Original subtitles

♪

Jeff: We're all seekers, right?

I mean, that's why we got involved

in this crazy thing in the first place.

We're all looking for that next frontier.

For some, it's California, for others, it's this colony.

And, hey, for a few? It's something beyond.

Wait, we're not talking about Jupiter here, are we?

[ Laughs ] "Jupiters-lee" doesn't have

quite the same ring to it. [ Laughs ]

When I stop and actually think

about what we've accomplished in the past 30 years,

it's just like... [Imitates explosion]

That being said, none of this could've happened

without the enormous sacrifices of these rock stars.

♪

Uh, how do we make this... less?

I can speed it up.

It's more of a symbolic list, right?

[ Cell phone rings ]

Yes, what is it?

You're fucking kidding me.

What kind of equipment?

God Jesus fuck!

[ Thunder crashes ]

Darren: I mean, who you got watching the store down here,

Geordi La-fucking-Forge?

It's not like this stuff just walked itself out of here.

[ Cell phone ringtone ]

Ah, shit.

Brando! [Chuckles] That's so weird!

I was just trying to call you.

Hey, Dare, just got off the phone

with our security chief,

who said you put some lunatic named

Trevor Sullivan in charge of the investigation.

He also said a bunch of new equipment was stolen overnight.

What? No, no it's fine.

I'm actually here with one of our guys and,

truth be told, my money's on a miscount.

Some bad bookkeeping. My money's on you

ignoring my very clear instructions to you.

And now?

We have the makings of a fucking coup on our hands.

Well, I don't-- I don't know if this rises to the--

Dare. Dare? to the point of it being a--

Dare. something to, uh--

Dare, bud, it's over, okay?

You were charged with managing a problem,

and that problem has escalated

into a colossal fucking liability.

It's over. Time to punch out.

[ Sighs ] Will do, boss.

Listen, truth be told, I think we both know

I never really had the belly for this security stuff.

Better to mosey on back to the desk

and focus on the big picture.

Business. Commerce. Ideas--

No, Dare. Let me be clear.

You are being let go. Wait, wh-what?

And tell that grease monkey Sullivan to stand down!

Wait, wait, Brandon, Brandon!

Ah, shit.

Hey! Where the fuck is Trevor Sullivan?

♪

[ Rats squeaking ]

♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes ♪

♪ The pipes are callin' ♪

♪ From glen to fuckin'... ♪

Uh-oh!

[ Whirring ]

Please, oh, please, please something to eat.

Please.

[ Whirring ]

[ Rats squeaking ]

♪

Stand down, men.

Today I cannot give you food, but I can give you honor.

Aah! Ow!

Dah!

♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Whirring ]

Oh, no. Oh!

Ay!

Jesus these rats-- will you listen to those things?

Better hit the switch.

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Machinery whirring ]

♪

[ Grunts ]

♪

[ Grunting ]

♪

[ Shouting ]

[ Grunting ]

God-- [ Clears throat ]

Metal-legged freak thinks he got rid of me.

The party ain't fucking over yet.

[ Cartoon music plays ]

I understand you "had a fright,"

Hubert, but I think it's time to leave.

Fright?! Dear girl.

Like it or not, I was almost murdered!

Hubert, I shouldn't have to explain this.

None of us can risk being seen together.

You need to leave my fucking apartment.

She said, menacingly, to her injured comrade in need of aid.

[ Knock on door ]

♪

Who's checking password? You're going to just let me in?

Leaves!

My adrenals are shot and you bring me roughage?

I will not stand for this!

[ Grunting ]

Ah...

♪

Oh... no...

Oh...

fuck...

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

...me!

Ohh.

♪

[ Groaning ]

♪

Fuck!

♪

[ Chuckles ]

♪

Heh heh, whoa!

Is something funny?

Uh, I don't-- What's your name?

Greg? You're fucking fired, Greg.

Is that funny? Uh...

[ Mocking ] Uh... Uh...

Uh, uh, uh.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

Good morning, big boy.

Get the fuck out of my chair.

You know it's against IT security protocol

to leave passwords out.

Oh, Mary! Wh-- Is that rat piss?

But in this case, it was for the best.

I took a little tour around the personnel database.

Turns out there's exactly one metal-legged

fat fucking terrorist up here.

[ Scoffs ] Hubert Danielson?

Founder of the Wine and Roses society is the terrorist?

Correctamundo.

What's he terrorizing, the God damn pastry case?

O-Okay, please, you got to stop.

I'm getting the pus out of my lungs.

We got to fuckin' get this guy.

[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]

Let me break something down to you.

You are a fuck up, okay?

With a fucked-up life.

And now you fucked my life up.

So here's what I need you to do.

Get your ugly fucking alcoholic face out of here

and crawl back into whatever pissed-soaked corner

of the colony you came out of, okay?

Okay. Bye-bye.

It sounds like maybe you want to let

these terrorist fucks win.

Almost like you might be one of them yourself.

Matter of fact...

maybe I should kill you right now.

Whoa, whoa! Okay, all right.

Right, um, yeah, no, l-let's go get Hubert.

♪

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sniffs ]

♪

[ Door opens, radio chatter ]

All right, Sullivan, let's make this nice and easy.

You son of a bitch, you set me up.

♪

Aah!

[ Coughing ]

♪

Okay, bozos. You got me.

Now you just got to bring me in.

♪

[ Laughing ]

Okay. I'm done.

What is password?

The directive was to stop stealing things.

The hell's going on with you people?

No idea what you're talking about.

I've just been here babysitting the dumb-dumb twins all day.

There's reports of more missing equipment,

this time from the hangar.

All this on top of Marsibration?

Marsiversary.

Marsiversary!

Apparently some guards searched Hubert's quarters.

They are on our trail. Are you kidding me?

That fiendish minuteman is hunting me again!

Oh, Hosanna on high!

We need a better hiding place for Hubert.

Di Wei, you seem to have plenty of free time.

Can you find a place for him on your farm?

No space! It's very full.

So many radish this harvest.

No more room for Hubert. I'm sorry!

That wasn't a request, it's a God damn order!

I've been sitting on this board for over two decades.

That includes the Magellan disaster,

the Jeremy Fagen incident, and a whole host of other messes.

For the first time, Brandon, I'm legitimately worried.

I mean, what is going on here?

Locusts? Expensive assets going missing?

Mole people? Susan, Susan.

Do these mole people have firearms?

Susan! There are no mole people,

there are no mole people with firearms.

All the missing equipment is accounted for.

And the locusts, as I've repeatedly explained,

were a part of the experimental food program.

Uh, really, the only thing we need to worry about

is whether tomorrow's event is going to be too amazing, right?

Hey, I need some water.

Can I get a fucking water, please?

♪

Slower, you hayseed!

Oof! My buns, man!

Please be cautious.

How could we let one viper ruin everything?

It's like underneath that bland veneer,

there's something truly cunning.

Evil.

He whips us into a frenzy, convincing us

to hasten our timeline, and then releases the locusts?

It's diabolical.

I am telling you, he is just a graphic designer.

That's it.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Well, I guess, I just hope that the main idea of this place,

you know, the nucleus of it all...

Oh, my God, Jeff.

Tell me you had no idea about this.

No, of course not. Graphic designer.

That, my dear, is a viper. You see, it's quite simple...

We are about to be his next victim.

Something's not right. This isn't Jeff.

This can't be Jeff.

Well, I'm just another branch on the tree.

Di Wei: Listen, Hubert. Listen to me carefully.

I have three hiding options in my farm.

Option number one.

We put a cabbage leaf on your head and bury you

to your neck in soil so you appear as cabbage.

[ Sighs ] With the hounds at the door,

I thought you'd be able to suppress your foolishness.

- But alas. - Silence.

Option Two.

We go to old tractor that is missing engine,

we put you where the engine used to be.

But whenever anyone walks past you must go,

"Vroom, vroom," as engine.

[ Sighs ] And option three?

You stay here in root cellar with the door closed.

I'm sure you can gather which option I prefer.

Yes. Let me go fetch cabbage leaf.

Big leaf for a very big boy!

[ Chuckles ]

♪

Jeff?

Hello?

♪

[ Wind whistling ]

Where are you?

♪

[ Grunting ]

♪

[ Grumbles ]

♪

[ Laughs ]

[ Creaking ]

Oh, no.

Aah!

♪

[ Groans ]

[ Beep ]

♪

[ Groaning ]

♪

Huh?

[ Laughs ]

[ Coughs ]

♪

Hey, lil fella.

[ Robotic gibberish ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Beeping ]

♪

Acquired.

♪

Whoo! Yeah!

Let's fuckin' do this.

♪

Mom! Look, Mars! They're on Mars!

Wow! Pretty cool, bud.

[ Screaming ]

♪

Hey. You're Jeff's friend, right?

Pfft. When he needs something, yeah.

Well, I can't find him anywhere.

Can you see him from up there?

I left my asshole glasses at home,

so, no, I don't see him.

It's important.

Check backstage.

You might find him in the social-climbers section.

But my advice to you-- steer clear.

Bro is toxic.

He'll break your heart.

Thanks. And...

I found this.

♪

[ Sighs ] Aw, shit!

Hey, Dare, looking a little put out.

Need a hug? Uh, you know what,

th-there's just a lot of serious stuff going on right now,

above your pay grade.

Yeah, it's not all trust falls and gold stars out here,

I'm afraid to say.

In fact, I've been talking to Brandon

about another round of budget cuts and, uh,

[Inhales sharply] it's looking like we may have to trim

some of the Dreamspiration stuff.

[ Chuckling ] Weird.

I wonder why he asked me to introduce Falco and not you.

He knows I got more important stuff to do.

Plus, you know, the whole diversity thing.

It looks good having a woman up there.

You know I did actually get a chance

to talk to Falco, and your name came up.

It did?

Yeah, he said to say congratulations.

Uh, congratulations for what?

Oh, I thought you knew.

The results came in and you won the competition

for world's dumbest fuck.

Whatever. I got stuff to do. I'm out of here.

Oh, yeah, like what, huh?

I know you got fired, Dare.

What are you even doing back here?

Hey! It's okay for me to be here!

Is it though?

Uh, yeah. It is, actually.

Whoa. Gentlemen.

Whoop-whoop! Pull over. Pull over.

This is an actual emergency.

I need to confiscate all the alcohol on the premises...

'cause it's time to get fucked up!

This little piggy gettin' lit. This little piggy gettin' lit.

This little piggy gettin' lit.

This little piggy ain't getting shit.

[ Laughs ]

Yo, Dace. You get a double.

Hmm. [ Laughs ]

♪

[ Grumbling ]

♪

[ Robotic gibberish ]

[ Beeping ]

You think you can hide?

Not from me.

One step closer to the target.

One step closer to justice.

♪

[ Hubert groaning ]

What? Who is it?

Who's there?

I go to Marsiversary now.

Would you like any hors d'oeuvre from buffet?

M-Meat, cheese!

Anything but vegetables.

Okay, vegetable. You got it.

No! No! Anything but vegetables, you twit!

Yes, I hear you loud and clear.

I bring you back a nice, crunchy carrot.

Oh, my God...

Hey, my friends are back there.

We actually got separated,

so if there's any way you could just let me in.

♪

Mars.ly knows how to party, am I right?

Oh, hell yeah!

I was supposed to meet someone here but I don't see him.

Well, I see your ass, and you're lookin' pretty good.

Hey, any chance you're heading back to VIP?

Room for one more?

There's always room for one more.

Grab a VIP pass for my new VIP.

Where they been hiding you anyway?

[ Chuckles ] The bio labs

at the bottom of building two, actually.

Bio lab, huh?

Maybe later we can do a little experimentin'.

Yeah, maybe.

♪

How we doing?

So far so good. 30 seconds to show time.

No surprises? No surprises.

Fuck yeah. Welcome to the Marsiversary

30th interplanetary all-hands broadcast.

[ Cell phone ringing ]

Please give me a warm Mars.ly welcome

to a Dreamspiration great who needs no introduction,

our very own Reagan!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪

Ha-ha. Wow.

Here we are!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know, when I look out into this audience

I see a lot of people I recognize.

You might call them coworkers.

Or friends. Sure.

But I prefer the term "family."

Why are we a family?

Well, we've got a lot in common.

We're bold. We like to take risks.

We all have the same favorite color-- red.

[ Laughter ]

We like to break stuff that needs to be broken.

We got that Mars.ly swagger!

[ Laughter ]

Keep on going. Keep on going...

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

Keep on going.

[ Buzzer ]

Uh-oh...

Keep on going. Keep on going...

There's a rabbit in the garden, Farmer McGregor!

Keep on going.

[ Gasps ] Oh, dear.

The hell's wrong with you?

There's nothing under there.

Hey. Hey! I'm talking to you.

♪

[ Gasps, sighs ]

♪

[ Glass shattering ]

[ Robotic gibberish ]

Please...

help me.

Oh, I'm gonna help you, big boy.

We're gonna help each other.

And now, the reason why we're here.

He's the man with the plan-et.

Ladies and gentlemen, Earthlings and Martians,

I give you Falco!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪

[ Air whooshing ]

30 years, 30 years of us being a multi-planet species.

Official citizens of the mother-snoggin' universe.

Now how cool is that?

G'day all of yous

in sunny California and around the world...

and g'day to all the colonists up there on Mars.

It's a real sacrifice what you're doing up there.

There's all these beautiful waterfalls

and rivers down here.

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.

[ Sighs ] I bet it's brilliant up there

and I'll be joining you soon.

Don't worry, I just got to get

my fill of these gorgeous beaches here,

and then I'll be on the next one up!

♪

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Jeff. Have you seen him?

Actually, I have not.

And he better be in hair and makeup

because he's on in less than five.

Pick it up, fat body. Hurry it on up.

Help... please...

This bandit has accosted me.

Keep on going. Keep on going.

♪

Oh, God. Sorry.

Yo, science chick, where'd you go?

Tee, I told you I met a hot-ass scientess!

So, science, that's an interesting topic.

Tell me, how do grasshoppers become locusts?

Hey, have you seen, Jeff?

Jeff? Are you fucking serious? I love Jeff.

Everything okay here, sir?

At ease, soldier.

You know, I actually built this thing if you can believe it.

Yep.

I mean, it was based on a prototype and everything,

but it's, uh...

Just make sure you get home safe, sir.

♪

A big thanks to everyone down here,

up there, and everywhere else.

Especially my number two, that little dildo, Brandon.

Where are you, mate?

Poor bastard's like a beaten dog, look at him.

♪

Yeah, we had a good run, didn't we, old girl?

And of course, none of this would be possible

without Jesus Christ, the Word of God

made flesh who redeemed man by His death on the cross.

Ah, yes. And the creative director.

So I wanted this celebration to be 100% "made on Mars."

And, boy, did this guy deliver.

Look at this.

Is that-- Is that--

Oh, man. The Tasmanian devil.

But that's not-- That's just my son playing a trick.

- It's a game we play. - Hey, Dad saw Taz!

- We hide Taz. - Hey, guys! Guys! Dad saw Taz!

[ Door slams open ]

Has anyone seen Jeff?

Where is Jeff Cooper?

Oh, shit, I actually ran into playboy earlier.

Yeah, superstitious playa was doing luck rituals

with his joojoos and shit.

Said he was gonna rub Santa's belly.

[ Chuckles ]

Bloody beautiful work, all those posters.

So, let's bring the artist up.

Jeff Cooper.

[ Applause ]

♪

[ Murmuring ]

[ Sammy Hagar's "Right Now" plays ]

♪

What are these pictures?

Where is that fucking music coming from?

Keep on going. Keep on going.

Give 'em hell, Sully.

♪

Brandon, you think you can shut that thing

the fuck off, please?

Jeff: Jax, a little boy from central Florida

once told me the past can be a prison if you let it.

♪

About five clicks north of the Beckett Crater,

there's an unusual rock formation.

It's the kind of place that has no memory.

No past.

The future is waiting.

♪

You just got to know where to look.

I could use a friend to help me get my project on wheels.

Fireheart.

[ Beeping ]

Brandon! Turn the fucker off!

♪ Don't wanna wait till tomorrow ♪

Fibo-nach.

How ya doing?

♪ One by one, little problems ♪

♪ Build up, and stand in our way ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ One step ahead, one step behind it ♪

Keep on going. Keep on going. Keep on going. Keep on going.

Stop the show, I found the fucking terrorist!

[ Crowd gasps ]

Please, I beg you. Do as the man says.

♪ Yesterday ♪

Brandon!

♪ Turn this thing around ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Hey, it's your tomorrow ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Come on, it's everything ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Catch your magic moment ♪

♪ Let's do it right here and now ♪

♪

Trevor: Stop the show!

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