Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

What are all these here? What are these ones?

-Is it blue? -I don't know.

I'm trying to get sorted, I'm trying to get organised.

-What is that, a downer, what is it? -I don't know, is it labelled?

-It's not labelled! -Well, it's just, er...

Mmm!

(MUMBLING APPRECIATIVELY)

(MUTTERING)

The shit on TV. Look at the shit...

-Oh, what? -Shit, look at that! Katy Grin!

People have been doing some crazy things.

(SHOUTS) I can barely hear myself think.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

There's been bathing in baked beans, sponsored beard shaving,

and someone even hopped all the way here tonight with a cake on their head!

Amazing! (LAUGHS)

She looks like a gerbil caught in the headlights.

It's the face on the mosquito before it hits your windshield.

And we've managed to raise the grand total of £23.50 from Denham's department store.

Wowee! Haven't we done well.

So, oh, oh, yeah, see you later in the studio, around, um, 2 a.m.

(CHUCKLES) (YAWNS)

Bye.

(SIGHS)

Can you stop hopping now?

That's why you don't want to be a celebrity, Eddy.

-I do. (MUMBLES) -No, darling, you don't wanna be one of those skinny bitches

who sticks on two patches of Elastoplast and a bit of dental floss

and calls it an outfit!

You don't want to whap your fanny out at a prem.

-Or slither your tits out in the back of a taxi... -I do, darling.

No, they're just trash, sweetheart,

they're just mag fillers, they're just recycled vomit.

I mean, the whole thing, it's just recycled smut.

They come back again and again.

They just recategorise, stuff them up their arsehole, vomit them out...

You're not listening to me! You're not listening to what I'm trying to say to you!

-If I was going to strip... -No!

Stop, stop, stop!

If I was going to strip...

-No! -Wait!

(STUTTERS) I would have to think about it very hard.

I mean, I would do it for the right reasons, darling, I would.

What are you talking about?

-Going nude for Cosmo, darling. -No!

Yes, darling. Now they want celebrities to go nude for Cosmo, darling.

(NERVOUSLY) It would be very tasteful. I'd have control. Really.

No, darling, there's not enough Vaseline in the world,

there's not enough screw on a camera lens, to make that acceptable.

Oh, stop it! I just want to be famous!

Oh, darling, you just want someone to look at you sometimes.

I know. I just want them to look at me...

The person that I'm not, you know, just once,

before all the juice gets out of the carton...

(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING)

What was that?

-(BEEPING CONTINUES) -(MUMBLES)

What the hell is that?

Oh, Eddy.

Is it...

Is it a bee?

-Um, Kasha? -(STUTTERS) Yeah?

-You're moving your arms too much. -Right.

Do you really want it done this rigidly?

Yes. That's how I wrote it.

SARAH: Ooh.

I quite admire you, actually.

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

Oh, where is it, Eddy, where is it?

-Is it a bee? -I don't know.

(WHISPERING) It's down there. You go, you go, you go.

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

-Where is it, darling? -Find it, Eddy, Kill it!

(WHIMPERING) Eddy. Find it, kill it!

-Kill it, kill it. -Darling, we need more drink.

Don't leave me here! Don't leave me here!

Darling, get the drink.

(CLATTERING AND CLINKING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

-Ah! It's on me. It's here. It's on me. -(GASPING)

The bee's on me. Darling, take it off me. (SCREAMING)

Oh, it's on me! It's on me! It's on me!

Oh!

-(BEEPING CONTINUES) -(NERVOUSLY) What is it?

Oh, it's a small shoe.

It's my phone. It's my phone.

-Phone? Hello? Hello? -(STATIC CRACKLING)

-It's crunching. -Is it the heavy breather?

-No, it's not heavy breather. -Let me just... Is it obscene?

Is it your stalker?

The only way to deal with a stalker is to cut off his stalk.

No, darling... He's not my stalker. I met my stalker.

He'd got the wrong person. He was very nice, very apologetic.

MAN: Mum! Mum! Listen to me.

I have to get out of here.

Help! Help.

Is that Serge?

Mum, are you listening?

-Who? -Serge, my son. Serge! Is that Serge?

-Mum! -What?

It's Serge, hello, darling.

It's Mama. Mama's here, sweetheart! Mama's here!

Eddy! Darling, you're very stoned, sweetheart,

we're paranoid, you know, just hallucinating.

This is Serge. This is Serge.

Hello, darling, I'm coming, Mama's going to help you, darling

I'm going to call the police. I'm going to call the police.

Not the police! Not the filth! Not the pigs! Not the porkies!

I've got to help him.

I'm changing my agent.

Oh, really? Why?

He pigeonholed me.

(STUTTERS) What as?

Uncastable.

Um, Saffy, can I give you a lift? I've got my car.

Maybe go for a drink.

No, thank you, I've got my bicycle.

(MOUTHING)

-Ooh! -Shut it!

(MUMBLING ANXIOUSLY)

-What's going on? -(SCREAMING) Oh!

I'm a registered addict. Oh, it's you.

Where's Mum?

(PANTING) She's downstairs, with the squeaky shoes, she's with the Mets,

you know, the fuzz, the pigs, the porkers,

our friends with the talking brooches.

The police? Oh, what's happened?

(WHISPERING) Downstairs...

He rang me on that phone. My son.

You've obviously had a night of it.

I've had one drink.

-What's happened, Mum? -Oh, darling, thank God you're here.

-Tell them I'm not mad, sweetheart. -What is it?

Your mother seems to be under the impression that your brother has been kidnapped.

He has been kidnapped! Has been.

She received a call from him in which he was pleading for help.

What?

Yes.

-Serge? -Yes, Serge, darling...

Do you have any idea of your brother's whereabouts?

Your mother didn't seem to.

Just because he doesn't ring every half hour doesn't mean he doesn't live, love...

Love me. Darling, where is he? Where is he, darling?

He's at the bottom of the Atlantic in a submarine studying plate movements.

-What plates? What plates? -Listen...

We're very busy.

Why don't you just call us if you hear any more. We'll see ourselves out.

What you got a night shoot on The Bill?

What's the matter with you?

Honestly, darling, he rang me, sweetheart.

Well, why don't you check the last received call?

Last received call... Last received call...

You didn't flush everything, did you, darling?

Look at this. Look at this, darling.

That's not a number I recognise. Let's see.

(MOBILE RINGS)

(MOBILE RINGS LOUDER)

Is that your...

Oh, I think my phone must have gone off by mistake.

But, I heard... I heard Serge. Were you with Serge?

I think you must have heard my rehearsals.

I heard Ser...

(NERVOUSLY) I've written a play.

-What? -A play. It's, um...

It's about my life and it was a scene someone playing Serge rehearsing.

(GASPS) Am I in it? Am I? Am I?

Yes!

(GASPS) You've written a play about me?

No. It's about me.

Darling, someone's doing it! You're doing a play about me...

Let's talk about this in the morning.

Darling, you've written a play about me? Oh, God... (MUMBLES)

(SCREAMING) Why?

You little piece of dribble piss.

Mum...

It's only on for a week in a very small venue.

What are you worried about?

Because, darling, I know the kind of little play you will have written.

It'll make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the-Bloody-Pooh, won't it?

It will be the truth. Is that what you find threatening?

Your truth! Your twisted little arse-wipe truth.

You'll have to stop it.

No. No, I won't.

And do you know why?

Because I need to do this.

I need to drag the poison from me.

I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat for all these years.

To shout it openly.

(BOTH MOCKING)

I mean, for Christ's sake, darling, you're 20...

Why can't you just move on? Move on.

You should have had her adopted.

I wish you had.

You tried to and I wish you had.

I used to dream of lovely families.

You had a family!

I live with you and that piece of flint!

You dragged me up!

I glimpsed into worlds I should have known nothing about,

worlds with no morals and no responsibilities.

And not just glimpsed,

you took my face with your four hands and pushed it up against the window!

We should have pushed it through.

I've got morals!

How can you say that?

You burnt and scarred my best friend!

-Who? -Titicaca.

Oh.

Her name is Sarah.

Darling, she was standing with her little pigtails too close to a candle!

Act of God.

You were holding the candle.

Christ! She got a therapist on insurance!

For God's sake, I am not going to feel guilty about this!

No, because to do that you'd have to go beneath the surface,

and I don't think there's a drill strong enough to crack that crust!

God, you are so ungrateful. You are so ungrateful!

There are... Some people, you know, think I'm pretty great.

(WHISPERING) Pats?

Stop this now, Eddy. It's just not important.

Oh, yeah, no, no, it's not important.

Not as important as considering the future of the structured handbag,

or swing macs or pom-pom sweaters.

Not important to a woman whose job

is to invent random adjectives for pointless clothing!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

You had everything!

You had everything I never had.

No. You took it.

I was always alone.

Mum never took me on holiday!

-I did! -Prove it!

Where are the photos? Where are any photos of me?

Well, we didn't have cameras in those days!

God! Honestly! Why do you always want proof? You always want proof!

Eddy, we took her to the park!

Yes, we took you to the park.

# Don't you ever Stop being dandy

# Showing me you're handsome

# Don't you ever Don't you ever

# Stop being dandy

# Showing me you're handsome

# Prince Charming Prince Charming

# Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

# Don't you ever Don't you ever

# Stop being dandy...

PATSY: Eddy, look, Eddy.

# Don't you ever Don't you ever... #

It comes back.

My life is like a constant winter.

Yeah, well, she never thawed, did she?

No, rigor mortis set in during puberty.

Yes, she's so cold,

I bet she has her periods in cubes.

(LAUGHS)

Mum, I am not doing this because I hate you. I only want to be loved.

Well, darling, so do I, sweetheart.

There you are, Patsy.

I wonder if you could help me.

I need a strong pair of hands.

I've got a wardrobe stuck on the stairs.

Oh, sure, Mrs M.

Oh, thank you, dear. I'm giving it to sheltered housing.

-Sweetheart, you know Mama loved you, darling. -Mum...

You were never here.

Well, I got you a nanny.

No. I always had to look after myself.

You've done a very good job, darling.

Oh, darling!

Darling, will you answer Mama a question, darling?

A very serious question, darling.

And I want you to be honest with me, all right?

Even though you think it might hurt me, you've got to say, all right?

Darling?

How fat is the woman playing me?

Mum...

(SNIFFLES)

In this whole world there will never be anyone as fat as you!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Hello, Dad. -Darling.

-Come in. -Thanks, thanks.

-Um, Dad, Mum knows. -Yeah.

Oh, my God!

How? When?

-I mean, I shouldn't be here. -No, please, Dad. It's all right.

No, no, cancel everything. I'll pay the actors.

Please, I really need your support on this.

Okay.

Justin.

Pats.

And I don't know anything about it.

Oh, no, Gran, Mum knows now.

Knows what, dear?

About the play.

What play, dear?

Oh, Dad, stop worrying. There's nothing she can do. It'll be all right.

I'm sure she's not as bad as you make out.

Why don't you just cut some of the scenes?

-No, Dad. -I'll give you some money.

We've got to kill this play.

Come on, how would I normally ensure a flop?

Promote it.

Why bother, Eddy? Look, it's only theatre.

It's only rows of people sitting in the dark facing in the same direction

not enjoying themselves, darling.

It's just not important.

Ooh! You'll have to write something.

Write something in the papers about her. Come on, darling.

You know, do the dirty.

You must have an article in you somewhere.

Several, I should imagine.

No, no, no! I'm going to go on Ricki Lake,

Montel, Trisha.

Think of titles, think of titles, think of titles!

"I left my husband for a kidney bean.

"And now he wants it back?"

BUBBLE: Oh! Ooh!

EDINA: Read it, read it.

-What do you want? -Be kind, Saff.

-Sorry. -I bring you an ulti...

-"Matimum"? Oh, "matum"! -"Matum."

From your mother.

You must cancel the play or she will be forced to spread bad word

and, eh, go on Ricki Lake.

Or similar to do "I left my husband for a kidney..."

No! The other one.

To do "Dirty daughter did the devious on me

"and stabbed me in the throat."

She will show no mercy in the defecation of your character.

-Mum! Come here. -JUSTIN: Oh, no.

Stupid, stupid girl!

I will do that, you know. I will do that.

Well, it opens tonight, so I think you'd be a little late.

Oh, shit!

Is he in it? Is he in it, darling? I hope you've put him in it.

I could tell you a few stories about him.

Being married to him was like being married to an antique shop, darling,

full of crap and always closed!

Old wood, aren't you?

-Dad? -No, whatever you're thinking, Saff, don't go there.

No, no. Show Mum the photo you have of me in your wallet.

(MOCKING) "Show me the photo you've got in your wallet."

(MUMBLING)

What is this, darling? Is that little Saffy?

-Is that little Saffy? -Oh, for God's sake,

it's only a play! I'm sorry, Saff.

You don't even go to the theatre.

You don't know anybody that goes to the theatre.

-It's not going to touch your life at all! -Oh, shut up!

(SOBBING)

-Stop it! -Can I go?

No, you can't go.

-Stay. -But I'm being picked up.

Oh, this better be good.

Black matter is dragging us towards eternal dalmatian.

And before long we will be cloned and turned into sheep.

So to avoid this fate, I am being picked up by a spaceship

that's hidden in the tail of an approaching comet.

-(DOORBELL BUZZING) -That'll be them, buzzing now.

Don't be so stupid.

Have you got a purple tablecloth and gym shoes?

-No. -Then stay, you're staying.

-Hi, hi, hi. -EDINA: Oh, great.

Don't be scared, it's only us.

Shalom.

Full horror movie cast list now, isn't it?

Just ignore her, ignore her.

What happened to you?

Oh! Marshall is a rabbi now.

We thought if Steven Seagal can be a lama, what the hell!

Abundance, holiness and purity to you.

Well sung, honey.

-Please, sit down. -Oh! Thank you.

Have you come to see the play?

Play, what play?

We don't see plays. We only see movies.

-It's all right. Mum knows now. Please! Have a drink. -Oh, thank you.

This isn't a party, darling! This is hell!

I'm sensing tension.

Leave it, Bo.

Listen, a guest for a while can see for a mile,

as Rabbi Yunni Yardeni said on Letterman.

Come on! Hand over the red thread. There is healing to be done.

Well, you better be careful. This is expensive stuff!

Oh, don't be stupid, I bought it wholesale at the fabric store.

-Huh. -Hi!

Hi! Shed your evil shell.

Shed your...

You don't have an evil shell, do you? You're precious.

Okay.

Ooh, there's some evil in you. Don't try to lie.

-Exciting. -More thread over here.

Oh, God, all eyes on me.

It's what you always wanted, Eddy.

Yesterday, you were going centre spread, full tit and minge.

No, darling, that would have been airbrushed, wouldn't it?

I'd have control over that. This is just going to be...

-Raw meat. -Yeah.

Porn.

Oh, darling, we don't care what people think about us.

# Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

# Prince Charming

-Come on, darling. # Prince Charming

-Do it, Eddy. # Ridicule is nothing to be scared of #

I've found an eye.

Now I need a mouth.

-How cute! -A mouth!

Take my mother-in-law, please.

Marshall, you're a rabbi, not Jackie Mason.

He gets so confused.

Why are you doing this?

The Kabbalah.

In Los Angeles, the Kabbalah groups have the best parties,

all the big stars are there and a couple of Jews.

You know, we've had to sacrifice so much.

We can no longer smell our fingers after we eat.

We can only have sex once a month through a tiny little hole in a sheet.

I should imagine that's quite a relief for you.

You did bring the sheet, didn't you, hon?

-Saff, I have to go. -Okay, Dad.

-You will be there? -Yes, yes, of course!

Gesundheit. (CHUCKLES)

See, I'm nearly fluent in Hebrew.

No, Bo, you just bring up phlegm.

All I need is an ear.

God, this wig is so hot.

It cost me a fortune.

It's one of Barbra Streisand's old wigs.

Papa, can you hear me?

Barbra's here. Barbra's here.

Papa, can you see me?

People, people who need people.

Let's get physical... That's Olivia.

Barbra?

Will you be able to last the play, Marshall?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -And what time is kick-off?

Oh! It's a play, Gran. Curtain up.

Oh, I will, dear. Is it chilly out?

Marshall has coped with everything except the Jewish food.

Yesterday, he had diarrhoea so bad, he almost laid his own kidneys.

-Bo! -It's true. Okay, let's go.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Okay.

Mum, I think you should come. Here's a ticket.

God, why have so many people got to go in tonight?

I haven't seen a face go in.

Yeah, but that means nothing.

People who matter don't have to have a face.

-Is she here? -No, no. Not yet.

Oh, you look great, Saff. You don't look so good.

She won't come.

Anyway, I don't care either way.

Oh! I thought I was late. Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. I wish everyone would stop saying that.

MARSHALL: You look great.

-Have a swig? -No, thank you.

-Have one. -No.

(BELL RINGS)

Great! Come on! Let's go. Quick.

-This is it, is it? -JUSTIN: Good luck.

Feels like I'm watching my own funeral.

Oh, darling. The snivelling little bitch has written a piece of shit. That's all.

It's not you. It's vomit, it's bilge...

Yeah, what if it isn't? What if it's great?

Darling, it'll be flap-snot. Let's go.

Come on. Let's just go watch that little bit of flap-snot.

I'm so nervous.

I'm sorry, there's no smoking.

-Oh, don't be so stupid! -I'm sorry.

-Don't be so bloody stupid! -I'm sorry...

Move up, please. Excuse me, excuse me.

(SHUSHING)

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

I don't know.

(WHISPERING) Saff! Saff!

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

This is a story of a self-raising flower.

Oh, shut up!

I am that flower.

I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat there for all these years.

I need to shout it openly.

Piss off!

This is my story.

WOMAN: Saffy!

Saff!

Shit, Eddy!

Look at me, look at me, look at Mama.

Do you think I'm fat?

STAGE SAFFY: I don't know what to say.

STAGE EDINA: Can you just try and be more Western in your thinking, darling?

She had tried every fad diet

and every fad drug that has ever existed

and still somehow she remains two stone overweight.

(STAGE EDINA GASPS)

-One stone! -One stone!

I was dragged up by my mother and a piece of flint.

Oh, you little bitch troll from hell.

You miserable piece of filth.

You know, when Ed said she was pregnant, I told her to abort.

Abort, abort, abort, I said.

Chuck it down the pan and bring me a...

Knitting needle?

BOTH: A knitting needle!

I'm good, Eddy.

You are my son, my son!

-I'm going far, far away. -No!

To the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean or the South Pole.

Cut the umbilical cord, Mum!

-I have to go. -(SOBS)

Oh. (SOBBING) No! No!

I just need a few little crutches to help me through life, sweetie.

-You have absolved yourself of responsibility. -(SARAH WHISPERING)

You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis!

Someone chooses what you wear and what you eat,

and then three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum

and flushes it all out for you.

I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie?

If you mean the time that you sat on my bed

and shook me awake at 2:00 in the morning,

and then, stoned out of your brain, slurred into my ear,

"Oh, by the way, sweetie, people have it off."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Then, yes, you told me the facts of life.

Good. Well, any little gaps you want me to fill you in on, just let me know.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I knew it was a comedy. Go for it, kids.

What was my birth like?

STAGE EDINA: Your birth?

From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you.

However, the day after...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What a terrible lot they are, dear.

It reminds me of home.

The tits are bigger than mine, Eddy, but otherwise she's fantastic.

You never gave me anything!

I gave you that hamster!

You mean kitten.

Whatever happened to my kitten?

I live a sentence unapproved,

but not overruled by heaven.

(BOTTLE CORK POPS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, go on. Go on, Eddy.

(INAUDIBLE)

EDINA: Saff?

Saff, sweetheart?

Darling, it's Mama.

Darling? Darling?

(MEOWING)

-Stop it, Mum. -It's not me, darling.

-It's not me, sweetheart. Look, darling. -Stop it.

-It's for you, darling. -Oh.

-All right. There you go. -Thanks, Mum.

Don't want to smudge my lips.

-It's not the same kitten, you know. -I know.

(MEWS)

Thought your play was good, darling.

-Yeah. Yeah. -No, it wasn't.

What an imagination you've got.

Thought it was good acting.

Anyway, I've got to go, darling, 'cause Pats and I

are having lunch with the people that played us. So, we're gonna...

Oh.

-Don't show the kitten to Pats, darling, will you? No. -No.

She might get jealous, like the la...

Just might get jealous.

-Hi. Is Saffy... -Yeah. She's downstairs.

-Hi. Come in. -Hi.

Hi. Hi. Come in.

-Oh, darling! -Hello, darling!

-Come and have a drink. -Ooh.

Sorry. I didn't quite get the, uh... Tits right.

You should have been dumped down the dustbin.

The incinerator was too good for you.

Never mind. Cheers, mate.

Guess who?

-(SCREAMS) -(LAUGHS)

Put them over there.