All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E12 - Wedding Presence WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

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* My eyes
are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight *

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life *

* I will be drivin' home
to you *

I can't get this stupid
ketchup packet open.

Just tear on the little
dotted line.

The dotted line
means nothing.

It's like the "Door Close"
button on an elevator...

It's all show.

Here. Give it to me.

There you go.

Thanks. I need
about 12 more.

Well, he's right,
there's not a lot of ketchup
in one of these bad boys.

Thank you.
They should be bigger.

Like the size
of a pillow.

Yeah, or like a mattress.

How cool would that be,
like sleeping on ketchup?

Hey...
Ohh...

OK, can we talk about
something other than ketchup?

We're paying our sitters
$7 an hour.

Oh, my God!
Hey, you guys!

ALL: Hey!

Guy and Lisa! Hi!

Look at this little
Parkside Apartments reunion.

What's up, man?

Oh, nada much.
Nada much.

I miss you. I haven't
seen you in forever.

I know.

I totally understand.

I know how busy
you guys are.

You two are so hard
to get a hold of.

Actually, I do
owe you a call.
Yes. You're good.

Well, I am really happy
that we ran into you,
'cause guess what?

We're finally
getting married!

Oh, my God!
Whoa! What the--
together!

Good work, man.

Definitely.
I, uh, rented
a hot air balloon

and popped the question
1,000 feet over New Jersey.

Oh. I'm glad
she said "Yes,"

'cause that would have
been an awkward float down.

Oh. Oh. Please,
please, please tell me

you're available
the third next month,

because you are all
so important to me,

and I really, really,
wanna have you there.

Of course we'll be there.
We'll be there with bells on.
We wouldn't miss it.

Oh. Us, too.
Well, we're-- We're there.

Oh, yay! I'm so happy
you're gonna make it.

I mean, Doug and Carrie,
I know how busy
you guys are.

We will see you there?

OK.
Yeah.

Alrighty.
Bye.

Wow. They're
finally doing it.
That's great.

I know.
It is great.

Yep. It's pretty great.

DEACON: Mmm.

Is it me, or has
she gotten more annoying?

Definitely kicked it up
a notch. Yes.

Come on, you guys.
Stop it. She's fine.

Yeah, and the wedding's
gonna be fun.

I mean, it's one afternoon
of your life,

so quit your bitching.

Hey, who's bitching?
As long as there's a guy

with a big hat
carving roast beef,

I'm one jolly S.O.B.

How do?

Hey.
Mmm.

Hon, I can't
figure out
what to make.

How do you feel
about eggs
for dinner?

It's unconventional,
but I'll allow it.

Oh, Douglas.
Just the man I was
hoping to find.

Hey. Arthur-itis.

I'll say a phrase, and I want
your instant reaction.

Don't think. Just speak.

Half-price footwear. Go.

Pass. Next question.

Style-Rite shoes
is having a father
and son shoe sale.

Father buys a pair,
son gets a pair for free.

If we go in together,
we get 2 for 1,
and we split the cost.

All I need
is for you to pretend
you are my son.

Right. Right. No.

You do understand
we are talking about
half-price footwear?

Yes, I do understand that.
I also understand

that you had some kind
of sausage for lunch.

Sorry. Not interested.

Fine. You have just
wise-guyed your way

out of a very
sweet deal, friend.

You picked yourself
a real loser, darling.

Hey, look at this.
We got Lisa and Guy's
wedding invitation.

Oh, really?
Open it. Open it.

Yeah?
Yeah.

OK. Could have done
without the confetti.

Read it.

All right. Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Da da da da.

Just the usual stuff,
really.

Hey. Fun fact.
Guy's mother's name
is "Midge."

[LAUGHS]
Midge.

So where's the wedding?
At Leonard's?

Uh, that would be
in chapter 2.

Uh, the Dellecave Manor...

Oh, sweet God.

What?

It's in Maryland.

What?

Gaithersburg, Maryland.

We gotta go to Maryland.

Let me see that.

What? You don't think
I can read?

That's like
a 5-hour drive.

This is an all weekend
stay overnight thing.

She tricked us.

We're not going. You know,
they're friends, yes,

but they're not
"drive to Maryland" friends.

Doug, we have to go.
If we don't,

we're not gonna
be friends with them
at all.

Great. Where do I sign?

Doug, I said
we were free.
You heard me,

and I said
we'd be there
with bells on.

But that was before
you remembered that...

my Uncle Shmelman
was coming to visit
that weekend

and could possibly
be dying if necessary.

No. We can't
make up an excuse.

Why not?
Do you remember
our wedding?

They were in Munich,
and they flew back early

so they
could be there.

Do you know
where Munich is?

I'll tell you one thing.
It's a lot closer
than Maryland.

Doug, if we don't go,
I will never hear
the end of it.

You know how Lisa is.

I miss returning
one of her phone calls,

and she's,
"Oh, you're so busy,

and you're so hard
to get a hold of."

Could you imagine
if we skipped
their wedding?

"Oh, so sorry
we missed you
at the wedding.

Good thing we flew in
from Munich for yours,

or we'd never see you."

We're going.
Deal with it, hon.

Well, if we go,
I'm punching Midge.

I don't know
about this, Arthur.

I mean, pretending
to be your son,

that's--that's
kind of like lying.

Oh, you don't
like lying,

but you sure
jumped for joy

when I mentioned
half-price shoes,
didn't you?

Now, shut
your pie-hole

and start
calling me "Daddy."

Hey, there.
Can I help you?

Uh, yes. I'd like
to see these
in a 9 1/2.

What would
you like, son?

Clarks Wallabees.
Size 7.

That's my boy.

Hey, uh, you
and your son sit tight,
and I'll go grab 'em.

He bought it!
Ha ha! What a rush!

Just out of curiosity,

what's the story
with your real father?

Oh, uh...

he walked out
on me and my mom
when I was 2.

Then, uh,
this little charade

must be very painful
for you.

Yeah. Actually, uh--

Shut up. He's coming.

Found 'em both.

Oh. Terrific.
You know, it's funny.

I remember
the very first pair

of big boy shoes
I bought for this kid.

You know what he said?

"My toes got
their own house now."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ah.

So, uh, how do those fit?

Wonderfully.
They remind me of my first
G.I. government issue.

You served in W.W. II?

Army. 71st Infantry.

You're kidding.
The 29th.

I mean, we were the guys
that went in first...

I mean, cleared the way
for you.

Cleared the way? It was
no picnic for us, you know.

Yeah, but we took
a hell of a lot
more casualties.

Well, sure, but you understand
how difficult it was for us...

tripping over
all your bodies?

Hey, Dad? We're out
of the Rockport Loafers.

I'll call in
an order, 'K?

Thanks, Scotty.

That's my son.

Good lookin' boy.

Straighten up.

Hey, I got an idea.

What do you say we go out
for dinner and drinks?

We bring our boys, we tell them
how the war really was,

how my unit
saved your ass...

You mean
how we saved yours,

but, uh, we'll pick
this up at Tony Roma's.

Uh, actually, Dad,

I'm kind of busy
with things
right now.

I don't have time.

Well, you sure
find time to shoe shop.

You can't sit
with these good people

for an hour
and have dinner?

Now, take those off
and go wait for me
in the car.

And that's the cheapest
room rate you have?

You do realize
you're in a town
in Maryland

no one outside of the state
has ever heard of?

Tell them we're
Triple-A members.
Tell them.

Yeah. Just for one night.
Uh-huh.

Tell them
we're Triple-A.

Sometimes they give
you a discount.

All right. Well, thank you.
Bye-bye.

Why are we a member
of an auto club

if you won't
bring it up?

I did. Before you came in.

189 bucks is the best rate
they can give us.

Can't we just mark "No"
on this RSVP card?

It would be so simple.
2 little letters. N-O.

We can't.
We're in too deep now.

Lisa called me last night,
and I actually said again

we'd be there
with bells on.

Again with the bells?
What is your obsession
with bells?

They flew in from Munich.

Oh, come on.

And you know
what the worst thing is?

We go down there,
we give up our entire weekend,

we eat terrible
catered food,

and they have,
like, 300 guests coming.

We'll see them
for maybe 10 seconds.

Somehow,
I always end up

in the middle of
a cluster of cousins

during the YMCAdance.

Well, that's just because
you do it so well.

I know.

I mean, remember
Tedi and David's wedding?
We never saw them.

They would have never known
that we were even there.

OK. I just--
I just had a thought.

What?

300 guests.
We'll--We'll never
even see them.

We should just
not go and say we went.

What? We can't do that.

I'm not sure we can't.

But it--
Isn't it illegal?

No. Not at all.
You just said

we'll see them
for 10 seconds, maybe.

Who's to say
we weren't there?
We could do this.

Do we dare?

Yes...

And then,
a week from now,
we call them,

and we say
we had a good time,

and how great she looked,
and that we're sorry

we couldn't spend
more time with them.

Mr. Heffernan,
you just might
be on to something.

So, you in?

I don't know.
I'm scared.

Yes. Yes. OK.
There you go!

This is one
of the greatest
ideas I ever had...

And I thought
of Double Stuf Oreos

way before
it was realized.

OK. RSVP "Yes",

and we will have
the chicken.

Wait. What--What's
the other choice?

Steak.
You know what?

Mark me down
for that.

We're not going.
What's the difference?

Such a red flag.
They look at it and go,

"What? Doug's
not having the steak?

What the heck's
going on here?

Are they
pretending to come?"

OK. I don't think
they'd jump to that,

but all right.
Steak it is.

You know what? I will go
for the steak, too.

All right.
OK.

We're doing this.

OK. I'm doing this.

This is living.
I did it. OK...

And we are
officially saying

we are going to a wedding
and not going.

Make love to me.

The place cards.

Doug. Wake up.
I just thought
of something.

What?
The wedding.

If we don't show up,
Lisa and Guy will see

that our place cards
weren't picked up.

They'll know
we weren't there.

So that's all we really
need you to do.

Just, you know,
pick up our place cards.

And then push the food
around on our plates
so it looked like we ate.

Yeah. Basically
just keep us alive.

DOUG: And as a bonus,
if--if you actually

want anything
from our plates,

like, if you want
a second steak

or some more potatoes,
go to town.

Is that all?

Well, you know what?
Hey, actually,

at some point
during the night,

I want you to go to the bar,
pick up 2 drinks,

then walk by Guy
and go, "What's up, man?

Where's Doug?
I got his drink? Hey."

Do you understand
that we don't want
to go to Maryland, either?

Hey. Let's--Let's
jump on their plan.

I mean, we could just
pretend to go, too.

Oh. No, no, no.
You can't.
No way. No way.

There's no way
4 people can
"fake" be there.

No. No. It's way
too obvious.

Besides, I thought
of it first.

What do you mean,
you thought of it first?

You didn't invent the idea
of pretending to be somewhere

when you're not really there.

Yes, I did.

Well, too bad.
If we have to go,
we're not gonna help.

Please, Kel? Please?
I'm begging you.
Help us out here.

[SIGHS]
Oh, all right.

What?

We're going anyway.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

And one other thing...

If you wouldn't mind
giving them this,

we'd really
appreciate it.

Thanks so much.
Really.

DOUG:
Hey, this is Doug.

CARRIE:
And this is Carrie.

We can't come
to the phone right now

'cause we're in Maryland.

We're back on Sunday,
but you know what to do.

Do it after the beep.

Good, 'cause
we're in Maryland.

[BEEPS]

I think they got
the point. Yeah.

How sweet is this?
Yeah.

We would have
been driving for 5 hours,

and instead,
I'm parking my heiny
on the living room couch.

It's pretty sweet,
isn't it?

We got the whole weekend
ahead of us.

Oh, yeah.
Relax-e-a-she-on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who's that?

I--I don't know.

Hi.
Hey.

Guess what?
My kid has 103 fever.

What?

Yeah. So it turns out

Kelly and I can't go
to the wedding.

I just called Lisa and Guy
in Maryland and canceled.

They were disappointed,
but they totally understood.

Who's gonna
keep us alive?

Mmm. Not sure, so, um...

let me give
you this back,

and since I guess
you'll have to go,

if you wouldn't mind, uh...

drop off Kelly
and my gift, would ya?

But we had
an arrangement.

A very sick kid. Sorry.

I actually
should get back to him.

We're supposed
to bathe him in cold water,

so...see ya!

So that's all
we were wondering.

If you could just make it
look like we were there.

You know, pick up
our place cards,

dump some food
off our plates...

Yeah, and, uh,
if you could just,

uh, you know,
give them this here.
All right?

Oh, and, uh...

Just this right there.
That'd be great.
Thanks. Yeah.

So you want us
to lie to Lisa and Guy

and make it look
like you're there?

Yeah. So,
what do you think?

To be honest,
I think that's awful.

I'd be very uncomfortable
doing that.

I was gonna say
the same thing.

Fair enough.
Fair enough.

So what else
is goin' on?

[PIANO PLAYING]

So, Scotty runs
the store with me,

and at night, he takes
classes at St. John's.

He's getting
his business degree.

Yeah. When I'm done,
we're gonna see

if we can turn our place
into a chain.

Maybe open up some franchises
around Long Island.

Quite a boy, huh?

Yeah. Quite a boy.

So, Spence,
what do you do?

He owns the subway.

I work in the subway.

I--I sell
tokens and maps,

the occasional
Metrocard.

And would it kill you
to go to school at night?

I don't want
to go to school.

Yeah? Well,
there's a new thing out
called "ambition." Get some.

Fruit of my loins.
Emphasis on fruit.

Hey, leave me alone,
will you?

I'll leave you alone
when you take

a little responsibility
for your life! Be a man!

Shut up!
Just shut up!

The mouth he gets
from his mother.

Hey! Leave my mother
out of this.

Uh, I think I'll go
check on our table.

Actually, uh,
I'll go with you, Dad.

Yeah. Uh, look,
I think I'm gonna
get going.

What are you talking about?

We're gonna have
a delicious dinner.

Yeah. Well, I'm just not
very hungry. Good-bye.

Yeah. Go ahead.
Run away,

but there are
a million boys like
Scott out there,

and you can't run away
from all of them!

What the hell
is going on?

Why are you being
so mean to me?

Have I said one thing
that isn't true?

Look at yourself.
You're 34 years old,
and you've gone nowhere!

You work underground
like a ferret!

Yeah. OK. You know what?
Fine. You're right,

but just once
during this entire time

that you've been
pretending to be my father

would it have killed you
just once to say, uh,

"You're--You're
a good boy, Spence,"

Or "I'm proud of you,
Spence"?

"I love you, Spence."
Would that have killed you?

Oh, God.
What have I done?

It's gonna be OK, boy.

No! You can't say
I called you with this.

Who's that?

The band leader
for the wedding.

OK. What I'm
asking you to say

is "Doug and Carrie
just requested
this song."

No! Honey,
you have to say
that I justdid it.

OK. You know what?
Never mind. You--OK.
Thank you. Bye.

Uh, no help,
this guy over here.

Jeez. What is up
with people?

Well, the wedding's
in 2 hours.

I'd say we're
pretty much screwed.

Yeah. It's,
uh, it's over.

You know
what I wonder?

What's that moment
gonna be when--

when they
finally realize
we didn't show up?

How's it gonna
come out?

Will the gay couple
tell 'em?

The band leader?
Our accountant?

Here's how
it's gonna happen...

Guy and Lisa are gonna
come to our table

to thank us for sharing
their special day,

and all they're gonna find
are 2 uneaten steaks

and a dirty little secret.

How we doing on time?

We're still
3 hours away.

Damn! Well, drive faster.
Maybe we can make it there

before they bring out
the frickin' cake.

Ooh. Bear left.
We need the 95 south.

OK.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Hand me
the Snapple bottle.
I gotta pee.

There they are! Hurry up!
I can see them!
They're leaving!

I can't run
in these heels!

Why are you
wearing heels?

It's a wedding.

Aah!

CARRIE: Lisa! Guy!
We're here!

Hey! Doug here!
The steak was delicious!

We're here! We're here!

Hey! We're here!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Whoo! Hey!

Oh. They're gone.
We missed 'em.

They probably
couldn't see us

through all
the frickin'
bubbles.

OK. There's no way
we drove all the way
to Maryland

and we're not
getting credit
for it.

Come on. Come on.
Here. Take 'em.

I--I'm sorry. This
is groom's family only.

That's right. I'm, uh,
I'm his, uh, step-nephew.

All right. Hey.

Groom's family only,
please.

All right. All right.
Fine. Sorry. Sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry.

OK. Everybody say,
"Wedded bliss."

ALL: Wedded bliss.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Groom's family only.

* People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend *

* He's a warm-hearted
person *

* Who'll love me
till the end-a *

* People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend *

* He's a one-boy
cuddly toy *

* My up, my down,
my pride and joy *

* People, let me
tell you 'bout him *

* He's so much fun *

* Whether we're
talkin' man to man *

* Or whether we're
talkin' son to son *

* 'Cause he's
my best friend *

* Yeah, he's my best
friend, la la *

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