Original subtitles

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Ah, there he is. There's my boy.

Morning, Arthur. Want some pancakes?

No, no, no.

I just want to sit here and drink you in.

All right.

Arthur-- Don't mind me. Eat, eat.

I can't eat when you're drinking me.

I'm sorry, I'm just so damn proud of you.

A working Joe on strike

bringing the capitalist bosses to their knees.

I admire you so much right now

it's actually bordering on lust.

OK, I guess I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight.

Hiya, boys. Whoa!

What are we serving up here?

What we're serving, my lady,

is a pretty close replica of IHOP's famous

Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Pancakes,

which I made especially for you

and me.

Ah, that's very sweet, honey, but I'm really not that hungry.

How dare you talk to this man like that!

Why can't you just smile and say, "Thank you, sir,

"those are the best Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Pancakes

I've ever had"?

Well, for one, it's a little wordy.

She doesn't deserve you.

Oh, I gotta get to work.

You go, girl.

Heh! So, what are you gonna do today?

Well, let's see, I got my mah-jongg at 11:00.

And of course, I've got my stories.

Doug, come on. I'm serious.

You gonna be OK?

Huh! Yeah! Why wouldn't I be OK?

Well, you know, not--

Not being able to go to work for so long

is bound to, you know,

put you a little off your game.

Excuse me. Way on my game!

I've got a lot of things to do today, Carrie.

Yeah? Like what?

Household repairs.

Like this knob, for instance.

Remember, you, uh, you said it was loose.

I did?

Oh! When we were first looking at the house.

Right, yeah.

Well, today it happens--

that and a lot more other stuff--

so you just run along, all right?

All right, I'll see ya.

All right, giddyap! Watcha!

Go!

[WHIRRING]

[WHIRS]

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

WOMAN [ON TV]: You know, I have never been very good

at being a solitary woman.

Until recently, my entire existence

was defined by the man in my life.

And when I wanted to bring more...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

...into our relationship by having another baby,

and so that drove us apart--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mr. Heffernan?

That's me. Heh heh!

Actually, I work at IPS.

We're on strike at the moment,

but I'm sure you heard about that.

Right.

Sign here, please.

Whoa! 560 Dicad Board. Sweet!

I'm still working off a 520.

Can you believe that?

This baby must be

like greased lightning, huh?

Could you just sign it, please?

Oh, yeah.

Let me give you some advice.

Cherish every moment

you have on that truck.

'Cause believe me,

it can all just go away like that.

Guy, I got a lot of deliveries.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

[TRUCK STARTS UP]

[TRUCK DEPARTS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Mr. Grossman's office.

MAN: Did you find the book you wanted?

What? Who-- Who is this?

Look to your left.

Actually, y-your right.

Surprise!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Nothing. Just thought I'd, uh, you know,

come down, see what you're doing for lunch.

It's 10 a.m.

Yeah. When they say, "express train,"

they--they really mean it. Heh!

But, uh, how about brunch?

Oh, honey, I would love to,

but I have all this extra work

I have to do for Pruzan.

All right, well, then, uh--

Say hello to my heinie, 'cause I'm out of here!

No, no, no, no. Honey, maybe I can, uh,

sneak away for a quick cup of coffee.

No. No, no, no. Hey, look, you're busy.

That's cool. You do your thang,

'cause it'll give me a chance to do my thangs.

Heh. All right, bye then! A-are you sure, honey, it's OK?

I'm positive. It's all good! Grr!

Hey! Whoa!

Doug?! What are you doing back here?

Look what I have.

You came back here to show me a Pinkie Ball?

And have a catch. Come on!

Doug, would you-- What the hell are you doing?

Nothing! I just thought I'd break up a very busy day

by visiting my wife. Excuse me for living!

Come here for a sec.

Where we going? What, we going to the park?

No, not the park.

Doug, you don't have to put this act on for me.

Act? What act?

This whole "I'm so happy" act.

Look, you've been out of work for a couple of weeks.

It-It's--It's normal for you to feel a little lost...

powerless...

a little emasculated.

What are you talking about?

Well, all right. Uh, for instance,

what happened last night? Ahem.

What happened last night?

When you couldn't...

When I couldn't...

Oh! No, I wasn't trying to doanything!

I--I was climbing over you for a tissue.

[LAUGHING] You thought I was--Oh, my--

That's funny! That's funny!

OK, look. You don't have to overcompensate.

Just talk to me.

I'm not overcompensating, you know.

I'm compensating just the right amount!

You know, I came down here

for a catch, a simple catch.

Apparently, there's no catch.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] I'll see you at home.

Good-bye.

Walk away, Carrie.

Excuse me.

I'm, uh, looking for my sister... Stephanie Heffernan.

She-she's a gym teacher here.

Wh-where would I find her?

A gym teacher? Yeah.

Try the gym.

Thanks.

Moron.

All right, ladies, listen up.

Listen up. We're gonna play Ultimate Dodge Ball.

4 teams, 4 balls.

OK, captains...

Kaplan, Baylog, Maggan, Spreckman.

In a minute, we're gonna chose up sides

and pick a quadrant for home base.

Psst! [WHISPERING] What?

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, in a minute, just a minute.

Now, here's how we play the game, guys.

All right, uh, now, if your team captures a player,

that player then plays for that team

and so on and so forth.

Now, the game is over

when one team captures all the players

or when somebody gets seriously hurt.

Kidding!

All right, now, uh, as I said,

no grabbing, no pushing, or tripping.

If I see anybody doing that,

you'll be removed from the game immediately.

All right, ladies,

choose your sides.

The game begins on my whistle. All right?

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd pop in,

just feeling--

Hey, somebody has to pick Lenka!

Sorry. What?

Nothing. It's just that the strike's got me feeling--

She is not retarded!

Ugh! I'm sorry, you're feeling what?

I just--I don't-- I don't know, maybe,

a little, uh, emasculated.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Right.

Emasculated? Heh.

Like, impotent? No, shut up. No.

Shut up.

What? Tell me. Tell me.

I just--I--I guess the strike's

got me feeling crappy, that's all.

It's natural. You're used to going to work in the morning.

You've been working steady since you were what?

29.

Well, why don't you get a part-time job or something?

Doing what? GIRL: Ow!

It's OK! Walk it off, Ferraro. Walk it off.

You know, they're always looking

for substitute teachers here.

Yeah, I'm gonna teach. OK, yeah, that's good.

No, it's easy. Any idiot can be a substitute.

Don't you need, like, a college degree or something?

Oh, yeah. Heh!

You dropped out of college, didn't you?

Junior college, and yes.

Yeah, it's all right.

You know, they are so hard up here for subs,

they never check.

Really? I mean,

I--I don't know, maybe it could work. Right?

I--I am good with kids.

You don't need to be.

Just give them an assignment and read the newspaper.

I love the newspaper!

All right, get me in, Steph! This is great, yeah!

CARRIE: So let me get this straight.

Youare gonna teach kids.

Yeah. What are you gonna teach them?

Package delivery?

Noshing?

[MOCK LAUGHTER]

Shut it.

I can't believe you, Carrie.

I mean, you're going on and on all week long--

"Ooh! Oh, Doug, you're overcompensating!

"You're emasculated!

"You're a limp little Nancy boy

who can't satisfy a woman!"

I never said that!

A little thing called body language.

The point is I--I finally found something

that's gonna make me feel useful,

a-and you crap all over it.

All right, you know what? You're right.

I--I shouldn't have reacted like that.

I-I'm sorry.

But teaching? Yes, teaching!

Is this because I wouldn't have a catch with you?

OK, you know what? Obviously, you don't get

what I'm into right now.

So why don't you go back to your little work?

I've got a lesson plan to review.

Douglas, I couldn't help overhearing.

You're going to mold young minds, eh?

Yup.

Joined the teacher's union, have you?

Heh! No!

What? You pass yourself off as a good union man,

and then you turn around and scab?

I would slap you right across your face

if I didn't think you would, in turn, floor me.

Arthur, I'm not taking anybody's job.

I'm a substitute teacher.

I'm just filling in while another teacher's out sick.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, you douche.

["WELCOME BACK, KOTTER THEME" PLAYING]

You have a hall pass, boys?

All right, move it along. Move it along.

[SLURPING]

Morning, everyone! Morning.

Hi, I'm Doug Heffernan.

How you doing? I'm Doug.

Taking over for Mr. Briley, teaching his class.

DOUG: Ahem.

Ed-u-ca-shion!

All right, I guess I'll just, uh, plunk down here

until second period.

Hey, you mind if I--

All right. I'll bring 2 packs tomorrow.

Mm!

That's a good smoke right there.

Good smoke. Whoo!

Teaching the kids.

Shaping their futures, that's what we're doing.

Really, you think about it,

they're--they're the clay, you know.

We're the sculptor.

It's our job to mold 'em.

Mold 'em! Heh heh!

Just don't mold them too much.

You get in trouble for that!

Because the mind is a terrible thing to waste--

-Will you shut up? -Yes, I will.

[BELL RINGS]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Good morning, class. Good morning.

Could everybody please find a seat?

Find a seat, thank you very much.

OK, everybody find a seat.

Well, good morning.

I am Mr...

Heffernan.

OK? Alrighty.

So, uh, if you feel comfortable enough with me,

you can call me Mr. H.

[STAPLER GOES OFF]

OK, uh, well,

Mr. Briley has left an assignment for you.

Uh, in your textbooks...

"America: From Colony to Country,

A Dream Realized."

He wants you guys to, uh, read chapters 3 and 4

about the First Continental Congress

and summarize.

Now, if there are no questions,

everybody can please begin. Heh heh!

Ahem!

Uh, yes, boy raising his hand?

We did that assignment yesterday.

Y-You did?

Yeah.

Uh...

Mr. Briley has it down here for today.

Well, we did it. I mean, you can test us

on it if you want to.

Uh, no, that, uh, that won't be necessary.

OK. So what do we do?

Um...OK, got it! Uh--

Everybody break up into pairs.

Find a buddy. Find a buddy, everybody.

And do what?

I'm gonna need you to raise your hand.

Yes? And do what?

Um...

re-read chapters chapters 3 and 4--

this time, together, alternating.

Are you even a real teacher?

Hand.

Yes?

Are you even a real teacher?

Yes, I'm-- I'm Mr. Heffernan.

Yes?

Where did you go to school?

I, uh, attended, uh,

the Nassau Community College of Teaching Arts

and Substitution.

[COUGHS] Fat ass!

W-what was that?

[COUGHS]

O-OK, you know what, kids?

I think we all need a time-out.

OK, everybody, heads on desk.

Why don't we put our heads on the desk?

Everybody, heads-- You know what?

Fine. You don't have to do it,

but you're only hurting yourselves.

I don't know. Maybe I should change my teaching method.

Maybe the key is to--

to reach out to these kids, you know,

get your hands dirty, let them know you care.

Will you stop playing with the cones?

They're in intervals.

Oops.

Look, Doug, relax. You're a sub.

Your only job is to make sure that nobody kills anybody,

and even if they do, not your baggage.

Well, you know, I don't accept that.

This is my job now.

I gotta get through to these kids.

STEPHANIE: Whatever!

[HAND BELL RINGING]

Hear ye, hear ye!

All right. The First Continental Congress is now in session.

OK...

Well, now that I have your attention,

let's see what we can learn

about the fathers of our country, huh?

OK, you just got yourself a zero for the day, mister!

You can't give us zeros.

Oh, no? I can't? Well, now you got 2!

You wanna try for 3? 'Cause I'll give you 3!

What a clown!

Oh, I'm a clown? Well, laugh at this!

You just earned yourself a week's suspension!

What?! Good-bye!

No, you can't-- Good day, sir!

You don't have the power

to suspend anybody.

And you certainly don't have the power

to leave anyone back a grade.

I now know that for next time.

Stephanie...

didn't you vouch for his qualifications?

Yes, and I was misled.

I apologize.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

You are such an idiot.

Shut up!

You shut up! You shut up!

Ow! Ow!

[IMITATES FARTING]

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Hey, later!

At it again, darling?

Yes, I'm doing more research for free.

This one's a case involving Chinese refugees

who are being smuggled into the country

as prostitutes and slaves.

Wow, they saw you comin'.

Ah, there he is. Mr. Chips.

You know what, Arthur?

Last thing I need now is a fat joke.

Mr. Chips is a fictional teacher.

Your ignorance is appalling.

So, how was school today?

I was expelled.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Eh! On the upside,

I know where there's a great make-out party

on Saturday night.

Damn it!

I wish this stupid strike would end.

All I wanna do is just get up in the morning,

put on my shorts, and feel like a man again.

The strike will end soon, honey.

You just gotta hang in there.

It's just not easy.

I know, but that's why

I've been trying to tell you, Doug,

you have to talk to me when you're--

when you're feeling bad. I mean, I'm here for you.

I know. It's just--

It's hard to talk to you about stuff like this.

I'm your wife! Exactly! You're my wife,

and I want to be strong for you. I--

I wanna bring home a paycheck to you.

I wanna open jars for you.

I wanna lift a car off of you.

All right, you had me until the car thing.

You know what I mean. I do. I do.

And you are all those things to me, you know?

I--I love you. I feel so safe with you.

You do?

Yes! Not because you're a big guy

or you--you have a job, but...

because of the person you are.

You're a man. You're a strong,

virile man.

What is that? Powder?

Yes, I was-- I was wearing a wig today.

Ah!

As long as we're talking,

I wanna tell you that, uh...

the other night, I--

I wasn't reaching for a tissue.

I know.

I know you know. I just wanted

to be a man and own up to it.

Well, that's good.

So, do you wanna-- You wanna go upstairs

and give it another try?

Y-you mean right now?

Before the strike's over?

Well, yeah, but only if you want to.

A-all right, all right.

OK, let's go!

All right! Heh heh! Mmm!

But you know what? Hold up a sec.

What's that for?

Plan B. Just in case things don't work out.

* For closing books *

* And long last looks must end *

* And as I leave *

* I know that I am leaving *

* My best friend *

* To sir, with love *

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