All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E16 - Horizontal Hold WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

All right,
Friday it is.

I'll see you then.

Bye-bye now.

[BEEPS]

Ah, this sticks
on ice.

What's going on?

Remember that
Mrs. Buxraum character

over at the senior center?

Oh, yeah.

She's the one who gives
me Tootsie Rolls

and calls me
Evelyn.

How's she doin'?

Dead.

So I'm guessin'
that wasn't her.

No, it was her stupid
cousin Judy.

She must've heard through
the grapevine I was single

'cause she was rubbin'
up against me

all during the funeral.

You like
rubbing.

What's the problem?

She's not my type.
Too small and pushy.

I like 'em big and scared
of their own shadows.

So why're you goin'
out with her?

Wanna get her
off my back.

But I'm not spendin' a dime
on her, I'll tell you that.

I invited her here
where we can eat for free.

Dad, the food here
ain't free.

It is for me.

CARRIE: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

-What?
-A roach.

A roach, it was near
the refrigerator.

Oh, my God. It just
went under it.

That's not a roach.
That's a baby frog.

Dad, I think I know

what a roach
looks like. Doug!

That was a baby frog.

I used to race 'em
down in Cajun Country.

Would you stop it.
Doug!

-What?
-There's a baby frog

in the house.

It's a roach.

Ah, you don't know your
ass from your elbow.

-Well, where is it?
-He was near the refrigerator.

Oh, there he is!
Kill him. Kill him.

-Just get some Raid.
-Okay, okay.

-Hurry up.
-I'm looking.

Come on,
I got him cornered here.

Here, here, here.

Okay, this is oven cleaner.

We don't have Raid.
Just spray him.

[HISSING]

Eww. Is he dead?

I can't tell, but he's blind
and he's sizzling.

Just pick him up.
Pick him up.

All right. Okay.

All right, I got him.
Oh, God. He's big.

Ech.

Don't. Stop it.
Stop!

There's probably a whole village
of 'em under there,

-and it's all your fault.
-What?

Yeah, when you broke
the Snapple bottle.

I told you,
you have to pull

the refrigerator out
and clean underneath it.

Okay, you know what?
I broke that bottle a year ago.

For the love of God,
move on.

It's not funny.
We're probably infested.

I'll do it tomorrow.

No, I'm gonna find them
in my bed tonight.

Do it now.

Shh. Shh.
You're trembling.

Cut it out. Stop it.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?
I'm calming you

with my manly caresses.

Doug, if you think sex
is gonna get you out of this,

you are very,
very wrong.

And yet I'm gonna
go for it anyway.

I'm very annoyed
at you, you know.

And that only arouses me.

And you know what else?

I left a wet towel
on the bathroom floor.

That's pretty
annoying, huh?

Actually,
that really is.

Come on, carry me upstairs
and have your way with me.

Just lift with your legs.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

SPENCE: Deac?

Yeah.

Hey, can I whip you up
a breakfast burrito?

No, thanks.

-Denver omelet?
-Nope, I'm good.

-SPENCE: Blintzes?!
-Still no!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, how'd that
massage pillow

work out for you
last night?

Uh, great. Um, thanks.

Hey, getting tossed out
by your wife is tough enough.

I mean, you don't want to
replace one pain in the neck

with the other one.
Am I right, huh?

Who's with me?

Answer the door.

-Hey, man.
-Hey.

Hey, you got time
for some breakfast?

Uh, no! Uh,
we gotta get to work

or all the good trucks
are gonna be taken.

Oh, got you.

Oh, hey, any idea
when you'll be back?

'Cause I was going to rent
Blues Brothers 2000.

SPENCE:
Director's cut!

Man, it's brutal
in there.

Ah, come on.
He means well.

He's smothering me.
You know what he did last night?

He drew me a bath.

Drew me a bath.

I had sex last night.

Unscheduled.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Idiot.

Ow!

DOUG: Hey, how was work?

[CAR CRASHES]

That was very reckless.

You leave
the refrigerator

in the middle
of the kitchen?

Excuse me, I was just doing
what you asked me to do.

Then the phone rang,
and I got distracted.

You got distracted
by the phone?

Yes, I'm easily
distracted.

What happens when
the doorbell rings?

You wet yourself?

Oh, that's very clever,
Carrie,

'cause nervous
disorders are funny.

All right,
now I know.

CARRIE:
And apparently...

putting the milk away
was too much for you,

even though the fridge
is now one inch

from the table.

The phone rang!

CARRIE: You know,
I broke a nail

putting it back.

So? Buy another one.

CARRIE: You know what, Doug?
You always give me

this excuse crap,

and it drives
me insane.

I had to go to work,
the game was on,

I smelled cheese.

I mean, are you
incredibly lazy,

or do you
just hate me?

60-40.

Ha ha. Jerk.

Aw, come on.

Would you just go
down there and finish?

God.

I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna go to bed.

Come on, Car.
I'm sorry, okay?

I'm a bad boy.

Punish me.

Leave me alone.

Come on,
let's do stuff.

Made you feel better
last night, right?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I just read an article
about exactly what we're doing.

Really?

Were there pictures?

No. It was about couples

who substitute sex
for communication.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

That's what we do.

Right, right.

Take your pants off.

Doug, think about it.

Last night,
I was upset with you

about the fridge.
And how'd it end up?

With sex.

And then we were
just about to do

the same thing
tonight.

Well, it's better
than fighting, isn't it?

Doug, it's not just
when we're fighting.

We fall back
on sex all the time.

When we're mad,
when we're happy.

When there's
nothing good on TV.

So?

So, the article said
if couples

do not explore other aspects
of their relationship,

it could hurt
their marriage,

you know, down the line.

Carrie, believe me.

I would never do anything
to hurt what we have. Ever.

Now offee with the pants.

What are you,

Benny Hill over here?

Can we have
a conversation

about this, please?

Fine. So we fall back
on sex once in a while.

What the hell
can we do about it?

Well, it's funny
that you should ask.

The author
of this article,

who is a psychologist,
by the way,

suggests that couples
take a respite.

Which means "rest"...

from sex
while they explore

other areas
of their relationship.

Okay, fair enough.
Fair enough.

Now, I just read
an article in Penthouse...

by a sexologist--

Doug, could you take
this seriously, please?

I'm sorry. But this
is crazy, Carrie.

I mean, yesterday
everything was fine,

and today you're telling me
we have too much sex.

I mean, most people
would die

-for that problem.
-Oh, really? Really?

Deacon and Kelly
had sex all the time.

And now
their marriage is a mess.

Okay, you don't know
that too much sex

-was the reason.
-No,

but I know that something

was obviously missing there.

And now it might be
too late to fix it.

Do you want that
to happen to us?

Of course not.

All right, so...

so how long will
this no-sex thing be for?

-2 weeks.
-2 weeks!

That's what
the article said.

Well, why'd you have to go
and read in the first place?

You show-off.

Now, come on.
It's not that bad.

We've gone
2 weeks before.

Maybe you have.

Come on,
it's not that long.

And, look, we'll channel
all that extra energy

into making the rest of
our relationship better.

And at the end
of the 2 weeks,

the forbidden fruit
will taste

that much sweeter,
don't you think?

Uhh...

Okay, I'm on board.

Thank you.
I love you.

I'll tell ya,
I just wish

I would have known
about this ban

before last night's
sex.

I probably would've
concentrated more.

-Doug?
-Yeah.

Get out of there.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

You have a lovely
home, Artie.

I really like it.

[HACKING COUGH]

Thank you.

That's nice.
Tell me,

have you
had tuberculosis long?

Oh, Artie,
you're a caution.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, my children
are home.

Excuse me.
Hey kids,

-this is Judy.
-Hi, there.

-Nice to meet you.
-Hello.

Douglas,
very discreetly,

I need you to set
the drapes on fire.

Aw, things aren't
going so well, huh?

It's torture.
She's diseased

and incredibly boring.

Be right
with you, dear!

Can you help me out?

Sorry. I've got
my own problems, guy.

Wow, you're dad's really
in agony down there, huh?

Oh. Yeah, that Judy
is a rough stretch

of highway, huh?

Actually, if she
wasn't his date,

I'd be jumping her
as we speak.

Come on, we're doing
great without sex.

We had a nice
dinner,

we saw
a good movie...

It was a good movie.

So now we're home.

Now we're home.

What to do, what to do...

Hey, why don't
we just talk?

Talk?

Yeah, why not?

All right, let's
talk our brains out.

All right.

Here we go.

Let's talk.

Gonna do some talkin'.

Conversation.

You know, the faster you eat it,
the better it tastes.

That's their slogan
actually.

What brand is it?

Uh, fast cake.

Oh, heh heh.

[YAWNS]

I beg your pardon.

Oh, it's 9:30,

the witching hour.

Well, maybe for you.

Me, I can stay up
all night.

I'm used
to serving drinks

until 5:00
in the morning.

Really?
How fascinating.

I'll get your coat.

Yep. You had to be
on your toes

when you served
the big boys.

-Sure.
-Like take Sinatra,

for example.

You got the drink order
wrong for him,

next thing you knew,
you were wearing it.

You, uh,
you served drinks

to Frank Sinatra?

Oh, I served him
a lot more than drinks.

Well, good night, Artie.
Thanks for the laughs.

Wh-wh-wh-whoa, whoa!

We're talking about
Frank Sinatra Sr.

here, right?

Old blue eyes himself.

Well, then
where the hell

are you going, baby?

What about politics?

We never talk about politics.

OK.

OK... politics.

I'll take politics
for 200, Alex.

All right, I'll get the party
started here.

Uh, in the last election, how
did you vote on prop 17?

-Uh, I voted no.
-Really? Why?

Well, I vote with a system.

No, yes, no, yes, no, yes.

So you just... alternate?

Yes, that's my system.

Right.

-How about you?
-I voted yes.

I voted yes, yeah.

At least I think I did.

Unless I left a hanging chad.

-Oh, right, because of the...
-Right.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DEACON: It's open.

-Hey, man.
-Hey, man.

-Hey, Spence. It's Doug.
-SPENCE: Hi, Doug.

Hey, I'm making Deacon
a grilled-cheese sandwich.

-You want one?
-No, I'm--I'm good.

Yo, bring him one of those
international beers.

And one for me, too.

You got it, bro.

-You the man.
-No, youthe man.

What the hell's
going on here?

Why's he "the man" now?

I don't know, man.
At a certain point

I just said
why fight it?

You know what?
It's fantastic!

He cooks for me.

He cleans up
after me.

He's like my own
little Gilligan.

Right. Glad one of our
relationships is clicking.

Hey, Doug.
What's up, man?

All right.

Here is
your bottle

of laymenbourd.

-Thank you.
-And Doug,

I brought you
a tika.

That is a pale ale

from French Guiana.

Nyet schmidts?

Try it.
It's smooth.

So, what's going on, man?

Uh, you and Carrie
having some problems?

Aw, what's
the matter?

Aw, man, it's brutal.

She--she decided
she wanted to ban sex

for 2 weeks.

With you
or with anybody?

Oh, no, you didn't.

[LAUGHTER]

All right,
would you idiots shut up!

I got a real problem here.

Aw, I'm--I'm sorry, man.
So, um, she banned sex?

A week ago. You know,
she said it keeps us

from, quote, communicating.

So we tried to communicate,
and, guess what?

We got nothing. Zippo.

-What?!
-DOUG: It's true.

I mean, without sex,
my marriage is like

a bad first date.

Except this one I just can't
ditch at the diner.

Oh, don't worry
about it, man.

I mean, you gotta
work at it.

Hey, Deac and I,

this didn't come
together over night.

Hey,

-good cooking don't hurt.
-Stop it.

DEACON: You can't stop
the truth.

You punish that kitchen.

A little encouragement
doesn't hurt.

This guy, what're you going
to do with him?

-No, you--
-No, you.

You're the--

Good-bye.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, crap,
there's another one.

How'd you like me
to come under the fridge

and ruin your sex life?

Douglas, I hate to interrupt
what appears to be

some kind
of herky jerky dance,

but I was wondering
if you happen to have

any oysters
on the half shell?

Not on me, no.

What's going on?

I've got my lady friend
downstairs,

and I'm this close
to closing the deal.

And when I do, Douglas,

I'm goin' to do her my way.

Okay, let me be the first
to say "brosh."

And second of all,
What are you talking about?

I thought
you hated her.

That was before I found out

she's been intimate
with Mr. Frank Sinatra.

-So?
-So, don't you get it?

If I get in there,

it's like I've been
with Sinatra.

You do realize
he's a man?

-JUDY: Lover!
-On my way, you cuckoo broad.

-Hey!
-Hey!

Honey, this is the answer
to our problem.

101 Ways To Make Love
Without Doing It.

I got that on campus today.

-Yay.
-Okay.

Here we go. You ready?

All right.

Number one.

"Tell the other person
you love them."

Doug, I love you.

I love you, too,
Carrie.

That was great.
I need a cigarette.

Okay, moving on.
Number 2.

"Give or get a hug."

All righty.

"Start a scrapbook."

Okay. "Give each other
pet names."

"Play footsie."
Oh, that might be fun.

Let's play footsie.

-All right.
-All right. Here we go.

-Up here.
-Okay.

Okay. I guess, uh,
footsie pretty much

has to be
a spontaneous thing.

Yeah, and even then,
eww.

Okay. Number 8.

"Kiss."

Kiss? That's a good one.
Let's kiss.

Okay. Yeah. It's like
we're teenagers again.

-Yeah.
-Okay. All right.

Shall I keep
my eyes open or closed?

-Couldn't care less.
-Okay.

No. Doug, come on.

Come on!

Are you on board
with this or not?

Yes.
That's how I kiss.

Fine, you know what?
I'm, uh,

I'm not on board
with this. All right?

I mean, I finally
figured out

what our problem is.

-What?
-We had no problem.

That's the problem.

Our relationship
was great

until you banned sex.

No, Doug, we were
avoiding communication.

No, we weren't.
We were--

Carrie,
can I tell you

a little story?

Sure.

It's about
a tasty beverage

called Coca Cola,

invented some time
in the 1600s.

Anyway, it was sweet.
It was refreshing.

Stores couldn't
keep it in stock.

Kids wanted it
like Wonka Bars,

and times were good.

Is this your way
of telling me

we're running out of Coke?

No, it's not!

Although we are
running low,

so you might want
to get on that.

Anyway, can I finish
my story, please?

So one day, one--
and baloney--

get baloney.

One day,
one of the geniuses

working at
the Coke factory,

probably after
reading an article,

said to himself,
you know what,

I want to make Coke
better.

And you know what
they came out with?

"New Coke."

or as I like
to call it,

syrupy piss water.

You finished
a pound of baloney?

I just bought that.

You're not listening
to me here! Okay?

The point is--

it was sliced
very thin.

But it's still a pound.

Can I bring
my point home?!

Yes.

The point is,
that's what you're doing

with our relationship.

You're screwing around

with the formula.

And you--
you don't have to.

It's--it's great
what we have.

I don't--I just--

I just felt like
we needed to talk more.

We talk
all the time.

We just--
we don't talk

about library
propositions.

We talk about food,
what's on TV.

We make fun
of strangers,

and damn it,
it works!

She works.

You know what?
That's it.

I'm not reading anymore.

There you go.

Okay, so is this--
is this over?

It's over.

[SIGHS] Thank God.

Now we can get back
to talking like

normal people again.

[GROANS]

Welcome back,
for-ni-ca-shee-on.

-Hey, man.
-Hi.

Aw, perfect timing.
The game just started,

and I got
a pizza on the way.

Right, right.

You okay, man?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Fine.

[SIGHS]

The thing is, I read
this article today.

Two weeks?!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]