Original subtitles

[KNOCKS]

ARTHUR: I'm in here.

Dad, it's the middle of the night.

What are you doin' up?

ARTHUR: I didn't realize I had a curfew.

I--I'm sorry. I just, uh,

I need to get something.

ARTHUR: Tell me what it is,

and I'll slide it under the door.

Yeah. Won't work.

Um, are you gonna be long?

[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]

Could be a few minutes!

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sitting here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care*

* 'Cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause baby, all my life*

* I will be driving home to you*

Gimme somethin' to punch.

What? What's wrong?

Gimme somethin' to punch now!

Not a friend.

All right, don't beat up our groceries.

Just tell me what's wrong.

Your father's what's wrong.

I'm tryin' to get ready for work,

I can't even get in the freakin' bathroom.

He spends the whole day in there, like he's at Six Flags.

Doug, he's old.

His machinery just takes a little longer

to rev up, that's all.

You--you--that's not all. He's in there messin' around

with a stupid foot massager for half an hour.

For your information, it was a Waterpik.

Forgive me for not being a bigger fan of gum disease.

Fine, it was a Waterpik. My mistake.

Oh, and by the way, one time,

try not aiming it at the mirror.

It might work out for you. Give her a shot.

Well, I'd probably do better

if someone wasn't banging on the door,

spewing hateful invectives at me.

CARRIE: All right, Dad.

Stop taunting Doug with words he doesn't know.

Now, both of you count to 10, let me get out the door,

and you can start your slap fight.

Sure, you can run out the door,

but you can't run away

from your responsibility in this matter.

Me? What did I do?

When you insisted I come live here with you,

you specifically promised me

a furnished room with private bath.

I never said that.

You said it with your eyes.

Doug, can we just build

a bathroom downstairs for him?

What? No!

Why not? It's not like he doesn't need it.

He doesn't need it.

One bathroom is fine for this house

if he didn't nap in there.

I don't plan them.

So who's gonna pay for this, Carrie?

Well, we can dip into our savings.

I betcha we do the whole thing for less than 1,000.

Oh, just a thou? Oh, well, in that case--no.

Oh, I'm sorry, Douglas.

Were you saving that money

for yet another 50-foot television set?

What I save my money for is none of your business.

Fine, but bear in mind,

my bladder has me up 7 or 8 times a night,

and that laundry sink down there

is starting to look awfully good to me.

And checkmate! Dad wins! Good-bye and good-bye.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DEACON: Yeah, come on in.

Hey, come on, man. Let's get goin', huh?

What's up with you?

I had a crappy morning.

I gotta shell out 1,000 bucks

to build a bathroom for Arthur. You believe that?

You never built him a bathroom?

Hmm, that's cold.

Anyway,

it kills me the way he manipulates Carrie.

He knows what he's doin'.

"Oh, I'm old.

I have different smells."

Well, he is pretty old.

I'm so not into you today.

Listen, don't take it out on me, man.

I'm not havin' such a great day myself.

-Yeah? What's up? -Man, I went out

to marriage counseling with Kelly last night,

and--and it went pretty well,

so we decided to go out to dinner after,

you know, to keep talking, right?

-So? -So...

so he gets all bent out of shape just because--

Hehas a name. Thank you.

And perhaps Doug would like

to hear both sides of the story, hmm?

Not that much, no.

Just let it go, all right?

Oh, me? I should let it go?

Um, was I the one that said,

"I'll be home at 8:00. Order a pizza." Was that me?

I'm tryin' to reconcile with my wife, man.

Fine. This is a telephone,

and it was invented so that people

could call other people

and tell them not to order a pizza

they have no intention of eating.

It's a pizza. Look, just get my half out of the fridge,

and I'll pay you for it, all right?

-Forget it. -No, come on, here.

I wanna end this. Take this

and give me the rest of the pizza. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I ate it, all right?

In a fit of self-loathing,

I wolfed down an entire large pizza by myself,

and you just made me admit it in front of Doug!

Thank you!

[DOOR SLAMS]

-You all set? -Yeah.

[UKRAINIAN ACCENT] And after I finish with the framing,

I put up half-inch Greenboard. That's very good.

Half-inch Greenboard, huh? Is that cheapest you have?

Well, no. There is quarter-inch.

You want that?

You know what? That'll be fine.

Quarter-inch? That's not very thick.

-So? -What if you get mad at me

and try to punch your way in?

I wanna feel secure in there.

Quarter-inch.

-I want half-inch. -You don't need half-inch.

I do need half-inch.

H-h-how about three-eights?

Can I have four-eights?

Three-eights will be fine.

If you're looking to save some money elsewhere,

I can get for you a deal on the toilet.

Whoa! Whoa there, Trotsky.

I already picked out what I want in that department.

King of Prussia

in Pacific blue or sandstone.

Arthur, this toilet is 600 bucks!

It's ergonomically correct.

I'm not paying 600 bucks for a toilet!

Fine!

Why don't we just dig a hole in the ground,

line it with newspapers?

Or is a nickel still too much?

Carrie!

[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING UPSTAIRS]

Carrie, you got to go down

and talk to your father right now.

I'll talk to him later.

No, later's too late. I gotta get to work,

and he's outta control on this bathroom thing.

It took me 20 minutes to explain

to him why he can't have a view.

I'll deal with it later.

-I don't feel well. -Wh-what's the matter?

I don't know. My--my stomach's weird.

You think it's that crab taco you had at the drive-thru?

Youhad that.

You had a bite.

No. You wouldn't give me one.

They're not that big.

Whatever! It's not from that!

I gotta go. I'm so late.

Just talk to your dad when you can, okay?

And take some Pepto-Bismol.

It's not that kind of thing.

-Well, then what is it? -I don't know!

Okay! Good-bye!

[SLAM]

What the hell is it?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

I forgot to put my thingy in.

I'll be right back, okay?

All right. I'll get started.

You work your way in, like double dutch.

[HANDLE DOESN'T TURN]

[KNOCKS]

ARTHUR: I'm in here!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-ARTHUR: Carrie! -Uh, yeah, Dad?

If you've got a moment, I'd like your thoughts

on some wallpaper samples.

Uh, I'll be out in a minute.

The contractor likes the striped pattern,

but I'm leaning toward the seagulls.

They're a marvelous bird, don't you think?

Uh, Dad, I just-- I just need a minute.

Right-o. I'll wait downstairs with the contractor.

Oh, boy.

[WHISTLING]

So, where are you from exactly?

I was born in Kiev.

Ah, yes! Kiev.

Jewel of the Ukraine.

-You have been there? -No.

But I hear good things

Oh, darling, good.

Here's a third wallpaper choice

I'm also considering.

Lively cartoons of various people in the John.

What do you think?

Uh, it's--it's fine.

I'm sensing some hesitation.

Too randy?

Think it might cause a stir?

I-I'm sorry, Dad.

I really can't focus on that right now.

Alex, I think we might have to put a pin in this

till next time.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Hmm!

Look at this drunken fella.

Doesn't even realize the lid's down.

Marvelous!

I'm--I'm pregnant.

Hmm?

I'm sorry, dear. What?

I'm...

I'm...

I'm pregnant, Dad.

Well, that's terrific!

No! No, it's not terrific!

We weren't--we weren't trying for this now, Dad.

We just-- we just got careless.

So what, darling?

Nature works in its own wonderful way.

This has nothing to do with nature.

I couldn't get in the bathroom and get what I needed,

because you were locked in there listening to Enya!

Well, I offered to slip your doohickey under the door.

Yeah, well, I didn't want you to touch my doohickey.

Okay? But that's not the point.

The point is we're not prepared for this, Dad.

We--we barely have enough money in the bank

to--to build you your bathroom.

A kid is like 10 bathrooms!

And that's if we don't let it go to college!

Oy!

Darling, many years ago,

I anticipated that this day would come,

so I put together a plan that would help you kids out

with your financial needs.

-You did? -Yes.

Looking back, I wish I had followed through on that plan.

But in my defense...

the dog races are terribly fixed.

Dad, you know what?

It's not your responsibility.

Doug and I made a dumb mistake, and now--

well, I don't even know what now.

I'll tell you one thing.

You got to talk to Douglas right away.

I can't. I have to go to work.

Work, schmerk! This is your life!

You need to hold each other.

Dad, my boss has a huge deposition today

which starts in--

less than an hour! I got to go.

I will tell him when I get home from work tonight,

and don't you tell him if he gets home first, okay?

Fine, whatever.

Dad, this is a personal matter, okay?

I need you to look me in the eye and swear on mom's grave

that you won't tell him.

Pick a different grave. How about Aunt Lottie?

Dad!

Fine. I won't tell him.

Thank you. I love you.

Love you, too, sweetheart.

Okay, kids, last time I checked,

packages don't deliver themselves. Chop, chop.

All right, I'm outta here.

Where do you want to meet for lunch?

Anywhere as long as it's a castle and it's white.

-1:00? -See you then.

Hello, Douglas!

Arthur, what are you doing here?

Ah, nothing special. I may be sending a package soon,

and I wanted your outfit to get first crack at the business.

So far, I like what I see.

Okay, once again, what are you doing here?

Is this about your stupid bathroom?

Not at all, but, hey, since fate has thrown us together,

what say we pop into the city and see Carrie?

Come on. Road trip!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa.

-Is Carrie okay? -She's fine. She's fine,

but I do think you should speak to her immediately.

There's a bit of a situation.

Well, what is it?

I am forbidden to tell.

-Would you just tell me?! -I'm forbidden!

Heffernan.

That thing I said before,

that was just chummy boss talk,

but the fact is packages really don't deliver themselves.

I'm sorry, Mr. O'Boyle.

It's just that I have a little family crisis.

More of a situation actually.

-A situation, right. -What is it?

I don't know. He won't tell me.

I've been forbidden.

Who are you?

A concerned citizen.

He's my father-in-law.

Is it all right if I go into the city and talk to my wife?

What? Oh, come on, Heffernan.

I mean, I got wife problems as well.

You don't see me runnin' outta here

just 'cause she took the kids back to India.

Sir, the man has a legitimate situation to deal with at once.

Well, what the hell is it?

Come here.

-[WHISPERING] -Really?

Well, that's terrific.

ARTHUR: Wait. There's more.

Ohhh! Ooohh.

That's a shame.

All right, Heffernan, you can go.

Come on!

W-w-w...

-What is it?! -I'm forbidden!

BERENSON: Now, Mr. Mazzeo, in your testimony

before the securities and exchange commission,

you specifically mentioned that you had no knowledge

of the pending merger.

And you signed an affidavit to that effect as well.

Could I see that, please, Carrie?

-Carrie? -Hmm? I'm sorry. What? What?

Could I please see Mr. Mazzeo's affidavit, please?

Oh. Sure, you can.

Okay, affi...affi...

affi...davit. There you go.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Now, Mr. Mazzeo, if I can refer you to page 51,

specifically paragraph 5...

Oh, God, would you look at this gas bill?

Can we put this on a credit card?

We could if it hadn't been scissored in half at McDonalds.

[SIGHS] What about all these frequent flyer miles?

Can we use them for anything?

Yeah, that's a minus sign.

We owe them miles.

[CRASH]

Could you deal with that, please?

Your turn!

[BABY CRYING]

CARRIE: Doug Junior--

Oh!

Oh, okay--oh, that's not good--

sweetie, no, no--

There we go. There we go. There we go.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! No, no, that's mama's-- mama's--

no, mama's sad-- mama's sad--

[BABY TALK]

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Dougie-- sweetie--

sweetie, be careful--

you gotta be careful--

play nice-- no, no--

play-- no, no--

I need that-- neat, please--

yeah, okay, baby--

[GROANING]

It's okay, it's okay--

[GROANS]

Doug Jr., it's time to go home.

Come on, sweetie.

We have to leave now.

Hey, Dougie,

you want some ice cream?

Yeah, yeah, come on, come on baby.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, come on. Come on, baby.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh!

It... honey, it's OK,

ice cream. Ice cream. Yeah.

Yeah. Come get it, baby.

Honey, slow... you gotta slow down, baby.

Baby, you gotta slow down. Yeah.

Slow down. Slow down.

Whoo.

-BERENSON: Carrie! -Hmm? Oh!

Can I see the transcript, please?

Oh! Sure, I'm sorry. There you go.

Now, Mr. Mazzeo,

on the 14th of August, you--

uh, excuse me one moment, please.

What's going on?

Hi, I'm Carrie's husband.

Any chance I could just speak to her for a moment?

We're in the middle of a deposition.

Can it wait?

I'm pretty sure it can't,

but I'm not positive.

I don't understand.

It's a very sensitive matter

he's not privy to at the moment.

You see--

-come here. -Stop telling people!

Look, tell me!

I'm forbidden.

Doug? Dad?

Here's your husband.

Now talk to him.

I'll be waiting in there.

Carrie, what the hell is going on?

He won't tell me anything.

Dad, why did you bring him down here?

I am working.

This is more important. Now tell him.

Doug, I--I really can't talk right now.

The thing is, um, I'm pregnant.

And I'm terrified we're gonna be broke,

and I love you, and we'll talk at home.

So, in the mood for a knish?

They asleep?

Finally. Kirby put up a helluva fight, though.

Had to read him Everyone Poops4 times.

God, he's obsessed with that book.

I think I know it by heart now.

It's a good book, though. I actually never realized

that everyone poops.

Yeah, well, the title does give it away.

Anyway, I guess I should head on back to Spence's.

Sure. Okay.

So, I'll, uh-- I'll, uh--

see you at counseling on Thursday, right?

-Right. -Right.

All right.

Deacon...

Yeah?

Look, I have half a lasagna from yesterday.

I could heat it up if you haven't already eaten.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -Hey, man, it's me.

Oh, hey. Where are you?

I'm at home and I'm just gonna hang out here for dinner, okay?

SPENCE: No problemo.

Probably be home about 10:00.

I'll see you then.

And, hey, thanks for the phone call.

Not so hard, was it?

You're right, you're right. My bad.

Listen, have a good dinner.

I'll catch you later, buddy boy.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS OFF]

CARRIE: I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I am so not ready.

All right, come on, will you just calm down.

Doug, this is not a situation

that calls for calming down, okay?

As a matter of fact, why don't you calm up?!

OK, there's no such thing.

You can only calm in one direction.

Well then maybe they should change that.

Why are you so upset?

We wanted to have a baby eventually, right?

Yes, eventually, Doug. Not today.

It's like being offered a job on Monday,

but you have to start on Tuesday.

"Congratulations, you're our new pregnant person!

See you at 9 A.M.!"

and I can't even tell them that I don't want the job

because I've already been fired from my old job

as a not-pregnant person.

I'm not even allowed near the building!

Okay, will you stop straightening up for a second?

I can't! We're having a baby!

Yeah, well, he's not dropping by tonight.

[SIGHS] Now, listen to me.

What?

Everything is gonna be fine.

But you have to stop worrying.

How can I stop worrying, Doug?

We're--we're broke, we're unprepared,

and I drop things.

You know your Jets mug?

That wasn't my dad. That was me.

Come here. Will you just listen to me?

From this moment

until the moment Bruce is born...

Bruce?

-After Springsteen, no? -No, but go on.

Until the moment he is born,

all the burden is on me.

Okay, I'm gonna work overtime, I'll get a job at night,

we'll sock away a lot of money, okay?

And if anything comes up, I'll take care of it.

Anything.

Well, what do I do?

You just think happy thoughts

and grow a baby. That's your only job.

Not counting your regular job. We need that.

I'll try.

But I'm gonna freak out, Doug, sometimes.

-I can't help that. -So then you freak out.

But then you call me, okay?

'cause I'm always wearing my phone, huh?

Oh.

Other side. It's on the other side.

Look, it'll ring, I'll find it, trust me.

Are we on the same page?

I just feel bad giving you the whole burden.

Don't feel bad. Burden me up!

Grrrr!

All right?

Fine.

Well? Give it to me.

What? You want me to, like,

mime giving it to you?

I think it would be a nice symbolic gesture, yes.

All right.

That's it?

Yes.

You're lying. I know there's more!

I know there's more. Come on, you're holding!

Aha!

Ohhh!

Oh, that is pure burden.

You're an idiot.

I love you.

So, should I conclude that

the storm has passed?

Yes, Dad.

And break.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]