Original subtitles

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

[**]

I'm home.

Doug?

Dad?

Anyone?

Hello?

Oh, good Lord.

Doug?

Why are you back in the house?

Did you forget your keys?

It's 6:30.

I have been at work for 11 hours.

Wow.

Have you even been up?

Have you done anything today?

I'm gonna level with you, honey.

This one got away from me.

Oh.

Well, at least you had your daily pizza.

Did I? I thought I dreamt that.

No. That's very real.

So are the Fritos on our bed.

I was gonna clean that up, but then...I didn't.

For godsakes, Doug, look at yourself.

What difference does it make how I look?

I'm on strike.

I have no one to see, nothing to do.

It wouldn't kill you to call me once in a while.

I tried, but the phone has been busy all day.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I was on hold to talk to Baba Booey.

This is really disgusting.

Oh...

Well, I'm glad to see that you got

your cardio workout in.

Hey, at least I got the mail.

Doug, look, I know the strike has been

very, very hard on you,

but you have to pull yourself out of this nosedive.

All right.

No, no. Not all right.

Honey, I love you so much,

so please, please, please...

believe me when I tell you this.

You smell.

Is it me?

I thought that was the toppings.

We're going to Deacon and Kelly's for dinner,

so I want you to get up, OK?

Get in the shower... Come on, honey.

And give yourself a nice scraping.

All right.

And shave.

No. No, I like the beard.

I'm gonna keep this. I worked hard on it.

Yes, and you did a beautiful job-- first-rate.

Now shave it.

Hey, down there.

Got some dinner for you.

Oh, there you are, darling.

Could you give me the time, the date,

and the month.

You couldn't come up with one of those on your own?

I'm just trying to set this damn watch.

It keeps flashing all 9s since I bought it.

All right.

There's a clock.

There's a calendar.

Go nuts.

Wow. According to this,

Jesus is coming tomorrow.

That's Jesus the furnace guy.

So, other than falling into a wrinkle in time,

how was your day?

Well, I woke up and I figured I had 2 options--

either wallow in self-pity

or seize the day and clip articles.

Good for you, Dad.

I found some riveting stuff.

I can now recommend a clothing-optional bed-and-breakfast

in Spokane, Washington,

and a fascinating piece on "What people earn."

Anyway, a manila folder awaits you

buxom with knowledge.

So did you spend any time with Doug?

No.

Why, was he home?

Yes.

How can you two spend the whole day in the same house

and not see each other?

What can I tell you, darling?

For a big man, he moves on cat's feet.

Hello.

Oh, God.

What? I shaved.

All right. Forget it.

Let's just go, Elvis.

[IMITATING ELVIS] Thank you very much.

Yeah, yeah. Funny, funny.

That's funny. Let's go.

Hey. Hi.

Come on in. Dinner's about 20 minutes off.

Think you could stay awake that long?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Shut-off.

So, where's my cocoa dream boy?

He's in the bedroom with the kids.

Thank you.

Well, he's looking very Scottish.

That's putting it nicely.

How's Deac?

A mess. You wanna trade?

Uh... yeah.

Come on.

Reach for the cat dancer.

That's right.

Ah, don't make Daddy get up.

Solidarity, my union brother.

Hey.

Nice.

Back at ya.

[DOUG LAUGHS]

So what'd you, uh... do today?

You're looking at it.

You?

I rested. Mmm.

Ah, yeah, here it goes, here it goes.

[AUDIENCE ON TV AHHS]

"Just set it and forget it." "Just set it and forget it."

And it's getting worse every day.

Last night, he fell asleep

with a chicken wing in his mouth.

Looked like a snake swallowing its dinner.

So, how's Deacon doing? Oh, he's great.

This morning, I caught him talking to a sock.

Any sex life anymore?

Barely. Since the strike,

I'm lucky if I get it once a night.

Sorry.

And God forbid I should bring up money.

That is a guaranteed fight.

"I'm the man of this house.

I will provide for this family."

So is he gonna get a part-time job?

No. He borrowed from my mother.

Which, by the way,

I mean, if you guys need a little something...

No, no, no.

Kel, that is so sweet, but we'll be fine.

We have some in savings,

plus my dad said, if things got really bad,

he'd go to the Food Fair and slip on some grapes.

That's nice.

I just wish there was a way

to bring Doug back from the dead.

It's, like, if these guys

can't wear shorts and deliver packages,

they lose the ability to move.

And yet they still manage to get on our nerves.

Deacon's even starting to annoy the kids.

Do you understand what it takes

to annoy a 10-month-old baby?

Well, at least you only got Deacon to worry about.

I got Doug and Basement Man.

Your dad. That is a rough combo.

Yeah.

Plus Basement Man ain't going back to work.

Maybe we should throw them all in a room together.

What, like a play group? Yeah. Why not?

Maybe spending a day out of their bedrooms

will give them a kick in the pants.

Plus, at least they'd have to wear pants.

Listen, at this point, I'm willing to try anything.

Come on. Let's go round them up for dinner. Okay.

[SNORING]

OK. Let's eat.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't understand.

Dad, there is nothing to understand.

Just sit here and enjoy the day together.

What is this, some kind of ruse

so you can go through my stuff?

'Cause if it is, I need about 20 minutes.

This is stupid.

Doug, come on.

Deacon's here. He's your friend.

You have fun together.

I know, but now there's the baby...

And him.

Hey, you're no day at the beach, either, Jumbo.

Shut up. You shut up.

OK, both of you shut up.

And have fun together.

Don't make me knock heads here.

Fine, whatever. Thank you.

Whatever.

OK, honey, you're all set.

Here's his See-and-Say,

his Binkies, wipes, talc, diapers, and butt cream.

Butt cream?

Where's this day heading?

Yeah, you wish.

Like I'd waste a wish on that, huh?

So, I have to watch him all day?

You can handle it, honey.

Come on, I've got to go chaperone Kirby's class trip.

Class trip. Psh. Third one this year.

See, that's why kids can't read today.

Yes, because of trips to the zoo, that's right.

OK. So you got your snacks,

the remote, and each other.

Go to town.

And no napping.

Come on. I'll drop you at the train.

CARRIE: OK. Have fun, you guys.

DOUG: Yeah, yeah, yeah. CARRIE: Okay, bye.

Think this will work?

It's either this or the Marines.

What do you got there, a baby?

Yeah.

OK.

SEE-AND-SAY: This is a pig.

Oink oink oink oink.

The cow says--moooo!

OK. You know what? You only pulled it twice,

and I'm ready to go on a shooting spree.

Would you rather have him cry?

Yes.

[REMINISCINGPLAYING]

Anyone want a beer?

I'm game.

Deac, how about you?

Nah. It's 9:30,

and I do have a baby.

It's not like you're breast-feeding.

Still, no.

Whatever. Forget it.

Suit yourselves.

I'm still pretty mellow,

thanks to the good folks at Pfizer.

Here you go, here you go.

SEE-AND-SAY: The cow says--moooo!

Here you go.

SEE-AND-SAY: The cow says--moooo!

OK. You know what? It says "moo" every damn time, and we get it.

It does not go "moo" every time, all right?

It's completely random.

Yeah? 5 bucks says the next one's a "moo."

I'll take some action on that.

I got a double sawbuck on "oink."

All right. I guess I'm the house.

All bets on the table, gentlemen.

ARTHUR: Come on, you stinking sheep.

Make it happen!

SEE-AND-SAY: The sheep goes--baaa!

Oh! Oh! Whoa!

What a rush!

OK. Let it all ride on "Baaaa."

I got a gut feeling here.

Put me down for whatever the frog says.

Come on, froggie! Froggie, froggie!

Come on, froggie! Froggie, froggie!

Come on, froggie! Moo for Daddy!

ARTHUR: Baaa!

SEE-AND-SAY: Do you hear the frog?

[CROAKING] Ribbit! Sweet ribbit!

Hot cha cha!

Pay the man!

OK, now, come on. OK, Douglas...

you're white hot Douglas.

Yeah, you rode the frog to the top,

but remember, the wheel of fortune is a fickle whore.

Hey, lady!

Nice pants suit.

Vivian Vance called.

She wants it back.

Oh, man.

Hoo...

Hey, think I should cover him up?

I don't want him to get sunburned.

I'll be honest with you, Deac.

That's your call.

[CAR APPROACHES]

MAN: Hey. Yeah?

MAN: I'm looking for Forest Hills High School.

I thought it was around here.

[ASIDE] Watch this.

Man, you are lost. Hang a u-ey.

Stay on this road

till you get to the Long Island Expressway

and get on it.

Yeah. And then you take the expressway

all the way to Industrial Park Boulevard.

You go about 8 miles on that.

Just keep hugging the railroad.

Then park and walk past the Rivet Warehouse.

You can't miss it.

MAN: Uh...thanks.

[CAR DRIVES AWAY]

He bought it.

Oh, that was pretty sweet, man.

Whoo.

You know what, boys?

Let's hit the streets.

[PUBLIC ENEMY'S "FIGHT THE POWER"]

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* We've got to fight the powers that be *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* Fight the power *

* We've got to fight the powers that be *

I gotta say, this has worked out

much better than I thought.

They're clean,

reasonably presentable.

I know, and they don't even smell.

And we're down wind.

OK. Just spoke to the guy.

We should have a seat in a few minutes.

Thank you, honey.

And might I say,

you look awfully cute tonight.

Can't help it.

McCracken. Party of 5.

McCracken.

I'm sorry.

Which McCracken is that?

"Phil McCracken."

Not without dinner and drinks.

That's us. That's us.

That's us.

Oh, man.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Curly McIrish.

Better get our drink orders in

before he hits the bar.

Hey, Arthur. I'll give you 10 bucks if you chug the Tabasco.

Oh, you just lost yourself a double finsky, son.

Hey, Deac, you want some of this.

No way, man. He's got the eye of the tiger.

How about I up the stakes, huh?

I'll drink the Tabasco

and chase it with a pitcher of curdled cream.

Oh, it's on, baby.

Wait a minute.

What are we doing?

Relax, darling.

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Dad, no.

No. Let go of it.

You cannot drink Tabasco and cream.

You've got an ulcer,

and you're lactose intolerant.

What the hell is going on with you guys?

Nothing. We're just grabbin' some kicks,

lettin' our freak flags fly.

You know, I got a really weird message on the machine tonight

from Mrs. Kralick down the street.

[SNORT] What does she want?

Did you do something to her mailbox?

Did she happen to mention

that she started it?

Busted.

Busted.

[DEACON, ARTHUR AND DOUG LAUGH]

Hey, check this out.

How ya doin'?

Well, this has worked out just lovely, hasn't it?

I don't know what you're looking at me for.

Putting them together was your idea.

At least I had an idea, Kel.

OK. You know what? Not your best.

Cat fight! Make out.

Kiss her. Kiss her.

We've got some complaints about the noise over here.

Could you please keep it down a bit.

Oh, we're very sorry.

That's quite all right. Enjoy your dinner.

[CUTLERY DROPS]

Oh, I'll get that.

[FART NOISE]

Hey, you feeling all right there, Chief?

I'm sorry, folks.

It just don't get funnier than that.

Hey, guy!

Why don't you wear those pants a little higher.

Yeah, you can button them around your neck.

All right, who's empty?

Well, I'll take another one. Yeah, hit me, too.

OK. Watch my baby.

Got you covered, stretch.

Look. Look, look. Cop car.

Hey!

Somebody cooking bacon?

[SIREN POPS]

Oh, God!

Attica! Attica!

That's right.

Keep moving, Officer Krupke.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll be right back.

[RING]

[RING]

City morgue.

Nah. Just kidding. This is Doug.

Who dis?

Oh, hey, Pete.

Really?

Oh, man, that's great.

Yeah. No, no. We'll be there.

All right, man.

Take it easy.

What's going on?

Strike's over.

We're back at work tomorrow.

You got it.

Plenty of room.

[CAR BACKING UP]

Keep coming.

[TIRES SCREECH, GARBAGE CANS CRASH]

Ah.

Oh, that was beautiful.

So, fellas, don't forget about tomorrow.

We're stealing that street sign from Arthur Avenue.

What's the matter? [OPENS BOTTLE]

You going soft on me all of a sudden?

No. It's just, uh... strike's over.

What?

It's over.

We go back to work tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What about my street sign?

We all agreed

it would look so good over my bed.

I know, but the strike's settled.

Our union accepted a new offer.

Oh.

They accepted it, did they?

Well, I got news for you, my friend.

Your union sold you out!

We got an 8% pay increase.

So it's all about the money, then?

The filthy lucre.

Well, fine. Here.

Here's some blood money for you.

You want some more?

Here. Here's some more.

Crawl for it.

Go ahead, crawl for it!

Actually, I need that back.

Manly, yes, but I like it, too.

Yeah. The face is back.

And seeing you in that uniform again...

yummy.

I would take you night now

if the world didn't need its packages.

I'd take you right now

if I hadn't just taken you last night.

As you know, I need a 24-hour turnaround.

Whoa.

Oh, hello.

Dad, you can't just come up here.

I'm in my bra.

Settle down. I've seen better.

Ow.

Anyhow, I just came up to talk to Douglas.

Fine.

What's up?

Oh, not too much.

I just wanted to wish you luck

on your first day back at work.

Oh, well, thank you, Arthur.

I would've done it yesterday,

but I guess I let my emotions

get the better of me.

That was quite a crying jag, yeah.

I also wanted to say...

the time we spent together

was very special to me, Douglas.

I haven't felt such camaraderie

since Socialist Summer Camp.

Yeah. We did have some good times.

I gotta tell you, Arthur,

not many guys your age

can outrun mall security.

You flatter me.

So...

I guess it's time for you to punch the clock, huh?

Yeah. I gotta...

You know, I was thinking...

Yes?

Just 'cause I'm going back to work

doesn't mean we can't do stuff,

you know, once in a while.

Well...

perhaps, if you're free after dinner,

we could settle our unfinished business

with that Pakistani family down the street.

I believe the ball is in our court.

You're on, my friend.

* Fight the power *

[**]