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1
00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,921
CARRIE: No, Dad,
that's crazy!
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,298
Dad, I am not
driving 2 hours upstate
3
00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,509
to bring you
your Centrum Silver.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,220
Stop calling them
your meds.
5
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,597
You can buy them
at 7-Eleven.
6
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,685
Well, you're acting
like a lunatic!
7
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:20,145
Yes, you are!
8
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,814
Fine. You know what?
Good-bye!
9
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,197
Now I feel bad.
10
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,533
Why?
Why? I just
yelled at my father
11
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:36,119
and called him a lunatic.
That has to be wrong.
12
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,704
My God. What if
something happens to him
13
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:40,832
and that's
the last conversation
we ever have?
14
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,751
Then you're off the hook.
15
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,172
Damn it,
and when he left yesterday
16
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,882
I kissed him
and told him I loved him.
17
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:52,260
If he was gonna die,
that would have been the day.
18
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,888
If it happens now,
I'm screwed.
19
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,181
Call him back.
20
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,724
No, no. It's stupid.
21
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,642
Besides, you know what?
You yell at him all the time.
22
00:00:59,684 --> 00:01:02,937
You have wayworse karma
than I do.
23
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,190
Actually, the last thing
I said to him was
"Nice haircut,"
24
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,817
so I'm good to go.
25
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:13,281
[SCOFFS]
26
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,420
Hi, Daddy, it's me.
27
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:31,007
Listen,
I was a little short
with you before,
28
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,592
and I'm--I'm sorry.
29
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,594
I love you.
30
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:38,431
No, that does not mean
I'm making the drive up.
31
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:41,351
Because I'm saying sorry
for yelling at you,
32
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,520
not the other part.
Well, too bad.
33
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:46,815
I'm not making the drive up,
crazy man.
34
00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,743
I'll see you in 5 hours.
35
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,206
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
36
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:05,834
* My back is gettin' tight *
37
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,711
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
38
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,630
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
39
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:15,218
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
40
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:20,348
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
41
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,601
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
42
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:27,355
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
43
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:38,450
OK, a little tip
next time you try
to hook up surround sound.
44
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:39,534
Red goes in red.
45
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:42,871
Yellow goes in yellow.
46
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:44,372
You know what?
I've had enough with you
47
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,791
and your high-tech
mumbo-jumbo.
48
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,460
Can I plug it in now?
Can I? Come on.
49
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,086
No. I'm working
with live wires here, man.
50
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,713
Yeah, I want to see
your skeleton.
51
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,214
See if you get that
chattering teeth thing
going.
52
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:54,257
Zzzz-yay-yay-yay.
53
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,300
Put it down.
54
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,468
What?
55
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,470
Good God. Are you two
still at that?
56
00:02:58,511 --> 00:02:59,554
It's not my fault.
57
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,932
He hooks up a stereo
like a woman.
58
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,893
Doug, why are
we even doing this?
59
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,145
The sound on the TV
is fine.
60
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,272
Does it surround us? No.
61
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,442
Stop embarrassing yourself.
62
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,235
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
63
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,362
Oh, that's me.
64
00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:18,031
[RING]
65
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,157
Hello.
66
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,950
Hey, Mom. What's up?
67
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,410
Oh, my God.
68
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,246
When did it happen?
What?
69
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,456
My great-aunt died.
70
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:27,749
Oh, no.
71
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:28,708
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
72
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,959
Excuse me.
73
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,378
Just give us a second,
you guys.
74
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,088
Sure.
Yeah.
75
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,632
Oh, that's a shame.
76
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,467
Yeah.
77
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:38,927
Look,
is the evening over?
78
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,763
'Cause Deacon really
didn't finish up here.
79
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:44,808
A person died, OK?
80
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,768
And you're worried about
your surround sound?
81
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,978
Well, it's just at this
point I have no sound.
82
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,939
Come on, Carrie.
It's just a great-aunt.
83
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,816
It's not like
a regular aunt.
84
00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:54,776
It's like--I don't know.
It's like wax fruit.
85
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,570
OK, any chance you could
act appropriately here?
86
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,905
Yeah, fine.
What's appropriate?
87
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,240
What do you
want me to do?
You want me to cry?
88
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,991
You want me
to shake my fist
at the heavens?
89
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,368
Why her?!
90
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,871
I don't know.
91
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,416
I just think
we should be doing
something for them. I--
92
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,542
Like what?
93
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,293
I don't know.
Make them tea or--
94
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:13,586
Tea for a great-aunt?!
95
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,380
That is
way over the top!
96
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,468
Hey, sweetie,
how's Kelly doing?
97
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,012
Uh, she's all right.
98
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,180
I mean, her great-aunt's
been sick for a while,
you know?
99
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,724
Still it's sad.
100
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,934
Yeah, but not as sad
as a regular aunt.
101
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,352
What?
102
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,687
You guys
want some tea?
103
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:33,106
Uh...no, thanks.
104
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,524
We've got a lot
to figure out.
105
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:35,567
You know,
travel arrangements,
106
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:36,609
who's gonna stay
with the kids.
107
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:37,652
Can I use
your phone in there?
108
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,279
Of course.
Thanks.
109
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,244
Should we offer
to stay with the kids?
110
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,996
Who, us? Really?
111
00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,540
Yeah, why not?
I mean, we are
the godparents.
112
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,167
I just thought
we were done with that
113
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,294
after we gave them
the savings bond.
114
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,588
Doug, I'm just thinking,
maybe we should offer.
115
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:57,672
What do you think?
116
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,591
[STAMMERS]
117
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,301
Hey, sweetie.
118
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,344
How are you doing?
119
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:05,388
He-ey-ey-ey.
120
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:08,308
I'm OK.
We just have to go
to Chicago tomorrow
121
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,018
for the funeral.
122
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,187
Did you find anybody
to watch the kids yet?
123
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:13,980
No. Our regular sitter
can't do it.
124
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,315
We have to keep trying.
125
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,900
Uh-huh.
126
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,153
Uh, hey.
Crazy thought, you guys.
127
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,197
How about
we stay with the kids?
128
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,032
Really?
129
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,035
I--I mean,
that's really
sweet of you,
130
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,870
but it's just--
It's a lot of stuff.
131
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:29,954
Look, you know what?
We can handle it.
132
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,373
Two of them,
two of us. Right?
133
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,375
Plus we're bigger,
right?
134
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,795
Sure. Why not.
OK, then.
135
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,380
All right, great.
Great. Yeah. Great.
136
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:42,842
So, uh, where are we at
with the speakers?
137
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,515
I got to tell you,
this is gonna be
good practice for us.
138
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:52,060
You know, kind of like
a driving range
for parenting.
139
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:55,772
Buy a bucket of babies,
tee 'em up and see
how you do, right?
140
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,899
Huh?
141
00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,442
What's the matter?
142
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:01,528
They hesitated.
143
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,571
What?
Who hesitated?
144
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:07,158
Deacon and Kelly
when we offered
to watch their kids.
145
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,243
They did not.
146
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,828
Yes, they did.
They clearly did.
147
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,871
Especially Kelly.
I mean it was so obvious
148
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,832
that she wasn't thrilled
about us doing this, Doug.
149
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,667
Her great-aunt
just died.
150
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,127
She was out of her head
with grief.
151
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,546
No, no, no.
They hesitated,
152
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,089
and not--
not 'cause of you.
153
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,049
Because of me.
I mean, I'm not
a kid person.
154
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,259
They--They could
smell it on me.
155
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,719
I mean, everybody's
always saying,
156
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,845
oh, children
are our future.
157
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,471
And I'm like,
whatever.
158
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,640
You're gonna do fine.
159
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:31,850
No, no, I'm not, Doug.
160
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,351
I mean one little nose
wiped on my blouse,
161
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,311
and I'm gonna be
looking for some gin.
162
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:37,939
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I'm starting to get
163
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,150
that panicky feeling,
like before I fly.
164
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,944
Let's not do this, Doug.
Let's call them and cancel.
165
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,697
Cancel? Carrie, this is
not a dinner reservation.
166
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,282
They have nobody else
to watch their kids.
167
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,326
Well, I think they should
bring 'em to the funeral.
168
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:53,038
It's good for kids
to see dead people.
169
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,832
That, that little kid
in the movie, see,
170
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:58,460
saw dead people
all the time,
171
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,128
and he seemed fine.
172
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,173
He wasn't fine,
he was a little freak.
173
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,010
Now, pack.
174
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,389
OK, I got
all our phone numbers
right here.
175
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,058
Phone numbers, great.
176
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,476
I labeled
all the kids' food.
177
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,186
It's in the fridge.
Oh, it's in the fridge?
178
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,938
Oh, good,
'cause that just saved me
a wild goose chase.
179
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,816
Are you sure
you're OK doing this?
180
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,319
Uh, OK? Yeah,
I think so.
181
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:27,155
I just wish your great-aunt
would have died sooner.
182
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,325
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, sweetie.
183
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,618
She's in
a much better place now.
184
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:32,619
I'm sorry.
185
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,496
Yo, hon, we got to go.
186
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,997
OK, OK.
Bye, sweetie.
187
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,750
Be good.
Kirby, watch out
for your brother.
188
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:39,834
OK.
Miss you, little man.
189
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:40,835
KIRBY: Miss you.
190
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:41,753
Thanks again, you guys.
191
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,004
CARRIE:
Oh, come on.
192
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,130
Yeah, we owe you big
for this one, guys.
193
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,173
No prob.
You guys have a safe trip.
194
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,926
Hey, we should be
thanking you.
195
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,971
Well...
196
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:54,265
we're on our own.
197
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,558
Uh-huh.
198
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,643
So far, so good.
199
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:57,686
So far, so good.
200
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:58,687
Well,
I will see you later.
201
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,230
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
202
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,399
You're leaving now?!
203
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,192
Yeah, it's one of
my work Saturdays.
204
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,112
Wasn't the uniform
a tip-off for you
at all, or...
205
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,571
Right. Right.
Wait. Wait.
206
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,532
How about this?
How about you stay here
with the kids,
207
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,909
and I'll go do your route?
Huh? Sign here, ma'am.
208
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,828
How hard could that be?
209
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,246
Honey, will you relax?
210
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,998
The kids are gonna love
spending the day with you.
211
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,711
Now, just show 'em
your gentle, nurturing side.
212
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,380
I have a gentle,
nurturing side?
213
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,426
I believe
it's in there, yes.
214
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,761
Oh, you're gonna
do fine.
215
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:32,929
OK, OK, all right, hon.
I love you.
216
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,597
I love you.
Bye, kids!
217
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,474
Bye!
All right.
218
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,688
Hmm.
219
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,983
Hi.
220
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,448
Hey. Tch tch tch.
221
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,285
Where's my mommy?
222
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,079
Your mommy?
223
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,749
Yeah, where is she?
224
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,876
Uh...
225
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,127
Sweetie, don't you remember
226
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,087
saying goodbye to her, or...?
227
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,548
Where is she?
228
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,177
OK, um, your mommy
229
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,722
went to a place
called Chicago
230
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,557
because somebody died.
231
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:19,434
What's died?
232
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,148
I don't know.
233
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,072
DOUG: Honey,
I'm home!
234
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,741
CARRIE: I'm
in the kitchen!
235
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,326
Hey, Kirby.
236
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:37,410
Hi.
237
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,661
The Kirb-man.
238
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,373
Curbside check-in.
239
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:45,168
Uh-oh. Uh-oh, here comes
the Heffernan headlock.
240
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,211
Oh, that's right.
241
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:47,754
Oh, no.
Off the top rope!
242
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,130
He's in trouble now!
243
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,173
Uh-oh. Oh, boy.
244
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,134
Is he gonna lose
his WWF belt?!
245
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,428
It's gonna happen.
How do you feel?
246
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,348
I have to pee.
247
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,352
OK, OK.
248
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,523
Hey.
249
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,274
Hey, so...
250
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,068
no one's missing,
and you're not drunk.
251
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,153
I'm guessing things
went pretty well today.
252
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:15,323
I gotta tell you, honey,
I rock at this.
253
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,158
I actually took them
both for a walk,
254
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,577
had this guy in a snuggly,
little legs going--
255
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,329
frickin' adorable.
256
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:25,041
Came back here,
watched Elmo-palooza
three times in a row
257
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,501
and fielded
some very tough questions
258
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:30,005
about Bert and Ernie's
relationship. OK.
259
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,340
Hey, sweetie.
Wash your hands.
260
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,175
With soap!
261
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,760
Huh? Huh? Do you see this?
262
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,096
Looks like somebody
got hit my the mommy truck.
263
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,514
You know, I guess
I always had it in me.
264
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,100
Who knew?
Come on, baby, dinner!
265
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,518
I can't believe,
with all this going on,
266
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,894
you made dinner.
267
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:47,230
Yep. Hamburgers,
macaroni and cheese,
and fish sticks.
268
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:50,567
Good God, it's
Christmas morning.
269
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:56,156
Here, honey.
I'll cut this
in half for you, OK?
270
00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:00,785
Hey, look at this.
Is this a family
or what?
271
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,413
I mean, not exactly
the way I pictured it,
272
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,165
but still.
273
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:14,049
OK, baby's tucked in,
and Kirby's asleep,
274
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,302
and P.S.,
I'm pretty damn good
with shadow puppets.
275
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,847
I mean, he was
terrified at first,
but I got him back.
276
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,892
Oh, what--
What's going on here?
277
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,102
What? This is where
we're sleeping.
278
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,479
Don't Deacon and Kelly
279
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,147
have a king-sized bed
in there?
280
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,983
Yes, they do,
and we have this.
281
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,573
Sealy Posturepedic!
282
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,243
Doug, get off
of their bed!
283
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,621
Make me.
284
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,290
Come on. I'm not
gonna make you.
285
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:48,917
I feel very
uncomfortable in here.
286
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,335
Will you relax?
We're celebrating.
287
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,628
What are
we celebrating?
288
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:52,754
That you're
not gonna be
289
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,631
the sucky mom
we always thought.
290
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,885
OK, but only
because you already
messed up the bedding.
291
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,095
All right.
292
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,180
Oh, look at this.
293
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,682
Dimmer switch, huh?
294
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,726
Oh, we are styling.
295
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,271
Whoo, whoo...
296
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,482
Whoo-ahh...
297
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,442
Hey, stop it. You're
making me nauseous.
298
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,820
You just want music.
299
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:20,156
[SLOW R&B PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
300
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,286
Oh, yeah...
301
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,915
I am mellow.
302
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,375
All right, come on.
Turn down the music.
303
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,376
You're gonna
wake the kids.
304
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,128
All right.
[TURNS DOWN MUSIC]
305
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,465
So you, uh...
306
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,968
proud of your big day?
307
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,429
Yeah, a little.
308
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,806
Well, you should be.
309
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:48,143
You were so great
with those kids today.
310
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,854
When I came home, and
I saw you holding Major,
311
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,814
I don't know, I just--
312
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:55,483
I guess I liked
the way you looked
313
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:58,653
with a baby
attached to you.
314
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:01,239
I mean, not literally
attached to you.
315
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,826
That would be gross.
316
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,621
I like the way
you looked, too.
317
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,706
I love you.
318
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,833
I love you, too.
319
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,590
And goal!
320
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,301
Whoo!
321
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:23,678
Wow, the lighting
really helped.
322
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,638
[DOOR CREAKS]
323
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,307
What was that?
324
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,391
I don't know.
325
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,559
Was someone just
in the doorway?
326
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,269
I don't--
I don't know.
327
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:36,608
Hey...
328
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,360
how's it going?
329
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,447
What happened?
330
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,240
Did Kirby see us
having sex?
331
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,284
Possibly.
332
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,452
What does that mean?
333
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,037
We didn't get into
a long discussion.
334
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,413
Well, what did
you say to him?
335
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:53,375
I said, "Hey,
how's it going?"
336
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,251
And what did
he say back?
337
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920
He said, "Good."
338
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,756
Oh, my God.
How could we do this?
339
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,008
How could we have sex
in our friends' bed?
340
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,219
What are we,
mountain people?
341
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,261
What does that mean?
342
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:06,721
It means
it's wrong, OK?
343
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,099
It means nice, young
couples from Queens
344
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,934
do not do it in
their friends' bed
345
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,519
with their
friends' children
346
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,771
sleeping 10 feet
away from them!
347
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:17,565
I need to make things
clean again.
348
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,402
Come on, what did we do
that was so bad?
349
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,779
W-we're two married,
mature people
350
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:26,116
engaging
in a timeless dance
called love.
351
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,744
Doug, we were on theirbed
352
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,454
doing it in front
of their 5-year-old son.
353
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:35,291
And thanks to that mirror
over there, he also got
the reverse angle.
354
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:39,045
First of all, he's 5 1/2,
and he knows what's what.
355
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,964
He's gonna tell Deacon
and Kelly.
356
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,507
That's why they hesitated,
357
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,677
because they knew I'd screw up,
and I did.
358
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,303
Why did I let you mount me?
359
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,139
Ow!
360
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,350
First of all,
we don't know what
he's gonna tell them.
361
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:56,146
In fact, we don't even know
if he saw us, right?
362
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,689
Right.
363
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,150
Tomorrow morning,
we'll get up and we'll
feel him out.
364
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,610
We'll see if there's
even a problem at all.
365
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:03,903
OK?
366
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:04,863
OK?
367
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,489
OK.
All right.
368
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,241
Come on, let's get
a good night's sleep.
369
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,746
What are you doing?
370
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,205
Hey, sleeping on a sofa bed
371
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,125
is not gonna bring back
that boy's innocence.
372
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,589
All right, sweetie.
Stop moving around,
373
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,841
or I'm gonna get tape stuck
to your little--
374
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,968
Oops, I'm sorry.
375
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,097
Honey, I cannot get
this diaper on him.
376
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,183
I've totally lost
my mommy groove.
377
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,227
You talked to
what's-his-face?
378
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,231
No. Not yet.
379
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,444
Hey, buddy, what's up?
What's going on there?
380
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:47,072
Hey, playing with
your little schoolhouse
here. This is fun, huh?
381
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,740
Hey, you know what
I'm gonna do?
382
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,367
I'm gonna take
this pretty little
teacher here
383
00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,494
and, oh, let's go
with this farmer guy
right here,
384
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:57,582
and you tell me
if you see anything
that looks familiar.
385
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,834
[COUNTRY ACCENT]
Howdy, ma'am, my name
is Farmer Jones.
386
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:04,506
[FALSETTO] Well, hi.
I'm Mary Lou...
Henner.
387
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:06,841
Whoops, I slipped.
388
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,928
[AS FARMER JONES]
Well, let me help you up
with my pants off.
389
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,888
Whoops, I slipped, too.
390
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,057
Now we're wrestling
up and down.
391
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:17,477
Larry Flynt, you wanna
tone it down a notch?
392
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:19,979
Well, you give it a try.
Okay, all right.
393
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,064
You finish dressing the baby.
Okay.
394
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,441
All right, you got him?
Yes.
395
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,818
Hey, sweetie.
396
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:27,237
How you doin'?
397
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:31,241
Did you, uh, have
any bad dreams last night?
398
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:35,870
Like maybe
a big scary polar bear
399
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,790
on top of a ballerina?
400
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:40,917
Anything like that?
401
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,502
[BABY FUSSING]
402
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,212
I-I got both legs
in one hole.
403
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,464
All right, calm down.
I don't know what I'm doing.
404
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,929
Hey, who wants
to play a game?
405
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:54,139
I want to play a game.
406
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,182
All right!
Here's the game:
407
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,144
What's the worst thing you've
seen in the past 24 hours?
408
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,438
KELLY: Hey, guys.
We're home!
409
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:03,523
Mommy!
410
00:17:07,027 --> 00:17:08,278
Hey, you're back.
411
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,821
Hi!
Hi, hi, hi, hi!
412
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,240
We caught an early
flight so we could
relieve you guys.
413
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,492
These little monsters
treat you OK?
414
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,119
OK? They were fantastic!
415
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:19,330
But enough about us.
How was the funeral?
You have fun?
416
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,834
Not as much
as you'd think.
417
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,463
Yeah, death.
Not a fan of the big "D."
418
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:28,923
What's going on?
Everything go
all right?
419
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,467
OK. Yeah.
Smooth sailing.
420
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:31,551
We, um...
421
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:32,594
We gotta go.
422
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:33,970
Yes! Yeah.
423
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,388
You don't want
to stick around,
have some coffee?
424
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:36,931
Oh, no.
You know what?
425
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,224
If we're gonna
tear ourselves away
from these kids,
426
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,601
it's gotta be quick,
like a Band-Aid.
427
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,102
Yeah. You know,
you rip it right off,
it hurts.
428
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,979
But she's off in a jiff.
We're outta here.
429
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,522
Yeah. OK.
Bye-bye,
you guys.
430
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,066
All righty.
431
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,324
Oh, man. If bologna smelled
any better, I'd wear it.
432
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:05,210
How can you just
sit there and eat?
433
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,379
Kirby is probably
telling them what
we did right now.
434
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,714
Yeah, but look.
They've been home for,
like, 2 hours now.
435
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:13,718
If he was gonna say something,
he would've done it already,
wouldn't he have, huh?
436
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,387
Wouldn't he have?
I need a pickle.
437
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,264
Might have.
I don't know.
438
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:22,018
Look, even if
he did see us, he probably
forgot about it already.
439
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,937
I mean, do you remember anything
from when you were 5?
440
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:26,022
No. Not now.
441
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:28,650
But he's still 5.
You don't forget
instantly.
442
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,945
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
443
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,196
Oh, my God. That's them.
444
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:34,781
I know it's them.
I can tell by the ring.
445
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,366
It's an angry ring.
446
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,951
[RING]
447
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,662
[RING]
448
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,373
[RING]
449
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,001
[RING]
450
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,046
Yes.
451
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,465
Oh. You know what?
We're not interested
right now.
452
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:53,758
OK. Thank you.
453
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,884
Who was it?
454
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,636
Someone selling
a subscription...
455
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,513
to Teen People.
456
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,265
Oh.
457
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,352
Why'd you say
we weren't interested?
458
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,608
You know Teen People's
number by heart?
459
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:18,867
I am not calling Teen People.
I am calling Deacon and Kelly.
460
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,618
Oh, come on.
Why are you
calling them?
461
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,246
I--I can't stand this.
I need to know what they know.
462
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,915
If you want this to go away,
then don't pick at it.
463
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,459
Yeah. Let me pick.
464
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,462
Hey, Kel, how you doing?
465
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,923
Yeah, uh, we just wanted
to call and see how
the kids were doing.
466
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,675
'Cause we miss them
so much.
467
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,303
Mm-hmm.
468
00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,306
Really?
469
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,434
OK! Well, then we'll see
you there.
470
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,186
OK. Bye-bye.
471
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,439
They want to take us
to dinner tonight.
472
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,982
To thank us.
473
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:54,277
Hey! There you go.
You don't take perverts
to dinner, right?
474
00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,323
I know I don't.
475
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,200
See that?
It all worked out fine.
476
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,951
He saw us.
He didn't see us.
477
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,371
It doesn't matter.
He kept his little trap shut.
478
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:08,875
And then this one says,
my shirt's dirty.
479
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,418
We need to put it
in the whooshing machine.
480
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,796
See, he meant to say
washing machine.
481
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,507
He didn't say that though.
He's hilarious. Hilarious.
482
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,093
Hey, buddy, want
some more of my ice cream?
483
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,302
Uh, you guys have been generous
with your desserts,
484
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,804
but I think he's had enough.
485
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:24,474
Oh, he deserves it,
just for being so cute
and yummy.
486
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,434
He's not so cute
when he's vomiting.
487
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:28,269
OK.
488
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:29,896
Hey, what you drawing
there, Kirb?
489
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,481
A picture of
Doug and Carrie.
490
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:34,526
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Love him.
491
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,196
And what they were doing
last night.
492
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:41,658
Uh, we don't really need
another picture.
493
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,328
Yeah. You know, we got
pictures up the butt.
You know what I'm saying?
494
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,413
We do.
495
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,248
Yeah, but not
from my child.
496
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,250
He signs and numbers
each one.
497
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,127
Hey, bet you can't do
an outline of my hand.
498
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,294
I don't want to.
499
00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:54,713
Go ahead, try it. Do it.
Color it in red.
500
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,464
Make a little turkey out of it.
Gobble gobble gobble.
501
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,174
Would you
let the boy draw
his picture, man?
502
00:20:58,216 --> 00:20:59,467
All right.
All right.
503
00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,761
I heard drawing
makes you gay.
504
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,056
What?
505
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,182
It's true.
506
00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:07,892
It happened to my friend Bill.
507
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,645
Okay, you guys have been
acting very weird
since we got back.
508
00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:12,522
What's the deal?
509
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:17,944
All right.
Uh, t-the truth is, uh,
510
00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:19,195
we have something to tell you,
511
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:21,531
and, uh, this is difficult
for us.
512
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:25,535
He...makes things up.
513
00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:31,708
It-it's true,
like his drawings, uh,
for instance.
514
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,295
Usually they're
like the opposite of
what actually happened.
515
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,131
Done, Mommy.
516
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,515
We're gonna take this.
517
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:57,025
So I'm guessing this
wouldn't be appropriate
to hang on our fridge.
518
00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:58,151
I wouldn't mind.
519
00:21:58,193 --> 00:22:01,154
You'll notice he was
very generous with me.
520
00:22:01,196 --> 00:22:03,114
I noticed.
521
00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,574
Ouch.
522
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,538
[**]
36814
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