Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

UGH!

(loud crunch)

HEY, CHRISSY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT IS YOUR 12th PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY CRACKER?

NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S THE 13th.

- (doorbell rings) - (laughs) THE 13th?!

- HOW CAN YOU DO IT? - IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT SUPERSTITIOUS.

(sighs)

- (doorbell rings) - I'M COMING!

- HI. - HELLO. I'M LOOKING FOR JACK TRIPPER.

OH, GEE, HE'S DOWN AT THE BEACH.

OH, WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD'VE CALLED FIRST.

- BUT I WANTED TO SURPRISE HIM. - OH.

- I'M GRACE THOMPSON. - HOW DO YOU DO? I'M JANET WOOD.

- HELLO. - WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?

- THANK YOU. - OKAY.

OH! GRACE! YEAH, RIGHT, YOU WERE THE CRUISE SHIP.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE SOCIAL DIRECTOR ON THE CRUISE SHIP.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - YEAH.

- JACK AND I MET JUST BEFORE MY LAST TRIP. - UH-HUH, LABOR DAY WEEKEND.

- HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? - THAT'S THE WEEKEND JACK WAS MISSING.

OH.

BOY OH BOY, THAT MUST'VE BEEN SOME BON VOYAGE PARTY.

- WE DIDN'T MAKE... THE PARTY. - REALLY?

GEE, THE WAY JACK WAS TALKING, HE MUST'VE MADE SOMETHING.

- CARE FOR COFFEE? - OH, NO, THANK YOU.

- OH? - GEE, I WAS HOPING JACK WOULD BE HOME.

- DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO WAIT LONG? - NOT ONCE HE GETS HERE.

WOULD YOU... (clears throat)

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN? - NO, THANK YOU.

I HAVE TO SEE SOME RELATIVES TONIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM THAT I'LL BE AT THE HOTEL?

OKAY. WHAT HOTEL?

- HE'LL KNOW. - OH, WHAT ROOM?

- HE'LL KNOW. - OH! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

- HE'LL KNOW. - HE'LL KNOW. RIGHT.

- OKAY. GOODBYE. - BYE.

OOH-OOH! (laughs)

WOW, JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC STUFF IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC STUFF OUT HERE TOO.

THESE PEACHES ARE FANTASTIC!

OH, NO, PEACHES. NO, NO, NO, CHRISSY.

NO. JACK SAID THOSE ARE FOR TONIGHT'S DINNER.

OH, NO.

- WATER, WATER. - HI. BOY HAVE YOU BEEN DOWN AT THE BEACH

ALL THIS TIME JOGGING?

NOT ALL THE TIME. I HAD TO STOP AND WATCH SOME OF THE GIRLS JIGGLING...

UH... JOGGLING... JOGGING... JOGGING.

(both laugh)

YEAH, YOU HAD TO WATCH.

WELL, YOU KNOW, JANET, IT'S GOOD TO STUDY FORMS.

SPEAKING OF FORM, JACK, WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHO...

CHRISSY!

- Chrissy: JACK. - THOSE PEACHES WERE FOR A PEACH MELBA.

YOU JUST RUINED OUR DINNER.

- SORRY, JACK. I FORGOT. - JACK, JACK...

NO, HANG ON. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, CHRISSY? YOU ARE A COMPULSIVE EATER.

I AM NOT! I'M JUST ALWAYS HUNGRY.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

I SUPPOSE WE CAN ALWAYS HAVE THE ICE CREAM.

I DON'T THINK SO.

OH, NO, CHRISSY!

HEY, JACK. JACK, LISTEN, I THINK THAT YOU ARE REALLY GONNA BE INTERESTED...

ALL I'M INTERESTED IN IS THOSE PEACHES!

- SO WHAT, JACK, SO SHE ATE A BOWL OF PEACHES. - YEAH.

IT'S NO REASON TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE PITS.

(Chrissy and Janet laugh)

OH, SURE, CHRISSY. GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.

- YOU KNOW... - (Janet giggles)

I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I MEAN, WOMEN HAVE VERY LITTLE SELF-CONTROL.

WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE DID YOU GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

- THAT WOMEN HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL? - YEAH.

- WELL, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN SCIENTIFIC FACT. - OH, IT IS?

WE'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN SCIENTIFIC FACT. THAT'S A CROCK.

OH, COME ON, JANET. JUST LOOK AROUND YOU.

IF WOMEN COULD CONTROL THEIR URGES, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY DEPARTMENT STORES.

- ALL RIGHT. - (Jack laughs)

AND IF MEN COULD CONTROL THEIR URGES,

THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY MATERNITY SHOPS.

- ARE YOU SAYING THAT MEN HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL? - YES.

- YOU'RE SAYING THAT TO ME? - RIGHT.

MOI, A MAN LIVING WITH TWO WOMEN?

OH, COME ON, JACK.

WE ALL KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT MAKES YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL WITH US.

- WHAT'S THAT? - US.

- HOLD IT, HOLD IT. - YEAH, JACK.

REMEMBER WE KNOW HOW YOU ACT WITH OTHER GIRLS.

(laughs) BOY, THAT'S RIGHT. SOMETIMES, JACK, I THINK

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES TELL THEIRS KID ABOUT JACK TRIPPER.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT I PERSONALLY

- HAVE NO WILLPOWER? - YEAH.

THAT IN EFFECT I AM A SPINELESS JELLYFISH?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, YOU'RE TAKING THIS MUCH TOO SERIOUS, JACK.

LET'S FORGET IT, 'CAUSE I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

FORGET IT? JANET, I DON'T WANNA FORGET IT.

- JACK... - I HAVE PRIDE TOO, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE SAYING THAT I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN.

- OKAY. YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN, OKAY? - YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

I SURE DON'T.

AH-HA. AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, EITHER.

PLEASE, THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU AND I CAN PROVE WHO'S RIGHT.

LET'S JUST FORGET IT. I WANTED TO...

WAIT A MINUTE. SURE, WE CAN'T PROVE IT.

I BET YOU WE CAN PROVE IT, IF... UH...

A BET, THAT'S IT. THEN WE'LL SEE WHO HAS MORE SELF-CONTROL.

- WE'LL BET. - OH, JACK. COME ON, LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

(clucking) CHICKENING OUT, HUH?

LOOKS LIKE THE JELLYFISH IS ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW.

OH, YEAH? OKAY, BIG GUY.

- I'LL BET YOU. YOU ASKED FOR THIS. - OKAY, WHAT?

I'LL BET YOU THAT CHRISSY HERE

CAN GIVE UP FOOD LONGER THAN YOU CAN GIVE UP WOMEN.

- I CAN? - UGH...

YEAH, SURE YOU CAN. YOU HAVE MORE WILLPOWER THAN THIS PERSON.

I DO?

- FINE, THEN IT'S A BET? - IT IS A BET.

- IT IS? - LET'S LAY DOWN THE RULES.

CHRISSY, YOU WILL HAVE NO MORE FOOD...

CHRISSY, GIVE ME THE PEACHES. GIVE ME THE PEACHES.

(Jack laughing)

ALL RIGHT, YOU WILL HAVE NO MORE... NO!

YOU WILL HAVE NO FOOD, CHRISSY.

ALL YOU GET TO HAVE IS WATER. YES. AND JACK,

YOU WILL HAVE NO WOMEN.

THERE WILL BE NO KISSING, NO NECKING,

NO TOUCHING, NO NOTHING.

- I CAN HANDLE IT. - NO HANDLING.

AND I'M GONNA BE KEEPING MY EYE ON YOU.

I'LL BE KEEPING MY EYE ON CHRISSY.

I'M TAKING INVENTORY OF EVERY CRUMB OF FOOD IN THIS APARTMENT NOW.

- GO AHEAD. - JANET.

HMM?

I DON'T THINK WE CAN WIN. YOU KNOW MY APPETITE.

YEAH, CHRISSY, BUT JACK DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.

- WHO'S GRACE? - SHE'S OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.

(phone ringing)

HELLO.

OH, HI. WELL, JUST A MINUTE.

MRS. ROPER CALLED. SHE'S GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET TOMORROW

- AND WANTS TO KNOW IF WE NEED ANYTHING. - OH, THAT'S NICE. SURE.

THANK YOU. HELLO.

THANKS A LOT. YEAH, WE COULD... UH-HUH...

SOME POTATOES. MM-HMM. AND SOME CHEDDAR CHEESE.

(Chrissy moaning)

- A DOZEN EGGS. YEAH. MM-HMM, YEAH. - (Chrissy moans louder)

HEY, BY THE WAY, MRS. ROPER, WE GOT THIS LITTLE CONTEST GOING UP HERE.

NO KIDDING?

YOU MEAN JACK IS GONNA GIVE UP WOMEN?

OH, THAT'S GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR HIM.

MAYBE I SHOULD SEND STANLEY UP TO GIVE HIM SOME POINTERS.

OH. WELL, LISTEN, JANET.

TELL CHRISSY TO TAKE UP READING TO GET HER MIND OFF FOOD.

SEE, I'M INTO THIS WONDERFUL NEW BOOK.

IT'S CALLED, "WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR BRAIN."

AND... WELL, THE FIRST CHAPTER IS

"HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND MORE ROMANTIC."

THE OTHER CHAPTERS?! WHO CARES?

(laughs) OKAY, JANET. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.

HELEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK SO LOUD.

- I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST. - THAT WAS THE KIDS UPSTAIRS.

JACK AND THE GIRLS ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT

ABOUT WHO HAS THE MOST WILLPOWER, MEN OR WOMEN.

WHO'S DEFENDING THE MEN?

PERSONALLY, I THINK MEN HAVE MORE WILLPOWER, BUT I CAN'T PROVE IT.

STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN PROVING IT

FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

OH, HEY, STANLEY, DON'T GO. COME HERE, COME HERE, SIT DOWN.

I WANT TO READ YOU SOMETHING. COME ON.

LISTEN TO THIS. "IN ALL OF NATURE,

THERE IS NOTHING MORE PERFECT

THAN THE BASIC ATTRACTION

OF MAN TOWARD WOMAN, WOMAN TOWARD MAN."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK I WANT TO GO TO BED.

IT WORKS!

WAIT FOR ME, STANLEY. WAIT FOR ME!

UGH! YUCK! WATER!

ALL I'VE HAD FOR 24 HOURS IS WATER.

HOT WATER, COLD WATER, ICE WATER.

I THINK I'M GONNA DROWN.

COME ON, DON'T THINK THAT WAY. JUST THINK HOW GOOD YOU'RE GONNA LOOK.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE GO FOR DAYS WITHOUT ANYTHING.

SO DO CAMELS AND WHO WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A CAMEL?

CHRISSY, THIS FASTING IS CLEANING UP YOUR WHOLE SYSTEM.

OH, WONDERFUL! I'LL BE THE CLEANEST GIRL IN THE CEMETERY.

CHRISSY!

OH, IT'S NO USE. I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT FOOD.

- I CAN'T! - CHRISSY, NO. NO, NO, CHRISSY.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME. IT IS NOT GONNA BE MUCH LONGER.

I'M TELLING YOU, JACK IS ABOUT TO CRACK.

- CRACK?! OH, JUST A FEW CRACKERS. - OH, CHRISSY.

LISTEN, JUST THINK ABOUT JACK FOR A MINUTE. NO WOMEN ALL WEEKEND.

- HE MUST BE GOING BANANAS. - BANANAS! I WANT A BANANA.

OH, CHRISSY, LOOK. JACK STILL DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.

SHE CALLED, CHRISSY, AND I TOLD HER TO COME OVER.

- REMEMBER SEXY GRACE? - HERE IT IS, HOT, OUT OF THE OVEN...

CHRISSY'S FAVORITE DISH, BARBECUED CHICKEN.

JACK, THAT IS NOT FAIR!

DOESN'T IT LOOK SCRUMPTIOUS, CHRISSY?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO THAT?

COME ON, FIGHT IT OFF. YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER?

I'D RATHER HAVE A GLASS OF CHICKEN.

OH, JACK. WOULD YOU GET THIS STUPID THING OUT OF HERE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHRISSY? NO WILLPOWER?

IT'S ONLY A CHICKEN, JUST A SILLY-LOOKING BIRD WITH LEGS.

LONG, BEAUTIFUL LEGS.

CURVACCURVACEO USOUS, FIRM, PLUMP BREAST.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I BETTER GET THIS STUPID-LOOKING THING OUT OF HERE.

- (doorbell rings) - Jack: OH-HO!

THAT MUST BE... PIZZA MAN.

- PIZZA?! I WANT A PIECE. - NO, CHRISSY. NO PIZZA.

- (Jack laughs) - JACK! AT LAST!

GRACE! OH, NO!

OH, JACK, HOW I MISSED YOU!

SHE MISSED HIM AGAIN TOO.

GRACE, GRACE, GRACE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN?

DIDN'T JANET TELL YOU?

- TELL ME? - (Janet laughs)

WELL, JACK, I TRIED, AND I TRIED AND TRIED,

BUT, SEE, YOU'VE BEEN SO BUSY TALKING ABOUT WILLPOWER,

- IT WENT RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. - OH.

- (both laugh) - I GET IT.

- OH, YOU DO? - WELL, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE THING TO SAY...

- WHAT'S THAT, JACK? - THE BET'S OFF.

- OH, WE WON! YEAH, WE WON. - NO, NO, CHRISSY!

NO! NO, CHRISSY, YOU LET THE JELLYFISH TAKE THE FIRST BITE.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

JACK, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

HOLD IT. IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE LONGER.

JACK, YOU STOP TEASING ME.

YOU KNOW HOW THAT TURNS ME ON!

(mutters) I'M SORRY, I DON'T MEAN TO BE TEASING YOU,

BUT DON'T YOU FIND IT A TOUCH CROWDED IN HERE? (laughs)

OH, I UNDERSTAND. LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.

I WILL FIX UP SOMETHING JUST FOR THE TWO OF US.

CANDLES ON THE TABLE... CHAMPAGNE WILL BE READY...

SO WILL I.

I'M STAYING IN THE SAME PLACE AS LAST TIME.

THE SAME PLACE?! YOU MEAN WITH THE WATERBED?

- YOU REMEMBERED! - (both squeal)

- DON'T KEEP ME WAITING. - (Jack grunts)

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR JELLYFISH NOW?

(laughs) DIDN'T THINK I COULD KEEP MY COOL, DID YOU?

- (water running) - (Jack screaming)

(both scream)

GOING SOMEWHERE?

(stuttering) NO, NO... I, WELL...

I WANTED TO TAKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

- SO YOU GOT ALL DRESSED FOR THAT? - HUH?

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO ELSE MIGHT BE OUT HERE... BREATHING.

- GO AHEAD. - HUH?

- TAKE A BREATH. - OH, OKAY. THAT'S...

- (breathing deeply) - WHOO, I NEEDED THAT!

- NOW I CAN REALLY SLEEP. - GOOD NIGHT, JACK.

GOOD NIGHT, WARDEN.

- YOU LOSE! - I DO NOT!

OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU'RE EATING, YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO DRINK WATER.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.

ICE. IT'S HARD WATER.

(groans) CHRISSY!

NO, NO, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU TIPTOED IN THE KITCHEN FOR AN ICE CUBE,

- YOU WERE GONNA EAT! - AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CATCH ME.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE? - REFRIGERATOR DOORS DON'T WEAR SNEAKERS.

- GOOD MORNING, JACK. - GOOD MORNING, JANET.

AND LOOK WHO'S HERE, LITTLE CHRISSY.

COULDN'T HOLD OUT, HUH? (laughs)

- AND HOW ARE YOU HOLDING OUT? - HEY, I'M COOL,

- REAL COOL. - OH, REALLY?

(silent)

LOOK WHAT WE HAVE TO START OFF WITH, GIRLS...

DELICIOUS, FRESH ORANGE JUICE.

IS THAT HOW GRACE STARTS HER BREAKFAST?

- OH! I'M SO SORRY, JACK. - NO PROBLEM.

- NO PROBLEM AT ALL. - (clinks)

HERE, DO IT YOURSELF.

- EGGS FOR EVERYBODY? - OH, NO, JACK... JUST FOR ME.

CHRISSY ISN'T EATING. SHE'S JUST HERE TO KEEP US COMPANY.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - YEAH, SHE LOVES TO WATCH YOU COOK.

YOU DO IT WITH SUCH GRACE.

OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S A VERY NICE COMPLIMENT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, A TOMATO OMELET.

UH... UH... DO YOU WANT CHEESE IN YOUR EGGS, JANET?

OH, JACK, ANYTHING YOU LIKE...

JUST SO LONG AS THEY'RE NOT TOO GRACY.

- Janet: OH, I... - DO YOU WANT BREAKFAST OR NOT?

- SURE. - WELL, OKAY THEN.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF YOU TWO,

- YOU UNDERSTAND? NOT ONE MORE WORD. - IS IT OKAY IF WE SING?

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BUT TALK!

♪ AMAZING... ♪

♪ GRACE ♪

- ♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND! ♪ - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. JUST...

HOLD IT, HOLD IT... I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, BUT IT'S USELESS.

DO YOU SEE THIS? IT'S HAVING NO EFFECT ON ME AT ALL.

YOU UNDERSTAND? NONE AT ALL.

AH!

OH, GOODY, I'VE NEVER HAD SCRAMBLED TOAST BEFORE.

- NOW LOOK, JANET... - (doorbell rings)

- WHAT? - I'LL GET IT.

OH... REMEMBER TO SAY GRACE BEFORE YOU EAT.

- GOOD MORNING, CHRISSY. - OH, HI, COME ON IN.

THANKS. I JUST... REALLY CAME UP TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS SILLY CONTEST OF YOURS.

OH, IT'S NOT SILLY.

YOU SEE, IF JACK HAS ANY KIND OF FUN AT ALL WITH A GIRL, HE LOSES.

AND IF I DIE OF STARVATION, I WIN.

LOOK, CHRISSY. I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING HUNGRY.

- FOOD? - NO, THIS BOOK.

OH, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.

NO, CHRISSY, IT'S SOMETHING I READ IN THIS BOOK, ON SELF-HYPNOSIS.

COME ON, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN OVER HERE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES,

- AND JUST RELAX. - (doorbell rings)

OH, OH, OH... LOOK, I GET THAT. YOU JUST KEEP RELAXING.

JUST... JUST... LET YOURSELF GO LIMP.

- WHEN DO I GET MY BREAKFAST? - SHH.

I'M TRYING TO TEACH CHRISSY HOW TO HYPNOTIZE HERSELF.

HYPNOTISM? NOBODY BELIEVES IN THAT BOLOGNA.

STANLEY, PLEASE. I'M TRYING TO TURN HER OFF FOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU LET HER TASTE SOME OF YOUR COOKING?

CHRISSY, CHRISSY TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

(exhales)

NOW JUST LET YOURSELF GO AND SAY,

"I AM NOT HUNGRY."

"I AM NOT HUNGRY."

- SAY THAT. - I AM NOT HUNGRY.

AGAIN.

I AM NOT HUNGRY.

- I AM NOT HUNGRY. - GOOD.

NOW... - (snaps fingers) - WAKE UP.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL? - GREAT!

- YOU SEE?! - I'D FEEL A LOT BETTER IF I HAD A SANDWICH THOUGH.

OH, NO. CHRISSY, JUST KEEP WORKING AT IT.

SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LITTLE LONGER THAN OTHERS TO GET IT.

COME ON, STANLEY, I'LL FIX YOU BREAKFAST.

STANLEY?

STANLEY.

I AM NOT HUNGRY.

MM-MMM, THIS IS SO DELICIOUS.

YOU'RE A GREAT COOK, JACK.

LOUSY COMPANY, BUT A GREAT COOK.

- CHRISSY. - ARE YOU READY TO GIVE UP?

- JACK, THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA. - MEN NEVER GIVE UP.

- I KNOW, THAT'S WHY WARS LAST SO LONG. - (silent)

- CHRISSY. - DID YOU CALL ME?

YES. IT'S YOUR TURN TO WASH THE DISHES.

WHY SHOULD I? I DIDN'T DIRTY THEM. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN THEM.

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. - I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

NO, YOU DON'T. I DON'T TRUST YOU WITH THIS GARBAGE.

- I'LL TAKE IT OUT. - NO, YOU WON'T, JACK.

YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THIS APARTMENT.

WHY? I'M ONLY GONNA DROP OFF THE GARBAGE.

WHERE, AT GRACE'S HOTEL?

GARBAGE IS A TWO-WAY STREET, JACK.

OKAY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

I'M GONNA PUT AN END TO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. HERE WE GO.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT... CHOCOLATE CAKE!

- NO, THAT'S CHRISSY'S FAVORITE. - YEAH, I KNOW.

CHRISSY, LOOKY, LOOKY.

- OH, CHOCOLATE CAKE. - ARE YOU READY TO CALL IT QUITS NOW?

- YES, YES! - I'M NOT, I'M NOT.

- I MUST HAVE THIS CAKE. - (doorbell rings)

OVER MY DEAD BODY, CHRISSY.

- NO, PLEASE, CHRISSY... - Grace: JACK,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAITED AND I WAITED.

I CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER. I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

(Jack whimpers)

EAT YOUR CAKE!

- I GOTTA HAVE THIS CAKE! - I CAN'T LET YOU HAVE IT!

- GIVE CHRISSY THE CAKE! - Chrissy: GIVE CHRISSY THE CAKE!

- NO, CHRISSY, I CAN'T. - YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T, CHRISSY. LOOK WHAT IT WOULD MEAN TO... AH-OW!

- (whispers) EAT IT, EAT IT. - LET ME OUT.

- DON'T EAT THAT CAKE. - WHAT DO YOU SAY, YOU WANT CALL IT A DRAW?

- YES. - (grunting) COME HERE, GRACE!

ON THE COUNT OF THREE, CHRISSY.

WE BOTH START NIBBLING, READY?

- YES. - ONE, TWO, THREE... WHOA-OA!

OH.

- JANET, YOU MADE ME LOSE. - Grace: JACK.

- JACK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - (thumps)

(Jack's screaming)

- WHAT'S THE MATTER? - MY BACK, IT'S MY... MY BACK WENT OUT.

OH, NO! THAT'S IT. BYE, JACK!

NO, WAIT. GRACE, IT'LL BE OKAY IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

MY SHIP SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.

YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

THANKS TO YOU, ALL I'VE HAD

FOR MY WEEKEND ASHORE IS A WEEKEND ASHORE.

NO, GRACE. GRACE, COULD YOU JUST... GRACE, PLEASE.

MAYBE IF YOU MASSAGED IT A LITTLE...

(screams)

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, JACK. YOU WON THE BET.

YEAH, I WON THE BET, BUT THE PRIZE JUST LEFT.

- (water running) - Jack: WHOO-WHOO.

- WANT SOME? - NO THANKS, CHRISSY, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

Mrs. Roper: YOU'RE FEELING 10 YEARS YOUNGER.

YOU'RE OVERCOME WITH DESIRE.

NOW STANLEY, WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS,

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME IN YOUR MANLY ARMS,

SHOWER ME WITH KISSES,

AND MAKE MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME.

(snaps fingers)

HELLO, STANLEY.

I AM NOT HUNGRY.

(silent)

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.