Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(all laughing)

- YOU REMEMBER THAT? - AND THEN... THEN,

THERE WAS THIS WOMAN WHO WAS ALWAYS BEHIND IN HER RENT.

AND ONE DAY SHE CAME DOWN TO OUR APARTMENT

WITH DOLLAR BILLS STUCK ALL OVER HER NUDE BODY

AND SHE SAID TO STANLEY... SHE SAID,

"WELL, IF YOU WANT YOUR RENT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF ME."

(all laugh)

- OH, MR. ROPER, DID HE? - YEAH, HE DID.

BUT I MADE HIM LEAVE THE ROOM

WHILE I TOOK THE LAST $3.

BOY, NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS AROUND HERE ANYMORE.

OH, NO? OH, I CAN TELL YOU STORIES

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE NOW...

OH, NO. MRS. ROPER, I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE RIGHT.

OH, JANET, I RESPECT MY TENANTS' PRIVACY.

I WOULD NEVER USE ANY NAMES.

- OH, GOOD. - DID YOU YOU KNOW

THAT 301 AND 204 ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR?

HI, GIRLS. HI, MRS. ROPER. WHAT ARE YOU LADIES UP TO?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING, JUST A LITTLE GOSSIP. (chuckles)

YOU KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH A THING AS A LITTLE GOSSIP.

BUT THAT'S NOT FOR ME. I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

OKAY. ANYWAY, 301 IS MESSING AROUND WITH 204, SEE? AND...

WAIT A SECOND, THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

I HEARD IT WAS 301 AND 106?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE GOSSIP, JACK.

THAT'S NOT GOSSIP, CHRISSY. THAT'S A TRUTH.

I GOT IT RIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH, 207.

YOU'D BELIEVE 207

AFTER WHAT HE DID WITH 306?

207 HAD A THING WITH 306?!

AND 105.

- Janet: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. - NEITHER DID 306.

I'M GONNA GO HEAT UP SOME MORE COFFEE,

- BUT IF MY NUMBER COMES UP, CALL ME, OKAY? - (Jack laughs)

- (doorbell rings) - I'LL GET IT.

- HI, JACK. - HEY, LARRY.

- Janet and Mrs. Roper: HEY, LARRY. - HI, LADIES.

JACK, BABY, HAVE I GOT SOME SHOCKING NEWS FOR YOU!

- WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT 306. - (women laugh)

- NO, NO, THIS NEWS IS ABOUT ME. - WHAT IS IT?

OKAY... BRACE YOURSELF.

GO AHEAD.

I AM TAKING A BRIDE.

- WHERE? - (chuckles)

TO THE ALTAR. I'M GETTING MARRIED!

- YOU'RE GETTING WHAT?! - THAT'S RIGHT... MARRIED.

THE FREE WORLD IS LOSING ITS GREATEST LOVER.

- LARRY, CONGRATULATIONS. - (Larry laughs)

LARRY, GOSH, THAT'S OH... THAT'S FANTASTIC.

- CONGRATULATIONS, LARRY. - THANK YOU, MRS. ROPER.

I WANNA HEAR THIS. NOW, WHO IS THIS LUCKY GIRL?

HER NAME IS GLORIA. WE'RE GETTING MARRIED AS SOON AS WE GET THE LICENSE.

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF FAST, ISN'T, LARRY?

I MEAN, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN THIS GIRL?

OFF AND ON? ABOUT A WEEK.

OH, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE NOT RUSHING INTO ANYTHING.

NO, NO, NO. BELIEVE ME, JACK, I KNOW IT'S RIGHT.

GLORIA IS SOMETHING SPECIAL. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL,

- SHE'S INTELLIGENT... - HI, LARRY.

(chuckles) HI, CHRISSY. BESIDES,

GLORIA IS THE FIRST GIRL WHO EVER SAID "NO" TO ME.

HEY, CHRISSY, DID YOU HEAR THE BIG NEWS?

- LARRY IS GETTING MARRIED. - UH-HUH.

- TO A GIRL WHO SAID "NO?" - THAT'S RIGHT. IF SHE HAD SAID "YES"

- I NEVER WOULD HAVE ASKED HER. - OH.

ISN'T IT EXCITING? JUST IMAGINE...

OUR OWN LARRY GETTING MARRIED!

YEAH. HEY, JACK, YOU LUCKY DOG.

I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN.

OH, LARRY, I'M FLATTERED.

DOES THAT MEAN I CAN COME ALONG ON THE HONEYMOON?

(chuckles) SURE, YOU CAN WAIT IN THE CAR.

OKAY, LARRY, WHEN DO WE GET TO MEET GLORIA?

- HOW ABOUT TONIGHT? SHE'S COMING OVER. - OH, THAT'S GREAT!

- WHERE ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? - AT CITY HALL.

- YEAH? - CITY HALL?!

OH, NO, LARRY,

A WEDDING IS SOMETHING YOU REMEMBER ALL YOUR LIFE.

YOU OUGHT TO... YOU OUGHT TO HOLD IT SOMEPLACE SPECIAL.

HMM, LIKE WHERE?

WELL, LIKE... LIKE MY APARTMENT.

- WE COULD HAVE A TERRIFIC WEDDING IN MY APARTMENT. - Janet and Chrissy: OH.

- Jack: THAT'S PERFECT. - Larry: WHOA, WAIT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. YOU SURE THAT IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT WITH MR. ROPER?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

STANLEY LOVES WEDDINGS!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HATE WEDDINGS!

BUT STANLEY, THEY'RE A YOUNG COUPLE.

I MEAN, A NICE WEDDING WOULD GIVE THEM A GOOD START.

NOWADAYS, MOST YOUNG COUPLES START LONG BEFORE THE WEDDING.

OH, STANLEY, BE A SPORT.

YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE WEDDINGS.

I ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A GOOD CRY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE IT HERE. I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME CRY.

YOU?! YOU DIDN'T CRY AT OUR WEDDING.

I DIDN'T PAY FOR OUR WEDDING.

OH, SO THAT'S IT? THE MONEY.

- I MIGHT'VE GUESSED. - HELEN, LOOK, WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE.

YOU KNOW, BY THE TIME YOU GET THE FLOWERS AND THE FOOD

AND THE LIQUOR... I MEAN, YOU WIND UP SPENDING $2, $3 A PERSON.

STANLEY, I GAVE MY WORD

AND WE ARE THROWING THIS WEDDING.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I'VE BEEN TOO GENEROUS WITH YOU.

- WHAT?! - YOU'RE PAMPERED,

YOU'RE SPOILED ROTTEN. I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING A WOMAN NEEDS.

- HOW ABOUT A NEW STOVE? - YOU DON'T NEED IT.

WELL, I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BREAK UP THE SET.

SET? WHAT SET?

AN OLD STOVE, AN OLD HUSBAND.

AND THEY BOTH TAKE TOO LONG TO HEAT UP.

AND THERE WE WERE IN THIS LITTLE RESTAURANT...

YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF GAZING OUT AT THE MOON

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

POOPSY WHOOPSY POPS THE QUESTION.

- POOPSY WHOOPSY? - (Larry chuckles)

- JUST A LITTLE SILLY NAME SHE CALLS ME. - (Janet chuckles)

WHERE DID YOU EVER COME UP WITH THAT, CUDDLE-CAKES?

HERE WE GO... CHAMPAGNE FOR EVERYBODY.

- Larry: OH, WOW. - Gloria: YEAH, SO NICE.

- Chrissy: CHAMPAGNE?! - Janet: WHAT A SURPRISE.

- IT'S TIME TO TOAST THE BRIDE AND GROOM. - Chrissy and Janet: OKAY.

TO GLORIA AND LARRY... HAPPY DAYS.

- GOOD TIMES. - LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.

IT'S OKAY, CHRISSY. YOU CAN DRINK NOW.

EVERYBODY RELAX, I'LL GO SEE ABOUT THE FOOD.

- WHY DON'T I GIVE JACK A HAND? - Janet: OKAY.

(smooching)

- (thumps) - (gasps)

- HI. - HI.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?

SURE, I DO. YOU'RE THE GIRL FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

- COME ON! WE DID? - YOU USED TO SIT

IN FRONT OF A VERY HEAVY-SET, BROWN-HAIRED GIRL,

WITH HORN-RIMMED GLASSES.

OH, SURE... FATTY FOUR-EYES.

LET'S SEE, HER NAME WAS...

- GLORIA?! - YEAH.

THE STILLMAN DIET, CONTACT LENSES

AND COLOR ME BLONDE.

- OH, COLOR ME RED... OH, WOW! - YOU KNOW,

I USED TO HAVE THE WILDEST CRUSH ON YOU.

DID YOU, FATTY? I MEAN, GLORIA.

I'M SORRY.

I HAD DREAMS OF YOU AND ME

MAKING MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE.

(both laugh)

WELL, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

- IT WAS LAST NIGHT. - (thumps)

LAST NIGHT? UH...

WELL, LOOK... GLORIA, UH...

I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD BE IN HERE ALONE...

YOU KNOW I MEAN? LARRY... HE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

I ALWAYS SAY, "WHY TO GO TO STRANGERS?"

NOW DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE ENGAGED TO LARRY.

I'M GETTING MARRIED, NOT BURIED.

AND LARRY WILL BE OUT BOWLING EVERY WEDNESDAY.

- NO, GLORIA, LARRY DOESN'T BOWL. - WE'LL TEACH HIM.

- GLORIA! GLORIA, PLEASE! - JACK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEG,

- JUST ASK! - (screams)

- CAN I HELP YOU GUYS? - OH?

- YOU'RE A BEAST! - A RAT.

- A SNAKE. - A SKUNK.

A GIRAFFE.

A GIRAFFE?!

I RAN OUT OF ANIMALS.

JACK, THAT WAS SUCH A LOUSY THING THAT YOU DID TO LARRY.

- HE DIDN'T DO IT TO LARRY! - CHRISSY!

IF YOU GIRLS WILL SHUT UP FOR A SECOND, I CAN EXPLAIN.

I DID NOT MAKE A PASS AT GLORIA. SHE WAS ATTACKING ME.

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. THAT'S WHY CHRISSY CAME IN THE KITCHEN

AND FOUND YOU WITH GLORIA PINNED TO THE TABLE.

- COME HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU. - SHOW ME WHAT? JACK!

LOOK, JANET, SHE BACKED ME UP AGAINST THE HOT STOVE.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE BURN MARKS.

NO!

JACK, THAT WAS REALLY A VERY ROTTEN THING TO DO!

HONEST, JANET...

WITH YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND SITTING IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM!

- CHRISSY, I... - THAT'S RIGHT. HOW COULD YOU?

- HOW DID YOU... - JANET, IF YOU... (screams)

THAT'S HOW! NOW YOU BELIEVE ME, CHRISSY?

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED! - CHRISSY, I BELIEVE HIM.

- I BELIEVE HIM. - OKAY, I GUESS I BELIEVE HIM TOO.

- JANET, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY. - OH, THAT'S... JACK!

- JACK! - OH, BOY,

THIS IS SUCH A MESS! OH, GOD.

- WE HAVE TO GET LARRY OUT OF THIS WEDDING! - (doorbell rings)

JUST HANG ON A MINUTE, CHRISSY.

BEFORE WE CALL UP ANYBODY'S WEDDING,

- WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW SERIOUS THIS IS. - THIS IS SERIOUS.

IF SHE'S ATTRACTED TO YOU, SHE COULD BE ATTRACTED TO ANYBODY!

- (doorbell rings) - JACK, JACK, PLEASE.

- LISTEN, LARRY'S GOTTA BE TOLD. - I KNOW.

LET ME JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO TELL... IT'S LARRY.

- HI, LARRY. - HI, JACK.

- Jack: HI. - I JUST WALKED GLORIA HOME.

OH, GOSH, THAT'S NICE. AHEM... LISTEN, LARRY,

UM... JACK HAS SOMETHING

THAT HE WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT,

SO I... I THOUGHT CHRISSY AND I WOULD WAIT IN THE BEDROOM

AND YOU COULD JUST... BE HERE ALONE. COME ON, CHRISSY.

OH, BOY. LARRY, YOU KNOW, LIVING WITH TWO GIRLS

- IS VERY INTENSE... - LOOK, LOOK... JACK, JACK,

BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO YOU TOO.

- WELL, IS IT ABOUT... IS IT ABOUT GLORIA? - UH-HUH.

SHE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED IN THE KITCHEN.

- SHE DID? - UH-HUH.

- EVERYTHING? - EVERYTHING.

(whistles) SO...

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW? - FORGIVE YOU.

I THINK THAT'S THE BEST THING... FORGIVE ME?

LOOK, LOOK, WE'RE ALL HUMAN. I UNDERSTAND,

WITH A GIRL LIKE GLORIA, EVEN A BEST FRIEND LIKE YOU

COULDN'T HELP MAKING A PASS AT HER.

- WHAT?! - JUST ONE THING,

DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN, HMM?

(snickers)

COME ON, JACK JUST FACE IT.

YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL LARRY THE TRUTH.

I CAN'T TELL HIM. GLORIA'S THE GIRL

HE'S GONNA SHARE HIS LIFE WITH.

WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS HE'S GONNA SHARE HIS WIFE WITH?

CHRISSY, I CAN'T DO IT. HE'LL KILL ME.

ALL RIGHT, JACK. ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK. THINK ABOUT THIS

FOR A MOMENT, OKAY?

ARE YOU GONNA STAND BY AND LET YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND THROW HIS ENTIRE LIFE AWAY?

- WHAT'S MY OTHER CHOICE? - JACK!

- I'M JUST KIDDING. I'M KIDDING... SORT OF. - GOSH.

BOY, AM I GLAD THAT WE CALLED LARRY

INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR JACK TO CALL HIM.

- YOU DID WHAT? - THAT'S RIGHT, JACK.

WE CALLED LARRY BEFORE YOU GOT HOME. HE OUGHT TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OH NO, I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- (doorbell rings) - JACK, COME ON.

THE WEDDING IS TOMORROW.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

(groans) I'M HIS BEST MAN.

I'M HIS BEST FRIEND. I'VE GOT TO TELL HIM.

(doorbell rings)

JACK, ANSWER THE DOOR.

- ANSWER THE DOOR. - I HAVE TO DO ALL THE DIRTY WORK AROUND HERE.

- HI, LAR. HI. - HI, GANG.

- HI, LARRY. - WHAT IS IT YOU WANTED TO SEE ME ABOUT, JACK?

OH, WE... CHRISSY, JANET AND I, WE JUST HAVE A...

CHRISSY, LET'S YOU AND I GET SOMETHING AND BRING IT BACK FOR DINNER.

- OH GOOD, I'LL GO WITH YOU. - JACK, NEVER MIND.

CHRISSY AND I CAN HANDLE IT. WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO GET.

- THEY KNOW WHAT TO GET. - HERE YOU ARE, GOOD BUDDY.

A LITTLE GIFT FOR THE BEST MAN. IT'S A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

- OH, GEE, THANKS, LARRY. - I KNOW YOU DON'T DRINK WHISKEY,

BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

BESIDES, IT WAS ON SALE.

I GOTTA START WATCHING MY PENNIES NOW, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

SPEAKING OF MONEY, JACK, I COULD USE A LITTLE ADVICE.

YOU SEE, GLORIA HAS THIS CRAZY IDEA

THAT I OWN THE USED CAR LOT THAT I WORK AT.

WHAT? WHAT A MINUTE,

WHERE'D SHE EVER GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

I THINK IT WAS WHEN I TOLD HER.

- OH... - NO WAY. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I CAN LAY THE TRUTH ON HER ANYTIME.

SHE LOVES ME, RIGHT? HUH?

- LARRY, ABOUT GLORIA... - YEAH, PAL.

I NEED A DRINK FIRST.

- WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK? - NO, NO, THANKS.

I DON'T TOUCH THAT CHEAP STUFF.

(high-pitched) HI...

LARRY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO?

I MEAN YOU USED TO BE THE KIND OF GUY

TO TAKE OUT A DIFFERENT LADY EVERY NIGHT.

YEAH, I ONCE HAD A DREAM OF WORKING MY WAY

THROUGH THE ENTIRE PHONE BOOK.

IT WAS MY WAY OF GIVING PLEASURE ALPHABETICALLY.

(both laugh)

YOU SEE, THAT'S THE POINT. I MEAN,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH ONE WOMAN, GLORIA,

- FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. - AT LEAST I GOT AS FAR AS THE Gs.

GO FOR "H," LARRY, GO FOR "H."

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, OLD BUDDY?

IT'S JUST THAT...

IT'S JUST THAT... EXCUSE ME.

WA-AW...

LARRY, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES GETTING MARRIED IS A LOT LIKE BUYING A CAR.

YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ORIGINAL OWNER,

WHEN ACTUALLY IT'S BEEN PARKED IN A LOT OF OTHER GARAGES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PAL?

- NO. - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. EXCUSE ME.

LOOK, JACK, JACK, FOR TWO HOURS NOW, I'VE BEEN WAITING

FOR YOU TO SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.

CAN WE HURRY IT UP A LITTLE BIT?

- WHAT ABOUT GLORIA? - OKAY.

I JUST HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, UH...

- LARRY. - LARRY, I'M SORRY. LARRY, LARRY.

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, LARRY, BUT...

THIS IS THE TRUTH.

FIRST, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN

TAKING MY HORS D'OEUVRES OUT OF THE STOVE.

AND IN COMES GLORIA.

(high-pitched) "YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?"

"FATTY FOUR-EYES WITH CONTACT LENSES."

(high-pitched) "THE STILLMAN DIET, AND COLOR ME BLONDE,

AND MAD, PASSIONATE DREAM."

"NO, FATTY FOUR-EYES, THEY'RE IN THE OTHER ROOM."

(high-pitched) "I'M GETTING MARRIED NOT BURIED."

"NO..."

(high-pitched) "YES."

- "NO!" - (high-pitched) "YES!"

LOOK OUT FOR THE HOT STOVE! OW...

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT HAPPENED, LARRY, LARRY...

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?

- NOT A WORD. - LARRY.

LARRY, OH, LARRY.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE'S GONNA SEND YOU BOWLING.

- I DON'T BOWL! - I'M SUPPOSE TO TEACH YOU.

♪ HERE COMES THE BRIDE ♪

♪ DUM-DUM-DA-DUM ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA... ♪

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

OW, OW, OW...

- OH... - HEY, JANET, STOP BLINKING YOUR EYES.

THE NOISE IS DEAFENING.

THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT, JACK TRIPPER, FOR DRINKING ALL THAT WHISKEY LAST NIGHT.

- AND YOU STILL DIDN'T TELL LARRY. - I TRIED.

JACK, DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE SO DRUNK THAT CHRISSY AND I

HAD TO UNDRESS YOU AND PUT YOU TO BED?

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT A PUSHOVER I AM AFTER A FEW DRINKS.

YOU KNOW, STANLEY,

THAT'S A VERY HUNGRY MINISTER YOU'VE GOT THERE.

- WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM? - IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

- WHAT? - HE'S FROM SOME CHURCH OVER ON PICO.

WHAT DENOMINATION?

WHAT DO I CARE? HE WAS CHEAP.

IT'S YOUR CHURCH, ALL RIGHT.

YOUR TROUBLE IS YOU THINK MONEY IS SOMETHING TO SPEND.

HEY, WHERE'S LARRY?

HE'S UPSTAIRS WAITING TO WALK THE LAST MILE.

OH, GLORIA, YOU MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.

- THANK YOU. - IT'S A SHAME YOU DON'T TAKE IT UP PROFESSIONALLY.

DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS A GORGEOUS WEDDING DRESS?

OH YEAH, I BET IT WAS EXPENSIVE.

OH YEAH, BUT LARRY CAN AFFORD IT.

I MEAN AFTER ALL, HE DOES OWN A USED CAR LOT.

MRS. ROPER, THE MINISTER IS READY TO BEGIN THE CEREMONY.

OH JACK, ISN'T IT THRILLING?

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO JUST RUN OUT AND GET MARRIED?

DON'T RUSH HIM, HELEN.

HE'S STILL WAITING FOR MR. RIGHT TO COME ALONG.

STANLEY, I GUESS YOU CAN PUT ON

"THE WEDDING MARCH" RECORD NOW.

NO, I CAN'T. I DIDN'T BUY ONE.

STANLEY, WHY NOT?

WHY SPEND $2 FOR SOMETHING YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO USE ONCE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT WHEN YOU BOUGHT OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE.

EXCUSE ME, LOOK, DO WE HAVE TO HAVE MUSIC?

I MEAN, COULDN'T WE JUST HUM SOFTLY?

DON'T WORRY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE MUSIC.

I'M GONNA PLAY THIS.

NO, NO, STANLEY!

A BUGLE ISN'T APPROPRIATE FOR A WEDDING.

WHY NOT? IT STARTED ALL THE OTHER WARS.

- (knocking) - I'LL GET IT.

ANYTHING TO STOP THE NOISE.

- HI, JACK... - HOLD UP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I GOTTA TALK TO GLORIA. - YOU KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK

FOR THE GROOM TO SEE THE BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING?

- BUT THERE'S SOMETHING... - YOU STAY OUT THERE. STAY OUT THERE.

OKAY, GLORIA'S WAITING IN THE HALL.

OH, OH, EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR PLACE. TAKE YOUR PLACE.

TAKE YOUR PLACE, STANLEY, JACK.

OKAY, REMEMBER, WHEN I KNOCK THREE TIMES, YOU COME OUT, OKAY?

- OH BOY, MORE KNOCKING. - (door shuts)

HEY, LARRY, GET READY.

YOU CAN START THE MUSIC NOW.

(playing "The Wedding March")

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

GLORIA, GLORIA, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- SHE'S NOT HERE. - I'LL CHECK THE BATHROOM.

- SHE'S NOT IN THE BATHROOM. - UH-OH, UH-OH.

- WHAT? - THE WINDOW IS OPEN.

- OH... - SHE MUST HAVE CLIMBED OUT AND TAKEN OFF.

- Chrissy and Janet: NO... - WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

I THINK THEY'RE COMING NOW, STANLEY. PLAY.

PLAY, PLAY, PLAY.

(playing "The Wedding March")

GLORIA'S RUN OUT. SHE'S WALKED OUT ON LARRY. SHE'S GONE.

DOES THAT MEAN THE WEDDING IS OFF?

NOBODY TOUCH THE CAKE.

I THINK I CAN RETURN IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY?

WHY WOULD SHE JUST LEAVE LIKE THIS?

BEATS ME. SHE SEEMED TO TAKE THE NEWS VERY WELL.

WHAT NEWS?

I TOLD HER THAT LARRY DIDN'T REALLY OWN THE USED CAR LOT LIKE HE SAID,

- THAT HE JUST WORKED THERE. - NOW, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF TELLING HER THAT?

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT SMART LIKE ME.

(laughs)

POOR LARRY, HE'S BEEN JILTED.

WELL, I GUESS, I GOTTA BE THE ONE TO TELL HIM.

IT'S GONNA KILL HIM.

LARRY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS.

- OR WHERE TO TELL YOU. - WHAT? YOU MEAN HE'S GONE TOO?

- (grunts) - WHAT?

"DEAR JACK, THANKS FOR LAST NIGHT.

THE MESSAGE GOT THROUGH.

ONE GIRL ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

P.S. MONDAY I'M STARTING ON THE Hs,

LOVE LARRY."

NICE WEDDING PARTY YOU THREW, HELEN.

YOU HAD TO GO FOR THE EXPENSIVE MINTS.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW.

LOOK AT ALL THE FOOD, THE CAKE, THE MINISTER,

IT'S ALL MONEY OUT THE WINDOW.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO GO TO WASTE, STANLEY.

WHAT?

YOU AND I COULD GET MARRIED ALL OVER AGAIN.

ARE YOU KIDDING? ONCE IS ENOUGH.

COME ON, MR. ROPER, IT'LL BE FUN.

- YEAH, COME ON, MR. ROPER, GO FOR IT. - YEAH, MR. ROPER.

YEAH, GO AHEAD AND MARRY THE GIRL.

I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT ANYWAY.

OH WELL, OKAY.

- I'M JUST DOING THIS FOR YOU, HELEN. - (Helen laughs)

- MRS. ROPER, HERE. - OH, OH, GOOD.

- AND CHRISSY AND I WILL BE YOUR BRIDESMAIDS. - OH...

YOU COULD BE THE FLOWER GIRL.

"DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO CELEBRATE..."

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. IF WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED AGAIN,

LET'S DO THIS RIGHT.

(playing taps)

BOY, MRS. ROPER, THAT WAS A WONDERFUL WEDDING.

- IT SURE WAS. - IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU KIDS MADE IT LEGAL.

(laughing)

WE ALL HAD OUR FUN. THE WEDDING'S OVER.

OH, NO IT ISN'T, STANLEY.

THERE'S STILL THE WEDDING NIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA DO EXACTLY WHAT WE DID THE LAST TIME.

GOOD IDEA, HELEN.

REALLY, STANLEY?

YEAH, YOU GO CHANGE. AND I'LL GET THE CARDS.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.