Original subtitles

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Hey there.

Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Well, let's just say that a lot of packages

are in different places than they were this morning.

It's what I do.

Hi. What do you got there?

CD. Apparently Bon Jovi is back.

Hmm...

Oh, he looks cute.

I'd still do him.

-Put it on. -You got it. Comin' up.

Just pull the tab.

I don't-- I don't see a tab.

Well, there's a tab-- that red plastic thing.

OK, that's not on this, that's on gum.

Here we go. Here we go.

There we go.

Yeah.

A little Jovi, comin' up.

Honey, you know, give me something sharp, now.

Here. I just got some new scissors.

* My eyes are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge tonight *

* But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby, all my life *

* I will be drivin' home to you *

Here you go, darling.

I finished the book you loaned me.

Tuesdays with Morrie.

Dad, I didn't loan this to you.

I bought this for someone as a gift.

That might explain why it was in your drawer in a bag.

Oh, well, there it is, good as new. Wrap it up.

There are pages ripped out.

Well, I'm sorry. I was aggravated.

Morrie's dying and this young man visits him,

brings him food, tucks a blanket under his legs,

writes down all his insights--

Made my stomach turn!

Why?

I've mentored many young men in my time.

Not a single one has come by

to chronicle my wisdom. Not one!

Who have you mentored?

Many young men!

OK, got it. Take a step back.

There you go.

Darling, I had an idea.

How would you like to jot down my musings on life?

Any interest?

Uh, sounds more like a Doug thing.

Hello.

Hey. Hi.

Douglas, how would you like to chronicle my life?

What?

Chronicle my life!

Come on, haven't I mentored you, taken you under my wing,

taught you a few things about the world and its peoples?

Mmm... no, not really.

I see. Well, obviously I've been

casting my pearls before swine.

Uh, good day, and I'll see you both in hell.

So, how was work?

Good. Today at lunch I nailed down the difference

between pastrami and corned beef.

One makes me go like this...

The other one, like this...

Once again, question was, how was work?

It was busy. Busy.

Kew Gardens branch was down today,

they routed everything through us.

Oh.

That's no big deal, though.

The new kid, Rico, I'm working with,

really came through. He was like,

[LATIN ACCENT] "Hey, that's no problem.

We just double up, Jack. Push it, baby."

Is that the way he talks?

Yeah, he's got that accent, you know?

[IMITATES RICO] "Hey, Jack, how you doing?"

He calls everybody Jack.

I wish I had a little thing,

a little signature way of talking.

You kinda do.

Really?

Yeah. You know, like when you--

You extend words for no reason,

like--like this would be an on-ion-nion.

Yeah, I guess I do have that.

It's not cool, though, you know?

[IMITATES RICO] "Hey, what's for dinner, Jack?"

We're looking at spaghetti.

Oh, yeah. Give me a taste, baby.

OK, coming at ya.

Yeah, feed me the pasta, feed me.

Come on, come on, give it-- Give it to me, yeah--

[NORMAL VOICE] Aah, my God, that's hot!

[MODEM RINGS]

Hey, whatcha doing?

Paying our bills online.

[MODEM CONNECTING]

And you think with all the technology we have,

they can come up with a better sound than...

[IMITATING MODEM]

Hey, hey! It's annoying, OK?

So, come on, why don't you leave your bills behind

and get reacquainted with my UnderDougie?

No, no, no, come on. No, no, no, come on.

I gotta do this. I gotta do this.

Hey, come on.

Hey, didn't you vow to obey me in our wedding?

Obey me. Obey me, wife. Obey me.

Doug, stop it!

Come on, we cut that obey stuff out when we wrote our own vows.

Actually, I snuck it back in quietly.

I was, I was like,

[QUIETLY] "Obey me."

Look, if I don't get these paid by tomorrow,

the power company is gonna turn our lights off.

[IMITATES RICO] That's OK, baby. We just make love in the dark.

You know dat's the way it's supposed to be, you know?

Mmm. You like doing it in the dark, Rico?

[IMITATES RICO] Oh, yeah, baby,

so why don't you say good night to the world wide web

and let Rico connect you, eh?

You think you got it in you?

You know I do.

Show me what ya got.

[ALARM BEEPING]

Horrible beeping noise must be stopped.

[ALARM STOPS]

Must snuggle with bear-like husband.

Pretty wiped out, huh?

Yeah. Tend to have that effect on the ladies.

Well, hello! I didn't hear you come in,

Mr. Morning Sex.

Doug?

Yeah?

Do Rico.

What?

The voice. Do Rico.

Uh...

[IMITATES RICO] Okay, so...

you want to dance the samba in the air,

in May, baby?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

That's the early bird special.

That's gonna cost you. Mmm...

ARTHUR: Frankie Johnson?

Arthur Spooner. Remember me?

I filled in for your archery instructor at Camp Wigwam.

Oh, for God's sakes, I mentored you!

Fine! See you in hell!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS] Who is it?

MAN: A Taste of Bombay!

Oh, terrific!

Hi there.

Hello. You have the Maknitika Chicken,

Palak Paneer, and a lemonade.

That's 14.82, sir.

Let me get some cash.

Come in. Come in.

Son, how far do you and I go back?

What is it, 2, 3 years?

I don't know.

Remember that time I ordered

the Tandoori Lamb from you?

Oh, that was fun.

What was your name again?

Sanjib. Sinbad?

Sanjib. Sandjob?

Sanjib. Look, I have a lot of other orders in the car,

so if you could please pay me, I would appreciate it.

Oh, yes. I'll get to that,

but first, I have a few things I'd like to tell you

about the way things work

in this crazy place

we call Planet Earth.

Hit record and play at the same time.

Boop-boop.

Dead end package.

You know, if your owner really wanted you,

he might've been home one of the three times

I tried to deliver you.

It's a crime at the way people don't wait at home

for their packages anymore.

It really is. So, uh...

You were a little late this morning, what was up?

Uh, nothin'.

Carrie and I just got into a little morning action.

Morning action. Nice work.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

No big deal? Didn't you once call morning sex

the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it?

Ah, I mean, it was good, it was just that, uh...

I don't know.

Do you, uh, think this is weird?

Last night, I was trying to get Carrie in the mood,

so I, uh... I did a voice.

A voice?

Yeah.

What, like Bugs Bunny?

No. I did the voice of the new guy.

Who?

Rico? Yeah.

Sort of turned her on a little, too.

Then this morning,

she asked me to do Rico again.

Think that's a bad sign?

Do the voice for me.

I'm not doing the voice.

I'm just asking you

do you think it's bad that Carrie's kind of, like,

I don't know, into Rico?

Does it mean that I'm slipping?

That maybe me alone doesn't turn her on anymore?

Well, I mean, has she ever even met Rico?

No, but I think she's rolling the dice

that young, Latino stud

might be a little bit more of a turn-on

than big ass who's always there, always!

Yeah. I see your point. I knew it!

Come on, man! I think it's fine.

Look, you've been married for a while.

These things happen. You get creative.

Don't worry about it.

You, uh... You do voices?

No.

I do wear a bandana.

Really? Now, are you playing a character

when you wear that bandana?

Hmm, I guess not.

So that's still you.

Well, it's "bad" me.

See, that wasn't me at all in bed last night.

Just do the voice for me.

I'm not doing the voice!

I just want to feel the magic.

You know what he sounds like.

Yeah, but not talking sexy.

Come on. Do the voice.

Put on the bandana.

Hey, Rico. Come here for a second.

Hey. What's up, Jack?

Not too much, man. Listen, um...

Doug and I were just trying to remember the words to that, uh,

George Michael song,

I Want Your Sex.

Um, remember how that goes?

Yeah, I think it's something like,

um...

"Sex is natural, sex is fun... Yeah?

Sex is best when it's one on one."

That's right.

Thanks.

OK...

that got me a little hot.

What have you brought me today, son?

What you ordered.

That was very kind of you.

Could you tuck this blanket under my feet?

Thank you.

So, that's 13.28.

Right, right.

Sit for a moment, would you?

Sanjib...

do you see this glass as half empty...

or half full?

Half full.

OK, so you know that one.

Dad, would you just pay the guy and let him leave?

In a minute.

And stop ordering Indian food.

It's stinkin' up the fridge.

No offense.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi.

Oh, N.Y.P.D. Blue.

I miss Jimmy Smits,

but good for Rick Schroeder,

you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. Good for him.

Have I told you how much I love you today?

Oh, honey, that's sweet.

I love you, too.

So you, uh,

you wanna...

hmm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just finish watching the show first.

[IMITATES RICO] Come on, baby. Let's do it now.

Oh, Rico...

you want me to turn the TV off?

[IMITATES RICO] Yes.

Well, OK.

[TV CLICKS OFF]

Here I am, you big Latin stud.

All right, that's it!

What?

You wouldn't turn off the TV for me,

but you sure turned it off

for Rico, didn't you?

What are you talking about?

Oh, nothing. Just that you're more attracted to him

than you are to me.

Doug, I don't know Rico.

I've never even met him.

Oh, you know him.

What does that mean?

I don't know. All I know is,

Doug plays with your hair,

nothing.

Rico does, bingo.

Or should I say, el bingo?!

Let me get this straight.

You are jealous of a guy that I've never met

that is actually you.

No, I'm jealous of Rico!

You are Rico, you idiot!

No, I don't go around calling people "Jack."

I'm the "on-i-on-i-on" guy.

And that, to my recollection,

has never gotten your middle third

singin' Sweet Virginia.

Admit it, Carrie.

Another man's voice is turning you on.

Maybe I am turned on by the fact

that you are such a talented mimic.

You ever think of that?

Oh, is that it? Well, then let's get Rich Little in here.

We'll have an orgy.

Is this what I'm like when I get my period?

Because if it is, I am very, very sorry.

You know what? It's fine. It's fine.

It really is, it really is, you know?

I just--I guess we've reached that phase in our relationship

where I need to do other people's voices

to turn you on.

So, what are you saying?

You're saying that you have never thought of anyone else

when we're in bed together? Is that what you're saying?

Just the fact that you're asking me that

means you thought about Rico.

Just answer my question.

Have you ever thought of anyone else?

I've...

shuffled through a few images,

but then retreated out of guilt.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So other people have crossed your mind.

Maybe, but the only person I thought of

for more than a few seconds was Don Zimmer,

and that was just to pull in the reins a little.

Whatever. Look, this is so crazy.

It's just a stupid little accent

you started doing,

and now for some reason you're mad at me.

I am begging you. Can we let this go?

Fine. You know what? I'm going to grab a beer.

Why don't you give me a jingle when you're ready

to have sex with Doug Heffernan again!

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you give me a jingle

when you stop fantasizing about Don Zimmer?

SANJIB [ON TAPE]: I'm sorry, but I really just have to be going.

ARTHUR [ON TAPE]: Oh, yes.

We're all coming and going.

Only the man who makes peace with that

can truly be free.

More curry?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[RING]

Coming!

Leave my son alone!

What?

He does not wish to chronicle your wisdom...

but thank you for your business.

Here's your food. That's 11.95.

All right. Here's your money.

You know, people often ask me,

"Why is there so much anger all around us?"

And I say-- Ba-dup!

Oh, strong to the hoop!

Oh, that's the answer, that's the answer.

It's 10-8, 10-8.

Hey, by the way, thanks for the tip.

What do you mean?

I tried Rico's voice last night.

Kelly liked it so much that after we were done,

she got out of bed and made me a grilled cheese.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, Carrie's here.

Really?

Hey, big guy!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, this is perfect,

just when he's glistening.

Sub!

Hey, how did you know I was here?

Your dispatcher told me

you guys were playing some ball. Listen...

I--I felt really bad about our fight last night--

And you know what? No big deal, OK?

Just, uh, see ya later, OK? Bye-bye.

Buckle up for safety--for safety. N-no!

No, honey, honey, it is a big deal, OK?

If your feelings were hurt,

and you were still thinking about it this morning, that's bad.

Now, I don't want to get into who's right or who's wrong,

the point is, this has nothing to do with Rico.

I love you, and that's it.

Love me. Got it. OK.

All right, honey, I love you.

I'll see you at home. All right. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

RICO: Hey, where you going, Jack?

You liked his voice, now welcome to his face.

Is that what you're all...

worked up about? Pfft! I gotta tell you, honey,

if I passed him on the street...

nothing.

Then why haven't you blinked?

I'm going.

Hey, you're not leaving, are you, Jack?

Uh, no, no, no. Uh...

Rico, this is, uh, my wife Carrie.

Hello, how you doing?

She's doing good. You're doing really good, right?

This is my girlfriend Francesca.

Mmm, very nice to meet you.

I love your sweater.

Oh. Yeah, well,

Carrie's just leaving now, right? Yeah.

Oh, I was just leaving.

Drive away, honey. Drive away. OK.

Come on, Doug. Can't we get past this?

Don't you want to "Dougercise" me?

Something?

I can't. You'll just think about Rico, and...

I can't imitate that body.

Why does this have to be a bad thing?

I mean, maybe this is like

a new phase for us, you know? We role-play.

It could be fun.

What do you mean?

[IMITATES FRANCESCA] Doug, I'm Francesca,

Rico's adorable girlfriend.

I'm very sexy and very Italian

and very hopeful that you will come out to play.

What the hell have you been drinking?

Well, I think you might like a little action, too,

and not Don Zimmer's.

[IMITATES FRANCESCA] So, Doug...

you like it, come on. Say you like it, Dougie.

Mmm. I'm not hating it.

You would, uh, do Francesca during...mmm?

Of course. I'll do anything for you, Doug. I love you.

[IMITATES FRANCESCA] So, Doug,

you want a little-a Italian gelato?

What flavor?

Spumoni.

What's that?

It's got...

fruit...

and nuts and candy.

OK, now I actually want gelato...

...but I can get that later. OK.

[IMITATES RICO] So, Francesca,

are you ready for some hot, Latin love, eh, baby?

[IMITATES FRANCESCA] I'm ready, Rico.

Mmm. Mmm. You are a big, sexy Latino stud.

Oh, that's-a right, Jack!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

What was that?

The toilet won't-a stop flushing again!

You know, it kind of smells.

I'll get the plunger.

Whoo! Man, it is great to be them.

ARTHUR: And so,

that is why I look at this glass as half full.

Write that down.

I'm not gonna write it down.

You're supposed to be chronicling my wisdom.

I'm not going to chronicle your wisdom.

You chronicle my wisdom.

Your wisdom is stupid.

Oh, what? The glass is half full. Oh, that's genius.

So, that's how it's gonna be?

Well, chronicle this--

I'll see you in hell!

[**]