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1
00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,423
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
2
00:00:06,464 --> 00:00:07,424
Hello.
3
00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:08,717
DOUG: Oh, hey, Arthur.
It's me, Doug.
4
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:10,051
What can I
do you for?
5
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,177
DOUG: Actually, I just
called to check
6
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:12,387
the messages
off of the machine.
7
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:13,638
So just hang up
and I'll call right back.
8
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,182
-Gotcha.
-DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Okay.
9
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,148
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
10
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:25,400
Hello.
11
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:28,486
Arthur, didn't I just
ask you not to pick up?
12
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:29,904
No. You said
I should hang up
13
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:32,365
and you'd call
right back.
14
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,035
Okay, what I meant was I wanted
the machine to get it, not you.
15
00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:37,037
I'm trying to check
my messages.
16
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,496
You want me
to just check 'em for you?
17
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,415
DOUG: No, no. Thank you. No.
Last time you did that
18
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:43,877
you erased all the messages
and our outgoing messages
19
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:46,254
and unplugged the lamp.
20
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,548
Just let it ring, okay?
21
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,384
It's your world,
I just live in it.
22
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,891
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
23
00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,100
Yellow?
24
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,894
Arthur, what did I just say?
25
00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:02,354
I'm sorry, it's habit.
26
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,605
Well, do me a favor, break the
habit.
27
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,732
I'm runnin' out of freakin'
change here!
28
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,192
Fine.
29
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,202
Hello?
30
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,788
Arthur, what is this, some kind
of sick little joke?
31
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:22,707
I'm sorry, I've been answering
the phone my whole life.
32
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:27,295
You're asking me to undo 75
years of instinct in a moment.
33
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,255
That is not easy!
34
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,632
Just don't pick up.
35
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,259
Fine, I'm going
downstairs to lie down.
36
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,803
Well, thank you.
37
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,270
Yellow.
38
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:46,314
-Arthur!
-Oh, God!
39
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,233
DOUG [OVER PHONE]: What thehell is going on in your head
40
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,359
that you keep doing this?!
41
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:50,860
I need to understand!
42
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:54,406
SINGER: * My eyesare gettin' weary*
43
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,117
* My back is gettin' tight*
44
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:58,785
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
45
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,621
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
46
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:07,460
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
47
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:12,257
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
48
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:14,634
* 'Cause, baby, all my life*
49
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:19,889
* I will be drivin' hometo you*
50
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,690
CARRIE: Baby, you ready?
51
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,360
Let's hit it.
52
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,695
Cowboy boots?
53
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,697
That's right, ma'am.
54
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,532
So, what, you gonna
go rope yourself
55
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,117
a meatball sandwich?
56
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,078
I like 'em, plus they
were on sale at Thom Mcan.
57
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,955
Honey, just because
something is on sale,
58
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,457
doesn't mean
you have to buy it.
59
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,083
We discussed this
when you came home
60
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,169
with the microscope.
61
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,795
Now, go on.
Go change.
62
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,964
Fine, I'll change,
but not 'cause of you.
63
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,342
Only 'cause they hurt
like hell.
64
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:59,346
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
65
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,057
-Hello?
-Hey, it's me.
66
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:03,475
CARRIE: Oh, hey, Kel,
we were just about out the door.
67
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,185
-What's up?
-I'm glad I caught you.
68
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,062
We're going to have
to cancel on you tonight.
69
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:07,979
Oh, why?
70
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,273
Deacon has to work late
again.
71
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,566
Oh, that's crappy.
72
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,692
Well, how about we
do something tomorrow?
73
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,194
What about brunch
over here?
74
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:16,696
-I'll see you then. Bye.
-CARRIE: Okay, honey. Bye.
75
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:18,907
All right,
got my sneakers on.
76
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:22,577
The spotlight's back
on you now. Happy?
77
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,912
Kelly just called
and canceled.
78
00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:26,164
Deacon has to work
late tonight.
79
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,249
Really?
80
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,250
Hmm.
81
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,919
So you wanna
just do take-out?
82
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,420
All right.
How about Italian?
83
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,797
CARRIE: Honey, how about
we do Chinese?
84
00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,882
Do you wanna try that new place,
Tung Shing House?
85
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,259
You had me at Tung.
86
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,685
Hi, how you doin'?
My wife called in an order.
87
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:49,312
[BRITISH ACCENT]
What is your last name?
88
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:52,899
Hello, sir.
89
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,818
I'm sorry. You just...
90
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,278
you threw me with
the British thing there.
91
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,613
I grew up in Hong Kong.
92
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,615
I apologize if I'm not
ethnic enough for you.
93
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,450
Would you like me
to chink it up a little?
94
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,285
Che-chi-cho-
chee-chee-chi-cho.
95
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,370
No, no, no, no, no.
96
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,205
Please, it's no bother.
I'd love to.
97
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,624
-Hoy chee guy ko lee may nai--
-No, no, no, no!
98
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,501
My name's Heffernan.
It's right there.
99
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:12,585
18.50.
100
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,421
Okay.
101
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:15,672
It'll be ready
in a moment.
102
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,215
All right.
103
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,677
Thanks.
104
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,279
Hey, man!
105
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,363
Hey!
106
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,448
Hey.
107
00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,991
What's going on there,
chiefy?
108
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,534
Nothing much.
Just, uh...
109
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,910
just having
some dinner.
110
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,831
Dinner. Big fan. No secret
there, though, huh?
111
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,666
DEACON: Right, right.
112
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,210
So I thought you were--
who's your friend here?
113
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:56,463
Doug, this is Angie.
114
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:57,714
Hi. How you doing?
115
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:58,882
Nice to meet you.
116
00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:01,009
Deacon's told me
a lot about you.
117
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,344
Has he? 'Cause, uh...
118
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,888
he hasn't told me
that much about--hmm?
119
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,765
Oh, gosh. I guess
my order's ready.
120
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,851
Okay, uh, I guess
I will see you tomorrow.
121
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,394
I will see you
whenever or not.
122
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,855
Either way, it was a plea--
okay, I'm coming, okay?
123
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:16,274
I got to go.
All right.
124
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,030
I know this looks
a little weird.
125
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,074
No, no, no. You're just
pretending to work late
126
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,450
to meet with your lovely
vacation planner because
127
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:28,119
you're going to surprise
Kelly with a trip to Oahu.
128
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:28,828
No.
129
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,080
-No.
-Puerto Rico?
130
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,414
Amish Country?
Give me Amish Country.
131
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,208
No, man, no.
132
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:34,918
Then what?
133
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,836
It's what it
looks like, all right?
134
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:38,129
I can't believe this, man.
135
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,839
JOE: Hey, American G.I.,
your "a" number one
136
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,801
good time order ready.
137
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,345
That's enough of that, okay?
I get it.
138
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,888
Look, I should get back.
139
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,306
Just be cool about this,
140
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,392
and I promise
we'll talk tomorrow, okay?
141
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,310
We'll talk tomorrow.
142
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,775
You call this
a family restaurant.
143
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,655
ARTHUR: So I looked her
square in the eyes
144
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,408
and said, "Ma'am,
you are undoubtedly
145
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:10,412
the most fetching woman
in all of Shreveport."
146
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:11,955
And what did she say?
147
00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:16,084
My good sir, I do believe
you've given me the vapors.
148
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,754
Nice. Then what happened?
149
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,297
I knocked the barbecue
out of her hand,
150
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,966
bent her over
the porch railing,
151
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,427
and said, "I'll give you
more than vapors, you--"
152
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,429
CARRIE: Okay, enough.
153
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,935
Charming story
gone very wrong.
154
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,314
What's going on
with you two over there?
155
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,190
I'm fine.
156
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,692
You haven't eaten
a thing.
157
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,901
Yeah, you know what?
158
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,194
I'm really not--
I'm not hungry.
159
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,946
What?
160
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,783
I'm not hungry.
That allowed?
161
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,951
It's allowed.
162
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:52,704
I've just never
heard you say it.
163
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,913
Well, what's your story?
164
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:57,125
Uh, nothing.
Just tired.
165
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,085
If you could tell
your boss maybe one time
166
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,587
you can't work late.
167
00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,297
It doesn't work
that way.
168
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,299
KELLY: Well, why is it
always you that has to stay?
169
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,467
How should I know?
170
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,427
Well, I'd say it's
pretty damn clear why.
171
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:12,098
You got some crap work,
give it to the colored guy.
172
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,559
Arthur, there's nothing
going on at work. Now drop it.
173
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,227
Sure. Why not drop it?
174
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,854
By the way,
how's the weather
175
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:21,524
in the town of young,
white male-ville, huh?
176
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,860
For God's sakes,
everyone has to work late.
177
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:25,695
I work late all the time.
178
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:26,738
No, you don't.
179
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,781
Sure, I do.
180
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,075
When?
181
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:33,328
Actually, I have to work
late this coming Thursday.
182
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,080
Now, can we please,
in the sweet name
183
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,165
of all that is holy,
talk about something else?
184
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,708
Arthur, you were saying,
the story. You had her
185
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,502
bent over the railing.
Then what happened?
186
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,462
No, no, no.
Wait a second.
187
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,840
I thought you had Knicks
tickets for Thursday.
188
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,176
I do. I guess I just
won't be able to use them.
189
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,428
ARTHUR: Can I have 'em?
190
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:52,847
Yes, you may.
191
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,140
Sweet diggedy!
192
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,643
Oh, crap. Honey,
would you do me a favor
193
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,144
and grab me
a sponge?
194
00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,771
Yeah. You know what, Deac.
Why don't you give me a hand
195
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,358
in case the sponge is...
up high.
196
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,068
You got it.
197
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,031
All right, you said you'd talk
to me today, so talk to me.
198
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,324
What's up?
What's going on?
199
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,159
Angie's an old friend
from high school.
200
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,328
I hadn't seen her since,
but then she e-mailed me
201
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,663
a couple months ago, you know?
202
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,206
"How you doing?
What's going on?"
203
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,376
I e-mailed her back, and things
kind of took off from there.
204
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:23,712
What did you go
and e-mail her back for?
205
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,131
There are plenty of other things
to do on the internet.
206
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,051
You got your gambling,
your porn...
207
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,387
all the other stuff.
208
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,431
It's just that...
209
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:40,061
Angie and I really connect,
you know? We can talk.
210
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,939
With Kelly lately, she's got
her things going on,
211
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,941
I got my things,
and more and more
212
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,568
it just seems like
our things are different.
213
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,695
Just put your things that are
different together,
214
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:49,946
they did it with the Reese's
Peanut Butter Cup,
215
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:52,323
and it was a huge success.
216
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,576
-Douglas, quick question.
-What is it, Arthur?
217
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,244
Can I grab those Knick tickets
from you now?
218
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,246
You know what,
I'll give 'em to you later.
219
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,582
What if I don't see you later?
220
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:01,666
You live in our basement,
221
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,418
I will see you.
222
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,627
Give me a time!
223
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,004
Oh... three.
224
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,089
AM or PM?
225
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,092
If it's AM, I need to move some
things around.
226
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,844
Will you just leave us alone?
227
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,971
Fine!
228
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,974
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I haven't told anyone.
229
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,935
I'm not exactly proud of it.
230
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,604
Doug, honey, I think
you misunderstood.
231
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,899
I meant the indoor sponge,
not the outdoor sponge.
232
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,777
I was just talking
to Deac about my, uh...
233
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,945
Roy Orbison
collectible plate.
234
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,447
DEACON: Yeah, yeah.
235
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:36,534
Doug was saying how it may
or may not increase in value.
236
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,913
I hope it increases.
237
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,956
All right, well, my ears
are about to snap off.
238
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,249
I'm going
to head back inside.
239
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:46,127
Honey, you're getting
a snotsicle.
240
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:49,756
Look, we better
get back in there.
241
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,758
Look, I hate to put you
in this position, man,
242
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,220
but please, just be cool for
a little while longer, okay?
243
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,306
All right. Look, I got ranger
tickets for next month.
244
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,475
Don't blow that for me.
245
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,189
All right, you guys,
Thanks again. It was great.
246
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,941
Hey, let's do
a movie this week.
247
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:08,983
Yeah, I'll call you.
248
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,069
Okay. Whoo! Good people.
249
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,487
Nice people.
250
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,156
Solid people.
251
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:19,244
Doug, honey,
do I strike you as stupid
252
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,454
and/or unaware?
253
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:25,000
Nope. You are sharp
as a ginsu, pretty girl.
254
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,835
So then what's going on?
255
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,753
Not a thing.
256
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:33,758
Are you enjoying
that issue of Marie Claire?
257
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,926
Yes, I am.
258
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,845
By the way, I know
you're staring at me,
259
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:39,639
and it doesn't
bother me a bit.
260
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,642
Stare all you want.
There's nothing going on.
261
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,812
In fact, what's
going on with you?
262
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:48,231
Yeah, maybe there's something
going on with you.
263
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,524
Maybe I should stare
right back at you.
264
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,276
How would that feel, huh?
265
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,777
Mrrrr.
266
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,119
Eyes off!
267
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,080
All right,
so let me think about this.
268
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:06,499
You've been acting strange
ever since you came home
269
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:07,751
from the restaurant
last night.
270
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:11,421
Did--did something
happen there?
271
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:14,924
Maybe, but I'm not
at liberty to discuss it.
272
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:17,218
Did what happen
involve Deacon?
273
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:21,056
because you guys have been
acting very weird this morning.
274
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,809
Perhaps, but once again,
not at liberty.
275
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,604
You just got
those Knicks tickets,
276
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,482
so I know you're
not really working late.
277
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,984
Was Deacon really
working late last night,
278
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,278
or were you, like,
covering for him?
279
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,322
Okay, do you
understand the concept
280
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,240
of "not at liberty"?
281
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,201
If you called liberty
right now,
282
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,661
I wouldn't be there.
283
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,538
When you picked up
the food last night,
284
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,582
did you see Deacon there?
285
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,001
With another woman?
286
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,672
Yes, but that's all
you're getting out of me.
287
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,633
Oh, my God.
He's having an affair?!
288
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,968
You did not hear that from me,
okay? If it ever comes up,
289
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,681
you heard it from
a British Chinese guy.
290
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:06,142
Kelly is gonna be
so devastated.
291
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:09,104
Oh, you're not planning
on telling Kelly?
292
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,981
Doug, the man is running
around behind her back.
293
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,858
She has a right to know.
She's my best friend.
294
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,527
Well, he's my best friend,
and I already promised
295
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,654
-I wouldn't say anything.
-Well, tough! Doug,
296
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,030
I can't look her in the eyes
and not tell her.
297
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,699
So don't look at her eyes.
Look at her breasts.
298
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,867
That's what I do!
299
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:24,994
Doug, listen to me.
300
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,871
Hon, I know
this is tough on you,
301
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,331
but it's tough on me, too.
302
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,375
I'm sorry. If Deacon
doesn't tell Kelly,
303
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,128
I'm gonna have to.
304
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,505
There you are.
Look, we need to talk.
305
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,382
Yeah, I kinda need
to talk to you, too.
306
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,508
What's up?
307
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051
Man, I couldn't even
sleep last night.
308
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,804
I don't know, man,
I just feel like I really--
309
00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,640
Hey, Bergin, why don't you go
take that dog
310
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,683
for a walk, huh?
311
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:49,394
Yeah, good-bye.
Good-bye.
312
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,687
All right, go ahead.
313
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:52,689
I--I just feel like
I screwed up so bad, man.
314
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,232
And now I'm dragging
you into this.
315
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,984
And hey, I'm gonna pay you for
those knick tickets, all right?
316
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,861
You shut up. Come on. You think
I care about those, huh?
317
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,362
They were a gift
from Carrie's boss.
318
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,530
Right. Sorry.
319
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,198
Although they're worth
like, $160.
320
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,908
So if you want to toss me
something, that's your call.
321
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,368
Whatever.
322
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:08,621
I gotta tell you I did a lot
of thinking last night, and--
323
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,919
All right,
let's go over there.
324
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:17,881
And what?
325
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,467
I'm definitely gonna break
things off with Angie.
326
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:21,676
Excellent idea.
That's it, man.
327
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,303
You break things off
with Angie.
328
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,722
You tell Kelly, and everything's
back to ham and eggs.
329
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:28,224
Tell Kelly? Uh-uh.
No, no, no. No way, man.
330
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,268
Why not? I think
you're gonna be surprised.
331
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,770
She has very kind eyes.
332
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,646
Yo, she's hit me
with a frying pan,
333
00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,398
and it ain't like
in cartoons, man.
334
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,816
That sucker hurts.
335
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,443
You know what?
Let me come at this
336
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,236
from a slightly
different angle.
337
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:42,322
Carrie knows, and if you don't
tell Kelly, she will.
338
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,323
You told Carrie?!
339
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:45,075
I can't believe you,
man!
340
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,410
I didn't tell her.
She got it out of me.
341
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:48,411
How, Doug?
342
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:49,954
She stared at me.
343
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,248
You know, you just couldn't
keep your mouth shut, could you?
344
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,500
You know what you are?
345
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:54,918
-You're a yenteh.
-I am not a yenteh.
346
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,086
Yes, you are--yenteh, yenteh,
yenteh, yenteh.
347
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:57,545
Hey, why are you
giving me grief?!
348
00:13:57,587 --> 00:13:58,838
You're the one
who's sleeping around
349
00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,923
with someone else
who's not your wife!
350
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,466
What are you talking about?!
351
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,592
I never slept with Angie.
352
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,803
-What?!
-I never slept with her.
353
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,805
I mean, I'm not sure
what would have happened,
354
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,432
but so far, all we've done
is meet for dinner, you know?
355
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,725
Talk.
356
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,435
Guy, am I crazy,
or is that not the kind
357
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:14,604
of information
you lead with?!
358
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,439
I guess
what I figured I was doing
359
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,941
was still kinda cheating.
360
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,485
No, it's not,
you big dumb ox.
361
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,986
It's not that bad
at all.
362
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,738
Now you tell Kelly.
I'll tell Carrie.
363
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,699
We can get on
with our lives.
364
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,910
There! We just cheated
more than you ever did.
365
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,081
-Carrie!
-In here!
366
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,209
Great news,
my little chickie.
367
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,753
Turns out Deac is not
cheating with that woman.
368
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:39,879
What? What do you mean?
369
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,631
Just what I said.
He's not cheating.
370
00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:42,882
He's had
as much sex with her
371
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,135
as I've had with your dad.
372
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,053
And that's none.
373
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,139
But you saw them
in the restaurant together.
374
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,182
I mean, if they weren't having
an affair, what was going on?
375
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,809
They just meet for dinner.
They eat.
376
00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:53,977
They talk.
They connect.
377
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,812
-And does Kelly know?
-No.
378
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:58,273
-Then he's still cheating.
-No, he's not!
379
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,108
Yes, he is. Doug,
380
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,985
the man is
lying to his wife,
381
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,361
sneaking around
with another woman,
382
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,614
sharing intimate feelings.
That is cheating.
383
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,616
-No, it isn't!
-Yes, it is!
384
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,535
No. You got to be naked
to cheat.
385
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:11,745
Wrong!
386
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,913
So you're telling me,
if I met a woman,
387
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,373
and we went out
for a dinner or two,
388
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:18,168
and then say I forgot
to tell you about it, right?
389
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,045
-I would be cheating?
-Yes!
390
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,713
Really?
And that would be just as bad
391
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,340
as if I actually
slept with her?
392
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,799
Yes!
393
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,843
Good to know.
394
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:30,013
That's great.
That's really great, Doug.
395
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,264
Make your stupid
little jokes,
396
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:34,142
but I got to tell you,
I am stunned
397
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,894
that on something
as important
398
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,897
as the meaning of marriage
and commitment,
399
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,857
that we would be
so far apart.
400
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,108
DOUG: Yeah, well,
we are, my friend.
401
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,527
You're way over there,
and I'm way over here.
402
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,488
[RASPY VOICE]
Hello.
403
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:48,531
Oh, shut up.
404
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,450
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-I'll get it.
405
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:53,870
-What do you want for dinner?
-I don't care!
406
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,415
Deac,
what's going on, man?
407
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,750
I told Kelly,
and you know what?
408
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,377
You were wrong.
It is as bad as cheating.
409
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,672
I know. I'm in the middle
of the same argument.
410
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,674
-She threw you out?
-Yeah.
411
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,425
-With no shoes?
-Yeah,
412
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,552
and as hard as it is to
get a cab as a black man,
413
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:15,809
imagine trying to get one
as a black man with no shoes.
414
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,227
Hey, Carrie.
415
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,353
What does he want?
416
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:21,690
Easy, okay? He's been
tossed out shoeless.
417
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,400
I have nothing to say to him
418
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,901
or you or anybody else
419
00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:28,405
on this whole sickening
subject. Excuse me.
420
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:32,701
Sit down, man.
421
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:33,910
You're sure it's okay?
422
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:36,955
CARRIE:
No, it is not okay!
423
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,206
Hey, you know what?
424
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,083
I just figured out
what I want for dinner.
425
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,044
A nice, hot bowl
of shut-it stew!
426
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,219
CARRIE: Does he know
that he has a baby?
427
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,637
Ha! You know what?
I'm sorry.
428
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,097
I've had
shut-it stew before,
429
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:57,267
and it sure as diddly
didn't taste like that!
430
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,855
Hey, man, maybe you better
stay at a motel tonight.
431
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:04,441
Yeah. No, wait. Kelly kicked
me out without my wallet.
432
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,608
Can you lend me a few bucks?
433
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:06,860
Yeah, no problem.
434
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,279
CARRIE:
Do not give him money!
435
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,697
Why not?!
436
00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:13,324
CARRIE: Because it's half mine,
and I don't want you to!
437
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,868
Well, fine,
then I'll just give him
438
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:18,288
twice as much
from myhalf!
439
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,000
And you know what?
440
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,293
I'll drive him
to the motel myself
441
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:27,630
in myhalf of the car!
Come on.
442
00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:28,965
Fine,
and while you're gone,
443
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,009
I'm gonna bake you
a nice, warm, flaky
444
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:35,055
my-leg-in-your-ass-
up-to-my-knee pie for dessert!
445
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,058
That was such a reach.
446
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,483
What is
the huge ruckus here?
447
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:50,653
It's all a man can do
to take a simple 4-hour nap.
448
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,864
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's--it's Doug.
449
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,949
He's just got me so--God!
450
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,159
What happened?
451
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:59,120
Okay, okay. Let me ask you
a question.
452
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:03,124
If someone is married
and then sneaks around
453
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,085
and has dinner
with another person
454
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,420
even though
they are not sleeping
455
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:08,463
with that other person,
456
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,674
would you say
that that was wrong?
457
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,175
Look, darling,
I know Douglas
458
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,678
isn't the most physically
attractive man in the world,
459
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,514
but...I beg you
460
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,016
not to jump ship
just yet.
461
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:21,685
Now, I have
a book downstairs
462
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:24,354
of special positions
for the overweight
463
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:26,147
that I think...
464
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,859
I think it could be
a big help.
465
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:32,028
I am not talking
about me.
466
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:35,031
I am talking
about a friend.
467
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:38,410
And, uh,
is that friend you?
468
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,413
No, it's not.
469
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,374
It's--it's Kelly.
470
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,086
And are you Kelly?
471
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,672
Dad, you don't have to give
Kelly air quotes.
472
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,340
You know her.
473
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,216
Oh, my God!
474
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:54,718
How dare
she cheat on that boy
475
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,011
while he's out working late
476
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:59,264
to pay for her
fancy creams and powders!
477
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:03,727
She's not
doing anything. He is.
478
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,729
Oh, and then
Doug covers for him,
479
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,188
and like
that's not bad enough,
480
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,232
he comes home tonight
all lit up and happy,
481
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,650
because as it turns out
482
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,778
Deacon hasn't slept
with this skankola... yet.
483
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,906
Like we should all give him some
fat, frickin' award for that.
484
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,074
I told Doug
he was wrong,
485
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:21,453
and I'm just--
I'm so mad at him.
486
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,788
You're not mad at him.
487
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,540
Uh, trust me. I am.
488
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:26,916
No, no, honey.
489
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:30,045
You see, you and Doug
look to Deacon and Kelly
490
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,213
as an example
of the perfect couple.
491
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:36,426
Now that their supposedly
solid marriage is in trouble,
492
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,386
you start to wonder.
493
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,431
Who's to say
yours isn't next?
494
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,768
You're not angry, cookie.
495
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:48,229
You're scared.
496
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:52,609
Wow, dad. That was a remarkably
lucid thing to say.
497
00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:55,987
Well, I'm coming
right out of a nap.
498
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,678
[SIRENS SOUND]
499
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,260
You're home.
500
00:21:01,219 --> 00:21:03,221
Yeah. I'm home.
501
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,002
[RING]
502
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:38,298
CARRIE [OVER PHONE]:
You've reached the Heffernans.
503
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,758
We're not hereto take your call,
504
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,593
-so leave a message.
-[BEEP]
505
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,762
DOUG [OVER PHONE]:
Arthur, are you there?
506
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,764
Arthur, I just leftthe house 2 seconds ago,
507
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,058
and you were there.Pick up.
508
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:50,935
Oh, no. I'm not falling
for your games, big boy.
509
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:52,312
DOUG [OVER PHONE]
Come on. Pick up.
510
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:53,646
I think I leftthe oven on,
511
00:21:53,688 --> 00:21:56,608
and the pilot lightis broken.
512
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,735
-No sale!
-DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Arthur!
513
00:21:58,777 --> 00:22:00,445
Arthur, come on, man!
514
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,572
I know you're there!Pick up the damn phone!
515
00:22:02,614 --> 00:22:04,115
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
516
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:07,786
DOUG [OVER PHONE]: Pick upthe phone, old man!
517
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,789
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
37595
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