Original subtitles

SINGER: * My eyes are gettin' weary*

* My back is gettin' tight*

* I'm sittin' here in traffic*

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

* But I don't care 'cause all I want to do*

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you*

* 'Cause, baby, all my life*

* I will be drivin' home to you*

DOUG: * Doug, Doug, Doug!*

* How do you like it, how do you like it?*

* Doug, Doug, Doug!*

* How do you like it?*

Ha, ha! See what I did there?

I threw a little Doug in there.

-That's my new theme song. -Mmm.

Mmm. Well, I, for one, am gonna miss

Yellow Dougmarine.

What's going on here, pretty young thing?

I am making breakfast.

Mmm.

Come on, quit it.

What? It's strawberry shampoo.

They want you to eat it.

Mmm! [COUGHING]

-Hair? -[WHEEZES]

Y-you okay, there?

-Spectacular. -Wow.

Look at this mood you're in.

You're singing, you're eating my hair.

It's like having a little monkey around the house.

Well, I'm happy, you know.

Just one more week, and I'll be parking my butt

outside in the garage

in front of my 55-inch bad boy

watching Super Bowl XXXV.

That's 35 to all you non-roman people.

Gotta tell you, Doug, I love you at Super Bowl time.

You are a delight to be around.

Hey, you have your special days.

Your Christmas and whatnot.

I have this.

I just wish the Super Bowl came every day.

So do I, Carrie.

So do I.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -SUSAN: Who is it?

Uh, it's I.P.S. for Mrs. Susan Horowitz.

WOMAN [OVER TV]: Now I heard that menopause can start

when they're in their 20's. Is that true?

-Hi. -Hey, Bath and Body Works.

Someone's pampering herself.

Good for you.

-Where do I sign? -Oh, just right here.

Oh, my god, that television.

-Is that hi-def? -Uh, yeah, I guess so.

BOY: Ma, where's the peanut butter?

-It's in the pantry! -[BABY CRYING]

The detail is amazing.

-Oh, please don't cry, baby. -It's like star Jones

is actually in your living room.

BOY: There isn't any!

Then there isn't any!

Do you know if they're broadcasting

-the super bowl in hi-def? -They gotta be.

-They should be. -Yeah, I really don't know.

-My husband's the one who-- -BOY: Ma!

If you ask me for peanut butter one more time,

I'm gonna smack you!

-Are we done here? -They're talking

about menopause, yet I'm hypnotized.

-BOY: Ma-a-a! -Shut up!

Beautiful!

MAN [OVER TV]: And now only 99 cents.

I don't understand what you're saying,

the picture looks fine.

In fact, I wasn't in the mood for a chalupa before...

I am now.

You just don't get it do you?

What's your problem? I thought you loved this TV.

I did, until today when I saw the future... high def.

It's like when you have a kid.

You know, and you're really happy with that kid.

But then, you have a second kid.

And all of a sudden, you know what,

first kid doesn't look so good anymore.

You have some issues with Mom and Dad, don't you?

Yeah.

I'll be right with you.

Thank you.

All right, listen up.

I'm gonna ask for the most expensive

hi-def set they make,

then you say, "We can't afford that."

that way, it'll look like I'm buying one for real,

and not just buying one to return it

-after the Super Bowl. -Why am I saying "we"?

I mean, are we supposed to be a couple or something?

Yeah. So it just doesn't look like, you know,

we're 2 dudes who wanna watch the Super Bowl. You know?

We're together. We're committed.

Maybe we bought a townhouse.

All right.

What?

I just don't know how believable it's gonna be, you know?

That--that I'm with you.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just saying--

I know what you're saying, okay. It's fine.

Look, it's more the black-and-white thing.

I just don't think people are ready to--

Stop it.

-Ok, what do you need? -Uh, yeah,

this hi-def model right here.

Is this the most expensive one you carry?

Yeah, it is. It's also the best one on the market.

-It is a beauty. -Doug,

we can't afford it.

Excuse me, there's no "we" here, okay?

We broke up. Now move on.

Sorry about that. He's...

anyway, uh, yeah, I will take it,

and that'd be great.

Any chance you could deliver it by, uh,

I don't know, maybe Sunday?

Tomorrow between 12:00 and 6:00.

Good. Great. Stellar.

Ahem.

So what's the, uh, return policy

on one of these bad boys? What is it, like, 30 days?

Why?

You're not just gonna buy it for the Super Bowl

and then return it, are you?

Is that not encouraged?

Carrie.

Someone's been parking in my spot,

do you have any idea who I talk to about that?

Uh, did you leave a note?

-No. -Did you call the parking office?

[CHUCKLES] I'm going to level with you,

when I asked, "Who can I talk to about this",

I really meant, "Who could you talk to about this."

Ahh... OK, I'll call right after I make your raisin toast.

Thank you much.

Hey, Car.

Hi, baby!

Ah, Mr. Pruzan,

you remember my husband Doug?

-Sure, I do. -Good to see ya.

Yeah. Remember my joke from last time, Doug?

My name's Doug, and your name's Doug,

-so in Spain, we'd be... -Doug y Doug.

-Like the actor. -Yes.

Ooh, hey, if were named Mark, we'd be Mark y Mark.

Not following you, Doug.

Is that a person?

No. No.

So what are you doing in the city?

I was just over at the wiz pricing those hi-def TVs.

Let me ask you something.

How opposed are you to dancing at night?

Doug, why do you want a hi-def TV?

You have a great TV. I bought you the best TV

-they had. -Yeah, in the nineties.

I tell you, those hi-defs are amazing.

They gave me one of those when I made partner.

-They did? -Yeah. Beautiful picture,

but it's still the idiot box. Am I right?

They gave him a TV.

You know what they got me when I got promoted?

A cat mug.

"Con-cat-ulations."

He has hi-def.

Yeah, so?

So, you know, invite him to my poker game tonight!

Eww! No!

Why would I do that?

Hello! Brownie points for you with your boss

and maybe an invite to watch the Super Bowl

-on hi-def for me! -Doug, he is my boss, okay?

I do not want him in my home.

That is my turf!

Your turf? Okay, when exactly

did you become Pinky Tuscadero?

Okay, can I get back to work now, please?

I have a very serious parking situation to deal with.

No, Carrie. You obviously don't understand

what's going on here!

I'm talking hi-def. Hi-def!

Oh...

yeah. That means nothing to me.

Let me try to explain it to you.

Look at me. Look at me! Look at me!

[SIGHS]

-Are you looking? -Yes, I am looking.

Okay. Now if I were on hi-def,

I'd be sharper and more lifelike

than I am right now, not to mention wider.

Shut it.

Carrie, I'm gonna need those files when you get a chance,

-if I'm not interrupting. -Oh, no, no. No problem.

No. We were just talking about my poker game tonight

that I need another guy for.

Huh.

Well, I'm feelin' a little wild here.

Dealer bets 15 cents.

-Whoa! -Oh!

You're scaring me. Ooh!

I'm out.

It looks like somebody's scared.

Whoa. Don't get The Hulk angry.

You won't like him when he's angry.

Good one.

Ha ha ha!

Well...

eh--I'm out. Good luck, gentlemen.

All right, I'll take a ride.

-As will I. -And comin' around...

Well, this is great, huh?

Male bonding. Just me and the guys.

And my sister.

We oughta do this more often, right, Deac?

Huh? Oh, right. Um...

but not next Sunday,

'cause that's the Super Bowl.

That's right, it is. Where are we, uh...

where are we watchin' that, anyway?

I don't know. I have to admit,

it rather snuck up on me this year.

All I know is something like that

should be seen on a television with definition that's...

fairly high. Am I right?

You're right. Can't argue with someone who's right.

Ladies, wanna swap recipes later?

I'm trying to play some cards here.

Ooh! You're a feisty one, aren't ya?

Yeah, I'm down $3.00, and I'm PMSing big time.

So, Lou, now that you've moved into the neighborhood,

we should hit the weights together.

Um, I start really early in the morning.

Yeah, that's cool.

See, here's where I'm at.

I wanna work out...

but I don't wanna get pumpedpumped.

I mean, all those big muscles are gross.

Uh...no offense.

-Right. -See,

I just wanna get ripped.

You know, I'd like Mitch Gaylord's body.

I'll bet you would.

And the king bets 40 cents.

Ooh!

Big man! Well,

I'll call you, and I'll raise you 50 cents.

Mmm. I'm aroused.

Ok, call.

3 kings.

-Uh-oh! -Oh!

You know...

all I've got is...

all hearts. Wait a minute.

I do believe that's a flush!

Ha ha!

Nicely played.

Nicely played. Speaking of nicely played,

you know what I hope is nicely played?

The Super Bowl!

Who's with me, huh? Show of hands.

All right! There ya go.

Doug, this Rheingold went right through me.

-Where's the head? -It's upstairs.

Thanks.

MAN [OVER TV]: You're watchingIntimate Portrait:

Rue McClanahan.

No, I'm not!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

-Hey, Carrie. -Oh! Hi! Hi!

I was just on my way to the little boys' room,

thought I'd stop in and say hey.

Hey back atcha!

It's the first door on the left.

I can hold it.

I gotta tell ya, Carrie,

you guys have quite a little nest here.

Oh, thank you.

So...

what time tomorrow, 9:00?

Question for ya, Car.

Is your sister-in-law seeing anyone?

'cause I find her delightful.

-Stephanie? -I sense a spark.

-You and Stephanie? -Yeah, yeah.

I know I'm something of a ladies' man

around the office,

but in a couple of years, that's gonna stop being cute

and start being pathetic.

Stephanie's very different from the women

I usually date. She's...

real.

I'd like to try something real.

Actually, you know what, the thing is,

she's actually not that real.

Ha ha! That's funny.

Why don't you run it past her and get back to me?

-Ok. -Great.

Ooh! Facts of life!

-Hi. -What's your problem?

Aw, Pruzan didn't bite.

Now I gotta watch the Super Bowl on my 55 inch piece of poop.

And what's the story here? We building a tower?

Just too sad to do dishes.

Oh, my poor baby.

Ow!

You think you had a bad night?

-No. -You wanna know

what I did tonight? I had a slumber party

with Pruzan. Yeah.

We talked about relationships

and then we watched The Facts of Lifemarathon.

You love The Facts of Life.

I told you. I told you this would happen!

-My turf! -All right, well, I'm sorry.

All right. It's done. He's gone.

Eech! He kept going on and on,

asking me questions about Stephanie,

you know, and meanwhile, I'm sitting there

in my pajamas with the hole in the crotch!

It was horrible!

Wait a minute. What do you-- what do you mean

he was asking questions about Stephanie?

He wants to date her.

Oh--it's so gross.

I mean, it's like having a pigeon in the house.

Did you tell her yet?

No, I didn't tell her.

What do you mean you didn't tell her?

I'm not telling her. This dies with me.

Carrie, what if they were meant to be with each other?

Yeah, what if god is using you to bring them together?

If you don't, it's like you're doing the opposite

of what god wants, which pretty much makes you the devil!

The devil.

Okay, if anyone is the devil here, it's you.

Yeah, it's me. Yeah, right. Okay, right.

The devil always goes around trying to make love grow.

Whatever.

Doug, the only reason you wanna set up Pruzan with your sister

is so you can watch the Super Bowl on hi-def,

and that's evil.

It's not my fault that doing something nice for Stephanie

may also work out well for me.

I know that pains you what with you being the devil.

Doug, he is not right for her. Trust me.

He is totally weird, okay?

She needs a nice, normal guy,

not a guy who collects marionettes.

Who's to say who belongs with who?

I mean, look, who'd put us together?

Look at us? I mean, I could sit on you and kill you,

yet we make it work.

Okay, let it go.

No, Carrie. You don't understand.

My sister's not like you.

She doesn't have a million guys after her.

Right now, she only has one,

and, thanks to you, she'll never know that.

Oh, my god. All right,

so this is the way it's gonna go, huh?

You're willing to make me feel like crap

so you can watch the super bowl on high-def?

Hey, you push a dog into a corner, she gonna bite.

Okay, my last Phys-Ed question:

are the dodgeball and the kickball

the same ball?

You can use the same ball, yeah,

but you let a little air out of the dodgeball.

Wow! There's so much for a gym teacher to know.

Kudos to you.

She also teaches junior lifesaving.

Tell him about the, uh, buddy system. Go ahead. Tell him.

-Now? -Yeah.

I was gonna use that as my closer.

Closer! Ha ha ha!

-That is funny! -Whoa! We got

a laughter here. Look out.

Can I open the goobers now? I'm starving.

Excuse me. But you know I save all my candy

for the start of the previews.

Have we just met?

Hey, you know who's a big goober guy--

Arnie Grant in litigation.

He loves 'em.

Does he? What a kook.

I'm talkin' about the office again.

Guess that's one of the pitfalls

of dating your assistant's sister-in-law.

"Assistant's sister-in law."

Hey, that's hard to say.

That is hard to say.

Assister's-- sister-in-law--

I got it all messed up. Ha ha ha!

You try.

Anyway, we're thinking of having a Super Bowl party

next Sunday.

-You think you'd be into coming? -Sure. That'd be great.

You know what, don't get too excited,

though, 'cause our TV ain't so hot.

The picture's kinda grainy.

Then why don't you and your friends just come over

to my place and watch the game?

Your place?

I guess that would work. Okay, thanks.

I'm gonna go get a soda.

You know what? Get me an Icee with an extra squirt of flavor!

I don't think she heard you, Doug. I'll go.

Can I get you something, too?

You look like a snowcap girl to me.

Do I?

Actually, I'm very allergic, but thank you.

* I think he likes you*

Of course he likes me. All freaks like me.

You're a real piece of work, you know that?

You manage to find something wrong with

every guy you go out with.

Jonathan had no friends. Gil wasn't tall enough.

Tony was too into his cats.

He blow-dried them every morning.

Look, Steph...

there's no such thing as the perfect guy.

The best you can do is look for someone who's nice

and cares about you.

But you're never gonna find that

because you don't give people a chance.

Yeah, I guess.

Just go out with him for a little bit,

see how it feels.

Fine. Fine.

How long do you think I should give it?

Well, if you insist on putting a clock on love,

just give it till the last Sunday in January.

That seems like a good cutoff point.

MAN [OVER TV]: Welcome to the following presentation

of the National Football League from CBS Sports...

I gotta hand it to you, man.

You wanted a high-def Super Bowl, and...

well, god bless you, you didn't stop till you got it.

Thanks, guy.

I gotta tell ya, these last couple of days

have been a blur.

I'm not even sure I went to work.

Look at this, man!

The pregame show has never been so real.

It's like Ditka is pissed at me.

You know what's really fun? If you close your eyes

and then open them, it's like you're seeing it

for the very first time.

And that's the whole tour.

It's very nice, Doug.

I don't think I've ever seen so many marionettes before.

Well, they're my family.

I'm gonna go see what Carrie's up to in the kitchen.

Great. I'll be here hangin' with the guys.

Hey, watcha doin' there?

Oh, making icing seams

on these little football brownies.

As soon as I finish, please kill me.

-You want some help? -Yeah.

Grab one of those squeezy tubes.

Ok.

So what is this, like your, uh...

third or fourth date with Pruzan?

Yup.

So I guess you really like him, huh?

Oh, he's a really nice guy,

and I'm really getting to like him a lot.

[GUHH]

What was that?

-What? -Just sounded like you

were gonna throw up.

Me? No, no. No.

Ok.

-[GUHH] -Okay, Steph,

I'm gonna have to ask you

to take a step away from the brownies now.

Carrie, I can't do this.

I can't do this anymore.

You can't do what? What?

Go out with freako.

He's the weirdest guy I've ever met.

He has marionettes sitting on chairs.

Yes! Yes! He is a freak.

I knew you couldn't like him. I knew it!

What?! Then why did you set me up with him?

Doug made me.

Why did you keep goin' out with him?

Doug made me!

He isthe devil.

MAN [OVER TV]: And those are your starting lineups.

Doug, I really need to talk to you.

Doug, she needs to talk to you.

-[MMEEEOOWWW] -Shut up, Spence.

Right-o.

Hey, tell you what, Steph.

Halftime, after Britney Spears, I'm all yours.

Come on, Steph. Why don't you take a seat

-right here on my lap? -No.

I really need to talk to my brother right now.

-Alright? -Come on, Steph.

Come and sit on pappy's lappy.

I don't want to sit on pappy's lappy.

Sure you do. It's smooth like a Western saddle.

I don't want to sit on your lap.

I don't even want to go out with you!

I just did it 'cause my dumb-ass brother made me!

I have a lot more girls for you.

Gwen? Gwen from accounting? Everyone's had her.

I'm gonna hook that up. I'm gonna hook that up.

I'm just--I'm just gonna put this here.

You guys can nosh on that.

You make peace with your god. You die tonight.

All right.

Well, we got the skirts outta here.

Now we can watch the game without a lot of,

without a lot of yap-yap. All right.

MAN [OVER TV]: CBS Sports presents Super Bowl XXXV...

I'm such a fool.

Way to go, Pruzan.

You lost her because you moved too damn fast.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

[CHANGES CHANNEL TO FIDDLER ON THE ROOF]

W-what happened?

He switched the channel to AMC.

Well, change it back, man.

I can't. He cracked the remote. It's not changing.

Well, change it on the TV!

-I don't see any button. -It's smooth.

Well, maybe there's a panel that pops up.

No, man.

A lot of these are voice-activated.

Channel, change! Channel, change!

-Channel 2. -Super Bowl.

Welcome home.

Super Bowl.

Maybe it detects motion, man.

For the love of god, football now!

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Whoa! A one-handed catch!

He's at the 20. He's at the 10.

Touchdown! Oh, my!

Now that's one you have to actually see to believe!

[CHANGES STATION TO SPANISH MUSIC]

SINGER: * Is this the little I girl Carried?*

* Is this the little boy at play?*

SINGER: * I don't remember growing older*

* When did they?*

SINGER: * When did she get to be...*

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]