my mother's objections
399
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,973
and despite everything
I've learned from...
400
00:16:39,975 --> 00:16:42,209
two seasons of Basketball Wives,
401
00:16:42,211 --> 00:16:44,177
I trust you completely.
402
00:16:44,179 --> 00:16:45,712
That's nice, but, uh,
403
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:48,582
I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.
404
00:16:48,584 --> 00:16:49,584
Really?
405
00:16:49,585 --> 00:16:52,018
Thank you. I-I owe you.
406
00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:53,386
You owe me nothing.
407
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,422
I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope
408
00:16:55,424 --> 00:16:57,824
and $1.75 for postage.
409
00:16:57,826 --> 00:16:59,392
Nothing for gas?
410
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,595
No, I just filled up.
411
00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:09,102
Will you still be my husband?
412
00:17:09,104 --> 00:17:11,371
You know I can't quit you.
413
00:17:11,373 --> 00:17:12,672
Listen, I-I know
this isn't the wedding
414
00:17:12,674 --> 00:17:14,007
that you've always dreamed of,
415
00:17:14,009 --> 00:17:16,843
but I-I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.
416
00:17:16,845 --> 00:17:20,247
Tell me Vera Wang
started making tuxes.
417
00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:21,615
Even better.
418
00:17:21,617 --> 00:17:25,952
♪ When a man loves another man ♪
419
00:17:27,322 --> 00:17:29,456
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothing else... ♪
420
00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:33,059
Oh... my... God.
421
00:17:33,061 --> 00:17:35,128
It's like you live
inside my dreams.
422
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:37,864
Happy wife, happy life.
423
00:17:37,866 --> 00:17:39,833
Uh, fellas, can
we get this going?
424
00:17:39,835 --> 00:17:42,035
There's a lot of gay couples
here who'd like to get married
425
00:17:42,037 --> 00:17:44,404
before the Supreme Court
changes its mind.
426
00:17:44,406 --> 00:17:46,740
Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,
427
00:17:46,742 --> 00:17:49,075
and I've got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.
428
00:17:49,077 --> 00:17:52,379
♪ When a man loves
another man ♪
429
00:17:52,381 --> 00:17:54,047
Kill it, Bolton.
430
00:17:56,919 --> 00:17:58,718
Hello, Michael.
431
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,954
You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.
432
00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,455
Well, that's very flattering.
433
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,990
Would you like me to sign it?
434
00:18:03,992 --> 00:18:06,126
I have a special pen.
435
00:18:07,396 --> 00:18:08,396
What a coincidence.
436
00:18:08,397 --> 00:18:10,063
I have a bit of
a nasty habit
437
00:18:10,065 --> 00:18:12,999
of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.
438
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:17,337
We're here
to join Walden Schmidt
439
00:18:17,339 --> 00:18:19,973
and Alan Harper
in legal marriage.
440
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:21,942
Have you two written
your own vows?
441
00:18:21,944 --> 00:18:23,310
No, the, uh, standard...
the standard
442
00:18:23,312 --> 00:18:25,879
“for richer, for poorer”
actually fits us quite well.
443
00:18:25,881 --> 00:18:26,913
Actually,
444
00:18:26,915 --> 00:18:29,349
I've written
a little something down.
445
00:18:29,351 --> 00:18:31,084
What? You didn't.
446
00:18:31,086 --> 00:18:32,319
I wanted to surprise you.
447
00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:34,287
(chuckles)
Vows and Bolton?
448
00:18:34,289 --> 00:18:35,589
♪ When a man... ♪
449
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:37,257
Not the cue, Bolton.
450
00:18:40,295 --> 00:18:41,761
Today,
451
00:18:41,763 --> 00:18:43,597
I'm marrying
my best friend.
452
00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:45,265
Do not cry.
453
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:48,168
Keep it together, Alan.
(clears throat)
454
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:51,171
In the last four years,
I've been through a lot.
455
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:55,375
Uh, there's been good times
and bad times.
456
00:18:55,377 --> 00:18:58,878
But through it all,
you were there.
457
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,849
And I can't imagine
a future without you.
458
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:07,654
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
459
00:19:07,656 --> 00:19:09,255
I love you.
460
00:19:09,257 --> 00:19:11,124
(voice breaking):
I love you, too.
461
00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:19,032
This is the gayest wedding
I've ever been to.
462
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,067
I think it's beaut...
Wh-Whose hand is on my ass?
463
00:19:21,069 --> 00:19:23,303
Sorry.
Sorry.
464
00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:25,171
Walden,
465
00:19:25,173 --> 00:19:28,375
do you take Alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
466
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,311
I do.
467
00:19:31,313 --> 00:19:33,980
And, Alan, do you take Walden
to be your...
468
00:19:33,982 --> 00:19:35,348
Try and stop me.
469
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:37,984
I now
pronounce you married.
470
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:40,654
You may kiss.
471
00:19:40,656 --> 00:19:41,955
Oh. Oh, yeah.
472
00:19:41,957 --> 00:19:44,457
Um, kiss. Right.
(chuckles)
473
00:19:44,459 --> 00:19:45,692
Let's...
474
00:19:45,694 --> 00:19:46,993
Aw, what the hell.
475
00:19:46,995 --> 00:19:48,762
(chuckles)
476
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:56,236
♪ When a man loves
another man... ♪
477
00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:04,358
♪ Men. ♪
Morning.
478
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:08,896
Hey. There's the old
balls and chain.
479
00:20:09,832 --> 00:20:11,799
How was your
wedding night?
480
00:20:11,801 --> 00:20:13,300
Much like my first one.
481
00:20:13,302 --> 00:20:16,370
I spent it
masturbating alone.
482
00:20:16,372 --> 00:20:17,972
You're the only guy I know
483
00:20:17,974 --> 00:20:21,709
that would register
for lotion and tissues.
484
00:20:21,711 --> 00:20:24,211
That was some party
last night, huh?
485
00:20:24,213 --> 00:20:27,114
Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.
486
00:20:27,116 --> 00:20:29,450
And I'm pretty sure I'm
wearing Jenny's underwear.
487
00:20:29,452 --> 00:20:31,118
Yeah.
488
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:35,289
The whole evening's
a little fuzzy for me, too.
489
00:20:36,492 --> 00:20:38,692
The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots
490
00:20:38,694 --> 00:20:41,495
off of Michael Bolton.
491
00:20:41,497 --> 00:20:44,899
All of us did body shots
off of Michael Bolton.
492
00:20:51,039 --> 00:20:52,373
Even our moms got along.
493
00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:54,208
I wasn't sure they'd
click at first, but...
494
00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:56,210
in the end, they
came together.
495
00:20:56,212 --> 00:20:58,546
♪ When a man ♪
496
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:01,382
♪ Loves two women... ♪
497
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:14,600
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
36584
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