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1
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:20,739
DOOR OPENS
2
00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:24,235
SHE SIGHS I'm off now.
3
00:00:24,259 --> 00:00:25,579
OK.
4
00:00:28,459 --> 00:00:30,355
Are you gonna be all
right getting to work?
5
00:00:30,379 --> 00:00:31,709
Yes, don't worry.
6
00:00:32,789 --> 00:00:34,555
I'm not worried. Why
would I be worried?
7
00:00:34,579 --> 00:00:36,165
HE CHUCKLES No reason.
8
00:00:36,189 --> 00:00:38,125
Go. I'm fine.
9
00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:39,789
OK, I'll see you later. Yep.
10
00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:42,869
SHE SIGHS
11
00:00:43,789 --> 00:00:46,139
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
12
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,430
CALENDAR CLICKS
13
00:01:09,579 --> 00:01:12,739
HE BREATHES ANXIOUSLY
14
00:01:15,349 --> 00:01:16,715
DOOR CLOSES
15
00:01:16,739 --> 00:01:18,349
CAT GROWLS
16
00:01:34,019 --> 00:01:36,475
Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.
17
00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:39,276
I'm not... feeling too
great, to be honest.
18
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,915
It must've come on overnight.
19
00:01:41,939 --> 00:01:45,325
Yeah, yeah, I... I
think I better had.
20
00:01:45,349 --> 00:01:48,515
Would you tell Dean
I won't be in today?
21
00:01:48,539 --> 00:01:50,005
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
22
00:01:50,029 --> 00:01:51,099
Bye.
23
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:54,709
MAGPIE CAWS
24
00:01:57,869 --> 00:01:59,505
One, two, three.
25
00:01:59,529 --> 00:02:01,069
Good morning, Mr Magpie.
26
00:02:02,029 --> 00:02:03,659
I'm sorry you're on your own.
27
00:02:04,789 --> 00:02:07,579
So, now I've used up all my
sorrow, nothing bad can happen.
28
00:02:08,869 --> 00:02:10,109
Understand?
29
00:02:11,509 --> 00:02:13,269
MAGPIE CAWS
30
00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:21,685
So, 08081570685
31
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:24,396
is the number to call for today's very
special phone-in. GARETH SIGHS
32
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,325
Hoping to hear from
you this Friday morning,
33
00:02:26,349 --> 00:02:29,485
but it's not any old Friday
morning, it's Friday the 13th!
34
00:02:29,509 --> 00:02:31,845
So, no doubt you're all
taking extra care of yourselves
35
00:02:31,869 --> 00:02:34,325
and you won't end up in A&E,
having driven into a lamppost!
36
00:02:34,349 --> 00:02:37,485
Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna
be just twiddling their thumbs today.
37
00:02:37,509 --> 00:02:39,765
Nothing to do —
Everyone's being so careful.
38
00:02:39,789 --> 00:02:42,835
Well, I hope you get to put your
feet up and have a well-deserved rest.
39
00:02:42,859 --> 00:02:44,605
Here's a song just for you.
40
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:46,565
MUSIC PLAYS
41
00:02:46,589 --> 00:02:48,635
DOORBELL RINGS
42
00:02:48,659 --> 00:02:50,019
Hello?
43
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:57,809
MUSIC STOPS
44
00:02:59,819 --> 00:03:02,300
You've reached the Dermot
O'Leary... PHONE CLATTERS
45
00:03:25,430 --> 00:03:26,645
Oh, hello.
46
00:03:26,669 --> 00:03:28,156
You're in. That's lucky.
47
00:03:28,180 --> 00:03:29,899
I've got a parcel for ya.
48
00:03:31,099 --> 00:03:33,485
Just, er, leave it on
the doorstep, thanks.
49
00:03:33,509 --> 00:03:35,565
Oh, I can't. You've
got to sign for it.
50
00:03:35,589 --> 00:03:38,775
Ugh. Could you come
back later? My wife will be in.
51
00:03:38,799 --> 00:03:41,205
Oh, not really. I've
got a round to do.
52
00:03:41,229 --> 00:03:44,765
Besides, I think it's for
you. Er, Gareth Beckman?
53
00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:46,125
Yes, yes, that's me.
54
00:03:46,149 --> 00:03:49,515
Well, if you can't do it today, it'll
have to go back to the sorting office,
55
00:03:49,539 --> 00:03:52,595
and what with it being Friday,
it'll be stuck there all weekend.
56
00:03:52,619 --> 00:03:54,509
All right. Fine.
57
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,125
Your pen's not working.
Have you got another one?
58
00:04:06,149 --> 00:04:08,156
Oh, no. Sorry, love.
59
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:10,555
We usually have them digital
ones where you use your finger,
60
00:04:10,579 --> 00:04:12,045
but I dropped mine this morning
61
00:04:12,069 --> 00:04:14,635
while I were unwrapping
a Belvita and it broke.
62
00:04:14,659 --> 00:04:16,156
Device, not the Belvita.
63
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,195
Wait there.
64
00:04:18,219 --> 00:04:19,595
Don't come in!
65
00:04:19,619 --> 00:04:20,899
Please.
66
00:04:28,899 --> 00:04:30,659
Not a single bloody pen!
67
00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:33,925
DRAWER JAMS
68
00:04:33,949 --> 00:04:35,125
Ow.
69
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,725
Damn it!
70
00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:39,645
Sorry, I couldn't just
quickly use your loo, could 1?
71
00:04:39,669 --> 00:04:42,685
I literally just told you
not to come in. I'm busting.
72
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:45,925
Dr Mikos says I've got to stay
hydrated cos of my condition,
73
00:04:45,949 --> 00:04:48,875
but I can't just nip behind a
privet like a man does, can I?
74
00:04:48,899 --> 00:04:52,645
Me friend Enid got me one of them
Shewees — you know, where you funnel it...
75
00:04:52,669 --> 00:04:54,235
But me aim was off.
76
00:04:54,259 --> 00:04:57,075
Ruined a good pair of Uggs,
that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no.
77
00:04:57,099 --> 00:05:00,065
I'm not going for a crafty poo if
that's what you think. PHONE RINGS
78
00:05:00,089 --> 00:05:02,709
All right! Look, it's through
there. Just be quick.
79
00:05:06,359 --> 00:05:07,845
Hello?
80
00:05:07,869 --> 00:05:11,725
Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to
point out to Dermot O'Leary
81
00:05:11,749 --> 00:05:14,135
that a study conducted in 1993
82
00:05:14,159 --> 00:05:16,765
by Scanlon, Luben,
Scanlon and Singleton
83
00:05:16,789 --> 00:05:19,156
concluded that the risk
of hospital admission
84
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:23,286
actually goes up by as much
as 52% on Friday the 13th,
85
00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:25,845
so, you know, get your facts
right and stop broadcasting
86
00:05:25,869 --> 00:05:28,406
such irresponsible crap!
87
00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:30,109
Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.
88
00:05:32,739 --> 00:05:34,125
HE SCRIBBLES
89
00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:35,440
MAIL CARRIER KNOCKS Hello?
90
00:05:36,749 --> 00:05:39,286
What's wrong? I can't get out!
91
00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:41,845
What do you mean?
Just unlock the door.
92
00:05:41,869 --> 00:05:43,799
DOOR RATTLES I
can't! The handle's broke.
93
00:05:50,029 --> 00:05:51,515
What have you done to it?
94
00:05:51,539 --> 00:05:54,775
Nothing! It just
came off in me hand.
95
00:05:54,799 --> 00:05:57,805
Could you hurry up, please?
I don't like confined spaces.
96
00:05:57,829 --> 00:06:00,045
I need to get a
screwdriver. Wait there.
97
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,315
I don't have much choice, do 1?
98
00:06:02,339 --> 00:06:03,765
No. Out. CAT MEOWS
99
00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:06,406
Hey, you, get out! I can't!
100
00:06:06,430 --> 00:06:07,509
Not you!
101
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,789
CAT GROWLS
102
00:06:16,819 --> 00:06:18,715
Hello...
103
00:06:18,739 --> 00:06:22,005
Hello. What are you
doing under there?
104
00:06:22,029 --> 00:06:23,156
Hey?
105
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:24,235
CAT HISSES Argh!
106
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,135
Shit!
107
00:06:26,159 --> 00:06:27,589
HE SIGHS
108
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:32,645
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
109
00:06:32,669 --> 00:06:34,296
Hello.
110
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,605
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
111
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,445
Come on!
112
00:06:37,469 --> 00:06:40,060
CAT GROWLS Come on.
113
00:06:41,549 --> 00:06:44,205
Here, come on, where are you?
114
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:45,440
HE MAKES KISSING NOISES
115
00:06:46,699 --> 00:06:48,445
Come on...
116
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:49,525
Hello!
117
00:06:49,549 --> 00:06:50,799
CAT YOWLS
118
00:07:01,269 --> 00:07:02,519
CAT MEOWS
119
00:07:04,029 --> 00:07:05,875
HE SIGHS
120
00:07:05,899 --> 00:07:07,469
OK...
121
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,075
Do you know...
122
00:07:11,099 --> 00:07:16,805
a man came up to me the other
day and said, "Have you seen my cat?
123
00:07:16,829 --> 00:07:18,925
"He's got black fur,
124
00:07:18,949 --> 00:07:21,015
"patchy with mange.
125
00:07:21,039 --> 00:07:23,325
"He's missing his right ear,
126
00:07:23,349 --> 00:07:25,805
"he's blind in one eye,
127
00:07:25,829 --> 00:07:28,245
"and only has three legs
128
00:07:28,269 --> 00:07:31,605
"due to a recent
traffic accident."
129
00:07:31,629 --> 00:07:34,605
I said, "What's his name?"
130
00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:36,725
And the man said...
131
00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:37,775
"Lucky."
132
00:07:37,799 --> 00:07:39,749
WATER SPRAYS FIERCELY
133
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:42,799
CAT MEOWS
134
00:07:51,339 --> 00:07:52,599
WATER TURNS OFF
135
00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:56,605
I'm not being funny,
but I've got library books
136
00:07:56,629 --> 00:07:58,495
that need taking back!
137
00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,875
HE SIGHS
138
00:07:59,899 --> 00:08:02,949
Dr Mikos said there's a
danger of me having a fit.
139
00:08:08,869 --> 00:08:10,799
Oh, for fuck's sake!
140
00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:24,635
Who are you?
141
00:08:24,659 --> 00:08:26,515
Barry Styles, locksmith.
142
00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:29,005
Apparently, you've trapped a
lady in your downstairs toilet.
143
00:08:29,029 --> 00:08:31,205
I didn't trap her. She
went in of her own accord!
144
00:08:31,229 --> 00:08:33,026
I don't need to
know the details, sir.
145
00:08:33,050 --> 00:08:35,755
I just need you to know
it's an £80 call-out fee.
146
00:08:35,779 --> 00:08:37,725
HE SIGHS Get me
out! I can't breathe!
147
00:08:37,749 --> 00:08:39,645
I'm not paying
that. I didn't call you.
148
00:08:39,669 --> 00:08:42,445
I'll pay it! I'll pay
anything. Just get me out!
149
00:08:42,469 --> 00:08:45,215
I was about to get you out. I
just need to get a screwdriver!
150
00:08:45,239 --> 00:08:46,805
Can you move this?
Yeah. Sorry about that.
151
00:08:46,829 --> 00:08:50,005
I have to bring everything in from the
van or it all gets nicked! PHONE RINGS
152
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,485
Kids today! I don't know!
153
00:08:51,509 --> 00:08:53,296
Can you shift it,
please? I can't get by.
154
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,645
One sec.
155
00:08:54,669 --> 00:08:57,135
Hiya, love. Did
you find it all right?
156
00:08:57,159 --> 00:08:59,855
Yeah, I'm at number 9...
157
00:08:59,879 --> 00:09:01,599
HE BREATHES QUICKLY
158
00:09:05,829 --> 00:09:07,885
HE WHIMPERS
159
00:09:07,909 --> 00:09:09,575
I'm getting a bit dizzy!
160
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:10,931
I'm coming! Just...
161
00:09:10,955 --> 00:09:14,069
Ooh, this might set
me fits off! Hold on.
162
00:09:32,148 --> 00:09:35,108
What's going on?
I can hear banging!
163
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,108
Hello!
164
00:09:53,138 --> 00:09:55,418
I've got tinnitus
as well, you know!
165
00:09:57,228 --> 00:09:59,854
Ever since I saw
Whitesnake at the Albert Hall
166
00:09:59,878 --> 00:10:03,964
Huh! I told them the
speakers were too loud!
167
00:10:03,988 --> 00:10:06,045
I wrote them a letter,
168
00:10:06,069 --> 00:10:07,884
but I didn't hear anything back.
169
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,758
Well, apart from my tinnitus.
170
00:10:12,118 --> 00:10:14,958
I'm not paying if I
need syringing again!
171
00:10:19,788 --> 00:10:21,069
Oh, no.
172
00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:32,254
Oh!
173
00:10:32,278 --> 00:10:33,964
THUDDING CLATTERING
174
00:10:33,988 --> 00:10:36,114
Oh, dear me, I'm
sorry about that.
175
00:10:36,138 --> 00:10:37,324
Are you all right?
176
00:10:37,348 --> 00:10:38,834
Yes, I'm fine.
177
00:10:38,858 --> 00:10:41,964
I just want both of you to
leave as soon as possible.
178
00:10:41,988 --> 00:10:43,924
I can't have people
in the house today.
179
00:10:43,948 --> 00:10:46,604
Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub!
180
00:10:46,628 --> 00:10:47,834
Who's this, now?
181
00:10:47,858 --> 00:10:49,804
This is me
granddaughter, Bethany.
182
00:10:49,828 --> 00:10:52,094
I've just gotta look after
her for a couple of hours.
183
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,884
Me daughter—in—law's
got band practice.
184
00:10:53,908 --> 00:10:55,884
Thanks for doing this,
Barry. GARETH GASPS
185
00:10:55,908 --> 00:10:56,934
I won't be long.
186
00:10:56,958 --> 00:10:58,764
I'll leave her bag with you.
187
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,084
Oh, hello!
188
00:11:00,108 --> 00:11:02,394
Are you the fella that's
locked a woman in his toilet?
189
00:11:02,418 --> 00:11:04,004
Yes, he is! No, I'm not.
190
00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:06,014
Well, Bethany
will be no trouble.
191
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,014
It's just we've got
a special gig today
192
00:11:08,038 --> 00:11:10,045
and we need to work
on My Ding—a-Ling.
193
00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,764
Can I ask you to
step outside, please?
194
00:11:11,788 --> 00:11:13,654
One second. I've got
to sort her lunch box.
195
00:11:13,678 --> 00:11:15,684
I can't have those
in here! Those what?
196
00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:17,764
Peacock feathers.
Are you allergic?
197
00:11:17,788 --> 00:11:19,684
Yes, to the evil eye, and
you're covered in them
198
00:11:19,708 --> 00:11:20,964
and they're incredibly bad luck!
199
00:11:20,988 --> 00:11:23,124
Don't say that. They're lovely.
200
00:11:23,148 --> 00:11:24,404
Look, feel them.
201
00:11:24,428 --> 00:11:27,374
Urgh, get them away from
me! Get out! Get out, get out!
202
00:11:27,398 --> 00:11:30,374
Hey, hey, come on, now.
There's no need for that!
203
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,804
It's all right, Barry.
204
00:11:31,828 --> 00:11:33,834
Now, you be a
good girl for Grandad
205
00:11:33,858 --> 00:11:35,724
and Mummy will see you later.
206
00:11:35,748 --> 00:11:37,934
Is there any chance I could
nip to your upstairs loo?
207
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,194
Definitely not. Why?
208
00:11:39,218 --> 00:11:40,684
Because we can't
cross on the stairs.
209
00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:43,324
Someone obviously got out of the
wrong side of the bed this morning.
210
00:11:43,348 --> 00:11:45,684
Don't say that. I'll have
to dust off my Shewee.
211
00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:47,244
See you later, darling.
212
00:11:47,268 --> 00:11:50,244
Come on, then, let's do a
nice picture in the kitchen.
213
00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:52,084
Yes, make yourself at
home, why don't you?!
214
00:11:52,108 --> 00:11:54,014
Have you got that
screwdriver yet?
215
00:11:54,038 --> 00:11:55,788
I'm getting it, I'm getting it!
216
00:11:57,069 --> 00:11:59,124
I don't know if you
want to hear this now,
217
00:11:59,148 --> 00:12:01,764
but your flush is
broken, by the way.
218
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,334
Yes, of course it is! What
with that and the lock,
219
00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:06,974
well, they say bad
luck comes in threes.
220
00:12:06,998 --> 00:12:08,588
What's number two?
221
00:12:10,238 --> 00:12:12,934
Your flush is
broken, by the way.
222
00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:14,438
Unbelievable.
223
00:12:15,558 --> 00:12:17,175
Thanking you, sir!
224
00:12:17,199 --> 00:12:20,228
Right, let's establish
what we're looking at here.
225
00:12:22,038 --> 00:12:24,484
Excuse me, where are your...?
226
00:12:24,508 --> 00:12:25,934
Oh, no!
227
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,764
You can't put
shoes on the table!
228
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:29,654
It's all right.
They're brand-new!
229
00:12:29,678 --> 00:12:31,014
Well, that's even worse!
230
00:12:31,038 --> 00:12:32,588
Stop! Stop!
231
00:12:33,788 --> 00:12:36,295
It wards off evil spirits.
232
00:12:36,319 --> 00:12:38,324
GARETH CRIES OUT CAT YOWLS Argh!
233
00:12:38,348 --> 00:12:40,398
THUDDING BETHANY LAUGHS
234
00:12:43,228 --> 00:12:44,684
Is everything OK, sir?
235
00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:45,964
Please, just be quick.
236
00:12:45,988 --> 00:12:48,014
Yes, hurry up! DOOR KNOB RATTLES
237
00:12:48,038 --> 00:12:50,484
Yeah, all right, madam.
Can you not do that, please?
238
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:51,554
You're jiggling the mechanism
239
00:12:51,578 --> 00:12:54,118
and making my life
even more difficult.
240
00:12:55,148 --> 00:12:57,844
May I ask how the lady came
to be inside the bathroom, sir?
241
00:12:57,868 --> 00:13:00,295
She wanted a pee. What else
would she be doing in there?
242
00:13:00,319 --> 00:13:04,045
Well, you tell me. I don't
want any more nasty surprises.
243
00:13:04,069 --> 00:13:06,004
Well, there might be one.
244
00:13:06,028 --> 00:13:08,324
Especially now there's
a child on the premises.
245
00:13:08,348 --> 00:13:11,734
Yes, a child you brought
here. I didn't ask for any of this!
246
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,204
Here we go! WOOD SPLINTERS
247
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,534
Oh, finally!
248
00:13:15,558 --> 00:13:17,604
WOMAN GASPS Oh, my God!
249
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,925
Oh, thank you!
250
00:13:18,949 --> 00:13:20,925
Deep breaths. You're all right.
251
00:13:20,949 --> 00:13:22,694
Now, just for my
own peace of mind,
252
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:24,764
you went in there of
your own free will, yes?
253
00:13:24,788 --> 00:13:26,045
The gentleman didn't force ya?
254
00:13:26,069 --> 00:13:28,564
Cos I do know the
words for a citizen's arrest.
255
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:29,604
What?
256
00:13:29,628 --> 00:13:31,194
Oh, the room's spinning.
257
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:34,434
I think I'm gonna be
sick! SHE RETCHES
258
00:13:34,458 --> 00:13:36,704
Yeah, the internal
mechanism's buggered,
259
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,634
by the look of things. Heh.
260
00:13:38,658 --> 00:13:41,224
It'll be £150 for
a new tailpiece,
261
00:13:41,248 --> 00:13:43,564
plus labour, of
course... Of course.
262
00:13:43,588 --> 00:13:45,454
I might've been
able to salvage it,
263
00:13:45,478 --> 00:13:48,204
but she's been hacking
away at it with this screw,
264
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,274
by the look of things.
265
00:13:49,298 --> 00:13:51,334
WOMAN COUGHS
Where did you get...?
266
00:13:51,358 --> 00:13:54,604
TENSE STRINGS
CRESCENDO Oh, my God!
267
00:13:54,628 --> 00:13:57,038
Help me! Don't let it drop.
268
00:13:58,008 --> 00:13:59,614
Can you... Can
you put it back in?
269
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:01,488
It'll cost ya. Just do it!
270
00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:04,694
I don't need any
more bad luck today.
271
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:07,055
DOOR CLICKS BETHANY GIGGLES
272
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:10,798
OMINOUS STRINGS PLAY
273
00:14:17,228 --> 00:14:20,854
Imagine you're on a beach...
WOMAN EXHALES DEEPLY
274
00:14:20,878 --> 00:14:24,214
You're looking out at
a wide open horizon.
275
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:28,598
BREATHES DEEPLY You can
feel the cool breeze on your face.
276
00:14:31,598 --> 00:14:35,055
THEY MOUTH SILENTLY
277
00:14:35,079 --> 00:14:37,844
GARETH BLOWS
278
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:39,384
Can you feel it?
279
00:14:39,408 --> 00:14:40,568
Yes.
280
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:45,055
There's not another
soul for miles around...
281
00:14:45,079 --> 00:14:48,454
the waves are lapping,
the sun's shining...
282
00:14:48,478 --> 00:14:50,414
Oh, have I got sunblock
on? I burn easily.
283
00:14:50,438 --> 00:14:51,454
Yeah, yeah, you do.
284
00:14:51,478 --> 00:14:53,204
You put it on
earlier. Factor 20.
285
00:14:53,228 --> 00:14:55,574
Only 207 Sorry, 50.
286
00:14:55,598 --> 00:14:57,185
I've not got me glasses on.
287
00:14:57,209 --> 00:15:01,045
Just think about
how calm you are.
288
00:15:01,069 --> 00:15:03,069
Not a care in the world.
289
00:15:04,398 --> 00:15:06,814
Oh, it smells of
coffee, this breeze.
290
00:15:06,838 --> 00:15:07,844
It stinks.
291
00:15:07,868 --> 00:15:09,925
Look, this is
ridiculous! I'm sorry!
292
00:15:09,949 --> 00:15:12,404
There's a toddler out there. God
knows what she's getting up to!
293
00:15:12,428 --> 00:15:14,915
Me daughter—in—law's
on her way over, I told ya.
294
00:15:14,939 --> 00:15:17,284
Bethany's a good girl. She
won't get up to any mischief.
295
00:15:17,308 --> 00:15:19,484
I should never have answered
the door, today of all days.
296
00:15:19,508 --> 00:15:21,094
I knew it as well! I knew it!
297
00:15:21,118 --> 00:15:23,925
You don't believe in all that
Friday the 13th stuff, do you?
298
00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:26,175
Yes, of course I do!
Look where I've ended up -
299
00:15:26,199 --> 00:15:28,564
trapped in a
toilet with you two.
300
00:15:28,588 --> 00:15:31,684
But that's got nothing
to do with the date.
301
00:15:31,708 --> 00:15:33,384
It's just circumstance.
302
00:15:33,408 --> 00:15:35,175
Oh, so says Mr
Shoes On The Table!
303
00:15:35,199 --> 00:15:36,544
You're inviting bad luck.
304
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:37,744
From who, though?
305
00:15:37,768 --> 00:15:41,364
The universe! I opened the
door and, boom, utter chaos!
306
00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:44,254
That's a very negative attitude,
if you don't mind me saying.
307
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:45,494
Tell that to Jesus,
308
00:15:45,518 --> 00:15:47,294
crucified on
so-called Good Friday,
309
00:15:47,318 --> 00:15:49,414
after the Last Supper
where there were 13 guests.
310
00:15:49,438 --> 00:15:51,614
I didn't know they had
Fridays in them days.
311
00:15:51,638 --> 00:15:52,814
Of course they did!
312
00:15:52,838 --> 00:15:55,134
Chaucer talks about
it in the Middle Ages!
313
00:15:55,158 --> 00:15:57,214
"And on a Friday
fell all his mischance."
314
00:15:57,238 --> 00:15:59,294
The Knights
Templar were tortured
315
00:15:59,318 --> 00:16:02,704
by King Philip IV of France
on Friday the 13th 1307.
316
00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:04,774
Public hangings
happened on a Friday.
317
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,854
And there were 13
steps up to the gallows.
318
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:09,544
And what about all them kids
that got chopped up by a madman
319
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,614
at that lake in
America? That was...
320
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:12,694
Friday the 13th.
321
00:16:12,718 --> 00:16:15,079
Yeah. They made a film about it.
322
00:16:16,128 --> 00:16:19,134
There's lots of good things
happen on a Friday too, though.
323
00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:21,104
The end of the working
week, fish and chips...
324
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:23,264
I bought my big
telly on Black Friday.
325
00:16:23,288 --> 00:16:25,494
Mind you, it was half the
bloody price a month later.
326
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,974
It's swings and
roundabouts, in't it?
327
00:16:26,998 --> 00:16:28,414
You've pepped
up all of a sudden.
328
00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:30,904
What happened to
your claustrophobia?
329
00:16:30,928 --> 00:16:32,494
It's being on this lovely beach.
330
00:16:32,518 --> 00:16:35,925
Hmm. Just makes
me feel so relaxed.
331
00:16:35,949 --> 00:16:37,684
What time is it, by the way?
332
00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:39,774
Er...
333
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:41,974
Ooh, I dunno. My
watch has stopped.
334
00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:44,334
Oh, no... 13 minutes past.
335
00:16:44,358 --> 00:16:45,758
Right, that's it!
336
00:16:47,168 --> 00:16:49,214
GARETH PANTS
337
00:16:49,238 --> 00:16:51,368
BETHANY GIGGLES
338
00:16:57,758 --> 00:17:00,014
Dana, what...?
339
00:17:00,038 --> 00:17:01,494
What are you doing here?
340
00:17:01,518 --> 00:17:02,925
Is everything OK?
341
00:17:02,949 --> 00:17:04,104
Are you OK?
342
00:17:04,128 --> 00:17:06,454
It's fine. I'm fine.
343
00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:07,694
Why didn't you let us out?
344
00:17:07,718 --> 00:17:09,764
And who...? Who's this?
345
00:17:09,788 --> 00:17:12,254
Dr Marcel Rogers.
346
00:17:12,278 --> 00:17:16,195
Your wife asked me to
prepare this treatment for you.
347
00:17:16,219 --> 00:17:17,854
Treatment?
348
00:17:17,878 --> 00:17:19,374
What do you mean?
349
00:17:19,398 --> 00:17:22,055
I didn't know what else to do.
350
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:23,864
Allow me to
introduce my friends,
351
00:17:23,888 --> 00:17:25,494
Sue and Johnny Robbins,
352
00:17:25,518 --> 00:17:28,414
from the Little Marlow
Amateur Dramatics Society.
353
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:30,318
At your service!
354
00:17:33,358 --> 00:17:35,464
The magic of theatre.
355
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:38,264
And let's not forget
our juve lead, Shelley.
356
00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:41,574
Come on in. No
need to be ashamed.
357
00:17:41,598 --> 00:17:43,894
Such a pleasure
working with you.
358
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:46,774
They kindly took time out of
rehearsing Half A Sixpence
359
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:48,464
to be here today.
360
00:17:48,488 --> 00:17:50,774
I do hope we gave
you what you wanted.
361
00:17:50,798 --> 00:17:53,544
The reviews are in and you
were excellent, dear, as always.
362
00:17:53,568 --> 00:17:56,334
Oh, you know I don't
read reviews, darling!
363
00:17:56,358 --> 00:17:58,814
Dana, what... what is all this?
364
00:17:58,838 --> 00:18:02,084
I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers
said it was the only thing that would work.
365
00:18:02,108 --> 00:18:06,544
Exposure therapy, or
exposure in vivo, as we call it...
366
00:18:06,568 --> 00:18:08,724
Putting you, Mr
Beckman, in direct contact
367
00:18:08,748 --> 00:18:11,084
with your greatest fears.
368
00:18:11,108 --> 00:18:15,564
Your wife explained to me that
your paraskevidekatriaphobia
369
00:18:15,588 --> 00:18:17,574
was becoming unmanageable.
370
00:18:17,598 --> 00:18:19,134
My what?
371
00:18:19,158 --> 00:18:21,774
Paraskevidekatriaphobia.
372
00:18:21,798 --> 00:18:24,624
It's a fear of Friday the 13th.
373
00:18:24,648 --> 00:18:26,724
Puts me in mind of
the Gilbert and Sullivan
374
00:18:26,748 --> 00:18:28,264
we did last year.
375
00:18:28,288 --> 00:18:31,214
♪ I am the very model of a
paraskevidekatriaphobiac! ♪
376
00:18:31,238 --> 00:18:33,544
THEY LAUGH
377
00:18:33,568 --> 00:18:36,414
So... what, you've all
just been tricking me?
378
00:18:36,438 --> 00:18:39,175
To... To what end?
To give me a stroke?
379
00:18:39,199 --> 00:18:41,204
I appreciate that the experience
380
00:18:41,228 --> 00:18:44,214
is very anxiety—inducing,
Mr Beckman,
381
00:18:44,238 --> 00:18:46,444
but you needed to stay in
the situation long enough
382
00:18:46,468 --> 00:18:50,094
for your irrational
fear to subside.
383
00:18:50,118 --> 00:18:51,774
For that, we needed to create
384
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,984
a fully realised
worst—case scenario,
385
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:58,344
hence the arrival of
your unwanted guests.
386
00:18:58,368 --> 00:19:01,094
I just loved all that
improv on the doorstep.
387
00:19:01,118 --> 00:19:03,734
I mean, Belvita — Where
did that come from?
388
00:19:03,758 --> 00:19:06,454
It was magnificent!
So, so funny.
389
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,264
Oh, bless you.
390
00:19:08,288 --> 00:19:10,704
But it was the teeth, I
think, and the accent.
391
00:19:10,728 --> 00:19:13,424
Funnily enough, we both
just read them as Northern.
392
00:19:13,448 --> 00:19:16,424
She was exactly the same
in last year's Ayckbourn.
393
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,624
Well, maybe not
exactly the same,
394
00:19:18,648 --> 00:19:20,134
but thank you, darling.
395
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:22,815
And Johnny here went
all Method, of course.
396
00:19:22,839 --> 00:19:25,334
We had tools out all
over the living room.
397
00:19:25,358 --> 00:19:27,644
Mm, I read a very
interesting article in the Mail
398
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,214
about Cumberbatch and
I thought that was the way
399
00:19:30,238 --> 00:19:32,854
to go with Barry Styles.
400
00:19:32,878 --> 00:19:35,374
But I shall miss
him, that's for sure.
401
00:19:35,398 --> 00:19:36,854
What the fuck are
you talking about?
402
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,364
Gareth!
403
00:19:38,388 --> 00:19:39,904
Who is THIS?!
404
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,334
Where did you get
her? Sylvia Young?
405
00:19:42,358 --> 00:19:45,904
No, but she is on the
waiting list. My granddaughter,
406
00:19:45,928 --> 00:19:47,984
who did a wonderful
performance, I thought.
407
00:19:48,008 --> 00:19:51,374
Absolutely. Bravo! APPLAUSE
408
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,504
She will make a first-class
Rosalind when she's older.
409
00:19:53,528 --> 00:19:55,945
I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!
410
00:19:55,969 --> 00:19:57,945
You're all talking like
what I'm saying is irrational,
411
00:19:57,969 --> 00:20:00,454
but it isn't! As I just
explained in there!
412
00:20:00,478 --> 00:20:02,065
That was a lovely
scene, by the way.
413
00:20:02,089 --> 00:20:03,544
It wasn't a scene. It was real!
414
00:20:03,568 --> 00:20:06,424
I was explaining the real world
history of this phenomenon.
415
00:20:06,448 --> 00:20:08,294
What phenomenon?
416
00:20:08,318 --> 00:20:09,815
Er, bad luck!
417
00:20:09,839 --> 00:20:12,214
It's not luck, though, Gareth!
418
00:20:12,238 --> 00:20:13,734
You avoid walking under a ladder
419
00:20:13,758 --> 00:20:15,974
because something
might fall on your head.
420
00:20:15,998 --> 00:20:18,724
You won't put shoes on the table
because you're gonna eat off it.
421
00:20:18,748 --> 00:20:20,925
Actors don't like
saying "Macbeth"
422
00:20:20,949 --> 00:20:24,214
because there are sword fights in
it and people get genuinely injured!
423
00:20:24,238 --> 00:20:27,118
Oh, no, she mentioned
the Scottish play!
424
00:20:28,718 --> 00:20:31,104
BOTH SPIT BOTH: Piss pots!
425
00:20:31,128 --> 00:20:33,384
BOTH CHUCKLE
426
00:20:33,408 --> 00:20:36,065
And you think I'M the one
that needs fucking therapy?
427
00:20:36,089 --> 00:20:38,574
That'll be our cue
for the interval.
428
00:20:38,598 --> 00:20:40,634
Shall we? Come on, Bethany.
429
00:20:40,658 --> 00:20:42,294
There's some lovely
cake waiting for you
430
00:20:42,318 --> 00:20:43,648
in the green room.
431
00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:51,969
Perhaps you ought to tell me
what's really going on here, Gareth.
432
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,704
What do you mean?
433
00:20:54,728 --> 00:20:58,398
Your wife tells me there
was an inciting incident.
434
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:04,168
Can you tell me about
October 13th 19787
435
00:21:05,358 --> 00:21:07,959
I believe it was a Friday.
436
00:21:09,829 --> 00:21:11,864
GARETH SIGHS
437
00:21:11,888 --> 00:21:13,284
How could you?
438
00:21:13,308 --> 00:21:15,724
I had to.
439
00:21:15,748 --> 00:21:18,384
It's taking over our lives.
440
00:21:18,408 --> 00:21:20,144
Every Friday the 13th,
441
00:21:20,168 --> 00:21:21,815
three times a year,
442
00:21:21,839 --> 00:21:23,264
you are obsessed!
443
00:21:23,288 --> 00:21:24,704
I'm not obsessed.
444
00:21:24,728 --> 00:21:26,984
And it's not three times
a year. It's twice this year,
445
00:21:27,008 --> 00:21:29,144
twice next year and one
time the year after that.
446
00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:31,808
Why don't you tell
me what happened?
447
00:21:37,808 --> 00:21:40,558
You were on a
school trip to France...
448
00:21:42,959 --> 00:21:45,089
skiing in Le Corbier.
449
00:21:47,808 --> 00:21:50,574
But on that Friday morning
you had a stomach-ache
450
00:21:50,598 --> 00:21:52,518
and you didn't want to go.
451
00:21:53,959 --> 00:21:56,864
So you watched as all your
classmates got on that coach
452
00:21:56,888 --> 00:21:58,224
and drove away.
453
00:21:58,248 --> 00:22:00,734
CHILDREN CHATTERING ECHOES
454
00:22:00,758 --> 00:22:03,494
That was the last
you saw of them.
455
00:22:03,518 --> 00:22:07,024
The coach skidded on
black ice. TYRES SCREECH
456
00:22:07,048 --> 00:22:09,488
FLAMES WHOOSH
And it came off the road.
457
00:22:13,008 --> 00:22:15,344
All of them died.
458
00:22:15,368 --> 00:22:16,608
Except you.
459
00:22:17,918 --> 00:22:19,304
Survivor's guilt
460
00:22:19,328 --> 00:22:21,534
and its association
with that date
461
00:22:21,558 --> 00:22:24,758
has blighted you ever since.
462
00:22:26,558 --> 00:22:30,654
It's time for you to
confront your fears, Gareth,
463
00:22:30,678 --> 00:22:32,328
and put an end to it.
464
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:36,728
We want you to smash the mirror.
465
00:22:38,518 --> 00:22:40,758
GARETH SCOFFS What? No.
466
00:22:42,918 --> 00:22:45,014
Break it.
467
00:22:45,038 --> 00:22:46,248
Break it.
468
00:22:47,448 --> 00:22:49,128
I can't.
469
00:22:50,918 --> 00:22:55,374
Friday the 13th
is just another day,
470
00:22:55,398 --> 00:22:59,815
a day when something
terrible happened in 1978
471
00:22:59,839 --> 00:23:02,014
that wasn't your fault.
472
00:23:02,038 --> 00:23:05,959
SLOW HARP NOTES PLAY
STRINGS PLAY QUIETLY
473
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:15,614
Seven years' bad luck.
474
00:23:15,638 --> 00:23:17,784
Break the mirror, Gareth!
475
00:23:17,808 --> 00:23:19,815
And set yourself free.
476
00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:22,528
DISCORDANT STRINGS BUILD
477
00:23:27,328 --> 00:23:28,488
I'm sorry.
478
00:23:30,969 --> 00:23:33,888
GLASS SHATTERS
HORN BLARING ECHOES
479
00:23:34,918 --> 00:23:37,864
CHILDREN SCREAMING ECHOES
480
00:23:37,888 --> 00:23:40,728
TYRES SCREECH FLAMES WHOOSH
481
00:23:42,248 --> 00:23:44,558
HORN STOPS
482
00:23:48,808 --> 00:23:50,974
Well done.
483
00:23:50,998 --> 00:23:54,224
DOORBELL CHIMES What now?
484
00:23:54,248 --> 00:23:55,408
I don't know.
485
00:23:56,688 --> 00:24:00,024
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
486
00:24:00,048 --> 00:24:02,254
DANA SHRIEKS Oh, my God!
487
00:24:02,278 --> 00:24:04,704
LAUGHTER DERMOT: Hey, everybody!
488
00:24:04,728 --> 00:24:06,815
Wow, this is quite the
party we're gate-crashing.
489
00:24:06,839 --> 00:24:08,534
Hello, but which one's Gareth?
490
00:24:08,558 --> 00:24:09,784
There he is.
491
00:24:09,808 --> 00:24:11,935
Hey, big guy!
492
00:24:11,959 --> 00:24:13,964
Congratulations, big guy!
493
00:24:13,988 --> 00:24:16,144
So, Gareth, you are
our millionth caller
494
00:24:16,168 --> 00:24:18,734
on the radio today, which
means you have banked yourself
495
00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:21,144
a whopping £130,000. DANA GASPS
496
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:22,935
The big 1-3! There we go!
497
00:24:22,959 --> 00:24:25,334
WHOOPING Hey, come on!
498
00:24:25,358 --> 00:24:28,815
APPLAUSE Woohoo!
You are a lucky man.
499
00:24:28,839 --> 00:24:32,104
Thank you. Er... Is
this really happening?
500
00:24:32,128 --> 00:24:34,334
It most certainly is,
my friend. Well done.
501
00:24:34,358 --> 00:24:36,075
Can I just say, Dec,
502
00:24:36,099 --> 00:24:38,825
if you and Ant want tickets to
come and see Half A Sixpence,
503
00:24:38,849 --> 00:24:42,065
I'm pretty sure I can arrange a
couple of house seats for you.
504
00:24:42,089 --> 00:24:46,094
You'd be most welcome to come
and see if we've got the X factor!
505
00:24:46,118 --> 00:24:48,334
Thank you so much. Just leave
your details with my producer.
506
00:24:48,358 --> 00:24:51,239
I'd love to come. I just
love you both. Thank you.
507
00:24:51,263 --> 00:24:52,810
So, Gareth, what we'd love to do
508
00:24:52,834 --> 00:24:55,089
is do a little interview with
you, pre-recorded interview...
509
00:24:55,113 --> 00:24:56,769
..to play out on
the radio tomorrow
510
00:24:56,793 --> 00:24:58,913
before the big announcement.
How does that sound?
511
00:25:00,713 --> 00:25:02,113
I'd love to.
512
00:25:08,883 --> 00:25:10,983
GARETH GASPS
513
00:25:14,523 --> 00:25:16,879
Oh, no.
514
00:25:16,903 --> 00:25:18,993
DOOR OPENS I'm off now.
515
00:25:20,263 --> 00:25:21,543
OK.
516
00:25:22,704 --> 00:25:24,209
What's wrong?
517
00:25:24,233 --> 00:25:26,779
I thought I'd fixed everything.
518
00:25:26,803 --> 00:25:28,393
I thought I was cured, but...
519
00:25:29,793 --> 00:25:31,954
it turns out it was all a dream.
520
00:25:33,543 --> 00:25:35,343
What are you talking
about, "dream"?
521
00:25:37,873 --> 00:25:39,959
DANA CHUCKLES
522
00:25:39,983 --> 00:25:43,359
Aw, no, that's because
it's Saturday, you idiot.
523
00:25:43,383 --> 00:25:45,239
You just haven't
turned it round yet. See?
524
00:25:45,263 --> 00:25:46,303
Here.
525
00:25:50,313 --> 00:25:53,129
So, Dermot O'Leary...
526
00:25:53,153 --> 00:25:55,779
that all actually happened?
527
00:25:55,803 --> 00:25:57,299
Yes!
528
00:25:57,323 --> 00:25:59,729
Bloody Dermot bloody
O'Leary in our front room.
529
00:25:59,753 --> 00:26:02,449
I nearly died of shock.
530
00:26:02,473 --> 00:26:03,859
You'd better come down.
531
00:26:03,883 --> 00:26:06,169
Your interview's
gonna be on in a minute.
532
00:26:06,193 --> 00:26:07,323
Mwah!
533
00:26:16,883 --> 00:26:19,139
Right, so I'm meeting
Paula for breakfast.
534
00:26:19,163 --> 00:26:20,849
I'm gonna listen to you later.
535
00:26:20,873 --> 00:26:23,399
Oh, you should open this.
536
00:26:23,423 --> 00:26:24,529
What is it?
537
00:26:24,553 --> 00:26:26,603
It's the package from
yesterday. Open it.
538
00:26:44,593 --> 00:26:47,313
One last test, just to be sure.
539
00:26:48,704 --> 00:26:50,793
GARETH LAUGHS UNEASILY
540
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:04,049
DANA LAUGHS GARETH JOINS IN
541
00:27:04,073 --> 00:27:07,940
Well done, darling.
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
542
00:27:07,964 --> 00:27:09,690
I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.
543
00:27:09,714 --> 00:27:11,403
Enjoy your interview. Yeah.
544
00:27:13,063 --> 00:27:15,369
Coming up, I chat to
our one millionth caller,
545
00:27:15,393 --> 00:27:19,219
who, yesterday, won
an incredible £130,000
546
00:27:19,243 --> 00:27:20,449
on Friday the 13th!
547
00:27:20,473 --> 00:27:21,940
We'll be hearing from him
548
00:27:21,964 --> 00:27:25,329
and what it feels like to
be so unbelievably lucky.
549
00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,930
Speaking of which, here's Kylie. MUSIC:
I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue
550
00:27:27,954 --> 00:27:29,969
TYRES SCREECH
THUDDING ♪ In my imagination
551
00:27:29,993 --> 00:27:31,810
♪ There is no complication
552
00:27:31,834 --> 00:27:35,033
♪ I dream about you all the time
553
00:27:36,063 --> 00:27:38,119
♪ I should be so lucky... ♪
554
00:27:38,143 --> 00:27:40,043
SONG CONTINUES
555
00:28:00,233 --> 00:28:03,263
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
556
00:28:03,313 --> 00:28:07,863
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40153
Can't find what you're looking for?
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