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1
00:00:01,790 --> 00:00:04,080
♪♪
2
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,960
Just so you know, I had
the chicken tacos last night,
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,040
and my stomach's
doing somersaults.
4
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,120
Uh...
5
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,710
But our specials
look good.
6
00:00:13,710 --> 00:00:15,670
We have tilapia,
7
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:19,000
which is some kind of
a greasy white fish...
8
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:23,540
...floating in cheese.
9
00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,580
Please don't make me
carry that out here.
10
00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:30,080
Now that you mention it,
that's exactly what I want.
11
00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:33,250
I'm gonna go exotic
tonight, Beck.
12
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,540
I'll have the pupusas.
13
00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:37,880
Take me away
to El Salvador.
14
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,580
Look, that's fried,
15
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:41,790
and that's covered
in some kind of chunky sauce.
16
00:00:41,790 --> 00:00:43,710
I can't do that
right now.
17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,670
Oh, um...
18
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,420
You go first, Neil.
I'm still looking.
19
00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:50,420
Okay. Uh, I would love
the three shrimp tacos.
20
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:51,750
Pick something else.
21
00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:53,960
A lot of shrimp is peeled
by Thai kids
22
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,170
forced into slave labor,
23
00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:56,620
so you think
you're eating scampi,
24
00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:58,120
but really
you're exploiting children.
25
00:00:59,750 --> 00:01:02,500
I got an idea. What if I just
had one small shrimp taco,
26
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,000
and I feel bad about it?
27
00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,040
Have the chile relleno.
28
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,790
They're really good here.
They're vegan.
29
00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:11,040
Yeah, I don't
really like those.
30
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No, you will.
31
00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:15,540
Could you guys hurry up?
32
00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:18,330
I'm riding out
this wave here.
33
00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:20,210
I'll have
a shrimp burrito,
34
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,920
and I'll have
Neil's shrimp tacos.
35
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,580
I don't know if it's those
Thai kids' sweat or tears,
36
00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,040
but they're delicious.
37
00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:36,620
Hey. I'm not buying
this food poisoning thing.
38
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:37,830
I think you're hung over.
39
00:01:37,830 --> 00:01:39,580
I'm not hung over.
40
00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:41,250
Hold on.
41
00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,880
You're gonna have to eat this
way down there.
42
00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,880
You and I are going
to a meeting tonight.
43
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,170
So, Neil, what do you do
for a living?
44
00:01:52,170 --> 00:01:53,580
Uh,
I'm a preschool teacher.
45
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,250
Preschool, huh?
46
00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:57,250
What's that, like,
playing with blocks and stuff?
47
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,290
[ Laughing ]
Blocks and stuff?
48
00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:02,210
Dan, they are
so far beyond that now.
49
00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:05,170
Oh, no, actually, no,
blocks are a big part of it.
50
00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:07,290
Oh, well, the old ways
are still the best ways.
51
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,540
We try to inspire
the children's imagination
52
00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:16,120
with nonspecific,
gender-neutral, tactile objects.
53
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,290
Why would you do that
when there's TV?
54
00:02:21,710 --> 00:02:24,210
Excuse me.
I just gotta go tinkle.
55
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,750
Sorry.
It's a work term.
56
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:26,960
[ Chuckles ]
57
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:30,960
-He's great, right?
-Yeah.
58
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,170
Does he remind you
of anybody?
59
00:02:34,710 --> 00:02:36,380
Not really.
Here's a clue,
60
00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:38,000
because I want you
to figure it out.
61
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,290
David!
62
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,540
What?
63
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:44,710
[ Laughs ]
64
00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:46,580
No -- No way.
65
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:48,420
Two entirely
different people.
66
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:49,460
Wait, wait.
67
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,460
That wasn't David?
68
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,210
No!
69
00:02:52,210 --> 00:02:53,790
She's controlling Neil
70
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:57,210
the same way
she controlled [Laughing] David.
71
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,540
He has the same jumpy,
scared eyes as David.
72
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:01,040
Are you sure
that wasn't David?
73
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,620
[ Laughs ]
74
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,330
Hey,
sorry we're late.
75
00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:07,250
I had to get Harris
to watch Mary and Mark.
76
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,540
We had to lie and tell her
she'd get money for it.
77
00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,120
That's gonna be
a fight later.
78
00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:13,920
[ Sighs ] Sorry.
79
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,710
Oh, Neil,
this is my brother, D.J.,
80
00:03:15,710 --> 00:03:16,880
and his wife, Geena.
Oh, hey.
81
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,040
-Hi.
-Hi.
82
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,540
We were just talking
about whether people
83
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:22,420
tend to date the same types
over and over.
84
00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,330
What do you think?
Oh, pbht, absolutely.
85
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,790
For -- For example,
I used to have
86
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,380
a horribly self-destructive
thing for dominant women.
87
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:30,580
They -- Ugh.
88
00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:33,040
They'd push me around,
and I'd feel awful.
89
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,670
But I --
I got over that.
90
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,540
By the way, I --
I really need to apologize
91
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,620
for that whole
shrimp thing.
92
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,250
I...
93
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,960
I don't know
who that guy was.
94
00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:46,750
Oh, I think we all know
who that was.
95
00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:47,540
[ Laughs, coughs ]
96
00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:56,960
♪♪
97
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:05,540
♪♪
98
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:14,290
♪♪
99
00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:22,830
♪♪
100
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,540
"The Conners" is recorded
101
00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,620
in front of
a live studio audience.
102
00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:30,290
Just broke up with Neil.
103
00:04:30,290 --> 00:04:32,000
Ohh. How'd he take it?
104
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,830
Uh, he was devastated
105
00:04:34,830 --> 00:04:36,790
until I told him
that he wasn't.
106
00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,880
I can't believe I was about
to make the same mistake again.
107
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,000
Well, it's never too late
to change.
108
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,710
I've found that vocalizing
my feelings really helps.
109
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:51,250
Last night, I suggested that
Peter might want to get a job,
110
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:54,960
and he started
packing his bags,
111
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,540
and I decided to vocalize
112
00:04:57,540 --> 00:05:00,290
that I would do anything
if he stayed,
113
00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:02,000
and he stayed!
114
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,330
That just seems like
desperation.
115
00:05:07,330 --> 00:05:08,460
Mm.
116
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,120
To the untrained eye.
117
00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:13,460
[ Laughing ]
118
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,380
I could use a laugh.
119
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:17,540
What's that?
120
00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:19,080
I needed something to read,
so I grabbed
121
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,290
the new edition
of Lock 'Em Up
122
00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,330
off the counter
at the AM-PM.
123
00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:25,380
Ah, nothing says
"fine literature"
124
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,540
like the counter
at the AM-PM.
125
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:29,670
No, it's a hoot.
126
00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:31,250
They print the mug shots
of all the arrests
127
00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:33,420
in Lanford every month.
128
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,920
This woman shot her mother
in her garage.
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00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,620
She said she thought
it was a weasel.
130
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,250
Does it say
if she got away with it?
131
00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:44,500
Oh, no.
It doesn't matter.
132
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,000
I don't have a garage.
133
00:05:48,250 --> 00:05:50,000
Well, the mug shots
are pretty,
134
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,540
but the real crime here
is the writing.
135
00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,750
[ Chuckles ]
136
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,330
Oh, whoa.
137
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:56,120
They're looking for a writer
with copy-editing experience.
138
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,620
I have that.
139
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,580
Yeah, but this is just
sensationalist garbage
140
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:00,830
anybody could write.
141
00:06:00,830 --> 00:06:03,420
I know. I better get my résumé
together real quick.
142
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,580
Okay,
everybody get in here.
143
00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,330
I have news.
144
00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,460
All right, you're never
gonna believe this,
145
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:12,960
but I wasn't nauseous at work
because I was hung over...
146
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,170
Dad.
147
00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,250
I was sick because...
148
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,540
I'm pregnant!
149
00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:21,790
Aaah!
150
00:06:21,790 --> 00:06:23,790
[ Screaming ]
151
00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:26,420
I can't believe it!
152
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,540
Ohhhh!
153
00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:31,500
Your doctor gave you
less than a 5% chance!
154
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,170
I know, but I had unsafe sex,
and it worked!
155
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:36,170
[ Both scream ]
156
00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:40,170
You should speak
at the high school.
157
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,540
This is
a full-on miracle.
158
00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,250
You were meant
to be a mom.
159
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,540
The doctor said that you were
too old and too pickled...
160
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:53,620
...but God filled that uterus
with life.
161
00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:58,210
He didn't say "pickled."
Darlene said that.
162
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,500
Oh, yeah,
that was one of mine.
163
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,290
♪♪
164
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,420
We got to
celebrate this now,
165
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:10,620
'cause once the baby comes,
you won't get a moment's peace.
166
00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:11,920
I had to go
to Afghanistan
167
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,580
just to get
a decent night's sleep.
168
00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,960
[ Laughs ]
169
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,040
Mary thought she was always
gonna be the baby of the family.
170
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,790
She's gonna learn
what every Conner learns --
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00:07:20,790 --> 00:07:21,920
no one is special.
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00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:22,960
Mm.
173
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:25,620
To Becky.
174
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,920
I think I speak for everyone
when I say
175
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,250
we can't wait to see
how this plays out.
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00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:35,290
God,
I wish Mom was here.
177
00:07:35,290 --> 00:07:37,250
[ Voice breaking ]
She would be so excited.
178
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,210
She knows.
179
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,460
So, you gonna tell us?
Who's the father?
180
00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:42,750
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
181
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:44,330
Whoa!
182
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,040
Privacy, people.
183
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,580
This is Becky's business
and nobody else.
184
00:07:52,710 --> 00:07:55,290
There is a father,
biologically.
185
00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:57,290
I'm just not
gonna tell him.
186
00:07:57,290 --> 00:07:59,790
I don't need a man
to raise my kid.
187
00:07:59,790 --> 00:08:03,040
You know, it's not a crime
for a baby to have two parents.
188
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,170
It's lovely
to be independent,
189
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:05,920
but not if the baby
has to suffer
190
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,380
because you don't have
the time or the money
191
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:10,330
to take care of him
properly.
192
00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:14,210
I'm not trying
to prove how independent I am.
193
00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:16,120
There's other reasons
I'm not telling him.
194
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,580
Like what?
195
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,120
Like it was
a one-night stand.
196
00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:24,120
Oh. Well, let's check
the Becky board.
197
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,880
Number-one answer?
198
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,330
Ding! "One-night stand."
199
00:08:31,670 --> 00:08:35,000
I'm just saying, I don't have
a relationship with the guy.
200
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,330
He's a stranger,
and I'm not gonna have
201
00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:39,380
a stranger telling me
how to raise my kid.
202
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:40,960
He's still the father.
203
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,330
The father has a right
to know.
204
00:08:43,330 --> 00:08:45,670
And you're gonna need help
with money.
205
00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:47,670
I got to let you go.
206
00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:49,580
You can't do drywall
when you're pregnant.
207
00:08:49,580 --> 00:08:51,830
Why not? Pregnant women work
all the time.
208
00:08:51,830 --> 00:08:53,330
Not on construction sites.
209
00:08:53,330 --> 00:08:57,040
They're dangerous and full of
all kinds of toxic stuff.
210
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,000
You know how many babies
I've had to let go?
211
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,170
And they always cry.
212
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,250
So you're firing me?
213
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:09,380
I really need the money.
214
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,120
You can come back
when you have the baby.
215
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,920
Wow.
216
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,540
I wasn't looking for support
from the baby's father,
217
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,000
but I thought I might get some
from my family.
218
00:09:22,330 --> 00:09:24,120
Where would she get
that idea?
219
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:27,960
♪♪
220
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,500
Sorry. I didn't see
a receptionist.
221
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,290
People kept mistaking us
for The New York Times,
222
00:09:35,290 --> 00:09:36,790
so I had to let her go.
223
00:09:38,330 --> 00:09:40,210
Hey, I don't care
how small it is.
224
00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:42,460
The fact that anything's being
published in Lanford at all
225
00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,920
is pretty sweet.
226
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,460
I'm here about the job.
227
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,500
Oh.
228
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,250
Nice to meet you...
Darlene Conner.
229
00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:51,540
Ben.
230
00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,000
If you turn out
not to be a nut,
231
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,420
I'll tell you
my last name.
232
00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,250
Um, "waitress
at the casino," huh?
233
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,880
Humble brag.
234
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:06,920
Why'd you leave the job
writing ad copy in Chicago?
235
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,250
Oh, um, it was
a combination of things.
236
00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:12,580
I hated the job,
they paid nothing,
237
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:14,540
and then they fired me --
that was the last straw.
238
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:17,420
Why'd they fire you?
239
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,120
They started
using freelancers.
240
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,540
But it worked out
because I had to come back
241
00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:21,620
to help my dad anyway.
242
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,790
So this job
would be perfect for me,
243
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,170
and -- and honestly, I think
I would be perfect for you
244
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,830
because your paper
right now
245
00:10:28,830 --> 00:10:30,880
is just full
of a lot of dry facts,
246
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,540
and I think
that I could really make
247
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,000
the arsonists and carjackers
people you want to know.
248
00:10:39,830 --> 00:10:40,670
No.
249
00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:44,750
People read this paper
to see mug shots,
250
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:46,620
find out who beat, stabbed,
or robbed who,
251
00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,460
and if they live
next door.
252
00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:51,210
Oh, and if it's a relative,
you know.
253
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,500
Everybody likes to see
an in-law get taken down.
254
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,750
Okay, cool, so, why don't we
take what you're doing
255
00:10:57,750 --> 00:11:00,330
and use that
as a jumping-off place?
256
00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:03,080
Or we do what we're doing
and keep doing it.
257
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,330
I get it.
258
00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:08,580
Go slow,
don't freak the readers out --
259
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,000
small changes first.
260
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,000
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
261
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,500
Or no changes,
262
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,460
and then later...
263
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:17,670
no changes.
264
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,620
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I hear you. I hear you.
265
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,290
Deepen the story,
but just a little
266
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,080
until you see
how much better you like it.
267
00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:31,330
Or you do it precisely as I say,
and you can keep your job.
268
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,670
Wait.
Did you just hire me?
269
00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:37,500
Yes.
270
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:38,960
Oh, and the pay sucks.
271
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,540
Ah, thank you!
Yeah.
272
00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:45,540
That's your office.
You can go home at 6:00.
273
00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:47,120
Uh, I have kids.
274
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,620
Oh. I'm sorry.
275
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:52,500
Um, you can stay
as late as you want.
276
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,380
♪♪
277
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,080
You know,
when I first found out,
278
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,210
I was so excited.
279
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:02,750
But then I remembered
I'm 43, on my own, and broke.
280
00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,380
Maybe your dad's right.
281
00:12:04,380 --> 00:12:06,960
Maybe you could bring
the baby's father into the mix,
282
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,790
just to help
with expenses.
283
00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,380
Who is it?
I can't tell you.
284
00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:11,540
All right, I get it.
285
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:13,420
The sanctity
of the intimate act,
286
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:15,500
the stoic silence
between lovers.
287
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,000
No, I mean I don't know
who the hell it is.
288
00:12:20,790 --> 00:12:24,420
It's either Ramon, the manager,
or Emilio, the busboy.
289
00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:26,580
O-Oh, okay.
290
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:29,580
A very mature,
modern dilemma.
291
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,380
Like many of our most popular
romantic comedies,
292
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:34,540
but with much-needed
diversity.
293
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,790
Well,
Ramon's the manager.
294
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,790
Is it wrong to tell him
he's the father
295
00:12:40,790 --> 00:12:42,460
just because
he's in a better position
296
00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,880
to shell out a few bucks
to help with the baby?
297
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,620
You are a mother. You do
what's best for the baby.
298
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:48,830
Go, Ramon!
299
00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:54,000
Um, Ramon?
300
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,670
The Sprite's low on CO2.
301
00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:59,380
Also, hey, I'm pregnant,
and you're the father.
302
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,830
I know because I haven't been
with any other men.
303
00:13:03,830 --> 00:13:05,290
It's not mine.
304
00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:07,170
Normal reaction.
305
00:13:07,170 --> 00:13:09,460
No one feels
it can happen to them.
306
00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:11,460
But here we are.
307
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:13,040
And I'm sure
you'll do the right thing
308
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,920
by helping me
financially.
309
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,080
I had a vasectomy.
310
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,120
Ironically, that used to be
music to my ears.
311
00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:25,380
I assume I'm working holidays
for a while.
312
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,080
It's the busboy.
313
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,710
Ohhh!
314
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,380
Well, think!
315
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,210
There's got to be
somebody else you slept with
316
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,040
that's got money.
317
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,460
[ Hispanic accent ]
Hey.
318
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:42,790
It is told to me, um,
you have my baby?
319
00:13:42,790 --> 00:13:44,040
Who told you that?
320
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,330
Ramon.
321
00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:47,830
He said it is me.
322
00:13:47,830 --> 00:13:49,380
This is gonna get
complicated.
323
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:51,120
Could you help me out?
324
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,210
The only thing I know how to say
in Spanish is "Yes."
325
00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,040
Yeah,
I figured that out.
326
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,210
Just tell him
the truth.
327
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:01,960
You are the father.
328
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,120
[ Chuckles ]
329
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,580
I was hoping I was the
only person at work
sleeping with her,
330
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,080
but it doesn’t matter.
331
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,540
I understand she comes
from a troubled family.
332
00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:14,210
It’s clear her promiscuity
333
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,830
is borne of her insecurity.
334
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:17,830
Mm.
335
00:14:17,830 --> 00:14:20,620
We know Becky is easy.
336
00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:25,210
Do you want to help
with the baby?
337
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,540
Oh, sí.
338
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:28,880
Oh, he wants to take care
of the baby.
339
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,830
The rest, I'm --
I don't -- I --
340
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,880
Muchos gracias.
341
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,540
No baby help,
por favor.
342
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:38,710
No.
343
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,290
[ Speaking Spanish ]
344
00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:47,540
[ Gasps ]
345
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:49,880
He's not giving up,
346
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,920
but first, he's going to
fix the Sprite.
347
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,670
♪♪
348
00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,170
This is so funny.
349
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:04,500
I had a good job at an American
car plant in Chihuahua,
350
00:15:04,540 --> 00:15:09,380
but my family got caught up in
the political violence
351
00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:13,580
so I had to cross the border
and take this job.
352
00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:16,380
That must be hard for you
to do this type of work.
353
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,710
You're a good man, Emilio.
And I can help you.
354
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,960
Not only am I Lanford's
leading certified life coach,
355
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,670
I can also teach you
English.
356
00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:34,880
Gracias.
357
00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:39,330
Mm.
358
00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:42,790
Hey, Becky.
359
00:15:42,790 --> 00:15:44,620
Hey, Maria.
Hey, Bridget.
360
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:46,120
Are you guys ready
to order?
361
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,920
Yeah, two taco combos,
please.
362
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,620
And three margaritas.
363
00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:51,420
Throw in a margarita
for yourself.
364
00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:54,080
Are you okay?
365
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,210
[ Voice breaking ]
I'm experiencing a miracle.
366
00:15:58,210 --> 00:16:00,040
It's a very small gesture.
367
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,330
It's like $2,
and they're mostly ice.
368
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,380
[ Cries ]
369
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,670
I can't drink.
I'm pregnant.
370
00:16:06,670 --> 00:16:09,120
Becky!
I'm so happy for you!
371
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,460
You should be happy.
372
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:12,250
We've been trying
for years,
373
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,120
but Maria has
a tilted uterus,
374
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,710
and I'm shooting blanks.
375
00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:20,290
I don't know
if I can afford this baby.
376
00:16:20,290 --> 00:16:24,750
I just lost my second job,
the dad can't help,
377
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:25,540
and...
378
00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,920
[ Cries ]
379
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,580
...I just...
380
00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:32,750
Oh, honey,
it's gonna be okay.
381
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:34,250
Thanks, guys.
382
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:35,880
Let me get you
your drinks.
383
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,750
This might sound
kind of cold,
384
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,080
but I want her baby.
385
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,710
Maria,
we're not dingoes.
386
00:16:47,710 --> 00:16:49,790
But Becky might be
the perfect person.
387
00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:51,920
I mean, we know her,
she knows us.
388
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,920
She could even still be involved
in the baby's life.
389
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,830
It's good for everybody.
390
00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:59,710
It's a huge decision for us
that we shouldn't take lightly.
391
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,790
Let me pound some margaritas,
and we'll talk about it.
392
00:17:01,790 --> 00:17:03,830
♪♪
393
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:05,710
Darlene: It's a little rough,
but check it out.
394
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:11,460
"Driven by years of closed doors
and systematic oppression,
395
00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:14,880
Eddie Ray Garrett lunged
at the gas station cashier,
396
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,790
who ended
Eddie's career of crime
397
00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:18,460
with a full...
398
00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:21,080
UNICEF can
to the temple."
399
00:17:23,830 --> 00:17:25,460
The title is
"Give Till It Hurts."
400
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,620
Pretty great, right?
401
00:17:27,620 --> 00:17:29,500
No!
402
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:30,750
Very great?
403
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:31,830
[ Groans ]
404
00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:34,290
You have overestimated
405
00:17:34,290 --> 00:17:35,880
the reading level
of our audience.
406
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,330
Okay? Uh...
407
00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,710
You ever seen
"Frankenstein"?
408
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,170
Yeah.
409
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:42,120
Okay, that's the reading level
of our audience.
410
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,080
And not the doctor --
the creature.
411
00:17:46,710 --> 00:17:50,420
I'll give you
till "he lunged at the cashier,"
412
00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,330
but then we're out.
413
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:54,330
Okay,
but let's just say
414
00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:57,580
we raise the quality
of the writing.
415
00:17:57,580 --> 00:17:59,750
Then we get the doctor
and the creature,
416
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,500
and we increase
our ad revenue.
417
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,460
Look.
[ Clears throat ]
418
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:05,540
You're clearly intelligent
419
00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:09,540
and have an...
obnoxious kind of integrity.
420
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,420
That is dangerously close
to a compliment.
421
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,250
Well, you can consider it one
if you want.
422
00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:18,040
It wasn't meant that way.
423
00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:23,920
And you are remarkably stubborn
and self-sabotaging.
424
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,670
I was wondering
when you were gonna notice.
425
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,210
Seriously, you've built
something great here.
426
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:37,120
It's fascinating,
it's macabre.
427
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,500
But you just
haven't even started
428
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,420
to exploit it properly
yet.
429
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,580
That's where I keep
my paper clips.
430
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,040
And a dead moth,
apparently.
431
00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:56,250
Look, here's the thing.
432
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:59,330
The colorful writing
is just the start.
433
00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:00,920
There is so much more
we can do here.
434
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,210
[ Sighs ]
435
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,750
For example,
I can create a website for us.
436
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:07,330
That's a great way
to attract younger readers.
437
00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:09,420
You know how to create
a website?
438
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:12,710
I do. I can have it
up and running in two weeks.
439
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,170
Okay.
440
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:18,290
Here's what I'll do.
441
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,420
You are now
the managing editor
442
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:23,830
in charge of our new
Internet Department.
443
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,540
And...
444
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,830
And you get 10%
of all the income you generate.
445
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:30,750
Oh. And I have
complete creative control.
446
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,120
Not even close.
[ Chuckles ]
447
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:36,250
Hey, let's celebrate,
huh?
448
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:37,380
Dinner's on me.
449
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:40,540
Desperate and hungry,
450
00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,920
he...lunged
for his phone.
451
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,500
[ Laughs ]
452
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,500
Okay.
453
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:47,790
[ Chuckles ]
454
00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:49,380
Now you're just being
a jerk.
455
00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:50,710
[ Laughs ]
456
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,620
Oh, it's busy.
457
00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,000
Well, I think I speak
458
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000
for everyone
in the Internet Department
459
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,380
when I say I think
we can go out for dinner.
460
00:19:58,380 --> 00:19:59,580
What do you like?
461
00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:01,420
Uh, Chinese?
462
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:03,040
I could go for
some shrimp fried rice.
463
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,960
Um...
464
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:12,120
You probably --
You probably don't know this.
465
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,170
Uh, most of the shrimp we eat
isn't processed ethically,
466
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:16,500
so you don't want
to get that.
467
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,460
Ohhh.
[ Snaps fingers ]
468
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:20,830
You're confused.
469
00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:22,500
You thought
I was a child,
470
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,040
when I'm actually
a grown-ass adult.
471
00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:31,620
Yeah. I-I didn't mean to push.
That's not who I am.
472
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:32,790
Oh, great.
473
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:34,540
♪♪
474
00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:35,290
Let's go.
475
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:39,670
Hope you like 'em thick.
476
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,790
I just about burned out
the motor.
477
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,540
We're gonna need spoons.
478
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,170
[ Laughs ]
479
00:20:51,170 --> 00:20:52,920
So, when you and Mom found out
you were gonna have me,
480
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,080
did you freak out?
481
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,540
Only a little.
482
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:57,460
We didn't know how bad
you were gonna turn out.
483
00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:01,620
The truth is,
I remember thinking,
484
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:04,380
"Oh, my God.
I got to be a grown-up now.
485
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:09,040
I got to buy life insurance,
mutual funds, save for college."
486
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,880
But after a couple of years,
that panic goes away.
487
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,210
And you just forget
about that stuff.
488
00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:19,420
At least you had Mom
to go through it with.
489
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:21,540
Yeah.
490
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,290
Two parents isn't the worst
thing in the world to have.
491
00:21:23,290 --> 00:21:25,210
Just doing milkshakes now,
Dad.
34247
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