Original subtitles

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care *

* 'Cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive *

* Right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

Dad, for the third time, your dinner's ready!

ARTHUR: And for the third time,

I'm still shaving my ears!

Well, hurry up. You're gonna be late!

All right. Ready to rock when you are.

Oh, come on. You're wearing that?

What's wrong with my outfit?

Okay, outfit is an awfully big word

for what you've done here, my friend.

We're going to the circus. What, I gotta throw on a tux

to watch a clown light his ass on fire?

It's not a regular circus.

It's French. It's Cirque Du Soleil.

They have men with wings dancing in the air.

More like cirque de so gay.

And they have those female contortionists,

you know, that bend their legs

all the way around the back over the head.

See, that's where they lose me, right there.

-I need a little more distance between the sun and the moon. -All right.

All right. Let's get this over with.

Oh, Dad, you look great!

[LAUGHS] Just promise you won't bury me in this.

You're all over my clothes, but he gets to wear a shirt

with anchors and ukuleles on it?

Yes. I told you, I signed dad up

for that package of theme dances

at the senior center.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, the thing you told me

to act positive about in front of him.

Yes, I did say to be positive

because it is a good thing.

Ow!

Tonight's theme is Maui madness.

Well, I think you look great, Arthur.

I like the way the purple

brings out the veins in your legs.

What the hell do you call this, anyway?

I call it fish, like most people.

Is it too late to substitute something enjoyable?

Dad, your cholesterol is now, like, the low 700s.

Come on, the fish is good for you.

I don't care. I want bacon.

Oh, okay. You want bacon? I'll give you bacon.

Just make sure you wave hi to grandma

as you're going towards the light, okay?

Oh, my God. Doug, it's late.

Would you mind dropping dad off at the senior center

while I finish getting ready?

Mind? You kiddin' me? Between that

and the French circus, this is a dream night.

Okay, Dad, come on. Medicine time.

Okay...

red, yellow,

and big blue.

Good.

Ahh. There. Happy?

Take big blue.

I took it.

See?

Get it out of your sock and swallow it.

Yes, mein fuehrer!

Oh! I almost forgot something.

[GIDDY] Eee-yah!

Oh, Dad...

you look so adorable.

Okay, okay! Have a good time. Bye-bye.

Is there any chance I can use this

to hang myself?

[ELECTRIC PIANO PLAYING "ALOHA OE"]

Hey, hey.

The joint is really jumping.

Huh?

Look, there's your buddy Mickey.

Aloha!

Ready to hang 10?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's go.

All right, I'll see you in a few hours.

Bru-tal...

[ELECTRIC PIANO PLAYING "ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK"]

Hey! Daddy-O!

Howdy, partner!

Come on.

What is wrong with that man?

DOUG: So, it's outer space night, huh?

I like it a lot better than pajama party night.

I gotta be honest. I didn't expect

to see so many negligees.

I mean, there were a few secrets

Victoria should have kept to herself, am I right?

Pull over.

I'm sorry, what?

Pull the car over, Douglas.

Arthur, we're still six blocks away.

Do it.

Look, I think we're in a bus lane here.

Douglas, look me in the eye.

Hi.

You gotta help me out here.

I can't go to that place again.

I just can't.

Why not?

Have you taken a good look?

That place is like Death's greenroom.

Well, it's no hooters, I'll give you that.

But really, what is?

Listen to me.

I know this fellow named Chick.

He's hipped me to some clubs down at the docks.

Let me go down there tonight.

The docks?

What am I supposed to tell Carrie?

She doesn't have to know.

I'll be back at the center by 10:00.

Douglas, I'm beggin'.

There's a taxi stand at the corner.

Please give me back the night!

Go ahead. Go on. Get out of here.

Oh, thank you, friend!

So, you won't tell Carrie?

Tell Carrie what?

About our arrangement.

I know. I was just doing the thing

where I pretend to not even know what you're talking about.

-I don't follow you. -Just go. Just go. Just go.

Right. Right.

Wait... take off your antenna.

Boy, some of these people really went for it

with the space costumes, huh? [LAUGHS]

Oh, check out the guy with the oxygen tanks. [LAUGHS]

Actually, I think those are real.

Oh.

So where's my dad? Why hasn't he come out yet?

You know him. He's probably stealing some cookies or something.

CARRIE: Oh, hi, Mickey.

Hey, you're lookin' good there.

Oh, thank you.

If you ever get tired of big boy,

my planet needs women.

I'll let you know.

So, is my dad still in there?

He never showed up.

Funny story...

CARRIE: What the hell were you thinking?

He promised he'd be back by 10:00.

Yeah, well, he also promised

to wear underwear underneath his bathrobe,

and we know how that worked out, don't we?

All right, well, he's not at home,

and he didn't leave a message on the machine.

This is just great.

Will you relax, okay?

I know exactly where he is.

Oh, really? Would you mind telling me?

He's down by the, uh... you know, the, uh...

the docks.

The docks?

Oh, that sounds like a perfect place

for an old man with gout.

Where at the docks?

He didn't specify, but he did tell me

-who he was gonna be with. -Who?

A gentleman named Chick.

-Chick? -It's a nickname.

Probably short for... chicken.

I can't believe you let him run off.

God, what if something happened to him?

He can take care of himself. Will you stop worrying?

All right, now, we'll go down there,

we'll check out a few places,

and I'm sure we'll find him.

Don't forget to drop me off first.

Oh, we won't, Mickey. Where should I turn?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Well, I just moved in a couple of months ago.

Okay. Well, can you give me something?

A landmark?

I live next door to the Johnsons.

They're colored.

Okay.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, young lovers.

Attaboy, Arty.

Hey, Chicky!

-To life! -To love!

To the ladies.

I'll drink to that.

May I freshen your rusty nail, Enid?

You aren't going anywhere, fella.

I aims to please.

Hey, Carrie! He's in this one!

Hey, Douglas! Welcome!

I want you to meet the gang.

That's Chick and Monica...

-How do you do? -Hi, how are ya?

And this young lady is Enid.

Pleasure to meet ya.

A delightful morsel, am I right?

Oh, yes. She's very-- can I see you for a second, please?

What the hell's going on?

You were supposed to be back by 10:00.

And I will. What time is it now?

It's 1:30 in the morning!

Wow!

[SIGHS] Sorry, big guy. Truth is...

I have something marvelous going on with Enid.

-Enid, huh? -Yeah.

DOUG: She's not bad.

Kind of has that worldly, smoky quality.

So, can you buy me a little time?

I'm gonna level with you, Arthur--

-Dad? -We're dead men.

He's fine. I told you he was fine.

Dad-- Dad, what have you been doing?

I have been worried half out of my mind about you!

Any chance we can discuss this later, darling?

Maybe tomorrow?

Have you been drinking hard liquor?

I may have had a sip or two of a Rob Roy.

Why do you ask?

Because you have half a liver,

and you're on nine medications

that say, "Do not take with alcohol."

That's why I ask.

Wow, you weren't kidding, Arty.

Short leash.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Chick Dugan.

Who are you, his nurse?

No, I am his daughter,

and we are in the middle of a private conversation,

so why don't you go shake down the vending machines.

Ooh, excuse me.

That's why I like 'em post menopause.

I hear that.

Listen, darling, why don't you kids head for home--

Dad, don't be ridiculous.

It's almost 2:00 in the morning.

Now, we're going home.

Say good-bye to your friends.

I'll meet you in the car.

Come on, Arthur. We should get going.

Right.

Arty, take care of yourself.

You, too, kiddo.

DOUG: All right. Come on, partner. Let's go, huh?

Plenty more where that came from.

Sure.

The living room is filled with adventure.

Dad, come inside! What are you gonna do,

sleep in the car?

[ANGRY] Good night!

How dare you?

How dare me? How dare you?

No, how dare you?

How dare you?!

All right, let's just get the fight going.

You humiliated me in front of my friends.

I got news for you, sweetheart.

You're my daughter,

not the other way around!

Well, if you don't want to be treated like a child,

then don't act like one.

I did not act like a child!

Dad, you ran off, you didn't call,

you didn't leave a message, you were drinking,

and I gotta be honest with you, Dad,

okay, your date looked like a pro.

How dare you?

Okay, let's not backtrack.

I've got news for you, sweetheart.

Tonight was the first night I felt alive

since you dragged me into this house.

But you couldn't stand to see it, could you?

No! You had to hobble me like that fat broad in Misery.

I'm not trying to hobble you, Dad,

I am trying to look after you.

I care about you, that's all.

Douglas, I appeal to you.

Am I crazy, or did she spill my plums

all over that barroom floor?

Actually, I gotta tell you, Hon,

you were a little rough on him back there.

You were.

All right, don't you start in on me,

because this is your fault, too.

-My fault? -Yes!

All you had to do was drop him off

at the senior center. Simple thing.

He's a grown man. He wanted out,

what am I gonna do, lock him in the car?

Yes! You can lock all the doors

from the driver's side!

I showed you that!

Whatever! So, if it didn't happen tonight,

it was gonna happen eventually.

I gotta be honest with you.

I've been observing you for quite a while,

and you've been stifling him.

Stifling him? Is that what you've observed, Doug?

-Yeah, yeah. -Oh. Oh, okay.

'Cause I thought your view might have been blocked

by the dorito bag you always have your head in.

How dare you?

All right. Anyway, what I'm saying is,

just back off him, okay?

You've been running his life like a drill sergeant.

Oh. Really?

And, what, you think you can do better?

I would have made some different choices, yeah.

Would ya?

Indeed, I would.

Indeed, you would? Hmm.

Okay, okay. Obviously I'm in the wrong here.

I mean, you think so. He thinks so.

Even Chick thinks so.

So, um, you know what?

As of this moment, I am out of it.

You can make all the decisions.

He belongs to you.

Fine. I'll do it. It's no big deal.

Okay. That works for you, too, Dad?

Douglas would be a breath of fresh air.

Okay. Well, have fun, ladies.

Oh, we'll have more than fun, Mary Jane.

We'll have so much damn fun,

the neighbors will think it's weird.

Okay.

All right, Art Deco. Give me an update.

How are we lookin' with the waffle iron?

It would appear to have reached optimal temperature.

Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.

Let's start with the waffles and see what happens, huh?

Ahh... the sound of good eatin'.

Good mornin'.

Oh, hello.

What have you guys got going on there?

We're living our life. Now, back off, sister!

Easy. I'm just getting some juice.

By the by, Douglas, I want to take

this opportunity to thank you

for involving me in the morning goings-on.

Oh, well, you're very welcome, Arthur.

And may I add that your wisdom

has enriched the waffle-making process.

Kudos on the nutmeg.

ARTHUR: I surely appreciate that.

Oh, it's right around the time

when my pills are usually forced down my gullet.

Douglas, do you mind if I take them later,

of my own volition?

I don't know what "volition" means,

but I certainly understand "later." That'd be fine.

Thank you for that shred of respect.

Well, I gotta say,

this is working out delightfully.

I mean, everything's under control,

wafflemania's in progress...

and guess who's got a free afternoon

to get a manicure. Hi, me!

Oh, look, Douglas. Scissors.

May I run with them?

Be my guest, Arthur.

Ooh, look!

I'm running with the scissors,

and I'm not dead! Whoo! Look at me!

-[LAUGHS] -Good one.

Oh, watch this.

Ooh, look, a fork.

Douglas, do you mind if I stick it in the toaster?

Actually, yes. Don't do that.

Okay, guys, I'm going. Doug...

don't forget to run his errands with him.

Errands?

ARTHUR: You call this a haircut?

Where are the blond highlights?

I don't care if your sign says

"No shoes, no shirt, no service."

I want my wind chimes!

Sorry, Douglas. It used to be here.

Son of a gun. Not here, either.

Be patient, Douglas.

It's very hard to find parking here.

I don't care how many tattoos you've got.

You mess with me, you mess with my son-in-law!

[CAR SCREECHES AWAY]

What a day, what a way.

Am I right, Douglas?

I don't know.

Boy, I'm starving.

What's for dinner, hop sing?

I don't know. What do you want?

Cake.

Cake? You can't have cake for dinner.

Okay, then Jambalaya.

I'll make you a grilled cheese.

I love it.

You know what? Here.

Have a mini-doughnut.

It'll tide you over till dinner.

Don't mind if I do.

Whoo!

Douglas, quick question.

Is the room listing severely to the left?

Nope.

Then I may need my medication.

You didn't take your pills?

Apparently not.

Arthur, you said you were gonna take them!

I was drunk with freedom.

All right, what do I start with? What do we go with here?

Hang on, hang on.

Start with the ear drops in,

and for god's sakes... hurry.

Well, there are three droppers here,

and none of them say "ear" on it.

Oh, God. It's Carrie.

-Hey! -CARRIE: Hey!

Everything okay here?

Couldn't be better.

-Yeah. -Whoo!

Well, I gotta hand it to you guys.

I had a good day, and it looks like

you had a good day, too.

Oh, yeah. Great day, great day.

Just gonna throw in the old ear drops now,

and, uh... that'll be it. Whoo!

Okay. But these are the ear drops.

If you want to use the corn remover, be my guest.

I don't want to micromanage.

Okay...

All right, hang on. Relief is on the way.

All right, come here. Tip your ears.

The other one, other one!

Good... there you go.

-Go ahead. -All right, there we go. Just gotta get it in there.

Easy! I'm not a martini.

All right, come on, relax.

I want to make sure it's in there.

All right, now, pills, pills, pills.

Here we go.

All right, we got a red one, a blue one,

and a yellow one. Here.

-I'm not taking big blue. I hate those. -What?

You gotta take your medicine. Open up!

-Dream on! -Open the damn mouth.

No! Look at yourself, Douglas.

You're behaving just like her.

Oh, my God. You know what? You're absolutely right.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Arthur.

Apology accepted.

Yeah. Wow, I...

I'm just gonna get dinner going.

I'm sorry about that.

I don't know what happened. You know what?

Just to show I'm a good guy,

why don't you, uh...

why don't you have yourself another mini--

mini-doughnut before dinner, huh?

-Thank you, Douglas. -Okay.

-That's more like it. -Yeah.

I gotta tell you, Arthur...

you put up such a good fight,

it almost feels wrong to win.

What are you talking about?

I slipped big blue into your mini-doughnut.

You scurvy son of a bitch!

Delightful sandwich.

What kind of cheese is this?

American.

Oh, hats off to the Americans!

Glad you like it.

[CLEARS THROAT] So what are you, uh...

what do you got going on for tonight?

Remember my drinking buddy, Chick, from the docks?

He got a tip on a busted slot machine

in one of those Indian casinos in Connecticut.

It's paying off like gangbusters.

Well, you... you want to go to Connecticut tonight?

Sure. Chick's Corvair is street-legal again,

and I just cashed in some CDs.

He's the wheels, and I'm the bank.

Are you insane, Arthur?

You're not going.

Oh, ho ho, I'm going.

Oh, ho, no, you're not.

And who, pray tell, is gonna stop me?

You're looking at him.

Ho, ho, Douglas, you are priceless.

For the next eight hours, you won't be able

to stop yourself from drooling.

What?

I jammed the rest of the big blues

in your sandwich.

I was afraid you'd notice, but fortunately,

you wolf down your food like a Rottweiler.

You drugged me?

[LAUGHS] Doesn't feel too good, does it?

So, bye-bye, sucker!

Enjoy the pretty colors!

["HEY JOE" BY JIMI HENDRIX PLAYING ON THE STEREO]

Doug?

Hey, honey!

[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

Where's my father?

Oh, he put the big blue pills

in my sandwich, and he ran away.

I love you!

Stay with me, Honey. Stay with me.

Where exactly did he go?

He went to a casino in Connec-i-ta-cut.

Okay, and when did he leave?

Well, that depends on when now is... is now.

Okay, I was gonna take a bath,

but searching casinos in Connecticut

seems just as relaxing.

I tell you, Carrie, you were right.

You take good care of your father.

I was bad and stupid.

I know, Honey.

All right, sleep it off.

-All right. -Okay.

Hey...

great ass!

Thank you.

CARRIE: Yeah, this man in the picture right here.

Have you seen him?

MAN: Oh, yes.

He's the one we call

"Little yells a lot."

He left about 15 minutes ago.

CARRIE: Oy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]