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00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:11,576
>>> OH, THE CONNERS IS LIVE IN
FRONT OF A FULLY VACCINATED
2
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:12,708
STUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,015
>> WAIT, WHAT?
4
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:19,845
>> I THOUGHT D.J. WASN'T ALLOWED
TO COOK SINCE THE GREAT GREASE
5
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:20,977
FIRE OF '07.
6
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,892
>> LEAVE HIM ALONE.
7
00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:25,590
I'M JUST GLAD TO SEE TWO PEOPLE
COOKING IN THIS KITCHEN AT THE
8
00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:27,201
SAME TIME.
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00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:29,464
IT GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT ALL
OF OUR APPLIANCES ACTUALLY WORK.
10
00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:34,817
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK DOING THAT
11
00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:38,647
ALL THE TIME FINALLY BROKE THE
SEAL THAT KEEPS THE MICROWAVES
12
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:40,301
IN.
13
00:00:40,475 --> 00:00:42,868
I WAS HEATING UP A CUP OF TEA
AND IT COOKED THE CHICKEN THAT
14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,479
WAS SITTING ON THE COUNTER.
15
00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:47,917
>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STILL
CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT MARRYING
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00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,962
INTO THIS GROUP OF MANIACS.
17
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,834
>> BECAUSE ONCE YOU'RE IN, YOU
CAN'T GET OUT.
18
00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:52,617
I KNOW.
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00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,097
I TRIED.
20
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,490
>> JUST STOP.
21
00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:58,319
SHAW AIN'T ASCARED OF NONE OF
YAS.
22
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:01,757
>> SHE'S ONLY SEEN US ON OUR
BEST BEHAVIOR.
23
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:04,325
>> THIS IS YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR?
24
00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:09,460
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF US
WASH OUR FEET IN THE KITCHEN
25
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,114
SINK?
26
00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:13,943
>> HAVE YOU HEARD FROM BEN SINCE
HE SAID HE WAS THINKING ABOUT
27
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:14,552
BREAKING UP WITH YOU?
28
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:15,640
>> NOPE.
29
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,729
>> I THINK YOU'RE PLAYING IT
RIGHT.
30
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:22,691
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS
GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE CANNED
31
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:24,171
FOR.
32
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,955
>> NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM A
MAN THINKING TOO LONG.
33
00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:31,613
>> I PUT DOWN A HEFTY DEPOSIT ON
AN APARTMENT TO MOVE IN WITH
34
00:01:31,787 --> 00:01:33,571
HIM.
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00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:37,009
>> THERE'S AN EMPOWERING MESSAGE
TO YOUR KIDS, I'M GETTING MY
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00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:38,924
MANS BACK.
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00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,579
>> YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'VE
DESTROYED A RELATIONSHIP BY
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00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:43,581
BEING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR LIKE
YOUR MOTHER.
39
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:47,455
>> WHEN I LIE, I LIE
STRATEGICALLY.
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00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:53,330
PATHOLOGICAL MAKES IT SOUND LIKE
I CAN'T CONTROL IT.
41
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:56,986
>> YOU WERE STILL GOING TO
HAWAII BEHIND BEN'S BACK.
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00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,944
>> STOP USING THAT BEHIND ME.
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00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,948
>> IT'S ALWAYS HARD WHEN YOUR
MENOPAUSAL KID MOVES OUT FOR THE
44
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,778
FOURTH OR FIFTH TIME.
45
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:12,175
>> MARK IS UP AND THERE'S NO
PRODUCT IN HIS HAIR.
46
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:13,568
SOMETHING IS WRONG.
47
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:16,919
>> I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON
A SCHOOL PROJECT.
48
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:21,793
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR
TRYING TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF
49
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,317
GENERATIONAL POVERTY.
50
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:26,058
>> WE'RE ROOTING FOR YOU, BUT
WE'LL SAVE YOU A SPOT.
51
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,713
>> MY PROJECT IS KIND OF ABOUT
THAT.
52
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:33,065
SOME SCIENTISTS SAY THAT CHOICE
WE THINK WE'RE MAKING OF OUR OWN
53
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,024
FREE WILL ARE DETERMINED BY OUR
GENES.
54
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:38,767
SO I'M GOING TO CALL OUR
RELATIVES AROUND THE COUNTRY TO
55
00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:40,377
SEE IF THEY ARE LIKE US.
56
00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:43,772
>> WOULDN'T BE FASTER TO JUST
START LOOKING FOR A CURE?
57
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,775
>> I KNOW I WOULD BE INTERESTED
IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
58
00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:48,864
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO ASK THEM?
59
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:53,869
>> I'M GOING TO SEE IF THEY
SHARE OUR FAMILY TRAITS,
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00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:57,046
DISTRUST OF AUTHORITY, LOW
PAYING JOBS, ALCOHOLISM.
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00:02:57,220 --> 00:03:01,442
>> I HAVE ANTICIPATED THIS.
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00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:11,582
I HAVE CAREFULLY CURE RATED THE
NUMBERS OF OUR FAMILY IN THIS
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00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:14,455
DRAWER.
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00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:16,805
>> DEAD, DEAD.
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00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:22,114
HE TURNED UP IN PAKISTAN.
66
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:24,769
COUSIN KENNY, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
RECORDED BY THE FED IT IS YOU
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00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,815
CALL THIS.
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00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:32,908
>> LET'S TRY ONE RIGHT NOW.
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00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,998
HEY, THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM
THE LANFORD CONNERS.
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00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:38,174
IS THIS ADRIAN CONNER?
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00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,175
>> YES, IT IS.
72
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,307
HOW ARE YOU?
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00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:42,091
>> HEY, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
74
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:43,745
>> I'M FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA.
75
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,486
>> NICE.
76
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:46,835
WELL, COOL, I'M HERE WITH MY
FAMILY RIGHT NOW.
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00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,924
>> HI!
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00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,492
>> AND I'M DOING A SURVEY ABOUT
THE CONNERS FOR COOL.
79
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:53,189
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU A
QUESTION.
80
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:58,977
I HAVE A RELATIVE WHO DRINKS
BEER ALL DAY AND HIDES IN THE
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00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,849
GARAGE.
82
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:03,112
DOES YOUR FAMILY EVER GET ON YOU
ABOUT ANY OF YOUR HABITS?
83
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:06,898
>> UMM, NOT THAT PROBLEM.
84
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,031
BAD HABITS, OH, YEAH.
85
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:13,427
I DO HAVE ONE BAD HABIT OF
CHEWING MY FINGERNAILS AND I GET
86
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,993
PICKED ON FOR THAT.
87
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:18,258
BUT I WATCH A LOT OF SCARY
MOVIES, SO THAT'S MY XUS.
88
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,911
>> THAT'S FAIR.
89
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,435
THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.
90
00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:22,087
BYE.
91
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,352
>> HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
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00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:27,963
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THERE YOU GO, THANKS, ROBIN.
93
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,535
>> THANKS, DAN.
94
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:37,842
>> HEY, I WAS JUST OVER AT
MADAME SWEET CAKES AND TOOK A
95
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,279
PICTURE OF THE MOST PERFECT
WEDDING CAKE.
96
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,062
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
97
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:41,977
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
98
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:45,546
BUT $400 IS A LOT UNLESS WE'RE
GOING TO LIVE IN IT.
99
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,199
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON, IT'S CHEAPER THAN
100
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,636
THE OTHER ONE I SHOWED YOU.
101
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,116
>> I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT
WORTH IT.
102
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:55,512
ONCE MY FAMILY DIGS INTO THAT
THING, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A
103
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,471
FROSTED SEAL AFTER A SHARK
FRENZY.
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00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:58,994
>> HEY, YOU GUYS.
105
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,909
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS CAKE?
106
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,345
>> WOW, $400.
107
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:08,917
WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OF
UNDERSTAND ELON MUS INCOME
108
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:10,135
--
MUSK?
109
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,441
>> ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'M
OUTNUMBERED.
110
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:16,359
SEE YOU LATER.
111
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:20,711
>> WE'RE JUST PUTTING UP SOME
BIG SCREENS FOR THE LUNCHBOX'S
112
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:25,020
REOPENING AT A SPORTS BAR, AND
WE NEED MOUNTS.
113
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:27,544
>> AND JACKIE NEEDED A FEW
THINGS FOR CROWD CONTROL.
114
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,720
I'M FILLING IN FOR AUNT BK.
115
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:34,682
>> WE'RE GOING TO OPEN WITH A
BEER SPECIAL.
116
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,814
BRING YOUR OWN BEARS HELMET.
117
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:41,341
I'M GOING TO NEED AN AX HELMET
AND A TASER.
118
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,517
>> AISLE THREE.
119
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,170
>> HEY, IS BEN AROUND?
120
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,391
>> HE'S STILL LIVING HIS BEST
LIFE IN THE LITTLE CAMPING
121
00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:49,174
SECTION IN BACK.
122
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,306
GOOD LUCK, HONEY.
123
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,873
>> THANK YOU.
124
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:57,835
I'M GOING TO TAKE A BAG OF THESE
PORK RINDS.
125
00:05:58,009 --> 00:06:02,666
>> BETTER RUN, IT'S A LOT
FURTHER THAN YOU THINK.
126
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:13,373
>> DARLENE, IT'S THE SET
OPPOSITE.
127
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:15,505
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> HEY.
128
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:15,810
>> HELLO.
129
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,639
HEY.
130
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:20,989
>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME PORK
RINLDS.
131
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,860
>> OH, THANK YOU.
132
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:26,429
I'VE HAD MY EYE ON THESE SINCE I
PUT THEM ON THE RACK.
133
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:33,001
>> UH, I ALSO BROUGHT YOU THIS.
134
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,307
>> WHOA.
135
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,961
$1200 DOWN ON AN APARTMENT?
136
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:41,270
>> NO, I PUT $1200 DOWN ON US.
137
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:45,709
I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT US
LIVING TOGETHER, AND I WANT TO
138
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:48,016
SHOW YOU THAT I'M FINALLY
PUTTING YOU BEFORE EVERYTHING
139
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:49,757
ELSE.
140
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:50,671
>> OKAY.
141
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:52,412
WELL, THIS IS BIG.
142
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:57,373
I BELIEVE YOU'RE SERIOUS.
143
00:06:57,547 --> 00:06:58,809
>> AND?
144
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:00,332
>> WELL, I WASN'T EXPECTING
THIS.
145
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,551
I MIGHT NEED A MINUTE.
146
00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,031
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.
147
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:05,468
I WANT YOU TO BE SURE, BECAUSE I
KNOW I AM.
148
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:12,040
SO ABSOLUTELY, TAKE A MINUTE.
149
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:13,041
OH, YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT
LITERALLY.
150
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:24,574
OKAY.
151
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:27,403
>> HI, IS THIS LISA CONNER?
152
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,231
>> YES, IT IS.
153
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:30,928
>> HI.
154
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:33,148
THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE
LANFORD CONNERS.
155
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:36,673
MY SISTER IS GOING TO ASK YOU A
QUESTION, BUT FIRST, MY FAMILY'S
156
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,370
BROKE AND RIDDLED WITH
HEARTBREAK.
157
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,024
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IS MORE
IMPORTANT, MONEY OR LOVE AND
158
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,853
WHY?
159
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,508
>> MONEY.
160
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,510
BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY LOVE.
161
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:47,989
>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
162
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:51,296
FAIR ENOUGH.
163
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,255
>> SO HERE'S MY QUESTION.
164
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,778
I'M A TATTOO ARTIST.
165
00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:58,129
IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANY TATTOO,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
166
00:07:58,303 --> 00:08:00,741
>> UMM, PROBABLY A FLOWER.
167
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:02,830
JUST SOMETHING GENERIC AND
PRETTY.
168
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,048
>> OKAY.
169
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,746
>> SOMETHING I COULD LIVE WITH
MY WHOLE LIFE.
170
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,095
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, COOL.
171
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:07,661
WELL, THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.
172
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:10,533
BYE.
173
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:21,588
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> EXCUSE ME.
174
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:26,114
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE DARLENE
CONNER'S OFFICE IS.
175
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,420
>> MY I ASK WHO IS CALLING?
176
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,684
>> JUST TELL HER BEN, THANKS.
177
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,686
>> OH, WOW, YOU'RE BEN.
178
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,035
OKAY.
179
00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:36,603
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN UPTIGHT
BUZZKILL AT ALL.
180
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:42,783
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A HIPSTER
WEREWOLF SORT OF GUY.
181
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:45,046
>> THANKS FOR YOUR OPINION, GUY,
I DIDN'T ASK.
182
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:45,916
AND YOU ARE?
183
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,788
>> JEFF.
184
00:08:47,962 --> 00:08:48,571
JEFF.
185
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:49,746
DARLENE IS MY BOSS.
186
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,227
I DEPARTMENT MEAN ANYTHING BY
THAT.
187
00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:55,883
I AM JUST SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE A
GUY THAT WOULD WANT TO GO TO
188
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:56,927
HAWAII.
189
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:57,580
>> DARLENE TOLD YOU ABOUT
HAWAII?
190
00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:59,147
>> SURE, YEAH, YEAH.
191
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:02,193
WE ALL SHARE STORIES AT LUNCH.
192
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:06,241
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU WOULD ASK YOUR LADY TO USE
193
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:10,593
HER VACATION MONEY TO PAY BILLS
WHEN SHE CLEARLY NEEDS SOME
194
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,509
EMOTIONAL DOWNTIME.
195
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:15,293
IT'S A DOUCHE MOVE, DUDE.
196
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,906
>> OKAY, I THINK I'VE HEARD
ENOUGH ABOUT HAWAII.
197
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,778
JUST POINT ME TO DARLENE UNLESS
YOU WANT TO END UP STUFFED INTO
198
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:23,040
ONE OF THOSE BOXES.
199
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:24,128
>> GUYS, STOP.
200
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,000
BEN, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
201
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:31,396
I ONLY INVITED HIM TO HAWAII
BECAUSE I WAS SO MAD AT YOU.
202
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,965
>> OKAY, THAT IS NOT AT ALL WHAT
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.
203
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,663
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I'M GUESSING THAT THAT IS
204
00:09:36,837 --> 00:09:38,534
WHAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE TALKING
ABOUT NOW.
205
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:43,844
PEACE OUT.
206
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:46,281
>> YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HAWAII
WITH ANOTHER GUY?
207
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:48,500
WHAT THE HELL?
208
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,460
YOU KNOW WHY I CAME DOWN HERE IS
BECAUSE I WANTED TO TELL YOU I
209
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,027
WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH YOU.
210
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,333
I CANNOT BELIEVE I WAS READY TO
TRUST YOU AGAIN.
211
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,379
>> NO, YOU CAN TRUST ME.
212
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:58,859
IT WAS TOTALLY PLATONIC.
213
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,469
I COULD HAVE BEEN A GIRLFRIEND.
214
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:05,996
>> IF IT WAS A GIRLFRIEND, YOU
WOULD HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
215
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,215
PLATONIC TRIP TO HAWAII?
216
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:08,695
THE ISLAND IS A BIG BED.
217
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:11,698
EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF
YOUR MOUTH IS A LIE!
218
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,525
WE WILL NEVER LIVE TOGETHER.
219
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:14,788
WE'LL NEVER BE TOGETHER.
220
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:21,882
THIS IS OVER!
221
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:27,931
>> I CAN'T GET DARLENE TO STOP
CLEANING.
222
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:31,282
I FEEL BAD BEN BROKE UP WITH HER
THIS MORNING.
223
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,720
BUT TO BE HONEST, THE LIVING
ROOM IS SPOTLESS.
224
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,200
>> DARLENE, YOU HAVE TO SLOW
DOWN.
225
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:39,029
WHY DON'T YOU STOP, HAVE A GLASS
OF WINE, WE'LL TALK.
226
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:42,076
>> NO, JUST LET ME DO THIS.
227
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,686
IF I STOP, I'M GOING TO CRY
AGAIN.
228
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:46,210
>> BEN JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT
JEFF, GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO COOL
229
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:47,342
DOWN.
230
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:49,083
>> NO, IT WON'T WORK, OKAY?
231
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:49,910
HE'S DONE.
232
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,520
I COULD SEE IT IN HIS EYES.
233
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:55,045
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THE
FACT THAT I'M GOING TO LIVE THE
234
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:56,568
REST OF MY LIFE ALONE.
235
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:57,613
>> YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
236
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:58,701
>> I KNOW.
237
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,007
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.
238
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:03,575
>> THERE'S A LOT OF MESSED UP
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
239
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,360
>> OH, MY GOD.
240
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,188
>> THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T
CHANGE.
241
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,886
I DID, BUT THE CHANCES OF
LIGHTNING STRIKING TWICE IN THE
242
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,628
SAME FAMILY --
>> I'M GOING TO JUMP IN HERE.
243
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:13,629
COME ON, JUST STOP.
244
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,284
SIT DOWN.
245
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,503
I KNOW THIS IS DEVASTATING.
246
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,897
BUT I KNOW SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO
CAN HELP YOU.
247
00:11:21,071 --> 00:11:22,899
>> I'VE ALREADY BEEN TO A
THERAPIST.
248
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:24,379
>> NO, THERE'S ANOTHER WAY.
249
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,511
IT'S A LITTLE LESS TRADITIONAL.
250
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,731
>> OKAY, IT'S LIFE COACH.
251
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:30,907
I GUESS I COULD COME OUT OF
RETIREMENT.
252
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:31,516
>> NO.
253
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,954
YOU STAY RETIRED.
254
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:37,609
I'M TALKING ABOUT A SPIRITUAL
ADVISER.
255
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,395
>> LIKE A PSYCH SNIK
>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
256
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,310
THOSE PEOPLE ARE MAGIC.
257
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,094
ONE OF THEM TOLD ME ONCE TO STOP
BEING A LIFE COACH, AND IT
258
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:45,400
HAPPENED.
259
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:49,534
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT AFTER THE STATE TOLD ME.
260
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,102
>> LOOK, SHE'S NOT JUST A
PSYCHIC.
261
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,713
SHE HAS GREAT INSIGHT.
262
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:57,064
SHE HELPED ME SEE THINGS ABOUT
MYSELF THAT HELPED ME MAKE
263
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:59,544
BETTER CHOICES.
264
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,546
BEFORE I MET YOUR DAD, I WAS A
MESS.
265
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,331
NOW I'M IN THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
OF MY LIFE.
266
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:07,204
>> WOW!
267
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:08,597
>> I DON'T KNOW.
268
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,731
IT JUST SEEMS A LITTLE --
>> COME ON, DARLENE.
269
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:14,124
I'M NOT A WUWU PERSON.
270
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,169
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
271
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:15,865
>> ALL RIGHT.
272
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:17,475
I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
273
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:21,175
I CAN'T FEEL ANY WORSE --
>> OH, NO, YOU COULD FEEL WAY
274
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:22,785
WORSE.
275
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,221
SOMETIMES YOU THINK THIS IS THE
BOTTOM, BUT THIS IS JUST A TRAP
276
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,571
DOOR TO THE NEXT LAYER OF HELL.
277
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,225
>> JACKIE!
278
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:35,885
>> THERE'S ROOM FOR BOTH OF US
TO HELP, LOUISE!
279
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:38,105
>>> THANKS FOR HELPING, DARLENE.
280
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:42,065
>> WELL, WE'RE ABOUT TO BECOME
FAMILY.
281
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:43,980
SOY WANT EVERYONE TO BE IN A
GOOD MOOD WHEN THEY COME TO OUR
282
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,895
BIG, FANCY WEDDING.
283
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:48,593
THERE, I SAID IT.
284
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,119
NOW GET USED TO IT.
285
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:54,382
>> YOU WANT A BIG WEDDING?
286
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:55,905
HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?
287
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:57,602
WE DON'T KNOW THAT MANY PEOPLE.
288
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,039
>> YOU DON'T, BUT I DO.
289
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:01,345
I HAVE A BIG FAMILY AND LOTS OF
FRIENDS.
290
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:02,956
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I DON'T
LIVE WITH THEM ALL.
291
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:10,267
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WILLING TO PAY, DAN.
292
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:13,401
>> TRUST ME, YOU'RE GOING TO
WISH YOU HAD THAT MONEY BACK TO
293
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:14,271
DO OTHER THINGS.
294
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,838
HERE'S A LITTLE SECRET.
295
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:19,102
I WAS VERY HAPPY I MARRIED
ROSEANNE.
296
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,627
BUT IF WE HAD SHACKED UP, I
COULD HAVE HAD A BOAT.
297
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,542
>> I DON'T WANT A BOAT.
298
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:27,981
BUT I WISH YOU HAD ONE SO YOU
COULD SLEEP ON IT TONIGHT.
299
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:31,419
I'M GOING BACK TO MY PLACE.
300
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:34,248
>> I WAS AT THE WEDDING.
301
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:43,692
WOULD HAVE BEEN A PRETTY CRAPPIE
BOAT.
302
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,477
>> LOUISE SAID TO SAY THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR SQUEEZING ME IN.
303
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:47,478
>> OH, SURE.
304
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,611
JUST FINISHING UP MY DINNER.
305
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:51,961
>> YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE I
THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.
306
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:58,446
NO BEADED CURTAINS, NO CRYSTAL
BALL, AND YOU'RE NOT ALL SCARFY
307
00:13:58,620 --> 00:13:59,229
LIKE STEVIE NIX.
308
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,536
>> SHE'S A DOUBTER.
309
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:04,626
>> MAYBE SHE GETS THAT FROM HER
MOTHER BEVERLY, BECAUSE I AM
310
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,628
SENSING SHE'S A NASTY OLD
BUZZARD.
311
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,760
>> THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
312
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:14,331
IT'S ONE THING TO GET THE NAME,
BUT THE RIGHT KIND OF BIRD?
313
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:19,902
>> BEFORE YOU START ON THIS
MESS, YOU MENTIONED MY MOTHER.
314
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:25,038
I VRHAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN
QUITE A WHILE.
315
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:29,520
COULD YOU CHECK THE AFTER LIFE?
316
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:32,349
>> IT'S UNCLEAR WHETHER I SHOULD
BE PAID FOR ONE READING OR TWO.
317
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:33,046
>> GOTCHA.
318
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:38,486
>> LET'S SEE HERE.
319
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:38,965
MMM.
320
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:39,574
OH, MY GOD.
321
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,141
>> WHAT?
322
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,883
>> I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THAT BEFORE.
323
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:49,062
YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY SUCH A
TOXIC CLOUD, I CAN'T SEE YOUR
324
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,367
FUTURE.
325
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:51,455
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, I DON'T
HAVE A FUTURE?
326
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:54,197
>> WELL, NO.
327
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:58,375
YOUR CYNICISM AND SKEPTICISM IS
SO STRONG, I CAN'T PIERCE THE
328
00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:00,160
VEIL TO GIVE YOU A READING.
329
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,076
IT'S LIKE I CAN'T GET ANY LIGHT
FROM YOU.
330
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:07,602
YOU HAVE NO SPIRITUALITY.
331
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,256
>> YOU ARE SPOT-ON!
332
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:11,911
CAN I SPLIT A READING OVER TWO
CREDIT CARDS?
333
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,129
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
334
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:15,131
I CAME HERE BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND
DUMPED ME.
335
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,829
WHAT DOES HAVING NO SPIRITUALITY
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
336
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:22,399
>> IT'S LIKE HAVING BARBED WIRE
ALL AROUND YOU.
337
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:23,270
NO ONE CAN GET CLOSE TO YOU.
338
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,185
AM I COMPLETELY OFF BASE HERE?
339
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,317
HAVE THE REST OF YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS BEEN HEALTHY?
340
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,144
>> NO.
341
00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,451
THEY HAVEN'T.
342
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:31,452
ALL RIGHT.
343
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:32,627
SO HOW DO I CHANGE IT?
344
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:36,196
CAN YOU KASICH A SPELL OR
SOMETHING?
345
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:42,245
>> SOMEONE LOVED "HOCUS POCUS AS
A WILD, HUH?
346
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:43,986
YOU NEED SOMETHING LARGER THAN
YOURSELF.
347
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,509
>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT GOD?
348
00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:46,989
>> IT JUST DEPENDS.
349
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:48,817
IT'S YOUR JOURNEY.
350
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:51,951
I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH THAT.
351
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:54,040
>> GOD OR NO GOD, IT'S UP TO
YOU.
352
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,519
SCOOT OVER AND LET ME TAKE THE
REST OF THE SESSION.
353
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:58,305
SCOOT OVER!
354
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:02,222
>> GOOD MORNING.
355
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:03,092
HOW DID YOU SLEEP?
356
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,661
>> STICK IT IN YOUR EAR!
357
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,794
>> OKAY, LOOK, I'M JUST CONFUSED
WHY YOU WANT A BIG WEDDING.
358
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:10,970
YOU'RE LIKE ME.
359
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:12,145
YOU DON'T LIKE A LOT OF FUSS.
360
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:14,451
YOU DON'T NEED FANCY THINGS.
361
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,627
>> I KNOW IT'S A SHOCK.
362
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:20,153
BUT A TOUGH GAL LIKE ME WOULD
WANT A CHURCH AND A DRESS AND A
363
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:23,330
BIG WEDDING CAKE, THE WHOLE
THING.
364
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:26,028
IT'S A SHOCK TO ME, TOO.
365
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,683
BUT IT HIT ME LAST NIGHT.
366
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:32,121
IT'S BECAUSE MY PARENTS NEVER
HAD A REAL WEDDING.
367
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,341
THEY JUST WENT DOWN TO THE
COURTHOUSE LIKE THEY WERE PAYING
368
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:37,170
OFF A TRAFFIC TICKET.
369
00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,476
THAT'S HOW THEIR MARRIAGE FELT.
370
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,391
>> I WISH I HAD KNOWN THAT.
371
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:45,482
NOW I FEEL LIKE A JACKASS.
372
00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:47,093
>> YOU ARE.
373
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,398
BUT THE NAME THING IS YOU HAVE
TO HEAR ME WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT
374
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:51,401
I WANT.
375
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:54,622
YOU HAD 47 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
WITH ROSEANNE.
376
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:57,016
TO LEARN, TO READ EACH OTHER'S
MINDS.
377
00:16:57,190 --> 00:17:02,456
WHEN WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 47
YEARS, YOU CAN DO THE SAME WITH
378
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:03,587
ME.
379
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,676
FROM THAT ERN ON THE
MANTLEPIECE.
380
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:12,205
>> I THINK YOU MEAN FOLGERS CAN,
BUT I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
381
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,381
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪
382
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,301
>> WHAT YOU WATCHING?
383
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:25,392
>> OH, IT'S A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT
EINSTEIN AND RELIGION.
384
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:29,874
I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW A
LOGICAL, EDUCATED PERSON CAN GET
385
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,399
TO A PLACE WHERE THEY BELIEVE IN
GOD.
386
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:38,492
>> WAIT, IS MY LITTLE ATHEIST
LOSING FAITH IN HER LACK OF
387
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:39,145
FAITH?
388
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:42,887
>> I AM COMPLETELY LOST.
389
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:47,805
THE PSYCHIC SAID THAT I NEED
SPIRITUALITY IN MY LIFE IF I'M
390
00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:50,069
EVER GOING TO CHANGE.
391
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:52,332
DO YOU THINK THERE'S A GOD?
392
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,335
>> I THINK HE'S ON A BREAK RIGHT
NOW.
393
00:17:55,509 --> 00:18:03,343
BUT HE OCCASIONALLY RETURNS A
CALL.
394
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,475
DID YOU GO BACK TO THE PSYCHIC?
395
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:05,997
>> YEAH.
396
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,086
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
397
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:09,218
>> BAD NEWS.
398
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,654
IT'S MY MOM.
399
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:11,960
STILL NOT DEAD.
400
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:17,531
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SURPRISED TO SEE ME, RIGHT?
401
00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:34,025
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
402
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,681
I KNOW I SAID YOU DON'T EXIST,
BUT I AM GOING TO TRY TO BELIEVE
403
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:40,858
IN YOU.
404
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:46,125
I ONCE ASKED MY MOM IF THERE WAS
A GOD AND SHE SAID, WELL, IF
405
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:49,911
THERE'S NOT, WE'RE SCREWED.
406
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,522
SO I HOPE I'M NOT SCREWED.
407
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,133
HEY, THANKS FOR MARK.
408
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:57,745
AND BY THE WAY, MAYBE SOME DAY
YOU'LL EXPLAIN WHY YOU GAVE ME
409
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,052
HARRIS.
410
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:05,231
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I
PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.
411
00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:10,410
AND IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
WELL, I'LL KNOW YOU'RE STILL
412
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:10,758
PISSED.
413
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:17,156
AMEN.
414
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:34,085
>>> HI, IS THIS KERRY CONNER?
415
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:34,956
>> YEAH, IT IS.
416
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:36,653
>> HI.
417
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:39,482
THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE
LANFORD CONNERS.
418
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:42,572
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU --
DOES YOUR FAMILY EVER GET ON YOU
419
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,966
ABOUT ANY BAD HABITS THAT YOU
HAVE?
420
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,881
>> UMM, LOTS.
421
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,274
>> OH, OKAY.
422
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:48,665
THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.
423
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:54,845
BYE.
424
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:58,240
>> HEY, HOW IS THE SEARCH FOR
THE CONNER GENE GOING?
425
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,764
>> HALF THE CONNERS ARE BROKE
AND DRINK LIKE FISH.
426
00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:02,070
BUT THEY'RE GREAT PEOPLE.
427
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,290
I HOPE WE GET TO MEET THEM IN
PERSON SOME DAY.
428
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:07,162
>> I WENT TO A COUSIN'S PICNIC
ONCE.
429
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:08,685
THEY STOLE MY SHOES.
430
00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:11,340
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REUNION.
431
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:12,646
SO WHAT IS YOUR CONCLUSION?
432
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,256
>> IT'S A MIXED BAG.
433
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:15,953
SOME OF THE CONNERS ARE DOING
REALLY WELL.
434
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:17,346
SO WHO KNOWS?
435
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,479
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK IT IS UP TO
YOU.
436
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:22,699
I THINK YOUR GENES SET YOU OFF
IN A DIRECTION, BUT YOU CAN
437
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:24,310
CHANGE THAT DIRECTION.
438
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:27,051
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, WE DON'T
CHANGE THE SHEETS A LOT IN THIS
439
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,228
HOUSE, BUT WE COULD.
440
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,142
>> YEAH.
441
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,493
AND IF NOTHING ELSE, NOW I KNOW
MY GENES MIGHT BE TRYING TO
442
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:35,973
DESTROY ME, SO FAILURE CAN'T
SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE IT DID YOU
443
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,105
GUYS?
444
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,759
>> IT DIDN'T SNEAK UP ON US.
445
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:45,635
IT RANG THE DOORBELL AND SAID
HI, WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
446
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:52,903
[ APPLAUSE ]
32301
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