Original subtitles

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow boat to China #

No, no, no!

That's my favourite melody

and it's reining me back to the champers.

Oh, Bricey-boy,

how about making me your official arm candy?

Oh, no, you're too fruity for me.

I fear, we must keep our relationship professional.

# Out on the brinie #

You can stop singing, honey, he's not interested.

Oh, in you, perhaps!

DOLLY: Oh, come on!

Let's dance, dear.

I think it's time for another of those pills.

Oh, get me a couple, honey.

They'll help you with your periods.

(SCATTING)

I am trying to work upstairs

and I can't because of the noise!

-(GLASS CLINKING) -Oh!

I'm... I'm sorry, Saffy, dear.

It has got a little bit out of hand.

Ahem, perhaps you could do something and get rid of them.

It was all Dolly, she's got a terrible voice.

It was you I heard singing, Gran!

-So I don't think that's quite fair. -Oh!

Hello! Brice, Brice Michaels.

I'm most awfully sorry.

The girls are spinning, somewhat. Tails in the air, this evening, I fear.

It's all right. Is mum home yet, Gran?

Oh, I don't think so, dear.

Brice runs a supporting artistes agency.

-My card. -Extras?

Non-speaking actors!

-In the chamberpot of secrets. - Harry Potter .

The Chamber of Secrets ?

-It's only pin money. -Yes, but we enjoyed it, dear.

-Pin money? -No, no, no... Hot dog!

I say, what a smashing nightie!

Hey, don't let your lazy eye wander.

I'm a muggle.

Oh, here they come. It's my daughter and her friend.

Tinkety tonk!

This is your cue to leave.

Well, they don't frighten me, so don't let them bully you.

Admire your crust, Dolly,

but I must take this opportunity of bidding you goodnight.

Yes, come on, Dolly.

Chariots ahoy, girls!

-What the hell are they doing? -Trolls and vampires.

Where have you been?

What do you think where have we been, darling?

A Marilyn Manson concert, where do you think?

We've been mosh pitting it, Eddy!

I'm a mosh queen!

Yeah, I'm a mosh queen, aren't I?

Well, well.

Oh, apart from that, ow!

What did you do?

She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out.

The sea just parted, darling, I don't know how.

They'd probably never seen anything that old flying at them before.

Look at that face. Look at that little face!

You don't even know what we're talking about, darling.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Do you want a drink, Eddy?

What have you got?

-Veuve and Bourb. -Veuve and Bourb.

Have a bit of Veuve and Bourb.

It's all the new stuff, darling,

you know, Slipknot, Papa Roach, Korn.

Makes the Sex Pistol sound like pop music.

Have a listen to that. Have a listen to that.

That's mine!

But I just borrowed it for the evening.

-Well, next time, ask. -I'll ask.

Peace. There!

What do you think? (SCREAMING) What do you think?

-It just sounds like swearing. -Well, It's ironic.

I love it. I love it.

Darling, darling... Wait till I turn it on.

Hang on, hang on.

Oh! Ow!

Sorry, sorry. You've got caught up.

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Eddy, what are you doing? -Sit down!

-What are you doing? -Sit down.

Look at what you've done?

Oh, you've got a tiny little knot,

so I'm gonna cut it.

No, don't! It's mine. Let me try.

No! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-I haven't even touched you. -Oh.

It's tangled in your necklace. Lift your hair up.

-No! -No!

I don't know what you've managed to do here.

-Just take the scissors. -No, don't give her anything sharp!

Oh, do you have to be that close?

-I can be closer. -(MEEKLY) Eddy!

Have a drink, darling.

Come on, we are stars in that dope show, ain't we?

Hey, do you think we should go and see the Stones when they're on tour?

-Oh, I don't know, they're a bit sad, nope! -Sad, yeah.

Yeah, we don't wanna look sad.

What's sad is you saying sad.

Can you tell her not to speak when she's that close.

I can feel her dog breath on my neck.

We are not sad, darling.

We are still hip to the beat.

We are still out there. That's what's happening, you know,

my flash it is the lick, buddy boy.

All right? Hip speak.

-What is it that you say, darling? -Um...

Time is like a stretched elastic band.

You can't let it go

or it'll flick back and take your eye out.

There you go.

Rockers should stay rocking or die.

Or choke on their own vomit.

-Just overdosed into the Hall of Fame. -Yeah.

Not play golf, not retire, not fish!

Not fish. And darling, darling, not Roger Daltrey!

-Not fish farm! -Not fish farm!

They should die with a needle in their arm, not a hook in a trout.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that man just went from Tommy to tuna, didn't he?

# We won't be fooled again! #

Ow!

At least old Macca's back on the scene.

Old Paul McCartney, Macca.

In his trainers.

I should have had him, shouldn't I, Johnny?

I mean, I chased him hard enough.

The Beatles sometimes went for odd ones.

Yeah, they did.

Like Yoko, just that wall of hair.

Couldn't tell where the pubes ended and the feet started.

Sort of Yeti, wasn't it?

Still, I wouldn't have been happy.

I'm too red blooded aren't I, for Macca?

I'd never be happy with just a sort of...

Vegetarian sausage.

-Will you keep still! -I am still!

She's very still. In fact, Patsy's very calm, darling.

-Thank you, Eddy. -What are you on tonight?

-Rohypnol. -Oh, it's working. It's working.

Why aren't you dead?

Sweetheart! Because she started young.

When other kids were pinning the tail on the donkey,

Patsy was looking for a vein.

It wasn't a question!

Don't speak, and keep your face away,

and your...

Your hair!

My hair isn't anywhere near you.

Your face hair.

What, darling? Well, keep your face hair away from her.

(SIGHING) What are we gonna do this week, darling?

(SIGHING) I don't know, Eddy. We need a plan.

-Are you on holiday? -No. Not on holiday, darling.

It's all right, we'll just take a little break

from the 24/7 hedonistic lifestyle, darling.

-Are you here this week? -Yes.

Oh, always here.

Always here.

Actually, darling, Patsy and I had a little idea

about how you could sort of earn a bit of money and save up and leave home.

-You know. -Oh.

Yeah.

We thought, darling, you might like to sell your eggs.

What, everyone's doing it, darling, on the Internet.

You just pop them out and sell them to the highest bidder.

Don't include a photo of the donor.

Might put off a prospective purchaser.

What darling, what's your problem?

It's not like you're ever gonna need them.

In fact, sweetheart, sweetheart,

thought we might get a little pinhole camera

and we could do a little sort of a virtual tour of your ovaries.

You know, people could sort of pick their own. Pick your own eggs, darling.

You know, have a little sign. £10,000 per punnet.

What about that?

I don't feel very well.

-What's the matter with you? -Can I help you, darling?

I think I'm going to faint.

What's the matter with you?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

It's only Patsy. What?

-What? What? What? -Oh, damn.

-What? -Lid seems to have come off my Amyl.

(DOOR CLOSES)

-SAFF: Let me know if you need anything. -MAN: I will, thanks.

Who's that?

Saff!

Saff!

Saffy!

Saff! Saff! Saff!

-Didn't you hear me, darling? -Yes.

-There is a man... -Not.

-Building... -Not.

All right. Man not building motorway through the back of house.

Then why man standing out there measuring?

(COUGHING)

-Morning, sweetheart. -Morning, darling.

Where did she sleep?

In that little room.

The utility room?

My room!

-No! -Oh, darling. Just for a week.

-Come on, sweetheart. -What man?

The gardener. He's doing something about the garden.

What garden?

I think she means that little bit out the back, darling.

The garden. I'm having it redesigned.

Oh, having it redesigned.

I think somebody's been watching a little bit too much of those TV shows, darling.

You know, that... What's that woman called?

Two udders and a watering can. Oh, yeah, Charlie.

(SARCASTICALLY) Charlie Dimmock, sweetheart, is it?

(SIGHING)

Are you paying this man?

His company. He runs the company.

-What's his name? -Jago.

-Jago. -Jago Balfour.

Jago Balfour? Jago Balfour, Eddy.

Did he say he's running this company?

Yes. He seems very nice.

-And is he well... -Hung? Oh!

-I didn't mean that, sweetheart. -Is he well bred?

-Bred. -Posh? Yes, I suppose so.

I think he said he went to Eton, but it doesn't seem to have affected him.

-Eddy, Eddy, Eddy. -What? What? What?

Jago Balfour. I think I knew his older brother.

-That can't be... -Yeah. Doggy Balfour.

Doggy Balfour.

Huge estate, you know, out in the... He's absolutely rolling in it.

Do you think this is the same Balfour?

-We'll go and check him out. -Check him out.

What are you doing with that, darling?

I'm going to give it to Jago.

I'll take that to Jago, sweetheart.

Can I borrow your placky booties?

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

All right, darling. I'll take it out to him.

Well, go on then.

It's upstairs and through the French windows.

I knew it was upstairs and through the French windows!

There you go.

Thank you. Very kind.

It's my garden.

Oh, right. Well, I think it's lovely.

That was just my daughter you were dealing with.

So, do you do it yourself?

What?

The garden.

Yeah. I love it. I love all this um...

You know, all the stuff.

Those things.

-The green. -Yeah.

Ooh, darling, ooh!

(GIGGLING)

I can't believe you let me go out looking like this, darling.

Did you ask him?

Not yet. We just sort of talked about the garden.

It's quite nice out there actually, darling. It's quite nice out there.

Now, darling, he's quite nice out there.

Oh, really, sweetie? Oh, good, good, good.

He's far too young for you.

Anyway, how would you know?

Because, darling, I am an experienced woman, all right?

Besides, he had on quite tight jeans.

Could you see his bog bamboo?

Yeah. I got a little hint of an acorn.

That's disgusting!

Why don't you just leave him alone and let him get on with it?

He's quite lovely. He's gorgeous.

-Step one again, let's get you dressed. -Let's get me dressed.

Right. Here I go. Va va voom, darling.

Va, va, va, voom. Va, va, va, voom.

-Now just remember the plan of action, okay? -Mmm-hmm.

You go for him, and step two, the house party.

The house party. What's step three, darling?

Step three is rut him and beget the son and heir.

In fact, I think that might be step two.

Oh, right, right, right.

Darling, if he's the younger brother, he won't have inherited, really.

Oh, darling. Doggy's dead. Overdosed.

-(EXHALES) Hurrah! -Yeah.

Good, good. Go for it!

-Plans for the garden. -All right. Let's have a look.

Maybe I should show them to...

-Was that your mother? -Yeah, sorry about that.

She didn't look old enough to have a daughter as old as you.

You might be confusing age with maturity.

She made me this old.

I'll wait for her here.

Oh, no she's getting dressed. She'll be hours.

It's okay.

Yeah. Poor old Doggy.

But, still, the parties.

The parties he used to give made Satanism look like a Bar Mitzvah.

Doggy chasing every orifice no matter where it was in the body

and after dinner, brain surgery,

you know, trepanning the skull just for fun!

-Ooh. -Oh, Doggy.

Yup, he lived the way he died.

Yep, I can see him now just quite still in the bath.

A stiff with a stiffy and a smile on his face.

And a little fleck of foam at the corner of his mouth. Sweet.

-We could have servants, couldn't we, darling? -Oh, yeah.

Butlers, maids, houseboys.

Houseboys.

We could have a lot of servants. I want a lot of servants.

What do you call it when it's a lot of servants?

Uh, an orgy?

-I want just squares. -We can just soften the lines a bit.

Oh, I've got an idea.

Please don't say water feature.

No, It's just a pebble bubble fountain.

It's very simple. It's just a hose coming through some pebbles.

Look, why don't we just wait for your mother?

-What did you say her name was? -Edina.

-(DOOR BELL RINGS) -Lovely.

I thought she was lovely. It's a lovely name.

It was Edwina.

-Look, she'll be hours. -It's okay.

Oh, dear. The girls aren't here?

I've got a minibus waiting outside.

Ah, there you are. These are for you.

Best probably to put them in some water.

I am sorry for last night.

Is it all right if I wait?

I'm running a bit... Oh, tinkety tonk.

I say, how do you do? My card.

I've got to go. Will you be all right?

She'll be down at some point I'm sure.

Right as rain.

Fine.

Just waiting for the ladies.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi.

Oh!

-This is Patsy. -Hi.

I've finally got the plans for the garden.

Ooh.

They look lovely.

Are you, um, Doggy's brother?

That's right.

Where are those girls?

Hermione's waiting outside.

Put her teeth in back to front.

Looks as if she's eating her own head.

Will you wait somewhere else, please?

-All right. -No, no, no. Stay. Stay.

Well, as you can see, I've made some suggestions for plants.

Endymion hispanicus,

Dierama pulcherrimum, Galtonia candicans,

Fritillaria imperialis, Acanthus hirsutus,

Wisteria sinensis Alba.

Veronica beccabunga, Digitalis purpurea,

Syringa vulgaris, Forsythia intermedia.

Cruising, that's the hot ticket these days.

Will you wait over there, please?

Ships the size of blocks of flats, but marvellous.

They treat you very well.

Clematis Jackmanii superba. Hedera helix.

But you don't get a porthole.

-You have a really wonderful aura. -Thank you!

Eccremocarpus scaber.

Festuca glauca.

You have really lovely eyes.

Pennisetum villosum, Pulsatilla.

And he doesn't have a wheel. Just, um...

Immaculata.

A computer mouse.

(WOMEN HUMMING)

That's all I need. Will you go out?

# Oh, you beautiful doll! #

No, you should go low. You were always lower.

No, my range has never changed, dear.

I think a range has more than four notes.

Girls, girls.

Will you just get rid of them before I deadhead them?

-Can we have some pills? -I'm getting them.

What pills are... What pills are those?

Give me those. What are you taking?

You can't have that. That's my emergency HRT...

Oh.

Come along, girls. I'm on a double yellow.

Emergency HRT. I don't need it yet.

Probably won't need it for couple of decades, you know, the way my juices are flowing.

Don't overdo it, Eddy.

I can't do this, darling. You take over.

No, darling. Keep going, my tactics are working.

Not with an audience. I don't want an audience. Get out.

Talk some more Latin. I love it when you talk Latin.

-Why don't we continue this a bit later? -What?

-I've another job to go to. -Oh.

Look, would you have dinner with me?

I know it's a bit out of the blue,

but I'm only in town for a couple of days this week and...

Well, uh... Well...

Well, uh, yes!

Great. I'll give you a ring.

Pull. Pull.

Darling, I just don't think I've got any pelvic floor muscles.

I can't feel any movement there at all.

You've got to practice, Eddy.

That's all right for you. You haven't had kids.

I've had two heads through mine.

-Mine's more a one-way system. -Yes.

I can still blow smoke rings through mine.

-Are you doing it now? -Oh, yeah.

-Let's get those tits up, darling. -Tits up, tits up.

No, not with the straps, darling. I've got a little inflatable thing here.

It's a new blow-up bra.

-Oh. -Tube there.

(BLOWING LOUDLY)

Just blowing them up, darling, for tonight, you know,

for my date with Jago.

No, darling, don't include her. Now, listen, Eddy.

To keep on schedule, you've just got to go for it tonight.

-Go for it. -What are you, her coach?

No, darling. It's only sex, isn't it?

It's only sex, darling, isn't it...

Sex, is it, darling? (GIGGLING)

Why are you hatching this horrible plan? You hate the country.

I don't hate the country, not the kind of country he's got, darling.

Besides, Patsy and I were in the country last week.

-Were we? -Yeah, we were in Ireland.

-Remember that celebrity shoot. -Oh, yeah.

Patsy shot a Corr.

I was aiming for Bono.

Anyway, darling, what's your problem?

That means you'll have the house to yourself you know, a little bit more

for your little writings, little scribblings.

-Oh, well, then, sleep with him. -Thank you. I will.

In fact, darling, I think I might become a hot couple.

Don't you think? Me and Jago, hot couple?

-Get in all the magazines. -Yeah.

-Play polo, you know. -Yeah.

Always going for the end result without the process.

I like results, darling.

Yes, but life is in the details.

Yeah, well, now you've lost me. Anyway...

Mum.

Oh, no.

Look at that. I know what that is.

That's the "You are going to use contraception" face, isn't it, darling?

-Well? -PATSY: No, Eddy, no!

Beget the son and heir.

Oh, beget the son and heir.

-No! -Yes, darling.

It's all right when you have a baby now, you know,

you can choose what you want.

You came before the right to choose.

Nowadays, you just sort of hand in an order form I think.

Yeah, just get a little chart, you know, get skin tone, eye colour.

-Yeah. -You just get it genetically modified.

-No chance of another hideous accident. -Yeah.

Don't be so ridiculous.

-(DOORBELL RINGING) -Oh, that's him.

Oh, darling, that's him, that's him, that's him.

Go and answer it.

(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)

When I come back, I don't want anyone here, all right.

Now, Eddy, keep focused, darling. Just keep focused.

Tonight you're gonna go out there and you're just gonna knock him dead.

Knock him dead. No fancy moves, just knock him dead.

Aah.

Hi. Hi, you look lovely.

I had to borrow some clothes off a friend.

I had nothing in town.

Off you go, Eddy. Off you go.

See you later.

Don't let me keep you.

Haven't you got one of those little plays to write that nobody ever goes to see?

People do go and see them.

(SCOFFS)

(INDISTINCT VOICE ON TV)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Yeah, I'm a kind of vegetarian, you know.

It's just that I eat meat.

I never have, but I have been known to nibble the odd ear lobe or two.

(CHUCKLING)

Come in, come in, come in.

Have a seat.

You look tense.

No, I'm fine, really. Just fine, fine, fine.

-I do a great back massage. -Oh, yeah?

What about the fronts?

Come here.

Oh, look at that.

What are you thinking?

I was thinking, you know, do flowers have sex?

-Yeah. -Oh, yeah, they do, with bees. I remember now.

-Come on. -Oh.

(MOANING)

-Wait, wait, wait. -What's the matter?

It's just, uh...

I am quite big with my clothes off, you know.

Come here.

(YELPS)

(GAS HISSING)

(GAS HISSING)

-It's just... -Let's go upstairs.

Yeah. Let's go upstairs.

What a mess. What a mess.

-I like you looking wild. -Yeah. Looking wild.

Don't be nervous. Relax.

Like Saffy says,

I always want to cut to the result, not the process.

-I'm going to make another joint. -Yeah, let's have a joint.

I want a joint. Let's have a...

(HUMMING)

Saffy's left some mints out for me.

There's some papers in the joint box over there

if you want to roll us a joint.

I'm going to get undressed.

Hey, let me undress you.

No, that's all right. Believe me, there is a skill.

(WHISPERING) I thought you were downstairs.

Get in the shower, get in the shower.

Get in the shower!

Just get in the shower, for God's sake.

There. There. Now stay there.

JAGO: Eddy, come and smoke this.

Yeah, just coming, just getting undressed.

Eddy? I hadn't quite finished.

There, there.

Now, listen. Just stay in here and don't watch.

(EDDY TEARING CLOTHES)

There we are. Oh, you're that side.

I'll come round.

Just left enough on for you to play with.

(WHISPERING) Tits, lips, tits, lips.

Oh.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, joint.

I love you the way I love trees.

Oh.

You know, when I touch a tree,

I feel connected, you know, to the ancient.

Ooh. Ooh, really?

I believe there is a divinity in every natural living object.

(MOANS)

You are my high priestess and I am your high priest.

What?

You know, when all my thoughts are exhausted,

I like to slip into the forest and gather a pile of shepherd's purse.

Like the little stream

winding its way through the mossy crevices,

I too quietly turn clear and transparent.

Yeah.

Talk the Latin again. I love it when you talk Latin.

Chaenomeles speciosa.

-(MOANS) -Kerria japonica.

Clematis jackmanii superba.

Hedera helix.

Hydrangea petiolaris.

EDDY: Oh, yes. Love the Latin.

Love the Latin.

JAGO: Mine are the forests and the streams

and the rivers and the mountains.

Mine is the cup of the wine of eternal youth.

All is come from the cauldron of Ceridwen, and I will know.

Rut her. Rut her. Rut her. Rut her.

So mote it be!

(GASPS)

Morning.

Morning.

I think I was a little stoned last night, don't you think?

Yeah, you were wonderful. It's good stuff.

I grow it on the estate.

Yeah.

I was wondering if... Do you ever get lonely in that house?

No, not really.

Well, in that huge house? That huge house, the huge estate?

So, we were thinking, you know, maybe come out this week and...

Oh, I don't live in that house.

What?

I live in the gatehouse.

With all that money?

No, there is no money.

Doggy put it all up his nose, or on a vein. I had to sell the estate.

I sold it to Roger Daltrey. It's now a...

It's a fish farm.

No!

Shame it didn't work out.

Still, he did say I was, you know, wonderful.

No, Eddy.

No. He said it, darling. He said that...

No, darling, believe me. I was there.

Is it going to be a pond, dear, or a bird bath?

Oh, it's a pebble bubble fountain.

The water spills out over the stone.

It's all very contained, and simple, and safe.

But what on earth is the point of that, dear?

What's the matter with you?

She's having a hormonal cold turkey, darling.

Deserves it as well, trust me.

All right, time for another drinky before we go.

-SAFF: Where are you going? -New York.

I don't think they let people with drug convictions in.

Darling, it's not a conviction.

-Just a firm belief. -Yes.