Original subtitles

Where I grew up...

there are only so many dreams.

Most don't even begin to dream.

Many see their dreams crushed by reality.

This is my story of dreaming big.

And this is my story of who I became on that journey.

Inside, Green is the only wide receiver

and it is a play action pass.

They'll throw it out of the backfield.

It's first down, Florida State.

It is going to be touchdown, Florida State.

Freddie Stevenson.

I can remember him one day,

as a little boy, he came in and said,

"Daddy, the Lord told me I'm going to the NFL."

And that was-- as a little boy, had never played

and looking at it develop, looking at the process,

uh, you begin to see that it was real.

So in Little League.

Any player can only score one touchdown.

But the quarterback could score twice,

so when they start seeing what Freddie could do

they made him a quarterback.

If you don't get to the game before 9:30, ten o'clock,

he's already scored two touchdowns.

All we know is sports.

You do sports or you do drug dealing.

And sometimes you do both.

And the last thing you don't want to do

is be overworked and underpaid like your parents.

And so we do sports, or we do drug dealing.

And I did both.

If I wasn't playing football,

all my-- like, even some of my closest friends to this day,

you know, boys got caught up in, you know, the streets

and even some dead.

So I feel like it was really an escape

from just that in general, just me getting in trouble

and caught up into things I had no business doing.

This was my way out.

Younger-- when I was younger to help, you know, family,

that's-- you know, this family that's in poverty,

, you know, to help them.

I was the peace because I was special.

I was born with something

that not a lot of people were born with,

you know what I'm saying.

So it gave me a thing to look forward to later on.

Football was their outlet.

Man, I wish I had some film to show you.

I was dominating.

I mean, I was taking souls from people

at-- at-- at ten years old, 11 years old, 12 years old.

I was really trying to dominate the game

because football was all I had.

That's what I felt, was-- was keeping me alive,

knowing I had a piece of that football

right in my heart,

you know, knowing I was still getting abused

behind close doors, 'cause it ain't--

it ain't stop until I was 16, man,

17 years old, you know?

So I was still getting abused but that's what I had.

That's was my crutch.

Football was a crutch for me

and I-- I-- I just looked at it as, "You know what,

I'm going to turn my back to all the negative

because it's negative back there

and put football as a-- as something I can grab onto."

I can-- I can just look at it,

and-- and-- and just take it and dominate it,

like, "Man, football is my life, let me just roll with it.

This could be my ticket to success."

We saw him come out that tunnel in Chicago.

We were in the stands.

'Cause I'm telling you,

I'm talking about playing video games with this person.

I played with my son in the field, man.

That's just one thing I always saluted about Freddie.

You know, no matter how hard things got,

you never seen him sweat.

Like, I never seen him sweat, ever.

He's on Florida State field, national TV.

He-- I mean, I see him

on that big Megatron or whatever,

and it's like, "This is real."

It would tear me apart because I knew how--

what the type of person he was going to bring

and the type of energy

he was going to bring back to the house.

It was never good energy.

You know, when your child hurts, you hurt.

I don't care if they are two, 22, 52, 62.

They're still your children.

I think he was functioning out of bitterness.

You know, you really can't hear then

'cause you got a point to prove and...

you-- you really ready, like a walking hand grenade.

It was to the point where I was just like,

"I don't even want to be home anymore."

Like, "I don't want to be here."

And we would always tell him, "Freddie,

maybe this is not what God has for you."

Even when I tried to bring my emotions

or tell him how I felt about certain things,

it's like he didn't want to hear it.

So-- because he was so enclosed

with his own trauma

and his own issues he was going through,

it was, like, I was adding-- I felt as though,

I was adding extra stress on him.

I was just watching his moves from a distance.

And he went and got a, uh, U-Haul to move.

And when he got the U-Haul,

he asked me-- I think he needed my card or something

and he said, "Dude, I'm gonna pay you back."

And so I went to meet him for him to pay me back my money.

And I seen how he gave me my money back.

He had a wad of money.

Oh, it-- it wasn't crispy like they coming from the bank.

It was all balled up and-- and I think I pulled off.

I said, "What are you doing?"

Me and Sylvia met in '92.

That's Freddie's mom.

And we've been together since October 11, 1992.

Thank God for that.

We-- we got married in 2000,

but between 92 and 2000, Lord have mercy,

we went through all kind of storms.

It wasn't easy to come see me.

So, uh, I said, "Come see me for what?"

I said, "Why you need to come see me?"

"I just wanna come see you and,

you know, to get to know you and whatever."

And she had told me when she stayed

and I tried to go by her house and--

And so he just came on his own without an invitation.

He said, "Well, uh, you gonna let me in?"

I said, "Uh, no."

He said, "Well, just let me use your phone.

I got to call and get me a ride."

I said, "Oh, all those pay phones

you rode past to come here because I live in the projects

and I know that pay phones and-- and you want to--"

"Well, I don't have-- just leave me use phone.

I have no change."

So I cracked the door and just threw a quarter out

for him to go use the pay phone.

And I heard it saying bling, bling, bling, bling.

Watch them interact with each other,

it makes perfect sense, man.

Like, they-- they both-- they both got personality

so just the way that they met

it doesn't even surprise me.

So I think he was so used to his money

talking for him, but it didn't talk to me.

Him being who he is.

You've seen my-- my dad, he got a lot of energy,

a lot of charisma and a lot of swag.

So he tried to pull that on my mom.

And that's where he kind of found out

that she don't play those games.

So, you know, of course he tried and tried and tried

like the little train that could,

that "I think I can, I think I can."

And I could, I did, I did, I did.

I did, I did, I did.

Freddie is-- was the quiet,

humble one, and still is.

Um, his two older siblings would always stand up for him

because Freddie would never stand up for himself.

I did have two brothers

that were from my father's previous relationship

that we didn't really have a relationship with

at that point just because they were living

in a different area with their mother.

But everybody that had the same mom as me,

we were all close, and got along.

I would always find him,

like, up-- under the bed,

playing with these little wrestling men

and that's what he did.

He was just quiet and find-- he'll find his spot

and just play, play, play, play, play.

I don't know, I've always been quiet,

just watching how my mom moves.

Just kind of similar. Just watch people moving.

If you quiet long enough,

people to show you-- show you who they are.

Early on, everything was smooth. We didn't have any issues.

I believe as a child at that point,

pretty much anything that I wanted, I could have.

We gave him that football for Christmas

and, I mean, that was his thing.

I was trying to stop selling drugs.

I was doing my best.

That day, for some reason,

they were telling me to stay in the house,

not to come outside and play.

And I remember just running outside

and, like, seeing this substance on the ground

that I thought was, like, a piece of candy.

And I remember somebody just screaming and grabbing me.

Later on, I found out, like, it's a crack rock.

And I see the adults arguing

and they-- they say what it is to my dad.

Like, "Freddie almost put this in his mouth."

That's when I put two and two together.

Like, "Okay, my dad is involved

in drug trafficking in some way."

I was working

and the opportunity came up for me to do something

and I knew something was wrong with the trip

because when she was saying it, I was holding the door knob

and I was scared to leave it.

And when I called her,

I called from jail and she said, "I knew it."

With 22 felonies and I get locked up again,

I get five new charges.

Two of them are punishable by life,

two of them are punishable by 30 years,

one is punishable by five.

And then I got a violation of probation.

And the judge told me a year ago,

"Don't come back into my courtroom."

Man, stories from people in the community

about who my dad was.

He had a lot of respect on--

Guy that was kind of feared by a lot of people as well.

Uh, and I'm learning these things

after he goes to prison.

But in my eyes, he's still my superhero.

He said, "Sylvia, I'll be back."

I said, "Okay, you gonna leave here,

one of these nights, you gonna leave here,

you're not gonna come back."

And that night he left,

he didn't come back for three years.

Freddie was two.

I-- was one.

And Sylvia was pregnant. I left her pregnant.

It was tough, I can't lie and say it wasn't

because I'm-- I'm-- you know, I got five kids and...

It was very hard to go

because I really thought I would never get out again.

Once Terriss went to prison and it's just me and the kids,

it's only me bringing the finances.

You know, when he calls, you know,

I got to pay for the calls.

So that's taking away from the money

that we have in the house to pay the bills.

So what you could make out here,

you can make triple in there for the drugs.

You can't just walk in the room and get them.

And this guy came in with drugs

and it came in my room

out of all these rooms in the dormitory.

"Why?" I said, "Why, Lord?"

And so, uh, the guy said,

"You ought to just get 'em,"

and I knew not to get 'em.

We were homeless.

We had to move from one place

to another place to another place.

People make-- you know, make you welcome,

but you have-- when you have your own kids,

you-- I have to make sure

they're not touching this, they're not touching that.

And then I'm always on pins and needles

because if they break something,

then we're going to get kicked out.

The person stopped turning the air conditioner on.

So-- we had to let-- start letting windows up.

The area wasn't a good area and I just stayed up long enough,

I just stayed up through the night

long enough to cool the house off

because I would not go to sleep with the windows up.

My baby daughter,

um, I saw her

through the glass when she was born.

Um, but it was 18 months before I touched her.

And when I touched her, she screamed.

When your child screams at you because they don't know you,

I think that'll wake you up some.

I'm her daddy.

And she don't know me to the point

when I reach out she screamed.

And I had to go back into my dormitory

crying and saying, "Lord, please get me out of here."

I think it really bothered him as he was in there

sitting and just seeing his kids grow up,

not knowing if he would be able to experience that

and knowing that he was missing out

on birthdays, first steps.

When Terriss was away,

Freddie was between the ages of about two and five.

I couldn't possibly pick more vital times

for something to have impact.

Imagine what he was thinking about

as it's forming how he thinks about everything in life.

One thing that sticks out to me about his story

is how he shares about how his mom

then went to McDonald's and, you know,

she had to feed all them-- with-- what-- one burger?

So my mother, she gathers me and my siblings together

and she walks us all to McDonald's.

Upon arriving, we walk inside and she orders a cheeseburger.

And the total comes out to $1.05.

And we didn't know at the time

that my mom only had a dollar to her name.

So as she tries to hand the cashier a dollar,

the lady lets her know that

she has to have a nickel for some reason,

she couldn't take the burger without the nickel, I think.

So we watched my mom have to go beg for a nickel

around McDonald's, and it took a while,

but someone was generous enough to give her a nickel

and she was kind of hesitant at first, embarrassed,

and she finally got that nickel.

Got the burger, walked us outside.

And once she walk us outside,

she immediately gathers us together,

start slicing it into five pieces

and hands it out to us.

And we started eating.

And as we're eating,

my older sister notices that my mom isn't eating.

And we all start noticing as well.

And we start offering my mom some food.

And at this point she-- she starts

to break down a little bit.

Tears started pouring out of eyes

and she turned down the food

and she lets us know to keep eating.

And that was the moment I really realized,

like, what was taking place.

Just watching my mom.

She couldn't eat with us that day.

We knew that she hadn't eaten at all that day.

And just watching the sacrifices that she made,

because oftentimes she did.

She did have a lot of things that were going on.

I'm single with five kids.

And from day one, he's been taking care of us.

So why-- what do-- I don't have nothing to lose.

By this time, like, faith is the only thing we have.

Um, we found-- we found God

in that-- that dark situation, leaned on him,

and my mother was always talking about faith

and how he was going to-- how it was gonna work out for us

in our favor, God was going to turn things around.

So I ran out of diapers and I had sheets.

So I took the sheets, tore them up,

cut them up in a lot of different pieces,

and I had some safety pins.

Put the safety pin, put them on them

like I'm putting the diaper safety pins.

That's money I didn't have to spend

and I would have-- wouldn't have to panic.

Like, "What am I going to do?" I said, "Okay, you got this."

So you got to use what you have.

It's-- it's tough.

Kid that is used to that,

seeing that person provide,

you don't know where that's going to come from anymore.

Your dad, for every kid, that's your superhero,

so to have that taken away, it's heartbreaking.

He was looking for him to come home

and he would never come home when he thought he was.

I just got tired of-- tired of hearing all that.

I felt like they weren't telling me the truth

and not like, "Man, what-- you'll tell me

my dad's coming home all the time,

but y'all don't say when."

And I remember one day she was like telling me

to either clean up some toys

because I always just be around the house

playing, like, wrestling toys or something like that.

And I told her, "No, you can't tell me what to do.

Like, my dad's not here."

Because of his mouth,

and he was ve-- very disrespectful.

And, you know, I had to help him a little bit.

That was the first time in, like, the only time

that I kind of acted out, but it was just me.

Letting out that pain. I didn't know how else to do it.

I was just frustrated at the time.

I would imagine that prison time

gives you a lot of time to think about yourself

and when you find something bigger than yourself

that's going to keep you afloat.

I was in here cussing, gambling, doing whatever,

uh, whatever a prisoner do, playing cards

and I go to church one night.

And I ain't never been the same since.

The first night I went to church.

Never been the same.

Never been the same since.

He-- he told us the story about how it happened

and how he went into church one day

and then the-- the pastor told him

that they were going to lose all this paperwork.

You-- you know, this is what I want to do.

This is what I need to do.

So, why not do it now?

I-- I had nothing to lose.

He didn't know how it was gonna happen,

but the guy was speaking that onto his life

and he knew that the preacher,

for some reason, was talking to him that day.

And I asked the Lord to save me for real.

I-- I cried, I said, "Lord,

I'm tired of coming back and forth here.

I won't be with my children."

I began to just read my Bible, read my Bible.

And, gradually,

uh, the guys saw it was real.

And sometimes when you're in these situations,

you're going to somebody--

it feels like God has sent a person

to send that motivation that you need to get through.

I used to brag and boast,

say I'd never have a child born in here.

And the Lord used that to help break me.

Judge told him, "My man, there's no way

you're getting out before you're 50,

53 years old, 52 years old,"

and s-- somehow they lost his paperwork.

Jail was good to me.

Uh, I-- I'm not bitter at the officer.

I'm not bitter at the police.

Um...

it's-- the Lord led jail to me,

I say it was, uh...

like Bible college.

I remember one day my-- my mom called my dad

and she told him that he was getting out

and I think he hung up the phone on her.

Yeah, God, either he was shocked

or he thought she was playing with him.

And then he looked online that he has a release date.

I knew like, "Man, if he got out of this situation,

God has a calling on his life.

It's for a reason that he was given a second chance."

It was laid out for me to give my life to the Lord.

That second trip, I mean.

It was paved, but I had to be

all the way blind not to see what was going on.

I mean, I got miracles from day one.

Man, it was exciting just to see him back

finally in the home.

I know, for him,

it was tough, though, just making that adjustment.

It was hard for him to get a job.

Nobody wants to hire a felon

and it was tough just seeing him go through that struggle.

But I remember when he-- he got his first opportunity

with a company here called Publix,

they gave him a job at the warehouse

that sometimes we had to drop him off at, like, midnight

and had to pick him up at, like, five in the morning.

And this is while we're going to school.

Even those rides home-- rides to go pick him up.

We're excited just to go see him.

I always desired, even before Freddie was born,

I wanted to be there for my children.

I wanted to, uh,

be the one at the football game with him

because I didn't have that.

And then I lost it.

I believe when he first got out

he had opportunities to go back to that lifestyle

and they presented themselves.

You talking about a guy

that has gone from making all this money,

and now you're just trying to scrape together a few dollars

just to have a few meals on the table for your family.

So it's tough.

But he said he couldn't live

with not being able to watch his kids grow up.

Sun up, sun down, he had that football,

and if he lost the football, we were in trouble.

Then he started coming to the table

and, he would have the football here

and his left hand, he's always eating--

and if-- no matter in the middle of the night,

if he's, uh, asleep,

if you go take that ball, he wakes up.

That football was his best friend.

He would have a full football game down the hallway,

talking and everything, running in our house.

The hallway is only about from here to the wall long.

I know I walked around with a football

and everything all the time,

but just them believing in me enough

to tell me to go out there and stuff,

it was just like, "Man, I just want to make my parents proud."

And then once I found out that I was good,

I started to find a different motivation behind it.

For the first time he scored,

I ran down the field with him.

And I don't know how many games I missed

over his whole career ,

but it was my desire to be in the stands.

To the point where Freddie got to high school,

he said, "Dad, it's not literally,

you don't have to stay with me no more."

He put me in the football early on

because I don't know,

he said he got it in a vision from-- from God

that-- that I was going to be something,

I was going to be able to do at a high level.

And he's-- he's been echoing that my whole entire life.

So we signed him up up at George Jenkins

Little League football, Lakeland Eagles.

And, uh, we were late signing up.

They already had all their positions and players,

mapped out who's going to play in.

They gave him the ball, and-- and from then...

The team just realized, like...

I was one of those guys

that was gonna be able to carry a team and--

and make the team be special.

It was tough for me as a kid,

you know, being able to move around and stuff

because I was born so early.

My first time, you know,

joining a team, it was called Liberty City Warriors,

it just gave me this way of life, this way of smile.

You know, like, "Dang, like, this football stuff's fun.

I see what they're talking about."

Growing up and-- and I was in the projects,

um, you know, it was tough for me.

Um, sometimes you ain't know

when you was gonna get your next meal.

Uh, sometimes you ain't know, you know,

if there was going to be shooting outside.

You know, somebody gonna be dead.

Things that were happening, you know,

behind closed doors was-- uh, it was very tough

and it was very, uh, crazy to see at a young age,

um, you know, me being about four years old

and seeing abuse and the trauma and things,

um, that no kid supposed to see.

Football definitely was my outlet.

Whenever I was able to let off steam,

let off pain, let off,

you know, the abusive things from my father

that was, you know, happening to me behind closed doors,

you know, football was something that I can-- I can talk to,

I can be with, I can, like, enjoy my time.

Like, I-- I love the game so much

that-- I-- I don't know.

I don't know what would I do without it.

I was first introduced to football

when I was, I'd say, about five years old

and my first year...

I was not good at all.

I went from being this little kid with a neck brace on,

just out there just to be out there

to the following year, my second year,

scoring 42 touchdowns in one season.

I guess from that time on, that's when I realized

that football is something I'm good at,

something I could possibly do.

I was raised in Auburndale, Florida,

and the interesting thing about my upbringing

was I had a father in the home.

And that made me, like, an anomaly,

because all of my friends

didn't have a father in the home.

I felt unrightfully privileged.

And I was a basketball player and a football player,

and my parents are there.

And I remember one time saying to my dad,

like, "Do y'all have to come to every game?"

Like, I'm the only one with parents

or I'm the only one with a dad.

And it was this thing where I wanted to be normal.

I didn't realize that I was so blessed.

And that guys like me

were longing for a father figure,

were begging for their father to be in their life.

And I had one and I took it for granted.

In Dominican Republic, for most kids,

especially for-- for-- for a male,

you know, their only hope out of the country

is to become a professional baseball player.

So growing up, you know, for me

baseball was already something that I've always wanted to do.

My dad loves baseball.

You know, he watches baseball. He played baseball growing up.

So, you know, at the age of around six or seven

was when I started to really dive deeper into baseball

and they-- and they got me signed up to,

you know, Little League Academy and I started to play

and my love for it started to increase

and, you know, I started to get really good at it

because I just had such a passion for it.

And, you know, over the years,

it just became something that-- that was all I would do.

That was what I would eat, that was what I would sleep

all day baseball, seven days a week.

You know, I would sleep with my baseball glove and my bat.

And it was all I ever wanted to do.

And it was, you know, something that I wanted to do

for my family as well.

That's why I was so passionate about it as well

because I-- I saw the sacrifices that they made,

you know, for-- for them to give me a better life.

It kind of-- with my confidence at the time,

I'm not really knowing,

just coming from the environment that I came from,

I don't really know what to expect out of it.

Like, yeah, I run around with a football all the time,

but I don't know if I'm gonna be successful doing this.

I'm still new to this.

I couldn't throw,

so they just literally ran QB sweeps with me all game

and they couldn't stop me.

I was faster than everybody, quicker than everybody.

And after every game,

just seeing the other team, even after they lost,

just showing me love.

Like, "Okay, I'm-- I may be special like this."

Just being able to compete,

and that gave just the positive outlook on life,

like, I could play sports.

I could do this, I could do that.

While we were playing that flag,

I remember one game I think I scored like four touchdowns

and they created a rule on me on the spot

was like, "Man, after four touchdowns

he can't touch the ball anymore."

They would say, "That's not that--

he's not supposed to score twice" and all that.

And we would have to encourage him

because we knew that it-- you know, it bothered him.

He still had to deal with that favoritism.

We, as parents, me myself, I didn't like

what he had to go through to do what he loved.

We watched him and, uh,

he has always had to deal with the odds.

He was gifted. He worked harder than me.

I-- I didn't have the skill to play like he did

because in the inner city, you got to play football.

I mean, something wrong, if you don't play football.

That's why I played.

He had something else.

I always had to play on teams where you got

five to six coaches that have sons on the team.

They want all their kids to play the skilled positions

and I'm a skilled player,

so now they're really trying to take away from me

and make sure that I don't shine.

It-- it just-- it broke me down,

early on I-- I started to doubt myself.

I-- I went into everything

feeling like I was a special player,

and then I started to question myself

like, "Is this guy better than me?

Am I-- am I good enough?"

Uh, one side of my street...

is zoned for George Jenkins.

The other side is zoned for Bartow.

When he found out he was not going to George Jenkins,

he was one happy guy.

Because he had been hurt...

by guys who had dads who was coaching.

When he got there, they-- you know,

the coaches sizing him up because they didn't know him.

It pissed me off.

Like, they're gonna-- they're gonna have to see me soon.

So now he ready to play football without being held back.

What made Freddie stand out most from his-- his peers

on the team at Bartow was his work ethic.

Not only did he think about football,

he also thought about grades.

He also thought about others more than himself.

You know, the game is 90% mental and 10% physical.

And Freddie had all those keys at an early age.

He starts hearing his name.

"There goes Freddie Stevenson, Freddie Stevenson."

He was big time in football.

Everybody knew who he was.

He was number one, I believe, in the country.

Like, he was good at what he does.

But to me, I was just like-- you're just a regular person.

So Freddie and I met at a basketball game.

I was just, you know, chilling.

"Hey, how you doing or whatever."

I think her friend introduced me to her.

And I just kept seeing him kind of, like, look at me.

And I was like, "What-- what was that?"

"And why is this dude just looking at me?"

I'm thinking ways, like, I'm trying to--

all right, that type of business.

He texts the friend and asks her,

"Hey, can I get Dasia's number?"

But then she's like, "Oh, no, I'm afraid she's a good girl.

He was like, "I just wanna talk to her.

Like, she seems like a really cool girl, like--"

And I started talking to her

and I just learned early on from the conversation,

like, "Okay, she was a lot different."

We were just texting on and off, on and off.

Once I started seeing how she talked,

like, "All right, everything that I was thinking before

in my mind, like..."

I didn't see him for the athleticism.

I didn't see him as that football player

that's-- you know, all that,

and all these girls throwing themselves at him.

I-- I was just like,

"You're just a regular person to me,

like, don't be trying to get no big head, now."

And that's what I told him.

I don't care if we hang out in person,

I just wanna hear-- hear from her every single day,

like we would stay on the phone for hours and stuff.

I think I have a gift because, with him,

I just knew, okay,

"I'm going to marry you one day. I really am."

And you're the one for me.

I'm often amazed when I think back

to the high school years, not just mine, but anybody's.

There's so much that the person needs to know

about who they are, and we don't.

So, you come in with all of these expectations

and things you've got to deal with.

But the main thing you're going to need to do

is figure out, or at least, start to figure out,

who you are.

In Miami, there was this guy, they called him Brad.

That was his nickname. I played on his team.

He's-- he's-- he started my career.

I was just out there, because my mom and dad

wanted me to be active, you know,

and the second year is just-- I fell in love with it,

because I saw like, my athletic ability, really.

I saw I was quick. I saw I was fast.

I wasn't always the biggest, wasn't always the strongest,

but I was always fast.

My dad, whenever he saw me, um--

whenever he saw me make my first hit,

my first touchdown

and my first pass breakup in-- in-- in the first game,

he was just amazed.

And ever since then, I always was the kid

that had all the talent.

I didn't have to try hard, but I had talent.

That's just what it was.

If that was what's gonna get my dad excited, you know,

and-- and-- and to stop him from, you know, abusing me

behind closed doors, that's what I was going to do.

My dad always made me feel like anything was possible,

'cause I remember this one situation,

we were just riding, you know,

and I just asked him-- I asked him if-- "Dad--"

I was like, "Dad, you think I can make it to the NFL?"

And he just looked at me, and he-- he said,

"Son, if you wanna do it, you can do it.

You can do anything you put your mind to,

if you put God first, you can achieve anything."

My dad saw it. My coaches saw it. I saw it.

My brother saw it. My family saw this.

Like, "Man, he-- he's gonna go to the NFL one day."

Like, man, I heard the whispers around me,

like, "Man, this guy's going to be special."

Remember Tony's three outcomes?

Professional football player,

drug dealer, or living in poverty.

If you had those choices, what would you choose?

I heard a scream, and I'll never forget it.

I said "That's Freddie," and he said, "Why would you--"

I said, "I know that is Freddie,"

so we went down to the bottom, it was Freddie.

He was on the ground holding his ankle,

and he couldn't-- he wouldn't move,

he said, "Something's wrong, something wrong,

I know it's wrong."

I mean, that was a scream I've never heard.

He started limping off the field,

and then I was watching him getting off the field,

but he kept his helmet on, so he looked really mad,

'cause his eyes were bloodshot red.

I didn't know what was wrong with him.

Our lineman missed the block, and then,

there was a defensive lineman in the backfield.

And he grabbed-- he grabbed-- hold on to my leg,

and I tried to fight, and pull my leg out,

then all of a sudden, another guy,

another lineman comes in, and he just lands on it.

And I felt this snap.

And I knew immediately,

as the trainer's taking the tape off my ankle,

he notices my bone go-- it goes back in.

So, he was like, "We gotta rush him to the hospital."

He was like, "Yeah, I'm at the hospital right now,

I think I might need surgery."

So, I was like, "Well, do you want me to come up there?"

And he was like, "No, it's okay."

Well, I didn't listen to him.

I had two surgeries on it,

just 'cause it was that type of injury,

had to come back for a second one.

I could just feel like--

it's kind of tense.

Freddie was looking up in the ceiling,

and I saw a tear coming down his face.

He said, "Dad, I don't know what I'm gonna do."

And I know he was to the point where he had been wearing out,

thinking that his dream was gone, but I told him--

I said, "Freddie, it ain't over right here, man."

So, he was down, I mean, he--

sitting in the bed all day, he couldn't walk.

You know, so, if you can't walk,

you definitely can't play football.

I just needed to focus on being able to walk properly again.

I didn't, football was out of the--

completely out of the question right then.

After him going to therapy,

and seeing different other doctors,

and them saying that he may not play again...

They gave me exercise, and I wasn't able to do it.

And they-- basically, they thought I should be

beyond that point by that time.

So that kind of discouraged me like, "Okay...

maybe, this isn't going to work out how I thought it would."

Well, Freddie was very down and depressed.

And Freddie thought that he was gonna be out for a while,

he was never gonna be the same athlete.

We would see him, like, in his room

with his face like, to the ceiling.

I walked past the room, prayed,

you know, I wouldn't go in, and I would go tell Terriss,

I said, "Terriss, just go walk back to the room,

and just look at Freddie."

I said, "Don't say nothing, but just look."

And I think he caught me.

He was just saying, "Man...

Don't allow the situation to get the best of you."

You know, he was getting discouraged too,

and doubting himself, because as he was on crutches,

he wasn't getting a lot of offers.

I'm frustrated, because I'm like,

"Man, what's gonna happen now?"

One of the best ways you can get close to someone

is to go through adversity with them.

Then you kind of know who each other are.

You have a shared experience that's much deeper.

My brother passed away, uh, six days shy of his birthday,

so he passed away June 18th,

and his birthday was June 24th.

I just lost a piece of my heart.

He was my everything growing up.

He-- that was my baby boy.

He was the light of my world.

I'm not sure if he slipped or fell,

but we heard a loud boom.

Soon as we heard that boom,

I ran-- I was the first one running into the bathroom.

I seen like, blood everywhere.

His arm went through the glass door,

and the door was supposed to shatter,

and never shattered, so the main glass cut

all of his major arteries, so my first reaction

was to get him out, and stop the bleeding.

I knew something was wrong, and she told me that...

he-- he passed away and it-- it was tough.

It was tough just knowing

the-- the pain that she was dealing with,

and then the relationship

that I was able to-- to build with him.

I lost my brother.

My grandpa had an acute stroke.

Three years after that, my uncle committed suicide.

It's just like, "Bam, bam, bam." When do we get a break?

I knew just in that time, like, even though

I had a lot going on for me, I knew I had to come, be there.

When I was back in that dark place,

I didn't have a mindset at all.

I just wanted to end things.

I had a plan on how I was going to do it.

I really did. I didn't even tell Freddie.

I've never told anybody that before.

That stayed with me...

until now.

You expect people to think those type of thoughts.

Especially, with when her brother

had his accident, she's holding him in her arms.

So, when he passes away,

you kind of have survivors' guilt,

and then sometimes, you may feel

like it-- it's your fault that it-- it happened.

When everything happened...

Freddie never left my side.

Like, he was there with me

through thick and thin, he...

was my rock.

I used to go crazy, 'cause I needed to win an Emmy.

And it was driving me out of my, you know--

and then you win, and it's still driving you,

Now, I've won three, so--

I think that--

you've arrived when you don't care anymore.

I believe success is living your God-given purpose.

Success has to do with...

uh, the kind of...

father and husband I am.

Never get complacent with-- with where you are in life.

Overcoming the odds...

that was just there to push you.

I was like, "No.

You need to get it together.

Like, it's time for you to put on

your big boy underwear, and get it together,

you're gonna walk again, normal,

and you're going to play football,

and get on the fields."

I said, "So, what you need to do..."

I say, "...You need to look down at your ankles,

and say, you gotta get up out of this bed,

you gotta get back on the field again.

It's some more--"

I told him there's some money in those ankles,

and it ain't gonna come out of this bed.

And so, he just looked at me laughing.

I said-- and I got up in the room, and I said,

"This is what you need to do."

I said, "I can do it, but you need to do it."

One day, I was going to the weight room,

and he never knew that me and him had the same injury

until I showed him the scar of my injury

and my ankle surgery.

And he was like, "Oh, wow."

That's when he started doing extra therapy,

and things on his own,

so, he was able to get his foot back again.

It was a sight to see, 'cause all of it came together.

His work ethic and-- and understanding the game

and seeking knowledge,

and he did that when he was playing,

he also did that when he was injured.

And I remember it till this day, Coach Alan Super called me

from the University of Massachusetts.

He was talking about my injury and stuff

that "We're recruiting you, but--

and we're looking at the injury."

And I think, "Ah, man."

It's like, "We don't have an issue with

you sitting off for a year and getting it right."

I'm like, "Okay, hold on, what's going on here?"

Like, "Get yourself together,

for a year, if you have to, we'll let you rehab here,

we want to offer you a full ride scholarship."

He jumped out that bed,

and begin to leap down the hallway on those crutches.

"I got-- I got crutches, I got crutches,

and still getting an offer."

I remember just going into the room,

and just crying like, tears of joy

because I didn't know if I have another opportunity.

And even if another school didn't even offer me,

I know I had at least one.

After the injury, I felt that, you know,

once everything calmed down there,

emotions and stuff, I felt that he was gonna

bounce back very quick.

You just, uh, trust in yourself on the field.

He got-- he got his excitement back that day, uh,

he felt if they was calling him, they must have seen--

knew that he was gonna be able to play again.

That was just the first offer.

He started getting like, one here,

and then one there,

and then, he started getting excited.

Then he got one, uh, from Miami.

That was his school. I mean, from when?

I don't know. Long as we can remember.

Miami-- he's like, "Miami sent one!"

Then he got one from Florida State.

Coaches was coming from everywhere, even to my job.

And I'm like, "I don't know what y'all coming here for,

'cause he's not going out of the state."

"Oh, well, Miss Stevenson,

you know, just give it a chance."

I said, "No, you can't wine me and dine me with that talk,

because I know, after a while, that talk will change."

So, that's kind of how that fell out.

I knew after while

that "Man, you're not going to beat her in this battle."

I'm 17, I can't sign my own paperwork.

She got to sign off on it.

So Freddie ended up in Florida.

For me, to see his eyes, uh, light up again,

it blessed the whole house.

I knew I was going to go to a team early on

that had a chance to play for championships.

So that's what was exciting about that process,

especially for me, playing in high school

on the team that never sniffed the playoffs,

yeah, I'm going to go from losing to winning.

We did have a long talk at my house

about how things would work,

because it was going to be long distance.

College and high school, that-- that's two different ball games.

You really have those college groupies

that just throw themselves at people,

but are you strong enough to avoid that?

It was tough at first, but to me,

it was always the goal, it's still the goal,

I still had that passion for the game,

and I still wanted to go on, and play in the NFL.

Pretty position change in college at Florida State.

I felt like he was a need for the program.

He had a good, you know, first year at-- at linebacker

and, um-- but the position change

was a need for the team which-- that's Freddie.

The best way a linebacker will learn running back is to--

being at running back position.

But the outcome and the good of it is,

he was a team player, he was willing to give up

what got him to that school.

Adjustment wasn't going to be difficult for him.

It was going to be fairly easy, and what happens,

he went over, and the country.

After I overcame everything in high school

and like, God worked out a miracle for me with my legs

just even being in that position,

I think my faith was at an all-time high.

I was proud of that just especially,

coming from my-- my environment.

I'm like-- I'm one of the people that come from this environment

and I'm not in prison,

like, a lot of people don't make it out of

what I've made it out of.

When they won the National Championship,

oh, yeah, he was boosted, he was ready.

"This is meant for me."

Iron sharpens iron,

We have so-- so many guys on the team that are elite.

But I didn't feel like I truly contributed to that.

I appreciated it, but I was ready for that--

that next step as far as being able

to get my opportunity to make an impact.

In the state of Florida you have playoff in that next season,

and if we didn't make the playoffs,

Freddie would train the whole five weeks

by his self, in the weight room.

And I noticed he started having other guys coming in,

so he's a leader by example.

He was always training, so he was always trying

to find a way to get in the weight room

or, um, go running on his own time,

working out, eating clean,

like, he had a whole meal plan, like, he was ready.

My coach, he always told me

I got the guys looked up to me,

and then my peers seen it.

But being that guy that's looked up to

be scary because you know that once you take that step out...

you're held to that standard each and every time.

The scariest part for me,

just understanding my leadership was...

how powerful I knew my voice could be.

I kind of used...

being bipolar...

and what you go through

with that anxiety, depression, um...

to help other people...

understand that they can get through it.

So, I've used the mental illness for that,

that, I'm very proud of.

Some of the most successful people in the world

had to struggle, had to go through

a major struggle to get where they're at.

There's always more you can do, um, to be successful, right?

'Cause everybody wants that title,

"Oh, I'm successful," but there's more.

You're going to have trials.

But at the same time,

you can overcome those trials,

still reach your dream,

still get the-- to a place that you want to be.

Success is when you're in full alignment with yourself.

No more conflicts. You know exactly what you want.

You know exactly who you are, and you're doing exactly that.

When I talk, literally, and I'm-- I play fullback.

And a lot of people don't look up to fullbacks.

They-- they-- they laugh at them, they don't really consider

them a-- a critical piece to the team.

When I talk, people shut up and listen,

and whatever I say, it got done.

You have to be broken down to be built up.

I had an ACL done at FSU,

sophomore year.

You know, the coaches, I guess we wasn't really here,

you know? So, I felt like I should leave,

'cause I felt like I should get more playing time.

I looked up my name for the top safeties.

I'm like, "Hold on.

I'm on the list with Jamal Adams.

I'm on the list with Buddha Baker.

Like, them-- them--

them safety's going to probably be in the Hall of Fame.

I'm on the list there, and I have--

I'm a red shirt,

I haven't touched the field yet."

Going into my, um, sophomore year,

that spring, I had, um,

pulled a hamstring.

I couldn't really do anything for a good little minute.

That's when Dalvin Cook came in.

Once he came in, they pretty much, you know,

had-- already had it in mind,

like, that I was-- I was really, like, done.

When I was 23 years old,

a lot happened in that year.

I published my book, I got married,

our first son was born,

two and a half months early,

so, he was two pounds and ten ounces.

And then he was put in the-- the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit

for about three and a half months.

And I started selling the weed

while I was working at the group home.

And I told myself I'm doing this

to make money for my newborn baby.

But truthfully, I was doing it for my ego.

When my first real struggle came was when I hurt my shoulder.

That was like my first real big test of life.

I had to make that transition now,

you know, it was like, my whole life,

baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball.

Now baseball was over, and it was time now

to go into the real world.

My whole life, I basically-- they-- they were investing

everything that they had into me.

So, when it all came to an end,

it was now, "Okay, how-- what am I gonna do now?"

It was, uh, two days after my birthday,

October 27th, 2006, I just turned 17.

Uh, they was gonna have LSU scouts at the game.

The special team coach was like, "Hey, bro,

come on, you on kick off, let's go!"

I'm like, "Coach, I wasn't in it-- on it all week,

so why-- why you want me on there now?"

He was like, "Oh, we have a-- good return to make

that we wanna shut 'em down." I was like,

"All right, bet, whatever."

So, I just got on there, told my best friend, I said,

"I'm about to make this tackle, watch this."

I was on the left-hand side, shot out of there,

and I got down, Payten Jason was the return,

I got down there, I dove in there,

I didn't drop my head, I-- I-- it was up like this,

and I just dove in,

and his knee connected with the crown of my helmet

and it jacked my neck back.

Man, it was crazy.

Everything-- I-- I rolled over, everything was out.

Everything just went dark.

I end up leaving after my ACL tear.

I found out my-- that surgery done at FSU was done wrong,

after two more surgeries at my second school.

I still was getting recruited by scouts,

and I still haven't touched the field yet in three years.

I would say I'm just as good as Dalvin.

That's what I believe,

and a lot of other people believe that, too.

Once I did battle back from the hamstring injury,

I had a labrum-- another labrum repair,

because one of the screws got popped out

of my, um, previous surgery from high school.

So, they had to go back in and repair it.

And I missed some time doing that, too.

I got a refund check from school.

Instead of putting that $2,000 up

for our son, I bought 22-inch rims,

you know, chrome wheels for my Impala.

So, when I started back selling drugs,

it made me look like a successful drug dealer.

Because I had a new car with 22-inch wheels.

That car was my net worth.

And that car was my self-worth.

By me going back to the streets

after promising my wife I wouldn't, she left me.

I hit rock bottom and it was tough.

For the first time in my life, I had no sense of direction.

And within, like, a few seconds, everything just drowned out

and I just see this big bright white light.

I don't know. I can't even explain.

Like, it was this, "Hah,"

like, I-- it was just a bright white light,

and I was just in this room.

I was looking around this room,

and I was like, "Man, like... where am I?"

And in a few seconds,

my coach came with smelling salt, boom, woke me up.

I got up, took my helmet off,

walked off the field,

not knowing my neck was broken.

Not-- I didn't feel anything, nothing.

The second play...

I feel a sharp pain.

I look, and I saw my dad, immediately.

I went straight to him, I said, "Dad."

I said, "Something back here is bothering me."

So, he set me down, they gave me an ice bag,

gave me some ibuprofen to swallow.

I'm like, "Oh, I can't swallow." Like, "Oh, I can't--"

I'm trying to get it all up.

That's when I feel this-- like, something just stab--

like, something just-- just slice me down my back,

like, something just stab--

I'm like, "Dad, get the ambulance.

Something ain't right. Get the ambulance."

What I thought about Freddie going to the NFL,

when someone told me, um, it would have been shocking.

The draft came up,

and teams were reaching out to me saying

they were going to take me in the fourth or fifth round,

so I'm getting excited.

Fourth to fifth round for a fullback

is like another player getting drafted

in the first or second.

We were at his mom's house watching the draft.

He was seeing, like, people before him

that were getting drafted, and then he was like,

"Wait a minute, like,

why is he getting drafted before me?"

The day was a little bit different.

It was-- you know?

Because you want it for your child, you know?

And then it don't happen.

So, I knew, even though he wasn't saying it,

it bothered him.

A lot of kids don't get that.

Just in a position, just waiting for your name

to be called to something as big as the NFL.

Life takes a lot of resilience,

because something can and will go wrong.

Freddie was very excited to get that opportunity

to, uh...

go to Chicago and play with the Bears,

'cause it was, like, a dream of his.

The day he got cut, he called me.

He texted me.

And told me, uh, he said, um...

"They told me to bring my iPad."

And I say, "What that mean?"

And he said, "That means you're cut."

The Bears were big on me

at the Senior Bowl Scout, and me there,

and my agent told me

that they gave me the best opportunity

to make the team.

They talk about using me

as a running back, H-back, a lot of different things.

I ended up signing with the Bears.

You know, he said, "I got cut," and-- and I heard

the-- the discouragement, all of it,

I heard it in his voice.

It happens all the time in football.

Sometimes, they use people for camp bodies,

and I feel like I was used for a camp body.

That's when I was like,

"Man, I'm not even rocking with football like that anymore.

Like, I'm moving on."

It just hit my heart right then

that he was heavy.

And I could feel it.

110%, every time. He gave it his all as--

plus more, to do what he was supposed to do

in the weight room, and to work out

and show the coaches the best who he can be.

You know, if I would've got upset and all of that, you know,

it wouldn't have did him no good for him,

because he's already down in the dumps.

And now, what, I'm-- I'm getting upset,

and that ain't helping the problem at all.

So, you know, I talked to him, and talked to him,

I said, "Well, Freddie, you know you got a degree."

Start filling out you some job applications.

I just became angry and bitter,

because I gave this game everything,

and they continued to do me wrong.

So, at that point, I was just bitter

and that's when my mindset started to shift to--

to a dark place.

I wanted to rebel against everything

I was told growing up.

Like, my parents always told me there was a promise on my life,

and that I would play in the NFL.

So, like, man, I felt like I was being lied to.

Like, everything from God, the-- that I was taught before.

I just wanted to go against everything that I was taught.

When they cut him,

I lost my, uh,

desire to even watch football for a while.

.

Because my concern was about my son.

I was just training, training, training,

and at the end of it, I was left with nothing,

and I was like, "I only got $650 in my account."

Like, after all this, that I-- I-- laid out,

I had tens of thousands of dollars,

and all I got was 650 left.

Like, this is crazy to me.

That's when he turned into a whole other person

I've never met before.

So, I told myself, like, "I'm gonna make me some money.

I'm tired of struggling. I'm-- I'm ti-- I'm tired of this.

I've been lied to my whole entire life."

Nothing terrifies people like facing a moment in life

where their former identity is suddenly gone.

Who are you supposed to be now?

That was my way of kind of rebelling.

And really, I was seeking for that-- that identity.

I got addicted to the-- the-- the love and notoriety

that I got from playing football.

And how I grew up,

the only people that get that notoriety

like football players are drug dealers.

Most crimes are committed out of desperation.

Nobody wants to put their life on the line

or be at risk of going to prison.

People don't want to do that.

The only reason they do that

is if they feel they have no other option.

What I wanted to do starting out

was have some friends move it for me

to keep my face out of everything,

like, everybody knows me, but they want hustlers.

I give-- I give it to him,

it'll take him, like, two, three weeks,

like, me, I got a quarter-pound, I can move this in the day.

And then I had a friend that introduced me

to, like, pills and all different type of things

and that's when I really started running up money fast.

Like, my mom said then, was...

"Let's go as hard as we possibly can,

and li-- live reckless, and if there's a purpose for me,

nothing will happen."

He used to leave a lot at night.

I never knew why.

Me, I'm a very understanding person.

And Freddie was a damn good liar.

Because I believed everything that came out that man's mouth,

like-- and I was in, like--

I was in the dark the whole time,

so I didn't know the things

that he was doing behind my back.

She thought I was cheating on her,

like, I would leave out late and stuff,

just to go, like, make a drop or something like that.

One night, he started texting me.

He was like, "I'm gonna make you my wife.

I'm gonna give you the biggest ring,

'cause you deserve everything and so much more."

He was like, um,

"I'm so thankful to have you in my life,"

like, going on and on and on,

and I'm just like,

"Okay, I appreciate that, but where is this coming from?"

And I just remember one night,

I was like, "Man, Let me just go ahead and tell her

so she don't think I'm cheating on her."

"I have to talk to you face to face."

So, I was like, "Okay."

So, I'm like, "Um, what does he have to talk--

Like, did you get a girl pregnant?

Do you have a STD? Like, what? You know, what is it?"

So, he gets home, and I'm like,

"Okay, what do you need to talk-- talk to me about?"

So, he starts kinda smirking a little bit.

So, I'm like, "What's wrong with you?"

And he was like, "Come on, let's sit down,

'cause I have to tell you something,

but I don't know how you going to do deal-- deal with it."

So, I'm like, "All right."

So, he goes, "Um, I started selling."

I said, "Started selling what?

What are you talking about?"

"I started selling weed."

"Excuse me, what? You started doing what?

Selling weed? Is that what you just said?"

And he was like, "Yeah."

So, I'm looking at him. I didn't say anything to him.

I left the table and just walked in the room.

And she was pissed.

And she wasn't talking to me, and then one day,

I just came and put $20,000 on the table.

It was like-- I didn't say anything,

but it was just like, "Man, shut up."

Like, "That's $20,000."

You could be dead right now. You could be in jail.

He wasn't-- he didn't care.

You-- he had the mindset to-- "If I go to jail, so what?

If I die, so what?

Nothing great-- nothing great has happened to me anyways.

I'm supposed to be in the NFL right now

and can't even do that."

I knew, like, just with her, regardless,

she was gon' rock with me through whatever.

She didn't-- she didn't enjoy that process,

but she knew, like, I was battling-- battling mentally.

I felt like if I would've left him,

I would've left him at his weakest time.

And who am I to leave him at a weakest time?

And we all go through weaknesses.

So, I felt as though I need to be his support system.

I may not agree with it,

but I just know it's gonna happen

just for a little bit until he actually

falls on his ass, and be like, "Okay.

This isn't what I'm supposed to do."

When you're going through adversity,

one of the best things is you find out who everybody is.

I had got all of my trophies

from all of my newspaper clippings,

all of my trophies, medals from my whole life,

accolades from sports.

When I came home that night,

I went in, and my wife and I, we were talking and we made up.

"Hey, I'm sorry." And all of this.

And then a little-- little later that night

around one o'clock in the morning,

said, "You know, let's go to Taco Bell, I'm hungry."

And I came outside and I went to my car--

my parking spot, and my car wasn't there.

You know, I'm thinking

they're really gonna try to clear me in 2008.

So, I'm working out with my dad.

I'm getting faster, stronger, and I-- Okay, football is here.

And then when I get there, they all just deny me.

And that's what made me go into that slump.

I-- I--

When they-- all three of the doctors

said the exact same thing.

It-- it sounded like they was all in one of those conversa--

those same meetings with-- with a-- a-- a higher guy

telling them, "Tell him no,

it's a liabili-- a liability form.

You know, if he walks around the facility,

if he lifts weights, anything can happen to his neck.

So no, we're not gonna clear him."

All three of them say the same thing.

I said, "Well, football is out of the question now,

so what I'm gonna do with my life now?"

I was promoting my book.

And then the pandemic hit.

And a lot of things happened.

My mom and dad moved out of my house.

The pan-- it was-- I felt the end of the world.

General Hospital shut down for four months.

That's never happened in my life.

And I wasn't gonna go to New York to promote the book.

So, I felt this kind of--

when my wife told me all this at the same time,

I felt this rush inside of me.

And after that...

I had the worst anxiety ever.

And I'm like, "Man, where did I park at?"

And I'm looking around, and then I look at the ground

and I see a bunch of glass on the pavement,

and I'm like, "It--I can't--"

I-- I'm like, "No, no, this cannot happen."

And it was like I lost my child.

I cared more for that status symbol

than I did for my son,

who was two pound, ten ounces,

in the NICU fighting for his life.

So, when I got to the house, um...

immediately I just felt something was off.

When I ran outside, I just--

I see my nephew, like, floating face down in the pool.

The words can't describe, like, the feeling.

I run, I grab my nephew out the pool as fast as I can.

I'm screaming, I've never screamed like this in my life.

I just remember just screaming to God,

"God, don't take my nephew.

Don't you take my nephew from me."

I just remember screaming that.

When the doctors were telling me no,

I just felt... depressed.

I felt like I wasn't worth nothing.

I felt like football was all I had.

Football was all I needed

and it's being taken away from me.

What else do I have?

I don't care about school. I don't.

Only way I was gon' care about school

is if I was playing.

But I wasn't. So, you know what I'mma do now?

I'mma go back into my dark mode.

I was playing the video games, just being out all night.

Man, cutting class, not going to school, drinking.

My trauma was still eating at me.

I would have nightmares.

It's-- I'm waking up with chills.

Seeing my daddy abuse, seeing a bat

just being swung at my head, like, I'm-- I'm-- I'm--

I'm calling my momma at 3:00, 4:00 in the morning.

"Mom, I think I-- I think I want to kill myself.

I think I want to k--

I'm-- I'm telling-- like, we're having deep talks,

conversations, man, 'cause I-- I didn't know what to do.

I-- I was lost.

I was at a point where, forget meditating,

forget anything else, it's not gonna work,

and I may not be here tomorrow.

Suicidal ideation happens when people feel

there's just no way out.

You've got no choices.

Any one of us can get into that position.

That was my worth. That was who I was.

That represented success.

It represented that I made it.

And really, I was in debt.

I owed a loan on the car,

and the-- the $2,000 for the rims was a loan from the school.

And-- that you pay off for the rest of your life.

And so, I-- I just cried. I cried and I cried.

And I felt violated, you know?

I felt like someone had taken my innocence.

So, I had to spend four months...

...with these thoughts.

And...

...I ended up finding a-- a psychiatrist.

Now...

he was a-- kind of a quack.

Okay?

But the son of a bitch saved my life.

I got there right at, like, the five-minute mark,

and I had got there, I guess, right on time,

because Lord knows where he would be if I hadn't.

And Lord knows how long he had been out there.

It's like, "What you want me to see,

like, what you trying to teach me?"

That's what-- that's my question I had to God.

It showed me that God is real

'cause right now my nephew is doing fine.

He's breathing on his own.

He's doing better each and every day.

We're all from this broken mindset,

from this scarcity mindset.

They stole a car because they think that is valuable.

I'm crushed because I think it's valuable.

What we don't value is our minds.

What we don't value is our life.

We value material possessions

because we equate that as our worth.

That's when I met my ex-wife.

She helped me find the light.

She helped me find my passion again.

Like, she helped me reignite my light, um,

and-- and to the sport I love, right?

She helped me not give up.

For that time and moment, it was a match made in heaven

because when I found out she was playing football

and she was athletic, I'm like,

"Oh, well, let me get out there, you know,

let me-- let me get-- put on some cleats

and go-- go play with her.

And that's where I found it at.

You know, something that a lot of people do is,

you know, they start something and they don't finish things.

And that was a huge problem that I had in the beginning.

And that's why I struggled to get success

because I had to have, "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do this,"

and I wouldn't do it.

"Yeah, I'm going to read this book,"

but I wouldn't read the book, you know,

"Yeah, I'm going to, you know, do this, do this, do that,"

but I wouldn't do it.

So I had a very bad habit of starting things

and never finishing them.

When I started to discipline myself

and hold myself accountable for it,

like, that was when everything started to change.

And we want people to hold us accountable.

And we want people to, you know, keep us disciplined.

But in reality, you can't count on other people

because other people are not even disciplined.

Other people don't even want it as bad as you.

And people don't even have the same vision as you.

I was very nervous, very nervous.

I-- I thought I was going to die if I make a hit, right?

Because it's been that long.

If I want to play again,

this is what I'm gonna have to do.

That was my first game back,

and the running back was like 6'4",

200 and like 50, like, a big old running back,

and, uh...

...and they ran a tall sweep.

And I'm like, "Oh, whoa." And they coming my way.

My-- I'm on the right side. So they running tall sweep.

I'm like, "Oh, man, they comin' my way."

I-- I-- I'm like, "T-- this is it."

Either I'm gonna die or I'm gonna be alive.

And I'm just-- my-- I'm processing this in my head

as I'm seeing this guy run.

I'm like, "Oh, man, I'm gonna die or I'm gonna be--"

Boom.

Flipped him, made the tackle.

I said, "I'm not dead. I'm not dead."

I'm-- I'm like, I'm not dead.

I was so-- I was-- bro-- I was so-- my team was like,

"Bro, what's wrong?" I'm like, "Bro, I'm not dead."

I'm not dead," 'cause they--

because that's all that was in my mind.

You make any other contact, any anything, you can die.

I say, "Well, let me see."

And we made my tackle. And that was it.

I say the rest is history, Breaux Show is back.

I made a decision that I was gonna,

um, you know, I was gonna focus on three things a day.

And- I h-- and-- and--

and in order for me to put an X on the calendar for that day,

I had to complete those three tasks.

So every day I had to read,

listen to an audio and write in my journal.

My calendar was my accountability partner.

Those big transformative moments in your life,

you're not going to see them coming.

You didn't think you were going to get there,

but when it happens, everything changes.

I would drive on a bridge past the Superdome.

Every time I passed the Superdome,

I will point at it, I'm like,

"I'm gonna be playing in that one day.

"I'm gon--" every time I pass.

I'm like, "I don't know why I'm doing this,

but I'm always telling myself I'm going to play in there."

Every time I pass, "I'm going to play in there."

My spiritual relationship was just all over the place

during college, it was up, it was down.

I was leaving myself open to take those punches.

It was, like, a consistent thing, right?

I'm going to read it

because I want to feel that source of spiritual energy.

I want to-- I need to feel it.

Also because I was going through a lot.

I needed it, you know what I'm saying? So...

Tyrell would always read the Bible,

and I come in like, "Why are you reading the Bible?"

And it's me as a kid

that grew up in the church, asking him that.

I don't know,

with him going through the process of-- of time,

that he knew to trust God through the process.

I don't know if because he was young

and didn't understand, but he had to trust--

even like me with five children, single,

I had to trust God through the process.

Sometimes even after you know it's time to turn around,

instead of me going straight there,

sometimes we just halted and wanted to go the long way.

You-- you-- you know,

that's sometimes, you know, pride makin' you not just yield.

My dad would always try to send me Bible scripture.

I'm like-- he said the same thing he said

when I was.

He's doing this to shape your character.

You have a bigger purpose.

If we had one piece of bread, he still was taking care of us.

If we had two pennies, he still was taking care of us

because somebody, somewhere,

didn't have one slice of bread, not even the two pennies.

I saw the changes, and I saw him doing the job

and stuff like that, but it's, uh...

I watched him, I knew he was in pain.

I got to the point, literally, like,

"Oh, my-- oh, man, God isn't doing it for me,

I'm doing it for myself."

Like-- and it's crazy.

After I was just praying to God

for an opportunity to play ball again,

but now a little adversity hit me

and now, um, I flipped again.

I said, "Freddie, you have to realize...

in life, nothing's given to us.

"Nothing's given to us. Nothing.

"What you have in your hand at this time,

take what you have in your hand

and make what you have in your hand-- make it work."

If God's real, then why am I going through this?

Like, I was more so focused on life

and-- and-- being a human being,

and just tapping in with my spiritual side,

like, life has to play out,

I think that matters more than being in touch

with God, The Creator.

You don't have to do nothing in the wrong way

because it will never pay you good

if you're tryin' to do it the wrong way.

And you-- even though you trust in that process,

you're going to go through some suffering, yeah.

And no, I can't tell you it feels good 'cause it doesn't.

Though he was nervous and scared,

he didn't want to tell me for-- for me.

Anytime you got a drug then you don't know

how it's gonna go down, it can end up in a shootout.

You don't-- you don't know. You can get pulled over.

So you're paranoid with everything.

I told him that life wasn't worth it.

I-- I mean, I told him.

I said, "Hey, man, I've been there before."

I said, "I'd rather be broke than get that kind of money

because you always got to look over your shoulder."

I said, "My dreams, you know my dreams don't fool me."

I said, "If you're doing something

you ain't got no business, you better stop."

You don't know who you can trust.

And then one-- one wrong move

can be the reason you lose it all.

Like there can be undercovers, they can, um,

take your life from you,

you just gotta watch your back at all times.

That's when I was like, "Well, what's wrong with the house?

What-- and he-- "No, we need more security.

"We need more security.

I don't like you, you know, going out by yourself."

"I don't go out by myself, What are you talking about?"

"No, you know what I mean."

Like, he would try to make up different excuses

for us to move out the house.

My change wasn't by choice, it was by force.

I'm under a heavy investigation and I didn't know

like, eyes were on me for a while.

I remember one of the guys, one of the detectives,

he said, "Man, I saw you play in high school."

He brought me to the side.

"I saw you play in high school,

I know what you're battlin' with right now."

I remember in the middle of this conversation,

like a rage has settled over me. I don't like cops.

Because I understand-- I understand you don't trust me.

But he didn't let it bother him 'cause he just walked off,

"I want to look out for your best interest."

He went on to lay down every single thing

that they were about to do.

Like, "Man, they're about to get a warrant

to search your house."

So we ended up moving to a spot

that had a lot of-- lot of security

then I found out I was pregnant.

So I did what I needed to do.

And, like, at-- at the time

it was crazy because I didn't trust him.

So I thought maybe he was trying to set me up.

But sometimes in life

you got to play the only chips that you got.

So I just waited it out, and then I went over there

just kind of, like, ducked off.

Someone addressed him for the type of situation,

and was like, "Listen,

you better get your stuff cleaned out now

before things start getting rough for you."

It's a guy that comes in from somebody that I trust.

We make this deal.

And he's-- I guess he recognizes me from ball.

He was like, "Yo, what- what are you doing out here?"

And I'm like, "You don't worry about that.

"Like, just make sure you got the money right."

And he's like, "Man, you shouldn't be out here."

And I'm like, "Yo, do you see you just--

what you just paid me?"

He's like, "Man, that doesn't matter.

"You can do way more than this.

"Like, I know you didn't go to college

"and do all these things just to be out here with us,

like, a lot of us don't make it far."

He just looked at me like he was disappointed.

And I didn't know this guy, so it just stuck with me.

Like, man, I'm on the streets making all this money.

But I knew I-- I knew I was--

failing myself, like, God has way more for me.

And that kind of stuck with me, like, I ain't--

what he said, like, "You went to college to just do this?

"You could have did this out of middle school.

You didn't even have to go to-- finish high school to do this."

I just told Freddie blunt, "Man, this is--

"you-- you got too much going for yourself to--

to be playing with this mess, you know?"

Yeah, it was hot for me for a while,

but it was crazy to me because...

the guy that helped me out, I remember him saying,

"Man, they have everything that they need

to arrest you right now, I don't know why they aren't."

He's like, "But I'm going to make sure

that a-- arrest doesn't happen."

And that's how I felt, like, God was looking out for me.

Like, before then I wasn't worried about God,

but then I was like, "Man, God is still,

like, looking out for me

even after me turning my back on him."

That was like...

"Oh, shoot, I really need to get my life together."

And my daughter just came.

I-- No.

That same night, he went straight to the house,

cleared up everything, Cloroxed everything,

got rid of every single thing when my daughter came.

The journey that Freddie was on during that time...

I know it...

was important because that's a journey

that we all have to go through

if we're going to achieve success,

and we have to find out...

for ourselves who we are.

Because when we find out for ourselves who we are

we find out who we are not.

And many times you have to go through that-- that dark side

in order for you to recognize, "This is not me."

I was depressed, but there's al--

you gotta fight for that 10%.

Like, there's always a small part of you that believes

you can go on to achieve something greater.

And every day I will--

fighting for that 10%,

like, part of me continuing for some reason,

continue to write down notes in that book.

Right-- right now, write it down, write it down.

Write it down. Write it down.

If you writing a book, you better start

thinking about what you're going to say.

Or go ahead and put in your notes

and just start typing and have somebody edit it.

So he was like, "Yeah.

"'cause I think I'm gonna write a book about my life.

I feel like we've been through way too much."

I was like, "That's a good idea."

To this day, I feel like that was one of the moments

that kind of changed the course of my life,

just seeing her born and just...

understanding that you're responsible--

responsible for another human being,

it made me look at everything differently.

A-- a child could help slow you down.

Because you wanna be the best for 'em.

When she first came

and he first witnessed her first cries

that was when he was like,

"Nah. I gotta do better."

I'm not going to be locked up to where my kid doesn't know me.

I'm not going to be dead on the streets.

Whatever she needs me to do to-- to help raise her

and be the perfect role model for her, I'll do it.

That was his pivot point

it felt like, because when she came...

he's all about her now,

"How is my family and myself going to survive?"

It's always my family.

His family comes first.

Well, reached out to me to come and speak.

Athleticism put him on the-- put him on a platform,

but it is his voice now.

That's the thing that's really needed for his generation.

I went out there and spoke there.

Um, I just poured out my heart.

It was my first time ever, like, speaking--

speaking, like, I'm a guy in college

that shied away from that type of stuff.

And that is the thing

that he had to come to grips with over time.

It wasn't something that he just automatically embraced

because he was so used to being able to dominate

on that football field physically.

I remember them paying me and I-- I wanted to go back

and drive back home.

Like, "Here, you can have your money back."

I was scared. What if this really is for me?

Like, after all this time of me not caring,

I'mma actually starting to care about something again.

So that's-- that was scary to me.

I feel like he just put everything into,

like, becoming a better, like, speaker,

better writer, better listener, just--

The coach used to tell Freddie to speak up

because everybody would listen.

He-- I don't know, he just had that lure in that voice

to do that.

I don't-- I can't tell you, it's just God's gift.

So if he was speaking, everybody would listen,

but he didn't do it enough.

He had a voice that could impact somebody,

impact their life to want to do something.

I didn't finish that book until I was, like,

walkin' in the purpose, while I was still living wrong,

I-- I wasn't interested in, like, fully completing it.

And once I started seeing the positive side--

side of life again, that's when I made it--

made it my duty to finish the book.

So he opened his mouth, he had a voice.

He didn't rely on football, on sports.

His voice, his voice, I said, "Your voice got you to here."

It was his divine responsibility and him understanding...

that he wasn't looking for an identity

because he had already established that

at such a young age.

We were thinking that it was going to be football,

but football was just a platform

to push him to where he is today.

At the wall, you just realize, like,

"Man, there-- there's a-- a bigger calling,

that this isn't just a coincidence."

Maybe, like, the first few times you're like,

"Oh, it's just coincidence.

Then you realize at-- at the wall, like,

nothing in life is a coincidence.

You were meant to be here at this time.

It was meant to happen.

And it was meant to play out this way.

To go from that to, you know, college, NFL,

and then to have this happen to him now.

And, you know, the failures that he's gone through

to now making that into a success story.

People love that, because, you know, something I learned

was if you want to impress people,

tell people you're accomplishments.

But if you want to impact people,

tell people your failures.

The real men...

were the guys like Freddie.

You know, the guys who were bold enough

to walk their path.

And to sacrifice and to dedicate themselves

to a legal craft.

To get everything out of it that they could get from it.

And so that's what I learned about manhood.

And manhood is being able to...

Do your own thing and-- and do what you know is right

and having a moral compass.

You know, a moral code that you live by.

And you don't compromise that

just because of what the crowd is doing.

I remember going out there just being vulnerable

in front of the crowd and they responded.

And just that feeling I got after that...

I don't know, I knew-- I just knew that

I was doing something that I was created to do.

It felt like I was walking in purpose.

When I got into acting, I was told, "Don't talk about,

um, being bipolar because you won't get hired."

It's a stigma.

So I didn't, and I got General Hospital,

and then months into it,

I did this little interview in a magazine,

and I got a letter,

because you get letters at that time.

This boy who said that by reading about what I said...

it helped him deal with his brother,

who took a gun and killed himself.

He was bipolar.

Then I thought, "I gotta talk about it."

I'm not gonna not talk about it and-- and not--

haven' t showed up since.

Because I kept getting hurt, I didn't have a voice at first.

Um, I wasn't able to feel that complete inside.

When I started training

I started feeling a sense of happiness inside,

where money can't buy this.

Going from...

feeling worthless and not having no purpose to...

Saving a life, potentially.

It really shows you that you have purpose.

The image in my head was my family...

and other people...

that watch State of Mind, or anything else that I've done,

or who bought my book, if I kill myself...

it gives them the license to kill themselves.

Everybody actually wants the same thing.

They want to find peace with themselves.

If somebody wrote something because of what I do and...

I was getting too overwhelmed by things, right?

And she said...

"The thing about what you do is

it makes us feel we're not alone."

That's why I can't really...

stop doing this.

Being mentally ill, you-- we have to feel proud of it.

Like, I'm proud. I'll tell you why I'm proud.

Because it's made me the actor I am.

It's just made me the person I am

and like I tell people, "When you're mentally ill

you-- you're just a little more interesting."

I've heard it said that some people are called,

and some people just came.

And I was one of the people that was called

because I failed oral communications class

in college because I could not give a two-minute speech

to a room of 15 peers.

And so to go from the least likely...

to being one of the top...

you know, Black American coaches,

one of the top coaches regardless of race,

in the country and in the world.

It was something that I couldn't have dreamt of.

It was something that I couldn't have written myself.

Even if you don't see it right now,

just understand that he is God.

He is Great I Am.

And there's nothing he cannot conquer

and nothing you can't conquer with him.

I just feel like he's just showing me,

like, he's in control of all the things.

No matter how they look, no matter how bad things get.

He just wants me to know that he got me.

He got all of us.

When you think you can't, you truly can.

Now, I've done it so many times now...

that I, you know, I truly believe it.

I woke up with that.

I said, "I'm going to make this thing."

"I didn't went through all these workouts in Denver,

"you know, New England, Huston, and nobody want me.

I know who I am. I know I'm the best."

It was like a dream.

I dreamt this-- I dreamt this moment,

and I wasn't gonna let it slip.

Sean Payton got his little leg up, with his glasses on.

You know, just-- just-- with a little, "Hey."

"Oh, man, hey, you look good out there, man.

"We were watching you on the field.

You look good out there, man. Like-- he said, um,

"I don't want you sign--"

he said, "I don't want you leaving here

without signing a contract." I said, "What?"

Everything inside here was just happy.

They don't know I'm about to sign with the Saints.

This is about to go crazy.

Even when I wrote my first book

and I sent it to the Internet publisher,

they were like, "Man, you read a lot of books.

And I was like, "I've never read a book."

They said, "How did you write a book

"if you've never read a book,

because your book is formatted just like a book."

And I just did it

from what I thought a book would look like.

And so it was kind of, like, this innate gifting...

that I still don't understand to this day.

You know, just being able to see business,

and being able to put things together,

and being able to turn, like, an idea

into something that is real.

It was just something that-- it kind of--

it-- it was put in me.

And that's what makes me believe in God.

To be honest, I don't even know what's--

what's gonna happen in my life next, you know?

I'm still working on being a better person every day,

still working on finding my true purpose besides sports.

But I know I'm excited because I know

God has something in store for-- for me.

I learned, like, my true worth as a person,

and I learned that material things don't define me,

and that money doesn't define me,

but that I have a gift and I have a purpose,

and that my currency is in my character.

There's always somebody sitting there going...

"We couldn't eat either but you know what?

"Look what Freddie Stevenson's doing.

So maybe I have a shot. Maybe I have a chance."

Somebody who's in a mental hospital right now.

He could be-- could watch this eventually when he gets out

and he could say, "Well, you know, wow."

"Maurice Benard was in a mental hospital and now he's...

he's gotten and success.

That's what this does.

I wasn't a public speaker.

No.

And even, like, now, uh,

people think it's just easy to get up there.

I'm up for hours at night before I come,

uh, and then when I get here...

I either go straight to my office and butterflies--

oh, my goodness, from back there to up there,

it feels like it's a ten-mile walk.

But I've learned that, uh,

you want to trust God to do it,

you don't want to get arrogant.

And a lot of times my message has changed...

right when I walk up there.

I have notes. I have points.

Sometimes I just take them and don't get to use them.

It's-- it's-- it's-- it's--

that's a straight, hard walk up there.

That's what he called me to do, and that's what I love to do.

I don't want to be in the NFL.

That's my passion.

That's my zone.

That's-- I mean, I love to--

I love to do what God has called me to do.

And not what-- I'm--

I'll say this, I have--

nobody has these fingerprints but me.

I'm the best me.

I'm the best me.

It's been 11 years I met her

in my tenth grade year at high school.

And just to see her stick around.

It's easy for people to stick around

during the highest moments,

but she's always been there at my lowest moments.

And I wanted to make sure that

she got to experience this time with me,

so it's special.

I know that we're gonna have a lot more days like this.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited about it.

Yeah, I'm excited about it, so I mean...

with that-- with that kind of being said,

I was wondering if...

Oh.

You for real?

Yeah.

-If you would be-- -Oh, my--

Oh, my God.

-Will you be my wife... -Yes!

Yes.

...and enjoy the rest of these days with me?

Well, I feel great.

I got my ring now. My nails are done.

Thank God. Good job.

My nails are done, so we can show that bad boy off.

Look at it, it's so pretty.

This is it, this is truly what I meant to be doing,

'cause for a while I didn't know who-- what was meant for me.

I didn't know what my identity was.

I didn't know what my calling was.

Like, we felt like that was our identity,

but we were way more than football players, you know?

My message every day, like,

one of the things I strive to do,

I know that I'm not going to reach everybody in the world,

you're just not going to be able to.

But if I can impact at least one life a day,

then I've done more than enough.

You around the right people, I feel like you can strive.

And that's what Freddie is starting to do.

He's starting to surround himself around good people

the right influences, you know, started reaching out to people

who can, like, help him, like, promote his book,

like, just things like that, going in the right direction.

He had a bestseller, and, just, he's now, like,

one of the best speakers in his community.

Where Freddie came from to where he's at now

is a miracle, you know what I'm saying?

That's what I strive to do each and every day,

just walking in that purpose

and living it out as best as I possibly can.