All language subtitles for Lopez vs Lopez s01e18 Goosey.eng

Dad, you're getting
cheese on my couch.

And I can't flip the cushion over
because you got chili on the other side.

It's not my fault you keep your
cushions where I keep my chili.

Don't worry. I'll clean it.

Ooh, couch con queso!

Don't mind if I do.

Gordo, don't you
want to tell them

about the fight you got
into at school today?

No, that pretty much covers it.

- What?
- You got into a fight?

Are you okay, Gordo?

- Who did this to you?
- Yes, tell us.

So I can hunt down that little psychopath
and slash the tires of his Big Wheel.

His name's Mateo. He
lives at 5543 86th_

Okay, okay.

Everyone, keep your earrings on.

How do we know Chance isn't
the little psychopath?

This sweet face?

I have the same sweet
face, and I've done stuff.

Okay, Gordo, come over here.

It's time you and I
had a friendly chat.

Where were you on
the morning of today?

I was at recess just
minding my business,

waving my arms around
like a regular boy.

And then what happened?

Then Mateo's face
got in the way.

So you punched him.

If that's what
you wanna call it.

- I want the truth.
- You can't handle the truth!

But yeah, I punched him.

Queso closed.

I can't believe Chance
punched someone.

You gotta do something

before he turns into
a Menendez brother.

Oh, don't worry.

We're coming in hot...

with fresh baked cookies.

It's how we get him to open up.

Like the children's book says,
if you give a mouse a cookie,

it talks about its feelings and
stops punching the other mice.

You're rewarding bad
behavior with cookies.

You should know I mixed the regular
trash with the recycling on purpose.

So punish me too, Daddy. Ay!

Chance acted out, and
according to my therapist_

Ay, here we go.

A child needs help understanding their
behavior, not just someone saying,

"You didn't put your crayons away,
so now baby Jesus is crying."

You never left them
lying around again.

And I also used "eat your
veggies or Yolanda gets parole."

Oh, oh, and my favorite...

"You dyed your hair purple, and now
your abuelita's in the hospital."

This is exactly what my
therapist was talking about.

You used emotional manipulation
to scare me into behaving.

Stop saying that, or
you'll cause a forest fire.

Why are you talking to this
therapist about me anyway?

Isn't your life
interesting enough?

Definitely not. I
read all her DMs.

Ain't nobody sliding in there.

I talk about everything
in therapy, Mom.

It helps me process my feelings.

You'd understand it if
you tried it sometime.

Mm, therapy's a waste of money,
according to my psychic, Madam Jeanette.

Then I'll pay for it. You
should talk to Dr. Brenda.

Fine, I will;

So I can tell her to stop
poisoning you against me...

and to go by her last
name like a real doctor.

That is her last name.
She's Dr. Glenda Brenda.

Anyway, whatever
gets you in the door.

It'll be great to finally
prove to my therapist

that you're a real person and not just
a blend of Disney villains I made up.

Hey, buddy; Seemed like
you had a hard day.

Why don't you tell Mommy and
Daddy how you're feeling?

I feel awful...

about the lack of
chips in this cookie.

I thought we talked about this.

My therapist said he
might react this way.

But there's a tool we can
use to get him to open up.

- Follow my lead.
- Got it.

We get it, Chance.

You don't wanna talk to your
lame parents about this.

Luckily, you can talk to...

Hi, Chance.

I'm Goosey.

And I'm Quackey.

Stop. There only
needs to be one.

You're making it weird.

I'm sorry.

So tell me what happened today.

Did Mateo say something
to make you upset?

Yeah, he said Snorlax was a more
powerful Pok�mon than Charizard.

Everyone knows
that's a filthy lie.

Actually, Gordo,
there's a lot of debate.

-If you consult_
-Not the time, nerd!

It's okay to be upset.

But if you can recognize those
feelings, then you can calm yourself.

That is called
emotional regulation.

Goosey has a song about it.

? When you're feeling
some frustration ?

- Emotional regu...?
- I'm good.

Look, Mom, Dad, Goosey,

I feel terrible.

And I'm really sorry.

And I promise it will
never happen again.

Well, that's great, buddy.

Can I go hang out
with Grandpa now?

Sure! Get out of here, you
emotionally stable kid.

We got him to
process his feelings.

I mean, we spent hundreds of
dollars on parenting books,

and all we really needed
was a pair of googly eyes

we won playing Whac-A-Mole.

But I still can't believe
Chance resorted to violence.

Where would he even learn
something like that?

Ale! Get him!

Get him! That's it! That's it!

Get him! Beat his eyes out!

Chance, watch your mouth. In
boxing, the correct term is "jab."

Jab his eyes out!

There you go. Eso, mijo!

Dad, it is inappropriate
to let Chance watch boxing.

Why, because he can't bet?

I spotted him.

Chance got into
that fight at school

because he's mimicking the
violence you let him watch on TV.

Okay, hang on a second.

Seeing things on TV doesn't
change a person's behavior.

Quinten watches
"Real Housewives,"

and... oh, bad example.

Even if I didn't watch the show,

I'd still buy Lisa Rinna's ros�.

It is... refreshing.

Dad, we need to
present a united front

when it comes to
Chance's bad behavior.

He's in a really good place
now, thanks to us and Goosey.

How's it honkin', homes?

What the hell is that?

That's Goosey and it is apparently
how we do things around here now.

And you need to embrace this
as a nonviolent household.

Yeah, I do. That's why
I watch boxing on TV

and don't host cage
matches in the garage...

anymore.

Well, Chance is
easily influenced.

And we are not raising a bully,
so no more boxing in this house.

Come on. Aye, wait a minute.
Come on. That's not fair.

There's a big championship fight
coming up; "Lopez versus Lopez".

And I bet money on the
hotter, more famous one.

Too bad.

We're taking that box
back to the cable company.

Okay, wait a minute.
The... the...

the cable company is a
guy named Boxcutter Beto.

You try to take that box back,

you'll find yourself in a
box in the LA River, Mayan.

Still not as difficult
to cancel as Spectrum.

I'm here!

And I'm healed.

Oh, my session with
Dr. Brenda went great.

If Nancy Meyers made a movie about
non-white people, you'd be the star.

Yep; I learned about
boundaries, coping mechanisms,

and that you're the source
of most of my trauma.

I'm sorry, what?

Mm-hmm. Dr. Brenda...

Oh, sorry; My therapist...

she helped me realize

that criticizing the way I raised
you is your way of deflecting

your own shortcomings
as a parent onto me.

Did she really say
"shortcomings"?

She implied it with her eyes.

The point is, my
parenting style worked.

Yours does not. 'Namaste'

You should know, we had a
breakthrough with Chance.

So we're doing just fine without resorting
to any of your manipulation tactics.

Mm, you should know

that Dr. Brenda validated
that I don't manipulate you.

You manipulate me into believing

that my manipulation
is manipulative.

- What?
- Oh, see?

You're doing it again.

Hey, Gordo, what's up?

Oh, Lord.

I don't wanna be
here either, fool.

But I need to tell you
that violence is wrong.

Unless they pay you to do
it. Then it's called sports.

Now, go run. Tell your parents.

Grandpa, you're
better than this.

No, I'm not.

I need you to show your parents that
I'm not a violent influence on you.

So I can get my cable back

and watch two men splatter
a crowd with spit and blood.

You're going about it all wrong.
You could just do what I do.

What do you do?

Any time I get in trouble,

I look all sad and say,

"I'm so sorry.

And it'll never happen again."

Wow, man, you're like Cate
Blanchett in "Titanic."

If it's really bad,

then I throw in a
"I 'lowuv' you."

And make sure it's
"wuv" with a W.

And your parents fall for that?

Yup. Then I do what I want.

- Goose attack!
- Ow!

Ay;

Dad, what happened?

You realized it's finally
time to put that thing on ice?

I was minding my own business
like a regular grandpa,

and your son punched
me in the nuts.

I'm not happy he's still hitting people, but
at least he's doing it in a funny way now.

Whatever. You guys think
you're such great parents.

He told me he fakes
his apologies.

- What?
- Yeah.

That he says, like,
"I'm so sorry,"

and that "I'm never
gonna do it again."

I can't believe
Chance lied to us.

I don't know where he
learned to lie like that,

but it wasn't from
a war hero like me.

Oh, I hate myself
for saying this,

but it's not your
father's fault.

Don't turn me on, 'vieja'.
I'm still healing.

Ay; Dr. Brenda is right.

Here you are blaming everyone in the
world... me, your father, Manny Pacquiao...

instead of holding yourself
accountable for Chance's bad behavior.

That's right. I didn't come back from
the moon to be treated like this. Ay!

If you want Chance to
stop manipulating you,

you have to do what any
good parent would do;

Manipulate him better.

And all she's missing is
a coat made of dalmatians.

I actually think your
parents might be right.

We have to try something
new with Chance,

'cause everything we're doing
right now, it doesn't work.

Then I guess it's time to do the
one thing I said I would never do;

Parent like I was parented.

You're gonna disappear
on him for ten years?

- I meant like my mom.
- Mm.

Yes, that makes more sense.

My daughter doesn't understand.
I'm a child of immigrants.

Emotions were a luxury
we couldn't afford.

We had to save it for funerals.

Oh, my mother, she really knew
how to throw herself at a casket.

I don't care!

You've been talking my
ear off for 40 minutes.

I'm ready to punch
myself in the nuts.

If it makes you feel any better, there's
no one Mayan blames more than me.

Aw. It does.

She also thinks that you're
a bad influence on Chance.

If I were you,
I'd watch my step.

Mayan wasn't afraid to
throw out the cable box.

And unlike you, that actually
brought her pleasure.

I'm not worried.

I'm the sniffing glue that
holds this family together.

Mm, don't be so sure.

She not only let you
back in her life.

She opened her home to you.

So when you don't
respect her boundaries,

it's triggering.

Wow, you learned
a lot in therapy.

- Oh, I didn't go.
- What?

I'm just messing with Mayan

so she doesn't throw that
therapist in my face.

You're worse than
a Disney villain.

You're a 'telenovela' villain.

Hey, buddy!

You know the rules.
No basketball indoors.

Oh, right. My bad.

Look at that. He listened.

Maybe his acting out
was just a phase.

Yeah.

Chance; You broke the lamp. I hoped
to have time to read under someday.

And what did I just say about
basketballs in the house?

You said to go outside.

But Churro pees in here,

and Grandpa says anywhere you
can pee counts as outside.

Well, Grandpa doesn't
make the rules.

- We do.
- I'm so sorry.

And it'll never happen again.

I 'wuv' you.

Okay, good.

- No; Not good.
- Right.

Not good!

Chance; The messiness,
the hitting, the lying,

you're picking it
all up from Grandpa.

Yeah; And having him around has
been a bad influence on you.

But he's a war hero.

He's teaching you
the wrong values.

And because of the way
you've been acting,

Grandpa has to move out.

- What?!
- What?!

I'm afraid we have no choice.

Chance has just been that bad.

So, Dad, please pack up your things
and find somewhere else to live.

No, I like having Grandpa
here. He's my best friend.

And you're my best
friend too, Gordo.

Please don't make him leave.

I promise I'll be good.

Have mercy on us.

I don't have
anywhere else to go!

Okay. Did we take this too far?

'Cause I don't even
like that lamp.

And I was never gonna read.

Okay, we were bluffing.

Grandpa's not going anywhere.

- He's not?
- I'm not?

No.

We just said that to scare
you so you'd act better.

What kind of sick,
twisted mind game is that?

Yours and Mom's.

Oh, yeah, it worked.

No, it doesn't. Nobody feels
good about this situation.

I heard George crying.

And I came to laugh.

Gordo?

Are you okay?

What did you people
do to my grandchild?!

We tried to follow your
advice and parent like you...

which you manipulated
us into doing.

My therapist said_

I called Dr. Brenda, and she
says she's never met you.

Damn it. I thought
I had another week.

Gordo, why don't you go play
some games in the kitchen?

I don't know what we're
supposed to do with Chance.

Well, being a good
parent is tough,

which is why I've avoided it.

I just feel like
we're failing him.

Aw, he's doing what
seven-year-olds do.

Yeah, he's just testing
your boundaries like I do

with you guys or
electric fences.

Listen, don't get a big head,
but you two are good parents.

You didn't let me get
away with anything.

You took away my cable box.

So setting boundaries and
using consequences worked

with our geriatric toddler.

I only wear diapers
when I travel in space.

Ay, get your lies
straight, tonto.

Were you at war or
were you in space?

Both, in a galaxy far, far away.

Ooh, I love that story.

Did he tell you
about Han 'Cholo'?

Come take a seat,
Gordo; Come here.

We're sorry we tricked you.

We made some bad choices.

But so did you.

True.

All that couch queso
gave me the bubble guts.

Look, we want you to grow
up to be a good person.

So that means that when you misbehave,
there has to be a consequence.

Like a cookie?

A real consequence.

Gluten-free cookie.

No.

Your consequence is going
to be apologizing to Mateo

and your grandpa for hitting.

And it's a real apology.

Okay, I can do that.

- And no screens for a week.
- A week?

You mean five
business days, right?

Mayan;

Without his iPad, Chance has
forced me to play 57 games

of Hungry Hungry Hippos. It is...
it is binging, and it's purging,

and I can't take it anymore!

You think that's bad?

Without his cable, my
dad's been talking to me.

Okay. Well, you know what?

The week will be over in...

six and a half days?
- Ugh.

- There you two are.
- No.

We've been looking
for you everywhere.

With all our free
time, we wrote a play!

It's a space opera in nine acts.

We open in the cold
vastness of space.

Dad, you can have
your cable box back!

Chance, you can
have your tablet.

You can have my
ta... you can have

the keys to the Apple Store!

It worked!

I guess we're both
war heroes now.

OOo...

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