Original subtitles

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care 'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home to you*

CARRIE: Hey, hon. Good news about tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

Tomorrow. My seminar.

Okay. Gonna need a little more.

The Tri-State Attorneys' Seminar I'm coordinating?

The thing I've been pretty much working on constantly

since Thanksgiving?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I remember Thanksgiving.

Doug, come on!

What? What about it?

-Well-- -I like the other chicken

-you make better. -Huh?

I like the other kind. This has no zip.

Dad, you have an ulcer.

You're not allowed zip, okay?

There's Mrs. Dash in the cabinet. Try that.

Thanks for nothin'.

So, what's this good news you speak of?

Okay, the good news is

you can come to the seminar.

There's a cocktail hour tomorrow night,

and then a big closing luncheon on Saturday,

and Pruzan said that I can bring you to both.

Shut up! That's good news.

-Mrs. Butterworth's? -Dash. Dash.

It's not in here.

-There you go. -Oh!

So would you please just come to this thing?

I'm gonna be running around

dealing with 200 drunk lawyers.

I could use a hug now and then.

Can't one of them hug ya?

Ha ha ha. [MUTTERS]

Okay, Doug, you know what?

You can be a real jerk sometimes.

I am asking you to be there for me

because I need the support.

That's what a marriage is, you know.

You sometimes make a sacrifice for your partner

because you love them.

Forget it.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, I'll be there.

I want to be. Really.

-Thank you. -Onion, black pepper,

celery seeds, cumin,

lemon juice powder, oregano.

You know, we can make this stuff ourselves.

Or I could just buy it for $1.

Must be nice being rich.

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

-What's all this? -Hey, I just spoke to the guys

over at the Brooklyn depot.

They want a mud bowl rematch. It's on, baby!

-Mud bowl? Is it raining? -Yeah. It started raining

about a half hour ago. So unless you're about

to get bar mitzvahed, ditch the tie

and put your sweats on. Come on.

I can't. I gotta go meet Carrie in the city

at a stupid reception thing for her job.

What? Can't you just blow off the reception?

Nah. No way. Carrie will kill me.

When she does, let us know what kind of dress

you want to be buried in.

Funny, man. Funny. Let me tell you guys something--

in a marriage,

you sometimes gotta make sacrifices

for your partner 'cause you love them,

and you--and you support them and--

and what am I, Alan Alda?

Let's play some mudball!

-Whoo! -Yeah!

Carrie?

-Aah! -Aah!

Arthur! Arthur, it's me!

Douglas. I thought you were

at that seminar with Carrie.

Something came up. Listen.

I'm gonna jump in the shower.

When Carrie comes in, pretend you never saw me

and you definitely never saw this.

Yeah, well, what should I say? What should I do?

Nothing. Just stay here and act natural. That's it.

Ah-choo!

[COUGHS]

-Hi, daddy. -I'm just reading the newspaper,

that's all!

Okay. Is, uh-- is Doug home?

I have no idea. I heard some noises.

Must have been some animal rummaging for food,

perhaps a heavyset squirrel.

[WATER RUNNING]

well, the shower's running. I assume that's him.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Oh, poor baby. At the last minute,

his boss made him work late.

Had to make an emergency run to LaGuardia.

Oh, did he, now?

He probably put in a 15-hour day and in this weather.

-He's probably exhausted. -I'm sure he is.

Hey, how'd it go?

Ohh. Pruzan was on my butt

the whole day.

I am so stressed.

Really? Sorry I couldn't be there.

Well, you had to work late. What can you do?

Nothin'. I'm just saying.

I'll tell you, I wish you had been there, sweetie.

I could have really, really used some moral support.

You know, what, I will be there tomorrow

with all the moral support you can handle.

In fact, you'll have extra moral support.

You can save that for next year's seminar.

-Okay? -Okay.

-Ah-choo! -Oh, bless you.

Hey, sit, sit, sit.

I brought you home some baby knishes.

Believe me, it was not easy

tearing them away from their mommy.

-Ha ha ha! -Very emotional.

Dad, look at this floor.

Did you track in mud again?

I suppose I did.

I suppose

I did.

[COUGHS]

Honey, come on. It's after 9:00.

We have to be at the banquet room by 10:00.

I'm getting up now.

I laid out all your clothes

so all you have to do is pour your hot little body into 'em.

My God, you look awful.

Are you sick?

No, I'm fine.

Doug, you're on fire!

And sweaty.

No, I'm fine.

[COUGHS]

oh, honey, come on. Look at you.

You're not going anywhere today.

I'm sorry I got sick, Car.

Hey, it's not your fault.

You probably caught it unloading boxes

in the rain last night.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, I gotta go.

Listen, you just lay there, relax.

Watch some TV,

and I will call you later

and check up on you, okay?

I love you, sweetie.

[COUGH]

Carrie asked me to bring this to you.

I believe it's... tea, food,

and...medicine.

Oh. Thanks.

She tells me you're under the weather.

Yeah. If I were you, I wouldn't get too close.

In fact, that's probably a good rule in general.

Right-o.

Oh, and if anyone calls,

I'll tell them you're...

"sick."

-I am sick, Arthur. -ARTHUR: Of course you are.

Just like you had to "work" last night.

Oh, come on. Don't start with me.

I'm not starting anything.

All I know is your wife needed you last night,

but instead you were out enjoying yourself,

digging up buried footballs with your friends.

We were playing football.

Oh, save your oysters, Eddie.

I already have enough of your stink on me.

Oh, would you come off--[COUGHS]

ARTHUR: It's called covering your mouth.

[COUGH]

-Very mature. -Oh, come on, Arthur.

Get off your high horse, huh?

You're not Mr. Perfect either!

Why? Because I eavesdrop on an occasional phone call?

Because I sometimes help myself

to the change on your night stand?

Fine. I'm not perfect.

But at least I'm not a liar.

You broke my heart, Douglas!

Yeah, well, you-- you broke my heart, too!

Okay, your little guilt trip's not gonna work!

I do lots of stuff for Carrie, lots of stuff!

ARTHUR: Tell that to your conscience!

My conscience is fine, so shutty!

ARTHUR: No! You shutty!

DOUG: You shutty!

[COUGHING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV]

WOMAN [OVER TV]: I have something to say about that...

[THE HONEYMOONERS THEME PLAYING]

MAN [OVER TV]: Jackie Gleason...

the Honeymooners.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Deacon! Come on down, pal!

Hey, Dougie boy!

[APPLAUSE]

well, my friend, I think congratulations are in order.

Why? The bus company startin' to pay ya by the pound?

Ha ha ha!

Oh, you're funny, pal. You are funny.

I don't know why you're wastin' your time down at the sewer,

'cause you should be on stage somewhere,

'cause you are a riot.

So, uh...what am I congratulating you for?

For being a genius.

I told Carrie we got an emergency meeting

down at the Raccoon Lodge tonight,

so now I'm free to go bowlin'.

Mmm...I'm good!

I gotta hand it to ya, Doug.

I could never lie to Kelly.

No, she'd smell it on me a mile away.

That's the difference between you and I, Deac.

Unlike you, I am not a-scared of my wife.

I am the king of my castle.

The king!

She is just a mere peasant!

Now, help me think of a way

to sneak out my bowling shoes after supper.

Hey!

Why don't we use this here and, uh...

wrap 'em up like a gift?

That's usin' your noodle, pal. Here ya go.

There. Put 'em in there. How's that look?

I don't know. It, uh... kinda needs something.

What do you mean?

You got a nice ribbon or something?

Good idea. A ribbon. Here we go. Okay.

There you go, pal.

Just wrap it up, and hurry up.

Carrie'll be home any minute.

Right-o.

Will you come on?!

There it is. It's all done.

[APPLAUSE]

Hiya, Doug. Hello, Deac.

Well, hi, sweetheart.

Whaddaya say there, Carrie?

Doug, what time is your lodge meeting tonight?

I told you, 8:00.

Really? Because I just ran into the high exalted

mystic ruler's wife at the beauty parlor,

and she told me he's out of town till Tuesday.

Homina, homina, homina, homina...

well, of course he is.

That's why we're meetin'-- to plan

his surprise birthday party.

Oh! Is that what this is for?

Uh...

no, no, it's something I got for Kelly.

Oh, well, that's sweet. What'd you get her?

Bowling shoes.

New bowling shoes. Well, that's swell.

Well, I'm gonna get cleaned up for supper.

All right. All right, sweetheart.

You take your time now, okay?

Bowling shoes?

That's what you come up with, bowling shoes?

I--I got kinda nervous,

you know, bein' around a king. Ha ha.

Get out. Get out!

[THE HONEYMOONERS THEME PLAYING]

[CHANNEL CHANGES]

PAT SAJAK: Okay, Arthur, 450.

Okay, uh... I'd like a 4.

We only take letters.

Is there an "H"?

Yeah, "H", "H" was called. In fact, you called it.

-[BUZZER] -Aah! Ga--

Sorry, Arthur. Time's up. Carrie, it's your turn.

Big money, big money, big money!

And...600.

Uh, actually, Pat,

I would like to solve the puzzle.

Noooo!

Pat! He's touching the letters!

He's touching them!

Make him stop!

Wait a second.

Did he lie to me?

No lie--I didn't li--

[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV]

-You're a liar! -Ouch!

You're a louse.

You're a stinker!

But... but...

Don't you "but" me.

Oh, boy.

[BIRDS CHIRP]

I told you so.

Shutty.

Not going so good.

[COUGHING]

Hey, bro. How you feelin'?

Oh, man, like old gum.

I brought your paycheck.

Oh, thanks a lot, guy.

So, uh...Carrie believe your lie

-about workin' late? -It wasn't a lie, man.

It was an excuse, okay?

Besides, you guys pressured me into it!

I had my tie on!

Chill, alright?

I'm on your side, player. Jeez!

[BRIAN'S SONG THEME PLAYING]

Hey, hey, check this out.

-Brian's song. -DOUG: Oh, cool.

-You wanna stay and watch? -Nah.

I'm supposed to be working right now.

All right. Later, guy.

[BRIAN'S SONG THEME PLAYING]

Hey, Black Magic.

How you doin', Heff?

It's, uh...

fourth and 8,

and...

they won't let me punt.

Go for it, then.

I'm tryin'.

Jesus...God...

I'm...tryin'.

I brought your paycheck.

Thanks... Magic.

Where do you want me to put it?

Over there...

by the deposit slips.

I'm sorry. What?

[MUMBLES]

Uh... Guy, can you speak up a little?

[MUMBLES]

[GROANS]

That's good.

I love Doug Heffernan.

And I'd like all of you to love him too.

So tonight, when you hit your knees...

please ask Carrie to love him.

[THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS THEME PLAYING]

I understand you've done some impressive work

for Brash and Sassy.

Thank you. But I'm sure

you didn't call me here to tell me that.

No, that's correct.

Then what do you want?

I want the formula for the anti-aging cream.

Well, well, well.

NIKKI: If it isn't my old friend

Arthur Spooner.

Nikki Newman.

We meet again.

So sorry to eavesdrop,

but I thought you should know

that brash and sassy doesn't have

an anti-aging cream.

That cream is my baby,

and it's the exclusive property

of Jabot cosmetics.

It feels so good to hold you.

I miss you, Jack.

I can't believe you have a little person

growing inside of you,

a little us.

So...

what about Doug?

Oh, the hell with Doug.

He doesn't love me like you do.

And he lied to me.

He lied to me!

Bastard.

Oh...it's all right.

It's all right.

It's you I love, Jack.

And I love you.

No!

Douglas, are you okay?

I heard someone screaming like a bitch.

Ohhh.

I gotta-- I gotta talk to Carrie.

I gotta tell her I lied. You were right, Arthur.

Of course I was right. Now, go to her, son.

Tell her you're sorry.

Tell her what she means to you!

Go!

-Go! -Can I put my pants on?!

CARRIE: Uh, excuse me, folks,

if I can get you all to skooch on into the ballroom.

Uh, people, key note address about to begin.

Legal ethics in the new century.

That shouldn't take too long, huh?

OK, come on, guys.

Doug!

What are you doing here?

I had to talk to you. It's important.

-Is everything okay? -Yeah. It's just that I gotta--

Honey, you are still boiling.

Go home. We can talk tonight.

No, I have to talk to you now.

-Okay. All right. -Let me--

let me just go herd them into their pen,

and I'll be right back. Just wait at the bar.

Go ahead.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING ON TV]

MAN [OVER TV]: And now we continue

with our weekend-long honeymooners marathon

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

MAN [OVER TV] Jackie Gleason.

The Honeymooners.

So I lied to you, Carrie.

The whole thing was one big stinkin' whopper.

Well, ain't you gonna say nuttin'?

Well, Doug, it's great that you finally confessed.

Just great. That explains where you were last night,

out having a ball with your chums,

but it doesn't explain something much more important,

why you didn't even think enough of me to tell me

the truth.

I wish you had an explanation for that.

Oh, how I wish you had an explanation for that.

I have got an explanation for it.

I'm a mope.

But I love ya, sweetheart.

Honest I do.

Aw, Doug!

Baby, you're the greatest.

[THE HONEYMOONERS THEME PLAYS]

Huh? What--oh, I must've--

-I must've fell asleep. -So what's so important?

Why'd you come all the way down here?

Well, because... I need to tell you something.

I...

I didn't have to work late last night.

I--I lied and I told you I did

just so I could play mud football.

I know you needed me here, and I really let you down.

I'm a mope.

But I love you, sweetheart.

Honest.

I do.

You lied to me?

You make me sick.

You're the greatest.

NARRATOR: Doug Heffernan lied

at the age of 35.

He betrayed not only his father-in-law,

but more importantly,

the woman he loves.

But when they think of him,

it's not how he played mud football

that they remember,

but rather how he lied,

how he did lie.

[BRIAN'S SONG THEME PLAYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]