Original subtitles

So, Mencap have offered us four respite days,

but that's not till late August.

So, what are you doing on the 8th, 9th and 10th?

OK, I don't have my phone so I don't have my diary,

and I won't remember. When was it? You're just saying numbers.

I said three numbers. Three consecutive numbers.

Hang on.

One of the activities they're offering is archery. Jesus.

OBJECTS CLATTER

I thought she was down here. No. No, Rosie!

Whoa! What are you doing?! Training to be a baggage handler?!

How did she get these out?

Rosie, do you by any chance want to go to the holiday hotel?

ROSIE VOCALISES

Yes. Yes, next week Rosie's going.

Mama. And Mummy's coming, too. Gaga. And Gandalf.

And? Yeah, you can say it, you can say it, you can say it,

you can say it. You can do it.

Car.

Very good, Rosie!

We're going in the car! What a clever girl.

Going in the car with...?

Car. With Daddy.

Car. Car. Car.

With Daddy! Car. Car.

Car. Car. Car.

# Let's turn off the TV

# It's killing us, we never speak

# There's a radio in the corner

# It's dying to make a scene... #

ROSIE VOCALISES AND CLAPS

Calm down, Rosie.

Ben, can you just see what she wants?

Just...

BEN SIGHS HEAVILY

Oh, come on, Ben, you love it at the holiday hotel. It'll be fun.

They've got all your favourite performers. Remember Mr Wacky?

EMILY CHUCKLES

Do you? Stop it. You're embarrassing.

Professor Fumbles?

It is an odd name for a children's entertainer.

Do you think Professor Fumbles is just hiding in plain sight?

No, it's because, in his act, he's always dropping things.

Yeah. Mainly charges.

That...that just doesn't... That doesn't work, Si.

Whoa! Simon! She's got the wheel!

It's all right. Hands off the wheel. Hands off.

Got the handbrake! Simon!

You have to watch her, Simon.

Get her on the seat. No, Rosie... Man, it's like when

they tried to take King Kong on holiday to New York.

Can you pin her down? Can you pin her down?

Can you get her seat belt back on? It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. Yep. God.

ROSIE CRIES

Very relaxing so far.

EMILY SIGHS DEEPLY

Hi, I'm Rosie Yates's mum. I've come to get her early today.

I'm really glad I caught you. I wanted to have a quick word.

Why? Is there a problem? No.

No, not at all.

I just wanted to show you how Rosie's been using

our new sensory room. Oh. She loves it.

She really likes the alphabet, doesn't she?

Does she? Oh, yeah.

Hi, Rosie.

SOFTLY: Rosie.

Do you like the letter X? Yeah?

ROSIE VOCALISES

EMILY CHUCKLES GENTLY

That's amazing.

X? X?

H?

Ssss.

ROSIE CRIES

No, Rosie, we're not there yet.

Oh, Ben, can you bear to spend one week with your awful parents?

Do you remember the year the seagull stole Dad's jacket potato?

Yeah, and he got into a fight because he wanted a refund?

Ow, no talons. No.

IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Sir, you cannot blame the seagull.

"It is a creature of instinct.

"All I see, they come down here from London

"and they don't engage their brains."

Yeah, all right, Pam Ayres, are we just picking on me now, are we?

Ow! No!

Si, door! Door! Door!

Rosie. Get in!

Simon!

ROSIE CRIES

No, do not bite me.

Don't break the window. Don't break the window. No.

ROSIE CONTINUES CRYING

Wow. Uber's great, isn't it? We must owe you, like, 900 quid.

EMILY SIGHS

Hello. Hey. Oh, it's Grandma and Gandalf.

Em, you look knackered.

We've been expecting you for ages. We haven't had dinner.

I had to have a sandwich, didn't I, Cath?

Hey, Grandma.

Yeah, Gaga.

You OK, honey? OK. All right.

Should we go and see if the swimming pool's still there?

Oh, bit bigger than we've had before.

Look, yeah, and we've got views over the front lawn. Excellent.

Where is he? This is your room.

You can pick your bed.

Car.

Is it because it's not bunk beds?

These are better than bunk beds. Well, it's nearly seven o'clock.

I could take her to see Professor Fumbles.

And leave me here to unpack the cases?

I know how you like everything to be in its proper place.

Come on, Rosie. Are you going to come, Ben?

BEN SIGHS

All right, you can stay here.

No! No.

No? You're going to come and see the Professor?

KIDDIE VOICE: Let's go see Professor Fumbles!

Let's go see Professor Fumbles!

The Fumbleriser! Bye.

SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

Oh, it's not Professor Fumbles.

Maybe he's in jail after all.

Look, Rosie, it's a new entertainer.

Captain Banana Crackers' Bubble Mayhem.

Looks fun, doesn't it? Exciting, isn't it?

Hey. You ever seen a bubble as big as that?

CHILDREN SQUEAL AND CLAP

Do you want to hula hoop?

Ready? Wheee!

You've got to make it spin.

Oh, now, we don't allow grumpy faces

here at Captain Banana Crackers' Bubble Mayhem.

Ah, she's fine, I think she was just expecting Professor Fumbles.

What's your name? Rosie. She can't talk.

Shall we make some bubbles with my magic bubble wand?

Oh, sorry.

I'm really sorry. Rosie!

It's OK. Never mind. I've got more over here.

Oh, Rosie! Oh, for f...

It's OK. Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'm really, really sorry. She's mentally learning disabled.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

I've just got to go back to the bubble van to fill up

the bubble bucket with bubble mixture.

Absolutely fine. And it's broken. Brilliant stuff. Cracking.

All right, it's only Fairy Liquid. Calm down, Dynamo.

Car. Eh?

Car.

Car.

Sorry, she's not a big bubble...fan.

Rosie.

Right, bye-bye, iPad.

Come on. You're going to have more fun tomorrow.

You too, Ben.

Mwah.

ROSIE: Car. Car.

I think... I think she will settle.

But maybe we should just be as quiet as possible.

The way I make love, this should not be a problem.

Oh, no, let's just...let's just get some sleep.

EMILY MAONS SOFTLY

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS CONTINUOUSLY

BEN: Oh, come on!

Oh, my God. BEN: Please, Rosie.

Mum. Dad.

Maybe we should just bring her in here and I'll go in her bed.

Come on, Rosie. Come on. Come into the big bed.

Come on. Come on, darling.

That's it.

Night-night. Car, car.

No, we're not going anywhere in the car. Into bed.

ROSIE VOCALISES

No snargling. No snargling, Rosie.

It's sleep time.

Car. Shh. Darling, darling.

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS CONTINUOUSLY

What are you doing?

No, put the cases back.

Car.

ROSIE THUDS ON CASES

What's going on? She just... She keeps getting up,

and now she wants the suitcases.

Come on. Rosie, it's two in the morning. Let's just...

We'll get you in the big bed with Mummy and Daddy. Come on.

ROSIE SCREAMS

All right. OK.

Oh. Baby, baby, it's OK.

Come on. It's OK. It's OK.

Come on, baby. It's OK, darling. It's OK. Mummy's here.

Mummy's here. Mummy's here.

That's a good girl. Come on.

ROSIE CONTINUES CRYING

It's OK. Mummy's here.

Mummy's here, darling. Mummy's here.

Mummy's here. Shh.

Mummy's here. Shh. Shh.

It's all right.

ROSIE CONTINUES CRYING

Shh.

SIMON SNORES SOFTLY

GULLS CALL OUTSIDE

HE GROANS

Jesus, fuck!

Car.

HE GROANS

Car.

I can hide the cases.

Do you know they've got a quiz coming up here with prizes?

So it'll be competitive. Car. Look who we found.

Hello. I was up at four.

Nana's off with her choir, so no point in hanging around.

I just got in the car.

ROSIE: Car, car. There's nothing wrong with the car, Rosie.

The car's fine. Well, I wouldn't say it was fine.

Now, now, Johnny.

No, Rosie, come on, we're walking to the beach. Come on.

Car. They have ice cream and the sea.

ROSIE: Car. Car.

Car. Car.

Car. Car. I suppose we could go for a drive instead.

Oh, this sounds good.

"Maryvale Fort..." Car. "..rumoured to be part of the Arthurian legend.

"If you draw lines between Maryvale, Tintagel

and Glastonbury Tor, they form a mystical triangle"!

Bloomin' heck. An equilateral triangle? No.

I think if you join any three points, they always form a triangle.

Unless the points are in a straight line. Look, we're not going

anywhere in a C-A-R. That's just rewarding her obsession.

We're going to have the holiday that we always have

because she loves this holiday.

Car. Car.

Do you want Grandma's phone?

Where's she going?

I could text her.

What's the problem? First rule of Rosie, you don't mess with her

when she's not making a noise.

I'll go.

Rosie! Well, it can't be me. Not if she was playing up last night.

Maybe you've lost your allure, Pat.

I might get a pasty.

Rosie.

Never mind, Rosie. Ben, do you fancy coming to explore some rock pools?

It'll be fine. She's just getting used to being on holiday again.

Hi. Hi. I'll take this one. Grandad!

Hi. Hey. Hello, Ben. My God, was it a long drive?

Yeah, it was awful. Si, we both know I was talking to Em.

Hey, I should be furious with you. A long time ago,

I told you not to have sex with my little sister.

You seem to have done it twice now.

Si, please don't try and play the hard older brother.

Shh. She's just dropping off.

How long's Mum staying with you?

As long as it takes.

WHISPERING: Help me.

Right, I've ordered a mega platter.

It's like a dustbin lid of delights.

Thank you very much. Oh, Captain Banana Crackers,

can we have some pens for the quiz?

It's Dean Bannerman when I'm doing my quiz. Oh, right, sorry.

I do a quiz myself every year, actually. Oh, really?

Well, I own the franchise to this quiz, so...

Well, that's surely only until ITV7 break open the chequebook.

Hi, are you all right? Well, she had a shower. Yeah?

Just kept trying to find the cases.

I just thought it's better off just trying her down here.

It's fascinating trying to work out what Rosie actually wants.

Not really, John. She hates the shit holiday and wants to go home.

Might she have started menstruating?

BEN SPITS OUT DRINK

Blimey, John!

We've got chicken dippers coming!

ROSIE: Car. Car.

OK, question number one.

What is a brachiosaurus?

HE WHISPERS

Car. Do you think she actually wants to see the car?

I'll take her. Come on, sweetie.

Car.

Question number five.

ROSIE: Car.

ROSIE THUMPS ON WINDOW

Car. Question number five.

Who is the longest king?

Who is the longest king?

WHISPERS: The longest?

I think it's a George. So much better than your quiz, Dad.

What do you mean, "The longest king?" Ethelred the Tall?

HE CHUCKLES

I think... I think we should take her outside.

We've had problems with quizzes before.

Well, I can take her up to the room. You sit down and enjoy the quiz.

Mama. Car.

See? Rosie, the car's fine.

Come on, then.

Come on, then, darling. Let's get in the front.

# What if this is all the love you ever get?

# Whoa, whoa

# You'd do a couple things... #

So, after three rounds, we always do a bonus question.

Now, Claire here isn't just my assistant.

She's also my girlfriend.

I'm 31 years old, and the bonus question is,

what is our combined age?

What is our combined age?

Sorry, you want us to write down your girlfriend's age?

Combined age. Sure.

Lower.

Er, no mobile phones. I did say that at the start of the quiz.

I was just texting Em to see if she wanted me to go out.

Yeah, I don't think typing "Captain Banana Crackers' girlfriend age"

into Google is going to... Oh, no, there it is.

ROSIE TOOTS HORN SOFTLY AND RAPIDLY No.

No, we're not driving anywhere.

# What if this all the love I'm ever shown...? #

No, Rosie, we're not driving anywhere.

We're not driving anywhere. We're not...

# Whoa, whoa... #

Car.

# I'd not be so scared to run into the unknown... #

Best holiday ever?

How old do you think Captain Banana Crackers' girlfriend is?

EMILY SIGHS HEAVILY

Genuine question.

She really is so adorable, Soph.

Thanks. Takes after her grandad.

Yes. She is perfect in every way.

SIMON: Rosie, take that out your mouth. That's disgusting.

It's all right. I'm on it.

Is she feeding OK? Well...

Yes. She breast-feeds regularly.

Your mummy is such a natural mother, isn't she?

Hey, did I tell you that Ben came first in his maths challenge?

No, that's so cool.

SIMON: Rosie, come away from there!

It's Alice you want to watch with maths.

Whereas this one, she can be anything she wants to be.

Hey, how is Rosie getting on at her new nursery? Great.

Apparently she really likes letters. Especially X.

Oh. All my grandchildren are equally amazing.

Rosie, Ben, Alice.

Where do you even start with Fliss?

CAT MEOWS ANGRILY

Rosie, Rosie, be gentle.

Come on. Don't frighten the cat.

Come on, darling. Come on.

Rosie, come on.

No. Rosie, the cases are gone.

And you, Ben, into jimjams.

Captain Banana Crackers' girlfriend is 18, by the way.

Well, that's some small mercy.

Oh, bloody hell.

Si, she's cracked your code.

Where do you want me to hide them? They're suitcases,

not Anne Frank.

I can't. You know, I can't, I can't have another night like this.

Honestly, honestly, I would rather go home.

Go home? No! Ben, don't you start!

All right, everyone, calm down. I'll sort the cases.

Stay there, honey.

I don't believe this.

Oh, it's just this holiday just isn't working for her.

It's my holiday, too.

I hate her. She ruins everything!

She's ruined my life!

I wish I never had to see her again.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry darling. I'm sorry.

I love you. It's OK.

It's OK to say these things. It's OK.

SOBBING: Why does everything have to be about her?

It doesn't. It's not.

We'll find a way to manage, OK?

I love you so much, Ben.

I love you so much.

DOOR CREAKS AND ROSIE CRIES

Oh. See, we don't have to... Just shut the door.

Oh.

Hi. Erm, can I leave these cases with you?

Yes, we can look after cases until you're ready to collect them.

Are you checking out?

No, no, these are empty.

Thank you.

That's it, Rosie. That's it. Let's try this bed, Rosie.

Night-night. Night-night. There's a good girl.

Night-night, darling. Night-night. Love you.

I've hidden the cases better.

She's always been so happy here.

It's the one thing I knew I got right.

You know, I've not thought it for years, Si, I really haven't.

Why couldn't she have just been born normal?

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS CONTINUOUSLY

HE GROANS

OK, honey-pie, come on.

Come on. Stop that.

Too much? Too much? Too much? Too much?

Oh, thanks.

SIMON SHOUTS PLAYFULLY

He's such a big kid.

So, how are you doing?

It can't be easy being around normal little girls.

John, don't say "normal".

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

Fliss and Alice are not normal.

They are superhuman.

Hello, you two.

Nana doesn't really expect Fliss to get a Nobel Prize.

Nomination will do.

EMILY CHUCKLES

Yeah, that's fine. She's just become a grandparent again.

Of course she's going to make a fuss of Fliss.

She loves Rosie to bits.

She just needs time to learn how to deal with her.

You know, not like us.

What about you two?

Oh, we're good. We're friends again.

How's he doing, in himself?

He's trying his best.

Same as the rest of us.

SIMON PANTS

Just need to grab some more

washing-up bottles. Thought we might have a water pistol war.

THEY LAUGH

That's it, darling. Car. Come on, Rosie, let's have a splash.

Get in the pool, darling. In the pool to Granny.

That's it. Have you got her, Mum?

What about Watermouth Castle?

It says they've recreated, in historical detail,

a fully functioning 16th-century kitchen.

Oh. They also have an exhibition of robots. Bloody daft.

BEN: Oogedyboogedy!

He's good with her, isn't he?

Yeah, he's brilliant. To be honest, John, though, she hates the pool.

I am out of ideas.

I just don't get why she's cross, love. I mean, who hates Devon?

Do you remember the episode of Paddington Bear where, erm,

Paddington goes to the bank to withdraw the £5 that he deposited?

Go on, Em. You're not the nerd here. We're just culturally ignorant.

Erm, he faints when he gets the money because it's not

the same £5 note that he gave them.

His had marmalade chunks on.

We've brought her on a holiday that's like her favourite holiday,

but without the marmalade chunks.

Oogedyboogedy, oogedyboogedy, ooh!

Yes! Yes, Rosie, that's it.

Ben, that means...that means more. Yeah. Do it again.

Oogedyboogedy, oogedyboogedy!

THEY LAUGH

Oogedyboogedy, oogedyboogedy, ooh!

ROSIE CLAPS

Sorry, kids, you just have to get out the pool.

Sorry, is there a problem? Someone's had a little accident.

We just need to clear the pool while we clean it.

Rosie. Come on, out you go. Come on. Out you get.

There's a good girl. Here we go.

Up we go.

Was it her? No.

You had fun, didn't you? You liked the pool, didn't you?

Mr Yates. My name's Mr Bannerman.

Sorry to have to bring this up, but we've been informed

that your daughter might have, erm...

..contaminated the pool.

I don't think so, mate. Well, we've been told this isn't the first time.

No, it's not the first time, it's the noughth time.

Who said something?

We've had reports that this is the second incident.

She's not even been in the pool before today. I'm really sorry,

but if we've had more than one incident reported,

we're obliged by health and safety...

Are you calling us liars, son?

Look, I'm genuinely sorry, but your daughter won't be allowed in the

pool while you're staying with us.

Oh, fuck off, Captain Banana Crackers!

Yeah, we've got the cases. Yeah. We're going home. Come on.

It's for the best, isn't it? We managed some of the week.

We're staying, though, aren't we, Cath? Call us when you get back.

ENGINE REVS

Oh. What's that?

ENGINE REVS

What's with all the revving? Are we in The Fast And The Furious?

Put it in bloody second!

It's just the accelerator isn't responding.

Put it in second!

Are we going to be trapped here forever like The Prisoner? Oh, God!

I can't believe this is happening!

Oh, I need to...I need to call the AA.

I know I said all week the car was fine, but it turns out it isn't.

That doesn't surprise me. Come on. Oh, honey, I know. I know.

ROSIE CRIES

Come on. Car.

I just think that Nana's a bit wary because Rosie isn't like

Alice and Fliss.

Let's teach Nana how to be around Rosie.

Like the rules of Rosie. I like it. Yeah.

What about, "Never mess with Rosie when she's not making the noise"?

"Never lose Hippo." Yeah.

What about, "If a liquid can be poured, it will be poured"?

"Never wake up Mummy when she's sleeping."

What's that got to do with Rosie?

Everything in our house has to do with Rosie.

"Don't break the telly."

That's good advice all round.

# That's when Wendell Gee

# Takes a tug upon the string... #

Here you go.

Wow. REM's Wendell Gee. Is it 1992?

You know, I think I saw a copy of

The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain upstairs.

EMILY GASPS

Yeah.

That would be so good.

Yeah.

Did you...did you actually? I mean, is it really upstairs?

Not actually, no. Why would you lie? Why would you lie?

# Whistle as the wind blows... #

Si, do you think...?

Is it going to be OK from now on?

God, no.

Fucking hell, have you met Rosie?

But we'll give it a go.

# But the wire, the wire turned to lizard skin

# And when he climbed inside

# There wasn't even time to say

# Goodbye to Wendell Gee

# So whistle as the wind blows... #

Erm, no, the blue suitcase is dirty clothes,

so just leave it by the basket.

ROSIE CRIES SOFTLY

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Not still upset about the bloody holiday?

I don't think so.

Rosie, what's that?

Rosie?

She's not angry, Si.

This is sadness.

Rosie, are you sad?

She's sad.

This is, like, ruminative.

It's like she's exploring emotion.

This is new. This is new.

Rosie, do you want to feel sad?

Should we make Rosie happy?

Should we have Hippo doing a poo?

The classics.

ROSIE LAUGHS

Just when you think she can't surprise you, she does.

She keeps becoming more of a person, don't you?

How much easier would it be if Rosie could talk?

Oh, I think she knows lots of words. She just...

..just says them differently.

# There she goes

# There she goes again

# Pulsing through my veins

# And I just can't contain

# This feeling that remains

# There she goes. #