Original subtitles

CARRIE: No, Dad, that's crazy!

Dad, I am not driving 2 hours upstate

to bring you your Centrum Silver.

Stop calling them your meds.

You can buy them at 7-Eleven.

Well, you're acting like a lunatic!

Yes, you are!

Fine. You know what? Good-bye!

Now I feel bad.

Why? Why? I just yelled at my father

and called him a lunatic. That has to be wrong.

My God. What if something happens to him

and that's the last conversation we ever have?

Then you're off the hook.

Damn it, and when he left yesterday

I kissed him and told him I loved him.

If he was gonna die, that would have been the day.

If it happens now, I'm screwed.

Call him back.

No, no. It's stupid.

Besides, you know what? You yell at him all the time.

You have wayworse karma than I do.

Actually, the last thing I said to him was "Nice haircut,"

so I'm good to go.

[SCOFFS]

Hi, Daddy, it's me.

Listen, I was a little short with you before,

and I'm--I'm sorry.

I love you.

No, that does not mean I'm making the drive up.

Because I'm saying sorry for yelling at you,

not the other part. Well, too bad.

I'm not making the drive up, crazy man.

I'll see you in 5 hours.

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

OK, a little tip next time you try to hook up surround sound.

Red goes in red.

Yellow goes in yellow.

You know what? I've had enough with you

and your high-tech mumbo-jumbo.

Can I plug it in now? Can I? Come on.

No. I'm working with live wires here, man.

Yeah, I want to see your skeleton.

See if you get that chattering teeth thing going.

Zzzz-yay-yay-yay.

Put it down.

What?

Good God. Are you two still at that?

It's not my fault.

He hooks up a stereo like a woman.

Doug, why are we even doing this?

The sound on the TV is fine.

Does it surround us? No.

Stop embarrassing yourself.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, that's me.

[RING]

Hello.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

Oh, my God.

When did it happen? What?

My great-aunt died.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Just give us a second, you guys.

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah.

Look, is the evening over?

'Cause Deacon really didn't finish up here.

A person died, OK?

And you're worried about your surround sound?

Well, it's just at this point I have no sound.

Come on, Carrie. It's just a great-aunt.

It's not like a regular aunt.

It's like--I don't know. It's like wax fruit.

OK, any chance you could act appropriately here?

Yeah, fine. What's appropriate?

What do you want me to do? You want me to cry?

You want me to shake my fist at the heavens?

Why her?!

I don't know.

I just think we should be doing something for them. I--

Like what?

I don't know. Make them tea or--

Tea for a great-aunt?!

That is way over the top!

Hey, sweetie, how's Kelly doing?

Uh, she's all right.

I mean, her great-aunt's been sick for a while, you know?

Still it's sad.

Yeah, but not as sad as a regular aunt.

What?

You guys want some tea?

Uh...no, thanks.

We've got a lot to figure out.

You know, travel arrangements,

who's gonna stay with the kids.

Can I use your phone in there?

Of course. Thanks.

Should we offer to stay with the kids?

Who, us? Really?

Yeah, why not? I mean, we are the godparents.

I just thought we were done with that

after we gave them the savings bond.

Doug, I'm just thinking, maybe we should offer.

What do you think?

[STAMMERS]

Hey, sweetie.

How are you doing?

He-ey-ey-ey.

I'm OK. We just have to go to Chicago tomorrow

for the funeral.

Did you find anybody to watch the kids yet?

No. Our regular sitter can't do it.

We have to keep trying.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey. Crazy thought, you guys.

How about we stay with the kids?

Really?

I--I mean, that's really sweet of you,

but it's just-- It's a lot of stuff.

Look, you know what? We can handle it.

Two of them, two of us. Right?

Plus we're bigger, right?

Sure. Why not. OK, then.

All right, great. Great. Yeah. Great.

So, uh, where are we at with the speakers?

I got to tell you, this is gonna be good practice for us.

You know, kind of like a driving range for parenting.

Buy a bucket of babies, tee 'em up and see how you do, right?

Huh?

What's the matter?

They hesitated.

What? Who hesitated?

Deacon and Kelly when we offered to watch their kids.

They did not.

Yes, they did. They clearly did.

Especially Kelly. I mean it was so obvious

that she wasn't thrilled about us doing this, Doug.

Her great-aunt just died.

She was out of her head with grief.

No, no, no. They hesitated,

and not-- not 'cause of you.

Because of me. I mean, I'm not a kid person.

They--They could smell it on me.

I mean, everybody's always saying,

oh, children are our future.

And I'm like, whatever.

You're gonna do fine.

No, no, I'm not, Doug.

I mean one little nose wiped on my blouse,

and I'm gonna be looking for some gin.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, I'm starting to get

that panicky feeling, like before I fly.

Let's not do this, Doug. Let's call them and cancel.

Cancel? Carrie, this is not a dinner reservation.

They have nobody else to watch their kids.

Well, I think they should bring 'em to the funeral.

It's good for kids to see dead people.

That, that little kid in the movie, see,

saw dead people all the time,

and he seemed fine.

He wasn't fine, he was a little freak.

Now, pack.

OK, I got all our phone numbers right here.

Phone numbers, great.

I labeled all the kids' food.

It's in the fridge. Oh, it's in the fridge?

Oh, good, 'cause that just saved me a wild goose chase.

Are you sure you're OK doing this?

Uh, OK? Yeah, I think so.

I just wish your great-aunt would have died sooner.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding, sweetie.

She's in a much better place now.

I'm sorry.

Yo, hon, we got to go.

OK, OK. Bye, sweetie.

Be good. Kirby, watch out for your brother.

OK. Miss you, little man.

KIRBY: Miss you.

Thanks again, you guys.

CARRIE: Oh, come on.

Yeah, we owe you big for this one, guys.

No prob. You guys have a safe trip.

Hey, we should be thanking you.

Well...

we're on our own.

Uh-huh.

So far, so good.

So far, so good.

Well, I will see you later.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're leaving now?!

Yeah, it's one of my work Saturdays.

Wasn't the uniform a tip-off for you at all, or...

Right. Right. Wait. Wait.

How about this? How about you stay here with the kids,

and I'll go do your route? Huh? Sign here, ma'am.

How hard could that be?

Honey, will you relax?

The kids are gonna love spending the day with you.

Now, just show 'em your gentle, nurturing side.

I have a gentle, nurturing side?

I believe it's in there, yes.

Oh, you're gonna do fine.

OK, OK, all right, hon. I love you.

I love you. Bye, kids!

Bye! All right.

Hmm.

Hi.

Hey. Tch tch tch.

Where's my mommy?

Your mommy?

Yeah, where is she?

Uh...

Sweetie, don't you remember

saying goodbye to her, or...?

Where is she?

OK, um, your mommy

went to a place called Chicago

because somebody died.

What's died?

I don't know.

DOUG: Honey, I'm home!

CARRIE: I'm in the kitchen!

Hey, Kirby.

Hi.

The Kirb-man.

Curbside check-in.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, here comes the Heffernan headlock.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, no. Off the top rope!

He's in trouble now!

Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Is he gonna lose his WWF belt?!

It's gonna happen. How do you feel?

I have to pee.

OK, OK.

Hey.

Hey, so...

no one's missing, and you're not drunk.

I'm guessing things went pretty well today.

I gotta tell you, honey, I rock at this.

I actually took them both for a walk,

had this guy in a snuggly, little legs going--

frickin' adorable.

Came back here, watched Elmo-palooza three times in a row

and fielded some very tough questions

about Bert and Ernie's relationship. OK.

Hey, sweetie. Wash your hands.

With soap!

Huh? Huh? Do you see this?

Looks like somebody got hit my the mommy truck.

You know, I guess I always had it in me.

Who knew? Come on, baby, dinner!

I can't believe, with all this going on,

you made dinner.

Yep. Hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, and fish sticks.

Good God, it's Christmas morning.

Here, honey. I'll cut this in half for you, OK?

Hey, look at this. Is this a family or what?

I mean, not exactly the way I pictured it,

but still.

OK, baby's tucked in, and Kirby's asleep,

and P.S., I'm pretty damn good with shadow puppets.

I mean, he was terrified at first, but I got him back.

Oh, what-- What's going on here?

What? This is where we're sleeping.

Don't Deacon and Kelly

have a king-sized bed in there?

Yes, they do, and we have this.

Sealy Posturepedic!

Doug, get off of their bed!

Make me.

Come on. I'm not gonna make you.

I feel very uncomfortable in here.

Will you relax? We're celebrating.

What are we celebrating?

That you're not gonna be

the sucky mom we always thought.

OK, but only because you already messed up the bedding.

All right.

Oh, look at this.

Dimmer switch, huh?

Oh, we are styling.

Whoo, whoo...

Whoo-ahh...

Hey, stop it. You're making me nauseous.

You just want music.

[SLOW R&B PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, yeah...

I am mellow.

All right, come on. Turn down the music.

You're gonna wake the kids.

All right. [TURNS DOWN MUSIC]

So you, uh...

proud of your big day?

Yeah, a little.

Well, you should be.

You were so great with those kids today.

When I came home, and I saw you holding Major,

I don't know, I just--

I guess I liked the way you looked

with a baby attached to you.

I mean, not literally attached to you.

That would be gross.

I like the way you looked, too.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And goal!

Whoo!

Wow, the lighting really helped.

[DOOR CREAKS]

What was that?

I don't know.

Was someone just in the doorway?

I don't-- I don't know.

Hey...

how's it going?

What happened?

Did Kirby see us having sex?

Possibly.

What does that mean?

We didn't get into a long discussion.

Well, what did you say to him?

I said, "Hey, how's it going?"

And what did he say back?

He said, "Good."

Oh, my God. How could we do this?

How could we have sex in our friends' bed?

What are we, mountain people?

What does that mean?

It means it's wrong, OK?

It means nice, young couples from Queens

do not do it in their friends' bed

with their friends' children

sleeping 10 feet away from them!

I need to make things clean again.

Come on, what did we do that was so bad?

W-we're two married, mature people

engaging in a timeless dance called love.

Doug, we were on theirbed

doing it in front of their 5-year-old son.

And thanks to that mirror over there, he also got the reverse angle.

First of all, he's 5 1/2, and he knows what's what.

He's gonna tell Deacon and Kelly.

That's why they hesitated,

because they knew I'd screw up, and I did.

Why did I let you mount me?

Ow!

First of all, we don't know what he's gonna tell them.

In fact, we don't even know if he saw us, right?

Right.

Tomorrow morning, we'll get up and we'll feel him out.

We'll see if there's even a problem at all.

OK?

OK?

OK. All right.

Come on, let's get a good night's sleep.

What are you doing?

Hey, sleeping on a sofa bed

is not gonna bring back that boy's innocence.

All right, sweetie. Stop moving around,

or I'm gonna get tape stuck to your little--

Oops, I'm sorry.

Honey, I cannot get this diaper on him.

I've totally lost my mommy groove.

You talked to what's-his-face?

No. Not yet.

Hey, buddy, what's up? What's going on there?

Hey, playing with your little schoolhouse here. This is fun, huh?

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take this pretty little teacher here

and, oh, let's go with this farmer guy right here,

and you tell me if you see anything that looks familiar.

[COUNTRY ACCENT] Howdy, ma'am, my name is Farmer Jones.

[FALSETTO] Well, hi. I'm Mary Lou... Henner.

Whoops, I slipped.

[AS FARMER JONES] Well, let me help you up with my pants off.

Whoops, I slipped, too.

Now we're wrestling up and down.

Larry Flynt, you wanna tone it down a notch?

Well, you give it a try. Okay, all right.

You finish dressing the baby. Okay.

All right, you got him? Yes.

Hey, sweetie.

How you doin'?

Did you, uh, have any bad dreams last night?

Like maybe a big scary polar bear

on top of a ballerina?

Anything like that?

[BABY FUSSING]

I-I got both legs in one hole.

All right, calm down. I don't know what I'm doing.

Hey, who wants to play a game?

I want to play a game.

All right! Here's the game:

What's the worst thing you've seen in the past 24 hours?

KELLY: Hey, guys. We're home!

Mommy!

Hey, you're back.

Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi!

We caught an early flight so we could relieve you guys.

These little monsters treat you OK?

OK? They were fantastic!

But enough about us. How was the funeral? You have fun?

Not as much as you'd think.

Yeah, death. Not a fan of the big "D."

What's going on? Everything go all right?

OK. Yeah. Smooth sailing.

We, um...

We gotta go.

Yes! Yeah.

You don't want to stick around, have some coffee?

Oh, no. You know what?

If we're gonna tear ourselves away from these kids,

it's gotta be quick, like a Band-Aid.

Yeah. You know, you rip it right off, it hurts.

But she's off in a jiff. We're outta here.

Yeah. OK. Bye-bye, you guys.

All righty.

Oh, man. If bologna smelled any better, I'd wear it.

How can you just sit there and eat?

Kirby is probably telling them what we did right now.

Yeah, but look. They've been home for, like, 2 hours now.

If he was gonna say something, he would've done it already, wouldn't he have, huh?

Wouldn't he have? I need a pickle.

Might have. I don't know.

Look, even if he did see us, he probably forgot about it already.

I mean, do you remember anything from when you were 5?

No. Not now.

But he's still 5. You don't forget instantly.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh, my God. That's them.

I know it's them. I can tell by the ring.

It's an angry ring.

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

Yes.

Oh. You know what? We're not interested right now.

OK. Thank you.

Who was it?

Someone selling a subscription...

to Teen People.

Oh.

Why'd you say we weren't interested?

You know Teen People's number by heart?

I am not calling Teen People. I am calling Deacon and Kelly.

Oh, come on. Why are you calling them?

I--I can't stand this. I need to know what they know.

If you want this to go away, then don't pick at it.

Yeah. Let me pick.

Hey, Kel, how you doing?

Yeah, uh, we just wanted to call and see how the kids were doing.

'Cause we miss them so much.

Mm-hmm.

Really?

OK! Well, then we'll see you there.

OK. Bye-bye.

They want to take us to dinner tonight.

To thank us.

Hey! There you go. You don't take perverts to dinner, right?

I know I don't.

See that? It all worked out fine.

He saw us. He didn't see us.

It doesn't matter. He kept his little trap shut.

And then this one says, my shirt's dirty.

We need to put it in the whooshing machine.

See, he meant to say washing machine.

He didn't say that though. He's hilarious. Hilarious.

Hey, buddy, want some more of my ice cream?

Uh, you guys have been generous with your desserts,

but I think he's had enough.

Oh, he deserves it, just for being so cute and yummy.

He's not so cute when he's vomiting.

OK.

Hey, what you drawing there, Kirb?

A picture of Doug and Carrie.

Oh, isn't that sweet? Love him.

And what they were doing last night.

Uh, we don't really need another picture.

Yeah. You know, we got pictures up the butt. You know what I'm saying?

We do.

Yeah, but not from my child.

He signs and numbers each one.

Hey, bet you can't do an outline of my hand.

I don't want to.

Go ahead, try it. Do it. Color it in red.

Make a little turkey out of it. Gobble gobble gobble.

Would you let the boy draw his picture, man?

All right. All right.

I heard drawing makes you gay.

What?

It's true.

It happened to my friend Bill.

Okay, you guys have been acting very weird since we got back.

What's the deal?

All right. Uh, t-the truth is, uh,

we have something to tell you,

and, uh, this is difficult for us.

He...makes things up.

It-it's true, like his drawings, uh, for instance.

Usually they're like the opposite of what actually happened.

Done, Mommy.

We're gonna take this.

So I'm guessing this wouldn't be appropriate to hang on our fridge.

I wouldn't mind.

You'll notice he was very generous with me.

I noticed.

Ouch.

[**]