All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E21 - Departure Time WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

SINGER: * My eyes
are gettin' weary*

* My back is
gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life*

* I will be drivin' home
to you*

DOUG: Today? Really?
That's great!

3:00? Yeah, sure,
you know what, no problem.

We're wide open today.

No, we're not.

You know what,
don't worry about it.

It's no problem.

Doug, who are
you talking to?

Look--look we want to see you.
We're coming.

Doug! Hello!

It's fine, yup. Okay.

Pay attention to me!

Got it. Okay, bye, mom.

Ooh!

Nice job. Now I'm
gonna hear her voice

every time I see those.

So, am I getting

your parents are coming
out here today?

Yeah, yeah, they're flying
to Montreal for a wedding,

and it turns out they got
a 45-minute layover

at JFK, so we're gonna
drive out and see them.

Well, Doug, even if I wasn't
really busy today,

that sounds like
a big pain in the ass.

Hey, come on,
it's my parents!

I know, and I love them,
believe me.

It's just to drive
there, find parking,

a 45-minute visit's
gonna take 4 hours.

A 4-hour inconvenience
with my parents,

as opposed to
in my house always.

Doug, you may have never
made a better point.

Yeah. Dad, we're
gonna have to move

your haircut appointment
today. I'm sorry.

What? Why?

Doug's parents are
coming into town.

Well, well, well,
stop the world.

The Heffernans
have deigned

to grace us
with their presence.

Would you stop?

They're
very nice people.

Yeah, well, I'm down here
in the trenches

doing the heavy lifting
of parenting,

then they waltz
into town

and get all the glory.

Yes, you're
an unsung hero.

DOUG: Come on,
I want to meet them

when they get off
the plane.

I can't believe
you made me

change my haircut
appointment.

Dad, we are
taking you there

right after this,
and listen,

you're not
the only one

who had
to move stuff, okay?

I had to change
my manicure to 6:00,

and I had to
cancel the toes.

All right?
So suck it up.

We are doing this
for Doug's parents.

Yeah, well,
while we're at it,

why don't we tweak
the earth's axis

to make the weather
more pleasant for them.

Uh!

Think my mom will
bring us lemon squares?

Has she ever not?

Nah.

Nah, she always does.

Just gonna get a drink of water.

Come on, Arthur,
can't you grab it later?

ARTHUR: Hold your horses,
I'm thirsty.

What the hell just happened?

Oh, that was good water.

Check it! Make him check it.

All right, guy, you know what
it's not working, guy.

You gotta... it's too big.
You gotta check it.

You gotta check the bag.

No, you gotta check it.

You gotta check it.

All right, here you go.

Sorry.

Oh, good, the doors
aren't even open yet.

See? We didn't
miss bupkes.

The hurrier you go,
the behinder you gets.

[SIGHS]

Can I borrow
that pen?

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Just shutee
and watchee.

Thanks. Nyah?

Hey, not gonna
lie to you, Doug.

It's borderline
embarrassing.

You kidding me?

This is gonna
go over huge.

Is that them?

Nope.

Arm hurts!

You know, it's okay
to let this thing go.

It's gonna be hilarious.

JANET:
Carrie, Doug, Arthur!

-CARRIE: Hi.
-Excuse me,

are you
"Mom and Dad"?

What's this for?

It's like when
you get a limo.

-You got a limo?
-Oh, Doug,

I hope
you didn't get a limo.

We got a connecting
flight, remember?

You told him it was
just a layover, right?

-Well, of course I did!
-JOE: Why do you waste a $100

-on a limo?
-I didn't get one.

Darling, we just
don't have the time.

Okay, okay, here's what's
going on here.

Doug thought
it would be cute

to pretend he was
a limo driver.

There's no car,
everything's fine,

the joke didn't land,

so let's all just
hug and say hi now.

Oh, my baby!

JOE: Good to see you,
Dougie boy!

[LAUGHS]
Hello, Arthur.

I brought
a couple of goodies

from the Sunshine State.

There's a little
somethin' for everyone.

Oh, that's so nice.

For Carrie,

from my favorite store
at the Boca Mall.

Oh, this is great.

Okay, I'll just wear both.
Here we go. Thank you.

So, uh, why aren't I
eating a lemon square?

Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.

I forgot.

Just kiddin'.

[ALL LAUGH]

Don't do that, okay?
Come on, gimme one.

-After lunch.
-Gimme 'em.

Hey, hey, good
to see you, Spooner.

-Heffernan.
-Got a little something

for you, too.
Real deal.

[SNIFFS]
Cubano.

Enjoy it, on me.

And so it begins.

Think your sister's
gonna make it?

Oh, she said she'd try.

She's, uh, reffin'
a girl's soccer game.

Oh, that's a good way
to meet a man.

Well, since we don't
have much time,

-Oh.
-Yes,

the dreaded
"to do" file.

Just a couple of things.

We're not gonna see you
on your birthday,

so we got you
an early card.

Happy 30-bump-bump.

Hey! A $100 bill.

Mmm. Hey,
much nicer than the 50

you gave me last year.

I told you
we only gave him 50.

Ah, too late.
This is now the minimum.

So, come on. How about giving me
a lemon square, huh?

Well, just one.

I don't want to spoil
your appetite.

Yet to happen.

Something's--
something's different.

Oh, since we're now
in Florida,

I'm using real lemons

instead of that
fake bottled stuff.

Hmm.

What's the matter
with you?

I wasn't told
there'd be gift-giving.

Dad, it was just
a nice gesture.

Yeah, well, I'm familiar
with that gesture.

It means I'm nothing
and they're aristocrats.

Joe owned
a hardware store.

Did you see how he shoved
that cigar down my pocket?

Like he was tipping
a bellhop.

I can't even stand
looking at it.

All right, well, great,
now you don't have to.

What else here?

Oh, this cartoon reminded me
of you, sweetie.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You see? The dog
is driving a truck

just like you do.

Oh, yeah. I'll put it
with the others.

Well, what,
uh, what is this?

Oh, just some papers
we need you to sign.

A living will?

It just says if ever
there's a problem

that you shouldn't
use any artificial means

to keep your dad
and me alive.

Is there a reason the cartoon
is attached to it, or...

No, I was just
savin' a staple.

You sign right here
beside the sticker,

and then you initial
right there,

next to the section
about comas.

Uh-huh.

Oh, we'd better
go to the bathroom

before the food comes.

How do you know
I have to go?

I'm sure
you have to go.

She's right.

ARTHUR: Those Heffernans--
always trying to show me up.

You know when it started,
don't you?

The day I let them
pay for your wedding.

Dad, don't start
with that now, please.

You were out of a job.

They did
a very nice thing.

Yes, but did it have
to be so lavish?

Oh, sure. Everybody's gotta have
a glass of champagne.

Okay.

You already
made your feelings

very clear on
our wedding video.

Well, they're not
the only ones

who can give
flashy gifts.

Dad, you don't have
to buy them anything.

Yes, I do.
Today, I even the score,

although I am
a bit short on cash.

Darling,
uh, would you mind

floatin' me over
a few balloons?

-No.
-Come on!

No. Dad, I--I am paying
for the food,

and the rest
I'm saving

for something
not insane.

Fine. I gave you life,
but whatever.

Douglas, quick.

I need to borrow
some cash.

I only got, like,
10 bucks on me.

Well, what have we here,
a c-note?

Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.

As you know,
I'm good for it.

Okay, there goes
a crap-load of burgers.

Hey, where is everyone?

Look at this thing.

Look what my parents
gave me to sign.

Look at that.

-A living will?
-Yeah, look at this.

I get to be "the conservator
of their person,"

which basically means,

if they stub their toe,
I fly in and waste 'em.

All right, calm down.
You know what?

We do these at the law firm
all the time.

It's actually
a good idea.

It's a terrible idea.
Look at this.

Look, they checked

"do not resuscitate"
on everything.

It's like they can't
die fast enough.

Doug, it's not
that they want to die,

it's just that they're trying
to plan for the future.

You know,
on the off chance

that they're ever
in a...

-vegetative state.
-Vegetative state?

They were just supposed
to bring me lemon squares.

Okay, I know
this is stressful,

but it's
what they want.

Did you, uh, sign one of these
for your dad?

Actually,
he checked "yes"

to anything they could do
to keep him alive.

I think he even wrote in
something about freezing his
head.

Hello, my good man.

I'm in the market
for some high-end gifts.

Give me your
most expensive whiskey

and your finest perfume.

All rightie, comin' up.

"International
duty free shop."

So, tell me.
Are we currently

standing
on American soil,

or are we in some sort
of borderless limbo?

Uh, it's America.

That'll be $423.

Uh-huh, okay, plan B.

Let's go down to your fourth
best in both categories.

Sure...

and what flight
are you on?

That's none
of your affair.

But you can't
buy duty free

unless you're on an
international flight.

I see. Well,
in that case,

I'm on B.O.A.C.,
flight one,

en route
to Constantinople.

I'll need
to see a ticket.

I must have left it
in my attaché case.

I'm sorry. I can't sell this
to you without a ticket.

Let me ask you this...

were I traveling abroad, what
would my total have been?

$97.50.

I have in my hand a crisp
one-hundred dollar bill.

What if I left the change on the
counter and just walked away,
huh?

Come on, it's a $300
travel voucher,

and we still
get there.

I don't want to do it.

-What's goin' on?
-Oh, they overbooked

the flight to Montreal,

now, they're offering
to bump people

onto the next flight,

and they
hand us free money.

It's ridiculous.
We're flying to a wedding.

We're not gonna miss
the rehearsal dinner.

I don't give a crap about
this girl's rehearsal dinner.

I'd much rather spend
the next 4 hours

right here
with you kids.

Cool.

Oh, I don't know.

What do you two think?

Mmm, actually,
you know what?

Rehearsal dinners
are very important.

A friend missed ours,
and I--I really hate her now.

Thank you.

Fine.

Did you sign
the papers yet, honey?

Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna hold on to these

and have my guy
take a look at 'em.

You have a guy now?

Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.

-What is he, a lawyer?
-Kinda.

You always use our guy.

When did you get a guy?

Actually, I've had one
for a while now.

What's the matter
with Dan?

I've known Dan
for 27 years.

What am I gonna
tell Dan when he asks?

I don't care
what you tell Dan, okay?

You know, you fly in here
on a 45-minute layover,

and you spring your
death warrants on me,

stapled to
a "Wizard of Id" cartoon.

I mean, this--this is crazy.
I'm not signing.

Enjoy your comas.

You're gonna be in them
for quite some time.

Aw, why couldn't
the Knicks get Shaq?

Boy, if they let me run
that team for one year...

Dad, if you ran the team,
there'd be 87 players

and $1 billion payroll.

-And a championship, son.
-Right.

Look, we don't get
to see you that much.

I'm sorry this turned
into a whole thing.

Yeah, not our--
not our best visit.

Well, we should have known
you might feel that way.

I remember
how upset you were

when you had to take your pet
guinea pig to the vet

and put
him to sleep.

Hey, Mork still had
some good years left.

He was blind,

and his kidneys
were shot.

He had more time.

Look, we gotta start boarding
in, like, 20 minutes.

I don't want to leave
without getting this settled.

All right, I'm gonna
work with you here.

What are you most
uncomfortable with?

I mean, we're not married
to all of these.

I don't know, how about
like, like this one here.

"If I have no reasonable hope
for normal functioning,

withhold life-sustaining
treatment

including nutrition
and hydration."

-"X" that one out.
-We can't lose that.

We might as well throw out
the whole thing.

What else?

All right, then, fine.
How about this one?

"Turning off
the respirator."

Nah, your mother's got
her heart set on that one.

Well, you're not
workin' with me here.

Hey, don't yell
at me, Dougie.

This wasn't my idea
in the first place.

What are you--
what are you sayin'?

I'm sayin' this is really
your mother's baby.

Do you even
want to do this?

I guess I could
go either way,

but it'd be a whole big thing
with your mother.

So, you'd rather die

instead of having an awkward
conversation with mom?

I just don't want
any trouble.

I'm sorry we dragged you out
to hear a Heffernan fight.

I'm sure you had much better
things to do with your day.

Oh, no. It's--
it's--it's--it's--

it's, uh, it's...

no, no, no, no.

Mom, dad has something
to say to you.

I do not.

Tell her what
you said back there.

I told him
you grow more beautiful

with each passing year.

DOUG: No, no.

He said he doesn't
want a living will.

He doesn't
want to do this.

-You said that?
-I said nothing of the kind.

I very much wanna die.

No, he doesn't.
Look, I'm not signin' it,

and you can't make me.

Oh, hey, guys, I made it.

Hey, kiddo.

What's goin' on?

Mom and dad
want me to kill 'em.

What?

We simply
want your brother

to sign a little
piece of paper

in case we ever get
very sick. Hello.

Am I supposed
to sign it, too?

Actually, no, honey.
Just Doug.

Well, why just Doug?

We only needed
one of you to sign it.

Then, why don't
I just sign it?

Well, because we just
wanted Doug to sign it.

Honey, you know,
he's married.

He's settled.
We know where he is.

And you don't know
where I am?

[LAUGHS] Oh, it's just that
first you're in Buffalo,

and--and--and--
and then,

you're back here
in Queens, and, uh...

It's called moving.
I did it once.

Honey, it's just if you were
married and settled down

or even
had a boyfriend

or a partner
of some sort.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Darling,
you're a single girl

wearing a referee's
costume.

What are we
supposed to think?

JOE: Look, it's her life.
Let her do what she wants.

Please let me sign this.

You're not signin' it.

This is so typical.

Doug got the bedroom
in the attic.

Doug got the car.

Doug gets
to pull the plug.

He gets to do everything.

Joe, it's obvious we're
not gonna settle this

in the next 10 minutes.

Let's take
that later flight.

Doug, I have a 6:00
manicure with Denise.

She's very hard to get.

Let Steph sign it.

-No.
-Come on, Doug.

This could be
good for her.

Throw her a bone.

No.

Joe, see if you can
change our flight, would you?

You know what?
You know, let me--

let me--let me--let me--
yeah, let me do this.

You guys,
you keep talkin'.

You're makin'
progress here.

Oh, okay.
Thank you, honey.

No problem.
Later flight comin' up.

You're goin'.
Oh, you're goin' now.

How about this? How about
we put these papers away

for 10, 15 years,

and then I'll be
happy to sign 'em.

I'm ready to sign them
anytime.

Just back off, Steph.

Well, we're not
goin' anywhere

until this
is settled.

I hope Carrie's
gettin' somewhere

with the other
flight.

Come on, Doug.
We love you.

We ask so little of you.
It's just a piece of paper.

-Do us a favor.
-No. I'm not signin' it.

-Just sign it!
-Nuh-uh.

Why are you making this
such a big, giant thing?

Because--I don't know.

I mean, all of a sudden,
everything's different.

What do you mean?

Look at you, Dad.

I mean, your hair's
totally gray.

You're not even using
Just For Men anymore.

It's like you don't care.

And mom, real lemons
in the lemon squares?

Why would you
ever mess with that?

Well, Doug,

things can't stay
the same forever.

I know. I...

Look at that.

Just a second ago
that was me, huh?

Remember that?

This guy right here
was me.

Remember my face,
my pudgy, little

pie-stained-from-
McDonald's face.

Remember
the chunkiness?

Where did it go?

Look, we're just trying
to go to Disney World.

That's so great.
See?

Get him a hat.

[SIGHS]
you really--

you really
want me to sign it?

Yes, we do.

All right.
Give me the papers.

I'll sign it.

Thank you, dear.

Yeah, but you're gonna
go back to using

fake juice in the lemon
squares, right?

-You got it.
-All right,

'cause that's
a deal breaker.

I come bearing gifts!

DOUG: What?

As patriarch of the
Spooner-Heffernan clan,

I thought I'd commemorate
the time we spent together,

no strings attached.

Arthur, you
didn't have to.

It was totally
unnecessary.

For Janet,

the largest big apple
snow globe on the market.

Well, thank you.

-And for Joe...
-Yeah.

Lady liberty in 2 sizes.

Whatever works
for your decor.

And you can duke it out
over an assortment

of refreshing velamints,
a sparkle pen,

and the latest page-turner
from Mr. Ken Follett.

Well, thank you,
Arthur.

That's what you spent
the 100 bucks on?

That was my birthday gift.

Wait.
You bought all these

with the money
we gave to Doug?

So it's like
we bought our own gifts?

Oh,
that's funny!

-Ha ha ha!
-Well, thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Janet.

Son of a bitch!

Bad news.

I cannot get you guys
on the later flight,

and I fought
with the man.

He was very rude.

Everything is fine.

Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.

Oh, well, good.
Then it all worked out.

Okay. We should board
if we want an overhead bin.

We're already
on the bubble.

Sorry about all this,
kitten.

-Oh. Good-bye, Dad.
-It was great to see you.

Well.

Yep.

I love you, baby.

Sorry I got upset.
I just love you both so much.

Okay, people. Let's put wings
on this crate of crap.

Bye-bye, darling.

Bye, baby.

Flight 714
has been delayed

due to congestion
in Montreal.

We'll keep you updated
as we get more information.

-Thank you.
-Huh!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[JOE SIGHS]

So, what else?

JOE: Hold the guinea pig
higher, Doug.

Okay. It's October 3rd, 1978,

and we're presenting Doug
and his sidekick Mork.

I love you, Mork.
I love you.

[CHANTING]
Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Okay, Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Calm down, Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

Eat a pellet, make a pellet.

-JOE: Dougie.
-Eat a pellet, make--

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]