Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER INVENTED IT, YOU KNOW?

- NO, I'M NOT KIDDING. - Janet: WOULD YOU GET SERIOUS?

- Jack: THEY'RE REAL GOOD FOR YOU. - (Chrissy sighs)

CHRISSY?

(sighs)

JANET, YOU WANT TO MOVE TO ANOTHER TABLE? IT'S KINDA DRAFTY HERE.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- WHY? - YOU LOOK SO DEPRESSED.

- I AM. - HEY, I KNOW HOW TO CHEER YOU UP.

- CHRISSY, THERE WAS THIS MONKEY... - JACK,

I DON'T WANT TO BE CHEERED UP.

- IT WILL ONLY DEPRESS ME. - OH...

CHRISSY, THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU... BEING DEPRESSED.

THAT'S WHAT'S DEPRESSING ME.

OH...

- DON'T YOU TWO UNDERSTAND? - HUH-UH.

YOU BOTH HAVE GOOD MOODS, BAD MOODS,

IN-BETWEEN MOODS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

I HAVE TO GO THROUGH LIFE ALL THE TIME ALWAYS BEING HAPPY,

- ALWAYS BEING CHEERFUL... - HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY RIGHT NOW.

- THAT DOESN'T COUNT. - WHY?

BEING UNHAPPY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT UNHAPPY

IS JUST AS BAD AS BEING HAPPY.

OH...

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, IS THERE ANYTHING THAT WE COULD DO TO HELP?

YOU COULD TELL ME SOMETHING REALLY GLOOMY AND DEPRESSING.

ONLY IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

OH, IT WILL.

ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY, THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT...

NO, JACK, PLEASE.

SEE, CHRISSY, IF HE TELLS YOU SOMETHING GLOOMY,

- THEN I'LL GET DEPRESSED. - NOW WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW CAN I MAKE YOU SAD AND MAKE YOU HAPPY AT THE SAME...

I DON'T KNOW.

I GOT IT, I GOT IT. OKAY, CHRISSY,

YOU CAN LISTEN, BUT DON'T LOOK.

AND JANET, COME ON, COME ON.

YOU LOOK, BUT DON'T LISTEN.

- CAN YOU HEAR ME, CHRISSY? - YUP.

CHRISSY, THERE'S THIS TRAGIC STORY

- ABOUT THESE POOR FROZEN ESKIMOS. - NO.

(Janet laughs)

AND THEY WENT FISHING IN THEIR KAYAKS

AND A HUGE BLIZZARD CAME UP

(laughs)

- AND THEY WERE NEVER HEARD FROM SINCE. - (laughs)

NOW, HAVE YOU ALSO HEARD ABOUT THE TERRIBLE MONSOONS IN ASIA?

- NO. - THEY CAUSE SUCH FLOODING THAT INNER MONGOLIA

IS NOW OUTER MONGOLIA.

AND THE SUPPLY SHIP SANK.

(barking) I'M A WALRUS.

I WAS DRINKING A REAL TALL COKE.

YOU REALLY ARE A VERY STRANGE PERSON, JACK.

- CAN I LOOK NOW? - YES, CHRISSY, YES.

- HI, KIDS. - HI, MRS. ROPER.

HI, I WAS JUST... I WAS JUST... HI.

NO, IT'S OKAY, JACK, IT WAS REALLY VERY FUNNY.

Jack: THANK YOU.

HERE'S AN EMPTY BOOTH, STANLEY. LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK.

I COULD USE ONE.

FIRST, I GET THAT LETTER FROM INTERNAL REVENUE

THIS MORNING, AND THAT... THAT JACK.

- COUPLE OF BEERS, JIM. - OH, WAIT, WAIT.

STANLEY, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SPLURGE ON SOMETHING

A LITTLE SPECIAL TONIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. MAKE MINE A SCOTCH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ME?

YEAH, BUT I CAME HERE TO FORGET MY TROUBLES.

I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND. TELL HIM WHAT YOU'D LIKE.

I'D LIKE A NEW HUSBAND,

BUT FOR NOW I'LL TAKE A GIN ON THE ROCKS.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S NOT FAIR, HELEN.

I MEAN WHY IS THE GOVERNMENT AUDITING MY TAXES?

WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME TONIGHT.

WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO?

I COULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR MIND OFF YOUR PROBLEMS.

HOW?

(muttering)

WHEN I READ THAT LETTER FROM THE GOVERNMENT

I WAS SO MAD THAT I WAS SHAKING.

WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A START.

(chanting)

PEACE AND JOY BE WITH YOU.

WHY THANK YOU. EXCUSE ME.

SO, ANYWAY CHRISSY, WHAT...

SORRY, I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE. EXCUSE ME.

- (chanting) - HANG ON, HANG ON.

I JUST FELT A QUARTER POP UP.

OH, LOOK, HERE WE GO.

HERE'S SOME CHANGE. THERE'S ONE FOR YOU

AND FOR YOUR TAMBOURINE HAVE A BALL, OKAY?

MAY THE ESSENCE OF LOVE

PERMEATE YOUR HEART.

OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

- NOW CHRISSY... - (chanting)

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, WE'RE NOT DISTURBING YOU ARE WE?

- NOT AT ALL. - OH.

WE ARE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

GET A LOAD OF THAT, HELEN.

SEE WHAT THE WORLD IS COMING TO.

AND YOU'RE OUR BROTHER, TOO.

- AHA. - THAT'S ALL I NEED IS ANOTHER RELATIVE.

WE ARE DISCIPLES OF SWAMI RAMA MAGEESH.

- OH... - OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

YOU SEE MY RELIGION DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO CARRY MONEY.

I SEE.

WOULD YOU HELP US TO HELP OTHERS

WITH A SMALL DONATION?

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, BUT I FORGOT TO BRING MY MONEY WITH ME.

NO, YOU DIDN'T, JANET. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- YOU GAVE IT TO ME. WE HAVE $4 AND... - Janet: CHRISSY.

- 53¢. - CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- THAT'S ALL THE MONEY THAT WE HAVE. - IT IS?

- YES. - YOUR SELFLESSNESS WILL BE ITS OWN REWARD.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

ALL THESE PEOPLE WANT ARE OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY.

THEY'RE LIKE UH... LIKE... LANDLORDS?

SISTERS.

- Both disciples: PEACE AND LOVE, SWAMI. - PEACE AND LOVE, SISTERS.

- GOOD HEAVENS. - EXCUSE ME,

- I AM RAMA MAGEESH. - CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, WAIT, NO, HEY, YEAH. WAIT, EXCUSE ME,

THIS YOUNG LADY HERE SHE JUST GAVE ALL...

SHE DONATED ALL OF OUR MONEY TO YOUR CAUSE THERE

AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO PAY OUR BILL WITH.

YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, WE KNOW THAT

"SELFLESSNESS IS ITS OWN REWARD."

PLEASE, TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK.

SISTERS, THERE ARE OTHER SOULS TO BE ENLIGHTENED.

PEACE AND JOY BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

THAT WAS A VERY NICE THING TO DO, MR. RAMA.

OH MY CHILD, WHEN SELF-SACRIFICE CEASES TO INVOLVE THE SELF,

IT IS NO LONGER HOLY.

OH, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE THE SHIRT OFF OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S BACK.

YES, ESPECIALLY TO THOSE WHO DON'T EVEN WEAR A SHIRT.

(Jack, Janet and Rama laugh)

A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR IS NECESSARY FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

- SO KEEP TRYING. - OKAY.

JACK, IT IS NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF THE WAY A PERSON IS DRESSED.

- THANK YOU, MY CHILD. - MAYBE HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

(Jack, Janet and Rama laugh)

- CHRISSY, CHRISSY... - NO, NO, NO, DON'T STOP HER.

SHE SPEAKS HER MIND. SHE'S HONEST AND PURE OF HEART.

A CHILD OF NATURE.

AND NATURE IS THE PATH TO WISDOM.

AND WISDOM IS THE SOURCE OF TRUE HAPPINESS.

YOU MEAN I'M HAPPY, BECAUSE I'M WISE?

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT?

- HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN? - OH NO...

- WAIT, WE'RE SORT OF... - THANK YOU, MY CHILD, YES.

SO, MR. RAMA...

- HI, JANET. - HI, JACK.

- IS CHRISSY HOME? - NO, NO, SHE WENT TO SEE THAT GURU

THAT WE MET THE OTHER NIGHT.

YOU MEAN THAT GUY WHO KEPT SAYING "PEACE AND LOVE, PEACE AND LOVE"?

- THAT'S THE ONE. - BOY, THAT CHANT GOT ON MY NERVES.

WELL, JACK, IF YOU'RE GONNA MEET A GURU,

THAT'S THE CHANCE YOU GOTTA TAKE.

- (both chuckle) - NOT BAD.

WHAT'S CHRISSY DOING WITH THIS GURU?

OH, I WISH YOU HADN'T ASKED. SHE WENT TO PAY HIM BACK.

- FOR WHAT? - THE DRINKS.

- JANET, THAT WAS OUR MONEY! - I KNOW, I KNOW,

BUT CHRISSY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THE HONEST THING TO DO.

WHAT? TO GIVE AN OBVIOUS CON ARTIST OUR MONEY?

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? - JANET, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS READ THE PAPERS.

THESE GROUPS ARE ALL OVER TOWN TRYING TO TURN A FAST BUCK.

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THEM ON THE BEACH SHAKING THEIR CANS?

- WHAT? - WELL, THEY DON'T ALL USE TAMBOURINES.

OH...

- HI. - HEY, CHRISSY.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. DID THAT INDIAN-GIVER REALLY TAKE HIS MONEY BACK?

JACK, THAT'S UNCALLED FOR.

WHAT A TERRIBLE WAY TO TALK ABOUT RAMA MAGEESH.

- I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT... - YOU SHOULD NEVER JOKE

ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND THEM.

AND EVEN THEN YOU SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT THEM,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTAND?

- NICE GOING. - WHAT DID I DO?

OH JACK, COME ON, YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE CHRISSY IS.

LISTEN, JANET, I HAVE A RIGHT TO SPEAK MY MIND,

- DON'T I? - YES, YOU DO, BUT WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO SPEAK YOUR OWN MIND, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY. - HA HA HA HA, LAUGH. HA HA HA, JOKE.

- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. - YEAH.

WE'VE BOTH SEEN CHRISSY LIKE THIS BEFORE,

- HAVEN'T WE? A LITTLE STRANGE. - A LITTLE?

- THEN SHE GETS OVER IT, DOESN'T SHE? - YEAH, SURE.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

JOKE OVER.

OKAY, CHRISSY, YOU'VE HAD YOUR LITTLE JOKE.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THOSE SHEETS BACK ON THE BED?

- JACK! - I THINK YOU SHOULD READ THIS.

- WHAT IS IT? - "PEARLS OF THE PROFOUND."

IT IS THE BRILLIANT THOUGHTS OF THE RAMA MAGEESH.

OH I SEE, IT'S ONE OF THOSE BOOKS FULL OF BLANK PAGES, HUH?

IT WILL OPEN YOUR MIND.

YOU THINK I HAVE A CLOSED MIND, MOI?

YES.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A MAN WHO GROPES IN THE DARKNESS?

HE GETS KICKED OUT BY THE USHER?

OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I WISH I HAD TIME TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND,

BUT I DON'T. I HAVE TO GO OUT.

- WAIT. - YOU GONNA BE GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT?

I MEAN, SUPPOSE SOMEBODY SEES YOU.

THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.

SEE, I'LL BE GOING DOOR TO DOOR SPREADING THE RAMA'S WORD...

PEACE AND LOVE, JOY AND HAPPINESS, SOMETHING ELSE...

TRICK-OR-TREAT?

IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE RAMA IS BUILDING

- A BRAND NEW COMMUNE UP AT BIG SUR. - AT BIG SUR?

- YEAH. - HE'S GONNA BE BUILDING A COMMUNE UP THERE?

THAT'S OVER 300 MILES AWAY.

SO, HE'LL BE SPENDING A LOT OF HIS TIME UP NORTH THEN?

- THAT'S NICE. - YEAH. BUT DON'T WORRY...

I'LL GIVE YOU PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND A NEW ROOMMATE.

- A NEW ROOMMATE? - OH, WELL, YEAH.

MY PLACE IS GOING TO BE WITH THE RAMA AT BIG SUR.

- Janet: CHRISSY... - PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

- CHRISSY... - WHAT?

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? JANET, YOU WEREN'T MUCH HELP EITHER.

- YOU'RE JUST STANDING THERE. - JACK, I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.

I THINK THAT IF I WERE CHRISSY,

I WOULD WANT MY FRIENDS TO UNDERSTAND.

YOU MEAN YOU WOULD LET HER GO UP TO BIG SUR?

- I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. - AHA!

I'LL REALLY MISS HER. BUT WE SHOULD NOT INTERFERE.

AHA! AHA!

HOLD IT, STRIKE THAT LAST AHA.

I CANNOT STAND BY AND WATCH HER RUN OFF WITH SOME CRACKPOT.

- WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN? - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OKAY, ARE YOU ANGRY BECAUSE HE MADE YOU LOOK FOOLISH THE OTHER NIGHT?

HEY, JANET, I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE GURU TO MAKE ME LOOK FOOLISH.

HELEN, I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

IT'S GONNA BE A TIGHT SQUEEZE, BUT WE CAN MAKE IT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT OUT A FEW UNNECESSARY THINGS LIKE...

ENTERTAINMENT, YOUR ALLOWANCE.

YOU HEAR ME, HELEN?

- WHAT? - I SAID WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

OH, STANLEY! YOU MEAN IT?

OF COURSE I MEAN IT, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP.

- I'LL HELP, I'LL HELP! - (doorbell rings)

- I'LL GET IT. - NO, LET IT RING. LET IT RING.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

CHRISSY, IF YOU REALLY MEAN THAT, COME BACK LATER.

NO, I GOT IT. COME ON IN. WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

MR. ROPER, WOULD LIKE TO SEE POVERTY ELIMINATED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH?

I THINK SO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE SICK CURED AND THE HUNGRY FED?

I THINK SO.

THEN I KNOW YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A SMALL DONATION.

I DON'T THINK SO.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RAMA MAGEESH OPENED MY EYES.

WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER YOU PICKED OUT THIS OUTFIT?

MR. ROPER, YOUR DONATIONS ARE DEDUCTIBLE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, FOR ME, BUT IT'S INCOME FOR THE CHURCH.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THE TAXES.

OH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

CHURCHES DON'T HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

THEY DON'T?

I WISH I COULD TURN THIS BUILDING INTO A CHURCH.

THE GOVERNMENT WOULD NEVER BELIEVE IT.

HAVE THEM CHECK WITH ME. I'LL SWEAR YOU LIVE THE LIFE OF A MONK.

A SMALL DONATION?

WILL YOU JUST STOP SITTING THERE STUFFING YOUR FACE?

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WE'RE ABOUT TO LOSE CHRISSY.

I KNOW THAT, JACK.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT IT? - NOTHING.

- IT'S HER BUSINESS. - THAT'S JUST GREAT. THAT'S JUST DANDY.

THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE.

PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU.

WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I HEAR SOMEONE SAY

"PEACE AND LOVE BE WITH YOU" IT MAKES ME MAD?

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST RELAX?

- HI, CHRISSY. - HI.

- WHERE YOU BEEN? - TO THE BANK.

I TOOK OUT ALL MY MONEY. $327.

WHAT FOR?

I WAS TALKING TO THE RAMA AND HE SAID

THE MONEY WOULD DO MORE GOOD FOR MY INNER SELF AT BIG SUR

THAN FOR MY OUTER SELF AT THE BANK.

- OH. - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR SWAMI NOW?

- WE BETTER DO SOMETHING. THINK. - THAT'S WHAT I'VE...

- CHRISSY, HANG ON A SECOND. - CHRISSY.

CHRISSY, YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SAYING, YOU KNOW?

AND SUDDENLY... PEACE AND JOY BE WITH YOU.

SUDDENLY, IT WAS AS IF A LIGHT BULB... FOOP...

WENT ON INSIDE MY LITTLE HEAD.

OH, JACK, OH, JACK, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT WAS FOR ME... EXACTLY.

- REALLY? REALLY? BUT THEN... - YES.

SUDDENLY IT WAS LIKE THE LIGHT WENT OUT AGAIN.

SORT OF LIKE THE DEVIL CAME IN AND PULLED THE PLUG.

- OH, JACK. - YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THEN, BUT THEN,

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WHO'S A GOOD TEACHER.

SOMEONE WHO CAN ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS.

SOMEONE WHO CAN SWITCH THE LIGHT ON AGAIN. WHAT?

- RAMA MAGEESH. RAMA MAGEESH. - PARDON ME?

OH CHRISSY, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

RAMA IS A TERRIFIC TEACHER.

MAYBE I'LL BUMP INTO HIM SOMEDAY, I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I'LL GET HIM TO COME HERE.

OH CHRISSY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

WE MUST HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SELF.

NOW PARTS OF THE BODY ARE NOT THE SELF.

PARTS OF THE BODY PUT TOGETHER

ARE NOT THE SELF.

ONLY THE SELF IS THE SELF.

YOU SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS?

RAMA.

I'M STILL NOT SURE, YOU KNOW?

I... I... I FEEL A LITTLE STRANGE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF

WITH OTHER SELVES IN THE ROOM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

JACK'S RIGHT, THE SELF IS A VERY PERSONAL THING.

JANET AND I WILL LEAVE AND YOU TWO CAN TALK, OKAY?

- COME ON, JANET. - OH CHRISSY, WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

WELL... - YOU HAVE SOME QUESTIONS. - YES.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?

YOU MAY HAVE CONNED CHRISSY,

BUT TO ME YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A PHONY AND A FRAUD

RIPPING OFF PEOPLE'S MONEY BY MESSING UP THEIR MINDS.

- DON'T TRY TO DENY IT. - I DON'T DENY IT. I ADMIT IT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ADMIT, YOU SAY RIGHT...

- PARDON ME? - IT'S TRUE. EVERY BIT OF IT.

- IT IS? - MM-HMM.

IN THAT CASE, I THINK IT'S TIME SHE LEARNED THE TRUTH.

CHRISSY!

GOOD, WHOSE TRUTH DO YOU THINK SHE WILL BELIEVE?

(chuckles) YOUR TRUTH OR MINE?

(door opens)

WELL, HOW DID IT GO OUT HERE.

DUCKY, JUST DUCKY.

RAMAR, I'VE UNDERESTIMATED YOU.

COME, JANET, I NEED TO MEDITATE AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.

- WHY AT THE REGAL BEAGLE? - I ALSO NEED A DRINK.

OH...

I THINK HIS MIND IS STARTING TO OPEN.

- WHAT COULD BE MORE BEAUTIFUL? - THE MONEY.

- DID YOU GET THE MONEY? - OH, YEAH.

JACK WAS REALLY AFFECTED, WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

MERELY... THE TRUTH.

MY FATHER ALWAYS SAYS THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

AH, YOU FATHER IS A WISE MAN.

AND HE HAS A WISE DAUGHTER,

WHO IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL, DELECTABLE

AND DIVINELY SENSUOUS.

OH... YOU NEVER SAID THOSE THINGS BEFORE.

WE'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE BEFORE.

(groans)

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE'RE DOING?

- TRUST ME. - FIRST TAKE YOUR HAND OFF ME.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU UP.

THEN I WOULD RATHER YOU GRAB MY ARM.

OH, I'M SORRY IT'S SO DARK OUT HERE.

SHH... RELAX. RELAX, CHRISSY.

YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL NATURAL.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREE.

LET ME HELP YOU OPEN YOURSELF.

AH... AH... - DO YOU FEEL IT? - YEAH.

OH, YEAH, I CAN FEEL IT.

- MY MIND IS OPENING. - YES.

- MY HEART IS OPENING. - YES.

- RAMA? - YES?

MY BLOUSE IS OPENING.

- JACK. - COME ON.

- FOOT. MY FOOT. - WHAT? OH...

I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY.

- SHH... - I DON'T KNOW HOW I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS.

- I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY'RE UP TO. - OH JACK,

BUT SPYING ON PEOPLE, HOW COULD YOU STOOP SO LOW?

- IT'S THE BEST WAY TO SPY. - OH...

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU NEVER THINK OF PHYSICAL LOVE?

I DON'T.

THEN WHY IS YOUR HAND ON MY KNEE?

YOU SEE HOW I NEVER THINK OF IT.

- THIS IS AWFUL, JACK... - LOOK, JUST LOOK.

- WILL YOU LOOK? - THIS IS PERFECTLY... OH MY GOD.

WITHOUT THE WIND TO FAN THE FLAME,

THERE WOULD BE NO FIRE.

MR. RAMA, WOULDN'T YOU RATHER MEDITATE?

OH, IF YOU COULD SEE MY HEART, YOU WOULD SEE IT AS BURNING,

- BURNING... - MR. RAMA?

- MR. RAMA? - HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BUSTER.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - BETTER QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

I WAS MERELY TESTING CHRISSY.

TESTING? LOOKED MORE LIKE YOU WERE TAKING INVENTORY.

I AM ENDEAVORING TO ASCERTAIN

WHETHER CHRISSY CAN RESIST ALL TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH.

CONGRATULATIONS, MY DEAR, YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST.

YOU ARE A WORTHY DISCIPLE OF RAMA MAGEESH.

WE WILL DISCUSS THIS FURTHER

IN THE SERENITY OF OUR NEW HOME IN BIG SUR.

UNTIL THEN, MAY PEACE AND JOY BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

NO, JACK, THERE'S A BETTER WAY?

HEY, CHRISSY, I GUESS I HAD HIM PEGGED ALL WRONG.

I'M SORRY, HE'S ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS AFTER ALL.

YEAH, RIGHT, HE WAS JUST TESTING YOU, CHRISSY.

BOY, YOU GUYS ARE DUMB.

- THAT FAKE WAS COMING ONTO ME. - YOU KNEW THAT?

JANET, THOSE WEREN'T HIS KNEES.

HE WAS PRAYING ON.

CHRISSY, THAT WAS SORT OF AN EXPENSIVE LESSON, WASN'T IT?

IT COST YOU YOUR $327.

IT COULD HAVE COST HER A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT.

- THAT FINK WAS GETTING PRETTY CLOSE IN HERE. - THAT WAS OKAY.

I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM AS CLOSE TO ME AS I POSSIBLY COULD.

HUH?

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET MY MONEY BACK.

- THAT'S THE $300? CHRISSY! - CHRISSY!

OH...

BUT LISTEN, NOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR MONEY BACK,

I SUGGEST YOU PUT IT IN A SAFE PLACE BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT.

- YEAH. - WHERE?

- VERY GOOD. - THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE THEY'D LOOK.

- HERE. - HEY.

- JUST... LET ME... - HEY THERE, JERKY.

HELLO?

I'M FINE.

YOU'RE WHERE? BIG SUR?

- YOU WANT ME TO COME UP? - HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, CHRISSY.

- GIVE ME THAT PHONE. LISTEN, BUSTER, - JACK...

CHRISSY'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MUMBO-JUMBO.

- JACK, DON'T. - SHE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

LET ME HANDLE THIS. LET ME... HUH?

HEY, I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF SERMON IT IS YOU'RE PREACHING,

NO, NO, LISTEN. CHRISSY HAS FOUND YOU OUT

FOR THE BIG PHONY FATHEAD YOU REALLY ARE.

HUH? PARDON ME? WHAT?

OH CHRISSY, YOUR FATHER WANTS TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

TELL HIM I SAID HI.

DAD, THAT WAS JACK.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.