Original subtitles

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home to you*

No, sweetie, it's no problem.

We can come pick you up.

Yeah. Okay. We'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

What are you doing?

The other day, I cut out a coupon

to super-size your popcorn for free at the movies,

and now I don't know what I did with it.

Well, we have to leave in a minute,

so you may have to kiss that dream good-bye.

Why don't you just pay for whatever popcorn you want?

No. You're gonna pressure me to get a medium.

If I have the coupon, it's out of our hands.

Who was that on the phone?

Uh, that was Kelly. She's coming with us tonight.

Oh, really?

What? Would you rather she sit at home alone

depressed that she and Deacon are separated?

I wouldn't say rather.

Well, she is coming, so back it down.

Look, you know I feel bad that they're not together.

You know I do. It's just

this threesome thing is just brutal.

They always seat you at a table for 4,

and then they whip away that extra napkin

and silverware. It's very upsetting to me.

Really? You didn't seem that upset 2 nights ago

when we went out with just Deacon.

It was a buffet.

We've gone out with Deacon alone,

and now we're going out with Kelly alone.

They're both our friends.

Can we just be honest here, please?

Kelly is your friend, Deacon is my friend.

Why can't we just say it out loud?

Okay. Yes. Kelly is my friend.

She is my bestfriend, okay?

And you are lucky that I even agree

to go out with Deacon at all.

Okay? This whole separation

is all his fault. Am I wrong?

Tell me. Huh? Huh? Huh?

All right, let's not have that fight again.

Last time we did, you yelled a lot and scared me.

But you did say that it was good that he agreed

to go to counseling to work things out.

Didn't you? Huh? You did say that, huh? Huh?

-Yes, that's true. -Yeah!

Yeah! Doesn't feel so good

when the huhs turn against you, does it?

All right, come on, we're gonna be late.

So tuck or suck something in there, and let's go.

I'm gonna tuck.

Oh, and by the way, here's your coupon.

And it's expired.

Son of a b!

I'm gonna try it anyway. If they say anything,

I'll pretend I didn't notice.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hi. -Hey, Kel.

'Sup, guys.

Deac, you're here.

What? Did you guys, like, work things out?

No, Deacon's just here watching the kids

while we go out.

Oh. Well, that's great, too,

'cause, I mean, together or apart,

you two are both great.

Like lamb chops and mint jelly.

Actually, mint jelly on it's own, hmmm, not so great.

I'm not saying which one of you is mint jelly

and which one of you is a lamb chop--

Okay, honey, why don't you suck on one of these?

I'm gonna do that.

So, Kel, what movie do you want to see?

I don't know. I kinda wanna see something mindless,

like, uh, what's that thriller

where the earth is losing its gravitational pull?

Oh, Floaters.Yeah, I'll see that. Okay, honey?

Everything on the planet is floating up into space?

What part of me would not want to see that movie?

I thought we said we were gonna see that together.

Oh, right. He's right.

Can we see something else?

I kinda really want to see Floaters,though.

Yeah. Me, too.

Guy?

Just see it with them.

Okay. But I'm gonna name my popcorn Deacon.

Sweet.

All right, look, I'm just gonna take

the kids back to Spence's.

Put 'em to bed by 8:00.

Kel, I know when to put my kids to bed.

-Just reminding you. -No, you're just implying

I don't know how to take care of my own kids.

Well, I guess since you refuse

to go to counseling, I just assume

that you really don't care about much of anything.

An earth with no gravity, huh?

I wonder if they can get me up.

Wait a minute. You guys are not going

to counseling anymore?

Apparently Deacon doesn't think

it's the best way for us to solve our problems.

The therapist is a woman

whose husband cheated on her.

Yeah, Deacon wants to find a therapist

who's in favor of infidelity.

I never touched Angie, all right?

We had dinner a few times, and it's over,

and I said I made a mistake, okay?

We don't need a therapist

to tell us the exact same thing.

You guys hate to miss the previews as much as I do?

DOUG: How beautiful was that?

I hand the girl a strategically folded coupon,

hiding the expiration date,

she hands me a super-sized popcorn.

Yeah, way to go.

You outsmarted a 13-year-old girl

with an eye patch.

Oh, my God. Bill! Mickey!

Carrie. Hey, how are ya?

Good, everything's good.

Bill and Mickey designed the whole computer systems

for our office. This is my husband Doug

and my friend Kelly.

-Hi. -Nice to meet you.

So, computers. I hear they just boil down

to a series of ones and zeroes.

Yeah, pretty much.

I don't know how that means I can get naked women

on my screen, but God bless you people.

Should we decide who gets this armrest now

or just let it be a free-for-all

once the movie starts?

Well, you know, I got pretty sharp nails,

and I'm not afraid to use 'em.

It's all you.

I'm going to blow this up, see?

This is an air mattress.

This is where you're gonna sleep.

It's like sleeping on a raft.

Why are you living here?

It's a raft!

All right, look...

Here's the thing...

I have to stay here for a while because mommy and I are...

taking a time out.

Will you move back home tomorrow?

[STAMMERS] I... uh...

Fish sticks are served!

God bless you.

Yeah. I want you to be careful

'cause this plate is piping hot,

and some Cheerios for your little brother.

[BABY TALK]

So, what were we talking about?

I don't like it here. And I miss Mommy.

Hmm.

Uh, do you mind if I--

Go ahead.

Kirby, I could never replace your mommy, and...

I would never want to.

But I live with your daddy now,

and I think if we try really hard,

we can build a relationship

that's completely our own.

Hey! You could think of me

as your step-Spence.

Or your guy-mom.

What have I done?

Well, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen.

I know, and the ending was so lame!

There's no gravity so they build a roof

over the entire world? I mean, come on.

Yeah, it sucked. Definitely sucked.

Hey, look at that, bulk candy.

Finally I decide how much I want.

I'm gonna go hit the bathroom.

Ooh, you know what? I'm gonna stop off, too.

It was very nice meeting you.

Yes, it was a pleasure to meet you, too, Kelly.

Kelly. More like smelly, am I right?

You know, I was gonna ask you. Um, she available?

I mean, what's her situation?

She's married.

Actually, she's separated.

No, she's not.

I mean, she is, but it's like,

if your favorite plate breaks,

the 2 halves are separated,

but all you really need is some Krazy Glue.

Yes, but until that plate gets fixed,

then you maybe need to eat on a new plate for a while.

Especially when one half of the old plate refuses to go to counseling.

You know what I'm saying, Bill?

No, he doesn't know what you're saying,

because I'm sure he, like most people,

has Krazy Glue in the house and knows it dries pretty much instantly.

Okay, I guess what we're saying is

we don't exactly know where she's at.

Okay, well, if she decides to get back out there,

here's my card, and you just have her call me.

Okay. Great.

Actually, I'll see you next week.

I gotta come in and de-bug your system.

All right. Well, I'll see you then.

-Okay now. -Okay, bye.

Yeah, better de-bug your attitude, friend.

Pardon?

What's up?

Nothing.

Come on, let's go.

Hon? This way.

Yeah, FYI, super-size gets free refills.

DOUG: I just don't see how you could do that.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't even give her the card.

You set them up!

I introduced them, okay?

They were sitting right next to each other.

I also introduced you.

Does that mean I'm setting you up

with the little one?

Okay, first of all,

the little one has a name.

I'm not sure what it is, but he has one.

And it was very clear what was going on there.

You're still mad at Deacon,

and you're trying to help Kelly get back at him.

Well, okay. Maybe that's true.

But why shouldn't she date?

He had his chance.

I knew it! Women hate men!

Why do you hate us so much?

Is it 'cause we can pee standing up?

Oh, that makes you crazy, doesn't it?

Who brings a bucket of popcorn home from the movies?

I mean, who does this?

Someone who thinks when you're allowed

to get a free refill, you get your free refill.

It's called good money management.

What are you lookin' at that for?

You're not actually thinking

of giving her the guy's card, are you?

I'm thinking about it, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay.

Can I, uh, can I see it?

Well, come on.

Let me hold it. Come on.

-You're gonna rip it up! -I'm not gonna rip it up.

I just wanna see his title and stuff.

I wanna see what kind of guy's interested in Kelly.

She's my friend, too, you know.

Come on. I promise I won't rip it.

Are you gonna eat it?

Hey, I'm a grown man.

I'm not gonna eat the guy's card.

Okay.

Here you go.

-I can still rip it. -Stop!

You cannot set Kelly up!

That would be like, like incest.

How is that like incest?

Okay. Obviously, you don't know what incest means.

No. Obviously...

you don't know what incest means.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, babe. You all right?

KELLY: Yeah, I'm sorry if I was a downer tonight.

No, no, no. You were great.

I don't mean this as anything against you guys,

but it kinda sucks being the third wheel.

You know what? Hang on one second, okay?

KELLY: Okay.

[BEEP]

-I wanna tell her about the guy. -No!

Doug, she is feeling really down.

I wanna give her an ego boost.

No, no. Maybe she's just shaken

over the harsh reality

that earth could lose its gravitational pull.

I'm telling her.

-Kel? -KELLY: Yeah?

You know Bill, the guy you met at the movies tonight?

Yeah, he thinks you're ugly!

He's gay! He's gay, he's gay!

Stop!

Uh, when you were in the bathroom--

Okay, you know what? You do that and I swear

I will dump your whole makeup case

into the trash. I'll do it.

He actually asked if you were available.

He did?

Bye-bye.

I'll fish that out.

Man, these pigs in blankets are incredible.

Thanks, man.

You know, I glazed the wieners with brown sugar

with just a touch of chili powder to awaken peoples hidden appetite.

I'm uncomfortable, but eating anyway.

Hey, guy.

Hey, the kids are here.

What a surprise. What's up?

Kelly asked me to baby-sit at the last minute. Is that cool?

What, are you kidding? I don't have to finish

building Lego City by myself.

Yeah, come on.

And here's my little major buh-buh,

you're so crazy. Ha ha ha!

Come on.

It's weird, man. I mean...

Kelly said she was going out somewhere

but she wouldn't say with who.

Pssh. Women.

Hey, come on, man. Let's watch the Knick game.

Hey, look, white guy.

They're funny.

Wait.

You know who she's with, don't you?

Me? No.

[SOFTLY] No.

No...

[SIGHS] Sh-she might be out on a date.

Oh, man, I knew it!

Well, who is it? How'd she meet him?

Actually, Carrie knows the guy.

We ran into him last week at the movies.

Floaters.Not worth your time, by the way.

I can't believe this.

You set my wife up on a date?

No, no! I tried to stop it!

Oh, man!

Come on, guy, just relax, all right?

So she's out with some loser.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

He could have sex with my wife.

Okay. Right. Yeah.

Okay, but then you know what?

You never slept with that other woman.

So if Kelly sleeps with this guy,

she'd be in the wrong,

and that gives you the upper hand.

Slap it high!

Look, who's the guy, man?

He's just some guy. Your basic guy.

Come on, man. I gotta know.

All right, his name is Bill.

Bill. What kind of name is that? Bill.

What's that short for? William?

You know what he does?

I think he designs computer systems

or something lame like that.

What does he look like?

Nothing special.

I mean, you wouldn't even give him a second look

if he wasn't dating your wife.

Oh, man! Where'd they go?

I gotta get a look at him.

No, guy, that's a bad idea!

And anyway, I don't know where they are!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -Hey, babycakes.

CARRIE [OVER PHONE]: Hi, sweetie, how's the game?

It's good. It's good.

I just, uh... just wanted to call and say hi.

So, uh, tonight's Kelly's date, right?

-Yeah. -I was thinkin' about it,

and maybe it is a good thing.

Maybe it'll help her think things through about Deac.

CARRIE [OVER PHONE]: Really, honey?

Well, I'm glad you came around.

Yeah. Me, too. Me, too.

So where'd they go, anyway?

I think they were just going to a movie at the Loyola.

Oh. Great. Thanks.

For what?

What do you mean, thanks?

I, uh, I mean, uh...

thanks for bein' the best damn thing

that ever happened to me.

Wait a minute!

You're with Deacon.

DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Got another call. I love you.

Oh, God.

BILL: Then I went to St. John's to get my master's,

but I got sidetracked into this computer thing.

Oh, really? My husband-- I mean, my ex--

my, uh, separated--

Deacon.

Yeah. He went to St. John's.

God, I'm sorry I keep mentioning him.

I must be a real joy to be with.

It's okay.

Maybe for an encore, you can change my baby's diaper.

DOUG: I can't believe they made me buy a ticket to do this.

Oh. There they are.

Oh, all right, fine. Okay, you saw them.

Come on. Time to go.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I feel like I gotta do somethin'.

-What can you do? -I don't know, man.

Just seein' a guy, you know?

He's good-lookin'.

He designs computers.

I'm just a delivery guy. I'm a glorified donkey.

Hey, stop putting yourself down...

and me in the process.

Why don't you go in there and talk to her for me?

No. You can talk to her after the date.

I can't face her, man. Just go in there

and tell her I want to go back to counseling.

I just don't think that you--

no, please, man.

-For me? -Oh ...ah...

Excuse me. I gotta get back in there. Thanks.

Sorry. Sorry.

Ah, that was your foot right there. Sorry.

Kelly.

Doug, what are you doing here?

I just had to-- hi, Bill.

Deacon dragged me down here to find you.

What?

Yeah. He wants me to tell you

that he really wants to go back to counseling.

You can tell him I'm having a great time

and that just 'cause he's jealous

doesn't mean he can come down here

and try and make everything okay.

-Go tell him that! -All right!

Sorry again.

Oh, look out.

XXL.

She said just 'cause you're jealous you can't just run

in there and think that everything's gonna be okay.

Well, tell her that...

tell her I'm sorry.

Tell her I miss her.

I miss the way she puts ice in her soup

and moves her lips slightly when she reads.

I miss the way she puts on my robe to go get the mail.

Man, I just want to tell her I love her

every night before we go to sleep again.

That's gonna be way better comin' from you.

Come on. Just go.

Hey, sorry. Very last time.

Believe me. I know. I know I would be mad

at me at this point.

Hey, you!

Get outta there!

Excuse me.

Go away. Go away.

Shoo! I'm very sorry.

Listen, Deacon wanted me to tell you--

Doug, leave them alone.

I just have one more thing to say from Deacon.

You know what, I should probably just go.

Bill, you know what, Bill, just sit down

and eat your peanut chews.

I can't believe you brought him down here.

He wanted to come, he's my friend, I'm sorry.

This is the last thing that Kelly needs right now.

-You guys-- -Shh!

Let me just get this out.

He said he misses you

and he loves the way you eat soup

and the way you wear his robe when you go to get the mail,

and you--you do something weird with your lips

when you read...

but in a good way.

Bottom line-- yeah, you know what? Fine.

He came down here because he was jealous,

but it took that to make him realize

how much he loves you

and how he wants to tell you that every night

for the rest of his life.

You know what, Bill? Maybe you should go.

Yeah.

This was fun.

Excuse me. Comin' through.

Oh, oh, oh! Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

You know, I'm having this thing with my computer.

It freezes up every-- you know what?

I'll call ya. I'll call ya.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you really mean what Doug said?

If he got it right, then--then, yeah.

You know what? We're gonna go.

Yeah. Come on, honey.

Come on. Let's go.

Sorry. Okay.

-All right. -Sorry about that.

All right.

So do you want to sit down and watch the movie?

Okay.

And then after that, I--I really wanna talk.

Okay.

Okay.

You know...

maybe we should...

Okay.

Ah, for God's sake, you took another expired coupon.

Are you stupid, or can you just not read a calendar?!

"Oh, I wonder what today is?

It's the 48th of January."

Sorry. Here.

Here's a king-size Kit Kat bar.

It's for free.

You know where might be a good place to eat that?

On the unemployment line!

Adios, patchy!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]