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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:26,458 TWIGGY: Hey! 2 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,561 -Is this your mother? -Let me handle this. 3 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,130 No, I know her. 4 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,398 I said, is this your mother? 5 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,769 Well, let me see. One white paw? Yes, that looks like her. 6 00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:38,337 She's been sitting in our kitchen for two days. 7 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:43,175 Let me do this. You should look after her better. I could report you. 8 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,811 You know what, she always finds her own way back. 9 00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:47,246 Poor old woman. 10 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,648 -Thank you! -TWIGGY: Come on, Leigh. 11 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,283 Will you be all right now love? 12 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,086 Leigh, we can't keep her. 13 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,822 Well, you shouldn't feed her! 14 00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:01,326 I can't believe she lives this close. We'll have to move. 15 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,028 I found them, dear. 16 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:06,298 -Who? -The Madonna and Guy Itchy. 17 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,567 It's not Madonna. Get in the house! 18 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,170 Get back in the house. Get in that house! 19 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,671 Help! Help! 20 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:16,575 (YELLING ANGRILY) You will take the bloody photos and go out again, 21 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,609 you stupid old woman! 22 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:20,746 And don't come back until you find them! 23 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:25,517 -Was that Gran? -Yeah. I'm sending her out again, darling. 24 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:25,784 Mum! 25 00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,587 Darling, I need Madonna and Guy Ritchie. 26 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:32,091 I mean they might drive by sooner or later. I know they live... 27 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:32,758 They live in the area... 28 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,094 What? And they'll see you washing the car, and realise you share 29 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:37,096 a common interest and become best friends? 30 00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:41,567 Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle, sweetheart. 31 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,735 I want to huddle around her cool flame 32 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:48,040 with all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, darling, 33 00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:49,374 and hear her words of wisdom. 34 00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:53,345 Lo, she has spoken! "Cowboy hats is back." 35 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,714 I'll tell you something, darling. 36 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:59,418 If the car washing doesn't work, I'm putting the house on the market again. 37 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,353 I know she's still looking. 38 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,422 She'd love this kitchen. Mmm. 39 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,491 -What's happened? -My business has folded! 40 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:09,495 -What? -Oh, yeah, darling. Down the pan and flushed. 41 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:13,265 Only, we've severed an artery and I'm hemorrhaging clients 42 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:16,635 at such a rate that death is now imminent. 43 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,370 But Madonna, darling... 44 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:22,474 Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, couldn't she, sweetheart... 45 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,611 -It can't be as bad as that. -Can't be as bad as that? 46 00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:29,081 Most of them have gone to Claudia-bloody-Bing! 47 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,150 She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart. 48 00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:36,155 I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left, listen to this, darling... 49 00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,223 I might be left with Twiggy 50 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:42,528 and Alcospray. And by the look on Twiggy's face just now, 51 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,796 Twiggy's a bit like that. 52 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,498 I mean, it's a disaster. 53 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,535 Oh, come on, Mum. You always survive somehow. 54 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,369 Yeah, always survive somehow 55 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:53,338 but not any more, darling, not now the world has changed. 56 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:57,576 I mean, there was a time when I was out there. I was hip. I was dangerous. 57 00:02:57,578 --> 00:03:00,612 The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart. 58 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:03,682 I mean, I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it, darling. 59 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:09,021 You know, the more money you spent, the more you made. It was money on a loop. 60 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,223 But not any more, no. 61 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,525 Not any more, sweetheart. 62 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,527 Thanks to New Labour. 63 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:19,331 -Oh, no. -Oh, yes, darling. 64 00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:23,035 The eternally grinning, funless world 65 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,003 of New Labour. 66 00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:27,706 All that hope, all that future, darling, 67 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,107 but you know something once the party's over, 68 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:32,411 you look around, you're still standing in the shit! 69 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:36,415 Nobody wants new things any more. It's retro, retro, retro. 70 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:41,053 Darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology, 71 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:44,089 and that's not a world that thinks I'm that great! 72 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:47,392 -That is not the reason. -It is. 73 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,294 Well... 74 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,362 That and the fact that Bubble... 75 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,164 -Oh, here we go... -No, wait. 76 00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:54,099 Bubble managed to push the wrong button and emailed 77 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:57,636 all my personal and my business letters to my whole address book. 78 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,606 I mean the whole world now knows my business. 79 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,374 That might have helped Claudia Bing a bit. 80 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,276 Why does that not surprise me? Now come on, Mum. 81 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,980 Pull yourself together and deal with this! It can't be that bad. 82 00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:08,580 Not that bad? 83 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,183 I've got a PR company with no clients 84 00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,652 and a TV company with no programs! 85 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:17,022 What's the good news, Shirley Temple? 86 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,392 -Hello! -Hi, hi, hi! 87 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:23,562 Just here to say that later today, 88 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,097 we'll be leaving. 89 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,465 There is a God! 90 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,501 The Kaballah didn't quite work out for us 91 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,669 so we're gonna go home... 92 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,104 We're gonna have a little rethink. 93 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:36,141 There are plenty of places the stars go to find God. 94 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:40,646 God is now a dot com and the stars are filling their baskets. 95 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,114 No, Bo. Just leave it. 96 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,082 You should spend more time at home. 97 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,484 I am not a Hollywood wife. 98 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:48,320 I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile. 99 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,188 I am not Candy Spelling. 100 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,557 We don't have a present-wrapping room. 101 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,695 I, um, I hardly recognised you just normal like this. 102 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,531 Hey, everybody's got a crowd of people inside of them. 103 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,334 I act out each one, yet I am myself. 104 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,303 "I am never alone, I am with myself." 105 00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:07,673 Jane Fonda, Oprah, series four, show 97. 106 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:11,476 Well, goodbye and good riddance. You're not gonna be missed. 107 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,179 Oh, bless you for your honesty. 108 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,181 Give me your hand, pretty lady. 109 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,016 No. Shut up! Have Saff. 110 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:23,221 What can I say? What can't be said can't be said, and it can't be whistled either. 111 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,624 -Come on. Let's go see some sights. -Okay. 112 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,660 -Oh, maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house. -(MOANS) 113 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:32,164 (CHUCKLES) Hold up, my little bonsai tree. 114 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,767 I know you have dreams of running with the redwoods, 115 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,136 but you wouldn't last a second out there on your own. 116 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:42,207 Mum, instead of hanging around here, all day, I suggest you get into the office. 117 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,508 Darling, I am in the office. 118 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,445 We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting. 119 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,247 I feel that if I can get that side of it up and running, darling, 120 00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,216 I might be able to flog it to some sucker. 121 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,752 But why can't they hear me? Hello? 122 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:57,622 Sorry. Is this game shows or general interest? 123 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,757 I don't know. 124 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,192 But it's your idea. 125 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,693 Did I have an idea? 126 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,261 Whose pet is this? 127 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,330 -Whose pen is this? Oh, that's good. 128 00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:07,432 -I like that. -Keep it, then. 129 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,502 What's in my pocket? Where am I? 130 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,604 Whose hands are these? 131 00:06:13,107 --> 00:06:14,573 Why are we here? 132 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,075 Why can't they hear me? Hello? Hello? 133 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,679 It's ridiculous. And where's Katy Grin? She should bloody be there. 134 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:23,181 Do you want me to sort this Bing woman for you? 135 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,616 -Oh... -Always the hard man. 136 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,552 So, I'll have to go to the office now. 137 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,120 And hurry off. 138 00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:31,056 Eddy, you need some fun, darling. Let's do something. 139 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,225 Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at Nobu. 140 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,326 Oh, we haven't done that for long. 141 00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:35,761 All right, darling, I'll clear my desk. 142 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,430 -Mum! -I've got to have a life, haven't I? 143 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,633 I mean, work should just be the little side salad. Shouldn't it? 144 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:45,303 Hello. Alex? This is the mood board for next edition. 145 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,272 -Sex. Bitch. Aristo. -Punk. 146 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,142 -Sex. Punk. Whore. Bitch. -Prossie. 147 00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:52,244 -Prossie. -Lessie. Punk. Tart. 148 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:52,644 -Slut. -Slut. 149 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:56,648 -Oh, but Alex, Alex? With lovely shoes. -Oh, yes. 150 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:58,784 There we are, darling. 151 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:02,053 Ooh, a little bit tense there, Eddy. 152 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,989 Yeah, darling. Relax, darling. 153 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,457 BOTH: Ooh... 154 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:06,958 -Ooh. -(CRACKING) 155 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,993 Ow, ow, ow, ow! 156 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,694 -Ow, Eddy! -What did you do? 157 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,963 -My arm! -What arm? 158 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,131 Oh, my God! 159 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,099 -Oh... -You've broken it! 160 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,734 -No. It's all right, it's all right. -She can't have broken it. 161 00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:22,007 Eddy, just, just get my bag. I've got a few painkillers in there, I think, darling. 162 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,277 You couldn't have broken your arm... 163 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,614 -Where is it, darling? -Here, sweetheart, is it this? This? 164 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,050 -Oh, that's the one, darling. -Oh! 165 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,485 Oh! 166 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:34,986 (GROANS) 167 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:38,590 Stop it! 168 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,991 You need to go to a hospital. 169 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,694 No, no. I think I can do it. I just go... 170 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,429 -(CRACKING SOUND) -Oh! 171 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,132 (EXCLAIMING) 172 00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:55,140 I'll get a bandage! 173 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,543 No it's all right. It's just a little break. These things happen. 174 00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:02,180 But, darling, you weren't doing anything. Just the choppety chop. 175 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:02,614 (MUMBLES) 176 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:07,052 (SIGHS) Last week I cracked my ankle just putting it into a Jimmy Choo. 177 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,353 -Oh! -What? 178 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,756 You need to see a doctor. You need to have some tests. 179 00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,592 -No, it's all right. -Oh, darling... 180 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,994 Maybe I should take her to the hospital. 181 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,662 Oh, no, I just need a drink. 182 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,530 Mum, I will deal with this. 183 00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:21,633 -I'll take care of the... -No, Mum, go work now! 184 00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:24,135 (SIGHS) 185 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,338 I should have seen this coming. 186 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:29,074 (WHIMPERING) Saffy, Saff. Saffy. 187 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,509 Saff, darling. 188 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:35,480 (GASPS) 189 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,048 -Come on. -Oh. 190 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:41,152 Yes, I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that. 191 00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,154 I've been up all night with the baby. 192 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,489 I don't know why it cries so much. 193 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:49,528 I've got friends who use exactly the same sperm bank and theirs is perfect. 194 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,097 Right. Ideas! 195 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,132 Give me names, faces, formats. 196 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,135 -(STAMMERS) A quiz! -With questions. 197 00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,238 Personalities, celebrities. 198 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,506 Donna Air, Cat Deeley. 199 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,408 You can pick any one of the clones. 200 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,011 There once was an Anneka, who begat an Ulrika, 201 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:09,247 from whose career dip sprung a Davina. 202 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,516 All squirted from the same hole. 203 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:14,419 Like herpes they spread from TV-am, 204 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:17,055 armed only with the charm of incompetence. 205 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,525 I mean, if there's any presenting to be done, I'm doing it! 206 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:21,459 For Christ's sake! 207 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:25,664 If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it! 208 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,734 -Candy! -Oh, Eds, darling. 209 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,236 Oh, darling! 210 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:32,571 Is Pats not with you? 211 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:34,372 No. She's got a bit of trouble. 212 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:38,343 Damn. Minge and I are trying to get a group of us to go to Annabels 213 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,278 after the Vidal Sassoon gala. 214 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,079 -The Hair Ball? -Mmm. 215 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,615 It's gonna be rather a laugh actually. Hugh Grant's going to be there. 216 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:48,620 Mick Jagger. Mind you, I know Mick Jagger's a jumping scrotum with lips now, 217 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:49,988 but I know that Patsy likes him. 218 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:53,725 And Hugh's improved immeasurably since he lost the old flop. 219 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,227 -Liz Hurley? -No. His hair. 220 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,196 -Oh, his hair. His hair. -Are you going to come? 221 00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,230 Yeah, will see you down there later. 222 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:03,368 Eh-oh, stinky winky. I think he needs a drink. 223 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,671 -His nose is very dry. -Leave him alone. 224 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,640 -See you later. -See you later. 225 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,077 You, Bubble. Listen... 226 00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:12,811 You're still here? 227 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,013 Oh, God. Claudi-bloody-Bing. 228 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,214 What do you want? Come to gawk? 229 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:19,451 Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill? 230 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:20,118 No. Hold that. 231 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,453 I just thought I'd see how big this office is. 232 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:25,624 I mean, if you're going out of business, I might be interested. 233 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:26,291 Ow! 234 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:31,062 I can't stay. I just thought I'd pop my head in to say hi and thank you. 235 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:35,533 What a day I've got, thanks to you. Let's see. 236 00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:40,305 De La Soul press junket. A relaunch and a re-lunch. 237 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,407 A Versace golf tournament. 238 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,242 Free Tibet Gala Dinner, yum yum. 239 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,112 A press night. A premiere. Photocall. A promotion. 240 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:49,848 I've got M.E. And M.S., which is wonderful. 241 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,483 -You go to the palace. -Yeah, I know! 242 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,084 I've sat next to Camilla twice now. 243 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,854 D'ya know, she's almost pretty in the flesh. 244 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,323 I adore Davina McCall's baby. 245 00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,691 But, frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmarsh, 246 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,995 Vagina Monologues, and drug abuse. Edina, I feel awfully bad. 247 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,597 Well, don't. I've been in tighter spots. 248 00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:09,768 I shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes with... Twiggy. 249 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:13,004 -Oh, dear. -Claudia, you're here. 250 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,606 -Twiggy! -Twiggy! 251 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:19,611 Now look, Edina, I've just come to tell you I'm going with Claudia now. 252 00:11:19,613 --> 00:11:21,212 -But, but... -But what? You deserve this. 253 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,416 You're one of the most selfish, thoughtless people I've ever met. 254 00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:26,751 -Look to your right. -It's always you, you... 255 00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:31,289 You orbit Planet You. You are your own moon. You moon yourself. 256 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,625 Thank God. It's not a sight I'd relish. 257 00:11:33,627 --> 00:11:35,493 What have you done for me? You've done nothing! 258 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:39,397 Oh, what was it? Fisting... Fists Across America. Gay Pride. 259 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:42,567 Oh, don't start. Look, I'm really sorry, Claudia. 260 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,336 No, no, don't worry. All this is just touching the G-spot. 261 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:50,608 Come on, Twigs. Have you got your bikini? We're doing a swimathon for poorly goldfish. 262 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,243 -Aw. The ones in the news? -Yes. 263 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,813 Ah. Oh, by the way. Your mum's back with us now. 264 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,715 And I told Leigh he can keep her this time. 265 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,584 Oh, every cloud does have a silver lining. 266 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,586 Again! Again! 267 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,089 (YELPING WITH PAIN) 268 00:12:10,464 --> 00:12:12,163 EDINA: Psst! Darling? 269 00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:14,599 -How's the patient? -Mum, can you sit down? 270 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:18,570 Hello, darling. Oh, darling. Twiggy's left me. 271 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:19,537 -Aww. -Aww... 272 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:20,405 -But I saw Candy. -Oh. 273 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,473 -Are we going to the Hair Ball? -Oh... 274 00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:22,741 Mick's gonna be there. There's gonna be an auction. 275 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:26,644 Oh, darling, I don't think I can. But I might phone in a couple of bids. 276 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:28,546 -Mum. -Did you go to the hospital? 277 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:32,150 -Yes. And to the gynecologist. -I hate gynecologists. 278 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:35,587 A man who can look you in the vagina, but never in the eye. 279 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,122 EDINA: Yes. 280 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,089 I hate them. 281 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,158 I mean mine, darling, he hangs around between women's legs 282 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:45,263 like most men hang out in a garage. Just tinkering. Just tinkers! 283 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,031 -Mum? -Yeah. 284 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,567 Patsy's got osteoporosis. 285 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,538 She has the lowest bone density on record. 286 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:57,041 Oh, cheers. Well done, darling. Well done. 287 00:12:57,410 --> 00:13:01,412 She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder! 288 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,115 This is what happens when you have the menopause. 289 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,251 -No! -No! No! 290 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,721 -No, darling, no. It can't be. -I'm 42. 291 00:13:09,723 --> 00:13:11,256 She's 42! 292 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,625 Besides that, darling, she's never had all the... 293 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,694 You've never had an ovary. That's what the doctor in Algiers said. 294 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,163 -Yeah... -I've always had thin bones. 295 00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:19,397 I mean it's nothing to do with anything. 296 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:22,400 Anyway, darling, you just get a patch, don't you? 297 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,302 Just get a patch! Mum, there are side effects. 298 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:29,340 How many times have I nearly overdosed? I think I can survive a patch! 299 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,675 (LAUGHS) 300 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:31,709 No! 301 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:34,078 No. Now I think you should be aware of all the options. 302 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,613 And am thinking of you as well, Mum. 303 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,182 -No, darling. -It will happen, Mum. 304 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,118 -EDINA: No... -That's why I've organised a meeting upstairs. 305 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,554 -What meeting? -The local M.A. 306 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,622 -Ma? -Ma? 307 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,158 Menopausals Anonymous. 308 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,561 -(GASPS) -No, sweetheart! 309 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:51,696 No! 310 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:52,430 You will do this. 311 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,500 You will learn about this and you will take control. 312 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,169 Because, frankly, if you don't... 313 00:13:58,471 --> 00:13:59,838 (BELL CHIMES) 314 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,439 Saffy! 315 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,475 All gone, darling. 316 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,544 All gone, darling. 317 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,247 Go get it. 318 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,617 Shh! Shh! 319 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,352 Shh! Shh! 320 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,720 (BONE CRACKS) 321 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:21,025 -My leg! -A splint, darling! 322 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,228 And a sp... spliff. 323 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,395 (LAUGHS) 324 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:26,164 A spliff and a splint! 325 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:29,734 (SNAPPING) Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. What happened then? 326 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,669 My life just flashed in front of me. 327 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:35,073 What was it like, darling? A Bergman film without the jokes? 328 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,041 (BOTH LAUGHING) 329 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:42,046 Oh! Did you say there are menopausals upstairs, darling? 330 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,315 -Yes. -On my furniture? 331 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:45,049 Are you mad? 332 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,718 Where are the bin bags? Where are the bin bags? 333 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:51,589 I've read about them, darling. One sneeze and the floodgates open. 334 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:53,057 Bin bags! 335 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:57,662 -We'll just pack quickly and go home. -Okay, honey. 336 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,365 (SNIFFING) 337 00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:03,534 -Leave it, Bo. -I smell a group. 338 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:04,535 Leave it, Bo. 339 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,038 You go ahead and pack. I'll be right with you. 340 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,740 (CONTINUES SNIFFING) 341 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,642 -(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -(GASPING) 342 00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:13,478 All right, bin bags. Everyone sit on a bin bag. 343 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,545 Sit on a bin bag. Body coasters. 344 00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:19,250 Body coasters, everyone. You, off there, on a bloody bin bag. 345 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,785 Get on the bin bags. 346 00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:24,155 -Are you not staying, darling? -Oh, no. I'm all right. 347 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:27,191 Gone through it already, I suppose. 348 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,193 No! 349 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,795 I think we should leave. 350 00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:33,698 I can feel the hormones being leeched from me as we speak. 351 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,135 If you wanna watch it, you'll just leave here being worn as a patch. 352 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,637 -Sit down! -Eddie I don't want to stay here with this 353 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:43,107 -sweaty load of fanny-obsessed heifers. -No. 354 00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:45,810 EDINA: Sitting on my furniture. 355 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,578 Come on, let's go. Let's go. 356 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,048 Damn! Damn! 357 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:53,117 Oh, God. 358 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:57,822 -Right, everyone, let's kick off. -No. I'm taking the meeting. 359 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,023 (CHUCKLES) 360 00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,124 Catriona, lovey? 361 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,226 Right. My name is Catriona. 362 00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:05,163 Um, I don't think that I have actually got the menopause. 363 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:10,201 Um, although I do have to do the checklist before I leave the house 364 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:13,604 to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on. 365 00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,074 Again. 366 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,343 I'm sensing denial. 367 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,077 I'm sensing armpit. 368 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:23,481 I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones at that. 369 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:28,619 Hello. My name is Beth de Woody. I just want to share a few horrors. 370 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:29,454 At night, I can't sleep, 371 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:33,658 but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light. 372 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:38,496 Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills? 373 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,331 Like, I don't know, um, three nipples? 374 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,434 -Yeah. -All right. Hello. My name is Beth de Woody. 375 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,069 I'm have three heart attacks a day 376 00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:49,440 and my skin thinks it's in the Congo. Otherwise, I'm fine. 377 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,743 My doctor says I should stop taking the pills, 378 00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:53,011 but that's what a man would say. 379 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:56,247 I mean, what do they have to do, let their belt out a couple of notches 380 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:58,282 and join a golf club! 381 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,319 There are alternatives. 382 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,988 No. Not the testosterone implant. 383 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:04,989 -For some people they work. -Oh, yeah. 384 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:10,128 Tell that to Marly Quinberg. They turned her into a overheated sex maniac. 385 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,698 But I've got them. She should come and see me. 386 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,366 The woman cannot walk. 387 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,768 Overheated and oversexed. 388 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:21,973 She gave herself an accidental cliterectomy with a hand fan! 389 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:25,777 Hi. Hi. I'm Bo Chrysalis. 390 00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:29,213 Could I just ask what this meeting's for? 391 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,783 Is this angry divorcees or... 392 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:33,651 Croning? 393 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,186 No. The menopause, Bo. 394 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:38,389 Oh. We don't have that in America. 395 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:42,360 We don't believe in it. Certainly not in L.A. 396 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,362 -What? Are you nuts? -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 397 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:48,166 Sisters, come on, come on! This meeting's going nowhere. 398 00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:52,470 My name is Jobo and I'm happy to be having the menopause. 399 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,406 I have hot flushes and memory loss. 400 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,241 -Well done! -(CLAPPING) 401 00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:02,013 And sometimes when I sneeze, I pee. 402 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:04,282 Beth de Woody. 403 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:08,019 The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass! 404 00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:11,355 Patsy Stone. I hope you're wearing thick pants! 405 00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:12,557 Yes! 406 00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:18,396 Edina Monsoon. Stand on the bloody bin bag! 407 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,599 God! 408 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,538 Womb prayer, everybody. Womb prayer. 409 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:28,306 EDINA: No! 410 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:31,209 ALL: Embrace the dryness. 411 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:31,776 Love your womb. 412 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:38,449 Come down, Lilith, and suck up our juices and blow back wisdom! 413 00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:42,019 -Group hug, everyone. -EDINA: No! No! 414 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,122 Saff! Saff! 415 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,490 (BONE CRACKING) 416 00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,225 God, who was that? 417 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,094 Beth de Woody! 418 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:56,033 Marshall, Marshall, where do the stars go to have the menopause? 419 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:59,537 Montana, and a small clinic in Arizona. 420 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:02,406 Well, hitch up the horses. We're going west. 421 00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:03,641 Oh! 422 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,410 Are you going into the office? 423 00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:07,745 Yeah. I suppose I'll have to. 424 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:10,615 See if I can make Alcospray into... (MUMBLES) 425 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:13,217 -What is it? I've never heard of it. -Oh, thank you. 426 00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:16,654 It's spray booze, darling. Great for kids. 427 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,557 Come on, what is it you always say? 428 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,693 Bad is the new good, crap is the new fantastic. 429 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:23,761 This is what you're good at. 430 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,096 All I used to be good at, darling. 431 00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:30,001 I mean, I can't cook. I can't knit. I can't sew. I can't sing. 432 00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,335 Thank God. 433 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:32,436 Is there anything I can do? 434 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:36,474 Yeah, well, that is a 64 million dollar question, isn't it, darling? 435 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,676 We'd all like to know that. 436 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,711 Uh, I need some brain food, darling. 437 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,781 Get me some wheatgerm and some grass juice. 438 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:44,415 No. 439 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,550 What am I supposed to do, then? 440 00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:48,586 -Why don't you go and suck a lawn? -Oh! 441 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,321 Because, darling, by the time I got there, 442 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:53,758 Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why. 443 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,260 -Morning, Ed. -Oh, morning, Pats. 444 00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:56,794 Did she stay over? 445 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:59,430 Sweetheart, she couldn't remember where she lived, 446 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:02,700 and I thought it was safer, you know. 447 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,469 -Also, now that Bo and Marshall... -No. 448 00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,572 -Lovely empty spare room. -No! 449 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,240 -Yeah, but... -No. 450 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:10,741 Damn you. 451 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,043 How are you doing with the patch? 452 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,311 -Oh, I feel bit better. -Yeah? 453 00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,478 Yes, well, you'll need a new one. 454 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,715 -Is the old one still there? -Why don't you look? 455 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,051 She might crack her neck, darling. 456 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,522 This is the last time I do this. 457 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,190 (RIPPING) 458 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,359 (SLAPPING) 459 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,095 -Oh, pills! -Oh, pills! 460 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,730 -Alternative remedies. -BOTH: Oh... 461 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:37,435 FHT, DDT, MYT, belladonna, ergotamine, black kohosh, and dong. 462 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,371 Ooh! Dong! Thank you nurse. 463 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,272 Dong. 464 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:45,509 Anything to bring you back from the freeze-dried granules, darling. 465 00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:46,377 What are you doing today? 466 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:49,247 Well I thought I'd ring and find out if I got anything at the auction. 467 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,382 I'll see you later. I've got to go in the office. 468 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:55,052 I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing, you know. 469 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:58,522 It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor. 470 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,359 I tell I you something, if I don't, darling... 471 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,194 (CLANGING) 472 00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:05,429 The death knell ringeth. 473 00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:25,249 "Eh-oh. Alcospray gone bust. Me tubby bye bye." 474 00:21:25,251 --> 00:21:30,354 Oh, hello. Bubble's gone, but if there's anything you need, I'm here. 475 00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,657 I don't know why you employed her. 476 00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:33,257 I don't know. 477 00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:35,426 She was like a little work of art, you know... 478 00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:39,230 A sort of conceptual installation, the concept of a PA. 479 00:21:39,232 --> 00:21:43,734 But frankly, I'd have been better off with a painting of a secretary. 480 00:21:46,506 --> 00:21:49,507 -Very pretty cardigan. -No. 481 00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:56,147 We've also got theoretical marketing strategies 482 00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:59,116 and global internet tie-ins. 483 00:21:59,118 --> 00:22:00,051 So all we need is the programmes. 484 00:22:00,053 --> 00:22:02,720 Oh, and we had one idea today, which was a quiz. 485 00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:05,690 What are you talking about? Why are you still here? 486 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:08,159 -Show me that. -No, no. 487 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,694 Damn you, damn you. 488 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,996 -Is it a TV company? -No. 489 00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:13,731 No, it's not a TV company. 490 00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:16,634 It's a multinational media, cable and satellite network 491 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:21,605 with Murdoch airspace and strategic programming WAP tie-ins. 492 00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:22,573 Yeah. 493 00:22:22,575 --> 00:22:24,508 I own some pretty expensive air up there. 494 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:28,546 -You sneaky little... -I am branded. Sss! 495 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:30,715 You may have all the meat, all the celebrity cattle, 496 00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:34,618 but frankly, you know something, I was quite glad to offload them. 497 00:22:34,620 --> 00:22:35,152 -Oh! -Yeah. 498 00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:38,456 This is the future, babe. This is the future. 499 00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:40,291 We're in pre-pre... 500 00:22:40,293 --> 00:22:42,793 Almost pre-production for quizzes. 501 00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:47,231 We've got... Uh... Have I Got Shoes For You. 502 00:22:47,233 --> 00:22:48,265 Donatella's on hold for that one. 503 00:22:48,267 --> 00:22:51,335 I mean, this is bigger than all the dot coms put together. 504 00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:53,337 I'm surprised you're not into this. 505 00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:54,772 -Oh, my God! -What? 506 00:22:54,841 --> 00:22:55,806 -What? -Is it? 507 00:22:55,808 --> 00:22:57,308 -What? -Is it... 508 00:22:57,310 --> 00:22:59,577 I don't believe it. Katy Grin. 509 00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,612 Yes. She's my TV partner. 510 00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:06,150 But I love her. I used to watch her on Blue Peter. 511 00:23:06,786 --> 00:23:08,018 -Hello, Katy. -Hello. 512 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:10,087 Claudia Bing. Bing, Bing, Bing And Bing. 513 00:23:10,089 --> 00:23:14,525 -I've got a Blue Peter Badge. -Really? Well done! 514 00:23:14,627 --> 00:23:16,761 -Listen. I've got to go. -Go? 515 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:19,263 I'm sorry. I'm selling my half of the company. 516 00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:23,134 I've decided that Katy needs to get her face back on TV. 517 00:23:23,136 --> 00:23:27,104 -Where it belongs. -Of course she does. 518 00:23:27,106 --> 00:23:28,305 I think I could help. 519 00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:29,440 No. No. I know what you're up to. 520 00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:33,144 Sell me your half of the company. I'll get you back on TV. 521 00:23:33,146 --> 00:23:35,379 I've got Dale Winton in my pocket. 522 00:23:35,381 --> 00:23:37,281 -Done! -Hurrah! 523 00:23:37,283 --> 00:23:38,516 Oh, no! 524 00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:40,684 I will not be partners with her. 525 00:23:40,686 --> 00:23:42,553 Hard cheese. Tell you what. 526 00:23:42,555 --> 00:23:45,489 To get you back on your feet, why don't have I the whole thing 527 00:23:45,491 --> 00:23:48,626 and throw in couple of celebs, a Kylie or two. 528 00:23:49,562 --> 00:23:51,695 -I don't know. -Mmm? 529 00:23:51,697 --> 00:23:52,630 Um... 530 00:23:52,632 --> 00:23:53,764 All right. I suppose I have to. Look... 531 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:57,401 Kylie and a couple of the cancers, and for old time's sake, Lulu. 532 00:23:57,403 --> 00:24:00,337 Done! My people will talk to your... 533 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:01,772 To you! 534 00:24:03,009 --> 00:24:05,176 I want to show you my badge. 535 00:24:05,178 --> 00:24:06,310 Ooh! 536 00:24:06,312 --> 00:24:06,710 What happened? 537 00:24:06,712 --> 00:24:11,715 Yes! We're back in business. Back in business. Bubble... 538 00:24:12,652 --> 00:24:15,219 Take the desk. Take the desk. 539 00:24:15,755 --> 00:24:19,590 Memo to Lulu. The boat that you row may cross no ocean, 540 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:22,193 but I'll get you a British Airways ad. 541 00:24:28,401 --> 00:24:29,233 Mmm. 542 00:24:29,235 --> 00:24:32,636 A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. 543 00:24:32,772 --> 00:24:35,372 I think I'm feeling a little fullness. 544 00:24:35,374 --> 00:24:36,607 You can't have in two days. 545 00:24:36,609 --> 00:24:40,077 -Have you finished pithing that orange? -Yes. 546 00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:42,646 There are pans to be washed, Saffy my darling. 547 00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:46,383 You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake, 548 00:24:46,385 --> 00:24:49,253 taking in the nutmeggy fumes. 549 00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:52,723 Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf. 550 00:24:52,725 --> 00:24:53,624 (SIGHING) 551 00:24:53,626 --> 00:24:55,759 You're making so much mess. 552 00:24:55,761 --> 00:24:57,628 Oh, my cuticles. Will you look at those? 553 00:24:57,630 --> 00:25:00,064 I've so neglected them. They look terrible. 554 00:25:00,066 --> 00:25:01,298 (BEEPING) 555 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:02,099 Oh! 556 00:25:02,101 --> 00:25:04,668 Apple-syrup upside-down pie! 557 00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:08,973 I, uh... I think you need to get your levels checked. 558 00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:11,742 You should go back to the gynecologist. 559 00:25:11,744 --> 00:25:13,611 (HUMMING) 560 00:25:13,679 --> 00:25:15,012 There we are. 561 00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:17,548 I think your levels might be too strong. 562 00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:19,116 What are you saying? Martin said I'm perfect. 563 00:25:19,118 --> 00:25:24,455 I went to see him today. He managed to squeeze between a cyst and a hysterectomy. 564 00:25:24,457 --> 00:25:28,225 Now, can I have the icing sugar, please? And I'll do it. 565 00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:30,261 Your sieving skills let you down before. 566 00:25:30,263 --> 00:25:33,497 -Why are you doing this? -Don't you like me as I am? 567 00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:36,133 With hormones, I hate you more. 568 00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:38,302 Hello, darling. Had a good day at the office? 569 00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:39,136 Yes, darling. Fantastic. 570 00:25:39,138 --> 00:25:41,639 -Mum, do something! -Darling, go wash your hands. 571 00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:45,442 We're having TV dinners on trays in front of the telly. 572 00:25:45,611 --> 00:25:46,810 Ooh! 573 00:25:49,482 --> 00:25:52,383 # Don't go breaking my heart 574 00:25:53,286 --> 00:25:56,420 # I couldn't if I tried 575 00:25:57,323 --> 00:26:00,324 # Oh, honey, I get restless 576 00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:04,161 # Well, you're not that kind... 577 00:26:06,265 --> 00:26:09,099 -I do like her hair. -Do you? 578 00:26:09,368 --> 00:26:12,570 # You take the weight off of me 579 00:26:13,272 --> 00:26:16,574 # Oh, honey, when you knocked at my door 580 00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:20,311 # Ooh, I gave you my key 581 00:26:22,448 --> 00:26:24,415 # Ooh-ooh 582 00:26:24,717 --> 00:26:27,585 # Nobody knows it 583 00:26:28,187 --> 00:26:29,053 Mmm. 584 00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:31,255 -Wipe your mouth, Eddy. -Oh. 585 00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:33,324 Darling, do you want champagne? 586 00:26:33,326 --> 00:26:35,326 # Ooh-ooh 587 00:26:35,561 --> 00:26:37,661 # Nobody knows it 588 00:26:37,663 --> 00:26:38,429 # Nobody knows it # 589 00:26:38,431 --> 00:26:44,268 I'm so glad we didn't go out tonight. I've got something important to tell you. 590 00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:47,404 -What? -It is a little bit special. 591 00:26:47,406 --> 00:26:51,241 -Are you all right, darling? -Darling, I am much blessed. 592 00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:51,809 Why? 593 00:26:51,811 --> 00:26:55,012 -I'm going to have a baby. -No! 594 00:26:57,617 --> 00:27:00,284 -You can't! -I can! 595 00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:02,653 They found one egg at the hospital. 596 00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:05,222 But, darling, you haven't even got any ovaries. 597 00:27:05,224 --> 00:27:07,124 -What the doctor... -Yes, they were just hidden. 598 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,193 They found a couple lodged up under my ribs. 599 00:27:09,195 --> 00:27:11,128 That silly Arab doctor left them. 600 00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:12,563 I am going to have a baby. 601 00:27:12,565 --> 00:27:14,598 What about all the little sperm, darling? 602 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:19,670 I put in a successful bid at the auction. I've got a little vial of Mick Jagger's. 603 00:27:19,672 --> 00:27:23,240 Good old Mick. I thought we could put the two together tonight 604 00:27:23,242 --> 00:27:25,976 and have a re-planting ceremony. 605 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:26,677 (GAGGING) 606 00:27:26,679 --> 00:27:28,779 What do you mean? Wh... Where are they? 607 00:27:28,781 --> 00:27:31,448 -In the fridge downstairs. -No! 608 00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:37,588 No child should suffer you. 609 00:27:37,590 --> 00:27:42,493 Yeah but, darling, think about it. Patsy's hair, Mick's lips. 610 00:27:45,765 --> 00:27:46,630 No. 611 00:27:46,632 --> 00:27:49,667 -I want the spare room. -No. 612 00:27:50,369 --> 00:27:54,104 No, no, no! 613 00:27:57,777 --> 00:27:58,809 (GASPING) 614 00:27:58,811 --> 00:28:00,744 -Cheers, sweetie. -Cheers, darling. 615 00:28:00,746 --> 00:28:04,348 Have you got something in the oven? A little upside-down-y pie burning? 616 00:28:04,350 --> 00:28:05,382 -Or something... -Oh! 617 00:28:05,384 --> 00:28:08,385 Ed, one should never be the oldest thing in one's house. 618 00:28:08,387 --> 00:28:10,354 I'm not, darling. I've got Saff. 619 00:28:39,985 --> 00:28:41,051 Saff! 620 00:28:41,053 --> 00:28:43,120 -Saff! -Saffy! 621 00:28:43,723 --> 00:28:44,154 Saffy! 622 00:28:44,156 --> 00:28:47,157 Patsy needs changing, darling! Darling! 623 00:28:47,159 --> 00:28:49,460 Patsy needs changing! 624 00:28:50,329 --> 00:28:54,064 Eddy, let's dance, Eddy. Let's dance. Let's dance, Eddy. 625 00:28:54,066 --> 00:28:57,067 -(MONITOR BEEPING) -Let's dance, Eddy. Let's go. 626 00:28:57,069 --> 00:28:57,468 Let's dance. 627 00:28:57,470 --> 00:28:59,036 (SINGS) # Don't go breaking my heart 628 00:28:59,038 --> 00:29:00,437 -#Don't go breaking my heart. -#Look at my shoes... 629 00:29:00,439 --> 00:29:02,473 # Don't go breaking my heart 630 00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:04,675 # I couldn't if I tried... # 631 00:29:05,044 --> 00:29:07,077 (INDISTINCT SINGING) 632 00:29:10,149 --> 00:29:14,551 Oh, Eddy. Let's have some Bolly, darling. Some Bolly. 633 00:29:14,620 --> 00:29:16,086 (LAUGHING) 634 00:29:16,088 --> 00:29:17,988 Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick. 635 00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:19,723 He'll be there. (LAUGHS) 636 00:29:22,361 --> 00:29:24,027 There we are, Ed. 637 00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:25,262 (POPS) 49057

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