All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S05E01.1080p.WEB.H264-CAKES

- [woman] Ah, come on. No.
- [rattling]

No. No. [sighs]

- It's got to be...
- [♪ Soft Cell: "Tainted Love"]

- What is that?
- ♪ Tainted love ♪

- ♪ Now I know I've got to...
- No.

Where are the...?
[sighs] Damn it.

Why can't anything ever be
where it's supposed to be

when I need to...

- Did you see it there?
- I did not.

I was digging through this bag
for ten minutes,

and you just sat there?

I thought
you were looking for a pen.

Why would I be
looking for a pen?

Because you often
look for a pen...

There's a pen right there
on the table. Two pens.

- ...when a thought occurs
to you.
- You're the one taking notes.

Not everything that happens
to you is somebody else's fault.

Okay. Should I write that down
with one of the two pens?

- Do you remember...
- Yes, I remember where I was.

[groans] I should shave my head.

She'd just love that.

I always remember where I was.

I can keep several complex
thoughts in my head at one time.

That's why NASA keeps begging me
to move to Florida.

[sighs]

Four o'clock in the morning,
the phone rings

because that's
when she finishes her work.

Doesn't matter that
the rest of us have

to be in a lab at 8:00 a.m.

I mean, she's just so...

And everything has to be...
Plus, there's the whole...

- Finish the thought.
- What?

You're supposed to be working
on finishing your thoughts.

- I am finishing my thoughts.
- Well, in your head, yes,
but out loud...

[groans] I'm tired of
being criticized by you.

By her.
It's not my fault

that everyone in the world
is slower than I am.

They always were.

The only person I could
ever talk to was Grandpa.

That's it.
Are you staying over there?

I thought we were
doing the couch today.

You said we were working
on proximity issues.

Sure. Sorry.

You're the one
who set the agenda.

I just wanted some Klonopin.

I'm all settled. Good?

- I don't want bangs.
- You don't have to get bangs.

Who calls people
at 4:00 in the morning?

Huh? I'm working on my PhD.
That's important, too.

I mean, does the woman not know

that Reno and Boston aren't
in same time zone?

- What are you writing?
- You wouldn't understand.

Well, make me understand.

Molecular kinetic sequencing?

That's what you'd like me
to make you understand?

I thought you were
writing about your mother.

Not everything in the world
revolves around...

[breathes deeply]

I am trying to figure out
how to use DNA mutations

to change the very trajectory
of disease and rearrange it

so we can control the very
basic process in which we...

Wait.

Okay, I did it.

You did? Are you sure?

- Want to check my work?
- No.

I believe you.

My God, Esther, that's amazing.

I mean, what you've done,
right here in my office,

that's a monumental achievement.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell it to my mother!

[phone ringing]

[snoring]

[grunting]

How the fuck was I ever
convinced to use a top sheet?!

God. [grunts]

- Susie somebody's office.
- [Rose] Susie.

Oh, good.
I thought you weren't there.

- Who is this?
- It's Rose.

Miriam is very ill.

What? No.

No, no, no. She doesn't get it
till the 14th.

- I got it marked
on the calendar.
- It's not that.

She came home very late
last night, practically frozen.

What the fuck was she doing
out in a blizzard?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Well, she's your daughter.
You live with her.

She's your client,
and she's never home.

I'm not the one who was supposed
to teach her about snow.

That one's squarely on you.

Well, whosever fault it is,
she got home a block of ice.

Her coat was wool,
so it shrank on her,

and we had to borrow
garden shears from the super

to cut it off her.

We threw her in a hot shower
and put her into bed.

The doctor came.
She's got hypothermia.

- Jesus.
- She's so agitated.

She can't sleep.
She just lies there, babbling.

So we need you to come over
and interpret for us.

You speak Miriam's language

and are familiar with
all that showbiz patois.

- Uh, okay, yeah,
I'll be right over.
- Good.

Now, when you get here,
be careful not to mention toes.

There's a chance
she may lose one or two of them.

She's gonna lose her toes?

We're hoping just
the left middle one.

She'll still be able
to walk somewhat normally,

and fitting into narrow shoes

will actually be easier
without it.

So, lemonade.

- We'll see you soon?
- Yeah. Bye.

Hello? I'm here.

- Susie?
- Yeah.

That door was locked.
How did you get in?

- I still have my key.
- Why?

- [door closes]
- I don't know.
It's on my key necklace.

I just forgot to take it off.

Oh, thank God you're here.

- Let herself right in.
- How is she?

She's still talking nonsense.

She kept the key.
It's now a necklace.

So what?

Hey. Miriam. Update. Please.

No improvement. She's
practically speaking in tongues.

There's a lot of random words,
strange sounds.

She could be speaking bebop.

On the way here, I remembered
she went to Carnegie Hall

last night
to see Lenny's show.

Well, at least we're finally
getting some information here.

Carnegie Hall.

So, she didn't
just lose her mind

and wander out into the snow
because it's pretty.

That was my first theory.

Abe, my God. Your shirt.

It's how it came back
from the cleaners.

Well, put on another shirt.
We have a crisis here.

They all came back like this!

Look, I'm gonna go see
what I can find out.

About the shirt?

Because that's not important
right now.

- [knocking]
- [Susie] Miriam.

It's me, Susie.

[Midge] Gone, gone.

What's gone?

The window.

- The window's gone?
- Open.

The window's gone open?

It's closing.
A door. It's closing.

Nothing's closing.

Cheese and crackers.

Tony Bennett.

What about him?

I slept with him.

You slept with Tony Bennett?

When the fuck
did you meet Tony Bennett?

- He went to bat.
- Who?

Get my hat.

Are you trying to rhyme?

Mm.

Miriam?

- So, apparently,
she had sex with Tony Bennett.
- [Rose] What?

And she wants
some cheese and crackers.

I brought her
a perfectly good manchego.

- She wouldn't eat it.
- How does she know
Tony Bennett?

Did she mention a hat?

When doesn't she mention a hat?

And there was something
about a window and a door.

And these are not helping,
by the way.

I thought
they might calm her down.

[sniffs] Ugh, Zelda,
what smells like donkey balls?

Special Polish fish head soup.

It wards off evil spirits.
Makes your hair shiny, too.

Okay. Well, when you are done

driving down the neighbors'
property values,

make some coffee,
strong coffee.

This is gonna take a while.

- [Susie] Miriam.
- [Midge] Mm.

Miriam, try to focus.

- What happened last night?
- [breathes deeply]

It was cold. Blizzard.

Yes, blizzards are cold.

Walking, walking.

So, you're walking in the cold.

- Frost crotch.
- What?

I got frost crotch.

Frost crotch?
Is that a thing?

My toes.
I'm gonna lose my toes.

You know, there's been
a lot of toe talk,

but, frankly, frost crotch
should've been the headline.

I'm sure
your toes are perfect...

Holy shit. Oh.

- Are they bad?
- No. [chuckles]

[groans] You put your head
between your knees

to keep from passing out, right?

- Susie, tell me.
- Jesus.

What the hell
does your crotch look like?

[music playing on TV]

- Oh, good.
- [Susie sighs]

Susie?

[Abe] Susie?
Did you find out anything?

[Rose] Should we get
the doctor back?

[Abe] Uh, his house call rates
are astronomical,

- so if we can avoid that...
- I saw the toe.

I told you about the toe.

No. No, Rose, you did not
tell me about that toe.

You told me about
a cute little frozen toe,

pink and white like a cherub.

You did not at all prepare me
for the horror show

I just witnessed back there.

You're overreacting.

It's black.

Her toe is black, Rose.

That's not overreacting.
That thing is a goner.

It's like she was in a war,
an old one.

Never mind.

Okay. I'm going back in.

You know, I can't unsee
that toe now, Rose.

You understand that?

I may never
fucking close my eyes again.

You feeling a little better?

Yeah, you maybe want to get up?
Move around a little?

Hey, your kids are watching TV.
Don't you want to see your kids?

The kids can go fuck themselves.

[music playing on TV]

She just said, "The kids can
go fuck themselves."

- What?
- No, they certainly cannot.

Such terrible talk.

I have to tell you, I don't
really know how to proceed here.

- You know what would help?
- [Susie] What?

If you gave that key back.

Well, it certainly
couldn't hurt.

[Midge] [whispers] Susie.

Mm?

- Susie.
- What?

You're up.
How are you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

Hey, did I say my kids
can go fuck themselves?

If it makes you feel any better,

I don't think
the little one heard you.

Oh, good.

So, you want to tell me
what happened last night?

Uh... not much.

I-I was at Carnegie Hall,
there was a blizzard.

I couldn't find a cab,
so I just started walking.

Hey, hey, you think you can
get the Bennett gig back?

Oh, I think that's gone.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

But maybe their second choice
didn't get back to them yet.

Their second choice is ironing
his show pants as we speak.

Me and my stupid manifesto.

"Make me a headliner.
No opening act for anybody."

What an idiotic thing to say.

It wasn't all idiotic.

The part about being able to say
what you want to say,

that was smart.

Maybe I don't have
what it takes.

Maybe I'm not as tough
as I thought I was.

I mean, look at me,

eight inches of snow,
I've become my mother.

I'm in bed, popping pills,
candles everywhere.

Bet I got crystals
under my pillow.

Yep, got crystals
under my pillow.

Three of 'em.

- [cries]
- No, no, no, no.

Come on, think of
something happy, think of shoes.

[crying] My toe.
I'm gonna lose a toe.

Okay, don't think of shoes.
No shoes.

Think of hats.
You like hats.

My hat. I loved that hat.

Listen to me,
tomorrow this will all be

a funny bit
you can use in your act.

[sniffles] I'm so sorry, Susie.

God, I'm so stupid.

We had a plan,
then I went rogue.

I-I tried to do it all myself.

I shouldn't have done that.

You are the one person
who understands me.

You're the person who got me
here, got me anywhere.

I promise
I will never stop trusting

the most important person
in my life ever again.

- Six months.
- [Rose] What?

I got to break her
in six months.

She's got that face.

Harry warned me about that face.

He told me his biggest regret
was not knowing

what that face meant
till it was too late.

They got that face,
they're about to give up.

She's not giving up.
We've come too far.

- And Mike's the key.
- Who's Mike?

I got to go.

Okay. Just one more thing...

I'm not giving you
the fucking key, Abe.

[audience laughing]

So, Thanksgiving's coming up
in a few days.

- [cheering]
- What?

Tomorrow? Really?

- Why am I still in town?
- [laughter]

Yes, Thanksgiving, folks,
a day of food and family.

A day you sit at a table and
look from your father-in-law,

who still hopes his daughter
will come to her senses...

- [laughter]
- ...to your mother-in-law,

who still hopes her daughter
will come to her senses,

to your wife, who still hopes
that she'll come to her senses.

[laughter]

Your wife came to her senses,
didn't she, George?

Quite a few of them, actually.

- [laughter]
- [Gordon] Yes.
Always marry a smart woman.

- Sooner or later,
she'll leave you.
- [laughter]

You know, one of my favorite
Thanksgiving traditions

is to sit in my living room
and watch the overinflated

- cartoonish figures
of my youth float on...
- [mouths]

...by outside
without saying a word.

- [mouths]
- Then when Grandma and Grandpa

are ready to come on inside,
we watch that

- little thing
that Macy's puts on.
- [mouthing]

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I love the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Although
it really does let you know

your pecking order
in show business.

I mean, the Gordon Ford Show has

the greatest studio audience
in the business,

- and I do really mean that.
- [cheering]

But, folks, I'm sorry,

your enthusiasm just pales
in comparison

to any group of kids

when a 12-foot-tall Mighty Mouse
floats overhead.

It's like Elvis with a tail
to those kids.

[laughter]

Another tradition
I love about Thanksgiving is

sitting around the table
and Grandma, of course,

will remind you
that this could be her last.

And then we say,
"Grandma, we know, we know,

but we're all eating
Aunt Rosie's stuffing,

- and none of us are
complaining about it."
- [laughter]

Folks, we got a great show
for you tonight. Stick around.

[cheering]

- I am not trespassing.
- Oh, no?

I am a tourist,
visiting this city

for the very first time,

and I took a wrong turn.

I was looking for
the Brooklyn Botanic Garden.

Classic mix-up.

Look, I'm a manager.
Big, big talent person.

What's your name, Willie?
Get ready, Willie.

You and I are gonna
become best friends.

- You are gonna speak
at my wedding.
- I hate weddings.

Elevator's
your final destination.

NYPD must be kicking themselves
for turning you down, huh?

[woman] Hedy, no!

[Hedy] And I said,
"That is not an ashtray.

That is a 19th century
French barbotine vase."

[laughter]

Oh, you just have to laugh.

Otherwise, the stupidity
of people will make you cry.

[chatter fades]

[indistinct chatter]

[elevator bell dings]

[orchestral music playing
over TV]

[Shirley] Zelda,
it smells like it's boiling.

- [Zelda] It's not boiling.
- [Shirley] It's supposed
to simmer.

- It's simmering.
- Do you know the difference?

- I know the difference.
- Boiling is rapid bubbles.

Simmer is slow bubbles.

[Midge] She knows simmering,
Shirley.

Salt, Zelda, salt.

What is this,
currency back in your country?

Use your fist.

[speaks Polish] Pushy old broad.

- [speaks Yiddish] Cheap goy.
- Fight fair, you two.

- Well, my flowers arrived
and they're all dead.
- What?

They must have gotten my order
mixed up with someone else's.

- What do we do?
- I guess we won't have flowers.

We can't not have flowers,
Miriam, it's Thanksgiving.

All anyone cares about
at Thanksgiving is the flowers.

I'll figure it out.

[singsongy] He smells
the turkey.

He sniffed the air,
I swear he sniffed it.

Rose, look at him sniff.

Astrid, I have scissors here.

If you say something, he'll turn
and look right at you.

- [Chaim fussing]
- Try it, Midge. Here, here.
Say something.

Uh, did you know
the day after Thanksgiving is

- the busiest day for plumbers?
- [squeals] Oh, look! He turned!

- Oh, Shirley, he turned!
- Astrid.

This is a stove.

Never wave a baby
over a stove

unless you're trying
to potty train him.

Get the baby out.
Get the baby out.

- I'll take the baby,
Miss Astrid.
- [laughing]

- [oven dings]
- He's just so aware.

And awake, you know,
like, he's always awake.

You know, never sleeps.

Wait, Shirley, did you just say
you potty train a baby

by dangling them over a stove?

It warms their tush,

that reminds them of
what their tush is for.

I got Joely trained
in an hour and a half.

How often do you all cry?

Where am I?

Aren't you next to Mom?

Oh, actually, I moved
some of the cards around.

I thought it'd be nice
to have the little ones

at the grown-up table so that
Chaim doesn't feel weird.

So, Rose, you're there.
Noah, there.

Moishe, Shirley there, there.

Abe, Midge, and Joel,
I moved you to the kids' table.

- But I'm a grown-up.
- I'll go to the kids' table,
Pop.

Oh, no, but it's Chaim's
first Thanksgiving.

You can't abandon him.

[giggles] Daddy's just
being silly.

- Don't be scared.
- Sorry, Pop.

He's asleep. He won't care.

I think he will.

Yes, but you aren't
a great thinker.

[Midge] Papa, come sit with us.

[Abe groans]

I brought some extra salt

in case the food is
under-seasoned.

Joel, I'd like that seat.

Why?

Because I am head of the family.

- I should sit
at the head of the table.
- The kids' table?

How important is winning
this particular battle to you?

[Shirley] Oh, boy,
who killed the flowers?

[Rose] They came that way.

And you paid for that?

I could have put out
dead flowers for free.

- Hey, watch it.
- Sorry.

I would like to propose a toast.

- [Moishe] What? From there?
- Yes, from here.

A toast should come
from the grown-ups' table.

- But...
- I'll do the toast.

[singsongy] Oh, you're in luck,
Chaim.

Once a year,
we gather together...

- Ah! Did you see him
point at you?
- Did he point?

- Right at you.
- Do it again.

- Point at Daddy.
- Point at Daddy.

[Astrid] Point at Daddy.

To pointing! Let's eat.

[overlapping agreements]

Noah, did I tell you
about the trip I won?

Really?

- From her bank.
- What?

You won the trip from your bank!

I don't know what you said
way over there,

but I won a trip from my bank
to Palm Beach.

The manager called,
out of the blue, to thank me

for my loyalty
and then offered me a trip.

- Fun.
- What?

- Fun!
- Whatever.

Anyhow,
we're going this weekend.

And the best part is,
our daughter has refused

to bring our grandchildren
to the airport to see us off.

Very disappointing.

I'm working that day.

- Wait, how come
you can hear him?
- What?

We have a little announcement
to make ourselves.

We were saving it
for the proper time.

Shirley, you want to tell 'em?

No, you go ahead, Moishie.

Shirley and I are
getting divorced.

Stuffing needs salt.

Wait, what?

No. Why?

We just realized
we're not right for each other.

Now? Now you realized?

Once Moishe almost died,
I assumed he'd retire.

He been talking about retiring
for years.

I did,
but once you're close to death,

you realize how short life is.

And I thought, I haven't done
half the things

I set out to do in my business,
so I decided to expand.

And now we're kaput.

How's the turkey? Need salt?

Oh, the turkey's delicious,
Shirley.

It's Thanksgiving.

We're all sitting down
to dinner,

and you just dump this on us?

Relax, Joel, everything's fine.
We're fine.

We're still sharing the home
for now. Nothing's changed.

Yeah, we just put a piece
of plexiglass

down the center of the bed
so we don't touch butts,

but you can still see
if the other person is

choking in their sleep.

So there's still love.

Guys, can't you two
work this out?

Really?

You're the one asking
that question?

Little Miss "One strike
and your husband's out"?

Don't talk to Midge that way.

You and Ma have
to work this out.

Not gonna happen, Joely.

We tried. We talked.

And then Moishe said
something to me

that I never thought I would
ever hear my husband say,

and he can't unsay it.

And in response
Shirley said something to me

I never thought
another human being,

let alone my wife of 34 years,
would say to me,

and she can't unsay it.

- Well, I'm on Mom's side here.
- What? Why?

Why? You had a heart attack,
of course you should retire.

Well, thank you
for your loyalty to the gender.

Very nice.

Hey, since we're all sharing
big life news,

you have something to tell
the people, don't you, Joel?

- Really, Pop?
- An announcement.

Something you've been
sitting on way too long.

What announcement?

Well, uh...

This wasn't exactly when
I was going to tell you, but...

Watch it!

- Ethan, switch with Daddy.
- Okay.

[Joel] Can't believe
I have to... Okay, so,

as my newly single father
just said,

I do have some news.

It's about me and my girlfriend.

- [Abe] Hey, watch it.
- Esther, kids' table. Move.

- [Esther] Okay.
- [Midge] Sorry. Go ahead.

We are gonna get married.

- Oh, my God!
- [gasping]

- Congratulations.
- Oh, my God. Yes.

And we're gonna have a baby.

- Uh, mazel!
- What? Oh, my God!

W-Well, who is this girl,
thi-this fiancée?

- You know her.
- I do?

- You met her.
- When?

- You played mah-jongg with her.
- Where?

- At the hospital?
- What hospital?

The hospital
when Pop had his heart attack.

- Oh. Did I win?
- Yes. You met her,

you love her,
we're getting married.

A grandchild.
Rose, did you hear?

How dare you keep this from me?

He kept it from you, not me!

You want me to be miserable,
but I won't.

I'll have a daughter-in-law
and a grandchild,

and you will drop dead

in a pile of
the men's spring collection.

[Moishe] What a thing to say
on a holiday.

[overlapping chatter]

Enjoy the Zen beauty
and relative anonymity

of this table
as long as you can.

[overlapping arguing]

[Ethan] I'm starving.

Impossible.

I think you ate
the entire turkey by yourself.

- Ha, you ate the turkey
by yourself.
- [Ethan] Did not.

- Wânshàng hâo, Mrs. Chou.
- [Esther] Wânshàng hâo,
Mrs. Chou.

Watch out, watch out.

Put that bag in the kitchen,
Ethan.

A lady already lives here.

What?

Uh, kids do me a favor,

can you go in Daddy's bedroom
for a minute?

- [Ethan] Take my hand.
- [Esther] No!

- [Ethan] I'm supposed
to show you.
- I know where it is.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming back today?

I missed you.

I didn't know about the kids.

That you had them.
Today, I mean.

It's okay.

[kids talking indistinctly]

[Mei clears throat]

You want something to eat?

I have a whole Thanksgiving meal
in the kitchen.

I'm moving to Chicago.

Easing into a conversation's

really not your strong suit,
is it?

Sorry. How was your Thanks...

- Moment's passed, Mei.
- Right. Sorry.

- Sit down.
- No.

- You won't sit down?
- No.

I just need to stand here
and say what I came to say.

I think my residency is gonna
wind up in Chicago.

I like the hospital
and the people.

Uh-huh. Well, I don't know
if you noticed,

but I don't live in Chicago,

and I can't really move
right now.

- I know.
- There's no hospital

in the entire Northeast
that could work?

- No.
- You've looked?

- No.
- Should you?

Because we're having a baby.

No.

No?

We're not...

...anymore.

What happened?

Are you all right?
Why didn't you call me?

I would have been
on the next train to...

Nothing happened. I just...

[sighs]

We're...

...just not having
a baby anymore.

I don't understand.

Oh, shit. I understand.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna sit down.

All my life I've had one goal.

You knew
I never intended to have

a serious relationship
with anyone,

and this thing with you was...

[Ethan] Daddy!
Esther's pointing at me again!

- I'll be there in a minute!
- Daddy, she won't stop!

In a minute, Ethan!
Goddamn it!

Shit. Sorry, Ethan!

- I know you're upset.
- I don't understand.

If you were gonna do this,
why the hell did you tell me

you were pregnant
in the first place?

I mean, since I don't matter
in the equation.

- That's not true.
- Can Jews be monks?

'Cause my fucking
relationship track record...

I know I should have
thought it through better.

But I didn't,
because you are...

You're you.

I never saw you coming.

You should be
an optometrist, then.

Might help with that eyesight.

Don't be sarcastic, please.

Okay. Don't be upset,
don't be sarcastic,

- don't give a shit.
- I didn't say that. I just...

I can't have it all, Joel.

The world doesn't work that way.

If I'm really gonna be a doctor,
then I just have to be a doctor.

Please understand.

I really need you to understand.

Okay.

Okay, fuck it. Fine.
I understand.

I do. You're gonna be
a terrific doctor.

- Thank you.
- You got all your stuff?

You must've left
some things here.

Oh, just this sweater.

[scoffs] One sweater.

Boy, I'm really not
very observant, am I?

Girl leaves nothing
but a sweater,

- that's a pretty big
fucking sign.
- Please, Joel, I...

I got the kids, Mei.

I really do wish you luck.

[Mei sighs]

I'll send you my new address.

Sure. Send the address.

- Bye, Joel.
- Bye.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[Esther] You're a turkey leg.

[Ethan] You're a turkey leg.

You're two turkey legs.

[Esther] Turkey leg, turkey leg,
turkey leg.

Esther, you keep pointing
that finger at Ethan,

- he's gonna eat it.
- [Esther laughs mockingly]

- [bell dings]
- ♪ Hit the road Jack, and don't
you come back no more... ♪

Excuse me, Miss?
Uh, this turkey is very dry.

That's food that
someone brought from home.

I can't help you.

Uh, excuse me, Miss?
More Chianti?

That's wine that
someone brought from home.

Jesus Christ.

I'll be leading the whole room
in saying grace.

You got to say grace
at Thanksgiving, so be ready.

- I don't know grace.
- I do. Great ass.

- [laughter]
- He got you.

Get it all out now.
You got two minutes.

Susie, be in charge
of this section.

We all say grace together
in just over two minutes.

Sounds fun.

I just don't know
if I'm ready to tour.

It's not a tour. It's a two-week
stint at the Hacienda.

The audience comes to you.

- Sounds intimidating.
- It's not.

You do the show,
then you go back to your room.

I got you a really nice suite,
with maid service.

You ever have maid service?
A girl cleans your room,

makes your bed.
Hell, it's Vegas,

- she'll probably give you
a tug if you ask for it.
- A what?

I even got you
a first-class plane ticket.

Plane ticket? I can't fly.

No, the plane flies,
you just sit in it.

I can't go on a plane.
They make no sense.

I mean, what keeps them up?

I don't know,
what keeps a bird up?

- Worries about money?
- Was that a joke?

You set me up,
but I'm not flying.

Oh, yes, you are.
You'll be fine.

You're coming, too, right?

Me? Are you kidding? I'm not
getting on a fucking plane.

Ow! Shit.

I think
I just fucked up my tooth.

Which one of you losers
brought these rolls?

[Fred] I did.
Made 'em myself. You like?

- No. They're hard as rocks.
- Oh, that's on purpose.

It's an old family recipe.
We call 'em Hard Rock Rolls.

Well, that is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

You know, you're supposed
to soak 'em in hot water

for ten minutes
before biting into 'em.

Did you not know that?

No, I did not know that.

Everyone, an announcement!

The Stage Deli is
not responsible

for Grandma's sawdust turkey,
Grandpa's lumpy potatoes,

Aunt Betty's
sour cranberry sauce,

or the raisins
in the goddamn carrot cake.

So stop asking.

- You're dismissed, Fred.
- Okay. Enjoy your evening.

- Hey, Verla, can we get some
more hot water for these rolls?
- No!

Wow, looks like
there's already plenty of food.

- Hi, Alfie.
- Are you limping?

Yeah, I almost lost a toe.

Hey, look at my tooth,
does it look weird?

You have spinach in it,
or something.

- Oh! It's moving.
- [groans]

It's the goddamn
Hard Rock Rolls.

Fred's rolls? You're supposed
to soak 'em first.

Never mind all that.
Listen.

I kissed Bobby's ass,
and I finally got you

a slot at that club on 15th,
next Thursday.

- Great. I'm ready.
- [muffled] And Boise called.

I can't understand you
with your finger in your mouth.

Boise called.

They paid off the right cops
so the Wolford's reopening.

They still want you,
if you're into that.

If you're okay with it, I am.
I've got clean stuff,

dirty stuff,
I need a place to stay sharp.

Okay, everyone,
there will be no group grace

due to an utter lack
of interest in doing it

and an endless
string of jokes about

- what to do
with the turkey neck.
- [laughter]

So, enjoy your food,
happy Thanksgiving.

- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.

- I am ready to go, too.
- I'm not flying.

Yes, you are. I got
a lot of irons in the fire.

- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.

Ugh, I am gonna kill you, Fred.

[♪ Peggy Lee: "The Tree"]

♪ We're gonna get
a Christmas tree ♪

♪ One for you and one for me ♪

♪ Great big, tall,
and white as snow ♪

♪ Tra-la-la, away we go ♪

- ♪ We'll buy ♪
- ♪ We'll buy ♪

- ♪ A tree ♪
- ♪ A tree ♪

♪ A great big Christmas tree ♪

♪ And trim it up
with shining lights ♪

♪ For everyone to see ♪

- Let's go.
- ♪ And then we'll hang ♪

- ♪ A wreath upon the door...
- [laughing]

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

♪ Like we've never wished
before ♪

♪ And then we'll sing,
all brimming up...

[kid] Ah! I hate you!

One, two...

[laughing, yelling]

I tricked you! Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ For everyone to see ♪

Hiya, Mike.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm looking for a tree.

- Did you follow me here?
- I just thought we could talk.

- You thought...
- [man] [over P.A.] Cocoa with
marshmallows, now available...

I'm here with my kids.

They're running around here
somewhere.

I'm sorry, you forced my hand.

I... what?

I wanted to talk to you
at the studio...

[groans] but suddenly
I can't get through security.

You can't get through security
'cause I gave them your picture

and said,
"Under no circumstances

- do you let this person in."
- Well, was it flattering?

The photo? Backlit,
little shoulder action?

- I'm holding a saw.
- I have to talk to you.

- Yeah.
- I want you to give my girl

Miriam Maisel another look-see.

Just come and see her do her
thing, you will not regret it.

Oh, I already offered to see her
do her thing, remember?

You flipped out, cursed me,
and stomped off

to the enchanted bog
you slithered out of.

- Well, let's set
something up again.
- No.

I don't offer again.

I will not see your girl.

Fine, you don't have to see her.

Send someone from the office.

Uh, one of your women writers.

We don't have any women writers.

Oh, so Gordon Ford's just
one big cock parade, huh?

- [groans]
- What's going on
with your mouth?

It's my tooth.
Don't worry about it.

- Want me to saw it
out of your head?
- No, thanks.

Go away.

Hey, I am being nice here.

I'm sorry, what?

I came all the way up here
to make it convenient for you,

and now you're brushing me off?

Where's a pack of wolves
when you need one?

Hey, who brought you
Sophie Lennon, huh?

I did,
and that interview worked.

It was huge. It single-handedly
drove your ratings up.

And you're strutting
around that studio,

taking all the credit.

I did that for you, Mikey.

You know something?

There is one thing that
I look forward to all year long,

one thing that brings me pure
happiness, and it's this.

Christmas tree hunting
with my kids.

We do it every year,
and it's a fucking joy!

Now you are going to stay!
Right there!

And I'm gonna go buy cider
for my kids

and forget
that you ever happened.

Oh, I already bought them
some cider.

- Wanted to keep 'em occupied.
- [sighs]

You know, it's weird, none
of 'em really look like you.

I'm giving this place
your picture next year.

- [♪ Rosemary Clooney:
"Suzy Snowflake"]
- ♪ Here comes Suzy Snowflake ♪

♪ Dressed in a snow-white gown ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tappin'
at your windowpane...

Did you promise to take
my kids to a movie?

Maybe.

Spartacus?

- Was it Spartacus?
- Maybe.

The three-hour movie
with all the crucifixions?

That was the movie
you thought would be great

for three kids under ten to see?

I thought
they'd like the horses.

So you've ruined Christmas

and crucifixions for me.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- [door opens]
- And because of you,

I picked
the worst tree on the lot.

You got in my head
and you blew my focus.

- Mike, I just...
- You will never set foot
in 30 Rock again.

Do you understand?

You won't even be allowed
to stand in front of 30 Rock.

You're gonna make it to 20 Rock,

and then
you're gonna have to turn right.

You even won't be allowed
to walk down 5th Avenue.

You won't be able to stand
in front of Saks,

because it is across the street
from 30 Rock on 5th Avenue.

If you want to go to Saks,

you're gonna have to enter
from the 49th Street side.

- I don't go to Saks.
- In fact, stay out of Midtown.

You're not allowed in Midtown.

My office is in Midtown.

Move your office,

and that goes for your girl,
too.

She doesn't have an office.

She will never set foot

in that building either.

And I'm betting
that she does go to Saks,

so that 49th Street entrance
is going to fucking kill her.

It is miles away
from the fucking elevators.

Hey, kids, isn't
that Santa Claus over there?

- Where? Where?
- Where's Santa Claus?

Oops, made a mistake.

I don't think that
that was Santa after all.

[chanting] Spartacus! Spartacus!

Spartacus! Spartacus!
Spartacus!

Spartacus!

Spartacus! Spartacus!

There is no fucking Santa Claus!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[Susie] Oh, there's a... ow.

There's a ticket
to Vegas, and it... ow.

There's a ticket to Vegas

and it needs
to be picked up! Ow.

- So how's your tooth?
- Shut up.

You know I can't
understand you, right?

I got to get the stupid

magician... ow, ow!

Fuck me.

You have to go to a dentist.

I have to get this asshole...

[groans] on a plane!

[Alfie] I'm not going.

Yes, you are. Ow.

[Alfie] No. I'm not going.

- I'm not going. I'm not
going...
- You are going. Ow!

You are going,
if I have to tie you

- to a fucking... ow.
- I'm not going.

I'm gonna kill myself.

Susie, this is ridiculous.

I am calling
my dentist right now.

You are heading right over.

But Alfie...

[Alfie] Alfie is not going!

I will take Alfie
to the airport.

- You will?
- [Alfie] Will what?

Yes.

Okay, but you can't just
drop him off curbside.

You got to see him
walk on the plane.

And don't let him
go to the bathroom

'cause he will climb out
a window or flush himself

- down the toilet.
He's slippery.
- I promise.

I am calling the dentist.

Bye.

[♪ Dinah Washington:
"Relax Max"]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Relax, Max ♪

♪ Your nerves are just
like jumping jacks, Max ♪

♪ Your heart is thumping...

Okay, out of the car.

No. I'm not going.

- Okay.
- I mean it.

I know you do.

I don't think
you're listening to me.

Of course I am.

♪ Stay cool, fool ♪

♪ Just take it easy,
that's the rule, fool ♪

♪ The evening hasn't even
started yet ♪

♪ So, my pet ♪

♪ Control yourself,
control yourself ♪

♪ Don't get upset...

Why are
all these people leaving?

Is there gonna be
some sort of invasion

that I don't know about?

No gate number yet. Let's sit.

♪ That moon up above ♪

♪ I want your kiss
just as you...

I can just walk out of here,
you know. You can't stop me.

I have your cape,
and I'm not giving it back

until you step onto that plane.

You know, you're being
very silly. Flying is fun.

They bring you
drinks and food...

Oh, good. A last meal.

[indistinct P.A. announcements]

Here. It's from Susie.

It's used.

It's from Ethan.

[indistinct chatter]

So, I got a phone call
the other day,

which was surprising, since
I didn't know I had a phone.

It was from a man...

a talent manager.

And what did he want?

He said he'd seen
one of my shows.

He said he thought
I was very talented

and that I could be bigger than
Houdini, which is ridiculous.

I'm already bigger than Houdini.

Houdini was a very tiny man.

That's why he fit
so easily in a box.

Did you tell him
you already have a manager?

I did.

He said he knew Susie Myerson

and that she was
an elevator operator.

A what?

Someone you meet
going up or going down.

He said
if you want to be on top,

you have to get off
the elevator.

At the top, presumably.

Alfie, do you know why
you're getting on this plane?

Because you stole my cape.

Because you are about to
play a 2,000-seat room in Vegas.

You have top billing,

amazing accommodations,
and you are making

more money than you've
ever seen in your life.

That's not true.
I slept in a safe once.

Six months ago, you were
hustling drunks in a bar.

You were done.

No one cared
what happened to you.

No one except Susie Myerson.

I know that.

It's easy to see a diamond

once it's in the window
at Tiffany's.

It's a little harder
when it's throwing up

in a bucket in your office.

Susie is one of a kind.

You'll never find another Susie.

You just remember that.

[indistinct P.A. announcements]

[man] Yeah, so that's
Gate 4, right?

Hi there.
This is Alfie Zielinski.

He's on the 2:45 to Las Vegas.

All right, wonderful.

It's his first time on a plane,

and he's a little nervous.

I see that noted here.

Don't you worry,
we'll take good care of him.

Hello, Alfie, welcome to TWA.

We're going to be great friends.

Hey!

It's a little sign that
tells everyone who you are.

I won't have to explain a thing.

Call Susie when you land.
Have a great run.

And remember
what we talked about, hmm?

[woman] [over P.A.] Welcome
to the TWA Flight Center.

Alfie, wait!

I have your cape.

Oh, I got it back an hour ago.

- Right down this way.
- Come on, honey, hurry!
Don't lock the gate!

[Rose] Miriam?

[indistinct P.A. announcements]

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi. I'm doing

a last-minute favor for Susie.
There was an emergency.

Oh, so for Susie
she could come out here.

For her parents, bubkes.

I'll admit it doesn't
look good, Miriam.

Susie has a client
who's going to Vegas.

She needed someone
to see him off.

I have yet
to hear anything remotely

resembling an emergency.

- Her tooth hurt.
- Should we give you a moment

to come up with a better story?

Why aren't you
on a plane right now?

They canceled our flight.

No, Rose.
They did not cancel our flight.

The flight is happening.

- They canceled us.
- What are you talking about?

They couldn't find our
reservations, and nothing else

was available,
so now we're going home.

We'll be there when you're done
with your very important favor

for the friend with a sore tooth

who did not put you
through Bryn Mawr.

Hey, why don't we share
a cab home?

- No.
- Hmm?

We came alone,
we'll go home alone.

Much like birth and death.

Okay. I'll wave to you
as I drive alongside

all the way back home.

You know,
we seem to be experiencing

a streak of very bad luck.

I don't know about that.

The dry cleaning, the dead
flowers at Thanksgiving,

I had two flat tires this week.

Now suddenly
our plane reservations.

What is it? What's the matter?

Rose?

Nothing. Let's just go home.

All right.

Let's beat Miriam to the taxis.

[Rose] Yes, I know

the flight was canceled.

What I'm just trying to figure
out is how it happened.

Was the woman who canceled
by any chance Italian,

very intimidating?

Or was it an Irish woman
with a very thick Irish accent?

You know, [Irish accent] "That's
a lovely hat by the way."

[regular voice] Yes,
that's an Irish accent.

I'm not an impressionist,
forgive me.

[Abe] Rose! I got a taxi!
Let's go!

One minute!
Well, could you hear anything

in the background then,
like screams, perhaps?

Hacksaws or bones breaking?

[Abe] Rose! Come on!

I'm not joking.

[Abe] Rose Weissman,
I'm leaving without you!

I have to go.
My husband's having a fit.

Abe, for God's sake!

[Abe] We lost the cab.

There'll be another cab.

[Abe] Like there was
another flight?!

[♪ "Till There Was You"]

[flight attendant] Now arriving
at Gate 10, Flight 192

from Los Angeles.

Now arriving at Gate 10,

Flight 192 from Los Angeles.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

- Hello.
- Hello.

First time traveling?

And carrying things, yes.

Can I, uh...?

Rothstein, Myers,
Friedman and Yabromowitz.

Your rabbis?

My lawyers.

Ah.

Well, you don't want
to lose this.

No.

They charge by the word.

- Mm.
- Double for the bad ones.

So, you're taking a trip?

I am West Coast bound, yes.

- Really?
- Yes.

Gonna see what
an L.A. holding cell is like.

I hear 72 and sunny.

No humidity.

How have you been?

Good. Really good.

Good.

Are you off somewhere?

No. I just forced
a very nervous magician

to get on a plane
by holding his cape hostage.

I did that last week.

The bastard left rabbits
all over my apartment.

Mm.

So, how long are you gonna be
out west?

Don't know.

I've got some gigs lined up.

I rented a house.

Wow.

You're a man with a lease.

It happens to the best of us.

Well... I...

think you'll really enjoy L.A.

With all the... sun and...

oranges and Disneyland.

- All the things you love.
- Oh, I'm sure I'll find

a cloud or two to hide under.

My kid's gonna come stay
with me for a while.

Lucky girl.

Yes.

Well, I should probably go

find a plane heading west.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

Oh, no. We don't do that, right?

Okay.

You take care.

Lenny!

I'm not gonna blow it.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

[woman] [over P.A.] This is
the final boarding call

for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...

[continues indistinctly]

This is the final boarding call
for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...

[continues indistinctly]

[sighs]

- [indistinct chatter]
- Excuse me. Sorry.

- ♪ Got me the strangest woman ♪
- [♪ "Big Ten Inch Record"]

♪ Believe me,
this chick's no cinch ♪

♪ But I really get her going ♪

♪ When I take out
my big ten-inch ♪

♪ Record of the band
that plays the blues ♪

♪ The band that plays
the blues ♪

♪ She just loves
my big ten-inch ♪

♪ Record
of her favorite blues ♪

♪ Last night
I tried to tease her...

It's a $1.50 cover

with a two-drink minimum.

- Any sign of Joel?
- Nothing.

And he locked
the cash up in his desk.

I'm using my mad money
to make change.

Here you go. Enjoy the show.

Oh! Finally!

Archibald!
My faithful companion.

Okay, so Archibald
is not my name.

Sure, it is. Archibald,
short for Archie.

No. Archie would be
short for Archibald.

Like I said, Archibald,
my faithful companion!

Hey, we should get some horses.

- Uh...
- Get some boots and chaps.

Ride out into the sunset.

- Catch us some varmints.
- Yes.

Something to consider.
Not the chaps,

but the rest we can talk about.
Hey, where have you been?

I just stopped off at a bar.

You own a bar. Why are you
stopping off at a bar?

- Variety is the spice of life.
- [lighter flicking]

Allow me, pal.

How are you tonight, beautiful?

Thank you.

Absolutely. So what do you
think of the place?

I'm the owner, so, any problems,
you just come to me.

Excuse me, we were having
a conversation.

In here? No.

You want to talk,
you go to a quiet restaurant.

Take a walk on the beach.

You come here to drink, dance,

to get close enough
to smell her perfume.

- Hey!
- Joel!

There's a terrible
martini olive problem

that needs
your immediate attention.

The place falls apart
without me.

I'll be right back.

No, he won't. No, he won't.

♪ Record
of her favorite blues ♪

- ♪ You know, I...
- [Joel] Okay, okay! Hello!

Ladies and gentle...
Hey, stop playing.

Jesus.

You see a man is up here
trying to talk?

Fucking musicians.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Joel Maisel,
the owner of the Button Club.

- [whooping]
- [cheering]

You know, the great thing
about owning a club is that

all the things
that made you look like a loser

- before are now
part of your job.
- [laughing]

For example,
right now I'm not drunk,

I am doing research.

And I am a very hard worker.

[laughing]

Hey, I got a laugh.

See?
We don't need this shitty band.

[man] No way, pal.

I used to want to do this
for a living. Comedy?

Oh, yes. But, turns out,

my ex-wife is the one
who had the talent for comedy.

- [whooping]
- [cheering]

Ah, you know her.
Yes. She is very funny.

First time I saw her onstage,

she spent ten minutes
talking about my jockey shorts.

[laughing]

That's ten minutes more
than she ever

spent washing my jockey shorts.

- [laughing]
- And I will admit, as a man

it was a little hard
listening to your wife

talk about you onstage.

But now that I'm up here,

I'm thinking turnabout
is fair play.

Right?

- [cheering]
- [clamoring]

Okay, well...

[clears throat]

My wife has great tits.

Really stellar. Right, Archie?

Never seen 'em. Wouldn't know.

He's shy.
His wife has good tits, too.

Not like mine, though.

My wife has
Olympic gold medal tits.

Who else's wife has great tits?

[man 1] All right,
buddy, that's enough!

[man 2] Come on,
get off the stage.

[Joel] Raise your hand
there, man.

Your wife's look pretty good.

Unless that's not
your wife, in which case...

What are you doing later,
gorgeous?

[booing]

Okay, everybody!
The bar is open.

And next round's on me.

[cheering]

Seriously, Joel,
get off the stage.

I'm just joking around.

Fucking joking.

Fine. Whatever.

Hey, how about some tunes?

He just called us shitty, man.

[man] Hey, tell us a joke!

[crowd clamoring in agreement]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey.

Hey!

You.

You did this, didn't you?

You couldn't just
let us figure it out?

She still would have been
a fucking doctor.

How many goddamn times
do I have to say this?!

Say something! I'm right here!

[grunting]

Go back upstairs.

[groaning]

[indistinct chatter]

- [cheering]
- [whooping]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, there you are.
How'd it go with the dentist?

Mm, yeah. It went great.
Very thorough guy, terrific guy.

She's a woman.

Well, the deep voice fooled me.

You didn't go, did you?

Nope, I'm cured. Amazing, right?

I'll deal with it later.
How's the night going?

- Great.
- Oops. What happened?

I'm so rusty, Susie.

Last set, I was grasping
for a punch line,

and I rhymed "mittens"
with "tittens."

What's "tittens"?

Beats the fuck out of me.
But I said it really loud

and smiley like it was
supposed to be hilarious.

It was not hilarious.

Don't sweat it, this is where
you work out your rustiness.

Go ahead, suck. We'll get
a drink after, compare notes.

Okay.

- [cheering]
- [whooping]

Hey, can I get some ice?

- For what?
- You want to read
my diary, too?

- [whooping]
- [cheering]

[lively chatter nearby]

Shit. Is that Gordon Ford?

- Where?
- There! Follow my hand.

[Tawny] Yeah, that's him.

Boy, he's much better
looking in person.

[Susie] Fuck. Fuck.

What do I do? Should I go
tell Midge he's here?

No. That will fuck
with her head, right?

Or will it light
a fire under her ass?

Fuck. I don't know.
Protect her head or her ass?!

[exhales] Jesus Christ,
I told her to suck.

Maybe a little nudge is good.

Right?
Okay, I got to think like Midge.

What would she want?
I don't know.

Shit. Shit. Fuck. Cock.
Why are the lights changing?

- Am I having a stroke?
- The number's done.

Oh, it's done.
The universe decided.

Bring me a Scotch
with a whiskey in it, okay?

What the fuck are you
standing there for?

Oh. I just get really
amped up, you know?

- [cheering]
- [whooping]

[Midge clears throat]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's nice to be here.

[clears throat] So...

I am just really full

from Thanksgiving still.

Which is not a joke.

It's more of a disclaimer.

My son, he likes these
weird leftover combinations,

like, like turkey and gravy

between two pieces of pecan pie.

It tastes...

bad.

Does anyone know
if it's gonna rain tomorrow?

Don't say tittens,
don't say tittens.

Wow, that was
a really bad start.

I think I'm gonna start again.

[deep breath]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

Ignore the woman
who was here a minute ago.

She's gone.

Like your alibi tonight, sir.

Your friend fell asleep
at a strip club.

I'd hate to see what it takes
to keep him awake.

[laughter]

Hey, you know
what I discovered today?

You can take
your kids to the airport,

put them on a plane, and just
fly them somewhere else.

[laughter]

Technology is amazing.

It used to be, for that kind
of peace and quiet,

you had to leave your kids
on the steps of a church.

[laughter]

And the dangerous thing is not

that you're sending
your kids off

with complete strangers
on a vehicle

that has something
called a cockpit.

No.

The really dangerous thing
is that once they're gone,

you have a chance
to remember what life

was like without them.

[laughter]

Right? It all comes
flooding back.

The clean floor.

The calm apartment.

Your goddamned waistline.

- [cheering]
- [laughing]

Sex.

- [whooping]
- [clamoring in agreement]

Sex where you make it all
the way to the end.

Or at least your husband does.

[laughter]

- Ah. Got you, fucker.
- Sex anywhere!

In any room, on any appliance.

Well, almost any appliance.

I'd steer clear
of the cake mixer.

No more turning
the volume on the news up

so when your kid asks
what those loud sounds were,

you can say "Khrushchev
was banging his shoe again."

I am going to admit to you
that, as scary as a threat

of a Soviet takeover is,
a small part of me is thinking,

"Well, that'll cover blow job
Fridays for a while."

- [cheering]
- [laughing]

All right, my time is up.

I'm wanted in hell.

Please return your friend
to the upright position.

You have been a kind
and forgiving audience.

Don't forget
to tip your waitress.

She's saving up to send
her kids to Pittsburgh.

I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you

and good night.

- [cheering]
- [whooping]

♪ ♪

- Again with the arm.
- Get Midge.

- I'm working.
- [groans] Quick, hurry, go.

Did you just tip me?
Holy shit.

♪ ♪

Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

[clears throat]
Excuse me?

Mr. Ford?

Oh, there you are.

I'm, uh, Susie Myerson.

Of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Okay. Well, hello,
Susie Myerson.

How'd you like the show?

Uh, I didn't see much of it.

Oh, you saw my comic.
I saw you watching my comic.

You were watching me
watch the show?

I didn't even take my top off.

What'd you think? Honestly.

- Your girl's funny.
- She is.

And kind of a looker, hmm? Good
package for TV, don't you think?

- Well... [chuckles]
- Why don't you

put her on your show?
I think she'd be a big hit.

She's not right for my show.

Why not? Too funny?

Too downtown.

I'm playing to the cornfields.
But, yeah, she is good.

She can do cornfields.

Sorry. But good luck.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Put her on your staff.

- What?
- Your writing staff.

I know you don't have
any female writers.

You sell soap.
You know who buys soap?

- Laundromats?
- She can help you
with those jokes.

How do you know I don't have
any women on my writing staff?

- Just a hunch.
- Well, my wife has been saying

that the show could use
a woman's perspective.

Sounds like your wife is
a smart lady.

- Smarter than I am.
- Susie.

Aha, here she is.
Miriam Maisel,

I'd like you
to meet Gordon Ford.

Gordon Ford, Miriam Maisel.

Nice to meet you.
You're a very funny lady.

Well, thank you.
I'm a big fan of your show.

- And you, by extension.
- Want to come write for me?

I'm sorry?

Susie Myerson
and Associates here

has been talking you up.
Says you could be my woman.

Writers' room-wise.

[Midge] Oh, no.
I-I'm not a writer.

- Sidebar.
- What?

Sidebar, sidebar, sidebar.

- What's at the sidebar?
- Do you trust me?

Yes.

Take this job.

- I don't want to be a writer.
- Of course not. No one wants

to be a writer, but this job
gets you in the building.

And once you're in the building,
you will get in his face,

and you will make him fucking
laugh every time you see him.

And finally he will see you
for what you are,

a goddamn star.

This is it.

This is the break.

You in?

I'm in.

[grunts]

Gordon?

we accept your offer and
we are super excited about it.

Okay. We'll start her Monday.

Mike, make it happen.

[spits]

[Midge exclaims]

[♪ Squeeze: "There at the Top"]

♪ She's independent,
she's a modern woman ♪

♪ She needs no prompting
on her should and shouldn't ♪

♪ It's always bosses
who wish she wouldn't ♪

♪ Files in the cabinet
so neatly numerical ♪

♪ Makes all the clients
so neatly alphabetical ♪

- ♪ Turn of 21 ♪
- ♪ She's looking at her map ♪

- ♪ Looking at her map ♪
- ♪ And looking at her watch ♪

♪ Looking at her watch ♪

- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪
- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪

♪ Seems like she's there ♪

♪ Seems like she's there
at the top ♪

♪ Seems like
she's there at the top ♪

♪ There for her service,
comfy red Granada ♪

♪ Up to the Midlands
with a taped Sinatra ♪

♪ Plans all the hotels
and airway charter ♪

♪ Found under covers
with some representative ♪

♪ The deal is affected
but still only tentative ♪

- ♪ Turn of 21 ♪
- ♪ She's looking at her map ♪

♪ Looking at her map ♪

- ♪ And looking at her watch ♪
- ♪ Looking at her watch ♪

- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪
- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪

♪ Seems like she's there ♪

♪ Seems like she's
there at the top ♪

♪ Seems like she's there
at the top ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There at the top ♪♪