Original subtitles

TWIGGY: Hey!

-Is this your mother? -Let me handle this.

No, I know her.

I said, is this your mother?

Well, let me see. One white paw? Yes, that looks like her.

She's been sitting in our kitchen for two days.

Let me do this. You should look after her better. I could report you.

You know what, she always finds her own way back.

Poor old woman.

-Thank you! -TWIGGY: Come on, Leigh.

Will you be all right now love?

Leigh, we can't keep her.

Well, you shouldn't feed her!

I can't believe she lives this close. We'll have to move.

I found them, dear.

-Who? -The Madonna and Guy Itchy.

It's not Madonna. Get in the house!

Get back in the house. Get in that house!

Help! Help!

(YELLING ANGRILY) You will take the bloody photos and go out again,

you stupid old woman!

And don't come back until you find them!

-Was that Gran? -Yeah. I'm sending her out again, darling.

Mum!

Darling, I need Madonna and Guy Ritchie.

I mean they might drive by sooner or later. I know they live...

They live in the area...

What? And they'll see you washing the car, and realise you share

a common interest and become best friends?

Darling, I just want to be in Madonna's inner circle, sweetheart.

I want to huddle around her cool flame

with all those other over-excited girlfriends of hers, darling,

and hear her words of wisdom.

Lo, she has spoken! "Cowboy hats is back."

I'll tell you something, darling.

If the car washing doesn't work, I'm putting the house on the market again.

I know she's still looking.

She'd love this kitchen. Mmm.

-What's happened? -My business has folded!

-What? -Oh, yeah, darling. Down the pan and flushed.

Only, we've severed an artery and I'm hemorrhaging clients

at such a rate that death is now imminent.

But Madonna, darling...

Madonna could just be the little tourniquet, couldn't she, sweetheart...

-It can't be as bad as that. -Can't be as bad as that?

Most of them have gone to Claudia-bloody-Bing!

She lapped them up like a vampire, sweetheart.

I mean, honestly, if it goes on like this, I might be left, listen to this, darling...

I might be left with Twiggy

and Alcospray. And by the look on Twiggy's face just now,

Twiggy's a bit like that.

I mean, it's a disaster.

Oh, come on, Mum. You always survive somehow.

Yeah, always survive somehow

but not any more, darling, not now the world has changed.

I mean, there was a time when I was out there. I was hip. I was dangerous.

The zeitgeist blew from me, sweetheart.

I mean, I could pick up the lunch buzz at Momo and fly with it, darling.

You know, the more money you spent, the more you made. It was money on a loop.

But not any more, no.

Not any more, sweetheart.

Thanks to New Labour.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes, darling.

The eternally grinning, funless world

of New Labour.

All that hope, all that future, darling,

but you know something once the party's over,

you look around, you're still standing in the shit!

Nobody wants new things any more. It's retro, retro, retro.

Darling, we are skidding backwards into the 2000s on a slick of apology,

and that's not a world that thinks I'm that great!

-That is not the reason. -It is.

Well...

That and the fact that Bubble...

-Oh, here we go... -No, wait.

Bubble managed to push the wrong button and emailed

all my personal and my business letters to my whole address book.

I mean the whole world now knows my business.

That might have helped Claudia Bing a bit.

Why does that not surprise me? Now come on, Mum.

Pull yourself together and deal with this! It can't be that bad.

Not that bad?

I've got a PR company with no clients

and a TV company with no programs!

What's the good news, Shirley Temple?

-Hello! -Hi, hi, hi!

Just here to say that later today,

we'll be leaving.

There is a God!

The Kaballah didn't quite work out for us

so we're gonna go home...

We're gonna have a little rethink.

There are plenty of places the stars go to find God.

God is now a dot com and the stars are filling their baskets.

No, Bo. Just leave it.

You should spend more time at home.

I am not a Hollywood wife.

I can't do the meet and greet with a howdy smile.

I am not Candy Spelling.

We don't have a present-wrapping room.

I, um, I hardly recognised you just normal like this.

Hey, everybody's got a crowd of people inside of them.

I act out each one, yet I am myself.

"I am never alone, I am with myself."

Jane Fonda, Oprah, series four, show 97.

Well, goodbye and good riddance. You're not gonna be missed.

Oh, bless you for your honesty.

Give me your hand, pretty lady.

No. Shut up! Have Saff.

What can I say? What can't be said can't be said, and it can't be whistled either.

-Come on. Let's go see some sights. -Okay.

-Oh, maybe we can stop by Jerry Hall's house. -(MOANS)

(CHUCKLES) Hold up, my little bonsai tree.

I know you have dreams of running with the redwoods,

but you wouldn't last a second out there on your own.

Mum, instead of hanging around here, all day, I suggest you get into the office.

Darling, I am in the office.

We're having a TV conference brainstorming meeting.

I feel that if I can get that side of it up and running, darling,

I might be able to flog it to some sucker.

But why can't they hear me? Hello?

Sorry. Is this game shows or general interest?

I don't know.

But it's your idea.

Did I have an idea?

Whose pet is this?

-Whose pen is this? Oh, that's good.

-I like that. -Keep it, then.

What's in my pocket? Where am I?

Whose hands are these?

Why are we here?

Why can't they hear me? Hello? Hello?

It's ridiculous. And where's Katy Grin? She should bloody be there.

Do you want me to sort this Bing woman for you?

-Oh... -Always the hard man.

So, I'll have to go to the office now.

And hurry off.

Eddy, you need some fun, darling. Let's do something.

Let's go to Harvey Nicks and have lunch at Nobu.

Oh, we haven't done that for long.

All right, darling, I'll clear my desk.

-Mum! -I've got to have a life, haven't I?

I mean, work should just be the little side salad. Shouldn't it?

Hello. Alex? This is the mood board for next edition.

-Sex. Bitch. Aristo. -Punk.

-Sex. Punk. Whore. Bitch. -Prossie.

-Prossie. -Lessie. Punk. Tart.

-Slut. -Slut.

-Oh, but Alex, Alex? With lovely shoes. -Oh, yes.

There we are, darling.

Ooh, a little bit tense there, Eddy.

Yeah, darling. Relax, darling.

BOTH: Ooh...

-Ooh. -(CRACKING)

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

-Ow, Eddy! -What did you do?

-My arm! -What arm?

Oh, my God!

-Oh... -You've broken it!

-No. It's all right, it's all right. -She can't have broken it.

Eddy, just, just get my bag. I've got a few painkillers in there, I think, darling.

You couldn't have broken your arm...

-Where is it, darling? -Here, sweetheart, is it this? This?

-Oh, that's the one, darling. -Oh!

Oh!

(GROANS)

Stop it!

You need to go to a hospital.

No, no. I think I can do it. I just go...

-(CRACKING SOUND) -Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

I'll get a bandage!

No it's all right. It's just a little break. These things happen.

But, darling, you weren't doing anything. Just the choppety chop.

(MUMBLES)

(SIGHS) Last week I cracked my ankle just putting it into a Jimmy Choo.

-Oh! -What?

You need to see a doctor. You need to have some tests.

-No, it's all right. -Oh, darling...

Maybe I should take her to the hospital.

Oh, no, I just need a drink.

Mum, I will deal with this.

-I'll take care of the... -No, Mum, go work now!

(SIGHS)

I should have seen this coming.

(WHIMPERING) Saffy, Saff. Saffy.

Saff, darling.

(GASPS)

-Come on. -Oh.

Yes, I know I'm late, so don't look at me like that.

I've been up all night with the baby.

I don't know why it cries so much.

I've got friends who use exactly the same sperm bank and theirs is perfect.

Right. Ideas!

Give me names, faces, formats.

-(STAMMERS) A quiz! -With questions.

Personalities, celebrities.

Donna Air, Cat Deeley.

You can pick any one of the clones.

There once was an Anneka, who begat an Ulrika,

from whose career dip sprung a Davina.

All squirted from the same hole.

Like herpes they spread from TV-am,

armed only with the charm of incompetence.

I mean, if there's any presenting to be done, I'm doing it!

For Christ's sake!

If there's an earpiece to be worn, I'm wearing it!

-Candy! -Oh, Eds, darling.

Oh, darling!

Is Pats not with you?

No. She's got a bit of trouble.

Damn. Minge and I are trying to get a group of us to go to Annabels

after the Vidal Sassoon gala.

-The Hair Ball? -Mmm.

It's gonna be rather a laugh actually. Hugh Grant's going to be there.

Mick Jagger. Mind you, I know Mick Jagger's a jumping scrotum with lips now,

but I know that Patsy likes him.

And Hugh's improved immeasurably since he lost the old flop.

-Liz Hurley? -No. His hair.

-Oh, his hair. His hair. -Are you going to come?

Yeah, will see you down there later.

Eh-oh, stinky winky. I think he needs a drink.

-His nose is very dry. -Leave him alone.

-See you later. -See you later.

You, Bubble. Listen...

You're still here?

Oh, God. Claudi-bloody-Bing.

What do you want? Come to gawk?

Come to squeeze the last drop of blood from the kill?

No. Hold that.

I just thought I'd see how big this office is.

I mean, if you're going out of business, I might be interested.

Ow!

I can't stay. I just thought I'd pop my head in to say hi and thank you.

What a day I've got, thanks to you. Let's see.

De La Soul press junket. A relaunch and a re-lunch.

A Versace golf tournament.

Free Tibet Gala Dinner, yum yum.

A press night. A premiere. Photocall. A promotion.

I've got M.E. And M.S., which is wonderful.

-You go to the palace. -Yeah, I know!

I've sat next to Camilla twice now.

D'ya know, she's almost pretty in the flesh.

I adore Davina McCall's baby.

But, frankly, you can keep Alan Titchmarsh,

Vagina Monologues, and drug abuse. Edina, I feel awfully bad.

Well, don't. I've been in tighter spots.

I shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes with... Twiggy.

-Oh, dear. -Claudia, you're here.

-Twiggy! -Twiggy!

Now look, Edina, I've just come to tell you I'm going with Claudia now.

-But, but... -But what? You deserve this.

You're one of the most selfish, thoughtless people I've ever met.

-Look to your right. -It's always you, you...

You orbit Planet You. You are your own moon. You moon yourself.

Thank God. It's not a sight I'd relish.

What have you done for me? You've done nothing!

Oh, what was it? Fisting... Fists Across America. Gay Pride.

Oh, don't start. Look, I'm really sorry, Claudia.

No, no, don't worry. All this is just touching the G-spot.

Come on, Twigs. Have you got your bikini? We're doing a swimathon for poorly goldfish.

-Aw. The ones in the news? -Yes.

Ah. Oh, by the way. Your mum's back with us now.

And I told Leigh he can keep her this time.

Oh, every cloud does have a silver lining.

Again! Again!

(YELPING WITH PAIN)

EDINA: Psst! Darling?

-How's the patient? -Mum, can you sit down?

Hello, darling. Oh, darling. Twiggy's left me.

-Aww. -Aww...

-But I saw Candy. -Oh.

-Are we going to the Hair Ball? -Oh...

Mick's gonna be there. There's gonna be an auction.

Oh, darling, I don't think I can. But I might phone in a couple of bids.

-Mum. -Did you go to the hospital?

-Yes. And to the gynecologist. -I hate gynecologists.

A man who can look you in the vagina, but never in the eye.

EDINA: Yes.

I hate them.

I mean mine, darling, he hangs around between women's legs

like most men hang out in a garage. Just tinkering. Just tinkers!

-Mum? -Yeah.

Patsy's got osteoporosis.

She has the lowest bone density on record.

Oh, cheers. Well done, darling. Well done.

She is just gristle clinging on to bone powder!

This is what happens when you have the menopause.

-No! -No! No!

-No, darling, no. It can't be. -I'm 42.

She's 42!

Besides that, darling, she's never had all the...

You've never had an ovary. That's what the doctor in Algiers said.

-Yeah... -I've always had thin bones.

I mean it's nothing to do with anything.

Anyway, darling, you just get a patch, don't you?

Just get a patch! Mum, there are side effects.

How many times have I nearly overdosed? I think I can survive a patch!

(LAUGHS)

No!

No. Now I think you should be aware of all the options.

And am thinking of you as well, Mum.

-No, darling. -It will happen, Mum.

-EDINA: No... -That's why I've organised a meeting upstairs.

-What meeting? -The local M.A.

-Ma? -Ma?

Menopausals Anonymous.

-(GASPS) -No, sweetheart!

No!

You will do this.

You will learn about this and you will take control.

Because, frankly, if you don't...

(BELL CHIMES)

Saffy!

All gone, darling.

All gone, darling.

Go get it.

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

(BONE CRACKS)

-My leg! -A splint, darling!

And a sp... spliff.

(LAUGHS)

A spliff and a splint!

(SNAPPING) Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. What happened then?

My life just flashed in front of me.

What was it like, darling? A Bergman film without the jokes?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh! Did you say there are menopausals upstairs, darling?

-Yes. -On my furniture?

Are you mad?

Where are the bin bags? Where are the bin bags?

I've read about them, darling. One sneeze and the floodgates open.

Bin bags!

-We'll just pack quickly and go home. -Okay, honey.

(SNIFFING)

-Leave it, Bo. -I smell a group.

Leave it, Bo.

You go ahead and pack. I'll be right with you.

(CONTINUES SNIFFING)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -(GASPING)

All right, bin bags. Everyone sit on a bin bag.

Sit on a bin bag. Body coasters.

Body coasters, everyone. You, off there, on a bloody bin bag.

Get on the bin bags.

-Are you not staying, darling? -Oh, no. I'm all right.

Gone through it already, I suppose.

No!

I think we should leave.

I can feel the hormones being leeched from me as we speak.

If you wanna watch it, you'll just leave here being worn as a patch.

-Sit down! -Eddie I don't want to stay here with this

-sweaty load of fanny-obsessed heifers. -No.

EDINA: Sitting on my furniture.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Damn! Damn!

Oh, God.

-Right, everyone, let's kick off. -No. I'm taking the meeting.

(CHUCKLES)

Catriona, lovey?

Right. My name is Catriona.

Um, I don't think that I have actually got the menopause.

Um, although I do have to do the checklist before I leave the house

to ensure I don't go out without my trousers on.

Again.

I'm sensing denial.

I'm sensing armpit.

I'm sensing pubic sideburns and sweaty ones at that.

Hello. My name is Beth de Woody. I just want to share a few horrors.

At night, I can't sleep,

but at the wheel of a speeding car, I'm out like a light.

Does anyone else have symptoms from these pills?

Like, I don't know, um, three nipples?

-Yeah. -All right. Hello. My name is Beth de Woody.

I'm have three heart attacks a day

and my skin thinks it's in the Congo. Otherwise, I'm fine.

My doctor says I should stop taking the pills,

but that's what a man would say.

I mean, what do they have to do, let their belt out a couple of notches

and join a golf club!

There are alternatives.

No. Not the testosterone implant.

-For some people they work. -Oh, yeah.

Tell that to Marly Quinberg. They turned her into a overheated sex maniac.

But I've got them. She should come and see me.

The woman cannot walk.

Overheated and oversexed.

She gave herself an accidental cliterectomy with a hand fan!

Hi. Hi. I'm Bo Chrysalis.

Could I just ask what this meeting's for?

Is this angry divorcees or...

Croning?

No. The menopause, Bo.

Oh. We don't have that in America.

We don't believe in it. Certainly not in L.A.

-What? Are you nuts? -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Sisters, come on, come on! This meeting's going nowhere.

My name is Jobo and I'm happy to be having the menopause.

I have hot flushes and memory loss.

-Well done! -(CLAPPING)

And sometimes when I sneeze, I pee.

Beth de Woody.

The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass!

Patsy Stone. I hope you're wearing thick pants!

Yes!

Edina Monsoon. Stand on the bloody bin bag!

God!

Womb prayer, everybody. Womb prayer.

EDINA: No!

ALL: Embrace the dryness.

Love your womb.

Come down, Lilith, and suck up our juices and blow back wisdom!

-Group hug, everyone. -EDINA: No! No!

Saff! Saff!

(BONE CRACKING)

God, who was that?

Beth de Woody!

Marshall, Marshall, where do the stars go to have the menopause?

Montana, and a small clinic in Arizona.

Well, hitch up the horses. We're going west.

Oh!

Are you going into the office?

Yeah. I suppose I'll have to.

See if I can make Alcospray into... (MUMBLES)

-What is it? I've never heard of it. -Oh, thank you.

It's spray booze, darling. Great for kids.

Come on, what is it you always say?

Bad is the new good, crap is the new fantastic.

This is what you're good at.

All I used to be good at, darling.

I mean, I can't cook. I can't knit. I can't sew. I can't sing.

Thank God.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, well, that is a 64 million dollar question, isn't it, darling?

We'd all like to know that.

Uh, I need some brain food, darling.

Get me some wheatgerm and some grass juice.

No.

What am I supposed to do, then?

-Why don't you go and suck a lawn? -Oh!

Because, darling, by the time I got there,

Claudia Bing would already have it sucked, that's why.

-Morning, Ed. -Oh, morning, Pats.

Did she stay over?

Sweetheart, she couldn't remember where she lived,

and I thought it was safer, you know.

-Also, now that Bo and Marshall... -No.

-Lovely empty spare room. -No!

-Yeah, but... -No.

Damn you.

How are you doing with the patch?

-Oh, I feel bit better. -Yeah?

Yes, well, you'll need a new one.

-Is the old one still there? -Why don't you look?

She might crack her neck, darling.

This is the last time I do this.

(RIPPING)

(SLAPPING)

-Oh, pills! -Oh, pills!

-Alternative remedies. -BOTH: Oh...

FHT, DDT, MYT, belladonna, ergotamine, black kohosh, and dong.

Ooh! Dong! Thank you nurse.

Dong.

Anything to bring you back from the freeze-dried granules, darling.

What are you doing today?

Well I thought I'd ring and find out if I got anything at the auction.

I'll see you later. I've got to go in the office.

I think I'm going to sell off the old TV thing, you know.

It's losing me more money than Pearl Harbor.

I tell I you something, if I don't, darling...

(CLANGING)

The death knell ringeth.

"Eh-oh. Alcospray gone bust. Me tubby bye bye."

Oh, hello. Bubble's gone, but if there's anything you need, I'm here.

I don't know why you employed her.

I don't know.

She was like a little work of art, you know...

A sort of conceptual installation, the concept of a PA.

But frankly, I'd have been better off with a painting of a secretary.

-Very pretty cardigan. -No.

We've also got theoretical marketing strategies

and global internet tie-ins.

So all we need is the programmes.

Oh, and we had one idea today, which was a quiz.

What are you talking about? Why are you still here?

-Show me that. -No, no.

Damn you, damn you.

-Is it a TV company? -No.

No, it's not a TV company.

It's a multinational media, cable and satellite network

with Murdoch airspace and strategic programming WAP tie-ins.

Yeah.

I own some pretty expensive air up there.

-You sneaky little... -I am branded. Sss!

You may have all the meat, all the celebrity cattle,

but frankly, you know something, I was quite glad to offload them.

-Oh! -Yeah.

This is the future, babe. This is the future.

We're in pre-pre...

Almost pre-production for quizzes.

We've got... Uh... Have I Got Shoes For You.

Donatella's on hold for that one.

I mean, this is bigger than all the dot coms put together.

I'm surprised you're not into this.

-Oh, my God! -What?

-What? -Is it?

-What? -Is it...

I don't believe it. Katy Grin.

Yes. She's my TV partner.

But I love her. I used to watch her on Blue Peter.

-Hello, Katy. -Hello.

Claudia Bing. Bing, Bing, Bing And Bing.

-I've got a Blue Peter Badge. -Really? Well done!

-Listen. I've got to go. -Go?

I'm sorry. I'm selling my half of the company.

I've decided that Katy needs to get her face back on TV.

-Where it belongs. -Of course she does.

I think I could help.

No. No. I know what you're up to.

Sell me your half of the company. I'll get you back on TV.

I've got Dale Winton in my pocket.

-Done! -Hurrah!

Oh, no!

I will not be partners with her.

Hard cheese. Tell you what.

To get you back on your feet, why don't have I the whole thing

and throw in couple of celebs, a Kylie or two.

-I don't know. -Mmm?

Um...

All right. I suppose I have to. Look...

Kylie and a couple of the cancers, and for old time's sake, Lulu.

Done! My people will talk to your...

To you!

I want to show you my badge.

Ooh!

What happened?

Yes! We're back in business. Back in business. Bubble...

Take the desk. Take the desk.

Memo to Lulu. The boat that you row may cross no ocean,

but I'll get you a British Airways ad.

Mmm.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

I think I'm feeling a little fullness.

You can't have in two days.

-Have you finished pithing that orange? -Yes.

There are pans to be washed, Saffy my darling.

You can't hang around me all day in my languorous wake,

taking in the nutmeggy fumes.

Oh, how I'm longing to see my browning loaf.

(SIGHING)

You're making so much mess.

Oh, my cuticles. Will you look at those?

I've so neglected them. They look terrible.

(BEEPING)

Oh!

Apple-syrup upside-down pie!

I, uh... I think you need to get your levels checked.

You should go back to the gynecologist.

(HUMMING)

There we are.

I think your levels might be too strong.

What are you saying? Martin said I'm perfect.

I went to see him today. He managed to squeeze between a cyst and a hysterectomy.

Now, can I have the icing sugar, please? And I'll do it.

Your sieving skills let you down before.

-Why are you doing this? -Don't you like me as I am?

With hormones, I hate you more.

Hello, darling. Had a good day at the office?

Yes, darling. Fantastic.

-Mum, do something! -Darling, go wash your hands.

We're having TV dinners on trays in front of the telly.

Ooh!

# Don't go breaking my heart

# I couldn't if I tried

# Oh, honey, I get restless

# Well, you're not that kind...

-I do like her hair. -Do you?

# You take the weight off of me

# Oh, honey, when you knocked at my door

# Ooh, I gave you my key

# Ooh-ooh

# Nobody knows it

Mmm.

-Wipe your mouth, Eddy. -Oh.

Darling, do you want champagne?

# Ooh-ooh

# Nobody knows it

# Nobody knows it #

I'm so glad we didn't go out tonight. I've got something important to tell you.

-What? -It is a little bit special.

-Are you all right, darling? -Darling, I am much blessed.

Why?

-I'm going to have a baby. -No!

-You can't! -I can!

They found one egg at the hospital.

But, darling, you haven't even got any ovaries.

-What the doctor... -Yes, they were just hidden.

They found a couple lodged up under my ribs.

That silly Arab doctor left them.

I am going to have a baby.

What about all the little sperm, darling?

I put in a successful bid at the auction. I've got a little vial of Mick Jagger's.

Good old Mick. I thought we could put the two together tonight

and have a re-planting ceremony.

(GAGGING)

What do you mean? Wh... Where are they?

-In the fridge downstairs. -No!

No child should suffer you.

Yeah but, darling, think about it. Patsy's hair, Mick's lips.

No.

-I want the spare room. -No.

No, no, no!

(GASPING)

-Cheers, sweetie. -Cheers, darling.

Have you got something in the oven? A little upside-down-y pie burning?

-Or something... -Oh!

Ed, one should never be the oldest thing in one's house.

I'm not, darling. I've got Saff.

Saff!

-Saff! -Saffy!

Saffy!

Patsy needs changing, darling! Darling!

Patsy needs changing!

Eddy, let's dance, Eddy. Let's dance. Let's dance, Eddy.

-(MONITOR BEEPING) -Let's dance, Eddy. Let's go.

Let's dance.

(SINGS) # Don't go breaking my heart

-#Don't go breaking my heart. -#Look at my shoes...

# Don't go breaking my heart

# I couldn't if I tried... #

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

Oh, Eddy. Let's have some Bolly, darling. Some Bolly.

(LAUGHING)

Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick.

He'll be there. (LAUGHS)

There we are, Ed.

(POPS)