Original subtitles

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home to you*

DOUG: Today? Really? That's great!

3:00? Yeah, sure, you know what, no problem.

We're wide open today.

No, we're not.

You know what, don't worry about it.

It's no problem.

Doug, who are you talking to?

Look--look we want to see you. We're coming.

Doug! Hello!

It's fine, yup. Okay.

Pay attention to me!

Got it. Okay, bye, mom.

Ooh!

Nice job. Now I'm gonna hear her voice

every time I see those.

So, am I getting

your parents are coming out here today?

Yeah, yeah, they're flying to Montreal for a wedding,

and it turns out they got a 45-minute layover

at JFK, so we're gonna drive out and see them.

Well, Doug, even if I wasn't really busy today,

that sounds like a big pain in the ass.

Hey, come on, it's my parents!

I know, and I love them, believe me.

It's just to drive there, find parking,

a 45-minute visit's gonna take 4 hours.

A 4-hour inconvenience with my parents,

as opposed to in my house always.

Doug, you may have never made a better point.

Yeah. Dad, we're gonna have to move

your haircut appointment today. I'm sorry.

What? Why?

Doug's parents are coming into town.

Well, well, well, stop the world.

The Heffernans have deigned

to grace us with their presence.

Would you stop?

They're very nice people.

Yeah, well, I'm down here in the trenches

doing the heavy lifting of parenting,

then they waltz into town

and get all the glory.

Yes, you're an unsung hero.

DOUG: Come on, I want to meet them

when they get off the plane.

I can't believe you made me

change my haircut appointment.

Dad, we are taking you there

right after this, and listen,

you're not the only one

who had to move stuff, okay?

I had to change my manicure to 6:00,

and I had to cancel the toes.

All right? So suck it up.

We are doing this for Doug's parents.

Yeah, well, while we're at it,

why don't we tweak the earth's axis

to make the weather more pleasant for them.

Uh!

Think my mom will bring us lemon squares?

Has she ever not?

Nah.

Nah, she always does.

Just gonna get a drink of water.

Come on, Arthur, can't you grab it later?

ARTHUR: Hold your horses, I'm thirsty.

What the hell just happened?

Oh, that was good water.

Check it! Make him check it.

All right, guy, you know what it's not working, guy.

You gotta... it's too big. You gotta check it.

You gotta check the bag.

No, you gotta check it.

You gotta check it.

All right, here you go.

Sorry.

Oh, good, the doors aren't even open yet.

See? We didn't miss bupkes.

The hurrier you go, the behinder you gets.

[SIGHS]

Can I borrow that pen?

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Just shutee and watchee.

Thanks. Nyah?

Hey, not gonna lie to you, Doug.

It's borderline embarrassing.

You kidding me?

This is gonna go over huge.

Is that them?

Nope.

Arm hurts!

You know, it's okay to let this thing go.

It's gonna be hilarious.

JANET: Carrie, Doug, Arthur!

-CARRIE: Hi. -Excuse me,

are you "Mom and Dad"?

What's this for?

It's like when you get a limo.

-You got a limo? -Oh, Doug,

I hope you didn't get a limo.

We got a connecting flight, remember?

You told him it was just a layover, right?

-Well, of course I did! -JOE: Why do you waste a $100

-on a limo? -I didn't get one.

Darling, we just don't have the time.

Okay, okay, here's what's going on here.

Doug thought it would be cute

to pretend he was a limo driver.

There's no car, everything's fine,

the joke didn't land,

so let's all just hug and say hi now.

Oh, my baby!

JOE: Good to see you, Dougie boy!

[LAUGHS] Hello, Arthur.

I brought a couple of goodies

from the Sunshine State.

There's a little somethin' for everyone.

Oh, that's so nice.

For Carrie,

from my favorite store at the Boca Mall.

Oh, this is great.

Okay, I'll just wear both. Here we go. Thank you.

So, uh, why aren't I eating a lemon square?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I forgot.

Just kiddin'.

[ALL LAUGH]

Don't do that, okay? Come on, gimme one.

-After lunch. -Gimme 'em.

Hey, hey, good to see you, Spooner.

-Heffernan. -Got a little something

for you, too. Real deal.

[SNIFFS] Cubano.

Enjoy it, on me.

And so it begins.

Think your sister's gonna make it?

Oh, she said she'd try.

She's, uh, reffin' a girl's soccer game.

Oh, that's a good way to meet a man.

Well, since we don't have much time,

-Oh. -Yes,

the dreaded "to do" file.

Just a couple of things.

We're not gonna see you on your birthday,

so we got you an early card.

Happy 30-bump-bump.

Hey! A $100 bill.

Mmm. Hey, much nicer than the 50

you gave me last year.

I told you we only gave him 50.

Ah, too late. This is now the minimum.

So, come on. How about giving me a lemon square, huh?

Well, just one.

I don't want to spoil your appetite.

Yet to happen.

Something's-- something's different.

Oh, since we're now in Florida,

I'm using real lemons

instead of that fake bottled stuff.

Hmm.

What's the matter with you?

I wasn't told there'd be gift-giving.

Dad, it was just a nice gesture.

Yeah, well, I'm familiar with that gesture.

It means I'm nothing and they're aristocrats.

Joe owned a hardware store.

Did you see how he shoved that cigar down my pocket?

Like he was tipping a bellhop.

I can't even stand looking at it.

All right, well, great, now you don't have to.

What else here?

Oh, this cartoon reminded me of you, sweetie.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You see? The dog is driving a truck

just like you do.

Oh, yeah. I'll put it with the others.

Well, what, uh, what is this?

Oh, just some papers we need you to sign.

A living will?

It just says if ever there's a problem

that you shouldn't use any artificial means

to keep your dad and me alive.

Is there a reason the cartoon is attached to it, or...

No, I was just savin' a staple.

You sign right here beside the sticker,

and then you initial right there,

next to the section about comas.

Uh-huh.

Oh, we'd better go to the bathroom

before the food comes.

How do you know I have to go?

I'm sure you have to go.

She's right.

ARTHUR: Those Heffernans-- always trying to show me up.

You know when it started, don't you?

The day I let them pay for your wedding.

Dad, don't start with that now, please.

You were out of a job.

They did a very nice thing.

Yes, but did it have to be so lavish?

Oh, sure. Everybody's gotta have a glass of champagne.

Okay.

You already made your feelings

very clear on our wedding video.

Well, they're not the only ones

who can give flashy gifts.

Dad, you don't have to buy them anything.

Yes, I do. Today, I even the score,

although I am a bit short on cash.

Darling, uh, would you mind

floatin' me over a few balloons?

-No. -Come on!

No. Dad, I--I am paying for the food,

and the rest I'm saving

for something not insane.

Fine. I gave you life, but whatever.

Douglas, quick.

I need to borrow some cash.

I only got, like, 10 bucks on me.

Well, what have we here, a c-note?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

As you know, I'm good for it.

Okay, there goes a crap-load of burgers.

Hey, where is everyone?

Look at this thing.

Look what my parents gave me to sign.

Look at that.

-A living will? -Yeah, look at this.

I get to be "the conservator of their person,"

which basically means,

if they stub their toe, I fly in and waste 'em.

All right, calm down. You know what?

We do these at the law firm all the time.

It's actually a good idea.

It's a terrible idea. Look at this.

Look, they checked

"do not resuscitate" on everything.

It's like they can't die fast enough.

Doug, it's not that they want to die,

it's just that they're trying to plan for the future.

You know, on the off chance

that they're ever in a...

-vegetative state. -Vegetative state?

They were just supposed to bring me lemon squares.

Okay, I know this is stressful,

but it's what they want.

Did you, uh, sign one of these for your dad?

Actually, he checked "yes"

to anything they could do to keep him alive.

I think he even wrote in something about freezing his head.

Hello, my good man.

I'm in the market for some high-end gifts.

Give me your most expensive whiskey

and your finest perfume.

All rightie, comin' up.

"International duty free shop."

So, tell me. Are we currently

standing on American soil,

or are we in some sort of borderless limbo?

Uh, it's America.

That'll be $423.

Uh-huh, okay, plan B.

Let's go down to your fourth best in both categories.

Sure...

and what flight are you on?

That's none of your affair.

But you can't buy duty free

unless you're on an international flight.

I see. Well, in that case,

I'm on B.O.A.C., flight one,

en route to Constantinople.

I'll need to see a ticket.

I must have left it in my attaché case.

I'm sorry. I can't sell this to you without a ticket.

Let me ask you this...

were I traveling abroad, what would my total have been?

$97.50.

I have in my hand a crisp one-hundred dollar bill.

What if I left the change on the counter and just walked away, huh?

Come on, it's a $300 travel voucher,

and we still get there.

I don't want to do it.

-What's goin' on? -Oh, they overbooked

the flight to Montreal,

now, they're offering to bump people

onto the next flight,

and they hand us free money.

It's ridiculous. We're flying to a wedding.

We're not gonna miss the rehearsal dinner.

I don't give a crap about this girl's rehearsal dinner.

I'd much rather spend the next 4 hours

right here with you kids.

Cool.

Oh, I don't know.

What do you two think?

Mmm, actually, you know what?

Rehearsal dinners are very important.

A friend missed ours, and I--I really hate her now.

Thank you.

Fine.

Did you sign the papers yet, honey?

Uh, you know what? I'm gonna hold on to these

and have my guy take a look at 'em.

You have a guy now?

Yeah, I have a guy. He looks over things.

-What is he, a lawyer? -Kinda.

You always use our guy.

When did you get a guy?

Actually, I've had one for a while now.

What's the matter with Dan?

I've known Dan for 27 years.

What am I gonna tell Dan when he asks?

I don't care what you tell Dan, okay?

You know, you fly in here on a 45-minute layover,

and you spring your death warrants on me,

stapled to a "Wizard of Id" cartoon.

I mean, this--this is crazy. I'm not signing.

Enjoy your comas.

You're gonna be in them for quite some time.

Aw, why couldn't the Knicks get Shaq?

Boy, if they let me run that team for one year...

Dad, if you ran the team, there'd be 87 players

and $1 billion payroll.

-And a championship, son. -Right.

Look, we don't get to see you that much.

I'm sorry this turned into a whole thing.

Yeah, not our-- not our best visit.

Well, we should have known you might feel that way.

I remember how upset you were

when you had to take your pet guinea pig to the vet

and put him to sleep.

Hey, Mork still had some good years left.

He was blind,

and his kidneys were shot.

He had more time.

Look, we gotta start boarding in, like, 20 minutes.

I don't want to leave without getting this settled.

All right, I'm gonna work with you here.

What are you most uncomfortable with?

I mean, we're not married to all of these.

I don't know, how about like, like this one here.

"If I have no reasonable hope for normal functioning,

withhold life-sustaining treatment

including nutrition and hydration."

-"X" that one out. -We can't lose that.

We might as well throw out the whole thing.

What else?

All right, then, fine. How about this one?

"Turning off the respirator."

Nah, your mother's got her heart set on that one.

Well, you're not workin' with me here.

Hey, don't yell at me, Dougie.

This wasn't my idea in the first place.

What are you-- what are you sayin'?

I'm sayin' this is really your mother's baby.

Do you even want to do this?

I guess I could go either way,

but it'd be a whole big thing with your mother.

So, you'd rather die

instead of having an awkward conversation with mom?

I just don't want any trouble.

I'm sorry we dragged you out to hear a Heffernan fight.

I'm sure you had much better things to do with your day.

Oh, no. It's-- it's--it's--it's--

it's, uh, it's...

no, no, no, no.

Mom, dad has something to say to you.

I do not.

Tell her what you said back there.

I told him you grow more beautiful

with each passing year.

DOUG: No, no.

He said he doesn't want a living will.

He doesn't want to do this.

-You said that? -I said nothing of the kind.

I very much wanna die.

No, he doesn't. Look, I'm not signin' it,

and you can't make me.

Oh, hey, guys, I made it.

Hey, kiddo.

What's goin' on?

Mom and dad want me to kill 'em.

What?

We simply want your brother

to sign a little piece of paper

in case we ever get very sick. Hello.

Am I supposed to sign it, too?

Actually, no, honey. Just Doug.

Well, why just Doug?

We only needed one of you to sign it.

Then, why don't I just sign it?

Well, because we just wanted Doug to sign it.

Honey, you know, he's married.

He's settled. We know where he is.

And you don't know where I am?

[LAUGHS] Oh, it's just that first you're in Buffalo,

and--and--and-- and then,

you're back here in Queens, and, uh...

It's called moving. I did it once.

Honey, it's just if you were married and settled down

or even had a boyfriend

or a partner of some sort.

What is that supposed to mean?

Darling, you're a single girl

wearing a referee's costume.

What are we supposed to think?

JOE: Look, it's her life. Let her do what she wants.

Please let me sign this.

You're not signin' it.

This is so typical.

Doug got the bedroom in the attic.

Doug got the car.

Doug gets to pull the plug.

He gets to do everything.

Joe, it's obvious we're not gonna settle this

in the next 10 minutes.

Let's take that later flight.

Doug, I have a 6:00 manicure with Denise.

She's very hard to get.

Let Steph sign it.

-No. -Come on, Doug.

This could be good for her.

Throw her a bone.

No.

Joe, see if you can change our flight, would you?

You know what? You know, let me--

let me--let me--let me-- yeah, let me do this.

You guys, you keep talkin'.

You're makin' progress here.

Oh, okay. Thank you, honey.

No problem. Later flight comin' up.

You're goin'. Oh, you're goin' now.

How about this? How about we put these papers away

for 10, 15 years,

and then I'll be happy to sign 'em.

I'm ready to sign them anytime.

Just back off, Steph.

Well, we're not goin' anywhere

until this is settled.

I hope Carrie's gettin' somewhere

with the other flight.

Come on, Doug. We love you.

We ask so little of you. It's just a piece of paper.

-Do us a favor. -No. I'm not signin' it.

-Just sign it! -Nuh-uh.

Why are you making this such a big, giant thing?

Because--I don't know.

I mean, all of a sudden, everything's different.

What do you mean?

Look at you, Dad.

I mean, your hair's totally gray.

You're not even using Just For Men anymore.

It's like you don't care.

And mom, real lemons in the lemon squares?

Why would you ever mess with that?

Well, Doug,

things can't stay the same forever.

I know. I...

Look at that.

Just a second ago that was me, huh?

Remember that?

This guy right here was me.

Remember my face, my pudgy, little

pie-stained-from- McDonald's face.

Remember the chunkiness?

Where did it go?

Look, we're just trying to go to Disney World.

That's so great. See?

Get him a hat.

[SIGHS] you really--

you really want me to sign it?

Yes, we do.

All right. Give me the papers.

I'll sign it.

Thank you, dear.

Yeah, but you're gonna go back to using

fake juice in the lemon squares, right?

-You got it. -All right,

'cause that's a deal breaker.

I come bearing gifts!

DOUG: What?

As patriarch of the Spooner-Heffernan clan,

I thought I'd commemorate the time we spent together,

no strings attached.

Arthur, you didn't have to.

It was totally unnecessary.

For Janet,

the largest big apple snow globe on the market.

Well, thank you.

-And for Joe... -Yeah.

Lady liberty in 2 sizes.

Whatever works for your decor.

And you can duke it out over an assortment

of refreshing velamints, a sparkle pen,

and the latest page-turner from Mr. Ken Follett.

Well, thank you, Arthur.

That's what you spent the 100 bucks on?

That was my birthday gift.

Wait. You bought all these

with the money we gave to Doug?

So it's like we bought our own gifts?

Oh, that's funny!

-Ha ha ha! -Well, thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Janet.

Son of a bitch!

Bad news.

I cannot get you guys on the later flight,

and I fought with the man.

He was very rude.

Everything is fine.

Doug signed the papers. We're good to go.

Oh, well, good. Then it all worked out.

Okay. We should board if we want an overhead bin.

We're already on the bubble.

Sorry about all this, kitten.

-Oh. Good-bye, Dad. -It was great to see you.

Well.

Yep.

I love you, baby.

Sorry I got upset. I just love you both so much.

Okay, people. Let's put wings on this crate of crap.

Bye-bye, darling.

Bye, baby.

Flight 714 has been delayed

due to congestion in Montreal.

We'll keep you updated as we get more information.

-Thank you. -Huh!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[JOE SIGHS]

So, what else?

JOE: Hold the guinea pig higher, Doug.

Okay. It's October 3rd, 1978,

and we're presenting Doug and his sidekick Mork.

I love you, Mork. I love you.

[CHANTING] Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Okay, Dougie. -Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Calm down, Dougie. -Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Dougie. -Eat a pellet, make--

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]