Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

The usual, fellas?

Hey, thanks, Jerome.

Whoa, Jerome, what's with the wheelchair?

Well, it was date night with my lady friend.

I put on some Teddy Pendergrass,

one thing led to another, and we started making love

halfway up the stairs.

Then I lost my footing and tumbled down half a flight,

buck naked.

Well, this is hardly dinner conversation.

Who's Teddy Pendergrass?

He's America's number one cause of urgent lovemaking injuries.

If you're not already in bed when Teddy starts singing,

somebody's going to the E. R.

Anyway, I busted my knee really bad,

so here I am.

Aw, geez, that stinks, Jerome.

How long you gonna be in that chair?

Well, that's the problem.

The doctor said I need surgery if I'm ever gonna walk again,

but I can't afford it.

Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I've got to get up on my feet again.

Relax, it's not so bad.

I bet you're gonna discover some cool new things

that you couldn't do when you were walking.

- Like what? - Well, have you yelled at someone

for using the handicapped stall yet?

That stall is for the differently-abled, you know.

Well, how do you know it's not a handicapped person in there?

Look, no chair, no crutches. Whoever's in there

definitely shouldn't be!

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, sure you are.

Hey, you mind flushing for me, pal?

No arms over here.

Well, I suppose it's the least I could do.

Oh, my God, it's bigger than you.

Hey, can you guys hear me all right?

- Yep. - Loud and clear.

Fr... in the computer.

What-What'd you, what'd you say, Cleveland?

- You're cutting in and out. - Damn it.

It's his crappy Internet service.

- What does he have? - He hoarded a decade's worth

of those "100 Free Hours" CDs AOL would send in the mail.

He's chipping away at 'em one at a time.

Let me...

: ...other room.

All right, we'll fill him in later.

Look, we got to help Jerome

pay for that surgery, you guys.

Yeah, but where are we gonna get that kind of money?

Hello? Hello?

Wait, what if we did some sort of fundraiser?

Donna, unplug everything.

I need the Internet. No, not tha...

You know, the local firehouse made

a sexy men in uniform calendar,

and it raised a ton of money.

Don't tell anybody, but I heard

not all 12 of those guys were from Quahog.

I-- Who-who would we tell that to?

I don't know. I'm just saying... don't.

That's actually not a bad idea.

We already got three men in uniform.

I'm on the roof now. Is that bet...

Bird. Bird.

Bird stole my laptop.

All right, now remember, we're going for "sexy,"

so can you undo your shirt?

There.

Joe, did you skip your nap?

I don't need a nap! You need a nap!

I want to be done.

Wait, Joe, Joe, look. Look over here.

Who's that?

This is our friend Leapy.

Hey, Joe. Can you do me a favor?

Okay.

Can you be a big boy

and unbutton your shirt for the picture?

Yeah.

Great, we're all done.

Now take off your pants.

What the hell?

I said take 'em off.

Joe, don't listen to Leapy. I was wrong.

Leapy is not our friend.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay, Cleveland, you're mostly out of shape.

Thankfully, all postmen have mountain climber leg muscles.

Those will be our focus here.

They really that strong-looking?

It's like a lady bodybuilder's boob.

I'm disgusted, but I can't look away.

All right, let's get started.

That's it. Now thigh me.

There we go. Now throw that bad boy up on the mailbox.

Ah, you're a natural.

You're like Gisele, Beyoncé, and Naomi Campbell all in one.

You're Gisonmi.

That's it, Gisonmi. Gisonmi, yes.

- Gisonmi. - Hey, guys,

I'm just gonna go ahead and close this, okay?

Getting my house assessed.

- Here you go, fellas. - Hey, Jerome.

Great to see you back on your feet already.

You're telling me. That calendar of yours

paid for my surgery and then some.

Consider your tab paid up for the whole month.

Wow, did we really make that much money?

Who's buying all these?

Yeah, I figured just our friends

would buy 'em for a laugh.

Oh, yeah, we're having a laugh, all right.

Might say everybody's having a ball, right, Mr. Brown?

What's going on here? Give me that.

All right, let's start at my navel and work down.

Belt buckled at the third notch, per postal code regulation.

Shorts securely zipped.

Neatly-pressed crease running down to--

my cocoa pebble!

- Let me see that. - Oh, yeah, that's a half-scrote

- bad dangle angle right there. - Oh, no,

the whole town's seen it. What am I gonna do?

Damn, Mr. Brown.

Larry Bird ought to be diving through here any second

'cause that's a loose ball.

Good job, sweetie. You're doing the work.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

I learned it all by watching YouTube videos of Les Dawson.

Who the hell is that?

Uh, 1960s British comic Les Dawson,

famous for his mother-in-law jokes?

Geez, Spencer, do the work.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Cleveland, let me ask you something.

Do you have a problem with the carrying capacity

of your standard-issue S-1104 canvas satchel?

No, sir.

I see. So then why, may I ask,

do you feel the need to carry around an extra sack?!

Sir, y-you don't understand. It was a mistake.

You're damn right it was.

Your little mistake has made a complete mockery

of the United States Postal Service.

This is a noble institution that runs on dignity.

That's the reason people trusted us to deliver

free COVID tests several months after it was relevant.

- But, sir, I... - No buts, Cleveland.

You've left me no choice. You're fired.

Now turn in your safari hat and your ladies' Mace.

This is terrible.

I have such a hard time saying goodbye.

Guh-buh-buh.

Gah-bre-aye.

Hey, chin up, Cleveland. I know you'll miss being a fireman.

- Mailman. - Mm-hmm.

That job meant everything to me.

And what about all the people on my route?

There's gonna be a riot when my regulars

find out I've been replaced.

- Hi. - Hi.

Huh. Mail before noon.

So, Cleveland, how's the job hunt going?

I can't even start till that damn bird brings my laptop back.

I wonder what he even uses it for.

Wow! Is that a third lead guitar?

Let me know in the comments, guys.

Oh, who am I kidding? You can't replace

working for the United States Postal Service.

I miss it already.

Oh, I feel useless.

Come on, Cleveland. You've been moping around all week.

You know what? Why don't you swing by

the brewery tomorrow? I'll buy you lunch.

Did you say an insensitive joke and now need to prove

to everyone that you have a Black friend?

See you there, buddy.

Thanks for letting me tag along at the brewery, Peter.

Feels good to have some routine again.

Ah, crap, look at the line.

Gonna take me forever to get to the microwave.

Peter, you have a salad.

Yeah, now I'm gonna have to eat it cold.

How am I supposed to work all day

without a belly full of hot salad?

Griffin.

What the hell is going on?

We've got a dozen delivery trucks

that are days behind schedule.

I've got distributors lighting up my phone

like a Christmas phone.

I have a twinkly phone for the holidays.

It's incredibly festive.

You know, I used to deliver the mail,

so I know a thing or two about getting around town.

Mind if this goose takes a gander?

Hmm, well, for starters,

you've got your downtown deliveries

scheduled for Wednesday morning, but...

that's when the street sweepers come around

and hog the right lane.

You switch to the afternoon, you'll be done in half the time.

The street sweepers, of course.

What about the other deliveries?

Well, no wonder your eastbound trucks are late.

That stretch of highway's been under construction for weeks.

That's why all the mail trucks use...

What a beautiful mind.

Oh, I didn't see that movie.

I only go to Spider-Mans.

...last stop right across the river.

You got the toll bridge in the way, but,

nine times out of ten, the bridge guy's watching TikToks.

You just drive around, he don't know.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. What's your name?

Cleveland Brown, sir.

Mr. Brown, this operation

could certainly use a man with your expertise.

How would you like a job here at the Pawtucket Brewery?

Really? All right!

Excellent. You start tomorrow.

- Hey, way to go, Cleveland. - Thanks, Peter.

Tonight, me and Donna are gonna celebrate,

romantically.

And which Teddy Pendergrass song was playing?

"Turn Out the Lights."

Sir, ma'am,

you're both lucky to be alive.

All right, working with my best friend.

This is gonna be sweet.

Just a heads up, I chew ice all day long,

and my computer goes "bonk" every three seconds.

I hope that doesn't bother you.

That's the bonk.

Yeah, uh, you, you think you could

keep the noise down, Peter?

It is my first day, after all,

and I want to get some work done.

Tell you what, you can do all the work you want

right after we take turns telling scary work stories.

It was a night just like this.

And when the moon is full, if you close your eyes,

you can still hear her voice.

: "Will you sponsor me

for my 5K?"

Dang it, Peter. This is work, not a sleepover.

Now would you please get out of here?

My 10:00 meeting is about to start.

Your meeting? But I thought we were gonna work together.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd tackle this one on my own.

But maybe you can get us some coffee?

...touch base...

...circle back...

...put a pin in it...

...but that's Monday's problem.

Wait a minute,

these shipments should have gone out already. Hey, Peter.

All these trucks were supposed to be on the road hours ago.

Did you make any changes to my schedule?

No. Oh, you know what?

Yeah, I added a new rule for safety.

The guys were slapping the back of the truck two times

when it was all loaded up,

but then Smitty got his foot run over,

so now I told 'em to do 200 slaps, just to be safe.

- How many was that? - Uh, 35? 40?

I can't tell, we got, like, six other slappers going.

Griffin, what's going on?

All of our weekly shipments are late, again.

Mr. Lloyd, I think we can get back on track

if we just optimize our load outs.

See, back in my mailman days,

we would pre-sort our deliveries by destination.

If we bundle the inventory by invoice

rather than by product type,

it'll expedite the delivery out on the road.

My goodness, why haven't we been doing that all along?

Cleveland, you've proven yourself

invaluable to this organization.

I'm hereby promoting you to Vice Executive Managing Director

in Charge of Lengthy Titles.

Wow, thank you, sir.

Hey, good for you, Cleveland.

Good for all of us. Good for this department.

And as for you, Griffin,

I need you to clear your things out of your office.

Cleveland is going to need more room

to perform his managerial duties.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,

you're kicking me out of my own office?

You're not, uh, you're not replacing me, are you?

Oh, no, we're just doing

a little... restructuring.

Besides, you won't need an office for your new assignment.

I'm putting you in charge of kitchen banter.

What you got there? Little jet fuel?

Little java? Little jitter juice?

I'll take a top-off, if you don't mind.

Yeah, don't talk to me till I've had my coffee, right?

Hey, how come you were only pregnant for four months?

- Griffin. - Sorry, it's my first day.

Look, I know this is awkward, celebrating Cleveland

getting promoted over you,

so we don't have to stay long if you don't want.

Eh, it's one night, I'll be fine.

Wait, Peter, where's the bottle of wine I told you to bring?

Cleveland makes more money than me now, Lois.

That means we're sneaking groceries out of this party,

not bringing 'em in.

Can you fit ketchup in that purse? We're all out.

Damn it. We can't show up to a dinner party

without a $14 empty gesture. It's improper.

We need to give them something.

Fine. Here.

We brought these.

- Oh. - What?

It's... (sighs) It's nothing.

I guess I just miss being the one handing out the mail.

I'm sorry, they're lovely.

Mm. That Lands' End lady-pants catalog

had quite a bloom this year.

♪ ♪

Then I said, "Ain't that the punch line to an anecdote."

So, what does this promotion mean?

Are you, like, Peter's boss now?

We're all on the same team.

Ah, that means yes.

Hey, Cleveland, how about a quick speech for our guests?

Yeah, speech, speech!

Or maybe just cover it in a group text later.

All right, all right, settle down.

I'd like to thank y'all for coming tonight

to celebrate my new job at the brewery.

It ain't as good as delivering bills,

but it sure does pay the bills.

- What a great speech. - He's so important now.

Do you think it's okay I used the upstairs bathroom?

It was bad enough with Mr. Lloyd thinking

Cleveland's better than me. Now it's all our friends, too.

Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You think I'm thrilled my husband got demoted?

Bonnie's already rented one of those cars

with a loudspeaker on top.

She's telling everyone.

People of Spooner Street,

Lois's husband got demoted.

They're poorer now.

Repeat, Lois's family is now poorer.

Use this as motivation.

Think of how good it'll feel

to prove your friends and Mr. Lloyd wrong.

Now I'm gonna take an incredibly quick lady dump.

- Prove 'em wrong, huh? - Done.

That's exactly what I'll do.

I bet they won't think Cleveland's so great

when I get him fired.

Hey, Dad, how's it going? Have fun at the Browns'?

I couldn't steal the ketchup. There were eyes on me all night.

- Son of a bitch! - There he is.

- He didn't get the ketchup. - Damn it!

Hey, these chicken nuggies are bone-dry.

What did he say about the ketchup?

What's going on? Why'd everything stop?

Hello, I'm Inspector Daniels from the Health Department.

That's a backstage pass from a Muse concert.

Huh, I guess it is, isn't it?

I received an anonymous tip that there's a rat

nesting in the main beer tank. I'm here to check it out.

- What's this now? - Well, I sure hope not.

I'd lose my job if there was any filth of that nature going on.

Hmm, maybe I misheard the tipster.

Yeah, ears haven't really been the same since I saw Muse

from basically as close as you're allowed to get.

I'll try him back.

Rat-a-tat-tat, you've reached Peter the rat.

Well, I'm sorry someone wasted your time,

but as you can see, everything here is up to code.

Have a good day.

I found your rat in the tank during my rounds this morning.

- Why'd you do it, Peter? - I'm sorry.

It's just, with you doing so well at the brewery,

I felt like a joke.

I knew I was never gonna be a big shot here,

but I liked playing my small part to help make this beer.

Before you started, that small part felt like enough.

Griffin, I was just informed that you tried to sabotage

this operation by putting vermin in the beer tank.

This is the last straw, Griffin.

You are fired.

Fine. I'm not good enough for this place anyway.

Wait.

You can't fire Peter, sir.

- And why's that? - Because you need him.

Sure, companies need some people to work hard

and go the extra mile, but more than that,

they need guys like Peter,

regular guys who are happy to do a thankless job

for a mediocre salary, day in and day out,

so long as that day ends with a cold beer

and a best friend to share it with.

If you fire Peter Griffin,

sir, you fire your customer,

the beer-loving everyman

that makes up the hunched backbone of this country.

Cleveland, you're right.

Griffin here is perfectly mediocre,

and America runs on mediocre.

You know, that's the kind of insight

I need coming from up top.

How'd you like to join me on the executive floor?

I appreciate the offer, sir, but I can't accept.

In fact, I'm officially "terndering" my resignation,

and recommending Peter Griffin as my replacement.

There's only one job I was born to do,

and I'm gonna go get it ba...

There's the bird with my laptop!

Just come in.

Thank you for seeing me, sir.

I'm gonna get right to it and say being a postman is who I am,

and I'm here to get my job back.

- Well, that's great, but... - Please, sir, let me finish.

With this rubber band, I will cinch the offending testicle

so that it can never dangle nor sway where it does not belong.

Here I go.

It's done.

Cleveland, we sent your reinstatement forms a week ago.

I never check my own mail.

You know how Pablo Escobar never did cocaine?

- He did a lot of cocaine. - Oh.

Then I fear I've made a terrible mistake.

Turns out, we couldn't fire you

without running it by the union head.

Welcome back, Cleveland.

Thank you, sir. It's good to be back.

And there goes my ball.

- Here's your rubber band back. - You-you can keep it.

So, Cleveland, you happy to be delivering mail again?

Oh, yeah.

Yep, sure is nice to have things back to normal.

Say, Cleveland, how about you and me get a quick selfie

to remember this crazy week?

Peter, did you make another insensitive joke

and need to prove you have a Black friend again?

I'm not gonna say it was bad,

but I have to make you my profile picture.

It's my only shot. Oh, hang on,

there's my Jewish friend Mort Goldman.

Hey, Mort, what's up, pal? Quick selfie?