Original subtitles

ARTHUR: Previously on The King of Queens...

I don't feel well.

Well-- what's the matter?

I don't know. My, my stomach's weird.

[SIGHS]

Carrie, what the hell is going on? He won't tell me anything.

Um, I'm pregnant, and I'm terrified we're gonna be broke,

and I love you, and we'll talk at home.

Until the moment he is born...

all the burden is on me.

-What do I do? -You just think happy thoughts and,

and grow a baby. That's your only job.

Not counting your regular job. We need that.

Oh, man, that is so great. Okay, you know, I owe you.

-All right, bye. Yeah! -What?

Your old hubby just got a night job

doing what he does best.

I know what you're thinking. Underwear model.

Actually, what I do second best... driving.

Oh, the Limo thing came through? Yay!

Yep, five nights a week, I'm going to be playing motor host

to New York's glamorous social elite.

And probably some drunk prom kids.

Five nights. Honey, that's so much.

Money! Cash! You know what I'm talking about? Co-co-cold cash.

-All right. -I'm telling you, Carr,

our kid's gonna have the best of everything... best food, best babysitters,

solid-gold pacifier.

All right. Not sure if it's good for a kid to suck on gold.

Fine. Then lead, whatever. The point is...

we're gonna have the money to do what we want.

Well, let me at least help out. How about I do some overtime work?

No, no, no overtime work. That counts as burden.

You work 40 hours a week max.

And even then, I want a lot of slacking off.

You know, they put Solitaire on the computer for a reason.

All right, well, maybe I'll go on-line, you know, read up baby-type stuff.

Yes. See, there you go. Now we're vibing, huh?

It's gonna be okay, my little... [GIBBERISH]

My little yummy, yummy, yummy...

All right, all right. If that continues, I will beat you with the blender.

Whoa. There are the hormones. Okay, killer.

Sorry about that, kids. Just trying to shut off the right circuit breaker.

I don't know that these old bones

can handle a third electrocution.

He's near our wires. Why is he near our wires?

Uh, dad, what are you doing?

Pitching in. With the baby coming,

I realize the contractor's too expensive to keep on,

but we still own the materials,

so I figured why not just finish up the job myself?

Um, maybe because you know absolutely nothing about construction?

Is that so? Well, for your information, darling,

I spent several months working as a rivet boy

on the Empire State Building.

In addition to doling out hot rivets,

I would also delight and amuse the workers

by dancing a lively jig during break time.

You know what? There's no rivets or dancing involved here,

so give it up, okay?

Don't worry, Douglas, I'm not on my own here.

I have a step-by-step book

that will guide me through the process.

Okay, this is How to Build an Outdoor Barbecue Pit.

Granted, there'll be some extrapolating.

Dad, please be rational here.

You can't do this.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't. For God's sakes,

you get reduced to tears when you try to make popcorn.

Now come on, just forget about this now.

I'm sorry, darling. I know you're right.

It's just so hard to accept.

I was so close to having my own bathroom...

I could taste it.

You know what, Arthur? I'll... I'll finish it up for you, okay?

Don't be silly, Douglas.

You got way too much on your plate already.

Believe me, I want to.

In fact, I'll pick up the toilet on my way home, okay?

God bless you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

What up, little man?

Not much.

Listen, I'm gonna grab a shower, but, um...

if one of your famous grilled-cheese sandwiches met me with a towel,

I wouldn't hate it, you know what I'm saying?

What's the matter?

We need to talk. Come, sit.

Okay.

Uh... what's up?

[SIGHS] I, uh... oh, this is hard.

Come on. What is it?

[SIGHS] Okay, I just don't think this is working out for me.

What isn't?

This, this. This thing that we're doing.

Bro, I'm just crashing on your couch until Kelly lets me back.

Exactly. And in the meantime,

I'm nothing more than your servant.

I mean, I'm your doormat.

You're Mr. Belvedere.

Is this about the other night?

I, I called to tell you I wasn't coming home.

I know, and thank you, but I just...

I feel like I've got to get off this emotional roller coaster.

You want me to move out?

I think it would be best

if you got all of your stuff out tomorrow,

and, and I'll make sure to be out the whole day.

I only have one suitcase, and I never even unpacked it.

I don't think you have to be out at all.

Well, I have to be out anyways because of work.

Well, all right.

Why don't I just get started...

[CHOKED UP] on that grilled cheese sandwich?

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

I mean, I am pregnant, so--

Pregnant? Oh, how wonderful!

What a delightful, wonderful miracle that is.

Oh, I'm just a few weeks along.

I was getting some coffee on my way home,

and I saw this place and I thought,

why not stick a toe in the water, right?

Yeah. Well, the first thing you're gonna want to do with that toe

is have it talk the other toes

into kicking caffeine right out of your life.

Oh, no, no. You don't understand.

My coffee's the only thing that...

that keeps me from jumping in front of the "E" train.

[CHUCKLES] I do understand,

but that nasty old caffeine gets into your tummy

and then up the umbilical cord, and, well,

the next thing you know, you've got a hyperactive child

who's tugging on your dress screaming,

"Mommy, mommy! Look at me! Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look!"

Got it. Okay. No more coffee.

-Great. -Okay.

We've got some great books here

on nutrition for expectant mothers

that are an absolute must-have.

Now, I assume you're taking folic acid?

Well, I took some at a Metallica concert once.

Woke up the next day in the parking lot of a Waldbaum's.

[LAUGHS]

I'm kidding.

I mean, that did happen, but...

I know that's not what you meant.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week,

and I'm sure he'll clue me in.

Right, but in the meantime you want to get a little checklist going, huh?

See what this cute little money pit's gonna run ya?

Exactly.

Great. Where should we start? Changing tables.

Oh, you know what, actually, um, I don't think I need one of those.

We have this old berow in attic, I think I'm just gonna use that.

Does it have a lip on it?

[STUTTERING] I don't know. Is that important?

Oh, gosh! I don't know, let's see.

Here I am, changing my baby on the no-lip berow

I saved all $600 on.

What's that, the phone? I better get it. [LAUGHS]

Well, hello there, husband.

No, I'm just changing little Wynona. We're--

Oh, God! Wynona, no!

[SOBBING] No, no!

What happened? What happened to little Wynona?

She rolled off the edge cause there was no lip.

Now she has to go to special classes.

Got it. Get a changing table. Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

So what brings you to Gotham?

You here on business?

-Yes. -Oh. What do you do?

I run CBS.

Ah, CVS, nice.

My wife shops there.

In fact, she just picked up a couple of 12-packs of Charmin.

Saved a bundle.

Good feeling, though, when you're all set with T.P.

for a few weeks, am I right?

Not CVS. CBS.

Oh, CBS.

Hey, is that guy on Beckerreally blind?

What's the deal?

Gotcha. No problem.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

-Hello. -Hi, hon, it's me.

Hey, babe. How you feeling?

Um, fine. Well, I threw up this morning, but that's normal.

Hey, you had fruit loops. That must have been quite a show.

Okay, well, I'm at the baby store...

Fantastic.

There's this great changing table.

I know you don't know what that is, but we're gonna need it.

[WHISPERING] Tell him it has a decorative lip.

It has a decorative lip.

Anyway, it's a display model

and we can get it for 1/3 off.

Well, if you think that it's a good deal--

Hey! What are you doing?

You passed my building.

Uh, oops. Okay.

No problem. I'll just swing around.

Sorry about that.

All right, order it if you want, okay?

It's fine. I gotta go.

Douglas, got a moment to chat?

Hold-- hold on one sec, okay?

-[SHOUTING] -What did I say? Heads inside!

What-- what is it, Arthur?

I'm a bit concerned about the lack of progress

vis-a-vis the toilet.

You know what? I can't hear you.

You're gotta say it again.

The toilet! The thing I don't have!

Hold on one sec.

Pants on!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, hello?

Are you married to the decorative lip?

No, no, no, no, not at all.

CARRIE: Okay, good, bye.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-Yeah? -You left another

pallet of two day's, man.

Crap. All-- all right, thanks.

-[CELL PHONE RINGING] -[CHUCKLES]

-What? -So I guess the toilet is here

and I'm just missing it.

Listen, I said I would get it.

Now, stop calling me,

or the toilet will be your new fedora.

Anger.

Young man, wake up.

-[SNORES] -We can't get out. The doors are locked.

[KNOCKING] Wake up. Start the engine.

Oh, Herman, I'm frightened.

Oh, coffee.

Coffee. Need coffee.

Oh, sweet wakey juice.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, it's cold... [EXHALES]

and decaf.

Okay, that was a miss-miss.

ARTHUR: Douglas, is that you?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Would you kindly step down here for a moment.

[SIGHING]

Yeah, Arthur, what-- oh, God!

Hello, Douglas.

You, uh, you do understand that's not connected, right?

Yes, but as you can see,

there aren't a great many seating options available down here.

Sorry, I've been busy, but I did bring the toilet in, right?

Yes, you did, which I'm now beginning to assume

was just to taunt me.

It wasn't to taunt you.

Well, then can you hook it up tonight?

I can't tonight. I gotta drive Insane Clown Posse

to the VH-1 Awards.

Look, I don't understand your street jargon,

but I do understand there's a toilet here

with no conduit to the ocean.

Arthur, I have a half an hour before I have to leave for work.

If I don't lie down, I'm gonna break in a scary way.

CARRIE: Doug, you home?

-Yeah. Coming! -Wait!

Where you going? I'm on the brink of Utopia.

Help me!

DOUG: Where are you?

In my office. Come on up.

Huh? Huh? What do you think?

What's... what's all this?

Our baby's room.

I want to see how the furniture would fit,

so I got a bunch of empty boxes from the supermarket.

Oh! Shamaniqua says congratulations

and sends a shout-out to ya.

Oh, we got to go, honey. Come on.

Wait. Wait. Where we going?

My obstetrician appointment.

You said you wanted to come with me, right?

Yeow.

[LAUGHS] Hey, check it out, honey.

It's like the Zamboni at the Ranger Game.

-[IMITATES ZAMBONI] -All right, Doug--

* Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh dunh dunh *

-Stop it! -Yeah!

All right.

All right--

Blue, 395. Blue. Blue.

Would you stop it? Doug--

-Hut! -Stop it.

How much coffee have you had?

Just this one... and the other two.

All right, you know what, sweetie?

I love you for bringing me here,

but why don't you head out to work, okay?

You're making me nervous.

Besides, you don't want to be late.

No sense in upsetting an already Insane Clown Posse.

All right, sorry for the wait.

Oh, that's okay, Dr. Lindhardt. This is my husband, Doug.

Doug, hello.

It would seem congratulations are in order.

Well, thanks, and to you.

Took me two whole dates to get where you're about to go.

I kid. I kid.

Okay, bye-bye, now.

All right, I gotta go. I'm going. I'm going.

Hey, you guys want the door open or closed?

Again, I kid. I kid.

-Ah! -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, keys.

I just forgot--

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey?

[DRY GULPS] What happened?

Do we have the baby?

No. You passed out.

I did?

Huh.

Oh, well. Gotta go.

-Doug! -What?

-Where are you going? -To work.

-To work? -Yeah.

You just collapsed!

I didn't collapse. That was a catnap.

Did me a world of good, too. I'll see you tonight.

[DOUG COLLAPSES]

Doug? Honey?

What happened?

You passed out again.

Why am I in these?

Well, the doctor thought it would be better

if you had your feet elevated this time,

but you know what? Take 'em down.

It's starting to creep me out a little bit.

All righty, well, once again, I'll see you tonight, okay?

-Doug! -What?

Stop leaving.

I have work. I've got to pick up a car in Astoria.

Doug, you are passing out every third step.

Astoria is a little ambitious, okay?

Now, just tell me what is going on with you?

I don't know!

Everything's changing, Carrie.

You know, two weeks ago you were my beautiful, sexy wife.

Now I walk in here, and you're-- you're not her anymore.

[PANTING] You're-- you're that...

and I'm Mr. That.

[PANTING] You know, we're sitting out there.

We're filling out forms "Name of mother? Name of father?"

I'm not even Doug anymore.

You realize that? I'm "Name of father."

I thought you were Mr. That.

Okay, Carrie. Glad you're having fun with this.

Well, Doug, what do you want me to say?

Everything's changing, yes.

Why is it all dawning on you now?

Because I never had time for it to dawn on me before!

I was too busy trying to shoulder you into a good place.

Well, you made me give you all the burden.

I know, but because of that, I never had a moment,

not one moment,

to say, "Holy crap! What's happening to us?"

You know what? I'm saying it now.

Holy crap! What's happening to us?

We're having a baby...

and it's gonna be okay.

Oh, shut up.

I'm serious. It is.

Yeah, well. Why are you so sure now?

Because of you.

-Me? -Mm-hmm.

Watching you these last couple of weeks,

and seeing what you're willing... to put yourself through

for me, for...

our family...

I just realized, you know, because we have you, we're...

-we're gonna be okay. -[EXHALES]

I am pretty amazing, huh?

Hey, I let you get me pregnant, right?

Only seven or eight guys can say that.

So you really-- really think we can pull this off?

I do...

but you know what? You have to...

you have to give me some of the burden back.

No. No. It's-- I don't-- it's in the car.

-I don't believe it is. -No. I don't have it.

-I think you have it on you. -I don't have it on me.

You give it to me! Give it to me. Give it to me.

Stop it! Leave me alone.

Give me the burden. Give me the burden. Come on, baby.

I'll come back.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Huh. You, uh, you expecting someone?

No, I canceled both my lovers when I let you move back in.

[LAUGHS] Good one.

-Oh! Hey, man. -Hey, Deac. Hey, Kel.

Hey, Spence.

It's a-- it's a little late. What's up?

Oh, well, you had some T-shirts in the wash when you left.

I thought you might need 'em.

Um, I'm all out of snuggle,

-so those might be a little rougher than you're used to. -[LAUGHS]

Thanks, man, you didn't have to do this, though.

Oh, well, I felt kinda bad with the way we left things.

No, no. Don't be silly, man. Your kicking me out

was the best thing that could have happened.

Kelly and I are doing great now.

-Are you? -Yeah.

Well, that's good.

Anything else, or...

Oh... No, I just dropped by with the T-shirts and a how-do.

All right, well, I guess I'll catch you at Coopers, all right?

-You got it. -All right, good night, man.

Goodnight.

DOUG: Carrie!

Wife?

Wife! Wifey!

[AS JERRY LEWIS] Wifey-lady person-thingie, hello!

Here you are. Check this out.

It's called a receiving blanket,

and apparently, it's perfect for...

swaddling our precious new baby.

Now all we have to do is learn how to swaddle.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the matter?

We're not gonna be needing that.

What are you--

I felt weird, so I went back to the doctor.

I...

I, uh, I lost it.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

So, are...

are you okay?

It's funny, you know, the other day at the doctor

we were both in a good place about this for the first time.

And... and now...

[CRYING]

[HAMMERS]

Oh, that's it, Artie.

The dream has become a reality.

Never thought I'd live to see it.

Thank you, Douglas. You did a wonderful job.

Yeah. Looks good, right?

And I want to apologize once again for the cement incident.

Ah, look, hey, we caught it before anybody ate any.

That's the main thing.

So, uh, how's Carrie doing?

She's-- she's doing all right, you know.

I guess the good thing that came of all this is

we now know that we really do want to have a baby,

so we're gonna keep trying.

That's the spirit.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

I'm not sure what bastards you mean,

but thank you.

CARRIE: Doug, everyone's here. Come on!

Hey, we're going to the movies, Arthur.

-You want to come with us? -No, thanks, Douglas.

I think I'll stay home tonight.

Think I'll stay home.

Enjoy.

Okay, people, let's go eat a dangerous amount of milk duds.

Sweetie, you should have brought a jacket.

You're gonna get cold.

-I'll be all right. -You always say that, and you wind up being chilly.

-Honey, I'll be fine. -All right.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'll keep the couch free.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

ARTHUR: Now, that's livin'!

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]