All language subtitles for The.Conners.S03E07.A.Cold.Mom.A.Brother.Daddy.And.A.Prison.Baby.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

The winter
at Valley Forge was harsh,

and more than 2,000 soldiers
deserted the army.

However, the strong leadership of George Washington

held the army together.

All lies.

Washington grew pot, and while
the soldiers were fighting,

him and Betsy Ross were off
behind the flag getting baked.

Shh! They can hear you.
We're in class.

Mark, stop bothering me
and focus on your teacher.

Education's important,
lad.

One of the most significant
events at Valley Forge

was the arrival of Frederick Wilhelm von Steuben.

Is that blonde boy Henry?
The one you think is cute?

Thanks for that.

I wasn't muted, so I guess
the next move is Henry's.

If Harris comes down, don't let
her come in the kitchen.

Ben and I are working on
a surprise for her birthday.

Oh, I have a surprise, too.

I didn't know
it was her birthday.

Well, I tried to give you
a heads up last night.

Where were you,
on another date?

Yeah,
and I should have known

if he was wearing a mask
in his profile picture,

he was hiding something --

a giant nose ring.

He said that's where
you attach the leash.

Seems to me maybe you could
hang onto one that way.

I know my education doesn't mean
anything to any of you,

but I'd like to be
the first person

to make it out of this house
by 40.

It's not about getting out.

It's about stayingout.

Oh, you're right.

It's fun decorating a birthday
cake Harris is gonna hate.

"To our rainbow
unicorn magic princess."

That is pure evil.

I love you so much
right now.

Why are my parents
calling me?

They're supposed to be
having fun in Florida.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Ben.
It's your mom.

Yes. I know.

That's why I said,
"Hi, Mom."

Uh...
I'm only seeing your ear.

Hold the phone out
so I can see your face.

There you go.

Ben, your father's dead.

What?

He was playing golf on the 14th hole

and he got into
the golf cart,

and his friends said he just collapsed.

And he was under par.

Alright, um...

Okay, I'll -- I'll get there
as soon as I can.

I'll book a flight
when we hang up.

Oh, why, sweetie? He's already dead.

Listen, I've got to get off the phone.

I have a lot of arrangements
to make.

O-Okay. Bye, Mom.

Just call me
if you need me.

Ben, I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

I don't know. Um...

I mean, we weren't close, but
he was still my dad, you know?

Oh, of course.
I'm sure it's still hard.

I thought we'd have more time to
work through some of our stuff.

Yeah,
I know what you mean.

It's like you're always waiting
for that right moment,

and then suddenly,
there can never be one.

He was always so mad at me
for something.

I just felt like I was
a disappointment to him.

Oh. Yeah, but I-I'm sure
at some point,

he stopped expecting
to be proud of you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at comforting.

--Captions by VITAC--

Thanks again for babysitting,
Emilio.

I'm not babysitting.
I'm her dad.

But if you want to give me
20 bucks,

I'm not too proud to take it.

And I'm broke enough
to say no.

That's okay.

It's worth it just to look at
how cute she is when she sleeps.

Don't fall for it.
It's a trick.

That's how they get you
to love them.

How's Ben doing?

Uh, as good
as can be expected.

His mom is coming
to visit tomorrow.

I don't know
where we're gonna put her.

Time to gussy up
the chicken coop.

So, you're home early.

How was your date?

It was a nightmare.

Another bad one, huh?

This guy
was a nervous wreck.

He sat across from me
at the table

and kept pulling out
a temperature gun

and shooting it at me.

"Beep.

97.1.

Okay. Okay.
Let's order."

Five minutes later.
"Beep.

Oh, boy. 98.6.

I gotta go.
Can you cover the drinks?"

Well,
my last date was bad, too.

I asked her if she wanted to go
to a dinner or a drive-in movie.

She said she wanted to go
from store to store

looking
for disinfecting wipes.

Oh.

Well...

I better get going.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, stay.

Finish watching
the basketball game.

Really?
Yeah.

Scoot over.
Make some room.

I'll go get some popcorn, and
we'll watch the game together.

Great.

You know, people said our green
card marriage wouldn't work,

but I like talking about
bad dates with my husband.

Hey,
Magic Unicorn Princess!

Happy birthday!

How's the cake?

I wouldn't be eating it if there
was anything else in the house.

They ran out of frosting,
so one layer is just saltines.

It does add a nice crunch
where you don't expect it.

I'm gonna grab
some microwave popcorn.

We don't have any.
Let's see
what Betty Crocker says.

Oh, my God.

We have secret
microwave popcorn?

You don't. I do.

This is for me and Emilio.

Hmm.
He's staying?

You usually boot him out
as soon as you get home.

Not tonight.

We're hanging out
and watching the game.

Huh. Watching a game.

Okay.

Take your bra off in here.
Saves time.

Unless you like
to watch them struggle.

Sometimes that's good
for a laugh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not what's going on.
Really?

He's dating, I'm dating.

He's totally moved on.

Here's a tip, kid.

There's a bag
of beef jerky

taped to the back
of the toilet tank.

That's disgusting.

Upstairs or down?

Upstairs is sweet,
downstairs is savory.

It's okay. It's okay.

Mommy will be right back.

She's making popcorn
for us.

I think Mommy's
finally into Daddy.

I know.

When I heard it,
I almost pooped myself, too.

I should stop.

Whatever this stain is, it's
holding the fabric together.

Darlene, relax.

You don't have to
impress my mom.

Oh, and I told her
that we're only living here

until the escrow closes
on our giant new house

that we got
from all the money we made

from our successful magazine.

Wow. We're having a way better
life than I thought we were.

I just --

I don't want to have to hear
her criticism.

Oh, yes, don't touch her.

She's an ice queen.

You know how in
"A Christmas Story,"

the kid gets his tongue stuck
to the freezing pole?

It'll be like that.

So don't put my tongue on her,
got it.

Mm-hmm.

Mom.

I'm really glad
you're here.

This is the house where you're
staying while the escrow closes.

You know, they bust into
houses like this

on that program "Cops."

Mom,
it's so good to see --

Oh, it's okay. Don't.

Uh,
I've been vaccinated,

but the plane was filthy even
though I was in first class,

which is way better
than coach.

Your father
would never spend the money,

but on the way
to the airport,

I saw a billboard that said,
"Just do it."

And I decided that was your
father's way of telling me,

"I'm cheap and I'm dead.
Fly first class."

Oh, well, we have those
billboards all over town.

The last time I saw
"Just Do It,"

I pulled over,
and I got a burrito.

But it was a big one,
so it's kind of the same thing.

Who's she?

You know who she is.
I've sent you pictures.

This is Darlene.

Oh. You're just a little
itty-bitty thing.

Mom.

Uh, no, it's okay.
I'm used to it.

Grown-ups try to hold my hand
at crosswalks all the time.

Listen, I am so sorry
about your husband.

You don't have to feel bad
for me.

Or for my husband.

He had a good, full life.

Of course,
he wanted grandkids,

but that didn't happen
for a variety of reasons.

I'm not pointing fingers.

Dropping this off.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.

Oh, no, Jackie.
It's fine.

Mom, this is Darlene's aunt,
Jackie.

Well, she's normal-sized.

Maybe you didn't
get enough sunlight.

Uh.

I'm so sorry
for your loss,

or if you're relieved,
I'm happy for your freedom.

I've seen both.

I'm somewhere
in the middle.

Yeah.

Well, if you wouldn't mind
dropping that off for Harris?

The restaurant's
got me hopping.

It's cold.
People want stew.

Stew?

Yeah.
I own The Lunch Box.

Lanford's
only stew restaurant.

Ah.

Well, I guess if people
want hobo food,

they have to have a place
to get it.

You remind me of somebody.

If you told me
I'll never amount to anything,

it would be
downright eerie.

Oh, listen,

you must be exhausted
from all that alienating.
Okay.

Why don't you sit and I'll get
you a cup of tea, huh?

Darlene,
can you join me?

Darlene...

while you're in there, try
to talk him out of the beard.

It makes him look
like a Bolshevik.

This couch smells.

Thank you!

Holy crap. I thought you were
exaggerating for effect.

If anything,
you downplayed her.

Yeah. Here.
I gotta go.

What? Don't you dare
leave me alone with her.

It's the hardware store.

What about
the hardware store?

I have jury duty.

Look, I get it, you don't want
to be around your mom,

but you know what?

She's yourmom, not mine,
so get your ass in there.

No. Look.

I am still processing
all of this, okay?

And not surprisingly, my mom is
not gonna be a lot of comfort.

So, I'm gonna drive
by our old house

and try to drudge up
some good memories.

Here.
Just get a few glasses in her.

She's actually fun
if she's been drinking.

Really?
No. Stop making me lie.

Are you sure you're gonna be
okay if I leave early?

Becky and I
are having movie night.

Oh, wow. Look at you,

having specially named nights
with Becky at the house.

What's all that about, huh?

We're hanging out
with the baby.

Last night
we had a nice time watching TV.

"Nice time." Gotcha.

So, uh...
what did you do last night?

We made some pizza rolls.

Okay, okay.

"Pizza rolls." Yeah.

Did you both reach for one
at the same time

'cause you were just both
so "hungry"?

Why are you making
everything dirty?

Because you kids
belong together

and you're finally taking this
to the next level.

I think so, too.

Well, then,
you need to make a move, man.

Well, what kind of moves
are you talking about?

Well, next time,
you watch something scary

so then maybe she'll take your
hand or cuddle up next to you.

Ahhh.
Ah.

There's this documentary out

about a daughter
who brutally murders her mother.

Uh, well, no,
maybe not that one.

That's more
of a "feel good" thing.

...and, you know,
when Ben was three,

he used to go everywhere
in his little Batman mask.

But that was all, because
he hated to wear clothes.

It didn't matter where.

He'd strip down in banks,
supermarkets, church.

He always looked like

a tiny,
naked Mexican wrestler.

Well, he hasn't outgrown that.

The second we're alone
in the house,

the clothes come off and it's
"I'm Batman."

You know,
you are so easy to talk to.

I understand
why Ben's never been happier.

Oh.
Same here.

Well,
that's how it should be.

I always wished Ben's dad
had been a little more fun.

Oh, here's something
that I kept from --

No, I can't talk about that.

Oh. Well, you've known me
for several hours.

You can tell me anything.

Okay.

I once sent sexy e-mails
to my first boyfriend

through
the Classmates website.

Oh.

Well, we've all got stuff.

One time
I had a few drinks,

and I sent a sexy e-mail
to Barack Obama.

Next thing I know,
there's two guys in black suits

with earpieces
at my door.

Well, I went
to the mall and tried on Spanx,

and then breezed past
the security guard

looking
three pounds lighter.

Oh, and Ben's dad
isn't his real father.

What?

I had a fling.

Ben doesn't know about it,

and Nate was humiliated,
so I promised not to tell.

Well, there's no point
in going on.

I think you won.

I just want to check
if the coast is clear.

Is Bizarro Bev
still in the house?

No.

She went on a walk
after casually mentioning

that Ben's dad
is not his real dad

and Ben doesn't know.

Oh, wow.

That's a good one.

Well, good luck with that.

Come on, Jackie.

Look, I feel like Ben
deserves to know

the real reason
that his father was so distant,

but finding out now

that both his parents
lied to him his entire life

could screw him up even worse.

What am I
supposed to do?

Make her tell him.

She's the one who was sleeping
around, the Easy Ethel.

You know what?
I'm not gonna tell him.

If she doesn't want
to deal with it,

maybe it's better
that he just doesn't know.

He's already come to terms
with the fact

that his father
was distant.

Yeah. Sometimes the truth
only makes things harder.

You remember
how devastated I was

when I found out
that my mother was...you know

actually my real mother.

This documentary's
freaking me out.

It's scary, isn't it?
Ooh.

Listen to the music.

They're definitely gonna find
the mom's body in here.

It's body-finding music.

Oh, oh.

Don't open the freezer!

Oh, my --

What are you doing?

I thought
maybe you wanted me to.

Why would you think that?

Because we were spending
more time together.

And we were having
so much fun

watching those kids
murder their parents.

I just thought...

maybe you were starting to look
at me in a different way.

Oh. No.

I'm happy that we're sharing
our crazy crap

that we're going through,
but...

you're dating.

I thought you moved on.

This isn't a date.

Why not?

We have such a good time
together.

A-A-And you're not meeting
anybody great,

and I'm not meeting
anybody great.

We're married,
we have a baby together.

We should be dating.

I like hanging out with you
as a friend.

Maybe I'm selfish.

I'm sorry if I'm sending
the wrong signals.

I don't want to be
a friend.

Okay, then think of me as --
as a sister.

A sister...
that you had a baby with.

I think I should go.
No, you don't have to go.

Yeah, I do.

And just so you know,
once I go back to dating,

I'm gonna be
snapped up quick.

Married, undocumented,
short-order cooks

do not grow on trees.

Yeah, you think
I'm the only desperate,

middle-aged alcoholic out there
that would find you attractive?

This is Lanford.

You can't swing a handle of
vodka without hitting one of us.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey.
I didn't hear you come in.

Uh, your mom's probably
on her way back from her walk.

I think if we're quiet,

we can hear the cloven hooves
on the sidewalk.

She's not taking a walk.
She's heading back to Florida.

What?
Yep.

But true to her half-assed
parenting style,

she left a note
saying that she told you

some very important
and upsetting news,

and that since the cat's out of
the bag, she had to leave.

So...go.

Okay. Here it is.

You were born in prison.
You're a prison baby.

What?
My mom was in prison? Why?

She jacked a car.
She's a car jacker.

Mom.

I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have left.

I want you to know
I feel terrible.

Oh, boy.

Look,
it was a long time ago.

You were desperate
and needed money probably.

No. I did not charge him a cent,
and I was not desperate.

I was young,
I was beautiful,

and he had a couple
of eight balls

and the first Boston album.

W-What
are you talking about?

Well,
that's when I got pregnant.

I should've told you
Nate wasn't your real father

a long time ago.

Oh, my God.
Nate's not his father?

This is terrible news

after learning that
your mom's a coke head

and you were born
in prison.

This is too much for one day.
You know what?

You should leave
or I should leave,

because one of us
is gonna pass out.

So, wait.
Dad wasn't my father?

Didn't Darlene tell you?

I got pregnant
by another man

and Nate agreed
to raise you as his own.

So Nate knew?

So,
who is my real father?

He died a long time ago.

I-I came back
because I knew

you would have a lot of
questions that needed answering

if you were going to move on
from this.

I do.

What was
my real dad's name?

Richard something.
Oh.

Where was he from?
What did he like?

Uh, what did he do
for a living?

Look, all I know
is he lived someplace cold

because he had
a heavy jacket.

So, all you know
about my real dad

is that
he had a heavy jacket?

It was one night.

What's important
is that you understand

that Nate found out
I cheated on him

and he was mad at me,
but he took it out on you.

I'm sorry.

Y-Y-- Do you have any idea
how much this screwed me up?

You let me go my whole life
thinking that my dad hated me,

that I was some kind of
huge disappointment to him.

Well, now,
it was not your whole life.

You're not dead yet.

If your life continues exactly
as it is from this point on,

then we will all know
it was not my fault.

Okay, I've got to go.
My cab is here.

Love ya, Mom.

Thank you.
We don't say it enough.

Well, at least now
I kinda understand

why my dad
treated me like crap.

Every time he looked at me,

he saw some jackass my mom
banged and hated me for it.

Man,
you were only a kid.

He should have never
taken it out on you.

I mean, I treat Darlene
like she's my own.

If only.

Alright. We're here
to say goodbye to Nate.

Dad, thanks for always
putting food on the table,

and thanks for at least
never calling me a bastard.

Mm.

To Nate.

And...

to dead Richard
with the heavy coat.

One day,
I'll figure out who you were.

To dead Richard
with the heavy coat.

Clink.

There is one saving grace.

I've got a family here.

Thank you, boy,
but you ain't family yet.

You grab Miss Darlene-Sue here
and make of her an honest woman,

and I'll be your Pappy,
teach you how to run hooch.