Original subtitles

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

DOUG: Oh, hey, Arthur. It's me, Doug.

What can I do you for?

DOUG: Actually, I just called to check

the messages off of the machine.

So just hang up and I'll call right back.

-Gotcha. -DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Arthur, didn't I just ask you not to pick up?

No. You said I should hang up

and you'd call right back.

Okay, what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it, not you.

I'm trying to check my messages.

You want me to just check 'em for you?

DOUG: No, no. Thank you. No. Last time you did that

you erased all the messages and our outgoing messages

and unplugged the lamp.

Just let it ring, okay?

It's your world, I just live in it.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yellow?

Arthur, what did I just say?

I'm sorry, it's habit.

Well, do me a favor, break the habit.

I'm runnin' out of freakin' change here!

Fine.

Hello?

Arthur, what is this, some kind of sick little joke?

I'm sorry, I've been answering the phone my whole life.

You're asking me to undo 75 years of instinct in a moment.

That is not easy!

Just don't pick up.

Fine, I'm going downstairs to lie down.

Well, thank you.

Yellow.

-Arthur! -Oh, God!

DOUG [OVER PHONE]: What the hell is going on in your head

that you keep doing this?!

I need to understand!

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home to you*

CARRIE: Baby, you ready?

Let's hit it.

Cowboy boots?

That's right, ma'am.

So, what, you gonna go rope yourself

a meatball sandwich?

I like 'em, plus they were on sale at Thom Mcan.

Honey, just because something is on sale,

doesn't mean you have to buy it.

We discussed this when you came home

with the microscope.

Now, go on. Go change.

Fine, I'll change, but not 'cause of you.

Only 'cause they hurt like hell.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -Hey, it's me.

CARRIE: Oh, hey, Kel, we were just about out the door.

-What's up? -I'm glad I caught you.

We're going to have to cancel on you tonight.

Oh, why?

Deacon has to work late again.

Oh, that's crappy.

Well, how about we do something tomorrow?

What about brunch over here?

-I'll see you then. Bye. -CARRIE: Okay, honey. Bye.

All right, got my sneakers on.

The spotlight's back on you now. Happy?

Kelly just called and canceled.

Deacon has to work late tonight.

Really?

Hmm.

So you wanna just do take-out?

All right. How about Italian?

CARRIE: Honey, how about we do Chinese?

Do you wanna try that new place, Tung Shing House?

You had me at Tung.

Hi, how you doin'? My wife called in an order.

[BRITISH ACCENT] What is your last name?

Hello, sir.

I'm sorry. You just...

you threw me with the British thing there.

I grew up in Hong Kong.

I apologize if I'm not ethnic enough for you.

Would you like me to chink it up a little?

Che-chi-cho- chee-chee-chi-cho.

No, no, no, no, no.

Please, it's no bother. I'd love to.

-Hoy chee guy ko lee may nai-- -No, no, no, no!

My name's Heffernan. It's right there.

18.50.

Okay.

It'll be ready in a moment.

All right.

Thanks.

Hey, man!

Hey!

Hey.

What's going on there, chiefy?

Nothing much. Just, uh...

just having some dinner.

Dinner. Big fan. No secret there, though, huh?

DEACON: Right, right.

So I thought you were-- who's your friend here?

Doug, this is Angie.

Hi. How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Deacon's told me a lot about you.

Has he? 'Cause, uh...

he hasn't told me that much about--hmm?

Oh, gosh. I guess my order's ready.

Okay, uh, I guess I will see you tomorrow.

I will see you whenever or not.

Either way, it was a plea-- okay, I'm coming, okay?

I got to go. All right.

I know this looks a little weird.

No, no, no. You're just pretending to work late

to meet with your lovely vacation planner because

you're going to surprise Kelly with a trip to Oahu.

No.

-No. -Puerto Rico?

Amish Country? Give me Amish Country.

No, man, no.

Then what?

It's what it looks like, all right?

I can't believe this, man.

JOE: Hey, American G.I., your "a" number one

good time order ready.

That's enough of that, okay? I get it.

Look, I should get back.

Just be cool about this,

and I promise we'll talk tomorrow, okay?

We'll talk tomorrow.

You call this a family restaurant.

ARTHUR: So I looked her square in the eyes

and said, "Ma'am, you are undoubtedly

the most fetching woman in all of Shreveport."

And what did she say?

My good sir, I do believe you've given me the vapors.

Nice. Then what happened?

I knocked the barbecue out of her hand,

bent her over the porch railing,

and said, "I'll give you more than vapors, you--"

CARRIE: Okay, enough.

Charming story gone very wrong.

What's going on with you two over there?

I'm fine.

You haven't eaten a thing.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm really not-- I'm not hungry.

What?

I'm not hungry. That allowed?

It's allowed.

I've just never heard you say it.

Well, what's your story?

Uh, nothing. Just tired.

If you could tell your boss maybe one time

you can't work late.

It doesn't work that way.

KELLY: Well, why is it always you that has to stay?

How should I know?

Well, I'd say it's pretty damn clear why.

You got some crap work, give it to the colored guy.

Arthur, there's nothing going on at work. Now drop it.

Sure. Why not drop it?

By the way, how's the weather

in the town of young, white male-ville, huh?

For God's sakes, everyone has to work late.

I work late all the time.

No, you don't.

Sure, I do.

When?

Actually, I have to work late this coming Thursday.

Now, can we please, in the sweet name

of all that is holy, talk about something else?

Arthur, you were saying, the story. You had her

bent over the railing. Then what happened?

No, no, no. Wait a second.

I thought you had Knicks tickets for Thursday.

I do. I guess I just won't be able to use them.

ARTHUR: Can I have 'em?

Yes, you may.

Sweet diggedy!

Oh, crap. Honey, would you do me a favor

and grab me a sponge?

Yeah. You know what, Deac. Why don't you give me a hand

in case the sponge is... up high.

You got it.

All right, you said you'd talk to me today, so talk to me.

What's up? What's going on?

Angie's an old friend from high school.

I hadn't seen her since, but then she e-mailed me

a couple months ago, you know?

"How you doing? What's going on?"

I e-mailed her back, and things kind of took off from there.

What did you go and e-mail her back for?

There are plenty of other things to do on the internet.

You got your gambling, your porn...

all the other stuff.

It's just that...

Angie and I really connect, you know? We can talk.

With Kelly lately, she's got her things going on,

I got my things, and more and more

it just seems like our things are different.

Just put your things that are different together,

they did it with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup,

and it was a huge success.

-Douglas, quick question. -What is it, Arthur?

Can I grab those Knick tickets from you now?

You know what, I'll give 'em to you later.

What if I don't see you later?

You live in our basement,

I will see you.

Give me a time!

Oh... three.

AM or PM?

If it's AM, I need to move some things around.

Will you just leave us alone?

Fine!

-Why didn't you tell me? -I haven't told anyone.

I'm not exactly proud of it.

Doug, honey, I think you misunderstood.

I meant the indoor sponge, not the outdoor sponge.

I was just talking to Deac about my, uh...

Roy Orbison collectible plate.

DEACON: Yeah, yeah.

Doug was saying how it may or may not increase in value.

I hope it increases.

All right, well, my ears are about to snap off.

I'm going to head back inside.

Honey, you're getting a snotsicle.

Look, we better get back in there.

Look, I hate to put you in this position, man,

but please, just be cool for a little while longer, okay?

All right. Look, I got ranger tickets for next month.

Don't blow that for me.

All right, you guys, Thanks again. It was great.

Hey, let's do a movie this week.

Yeah, I'll call you.

Okay. Whoo! Good people.

Nice people.

Solid people.

Doug, honey, do I strike you as stupid

and/or unaware?

Nope. You are sharp as a ginsu, pretty girl.

So then what's going on?

Not a thing.

Are you enjoying that issue of Marie Claire?

Yes, I am.

By the way, I know you're staring at me,

and it doesn't bother me a bit.

Stare all you want. There's nothing going on.

In fact, what's going on with you?

Yeah, maybe there's something going on with you.

Maybe I should stare right back at you.

How would that feel, huh?

Mrrrr.

Eyes off!

All right, so let me think about this.

You've been acting strange ever since you came home

from the restaurant last night.

Did--did something happen there?

Maybe, but I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

Did what happen involve Deacon?

because you guys have been acting very weird this morning.

Perhaps, but once again, not at liberty.

You just got those Knicks tickets,

so I know you're not really working late.

Was Deacon really working late last night,

or were you, like, covering for him?

Okay, do you understand the concept

of "not at liberty"?

If you called liberty right now,

I wouldn't be there.

When you picked up the food last night,

did you see Deacon there?

With another woman?

Yes, but that's all you're getting out of me.

Oh, my God. He's having an affair?!

You did not hear that from me, okay? If it ever comes up,

you heard it from a British Chinese guy.

Kelly is gonna be so devastated.

Oh, you're not planning on telling Kelly?

Doug, the man is running around behind her back.

She has a right to know. She's my best friend.

Well, he's my best friend, and I already promised

-I wouldn't say anything. -Well, tough! Doug,

I can't look her in the eyes and not tell her.

So don't look at her eyes. Look at her breasts.

That's what I do!

Doug, listen to me.

Hon, I know this is tough on you,

but it's tough on me, too.

I'm sorry. If Deacon doesn't tell Kelly,

I'm gonna have to.

There you are. Look, we need to talk.

Yeah, I kinda need to talk to you, too.

What's up?

Man, I couldn't even sleep last night.

I don't know, man, I just feel like I really--

Hey, Bergin, why don't you go take that dog

for a walk, huh?

Yeah, good-bye. Good-bye.

All right, go ahead.

I--I just feel like I screwed up so bad, man.

And now I'm dragging you into this.

And hey, I'm gonna pay you for those knick tickets, all right?

You shut up. Come on. You think I care about those, huh?

They were a gift from Carrie's boss.

Right. Sorry.

Although they're worth like, $160.

So if you want to toss me something, that's your call.

Whatever.

I gotta tell you I did a lot of thinking last night, and--

All right, let's go over there.

And what?

I'm definitely gonna break things off with Angie.

Excellent idea. That's it, man.

You break things off with Angie.

You tell Kelly, and everything's back to ham and eggs.

Tell Kelly? Uh-uh. No, no, no. No way, man.

Why not? I think you're gonna be surprised.

She has very kind eyes.

Yo, she's hit me with a frying pan,

and it ain't like in cartoons, man.

That sucker hurts.

You know what? Let me come at this

from a slightly different angle.

Carrie knows, and if you don't tell Kelly, she will.

You told Carrie?!

I can't believe you, man!

I didn't tell her. She got it out of me.

How, Doug?

She stared at me.

You know, you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?

You know what you are?

-You're a yenteh. -I am not a yenteh.

Yes, you are--yenteh, yenteh, yenteh, yenteh.

Hey, why are you giving me grief?!

You're the one who's sleeping around

with someone else who's not your wife!

What are you talking about?!

I never slept with Angie.

-What?! -I never slept with her.

I mean, I'm not sure what would have happened,

but so far, all we've done is meet for dinner, you know?

Talk.

Guy, am I crazy, or is that not the kind

of information you lead with?!

I guess what I figured I was doing

was still kinda cheating.

No, it's not, you big dumb ox.

It's not that bad at all.

Now you tell Kelly. I'll tell Carrie.

We can get on with our lives.

There! We just cheated more than you ever did.

-Carrie! -In here!

Great news, my little chickie.

Turns out Deac is not cheating with that woman.

What? What do you mean?

Just what I said. He's not cheating.

He's had as much sex with her

as I've had with your dad.

And that's none.

But you saw them in the restaurant together.

I mean, if they weren't having an affair, what was going on?

They just meet for dinner. They eat.

They talk. They connect.

-And does Kelly know? -No.

-Then he's still cheating. -No, he's not!

Yes, he is. Doug,

the man is lying to his wife,

sneaking around with another woman,

sharing intimate feelings. That is cheating.

-No, it isn't! -Yes, it is!

No. You got to be naked to cheat.

Wrong!

So you're telling me, if I met a woman,

and we went out for a dinner or two,

and then say I forgot to tell you about it, right?

-I would be cheating? -Yes!

Really? And that would be just as bad

as if I actually slept with her?

Yes!

Good to know.

That's great. That's really great, Doug.

Make your stupid little jokes,

but I got to tell you, I am stunned

that on something as important

as the meaning of marriage and commitment,

that we would be so far apart.

DOUG: Yeah, well, we are, my friend.

You're way over there, and I'm way over here.

[RASPY VOICE] Hello.

Oh, shut up.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -I'll get it.

-What do you want for dinner? -I don't care!

Deac, what's going on, man?

I told Kelly, and you know what?

You were wrong. It is as bad as cheating.

I know. I'm in the middle of the same argument.

-She threw you out? -Yeah.

-With no shoes? -Yeah,

and as hard as it is to get a cab as a black man,

imagine trying to get one as a black man with no shoes.

Hey, Carrie.

What does he want?

Easy, okay? He's been tossed out shoeless.

I have nothing to say to him

or you or anybody else

on this whole sickening subject. Excuse me.

Sit down, man.

You're sure it's okay?

CARRIE: No, it is not okay!

Hey, you know what?

I just figured out what I want for dinner.

A nice, hot bowl of shut-it stew!

CARRIE: Does he know that he has a baby?

Ha! You know what? I'm sorry.

I've had shut-it stew before,

and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that!

Hey, man, maybe you better stay at a motel tonight.

Yeah. No, wait. Kelly kicked me out without my wallet.

Can you lend me a few bucks?

Yeah, no problem.

CARRIE: Do not give him money!

Why not?!

CARRIE: Because it's half mine, and I don't want you to!

Well, fine, then I'll just give him

twice as much from myhalf!

And you know what?

I'll drive him to the motel myself

in myhalf of the car! Come on.

Fine, and while you're gone,

I'm gonna bake you a nice, warm, flaky

my-leg-in-your-ass- up-to-my-knee pie for dessert!

That was such a reach.

What is the huge ruckus here?

It's all a man can do to take a simple 4-hour nap.

I'm sorry, Dad. It's--it's Doug.

He's just got me so--God!

What happened?

Okay, okay. Let me ask you a question.

If someone is married and then sneaks around

and has dinner with another person

even though they are not sleeping

with that other person,

would you say that that was wrong?

Look, darling, I know Douglas

isn't the most physically attractive man in the world,

but...I beg you

not to jump ship just yet.

Now, I have a book downstairs

of special positions for the overweight

that I think...

I think it could be a big help.

I am not talking about me.

I am talking about a friend.

And, uh, is that friend you?

No, it's not.

It's--it's Kelly.

And are you Kelly?

Dad, you don't have to give Kelly air quotes.

You know her.

Oh, my God!

How dare she cheat on that boy

while he's out working late

to pay for her fancy creams and powders!

She's not doing anything. He is.

Oh, and then Doug covers for him,

and like that's not bad enough,

he comes home tonight all lit up and happy,

because as it turns out

Deacon hasn't slept with this skankola... yet.

Like we should all give him some fat, frickin' award for that.

I told Doug he was wrong,

and I'm just-- I'm so mad at him.

You're not mad at him.

Uh, trust me. I am.

No, no, honey.

You see, you and Doug look to Deacon and Kelly

as an example of the perfect couple.

Now that their supposedly solid marriage is in trouble,

you start to wonder.

Who's to say yours isn't next?

You're not angry, cookie.

You're scared.

Wow, dad. That was a remarkably lucid thing to say.

Well, I'm coming right out of a nap.

[SIRENS SOUND]

You're home.

Yeah. I'm home.

[RING]

CARRIE [OVER PHONE]: You've reached the Heffernans.

We're not here to take your call,

-so leave a message. -[BEEP]

DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Arthur, are you there?

Arthur, I just left the house 2 seconds ago,

and you were there. Pick up.

Oh, no. I'm not falling for your games, big boy.

DOUG [OVER PHONE] Come on. Pick up.

I think I left the oven on,

and the pilot light is broken.

-No sale! -DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Arthur!

Arthur, come on, man!

I know you're there! Pick up the damn phone!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Pick up the phone, old man!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]