Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- STANLEY... - (snoring)

STANLEY, GET UP.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ASLEEP. GET UP!

(snoring continues)

IF YOU WANT TO LIE DOWN, WHY DON'T YOU COME TO BED?

I'M UP, I'M UP.

LOOK, STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN LYING AROUND ALL MORNING.

AND YOU PROMISED ME

THAT YOU'D PAINT THE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING TODAY.

THE DAY'S NOT OVER.

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE BEEN PROMISING ALL YEAR.

THE YEAR'S NOT OVER.

HOW LONG CAN YOU STAND TO LOOK AT SOMETHING SO FADED AND DRAB?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN MARRIED?

IF YOU GOT THE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING PAINTED

MAYBE YOU COULD RENT THOSE TWO EMPTY APARTMENTS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

WELL, MAYBE, COME TO THINK OF IT,

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET A PROFESSIONAL PAINTER.

NO WAY, I'M NOT GONNA SHELL OUT $1,500.

I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT...

HELEN, I KNOW THESE GUYS,

THEY'RE RUDE AND THEY'RE SLOW AND THEY'RE LAZY

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.

YOU'RE RIGHT, STANLEY, YOU'RE THE MAN FOR THE JOB.

ALL RIGHT NOW, CHRISSY, THIS IS A JOB APPLICATION

SO I WANT THIS LETTER TO BE SIMPLE AND DIRECT.

- READY? ALL RIGHT. - READY.

OKAY, THE DATE... TODAY'S DATE.

GOOD. OKAY, GOOD, OKAY.

LET'S SEE... HOW AM I DOING SO FAR?

WONDERFUL. YOU GOT THE DATE RIGHT.

WANT ME TO READ IT BACK TO YOU?

NO, CHRISSY, THAT'S FINE THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST TOUGH TO GET STARTED. YOU KNOW?

- DEAR, SIR. - YES?

OH, YEAH, YES, THAT'S GOOD. WRITE THAT.

- DEAR SIR. - OKAY.

UH-OH... NOT "UH-OH", DEAR SIR.

- WHAT IF A WOMAN GETS IT? - OKAY, DEAR MADAM.

- WHAT IF A MAN GETS IT? - CHRISSY, PUT DOWN "DEAR SIR OR MADAM."

HOW ABOUT "DEAR MADAM OR SIR"?

CHRISSY, THIS LETTER IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

IF I DON'T GET A JOB SOON, WE'RE NOT GOING TO EAT AROUND HERE.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EAT AROUND HERE.

EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY, WHO DOES THE COOKING IN THIS PLACE?

RIGHT. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN?

GOOD, GOOD, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN."

(stammering)

I AM DESIROUS OF OBTAINING A PART-TIME JOB.

GO, CHRISSY.

I AM DESIROUS OF OBTAIN...

- CHRISSY, YOU'RE NOT TYPING. - "DESIROUS"?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH DESIROUS?

WELL, IT MAKES YOU SOUND TOO SEXY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LEAVE IT IN.

LEAVE IT IN?

YEAH, I DON'T CARE WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET A JOB.

DEAR SIR, DEAR MADAM, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I AM DESIROUS OF OBTAINING A PART-TIME JOB

TO HELP FINANCE MY ATTENDANCE AT TECHNICAL COLLEGE.

I AM SURE I CAN BE OF INVALUABLE ASSISTANCE

TO YOU IN SOME CAPACITY

SUCH AS TAKING INVENTORY

OR RUNNING ERRANDS...

JUST BRUSHING THE HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES.

I AM EAGER, I'M BRIGHT,

I AM WILLING TO WORK VERY HARD, I HAVE NO BAD HABITS,

AND I'M AVAILABLE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE

FOR A PERSONAL INTERVIEW.

YOURS SINCERELY... NO, NO, MAKE THAT

HUMBLY YOURS,

HUMBLY YOURS, JACK TRIPPER.

OKAY, GOOD.

I'M ALL READY, JACK. YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM THE GROCERY STORE?

OH YEAH, JANET, I'M MAKING SPAGHETTI TONIGHT

SO I NEED SOME HERBS, THANK YOU.

OH WAIT, I BETTER WRITE THAT DOWN.

SAY, ANYONE SEEN MY PEN? WHERE'S MY PEN?

- WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?"

MY GOLD PEN. YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH THE INSCRIPTION

MY PARENTS GAVE ME FOR MY GRADUATION.

OH GOSH, WHERE'D YOU LOSE IT?

WELL...

CHRISSY, IF I KNEW WHERE I LOST IT, THEN I'D STILL HAVE IT.

OH, I KNOW, I TOOK IT TO BED WITH ME LAST NIGHT.

INSTEAD OF HER TEDDY BEAR?

HER MOTHER LIKES HER TO WRITE HOME

EVERY NIGHT RIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES TO SLEEP.

- REALLY? - YEAH, I THINK IT'S HER MOTHER'S WAY

- OF MAKING SURE JANET'S ALONE IN BED. - (Jack laughs)

- IT ISN'T IN THERE. - MAYBE YOU LEFT IT AT WORK.

I HOPE SO, JACK, THAT PEN'S REAL IMPORTANT TO ME.

THANK YOU. OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH YOUR SPAGHETTI?

- I NEED SOME OREGANO, SOME BASIL, - UH-HUH...

- CLOVE OF GARLIC. - WAIT, OKAY.

- AND TWO POUNDS OF GROUND ROUND. - OKAY.

- ANYTHING ELSE. - HM-MM.

- ARE YOU SURE? - I'M SURE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPAGHETTI?

PUT DOWN SPAGHETTI.

OKEY-DOKEY.

- WHAT'S THAT? - OH, IT'S MY PASSPORT TO EMPLOYMENT.

- GET A LOAD OF THIS. - OKAY.

LET'S SEE HERE. "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I AM DESIROUS OF OBTAINING A PART-TIME...

- "DESIROUS"? - (Jack groans)

- SORRY, IT'S GOOD. "DESIROUS." - DESIROUS.

"ATTEND A GOOD TECHNICAL COLLEGE.

I AM SURE I CAN BE OF INVALUABLE ASSISTANCE TO YOU IN SOME CAPACITY

SUCH AS TAKING INVENTORY, RUNNING ERRANDS, OR JUST

Both: BRUSHING THE HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES"?!

CHRISSY, WHAT IS THAT?

- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID. - I SAID IT TO YOU, NOT TO THE LETTER.

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S KIND OF SWEET.

MAYBE YOU'LL END UP GROOMING ENGLISH SHEEPDOGS.

WILL YOU HOLD THE LADDER, HELEN?

- I'M HOLDING IT. - CAN YOU HOLD IT STEADY?

OR DO YOU WANT ME TO BREAK MY NECK?

DECISIONS, DECISIONS...

DON'T KID AROUND. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING IF I'M TOO HIGH UP.

I DON'T THINK HEIGHT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

WHY NOT?

OUR BED IS ONLY TWO FEET OFF THE FLOOR.

(laughs)

- WILL YOU HOLD THE LADDER? - OKAY, OKAY.

- HI FOLKS. - (Mr. Roper screams)

ARE YOU CRAZY? I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

- PARDON ME? - DON'T EVER SNEAK UP BEHIND ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

DON'T MIND HIM, JACK,

HE GETS NASTY IF HE HAS TO DO ANYTHING HE DOESN'T LIKE.

- CLIMBING A LADDER? - THAT TOO.

WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE, ISN'T THAT THE SHAWL

- I BOUGHT YOU FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY? - YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO SAVE IT FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PAINTED THE HOUSE?

- (Helen and Jack laugh) - SHE'S GOT YOU THERE.

- JACK, DO ME A FAVOR. - I BETTER BE GOING.

I DON'T WANT HER TO GET ANY PAINT ON THAT SHAWL.

YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THE SHAWL?

IT WOULD LOOK CUTE ON YOU, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE

THAT IS IF JACK DOESN'T MIND GIVING A LITTLE HELP.

- OH, I DON'T MIND. WHERE DOES HE NEED IT? - EVERYWHERE.

(laughs) SHE GOT YOU AGAIN.

JACK, JUST HOLD THE LADDER, WILL YA?

- IT'S VERY HARD TO CLIMB. - YEAH.

WAIT, MR. ROPER, THIS IS EASY TO CLIMB. HANG ON, I'LL SHOW YOU.

JUST WATCH, SEE... WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO

IS YOU'VE GOT TO GET TO KNOW YOUR LADDER. SEE?

- JACK, BE CAREFUL, WATCH IT. - JUST TESTING IT.

- JACK! - MAKE THE LADDER YOUR FRIEND.

WATCH NOW, WATCH.

- JACK, DON'T GO UP TO HIGH. - NO, NO, NO.

GERONIMO!

I TOOK THE SHORTCUT DOWN.

- JACK. - YEAH.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB PAINTING THIS BUILDING?

- ARE YOU KIDDING? YEAH. - I'LL GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS A DAY.

- FANTASTIC. - THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.

- WHAT'S THAT? - IT'S GOT TO BE PAINTED IN TWO DAYS.

THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET THIS BUILDING PAINTED IN TWO DAYS.

TWO TIMES 50 IS 100.

UNLESS I GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY.

OKAY, YOU CLIMB UP THE LADDER, AND I'LL HOIST UP THE PAINT.

- NO, WAIT A SECOND. I CAN JUST TAKE THE... - I RIGGED THIS MYSELF.

- OH YEAH? - IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH TIME YOU CAN SAVE

- IF YOU USE YOUR HEAD. - WHY DON'T I TAKE THE BUCKET?

- IT'LL BE EASIER. - JACK, JUST CLIMB UP THE LADDER.

THE LAST THING I NEED FROM YOU IS ADVICE.

MR. ROPER, I THINK IF I JUST HAD...

YOU REMIND ME A LOT OF HELEN, ALWAYS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

EXCUSE ME, MR. ROPER,

WHEN THAT DRIES, I CAN PUT ON A SECOND COAT.

(doorbell rings)

OH CHRISSY, I'M SO GLAD I CAUGHT YOU HOME.

YOU'RE LUCKY. IN A MINUTE YOU WOULD HAVE CAUGHT ME DOWNTOWN.

- COME IN. - DO YOU HAVE $36?

$36?

YEAH, CASH, THERE'S A C.O.D. PACKAGE

AND STANLEY'S GONE TO THE PAINT STORE WITH JACK.

AND I...

GEE, I DON'T THINK I HAVE QUITE THAT MUCH.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE? - $4.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE? - $4 IF YOU LEND IT TO ME.

WILL THEY TAKE AN I.O.U.?

CHRISSY, YOU CAN'T GIVE AN I.O.U. TO THE U.P.S.

FOR A C.O.D.

THEY'D CALL THE FBI.

(laughing)

I THINK JACK HAS SOME MONEY IN HIS ROOM.

I'LL GO GET IT FOR YOU.

- YOU SURE HE WON'T MIND? - HE WON'T MIND. I'M POSITIVE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(screaming)

(both scream)

COME ON, JACK YOU GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

MR. ROPER, I'LL GET TO IT RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.

I HATE TO WORK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

I'M AFRAID I'LL GET DIZZY AND FALL OFF THE LADDER AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? YOU JUST FLY DOWN.

I TRIED IT ONCE AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

- OH, HI, MR. ROPER. - HERE'S MY LUNCH NOW.

- I'LL BE DOWN AS SOON AS I'M THROUGH. - OKAY, BUT MAKE IT SNAPPY.

YOU GOT IT, MR. ROPER. JANET, JANET,

- I GOT TO TALK TO YOU. COME HERE. - LET ME PUT THESE AWAY.

- THAT CAN WAIT. SIT HERE AND LISTEN. - JACK, WHOA.

JACK, I'M LISTENING, ALL RIGHT?

- JANET, LISTEN. - OKAY.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. - WHAT?

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.

- JUST SAY IT. - I'LL JUST BRING IT OUT.

OKAY.

- CHRISSY STOLE MONEY FROM ME. - WHAT?

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. - NO, I SAW HER DO IT WITH MY OWN EYES.

WHAT DID SHE DO STICK HER HAND IN AND TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR POCKET?

- NO, OUT OF MY DRAWERS. - JACK!

COME ON, JANET, HELP ME OUT HERE.

SHE WALKED INTO MY ROOM, OPENED THE DRAWERS AND TOOK OUT MY MONEY.

JACK, LISTEN TO ME, THERE HAS GOT TO BE

SOME SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS.

- ONE THING ABOUT CHRISSY... - WHAT ABOUT ME?

Jack and Janet: NOTHING, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT...

- HOW YOU LIKE SPAGHETTI. - WHERE YOU WERE.

- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS. - YEAH.

Janet: CHRISSY, IS THIS A NEW PURSE?

- UH-HUH. DO YOU LIKE IT? - IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- WHERE DID YOU GET IT? - AT BARTON'S DEPARTMENT STORE.

CHRISSY, I THOUGHT THIS MORNING

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I DIDN'T, BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BADLY ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

- POOR CHRISSY. - SHE'S NOT THAT POOR. SHE'S GOT MY $32.

JACK, THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE CHRISSY.

MAYBE SHE'S DOING IT UNCONSCIOUSLY.

NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHRISSY.

JACK, WHAT I MEAN IS

MAYBE CHRISSY IS SICK AND CAN'T HELP TAKING THINGS.

MAYBE SHE'S A KLEPTOMANIAC.

OUR LITTLE CHRISSY A KLEPTOMA... NO.

- DO YOU THINK? - YES.

I READ ABOUT THIS. AND IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

WHEN A PERSON FEELS LONELY AND REJECTED,

THEY TAKE THINGS. BUT THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP.

OH GOD. I'D DO ANYTHING TO HELP HER.

ME TOO. THE FIRST THING WE GOT TO DO IS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.

RIGHT. MAYBE WE CAN FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PEN.

MY PEN... OH, CHRISSY, COME HERE.

WE WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU.

OH SURE. HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS SHAWL?

DO YOU THINK IT'LL GO WITH MY NEW BLACK DRESS?

- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. - JANET. WE HAVE TO GO TO THE KITCHEN

- TO PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES. - JACK, NO WAIT.

JACK, ARE YOU NUTS? I KNOW WHERE ALL THESE THINGS GO.

NEVER MIND THAT. THE SHAWL, THE SHAWL, THE SHAWL.

- THE WHAT? THE WHAT? THE WHAT? - THAT'S MRS. ROPER'S SHAWL.

- ROPER GAVE IT TO HER ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY. - OH, NO.

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - HUH? NOTHING, KLEPTY...

I MEAN CHRISSY.

I WAS JUST "SHAWLING" WHERE WE... THE GROCERIES.

- IT WASN'T IMPORTANT, CHRISSY. - IT'S NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL.

- IT'S NOTHING. JUST FORGET IT. - IT'S NOTHING.

- FORGET IT. - YOU WANT TO TRY THIS ON?

- I BET IT WOULD LOOK GREAT ON YOU. - NO.

- LOOK, CHRISSY... - (doorbell rings)

- WHO COULD THAT BE? - Mr. Roper: JACK.

- IT'S ROPER. - ON SECOND THOUGHT, I'D LOVE TO TRY THIS ON.

- BUT THE MIRROR'S IN THE BEDROOM. - I KNOW THAT, CHRISSY,

BUT SEE I WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE POTS AND PANS.

Mr. Roper: I GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

OKAY, COMING, MR. ROPER.

OH, HI, MR. ROPER.

I WANT TO LOOK AT THE MOLDING IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

- THE KITCHEN WINDOW! - I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T PAINTED OVER THE EDGE.

- IT MAKES THE WINDOWS STICK. - NO, I NEVER WOULD PAINT OVER AN EDGE.

- AFRAID TO LET ME CHECK ON YOUR WORK? - NO, IT'S NOT THAT.

- JUST A SEC. - HI, MR. ROPER.

COULD YOU MOVE OVER A LITTLE BIT, PLEASE?

OH, SURE, I'LL MOVE ALL THE WAY. (giggles)

IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT.

- BOY, IT'S HOT OUT THERE. - YEAH.

- CAN I BORROW A GINGER ALE? - SURE, HELP YOURSELF IN THE FRIDGE.

NO! WE DON'T HAVE ANY GINGER-ALE.

- SURE WE DO. - NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY GINGER ALE.

NO, NO GINGER ALE HERE!

WE'RE TOTALLY DRY, SORRY.

- ANYTHING COLD WILL BE ALL RIGHT. - WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COLD.

- SEE, YOU HAD ONE. - (Jack laughs)

SILLY ME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

- MR. ROPER. - MR. ROPER.

- I'LL HAVE A BEER INSTEAD. - THAT'S FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RETURN IT ALL.

DON'T FORGET I WANT YOU TO FINISH PAINTING THIS WEEKEND.

I AM GOING TO DO THAT. THIS WEEKEND I AM GOING TO.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN PAINT ANYTHING TODAY, JACK,

YOU'RE SO NERVOUS.

- IS ROPER GONE? - YEAH, YOU WANT ME TO GET HIM FOR YOU?

- NO, CHRISSY, DON'T DO THAT, HE'S DRINKING A BEER. - YEAH, FORGET IT.

WHEW...

- IT'S COLD. - OH, WELL, THAT'S...

OH, THE SHAWL IS COLD. THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S

SO MANY HOLES IN THERE, THE BREEZE JUST...

- Janet: JACK! - IT GOES THROUGH THE BREEZE AND COOLS IT OFF.

SOMETIMES YOU SAY DUMB THINGS, JACK.

I'M SORRY.

CHRISSY, SIT DOWN HERE ON THE COUCH FOR A SECOND, WOULD YA?

- JUST RIGHT DOWN HERE. - YEAH.

WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A TALK.

GO AHEAD, JANET.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GO AHEAD, JANET"?

- I MEAN YOU START. - WHY SHOULD I START? WHY DON'T YOU?

WELL, WE'LL LEAVE IT TO CHRISSY.

- YOU WANT ME TO START? - Jack and Janet: NO!

CHRISSY, DEAR,

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D BEEN FEELING OKAY LATELY.

SURE, WHY?

- WHY, JACK? - WHY?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING LONELY OR REJECTED?

AW, WITH TWO SUCH WONDERFUL FRIENDS LIKE YOU?

GO AHEAD, JANET, YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU. CHRISSY,

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...

A REALLY BIG PROBLEM,

IT IS SOMETIMES VERY DIFFICULT

TO TALK ABOUT THAT PROBLEM...

EVEN WITH YOUR VERY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JACK?

RIGHT, IT'S REALLY...

JANET AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT IT.

SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY GOOD TO TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE MORE OBJECTIVE.

- MM-HMM... - LIKE A PSYCHIATRIST.

- (doorbell rings) - I'LL GET IT.

OH, HOLD IT, JANET, WHAT IF IT'S MR. ROPER? HE'LL SEE THE SHAWL.

RIGHT. WHO IS IT?

Mrs. Roper: IT'S MRS. ROPER!

OH, WHEW, IT'S ONLY MRS. ROPER.

MRS. ROPER!

- Janet: HELLO. - Jack: HI.

- Mrs. Roper: HELLO. - Chrissy: HI.

SIT DOWN, CHRISSY.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU, MRS. ROPER?

ACTUALLY, I CAME TO SEE CHRISSY.

OH?

SHE'S KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW, MRS. ROPER.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU TWO?

CHRISSY, MY SHAWL.

IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL ON YOU.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS YOUR COLOR.

WELL, THANKS FOR LENDING IT TO ME.

OH, HERE'S THE MONEY I OWE YOU.

OH, THANKS, THE FOUR ARE MINE

AND THE OTHER 32 ARE JACK'S. I DID BORROW IT.

- YOU DID? - THAT MEANS SHE DIDN'T...

OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T.

- OH, CHRISSY. - OH, JANET.

OH, CHRISSY, IT'S MY TURN.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- MY TURN. OH... - OH...

IF IT'D KNOWN IT'D CAUSE SO MUCH EXCITEMENT,

I'D HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY TO STANLEY.

- THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL. - IT'S TERRIFIC.

- YEAH. - NOW WAIT, CHRISSY,

ABOUT THAT NEW PURSE OF YOURS.

- HOW DID YOU AFFORD THAT? - I CHARGED IT.

(screaming) OH, YOU CHARGED IT!

THAT'S WONDERFUL, CHRISSY!

- WONDERFUL! - HEY, HOW COME YOU WANT ME TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?

- OH. - OH, WELL... SEE... EXCUSE ME.

(stutters)

THAT'S JUST A WAY I WAS MAKING CONVERSATION.

YOU KNOW, HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? HAVE A NICE DAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?

I SAY THINGS LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.

- DON'T I, JANET? - YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE'S ALWAYS SAYING THOSE CRAZY THINGS.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHRISSY, THERE'S ANOTHER THING

I SAY ALL THE TIME IS THAT "IT'S EASIER TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE

WHEN YOU NEVER BORROW... ESPECIALLY WITHOUT ASKING."

OH, YOU MEAN YOUR LETTER?

WELL, YOU KNOW I WENT TO THE BANK TODAY

AND I MADE XEROX COPIES OF YOUR JOB LETTERS.

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN AND MAIL THEM.

- MY JOB LETTER? - YEAH.

OH, YOU DID THAT, CHRISSY?

OH, THANK YOU. HERE THEY ARE.

- CHRISSY... - I'LL JUST SIGN THEM RIGHT NOW.

- THAT WAS SO NICE. - THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU.

- HUMBLY YOURS, JACK... - THAT'S MY PEN!

- OH... - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY PEN?

- PEN! THIS IS YOUR PEN. - THAT'S MY PEN.

YES, IT IS, ISN'T IT. IT SAYS "TO JANET, HAPPY GRADUATION."

YOUR PEN! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED PROBABLY,

WHEN YOU PUT IT DOWN, MY POCKET WAS JUST... NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS PROBABLY THE LITTLE PEN FAIRY.

I KNOW THAT BECAUSE THERE WAS INK UNDER MY PILLOW. TINY FOOTPRINTS IN THE CARPET.

- MY PEN, JACK. - SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JANET,

I'VE BEEN FEELING AWFUL LONELY

AND REJECTED.

CHRISSY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? JUST ALL BY MYSELF AND...

OH BOY, WHAT A DAY.

GOSH, I MEAN, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN, WE PRACTICALLY CALLED CHRISSY A THIEF,

AND SHE ISN'T EVEN MAD AT US. YOU KNOW YOU'RE SO UNDERSTANDING.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

- Janet: WHY? - WELL...

ONE DAY WHEN I WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE,

I SAT DOWN AND THERE WAS TACK IN MY CHAIR.

I DON'T SEE THE POINT.

I DIDN'T EITHER. (laughs)

SO, TO GET EVEN AFTER SCHOOL,

I PUSHED TOMMY DALLAS IN THE MUD PILE.

OH, 'CAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO PUT THAT TACK ON YOUR CHAIR.

NO, IT WASN'T HIM.

IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

IT'S SO SIMPLE. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU SEE I DID SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T

TO SOMEONE WHO TURNED OUT TO BE WHAT HE WASN'T,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE DID SOMETHING THAT HE DIDN'T.

SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, CHRISSY.

- JACK! - NO, I'M JUST...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, CHRISSY.

HEY, THAT SCAR YOU GOT FROM THE TACK IS HARDLY NOTICEABLE.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - YEAH, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE FORGETTING TODAY I WAS PAINTING OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.

- (Jack laughs) - JACK.

AND BY THE WAY, JANET, YOU HAVE A LOVELY BIRTHMARK

- RIGHT UNDER... - (Janet screams)

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.