Original subtitles

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Hey, how you doing?

Fine, thanks.

I'm Lou. I just moved in next-door.

So you did.

Excuse me!

ARTHUR: Hey! You're not going to believe who's outside.

Lou Ferrigno.

DOUG: Ferrigno? Get out of here.

I'm telling you, it's him!

The Incredible Hulk!

He just moved in next-door!

CARRIE: You're crazy.

I was just-- I was just lookin' for something.

Oh, here it is!

Great, got it. Thanks.

Hey.

Hey.

Well, everything looks good in here.

San-i-ta-ti-on.

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

MALE CLERK: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

Can I help you with something? I got great deals here.

Uh, yeah. Actually, looking for a gift for the wifey. Um...

You know what? Can I see those 2 cameras right there?

These are both excellent. I have them both at home.

Does this one have a zoom?

Yes, it does.

It doesn't say zoom on the sticker.

Then it doesn't have it.

So, can I ring you up?

Hang on a sec. Deac!

What do you think of this one?

It's nice. Hey, maybe I'll get Kelly one, too.

Whoa. 80 bucks?

I can't do that, man. She loses everything.

OK. I can do 40. I'm going to go for this one.

Oh. Well, thank you

for making my camera look that much better.

And thank you for making me look good

whenever we walk down the street together.

OK, I was just kidding,

and you went to a really dark place.

Hey, Arthur.

Douglas, tell me if this sounds repetitive.

"Dear Mr. Ferrigno,

I thought your work on The Incredible Hulk

was, in a word, incredible."

Why are you writing him a letter?

It's going with my screenplay.

I think Lou Ferrigno is just the man to get it produced.

Oh, Arthur. Not the screenplay again.

Don't give it to him. Just don't.

Why not? [SIGHS] He's our neighbor.

I don't want him to think we're freaks.

Oh, and I suppose Mr. Gary Sinise thought I was a freak

when I gave him a copy?

You threw it at him on the subway, and yes.

Listen, once word gets out that Lou Ferrigno lives here,

he'll have 50 scripts on his doorstep.

I'm going to make sure the first script

in that pile is Reconsidering Sandy!

The title doesn't even make sense.

I read it, and there's no one in there named Sandy.

You obviously don't understand how the business works.

Hey. Hey, hon.

You know, uh, how come you never

greet me at the door naked like the other wives?

What other wives?

I don't know, you read about 'em.

I'll get on that.

Okay, almost done with my shopping.

I just gotta get something for Kelly.

Hey, who couldn't use a totes umbrella, hmm?

No, it has to be nice.

Last year, she got us those crystal candlesticks,

and we got her toilet paper that looks like money.

Speaking of gifts, I got you a gift today

that's going to make you one happy lady.

Really? What is it?

Oh, no. I'll never tell.

Come on, what is it?

No, it's a surprise. But I will say this.

It's really, really nice.

All right. Well, give me a clue.

Uh...OK. Well, it's about yea big--

Is it a camera?!

Damn it! How did you get a camera from this?

Well, you kind of held it up to your face,

and I think you made a snapping motion.

You couldn't just leave it alone, could you?

You had to ask for a clue.

Did I know you were going to mime taking a picture?

So, what do we do? Do I give it to you now, or do we wait till Christmas?

Well, if you give it to me now,

I could actually take pictures during Christmas.

Like, I could bring it to my office holiday party.

I guess.

And I could take a picture of you

doing your traditional

Santa stuck in the fireplace gag.

That should be captured on film, yes.

Wait here. It's in the closet.

MAN 1 [ON TV]: Hey, looks like more passengers this trip.

MAN 2: Ah, keep your fingers crossed. We may have some luck.

You turned on the TV? I'm giving you a gift!

I'm sorry. OK, OK. [TURNS OFF TV]

All right. Well, anyways, Merry Christmas.

And just remember, if we could have held out

till Christmas morning, there'd be a beautiful bow

on that plastic bag.

Oh, it is so nice!

You like it? Yeah, I love it.

See, I knew you'd like it, 'cause it's got a wrist strap,

and it's also-- You can hook it up to your belt.

And it comes with batteries.

But like, whatever, you know. Whatever.

This is a great camera.

You did really good. Thank you.

So if I guess what you got me, can I get it now?

OK!

A snow saucer?

Sure I can't get you anything, Lou?

Some Nilla Wafers?

No, thank you.

We have some very nice popsicles

if you're looking for something light.

That's all right.

So, let's talk turkey.

What are we thinking?

Do we like?

Well, Arthur, I, uh, read Reconsidering Sandy

and to be honest with you,

I was pretty confused.

Confused about what?

Well, first of all, there are 3 different characters named Mike.

Let me ask you a question, Lou.

Have you ever met anyone else named Lou?

Well, yes.

Slice of life, my friend.

I just writes it the way I sees it.

So, what's the next step? Can you get us

a meeting at the William Morris office?

I don't think so.

Uh-huh.

Oh ho ho. I get it.

I understand your problem.

Look, even though you're not right

for the lead character of Smitty,

don't worry. I have a very nice part in mind for you.

Henchman Number 2!

That's another thing. There is no Henchman Number 1.

Oh! Hi, Lou. How are you?

Good. So, how are you liking the neighborhood?

It's great. I grew up around here.

Great to be back. Uh-huh.

Um, is he bothering you?

Darling, can't you see I'm in a business meeting here?

Excuse me...

Good Lord.

You see what's going on in there?

Yeah, I see it.

I went in there for a ring ding,

and your father ran at me like a badger.

Today was Gift Day at work. Check it out.

Hot ziggity, you hit the mother lode.

What do we got going on here, huh?

Well, we got some wine,

got a basket of soaps and skin creams from one of the partners.

Um, some homemade biscotti.

Homemade? Cheap-o!

Oh, I didn't even open this one.

This one's from Pruzan. He just made partner.

He gave one of these to all the secretaries.

What is it? What is it? What is it?

It's...another camera.

It's a small one. What is it?

It's like a key chain one or something?

I don't know. It's called The Scamp.

What cereal box did that come out of?

Yeah, I know. Right?

Actually it's got a panoramic setting.

That's kind of cool.

Does it?

And it takes this new kind of film.

I guess it just... pops right in there and...

Oh, look at that. It's already winding.

Wow, you can hook it up to a computer.

Huh.

Huh.

But--But the one you got me is totally... you know.

Totally what?

Well, you know. Yours has that whole...

the strap thing.

You know what you got here?

You got yourself a better camera.

No, come on. Better? Who's to say better, huh?

We're taking pictures of the same thing.

Doesn't make the people look any better, right?

Actually, The Scamp can backlight you like an angel.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

Now, I love your camera, and I'm taking your camera

to my office party tomorrow night. OK?

Honey?

All right. OK.

Darling, I'm losing Lou here.

Would you mind making him up a 12-egg omelette?

CARRIE: OK...

Time to party on down with the same people

I see 51 hours a week.

Thank you so much for my Scamp.

I just love it! It's just so cool.

It was so above and beyond.

Hey, it's a great little camera

for a great little worker.

OK, here we go.

Now, let's take some pictures with your great camera. Huh?

OK.

OK, I got it right here.

I'll just load in some film. OK.

OK, here we go. Easy as pie.

Ow! OK. That pinched a little bit. Yeah.

You got to line the wheels up on the sprockety thing.

OK, good. There you go. All right.

Good, that was easy!

OK.

OK.

Hey, Carrie!

Oh, hi, Amy. Doug, do you remember Amy?

Oh, sure. Hi. How are you? Hi.

So I just loaded up some film.

Let me get a shot of you two. All right?

OK. All right.

OK. Here we go.

Actually, you know what? I'm looking for the flash...thing.

You should have brought your Scamp.

It's totally intuitive.

Oh, the--Yeah. Doug got me this great camera.

I'm going to use this.

Yeah, it's... I don't know. Whatever.

OK.

It, uh, just has to warm up a second.

[HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC SOUND]

Still warming up?

Yeah. Yeah.

Heyyyyy. Hey.

Holidays.

OK, OK! It's ready. Here we go.

Hey, you guys. You mind if we jump in?

Oh. Sure, OK. Here we go.

All right.

I'm going to want a copy of this one.

CARRIE: OK.

Make sure you get the Christmas tree in the picture.

Oh, I don't think I can fit all that in there.

You know what? Everybody squoosh.

Uh, squoosh some more.

Where's your Scamp? It's got that awesome panoramic setting.

No, I got this. This one's great.

OK, here we go.

Amy, I'm only getting half your face, honey.

OK. You know, everybody can fit a lot better

without me in there. OK?

I'm going to go grab some booze.

OK, you know what? Everybody just hang on one second.

OK, here we go. Panoramic setting,

and everybody say, "Candy cane!" OK.

Candy cane.

You brought your Scamp?

No!

What is this?!

You know what? Just do me a favor, OK?

Return the camera I bought you.

Uh...OK, you know what happened?

I must have put this in my purse, and then I forgot--

Carrie!

Take the picture with the camera you love.

I have no idea what this is. I really don't.

I'm going to check it out here.

Aah! The Tight Lies 3-wood. Thank you!

This is great.

Douglas, smile and hold it up.

God, this thing is a joy to use.

Honey, you're sure you're OK with this whole camera thing?

Yeah, I know I got nutty at the party the other night,

but, I don't know.

Why shouldn't you keep the better camera, right?

Plus, bonus gave me a chance to get you an even better gift.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's probably Lou. I asked him to stop by.

You two just sit, watch, and learn.

Lou!

Hi.

Glad you could stop by!

I have a present for you.

Arthur, the cheese wheel was plenty.

Go ahead. Open it.

Oh. Your screenplay.

My revised screenplay.

You'll notice the lead character, Smitty, is now

a 250-pound weightlifter.

You played your hand well, Mr. Ferrigno.

Arthur, I really can't do anything with your script.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Have a nice holiday.

Take it easy, Lou.

The game continues.

Come on. New gift time. Let's go. Open it up!

Whee-eee...

[GIGGLES]

Wow!

Giraffes! Yeah...

That is great!

Because giraffe's your favorite animal.

Your boss is not going to be giving you that. Huh?

No, he won't.

So, you like it?

I love it!

So, try it on!

Honey, I love this camera.

What a great gift. Thank you.

Yeah, well... I thought you might like it.

Oh! It's another one for me.

This one is from Doug and Carrie.

Hey.

It's another camera.

What?

This is a really nice one. There's even a box.

Yours just came in plastic.

Wait a second.

This is the same camera Doug gave to Carrie.

She turned around and gave it to you!

What? How do you know?

Because Doug and I went out to buy cameras together.

Look, the film's already in it.

And they took a picture!

Wait, wait, wait! You were at the store with Doug,

and then you saw him buy a better camera for Carrie,

and then you bought me this one?

You lose cameras!

[RHYTHMIC KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Oh, ho, ho! Hi!

Merry Christmas, honey! Oh! Hi, babe.

These are for you. Oh, thank you.

And I think there might be a few things

for you under there...

By the way, did I just see Arnold Schwarzenegger

shoveling snow next door?

Lou Ferrigno.

Ah, OK.

So, we missed you this morning.

Oh, I know, I'm sorry.

I had a date.

On Christmas morning?

Yeah, it was with this Jewish guy

and it was like the only time he was free.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

He didn't like me 'cause I'm not Jewish.

So, did you get any good gifts?

I, I got this.

From Doug. Oh, my Lord.

What are those, giraffes?

Mm-hmm. Six of 'em. Ahem.

It's like a car crash--

it's hard to look at, yet I can't look away.

Not over yet.

Ooh, big one.

Heh, I can't believe

he got you this. Mm-hmm.

What-what-what, is he mad at you about something?

Actually, you know what, he was mad at me,

but then he said everything was fine.

Oh, he was? Oh. Yeah.

I just meant it as a joke, but...

maybe this sweater was meant to send a message...

So what time are Deacon and Kelly coming over?

They should be here any minute.

I've got to hurry up.

What are we eating? A Christmas goose?

I got chicken.

Damn. I could really go for goose.

Or a tray of brownies.

You're not going to wear your giraffe sweater?

Um, actually, I was going to wear this,

because, um... Come on, babe. Here.

Wear the giraffe sweater. This would be great!

I think that would really look good with those pants, too.

Black goes with everything.

Honey, um...

Are you sure you're not still mad about this whole camera thing?

Not at all.

Are you sure?

Because you do this sometimes.

You bottle things up, and then sometimes they come out

in these little... hostile ways.

What do you mean?

Oh, wait a second...

You don't like the sweater?

Uh...well, uh...

You think the giraffe sweater... was hostile?

You--You tell me.

You think I bought you a bad sweater on purpose

because I'm still upset about a camera?

Like my sweater is so ugly it could only

have been bought as a joke?

Wow! Oh, my God.

A beautiful giraffe sweater, a joke. All right!

Doug, come on, come on.

Look at my closet. You could see why...

maybe I would... wonder...

why giraffes?

You said they were your favorite animal!

At the zoo! That doesn't mean I want to be one!

You know what? I'm sorry I bought you a great camera

and what I thought was a great sweater.

Obviously, I bombed again.

No, no. Doug. No. Listen to me.

I'm sorry. I take it back. I love the sweater.

You know what? I'm going to put it on.

No. No! Now you're not allowed to. No!

Hey, you know what?

I may not have great taste,

but I got great Christmas spirit,

which is more than I can say for you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm going down to greet our guests now.

Feliz Navidad.

Aw, come on, Kel.

Remember when you lost those Ray Bans?

You told me I should only buy you cheap stuff.

Well, I guess you took that to heart.

I'm wearing it. I love giraffes.

Wearing this makes me feel closer to them.

The more you talk, the more I hate.

Hey! Merry Christmas! Hey!

Here's a bundt cake.

Oh, what are those? Poppy seeds? Mm-hmm.

Don't you hate the way they get stuck in your teeth? Come in!

Yes! Let me take that.

All right. Hey.

Why do you have giraffes on your sweater?

Well, because they're tall and spotted and just so darn fun!

Hey...thanks a lot! What's the matter?

Why did you give that better camera to Kelly

when you know I bought her one?

What better camera? The one you bought

when we went to the camera store.

You know I bought her a piece of crap!

I'll be right back.

You gave my camera to Kelly?!

They know?

Yeah! Deacon was with me when I bought it for you!

Well, you told me to get rid of it!

I said return it! Now Deacon's mad at me

because he bought a less nice camera for Kelly!

This camera's bitten me in the ass twice!

I'm out of ass cheeks!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Is Arthur here?

Yeah, hold on.

Yo, Doug!

There's someone here looking for Arthur.

Hey!

Aren't you, uh...?

Yes.

Lou! What a surprise!

Would you like some chicken?

I know how you weightlifters like your chicken!

How did you get your script into my bathroom?

Pretty clever, huh?

If you're like me, you do most of your reading in the john.

So, you broke into my house?

I thought you'd like my moxie.

Apologize to them. It's not all my fault!

Kelly, honey, I barely used the camera!

Why did you say anything to them?!

I didn't know he was going to go back and tell her!

So, Lou. What do you say?

Look, I just moved in. I have a million things to do.

I haven't even finished unpacking.

Come on. Let's read a scene together.

It'll come alive for you.

Would you stop it?!

Oh, God!

Look, I'm sorry. Uh...

It's Christmas. We shouldn't be fighting.

Here, let me have that. I'll read it.

Have a nice holiday.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Everyone...

Lou Ferrigno's right.

We shouldn't be fighting. It's Christmas.

We're getting all worked up over presents.

I'm sorry, baby. Me, too.

All right. Come on. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Doug...

I love the sweater. I do.

And do you know why?

Because you gave it to me, and I love you.

Thank you. I love you, too, and...

Thank you for my golf club.

Well, this looks great.

Oh, thank you.

You want some of this?

So I guess I'm... getting a snow saucer for my birthday?

You're ridin' high now, big man.

But I'll see you again on your way back down.

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