Original subtitles

Situated.

Mm.

Yeah, very good, very good, very good.

Mumma.

Mummy, Daddy and Rosie and Ben and Gandalf at Christmas.

But Mummy needs to do her work, so can you go and look at it

by yourself? Mm.

Yes, Rosie, it's a Christmas tree and presents,

but Mummy really, really needs to do her work.

Why don't you go show Daddy? Go and show Daddy!

Yeah, I get it, lovely Christmas Yahtzee,

but Rosie, it's not Christmas.

ROSIE SQUEALS

Yeah, Gandalf.

TV PLAYS QUIETLY

I'm just reading the paper, honey bunny. Go show Mummy.

Created. Oh, God, not again.

Si?

Oh, good, you've moved on to videos.

VIDEO: Baby Jesus...

Great.

Christmas nativity.

Yes! You're a nativity elf!

And one of the three wise Batmans.

BEAT PLAYS ON VIDEO

And the Christmas bass beat.

To be fair, by that stage, Dad wanted to do the same.

No, Rosie, not again, not again.

That's enough now. That's enough.

No, no.

So, Rosie, Rosie.

This is today.

February 18th.

And then we have one sleep and it's tomorrow, which is Sunday.

And then we have another sleep and it's Monday,

which is when Rosie goes to school.

So, in two sleeps, it's school,

but Christmas is...

..December 25th,

which is...is...

..here.

And that's... Oh...

310 sleeps away, yes?

But we are here.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Si?

She's, she's doing my head in.

Can you... Has she been watching Home Alone?

Yeah, Dad put it on for her.

Do you pay any attention?

What has she been obsessing about?

Going on holiday? Yes.

But more recently?

Er, er...

Christmas!

Oh, Christmas.

Christmas, yeah.

Why would you show her a film where a family go on holiday at Christmas?

Why are you encouraging her, Si? Why?

Strictly speaking, Kevin doesn't go on holiday or have a family

Christmas, because he's home alone.

I think she might find the plot nuances of Home Alone

a bit complicated.

Like you and Godfather II.

Why does Hyman Roth live in a bungalow?!

I need to finish this draft by Tuesday, so...

Yeah, OK, all right.

Come on, Rosie. No more DVDs.

Shoes on, let's go out. Come on.

Come on, Ben! No.

I'm going leave the door open and the bathroom light on, OK?

Night-night, darling. Night, Mummy.

Hi.

The grill broke.

Jesus, that's the first thing you've got to say? Well, it did.

Not, "Hi, how was your day?" Sorry.

My day's been shit, Si.

The grill broke. How was yours? Fun?

Well, it WAS.

Well, if it's no fun, why are you here, Si?

Why don't you run back to Scotland and live with your dad?

Cos that's what we agreed, to try and function as some sort of a family.

Sorry if it's an effort. I'm going out back, for a smoke.

Yeah, you deserve it. Whatever!

SHE SIGHS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

Right, here we go.

Right, if you're a very good girl

and you come nicely to the park you can have some Mini Cheddars.

ROSIE SQUEALS

What is it? You want to go this way?

To the big park, is it?

All right, OK.

All right Rosie, the big park's this way.

Come on. Come on, no, no, no, no, come on.

We're going to the park, it'll be fun.

SHE SCREAMS

What's that?

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hi, you know that noise Donald Sutherland makes

at the end of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers?

ROSIE SCREECHING

Oh, wow! Ah.

What does she want?

I dunno, she just dragged me to that garden centre off the High Street.

The garden centre where we bought our Christmas tree.

Do you want a Christmas tree?

I don't think they have any Christmas trees.

Rosie.

Excuse me. Sorry, mate.

Um, you have any Christmas trees?

I can, I can check. But I'm, I'm pretty sure we don't.

It's, it's February. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, see, see, they have no Christmas trees.

OK, I've gotta go.

I've gotta go.

All right, come on.

Let's go to the park for a nice walk.

Yup, let's go to the park for some park fun.

Oh, let's go to the park for a nice walk in the park.

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa.

Hey, see, this is a nice walk.

Kss.

Kss.

I don't see an X.

Gonna have to be strict, you can't start claiming "kss"

that don't exist, young lady.

You're fucking kidding me.

OK, Rosie, Rosie.

Look at Dad, look at Dad, look at Dad. Oh, hello.

Right, what's that? It's a 'kss'.

Look, a mega kss.

Kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss.

Kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss, kss.

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Hi, guys. Oh.

Hi, Chris. What's this?

Oh, prostate cancer. Just a bit of fun.

Hence the... Yeah, it's a laugh, isn't it?

It's actually a, a light, non-restrictive design, so... Yeah.

Sorry, I don't wanna fall off the pace too much, do you mind if I...

Oh, sorry, of course, yeah. Out of the way, Rosie. OK.

Good luck. See you later. Thanks. Come on, Chris.

Oh, for fuck's sake, how Christmassy do you wanna make it?

Come on!

It was mental. Mumma.

No, Rosie, I'm not gonna come and look at the calendar.

You, you do it by yourself.

They had at least three, Em,

three... QUIETLY: ..Father Christmases,

and two Batmen.

Batmans? His name's Batman, so it would be Batmans, not Batmen.

Like, it would be two Simons, not Simen.

You know you're on the spectrum?

Mm.

No, Rosie, that's it.

I am hiding December in a cupboard.

Eh!

EM SIGHS

Please, please.

Will you learn the concept of time?

I mean, we could just have... QUIETLY: ..Christmas next week.

But it's not Christmas. I know, but it might shut her up.

You reckon?

You don't think we'll be teaching her that every day is Christmas?

Every day is Christmas when you're married to me, hon.

In that we drink too much and row

and you fall asleep in the front garden?

That happened one Christmas.

I'm not living in a Wizzard song.

Mm, mm, mm.

Eh.

I think for Christmas we get a new calendar.

Mm.

Mm. President's Day?

What's President's Day?

I don't know. It says "US".

"President's Day is the federal holiday which falls on the third

"Monday of February and celebrates the birth of George Washington,

"who was born on February 22nd, 1732."

Hm, we could celebrate that, I suppose.

You want to do something special on George Washington's birthday?

No, no, it's not his birthday,

because it's set to be on a Monday each year, so...

All right, Richard Osman,

you literally found out about it 15 seconds ago on Wikipedia.

Want to celebrate President's Day?

SHE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT

OK, OK, we can do that. Mm.

Rosie...

Mumma.

Who do you mean, Ben? Hm.

Daddy? Mm.

Guh-guh.

Oh, my God, did you say, did you say Dadda?

Rosie, can you say Dadda again?

Rosie, say Dadda again.

Mm, mm, Dadda.

Guh-guh! Oh, him...

Guh-guh. Yes! Gandalf. Guh-guh.

You know, erm, Paul Newman's quote about his wife,

"Why go out for burger when you can have steak at home?"

Mm-hm. Yeah?

But don't you just think, sometimes,

"I really want a fucking burger,

"with cheese, and bacon, and onion rings and..."

Oh, for the sake of our friendship, please don't tell be telling me

I'm the bacon double cheese Whopper here.

No. I'm just not sure about that steak in the fridge.

I mean,

I'd give it a smell first.

Fuck off! Em is the finest wagyu beef,

with good marbling,

and... Mm?

..erm... No... ..other...

..no, no, please do carry on, sister,

cos I'm dying to know where this analogy is heading.

Er, it's that you are Asda stewing steak,

that you have to marinade for 24 hours in wine,

which you kind of do.

I could get out there.

I've got some moves.

I'm good at stuff. Stuff? Like filing paperwork?

Yeah.

You might not have a good time in bed, but invoice me

and I will pay you promptly.

Go home.

Go home to Em.

I've known you both a very long time

and you will never find anyone as lovely and funny as her,

who's prepared to talk to you about the Star Trek.

Mm, that's it.

She doesn't really talk to me.

Not any more.

Eh.

Yes. Yes, Rosie, it's President's Day!

Mm.

Did your mum get back to you?

Yep. Erm, yeah, they might do a bit of shopping this afternoon, erm,

then come back here and head back about seven.

About seven. I'm going to do all American food.

Hot dogs, chips, unhealthy vegetables. Mm.

No, no, Rosie, it's not Christmas Day, it's President's Day.

Mm.

You don't think she read it as...

Rosie,

is President's Day the day that you open all the presidents?

ROSIE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT

No, Rosie, it's not "presents" day.

Mm.

No, we're not getting you another Whoozit today.

You already have all of the Whoozits. It's President's Day.

ROSIE SCREAMS

All right, see you later. Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Ooh.

What is it? Nothing. Mm.

Why, why is she looking at a,

a Belgo Prism 31cm Black X-Man monster dong?

Er, that's quite a mouthful.

I mean, it's the X, isn't it?

It's her life's mission to find all the X's in the world.

Thank God I disabled one-click buy.

We could buy her a present. It is George Washington's birthday.

It's not his birthday. I know, I know, I know.

I'll buy her one present.

Something small. Not that.

See you later.

Mm! Kss!

Yes, X! Kss! Kss!

Good girl.

He changes nappies, erm, does fresh air, cooks.

You know, Ben loves him.

Er, he does really love the kids.

Erm, I'm just not sure about me.

Do you think there's someone else?

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

I don't know. Er, emotionally, probably, yep.

You think he wants to leave?

No. But, you know, for the kids.

You know, poor little Si, from his own broken home.

I think he'd go to pieces,

he'd probably end up drinking himself to death in a shitty bedsit,

but, you know, I'd still worry about him.

Erm, you know, and clearly it's in the best interests

of three of the four of us

to stay together as a family.

But what about you?

Some time off Rosie - and Si - would be nice,

erm, but even more lonely, erm, and boring.

You know, I'm not really a catch, am I?

A middle-aged housewife with a severely disabled child.

Form an orderly queue, gentlemen.

Mm.

Mm-mm.

No, Rosie, no, not Christmas tree.

Hey, guys. President's Day. Washington.

George Washington.

Don't be long, cos Grandma and Gandalf are coming soon,

to celebrate President's Day.

Do I get any presidents?

Do what your mum says, whatever it was.

Oh, wow.

Ooh, what's this one?

That is Washington...

DOORBELL RINGS

..signing the Constitution in Pennsylvania.

You really know how to get a party started.

GRANDMA: Hello! Hi.

ROSIE SQUEALS

Hello. Hey!

ROSIE SQUEALS

Well, what a lovely surprise!

I told you everyone was coming.

Rosie... Mumma.

Daddy. Ben.

Guh-guh.

Oh! That's so clever!

And...

..Grandma.

Well, President's Day looks like a lot of fun.

Oh, what's this?

I'll need me specs to look at this.

Kss!

SHE WHISPERS: Oh, dildo. No!

Oh, that's... Oh, it's just Christmas trees.

No! Rosie,

it's not Christmas.

ROSIE SCREAMS

Oh, blooming heck.

Oh, what a lovely noise?

Rosie, do you want a Christmas tree?

ROSIE SQUEALS

No, Ben!

Well, we'll just get... We could get Steve McManaman,

put it in that corner.

It looks like Steve McManaman.

Rosie, do you want to come and get the tinsel from upstairs

and decorate it, like in the picture?

# On the first day of Christmas, my true love... #

It'll be fine. It'll make her happy.

Who knows, maybe George Washington loved Christmas.

He literally didn't. You don't know that.

Christmas Day 1750, his house burnt down.

Christmas Day, er, 1753, er, he was wounded in a fight in, quote,

"Murdering Town".

You're cherry-picking these. He died at Christmas, Si.

It says here he died a week before.

Well, I imagine it still ruined Christmas.

ROSIE SQUEALS

Oh, well,

isn't that pretty?

ROSIE SCREAMS

Would you like your president now?

Na-na!

Oh!

Mm.

And then it's homework before tea.

And do you guys want to stay for a bite to eat?

Er, a little. We have to get back.

Kath's made one of her flans.

And when your mum told me about President's Day,

I picked up a few little things.

That's for Rosie.

Ben. Thanks, Grandma.

Mum... I just bought you some wine.

And Em, a John Lewis voucher.

We haven't got you anything.

Bloody hell. This is crackers.

ROSIE SQUEALS

Dad, why would you say crackers?

Eh.

No, Rosie, we're not having that sort of tea.

We're having hot dogs for, for President's Day.

ROSIE SCREAMS

Oh, crikey, it goes right through you that noise, doesn't it?

We could, Em, we could always get Rosie...

HE WHISPERS: ..Christmas dinner.

Rosie has Pizza Express dough balls for Christmas.

Mm. Well, we could, er, we could go out and, and get some of them.

No need. We've got a packet from the supermarket

and I kept a dough balls box from Pizza Express.

Just heat them up, I'll nip outside for a couple of minutes,

pretend I'm picking them up. No bother.

Mm. Mm-mm.

So I think it's called a plie, isn't it?

When you go down... Oh, hey.

Oh, hi Chris.

Oh, Ellie, you look nice.

Yeah, Dad Taxis again.

Someone's got themselves cast in the school ballet.

Hey.

Sorry, I'm hiding from Rosie.

She thinks it's Christmas,

so, erm, I'm pretending to get her some Pizza Express dough balls...

Oh. ..for her Christmas dinner.

You, you don't have any, er, crackers left?

Er, maybe, in the back room, yeah.

That's probably enough time.

Yeah. Excuse me.

I, I'm sorry about the other day, in the park, with Rosie,

with the fun run, erm... Did you win?

Yeah, well, seventh.

# Happy birthday, Mr President,

# Happy birthday to you. #

Christ, Marilyn Monroe's gone downhill.

And it's not his birthday. She's eating her unicorn.

That's definitely not going to be good luck.

Take that out of your mouth, because Daddy has been all the way

to Pizza Express to get you some dough balls!

ROSIE SQUEALS

Guh-guh. Yeah, yes, Daddy.

Humble bread balls.

Much as they would've eaten in Bethlehem.

What, with garlic butter?

It's not Christmas.

No, we don't have time for Yahtzee, Rosie. Mm.

Grandma and Gandalf have got to go home after tea. What's Yahtzee?

We played it last...yule time.

It's a dice game. All about probability.

DOORBELL RINGS

But she likes it when you shout, "Yahtzee!"

Probability, huh!

I think I'll leave that to Professor Brainbox.

Don't forget you've got homework, Ben.

Do you want a lift to the station after tea, Mum?

Oh, wow!

SIMON CHUCKLES

Erm...

Ho-ho-ho, Rosie!

ROSIE SQUEALS

Who wants a cracker?

OK, OK, OK, OK...

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Sorry, it's just that Simon told me how much Rosie likes Christmas,

so, erm... And I've got this till Wednesday, so I thought...

ROSIE SQUEALS IN EXCITEMENT

Her dietician sent through a new nutrition plan.

Think we should operationalise it next week.

What's that face for?

Nothing.

Operationalise it? You mean do it.

It's just words. I know.

It's just like being in an HR meeting.

Oh, whatever.

Just try smiling, for fuck's sake.

Yeah,

yeah, you go and, go and smoke on your garden furniture.

You do get how pathetic that is, don't you?

You're like a tramp who lives in a house.

Well, you wanted me home in the evening for the kids, and I am.

Yeah, you come home, but you're not here.

You're just off...

..texting another woman

about fuck knows what.

Eh? Don't bring Helen into this. Why not?

When was the last time you sent me a text longer than two words?

Why do you spend hours outside,

texting her?

Because she's a laugh, and it's an escape from all this.

Well, if you want an escape, Si, go ahead.

If you want to split up, fine.

Oh, Jesus, now you want a divorce?

I don't know.

I used to wonder if you didn't love me any more.

Now you don't even like me.

No, no, no, no, you want a divorce.

Don't lay all that on me, Emily.

Just look at yourself, cos you're so cold.

Oh, I'm cold? Yeah, you're cold!

YOU look at yourself.

Nothing,

NOTHING about the way you treat me,

right now, inspires warmth!

No. Bullshit, bullshit!

You've always been cold ever since the first time

I ever went back to your house in Birmingham, way back, like, in 1992.

I will never forget, we sat there eating pizza,

while you were reading the Littlewoods catalogue.

You're weird.

I'm weird now?

What about you?

You're the one who got so arseholed, surprise-surprise,

I woke up in the middle of the night

and found you pissing down the middle of my bedside lamp!

One time. Yeah, the next time was in that shitty hotel in York.

You pissing again, only this time on the fucking Gideon Bible!

Oh, I'm sorry, did that mean you had nothing to read over breakfast?

Yeah, and for your information, it wasn't the Littlewoods catalogue,

it was the Argos catalogue!

SHE LAUGHS

Why were you reading an Argos catalogue?

Because I, I had to read when I ate,

because I'm weird.

Fucking nutcase!

Why did you piss on a Bible?

Hey,

you looked at me and thought, "I'm going to marry that man."

And we spent all those nights

drinking, and listening to REM,

and playing Warlock Of Firetop Mountain.

God, we were so sad.

No, Si, we were happy.

Why can't we be those people again?

We can.

We can. It's just, it's just there's four of us now.

Just come home, Si.

Come home properly.

MUSIC: Lady Divine by Alela Diane

# When the day

# When the day falls to the line

# At the end, oh, the end of my town

# I call to the dark

# "Take the bones off my back"... #

We don't actually have to keep playing Yahtzee any more.

I put Home Alone on for her about half an hour ago.

Well, we need to finish the game. Come on, Dad, it's your throw.

What about your report?

Lighten up, Si!

It's fake Christmas.

Sorry, Mum, I think I might've drunk too much to drop you at the station.

It's all right. We can just stay over.

Oh...

You got a Yahtzee!

Oh! Whoa! Yahtzee!

Yahtzee! Oh, blimey.

Does that mean I've won? Is it over?

No.

We should get Rosie, to show her the Yahtzee.

She's very quiet. Yes, it is a bit late.

Maybe we should put her to bed, before we finish the game. Right.

TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

Oh, what? Oh, Rosie!

Mm?

ROSIE SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

Oh! Oh, crikey!

Well, that's going to take some clearing up.

Yes, Rosie! Clever girl!

Is it snowing?

Like in Home Alone?

Like at Christmas!

SHE SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT

Hey.

Hi.

Hiya. How was your day?

Awesome.

Probably better than yours.

Are you going to shout?

Oh, darling, come here.

Come here, it's all right.

No more shouting, I promise. OK?

You and Mum and Rosie are the most important people in the world, yeah?

Nothing else matters.

Family makes me as happy as winning the league.

Everything else is just goal difference.

Didn't we lose on that?

Yeah, once, yeah.

Arsenal beat Liverpool, goal difference,

'88-'89, but don't ruin it, mate.

I was proud of that analogy.

If we're being accurate,

'88-'89, Arsenal and Liverpool were level on goal difference.

Arsenal won on goals scored.

Oh, my God, you're such a nerd.

Just the facts.

They're sport facts.

I need to be at work.

Why? It's Boxing Day.

Why am I doing all this?

Because...

..you made it be Christmas.

Mm. Dear God, no.

Rosie, President's Day was yesterday.

Mm.

Yesterday.

Mm!

Rosie, President's Day was yesterday.

Mm! Yesterday!

Mm!

MUSIC: She Moves In Her Own Way by The Kooks

# Well, uh-oh, oh, I love her

# Because she moves in her own way

# But, uh-oh, whoa,

# She came to my show

# Just to hear about my day

# Oh, uh-oh, whoa, I love her

# Because she moves in her own way

# Oh, uh-oh, oh

# She came to my show

# Just to hear about my day. #